Hi all.  Glad to see FFML back up.  Can't write much at the mo, since this is 
only a quick E-mail that I thought some of you might be interested in.  Dunno 
where I got it from, but given the type of people who inhabit the FFML 
(including me), I think you'll like it.

I'm still on Easter break; this is just a temporary reprieve.  I'll be back at 
full E-mail capacity next week.

Until then, ciao,
                      Terence Fergusson
                   -- Student of Advanced Murphodynamics
                   -- Stranded in an Anime-free College

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This is an actual essay written by a college applicant to NYU. The
author was accepted and is now attending NYU.

3A. IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW
YOU, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY
SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE
REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON? 

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice.  I
have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making
them more efficient in the area of heat retention.  I translate ethnic
slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time
efficiently. 

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. 

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot
bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook
Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes.  I am an expert in stucco, a
veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. 

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly
defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious
army ants.  I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am
the subject of numerous documentaries.  When I'm bored, I build large
suspension bridges in my yard.  I enjoy urban hang gliding. On
Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of
charge. 

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening
wear.  I don't perspire.  I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan
mail.  I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes.
Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force
demonstration.  I bat .400. 

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international
botany circles.  Children trust me. 

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly
accuracy.  I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David
Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire
dining room that evening.  I know the exact location of every food
item in the supermarket.  I have performed several covert operations
with the CIA.  I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a
chair.  While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a
group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery.  The laws of
physics do not apply to me. 

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid.  On
weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. 
Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it
down.  I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli
and a toaster oven. 

I breed prizewinning clams.  I have won bullfights in San Juan,
cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the
Kremlin. 

I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have
spoken with Elvis. 

But I have not yet gone to college.

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"If all the world's a stage, then where the hell is
my stunt double?!"
                      - Ian Robinson
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