Once again, a repost for those of you who didn't join the exodus to the
other lists when this one went down.
Requests for earlier parts will be entertained.
=====
Gratuitous Self Part 5: Misdirection
"Milord."
"Kojiro. Do you know why I summoned you here?"
"No, milord." Actually, Kojiro thought it had something to do with his
failure to defeat the heretic Takezo Musashi and the punishment that would
be metted him, but he kept all of this to himself in the presence of the
Lord High Commander of The Crusaders of Nabiki Tendo.
"You are working on..." The High Commander's mouth twisted at
the...taste...of the name of the heretic document he was about to mention.
Or at least, it would, if they weren't meeting on KowaiMUCK. Nevertheless,
he continued. "On the next part of -" a slight pause - " 'Turning Road', are
you not?"
"Yes, milord!" Kojiro said this with some zeal, eager for a chance to
redeem himself.
"Don't."
Kojiro - the Kojiro behind the PC - stared at this line of text for some
time, blinking.
Did he just say, stop? he thought.
"Milord?" he said, uncertain.
"Don't continue."
He did say it.
Kojiro's mind was searching for the reason. Was it something I said? Was it
because he won't give me another chance? Why? Why?
The High Commander noted this pause. "Oh, get a grip on yourself. This is
not due to anything you've done. Since."
"Then...Why? If I may ask, milord," he added hastily.
"Because I want HIM to write the next part." Once again, disgust. And
hesitancy to mention the heretic by name.
Kojiro blinked, wondering why...then realization dawned on him. "The C&C!"
"Precisely. His own writing shall be his downfall."
Kojiro stared at his monitor, laughing maniacally...
Funny, thought Takezo. The flaming seems to have died down. Although, at
the risk of sounding immodest, I'd attribute it more to my coup-d'grace with
that fourth part of Turning Road than all those 'Please stop spamming'
posts. What are those posts for, anyway? Spam to stop spam? Kinda like 'hair
of the dog', if you ask me.
With this thought, Takezo checked his e-mail.
"Hey, look. TimeRunner's working on another fanfic. 'Aa! Mega-Playboy'.
Cool!" <save>
"'I'm leaving the mailing list....changed my mind....really leaving this
time....oops, my mistake...' Make up your mind already!" *paku*
"Switch." Takezo immediately recognized the author's 'stream of
consciousness' style, and took the precaution of taking anti-seasickness
medicine. Sure enough, he needed every milligram of the stuff and more.
Afterward, he saved it to his 'Fanfics' folder and read the next entry.
"'I...er...um....this is my first fanfic...don't nobody get angry...it's a
story of a gaijin (I hope that's the right term) who becomes an exchange
student at Ranma's high school, and gets into a romantic relationship with
Ukyou....'" He felt the anti-seasickness medicine completely wear off at this.
Five minutes later, he came out of the bathroom, still fighting back the
dry heaves. "Newbie," he managed to say. Apparently, Takezo had 'overcome'
this newbie phase of his, and now regarded them with some disdain. He
deleted the fanfic, dismissing it as 'self-gratifying', and continued to
read his mail, particularly looking out for C&C for his own
(self-gratifying) 'fic, 'Turning Road'.
"Good luck fighting back the 'Okonomiyaki Crusaders'. They'll call you
heretic and stuff."
Which was...probably not very true. It's not that they had more sense than,
say, Nabiki Tendo's Crusaders. Kami knows these people have equal shares in
the common sense market. (Which actually doesn't say much, but...) It's just
that the newbie had not committed a large enough sin to warrant a crusade.
Sure, he wrote a self-gratifying 'fic, but when you've got several rabid
otakus (or NEW otakus), fantasizing about Ukyou in their unguarded moments,
a couple of 'fics with out-of-nowhere original characters meeting, falling
in love, marrying, and having a baby with Ukyou, Nabiki, Ryouga, whatever,
(yes, they go to that extent sometimes) is par for the course.
So, what made Takezo's sin so great, compared to the newbie's fic, which
was just 'A dark figure leapt out of the shadows and caught Ukyou in
mid-air, their eyes meet, they fall in love, etc. etc. etc...'-type
fanfiction? Simple. He attempted to out-Nabiki Nabiki. He attempted to
one-up Nabiki at her own game, psychological warfare (for fun and profit).
That would be tantamount to, say, going to a family shrine, picking up a
photo of a deceased relative (of a family you don't know), and saying, 'I
was always better than you, you stupid bastard!' in front of the mourning
family.
See? Utter heresy. Who wouldn't be insulted?
Probably the closest thing you could do to evoke the same sort of response
from the Okonomiyaki Crusaders would probably be out-okonomiyaki-ing Ukyou.
That'd be out-Ukyou-ing Ukyou. This was something that the newbie had not
done. Takezo hadn't done it either. All he wrote was that 'double date'
offer to Ukyou. That was nothing. In fact, the call to arms made by one of
the O.C's (who was actually an over-eager Initiate of the Spatula) was
turned down immediately by the Elder Council of the Hot Plate, thus averting
another Crusade on Takezo's head. They also severely punished him for
calling Alert Level 1 on such a minor case. The punishment involved renaming
the Initiate 'Pierre' and introducing him to the rest of the penitents,
namely, Josephine, Francois, Modrianni, Charlotte, and a mecha named
'Alphonse'...
Ahem. Where was I? Oh, yeah...
During this entire dissertation on Heresy in Fanficdom, Takezo was busy
checking on his mail.
"'The characterization on Nabiki was excellent. However, you need to flesh
out Kojiro...' But...he isn't mine!"
That last bit of C&C he received was from this mailing list where C&C was
'required'. How they expected to enforce this rule was beyond Takezo, but it
seemed everyone was game anyway, so...
"'Racer X/1999'. Whoo. Funky."
"'I find myself indentifying with Kojiro.' But he isn't mine!"
"Whoa! A project in the works!" He leaned forward in anticipation, then
almost facefaulted at the title..."'Visionaries: Moonlight of the Magical
Knights."
Upon further inspection, the fanfic actually had an interesting premise,
throwing together the Sailor Senshi and the Magical Knights in the
Visionaries Universe. "'And for your speed and overall skill at dodging and
running away, as well as your dippiness, I grant you the totem of......The
BUNNY RABBIT!"
Wiping away tears of laughter, Takezo read the next post.
"'Great. Keep up the good work. Can't wait 'til #5.' Hold your horses, it's
coming."
"'Kojiro should be given more breaks.' But he isn't mine!" Takezo was
starting to get annoyed.
"'Maison Goku. A heartwarming story of a boarding house and the sayajin
living there.' Riiiight."
He chuckled slightly to himself while reading a post that had the heading
"Stop posting messages on both lists!". Which was posted on THREE.
"'Oh! My Gundam.'" At this particular post, all Takezo could say
was...er..."Oh, my gundam."
"'Saint Sayajin.' Talk about insane fighting levels..."
The dry heaves nearly recurred when he came upon a particular
lemon..."*choke* A lemon *gag* starring AZAKA AND KAMADAKI?!?!!?"
"'Celtic Tales: Kaian Wang of the Evil Eyes.' Huh. There's a new twist on
that legend..."
"'Kojiro has a date with Nabiki! What I wouldn't give to be in his shoes.
You've created a good character in Kojiro.' But I'm telling you he's not
MINE!!!"
Finally, Takezo got to the one piece of C&C designed to ruin his reputation
as a fanfic writer for good:
=====
Takezo:
I love your story! I particularly love the way you handled that situation
with the Crusaders of Nabiki Tendo, diffusing it by writing the next part
AFTER Kojiro's part!
However, I have some comments you may want to listen to.
You may want to add some...spice...to your fanfic. After all, we're all big
boys and girls on this mailing list, aren't we? You know,
some...intimate...scenes between Takezo and Nabiki...or Takezo and
Ukyou...or both...
<Takezo raised an eyebrow at this. A scene came to mind.>
-----
Takezo lifted Nabiki's chin, looking into her face. "You aren't such a
bitch, after all. All you need is a little...taming."
Smiling mischievously, he brushed her hair on one side away from her face,
exposing her soft, slender neck....He kissed her there, hands moving down to
her shoulders...making their way their way further down...groping...probing...
It was all Nabiki could do not to cry out. She stifled a moan. She was not
going to give him the satisfation of know he was seducing her, that she was
yielding to his touch...
-----
<Takezo had a funny grin on his face...He shook himself from his daydream
and forced himself to keep reading the letter...>
Also, this needs more emotionally involving scenes! Add more disturbing
scenes! Torture! Murder! Rape! Make your 'fic darker!
<Wha-? Another scene...>
-----
"Why...?" was all Nabiki could manage to say. She clutched at the remnants
of the clothes she wore, torn off by Takezo when he...when he...
Nabiki sobbed as she stared at Takezo, who was standing over her, fixing
his clothes.
Takezo drew a gun from his pocket and pointed it at Nabiki. "You should
have thought of that before you ruined my life. Farewell, Nabiki."
A shot rang out, a scream, then...silence.
-----
<Takezo could help but repress a shudder as he shook off this thought to
continue reading.>
And finally...you need to flesh out Takezo. What is his background? What
country did he live in before he went to study in Japan as an exchange
student? Did he live in America? In Australia? In Canada? You should point
this out!
<Eh? This seems...wrong.>
You should let Takezo and Nabiki get along more! Make them sweet! Make them
show their affection more! Let them kiss in public!
<There's something suspicious about this.>
And finally...make Nabiki nicer! Show that she cares so much for Takezo
that she changes! So that she doesn't pick on Ranma and Kuno so often! So
that she treats friends to lunch! So that she gives money to charity!
<O-ho. I see what you're playing at.>
Anyway, do this and you're a shoo-in for fanfic of the year!
<Suuuure.>
Keep up the good work!
=====
The letter was signed, 'Templar'.
It didn't take a genius to figure it out, but still, Takezo wanted to make
sure.
"Templar, huh?"
At the local Japanese restaurant near Katsu-SandoCon (where, Takezo
complained, they didn't serve any okonomiyaki), Bob and Takezo were having
lunch.
"You know him?" asked Takezo through a mouthful of udon.
"Yep. He's High Commander for the Crusaders. He isn't exactly secretive of
the fact. In fact, he flaunts it."
"I knew it," said Takezo, hammering a fist on his palm. "I knew that piece
of C&C seemed fishy."
"You've got them on the run. They're resorting to more subversive methods
now. Usually, they'd face you in the open, but since that didn't seem to
work, they..."
"I know, they're trying to make me slip up. Well, it's not going to work."
"You nearly fell for it, though," said Bob through his bowl of osuimono.
"Shut up."
"You know it's true. You were going to make it a lemon, weren't you?"
"What's wrong with that?"
"Well, a self-insertion lemon is a LITTLE bit over the top, don't you think?"
"I...well..."
Bob looked smugly at Takezo, but Takezo wasn't giving up so easily.
"Well...I....Kun-chan did it once!"
"Erk." Bob was taken by surprise by that one.
"See?!"
"But that was Kun-chan! That's different!"
"How is it different?" Takezo pressed the advantage.
"It...well...I...she..."
Takezo chuckled. "I'm just having you on, Bob. Of course I wasn't going to
make it a lemon. That wasn't my intention at all."
Bob wiped sweat off his brow. "Whew. For a moment there, you had my goat."
"I know. Anyway, I'm writing part 5 right now."
"And...?"
"And won't they be surprised when they find that their plan didn't work!"
"Um...Takezo...There's something I'd have to tell you..." Bob looked dead
serious.
"What? What? What is it?" Takezo was frantic.
"Um..."
"What?!"
"Your udon. It's getting cold."
<insert facefault here>
In Part 6: Part 5 of 'Turning Road' is posted! What will everyone's reaction
be? Most especially, how will the Crusaders react to this? Stay tuned....
It was a long time coming, but it's finally here.
Apparently, since my title seems to be driving away my target audience,
which are those people who can appreciate satire, I've been considering
changing the series title('Looking for Nabiki' sounds good...), but then the
irony would be lost. Tell me what you think.
Also, my apologies to Kun-chan. (No don't! Put that mallet away! It was a
joke!)
Scorecard:
"Mega-playboy" - 10 pts
"Pierre, Francois, Josephine, etc." - 5 pts
"Visionaries" - 10 pts and a pat on the back you old fogie.
"Maison Goku" - 5 pts
"Saint Sayajin" - name both series, win 10 pts.
"Azaka and Kamadaki" - 5 pts
"Kaian Wang of the Evil Eyes" - 5 pts for where Kaian Wang came from, 5 pts
for the name of the original fomor (and 5 pts for all you who know what a
fomor is).
"KatsuSando-Con" - no pts for naming KatsuCon. 5 Pts are for those who even
know what a 'katsu-sando' is.
"Udon & Osuimono" - for those who know what these are, 5 pts and a sudden
craving.
Part 6 coming your way soon!
TimeRunner
(Who'll probably be the next target of a revengefic)