Here it is, for all you guys who may have missed it when the FFML went down.
Anyone who wants parts 1-3, notify me.
=====
Gratuitous Self Part 4: The FFML At War
Takezo decided to check his mail for new messages before posting
his...revenge on the FFML.
"Hey," he said to himself. "The flame mail seems to have abated. Heh, it's
probably because they think they've landed the coup d'grace on me with that
'Retaliation Fic'. Little do they know..."
"Hmm....'Area 8801, TTS Airbats'. What is this, a crossover?"
"'Don't just sit there, do something about this Retaliation Fic business!'
I am, I am, okay?"
"'Magical Knight Reigun'. Huh?"
"'I loved your work on part 3...' I didn't DO part three, okay?"
"'The Goddess will...' *sigh*" *paku*
By this point, Takezo had already developed a reflex against such flame
messages, which enabled him to press the 'delete' button without even
thinking. Still, he couldn't help but repress a sigh...
"'Area 88th Man After.' Huh? Is Area 88 experiencing a resurgence of
popularity?"
"Short Green Tea.'" After deciding that 'yaoi' just wasn't his bag of tea,
and struggling with his conscience, he decided NOT to flame the author,
because it appeared other people seemed to like it, and he figured everybody
was entitled to his or her own opinion.
"'That's 1/2 My Goddess, Part 6.' FINALLY!" Takezo decided to take break to
read the 'fic for a while.
Afterwards, he sent a very nasty letter to the Scriviner concerning the
cliffhanger end to the
'fic, knowing that it'd be several weeks before the Scriviner'd get around
to writing the next part.
"'I have deleted the mailing list. You have 48 hours to resub.'" Quickly,
Takezo checked the date of posting, looked at his watch, looked in Control
Panel to find the difference in timezones, did some quick calculations in
his head, and decided it wasn't worth the trouble and immediately resubbed
anyway.
"The Goddess..." Takezo immediately deleted that particular piece of mail,
which was really too bad, since it was this really cool spoof of a song by
'The Goddess Family Club'; consequently, he was in the dark several hours
later when everyone was raving about it.
"'Confessions of a Full-time Moocher'. Oh, look, a story about Kinnosuke."
"'Read this, it's really funny.....blahblabblah, a man who didn't pass on
this letter fell in cursed spring months later, this is no joke....AAAARGH!
DAMN CHAIN LETTERS!!!"
Having finally sifted though his entire mailbox for the day, he immediately
posted his 'revenge', and left for class, thinking little of it for the rest
of the day.
For some other people, however, it was an entirely different matter.
"How goes the campaign against the heretic, Takezo Musashi?"
"The reactions on the mailing list have been mixed, High Commander," Kojiro
said to his liege, as well as a packed Grand Hall of the Goddess. The ranks
of the Holy Crusaders of Nabiki Tendo were swelling with new Initiates, who
were joining because of the fervor stirred up by the Heretic Crusade.
Consequently, the server hosting KowaiMUCK (for that was what the Hall of
the Goddess was, a room in KowaiMUCK) was groaning under the strain, or
rather, it would be, if it were only made of wood. Or if it were a person.
Or a mule. Whatever.
"How so?"
"Some lauded our efforts in smiting the heretic. In which thereafter I
invited them to join the Crusaders, an invitation which they heartily
accepted." This drew a smattering of applause from the largely Initiate
audience, which died under the ' : disapprovingly glares at you' poses of
the veteran Knights.
"And I congratulate you, in aiding the cause by recruiting more willing
souls to our cause. However, you did mention something about mixed reaction...?"
"Yes, my liege. Others have declared outrage concerning our tactics."
"No matter. There will always those sentimental fools in war who cry foul
at what we call mere superior tactics. And what of the heretic himself?"
"Sire, he has not posted since..."
"SIRE!"
Both the High Commander and Lord Crusader Kojiro Sasaki turned to look at
the rude interruption with disgust. The rest of the assembly emitted a gasp
at the blatant breach of etiquette.
The Initiate, noticing all the eyes on him, immediately started stammering
while typing. This seems strange, until one realizes that if one's fingers
are shaking while typing, one's output would most probably look like this...
"SSSorry, miilord, buut I havve immporttannt newws forr thhe asssembly."
"Well?" said Kojiro. "Out with it, before I impeach you for interrupting me."
"YYes, miilord! I amm on tthe FFFML riight noww, miilord,, and I jjust
reccieved a lettter fromm thhe herretic!!"
The High Commander simply smiled.
Kojiro, however, was all impatience. "What does it say? Tell us!"
"I can''t miilord! I can''t briing myselff to uttter suchh blassphemy!"
"He has a point, Lord Crusader," said the High Commander. "Methinks we
should see this for ourselves."
Kojiro nodded, and opened his mail reader program in another window. He was
totally unaware of the collective gasp taking place in his MUD Client, as he
was caught up in his own...
---
"Turning Road, Part 4"
By Takezo Musashi
---
Part four?! PART FOUR?! thought Kojiro in a blind fury. He dares to play MY
GAME?!
---
In class, Nabiki and Takezo sat one chair apart from each other, which was,
strangely enough, now occupied by Kojiro. They were both now speaking to
Kojiro, although not each other, which made for a pretty confused new
transfer student.
---
And he uses MY CONTINUITY!? What.....what utter gall!
Somewhere, in the nether reaches of probability, an omnipotent being, known
as The Reader, chuckled to himself because of the complete irony of it all.
---
"So, Kojiro, where you from?" Nabiki asked in that voice that set Takezo's
teeth on edge.
"Oh...um, me? I'm an exchange student..."
---
NOOOO! He's degrading me into the gratuitous self-insertion cliche rut!
He's...this...what....I....
Losing all ability for coherent speech, Kojiro nonetheless continued
reading...like a deer caught in the headlights of an 18-wheeler...
---
"Oh, that's really interesting..."
Oh, that's really interesting, thought Takezo in a mocking tone
of...er...thought. What's she being nice to this guy for, anyway?
But, oblivious to the 'look that kills' from Takezo, Kojiro was in seventh
heaven.
"I-I-I..."
Later, after classes, Nabiki, Takezo and Kojiro were enjoying their
okonomiyakis at 'Ucchan's'.
"Here you go..." said Ukyou, handing okonomiyakis to the three, as well as
a very familiar looking dishelved-haired guy in a green shirt, who said,
"Wow, great!" The guy started to eat, but then his okonomiyaki disappeared
in a blur. Ukyou ran out shouting, 'Stop thief!'
Oblivious to all this, Kojiro was certainly enjoying himself. Here he was,
first day in Nerima and already he had this pretty girl talking to him,
smiling at him...
"Oh!" said Nabiki as she noticed Kojiro's bandaged hand. "Where'd you get
these?"
"I'm....I'm...I'm a martial artist. Those bruises are from my sensei. He'd
always hit my hand with a bokken if he thought I wasn't trying hard enough."
"Awww...." said Nabiki. "Poor Kojiro...." And with that, she took his hand
and held in in both of hers, rubbing the bruises...
Kojiro's free hand fumbled for tissue to wipe his bleeding nose.
Somewhere on the hot plate, Kojiro's poor burning okonomiyaki lay,
forgotten....
----
Oh my god I'm so pathetic what I'm making a fool out of myself in front of
our goddess my god this can't be happening hey look it's a 'So Many
Memories' reference my god please tell me I'm dreaming my god...
---
Actually, 'enjoying' was a loose term, because Takezo was NOT having a good
time. He did not show this, though, and instead started complimenting Ukyou,
who had returned from outside empty-handed and had started to cook another
for the guy in the green shirt, who looked very familiar to Takezo. "This
stuff is great! You're a great cook, Ukyou-san!"
Ukyou scratched the back of her head and grinned sheepishly. "Heheh.
Thanks. I never get tired of hearing that."
"Well, I'm telling it to you again. You're a great cook!"
'Enjoying' DID apply to Nabiki though, as she watched Takezo's 'feeble
attempts' at hiding his jealousy. Look at him, she thought. Trying to change
the topic by talking to Ukyou...
"No, I really think you'd make a good wife."
EH?!
Ukyou blushed slightly at Takezo's remark.
"Huh? Oh, no! I meant you'd make a good wife for Ranma!"
"Oh. OH. Okay."
Nabiki emitted what she thought was an inaudible grunt of displeasure.
---
Blasphemy! Oh blasphemy! She'd never be jealous of anybody! Never! Wait! I
know! She's simply annoyed that her techniques don't seem to be working all
that well on Takezo! Yeah! That's it!
Actually, Kojiro was correct to a certain extent.
---
Takezo stole a glance at Nabiki, and saw her cool exterior drop for a
moment...He heard her grunt...What's wrong with her, he thought. What did I
do this time? I...
For a moment he stared in surprise. No, he thought. It...it can't be! It
just can't be! But the look on her face! Can this be true?
Takezo's mouth curled into a sinister grin. Which he stifled by stuffing it
with some okonomiyaki. "I'll say it again! This is great!"
---
No! He can't be doing this! He can't! He just can't!!!
---
This calls for some serious action, thought Nabiki as she continued talking
and smiling at Kojiro. "Um, Kojiro..."
"Ye..yes?
"Don't you have something to ask me?"
"I...Actually, I do..."
It was now Takezo's turn to grunt, which he did through a smile at Ukyou.
"Yes, Kojiro? What is it?", said Nabiki in that sickeningly sweet voice.
"Would you....um....would you like to go out on a date with me?"
"I'd love to! I'm happy to know that you like me too!"
I've heard that line before, thought Takezo..."You hear that, Ukyou?"
"Uh-huh. So?"
"That's great! That means we can....DOUBLE DATE!"
Nabiki looked at Takezo in shock, which did not show on her face. "Double
date?"
Ukyou also looked at Takezo, although her look was questioning. Takezo
turned to her, which meant he'd turned his back to Nabiki. He winked at her
and mouthed the words 'I'll explain later say yes already'.
"Yes!" said Ukyou. "I'd love to go out with you!"
---
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
---
A while later, after Kojiro and Nabiki had gone, Ukyou confronted Takezo.
"Alright, mister, what's this about a double date?"
"Call me Takezo."
"Alright, Takezo. You have some explaining to do."
"Okay, listen here, Ukyou....may I call you Ukyou?"
"Go on."
"Ukyou, I'm taking you out on a date 'cause..."
"You realize that I have a fiance."
Takezo blinked at the interruption. "Yes....Anyway, I asked you out because..."
"Because you want to keep an eye on those two, yeah, I know. I've heard of
your date with Ms. Moneybags. What's in it for me?"
"What do you want?"
"Hmm..." Ukyou held her chin and started thinking..."I know. You can wash
my dishes and help me clean up this place for the next two weeks."
"No prob. It's a deal." Takezo and Ukyou shook hands. "Wait a sec. Don't
you have that ninja-girl to do your dishes?"
"He's a guy, okay?"
"A guy? Could've fooled me. Where is he by the way?"
"He's gone on vacation in Hokkaido."
"Hokkaido? How could he afford to go to Hokkaido? I hear you don't pay him
much. If at all."
"Simple. He just up and walked."
---
Back in the Hall of the Goddess, the Crusaders' Assembly was in total
chaos. Several Initiates (and quite a number of the Knights, as well) had
taken into spouting gibberish into the dying server. The elder Knights
attempted to restore order by 'sweeping' some of the more panicky Initiates
from the Hall, to no avail, since they kept coming back to spout more gibberish.
The Lord High Commander simply kept silent, and grimly continued on
reading, thinking up fitting ways to punish the errant Knight, Kojiro Sasaki.
Somewhere in the heart of madness, Kojiro Sasaki could not help but repress
a sneeze as he continued reading the fourth part of 'Turning Road'...
---
"Okay then, Ukyou. It's a deal!"
And with that, the date was set. Takezo bid Ukyou farewell and started off
on the long walk to his all-boy dormitory, slinging his bag over his shoulder.
Heheh, I couldn't have planned it better myself, though Takezo. This way, I
get revenge on Nabiki, AND I get to go on a date with that kawaii Ucchan!
Since Takezo didn't have any moustaches to twirl, he simply smiled to
himself, and sung a song that, oddly enough, had just popped into his head
as he saw his dorm in the distance.
"WE ARE THE NO-BRAND HEROES!!!"
---
Kojiro was abruptly shaken out of his stupor by this reference.
"Wh-wha....He's good!"
---
"Oi, Takezo!"
"Hey, Mitsuru! What's up!"
"Your replacement roommate just got here."
Takezo blinked. "Why? What happened to the old one that was supposed to get
here yesterday?"
"Apparently, he had some sort of accident involving some guy with a katana."
"Oh." Takezo suddenly breathed in, in realization. "Oh......boy......"
"Anyway, the new one's waiting up in your room."
"Thanks."
Takezo hurried up the stairs and threw the door open to find....
---
"Me," said Kojiro.
---
...Kojiro Sasaki.
"Na...NANI?!"
"Oh, hi, Takezo! You're my roommate?"
---
Kojiro quietly saved the file, shut off his mail reader, and went to the
Hall to face the music...
A few days later, Takezo got the following message...
---
Takezo:
I may come across to you as bitter about this entire fiasco, having resigned
my post as Lord Crusader.
I am.
I must admit, though, that you handled the situation perfectly, and I know
that I have been bested by a better man. Therefore, I extend my
congratulations to you.
However, our business is not finished. If you think for a moment that this
temporary setback will keep me down for long, you are sorely mistaken.
Until Part 5, then.
The Honorable Kojiro Sasaki
---
"Hmph," thought Takezo. "I'll be waiting."
---
"What do you mean, 'You'll be waiting'? Have you gone completely bonkers,
Takezo?"
"Bob," said Takezo, "I know what I'm doing."
"Uh-huh. Sure. What about that time when someone gave you your first
negative C&C, huh? Remember how you felt what someone told you he didn't
like pseudo-otaku fics? Remember? You totally lost it for a few days."
"Well, the fact that it's still my ONLY negative C&C to this day might be a
factor..."
"ONLY?? Hah! 'Feh comes to mind, and feh isn't even a word!' Remember that?"
"But..."
" ''The whole damn fanfic's out of character!' "
"Okay, okay, you've made your point!"
---
"I think," said the High Commander to the disgraced Crusader after the
crowds in the Hall melted away, "That it is time for me to take matters into
my own hands. Do you think he would appreciate me giving him...C&C?"
The figure of the fallen leader was silent.
Somewhere, someone was staring into his monitor, laughing...
Somewhere, another church was forming a crusade against the heretic....
"Gentlemen, it has come to our attention that a blasphemous document has
been written involving our Goddess of Spatulas...."
PART 5: Don't let this C&C throw you out of whack, Takezo! Get to it! What
do you mean you've lost the will to write? You have to carry on! And what's
this about ANOTHER Crusade?
Actually, this would have been out sooner if I hadn't pulled a 'Skuld' on
my PC and turned it off without saving. But anyway, here it is, totally
revised and totally different from its previous incarnation (which lasted
all of 10 minutes).
As usual, C&C is welcome. However, any and all C&C that reads all of 'This
Sucks' will be completely ignored. If you want to bash me, fine. Just be
specific.
What installment of Gratuitous Self would be complete without...
The Scorecard:
'Short Green Tea' - a hearty 10 pts to all those who've actually been
paying attention to the FFML these days.
'That's 1/2 My Goddess' - no pts, really. This advertisment was paid for
(or will be paid for) by the Scriviner.
'DAMN CHAIN LETTERS' - also no pts, just a sympathetic patpat to all those
who've been plagued by these for the past few weeks.
'Reigun' - 10 pts. C'mon. This is it. Your ticket to 10 free pts.
'KowaiMUCK' - 5 pts. Where a lot of the FFML guys hang out...sorta.
'familiar-looking guy in green at Ucchan's' - 15 pts. For those of you who
don't have a clue of what I'm talking about, check out the first scene in
'Akane and Her Sisters', then ask me if you think you know who it is.
'ninja-girl (guy?)' - 10 pts.
'WE ARE THE NO-BRAND HEROES!' - 20 pts!
Until Part 5 then,
TimeRunner, February 13, 1997
-----
As I read this part, I can't help but miss the first mailing list.
I know, we got 80+ messages on a slow day, received stupid chain letters
from people who didn't seem to get the message, got test messages like crazy
(Hello? This is a test. Is this list on the fritz again?), and had to deal
with deletions of the list in order to keep down the number of subscribers...
So, White Wolf, wherever you are, I wish you a good move (or what's left of
the move, anyhow).
Not that I mind the peace and quiet, though. And I'm on THREE lists!
So. I guess you guys'll have to wait 'til part 5, then.
Oyasumi nasai.
TimeRunner, March 18, 1997
"That's when I knew the spell was broken."
- Shohei