The flowers withered,
Their color faded away,
While meaninglessly
I spent my days in the world
And the long rains were falling.
-- Ono no Komachi
* * *
Nibunnoichi no Sakura
By Sakkahito
I'm here at your grave again.
There's nothing here, and yet I have no other place to go.
I don't want to go anywhere.
I spend lifetimes here with you. Sometimes, I think that maybe, if I listen long enough, I'll hear your voice again. Sometimes, I can almost believe that, if I look hard enough into this stone, I can see you looking back at me, knowing that I'm thinking about you. There are so many things I want to say and so many things that I want you to understand.
But all I hear is the wind and the distant horn of a train from a distant world (a world I don't want to know and that I don't want to be a part of), and all I can see is a cold slab of gray marble that cares nothing for feelings or memories.
The air is acrid with incense; it hurts to breathe, and my eyes are wet.
The sun is now on the horizon; above, it looks like it will begin to rain again.
I don't care anymore. I just want to stay here with you.
I look at the bandage on my arm, and I remember....
I watched the first flame burst on the pyre.
It was so red that it hurt to look at it.
In the distance, there was thunder.
I looked up into the sky and saw the black clouds looming above.
I looked again to you on the pyre, all dressed in white, your eyes closed, silent, so still. In my anguish, I was terribly tempted to look away, but I didn't want to abandon you; I knew I'd already done that when you were with me.
I wanted it to rain.
The flames had caught the fringes of your kimono.
(I felt its burn for you in my heart.)
In that moment, I knew what my world was. For the first and last time, I saw the whole of my existence, its purpose, its substance, its destiny, its fate.... I saw everything illuminated by the bright flame on that wretched pyre.
It was you.
It had always been you.
Somewhere, I thought I saw you open your eyes and heard you call my name. You were frightened, and you wanted to me to put out the fire because you were alive.
There was the acrid incense of smoke in the air.
I opened my eyes and couldn't breathe.
The fire had consumed half the pyre, and still you had not moved.
I was overcome with a sickening, mortal dread as I realized that you wouldn't wake up.
In the distance, there was the thunder again, but the rain still hadn't come.
There was only the flame that consumed the pyre.
Consumed you.
I suddenly knew that I didn't want to lose you. I didn't want you to be destroyed.
(You were so beautiful.)
My hate for the fire was reflected in its red hue now. Now, I could look at it without fear.
I knew what I had to do.
I went to you and thrust my hands into the fire, reaching into it for you.
(In another world, I heard panicked voices and screams.)
Hands reached out and grabbed me, trying to keep me away from you.
I screamed. I didn't want to lose you.
There was a flash of light, and then all I saw was red.
The last thing I remembered was the one word that was everything I was:
Akane-chan....
"Ranma-san, you really should keep that on until the doctor says otherwise."
I look to see who it is, but I already know from that voice.
Nabiki kneels next to me and wordlessly redoes the bandages on my arm.
I am too tired to really care one way or the other.
There is an awkward silence between us, and I spend it silently wishing that she would just go away and leave me with your stone, but I care too little to say it.
A cold breeze blows by, and there is a rustle of trees in the darkness.
"Ranma-san, you really shouldn't stay out here like this for so long. You'll catch cold."
I don't answer. I'm beyond caring about myself; it was lifetimes ago when I last cared.
I see only your stone now.
"Roses?"
I follow Nabiki's gaze to the small bouquet I had left at the foot of the stone when I had first come. I nod silently in acknowledgment.
"Imouto always loved red."
I nod again. I am annoyed that she hasn't taken the hint.
Another silence lapses, an awkward one in which I feel Nabiki's gaze on me as I continue contemplating the stone, and I think that, if I focus hard enough, I can make Nabiki disappear.
I feel drops of cold water on my head.
It is winter rain.
I sigh in resignation, expecting to find myself drenched in cold water very shortly.
(In the back of mind, there is a faint hope that I'll fall ill and follow you....)
It doesn't happen.
I look up and see Nabiki holding an umbrella over me.
There is light all of a sudden. Nabiki lays a small flashlight on the ground between us.
I see for the first time that she is dressed in a kimono. I manage a frown, giving in to my marginal curiosity.
She reads my face and smiles knowingly.
"I came to pray tonight."
I frown again, caught somewhat off-guard by the notion. In her eyes, I read the words "I know."
"Sometimes, Ranma-san, it helps to pray."
"You would be better off at some shrine than here with that kimono."
"It's just a little dirt," she says with a dismissive shrug. "Why do you come here to think of my sister?"
"I have nowhere else to go."
She seems to contemplate that, and in her eyes, I sense that she has something to say, but she lets the matter drop.
Another silence. I think Nabiki is praying, yet her eyes are always on me.
I frown, wondering why her gaze isn't on your stone.
Again, that knowing smile. "I don't pray for my sister, Ranma-san; I know that she's fine, that she's at peace now. It's you I'm praying for."
I am angry, and I turn away from her.
"Why are you mad at me, Ranma-san?" she asks.
I look for an answer, but don't find one convenient, so I assume it doesn't matter. After all, why should I have to justify myself to Nabiki?
'Because she's Akane-chan's sister...,' says a voice in my mind.
I laugh bitterly at the voice; that's the reason I merely turned away and I didn't snap at her.
"Three months, Ranma-san. When will it end? When will you let go?"
Tell me why she's doing this to me. Let you go?! I hate her more and more with each word. I wouldn't dare to even think that I could let you go. I know beyond all conviction that it's the only reason I'm alive now, to keep your memory alive. That your sister would have the audacity to propose such a thing, much less want me to forget...!
"I know, Ranma-san. I know it's hard. I know that everyone says that it's for the best if you let go of these kinds of things, best to celebrate the lives of people you care about with some happiness and some peace with yourself, that it's what my sister would want. I know everyone says the same thing, but maybe you should listen. So many people say it, and they can't all be liars, and I seriously don't think they're all ignorant either."
"What does anyone know about how I feel?"
"I know how you feel," Nabiki says quietly.
I laugh at that.
"I do, Ranma-san."
"How would you know anything about it? How -- "
I stop, mortified into silence as I see water glistening in her eyes.
(I have never seen Nabiki cry. Even as the pyre burned, I remember that Nabiki didn't cry.)
"I've lost a sister and my mother, Ranma-san."
"I-I'm sorry.... I -- "
Nabiki smiles in spite of herself, and I know that I don't have to say anymore.
"At some point, Ranma-san, you have to let go, or else you'll go mad. I know you're afraid that letting go means forgetting, but it doesn't mean that. You'll never forget, Ranma-san, but you must make your peace with Akane-chan. I know you loved her, Ranma-san, and I know that you always will. For your sake and hers, you must make your peace with her."
My heart throbs with pain, the same fresh wound I felt on the day you spoke to me for the last time. I know that the pain is Nabiki's fault, but somehow I can't bring myself to be angry with her now.
"I-I never said I loved her," I insist. It's all I can say.
"Yes. That's just it, isn't it, Ranma-san. You never did tell her you, did you."
There is a blazing tanto cutting deep into my heart. I feel like the lightest wind will make me cave in on myself, and I can hear the weight of a mountain starting to give way. I am calling your name in the darkness because I can't see anymore; it is an oni that answers me, and I hear it bashing into the walls of this cave, raining a fiery shower of glowing stone and earth over me.
And then there is your voice calling my name....
The ground is shaking.
I shield my eyes with my arm as I look for you, but it catches on fire, and I am blind, tears scorching across my face.
"Ranma-san...."
I can't see, but I know I am in Nabiki's arms now. She whispers my name over and over, saying some things that I really don't understand. Something about understanding why I didn't ever tell you how I really felt, that if I did, our parents would've seen the marriage through before the end of the day. Things about the timeless values of honor and love, of the inconvenience of youth, of duty, of fidelity to my iinazuke, of things that sound so noble, so fulfilling, yet are the cause of all the emptiness in my world. Then, there are some things about her own grief, how a day doesn't go by when she doesn't look for you at the table only to remember to that you're gone, how lonely it seems walking to and from school with the space between us, how she always feels that maybe if she looked in the park, she'd find you there feeding crumbs to pigeons and (as the little children watch and wonder) crying to yourself about something I had said but didn't mean.
"I almost went mad when our mother died. I don't want that to happen with Akane-imouto's memory, not for our father, for Kasumi-oneechan, for myself, or for you. If one of us went mad now, we'd all fall together. I know that its hard to see, but you're not alone; you never were. We are a family now, Ranma-san. Imouto brought us together because she loved you. I know you've never been really fond of me, but I... I always thought of you as a brother I never had. Please come home, Ranma. There's a family waiting for you."
I'll go with Nabiki, but it's only because I am too weak to resist.
* * *
The rain has long since turned to ice and snow, and now, the wind beats angrily against the window.
They say it's very cold, and yet I feel a fire on my skin, a fire that I can't see except when I close my eyes. I long to return to your stone, but Nabiki and Kasumi always keep me home; I can't walk now, and my voice is too weak and weary to say little more than your name.
And I remember....
Your eyes on me in a room full of people.
You reached out to me. I reached for your hand, but it had dropped to the floor long before I could catch it. I took it in my own and held it close.
You smiled.
"Hold it to your cheek for me, Ranma," you said.
I did, my tears running over your fingers.
"No matter what happens, no matter what you think of me, my feelings won't ever change. I have so much I want to say, but there isn't much time. It's okay, there'll be a day when we can talk about feelings. I'm just sorry that it isn't today. I.... I...."
The breath grew shallow in your lungs. There was a look in your eyes that told me something I didn't want to know. I just wanted you to keep talking, to keep hearing your voice so that I would know you were still with me.
You smiled, and you said the thing that I thought we would never say.
"I almost think our parents did something right when they engaged us. I am... grateful... that I was your fiancee."
It was done. The spell was broken. Tradition had gotten the better of us, but I didn't feel that we had lost.
I just didn't feel like a child anymore.
I felt something great stir within me, something about a truth that I hadn't known until now but that had been with me since the first time we met so long ago. I wanted to share it with you, and I was about to say it.
But you were gone, and I was alone.
I think I have lived an entire lifetime alone. I don't keep track of the days or even the hours anymore because everything that matters is in the past. I can accept that now.
Someone is here, handing me a cup of tea.
It's Nabiki again.
I think I smile at her as I take the cup in my hands and touch it to my lips, but I am too weak to steady it.
Green tea spills over my face and seeps onto my clothes and the futon that I remember is underneath me.
I hear someone crying.
"Nabiki-san?"
Someone takes my hand and holds it up to a tear-stained cheek.
There is a sound that drowns out her words, the sound of someone pounding outside on the window.
I look up, but no one is there. But the pounding doesn't stop. It becomes louder, more insistent, and then I hear a voice calling my name.
The glass shatters, and there is a cold wind that brings a shower of sakura into the room. Everywhere I look, I see the beautiful white sakura that smells of spring. I feel something stir in my heart, and for the first time in so long, I can hear the beat of blood coursing through my veins. The cool breeze puts out the fire, makes the red pleasant to look at, and suddenly the world is bright and inviting.
I am dancing in the sunlit sakura breeze, and I don't know why.
"Ranma-chan."
I look up....
And I see you....
I see you!
I am on my knees, reaching up to the hand that you offer me.
It's real! You're smiling at me!
"Yes. I'm here, Ranma-chan. I wanted to say that I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused you. I know all of it; I was always with you. Not with the ashes that they threw into the seaside breeze or with the stone in the graveyard. I am with you, Ranma. You and I, Ranma, of one heart, one mind, one spirit. No temples, blessings, ceremonies, priests, kimonos and yukatas or and vows for us, Ranma-chan. We didn't need them."
Beyond death?
"Yes, Ranma-chan. Peace now. I'm all right. Live for yourself now and not for me."
I look into myself for myself, but I there's nothing there to find.
All I know is what I see before me, both of us wishing we could stay like this forever.
When the wind recedes, I will follow you in the sunlit sakura breeze....
* * *
In the windswept winter rain, Nabiki walked alone to the graveyard and cried to herself as she shivered from the cold. She looked to the three stones and remembered how lonely her walks to school were now, how quiet the house was, and how empty the table seemed.
In the night, a cold wind came and froze the tears of her heart on her cheeks as she prayed.
