[Cut to Warehouse 23 on the Sound and Furry lot. This is where Eric
writes and imagines his fanfic ideas. It's very big, but also very empty.]
Eric: Greetings, readers! For your pleasure today, I've got a wonderful
assortment of random clips. I've been digging through the ol' vaults of
anime, and I recently came across an old, abandoned box of anime tapes.
Sure, that's not so suprising. We're all otakus here, right? But this one
is special..
Andrew: [from off-screen] Get on wi' it already!
[Eric casually produces a mallet, and tosses it off-screen. A yelp of pain
is heard.]
Eric: Right, so as I was saying, this one's special. It's a collection not
of regular anime series, but the -audition- tapes, with some shocking
revalations of what some anime series might have looked like.. And so, I
present to you..
[cue drum roll..]
------
THEY MIGHT HAVE BEEN
Another piece of irrelivance from the Sound and Furry Productions
------
Eric: [blinks, looking off-screen] Hey! What kind of 'flashy intro' was
that?
Andrew: I woul' imagine it was Mike who drained oor budget on those flats
o' Jolt.
Eric: [laughs nervously] Oh yes! The Jolt! Go reprimand him for me, would
ya?
Andrew: Aye!
[Andrew runs off, and more sounds of bodily harm can be heard. Meanwhile,
Eric sneaks a swig of Jolt cola before talking.]
Eric: Okay, our first clip, gives an alternate view of what the Sailor Moon
tv series might have looked like..
[Eric is tapped on the shoulder, and he turns around. Both Andrew and Mike
are standing there, tapping their feet impatiently.]
Andrew: We'd like tae hae a word wi' ye.
Eric: Ah, heh heh... [whispers] Cut to the clip, now!!
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------------------
[A loud, screaming, yet wonderfully beautiful night. Sailor Moon is
running in circles, away from energy blasts coming from the direction of
some ugly-looking youma.]
Sailor Moon: Eeek!! Luna, help!!
Luna: Sailor Moon! You've got to have confidence in yourself!
[Suddenly, a strum of some latin music is heard, a rose flies through the
air, and jabs into the beast, which screams. Sailor Moon looks up to see a
young blonde man, Mikado, wearing a tuxedo, his cape flowing in the wind.
He leaps down to Sailor Moon's side.]
Mikado: Courage, beautiful Sailor Moon. Use your powers to defeat the
Youma. I have my upmost confidence in your talents. For good luck..
[Mikado draws Sailor Moon into a deep and passionate kiss. The youma pulls
the rose out of it's side, and waits for the two to finish. It checks it's
watch. Twice. Finally, Mikado lets Sailor Moon up, who is blushing
madly.]
Sailor Moon: Ohh, Tuxedo Mikado....
Director: CUT!!!
[The youma stomps off the set shaking its head, while Mikado looks over
at the director confidently.]
Mikado: I take it that was sufficient? And only in one take too, but surely
I am perfection on scr...
Director: [howling mad fury] What the hell was that? You're supposed to
give Sailor Moon a morale boost, not raging hormones!! And where's your
mask?!
Mikado: [shrugging] I am not so afraid as to hide my indentity. I don't see
why my character would either. As for the kiss.. [points to Sailor Moon.]
Sailor Moon: [in a daze] I.. Don't mind the script changes at all....
Director: [shakes his head] Right. That's it. Somebody get me that Mamoru
guy! [points to Mikado] And get him off the set!
Mikado: [bristles, as he's dragged away by a few very large men] Mamoru..?
That.. HACK?!
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------------------
Eric: [raises a hanky to his eyes, drying them] Oh the humanity! The show
could have been so much better with him as the star...!
Mike: I can't believe they didn't burn that tape..
Eric: You dare mock Mikado?! [growling] COSMIC WEDGIE!!!
[scenes to horrible and violent and.. amusing to possibly show visually.
The sound isn't edited out, though..]
Mike: OWOWWOWOWOWOWoWWOWOWOWOWOWOoooohhhowoowwowowowowow!!!!!!!
[But it probably loses something in the transition to script...]
Andrew: 'cosmic wedgie'?
Eric: Well, we'd already used 'boot to the head'..
Andrew: Aye, 'tis true, tis true. What else dae ye hae for us, lad?
Eric: [grins] Oh, this one's too good to pass up.. And a shame it wasn't
the real show... I personally title it.. 'Ataru Muyo'...
Andrew: Fer real? Let me look at this box o' tapes....
Eric: Knock yourself out. Right now, let's go to that tape I just
mentioned...
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------------------
[On the set of Ataru Muyo, Ataru and the director are having a bit of a
discussion.]
Director: Okay, so in this scene, Ryoko and Aeka are arguing over you, and
Mihoshi will watch on in her usual confusion..
Ataru: Yeah, yeah, I'm used to it. So then I'm supposed to..?
Director: Well, your character is a rather honorable type. Just think
'chaste' during the scene, and we'll try and play it by ear..
Ataru: What? You guys don't have a script yet, do you?
Director: Well, um, Mr. Ataru, sir.. After allowing for your acting fees,
we ran out of budget, and we couldn't afford a script writer..
Ataru: [sighs] Fine.. 'Chaste'?
Director: Very.
[Ataru nods, and sits down on the living room couch.]
Ataru: I'm ready.
Director: Places everybody!
[Aeka, Ryoko and Mihoshi all walk on stage. Ataru seems to be holding in a
leer with great effort.]
Director: And... Action!
[Ryouko and Aeka face off against each other.]
Aeka: You.. Harlot! How dare you make such advances on my Ataru?!
[Ataru leaps up, embracing Aeka.]
Ataru: Don't worry babe, I'll share you all!
Aeka: EEEEEEEKKK!!!!!!!!!!!
Director: CUT! CUT!!
Aeka: Get this pervert off of me!!
[With great effort, Ataru is removed from Aeka. The director is shaking his
head sadly.]
Director: Okay.. Let's try this scene.. Without Ataru..
Ataru: Fine with me! [Ataru cackles, and leaps off the couch, and promptly
dissapears.]
Director: Okay, everyone ready? [Aeka has put her hair back in place, and
nods.] Right then... Action!
Aeka: You.. Harlot! How dare you make such advances on my Ataru?! [Aeka
looks a little disgusted at having to say this.]
Ryoko: That's -my- Ataru, you old hag! I ought to..
[Cuts off at some light moans coming from behind the couch. Both Ryoko and
Aeka walk towards it curiously.]
Mihoshi: Ara? I know we aren't working off a script Mr. Ataru, but are you
sure this is okay? Not that Mihoshi minds...
[Ryoko and Aeka peer over the couch, and turn a deep shade of crimson.]
Ryoko: I thought -I- was supposed to be the forward character of the show..
[walks off]
[Aeka falls on her knees, her hands to her mouth, looking deep in shock.]
Director: Stop the film.. Stop filming! This isn't -that- kind of
anime...!
[The image blanks out.]
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Eric: Strangely enough, I actually liked that..
Andrew: I'd be inclined tae say that yer a sick one, lad, but yer right,
it was amusin'.
Eric: Heh. So did you find anything wors... Err, better?
Andrew: Ah, 'ere be a film worthy o' showing, to be shoor..
Eric: Will you stop it with the accent already?
------------------
------------------
[Tsukino Usagi looks at a set, slightly nervous. Next to her is the
producer of Sailor Moon.]
Usagi: Are you sure about her being a new senshi? I mean...well....
Producer: Tsukino-san, that's why we're doing these test scenes
with the live audience. Let's see what they think.
[Usagi doesn't seem any more sure about it, but says nothing.]
[The director comes over and hops into his chair. The view pulls back,
but the rest of the set still can't quite be seen.]
Director: Okay, places! Remember, for this bit, you say, 'In the name of
the Moon' and so forth. Not that...oh, what was it? Eh, never mind. All
right?
Guy with the board: Test scene one, scenario three.
Director: Action!
*KLACK*
Voice from set: You. In the name of the Moon, die.
*BRRRZZAAAAPT*
[We see a youma crashing to the ground in bloody chunks before
disappearing like dead youma normally did. Usagi blinks. The target
audience (preteen girls) stares. A few of them whimper.]
Director: CUT!!
[The view now pans to the source of that voice from the set. It is
Ifurita, the most powerful Demon God. She lowers her Power Key Staff and
turns to the director.]
Ifurita: Well?
Director: [stammering] Uh...that is...maybe you shouldn't use that just
quite yet. [he points to her multi-purpose Staff] You...you do have
other attacks, right?
Ifurita: Of course.
Director: Let's try one of those, okay? Um, okay, let's do...scenario
fourteen. Places.
That guy again: Test scene two, scenario fourteen.
Director: Action!
*KLACK*
Another Random Youma: Ha! You puny senshi are nothing. For Queen Ber--
*FWOOOSH*
*sizzle*
[After the flames from Ifurita's imitation of Shayla's battle technique
clear away, the still-standing skeleton of the youma can be seen. It
quivers for a moment, then collapses into a heap. Unfortunately, the
skull faces the audience, its hideous visage grinning at the girls. It
disappears, but not before many of the girls start crying at the sight.]
Director: CUT! CUTCUTCUT!!!!
[Back to Usagi and the Producer. Usagi is mortified. The Producer
sighs.]
Producer: Ah well. Maybe we can hand this idea off to the YRN.
------------------
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Andrew: So, wha' dae ye think?
Eric: [blinking] Eep.
Andrew: A l'il babe you are, Eric. Mike, whot did oo think?
Mike: Ummm... I agree with Eric about the accent.
Andrew: Och, that dooes it!
[Bashbashbashbashbash... You get the idea.]
Eric: [edging away from the fight] And now, one that people are
guaranteed to react to, Mikado's bodyguard Chance, in a scene that you
will either love or hate.. [whispers] Get the flame-proof shields out, now!!
[Andrew appears in a nuke-suit reminiscent of Misato's in Evangelion ep
7.]
Andrew: I dinna think we got anythin' better than this.
------------------
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[Fade in on a rooftop. From the looks of things - scorch marks, broken
windows, small craters, etc. - a major fight took place recently.
Scattered about are unmoving forms: Sailors Venus through Jupiter with
various fatal injuries: a broken neck here, a sort of plasma burn there,
one impaled on the horn of a satellite dish.
[Tuxedo Mask can be seen lying on the ground in a pool of blood from a
slash going from shoulder to waist; next to him is Sailor Moon's body:
something has neatly slashed her from Adam's apple to left ear.
[And at the center of the devastation is Chance; the combination of his
facial expression and 'dress greys' making him look more sinister than
usual. He is holding an energy sword (ala Ryoko's, but pure black) to the
throat of a kneeling Sailor Mercury (who is sobbing?)]
Chance: There is no shame in surrender now, Sailor Mercury... [smirks]
...or would you prefer I called you Ami?
[At this moment a man (think 5'7", slacks, rolled-up shirt, glasses)
walks onscreen, shaking his head and looking kinda shocked]
Man: Cut! Chance, we have to talk. [Chance lets Ami go, and looks at the
man questioningly] You're great! I mean, your plan was first-rate; the
tactics second-to-none... but there're these little matters of audience
reactions and ratings and... [Chance scowls, muttering something in
Marduk]
Chance: You mean they [indicated the vanquished Senshi by a gesture] were
_supposed_ to win?! Damn, I'm surprised Beryl and co. weren't able to
exploit their obvious incomeptence. Talk about hang time...
[Flashback: Sailor Mars is winding up for one of her special attacks when
Chance teleports beside her and executes a foot sweep, followed by an
aikido throw; Rei ends up with the dish's horn protruding from between her
breasts, blood gushing from the wound and her mouth]
Man: I mean, they're the heroines... and, er, hero, of the movie...
[Another flashback: Chance dodging Tuxedo Mask's roses; his Shadow
Phalanx deals with the few that get close. The fight moves to close
quarters - energy-blade-to-cane - and lasts another several seconds before
he gives Tux a faceful of dirt and executes his blitzkrieg technique while
the latter is trying to clear his vision.]
Chance: Well, you did want me to go all-out.
Man: Yes... but, but... uhm, well...
------------------
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Eric: [grinning widely] Ya know, this is the Sailor Moon episode I always
wanted to see...
Andrew: Heh...kind o' fits wi' me Sailor Ifurita, woul'n't ye say?
Eric: Right. Well, one last scene I want to include this one, just
because I feel like it. Actually, it's not an audition tape, but an early
idea for a series, which obviously went through a bit of a re-write..
Just watch it, I'm sure it'll give you a few shivers.
------------------
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[Open to the bridge of the SDF-1. The crew is scrambling around madly,
trying to organize take-off. Through the viewscreen, a gigantic dogfight is
visible. Lisa Hayes is running between all the other command posts, making
sure everyone is doin what they should be doing. The view is from just
behind the admiral's chair, so we can't see who's seated there.]
Hayes: Admiral, we're almost ready for take off! ...Admiral, admiral are
you listening to me?
[Hayes reaches forward, and pulls a pair of earphones off the head of
whoever's in the admiral's seat.]
Hayes: Admiral! Were you listening to anything I said?
[The view switches to a full view of the admiral's chair. Lounging there is
Justy Ukei Tyler, who's looking a bit confused.]
Tyler: Did I miss anything important?
Hayes: Admiral! I need the order to take off!
Tyler: Why would you want to do that?
Hayes: Because we're in the middle of an alien invasion!
Tyler: Oh.. Why don't we wait and see how our fighters do first?
Hayes: [anger edging into her voice] Admiral.. Why don't you act
responsibly for once in your life? This is important!
Tyler: [seriously] You're right. Crew... [cheerfully] Fire the main
cannon!
Kim: But admiral! If we do that, we'll take out all of Macross city!!
Tyler: Oh.. [Tyler slumps into his seat, pondering.]
[The entire bridge crew waits patiently..]
Hayes: [resentfully] We're awaiting orders.. 'Sir'.
Tyler: [bolts up] I've got it!
Hayes: You do?
Tyler: Let's take off into orbit!
[Collective groans from all around.]
Kim: Brilliant plan, admiral..
[Switch to an outer view of the SDF-1, as it starts to take off from the
ground. The image fades a bit, as the title comes in.]
MACROSS:
Tales of the Irresponsible Admiral
Tyler: Hey, what's this button do?
Hayes: Captain, no!!
[The ship begins the folding sequence...]
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Eric: [cleaning up the mess of spliced tapes, etc, all around Warehouse
23.] Heh. That one's my favourite.. Kind of scary, when you think
about it, how close those two bridge crews are.. Well, with one rather
glaring exception. Anyways, that's it from the vaults for now. The rest
of the stuff was just too -scary- to tell you about... Have a good night
folks!
Andrew: We're goin' tae be doin' this more often, right?
Eric: I sure -hope- not...
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THEY MIGHT HAVE BEEN
A Sound and Furry Production
written by: Eric Jones - Tuxedo Mikado, Ataru Muyo, Macross: Tales of
the Irresponsible Admiral
Andrew Huang - The shine no senshi
Arthur Edwards - A 'Chance' encounter for the scouts..
The Productions-----starring Not responsible for any brain
Sound Furry Andrew Huang Meredith Laver damage
and-----the Eric Jones------Mike Chen incurred
http://confused.student.harvard.edu/~furry/