Ranma 1/2: Soap on a Rope.
A Ranma 1/2 Soap Opera
by Michael Chen
in association with The Sound and the Furry Productions
http://confused.student.harvard.edu/~furry

This little piece nicely incorporates script as well as prose.  Script
being the rough, in between the scenes look, and Prose being the actual
production material.  To help the reader, the separations will be noted
explicitly.

The Beginning....

Who knows what evil lurks in Lot 666 of the tiny The Sound and the Furry
Productions Facility?  Well, for starters, Lot 666 is the personal
production studio of Zenk(i). (* The "i" is omitted for copyright reasons.
Zenki [TM] is a trademark of Software Sculptors in the USA.)  Ok, besides
being called the
Most-Totally-Awesome-Snobby-Self-Indulgent-As-Well-As-A-Self-Centered-Bastard 
(*Check out #anime/manga on Efnet, and ask around.  You'll get answers.),
Zenk is also known as meek and mild Michael Chen, a typical case study of a
sexually deprived seventeen year old, suffering from a severely low
self-esteem as well as an acute case of caffeine addiction and a string of
mediocre academic performance.

Now, we may begin.

[The camera slowly approaches, and enters Studio 666, where Michael can be
seen seated in a director's chair.  First impressions- he's terribly short,
seems extremely thin due to starvation rations and seems to suffer from
extreme myopia.]

Michael:  Ok!  Quiet on the set!  I want to have a quick-run-through before
we start the real filming!  We don't have much of a budget so NO MISTAKES,
PLEASE!  [mutters]  Andrew and Eric seemed to have found "better" things to
do with the funds.

[The normal cast of Ranma 1/2 wander onto the stage.]
Everyone: Hey, is this Biles's Production Studio?  We're late for an
important filming!

[Michael coughs nervously.]
Michael: Oh, well, since Biles is a good friend of mine... [Michael pushes
a giant bag which is squirming around behind him..  The sounds of a man
struggling to break out of handcuffs, leg irons, as well as 10 meters of
rope can be heard.]  ...He gave me permission to use you guys in one of my
productions. [An exclamation can be heard from the bag.] (* Serious note,
Michael Chen does not know John Biles in any way, shape, or from.)

Ranma:  Geesh, just what we all need, another on-the-fly production.

[Michael hands out a bunch of scripts]
Michael: I'm pretty sure you guys will enjoy acting this out.  Feel free to
peruse the script.

[Everyone picks up their copy of the script and start skimming through it.
For the moment, most of the crew seem quite satisfied with the exception of
Ranma.  Angered, Ranma walks up to Michael and lifts the poor director up
by the collars.]

Ranma: What is the meaning of this!  You want me to act like in a girl for
the ENTIRE PRODUCTION!?!?

Michael: Um, yeah, piece of cake?

Ranma: Of course not, I absolutely refuse to do this.  There is no way I'm
going to do this at all!  Not a chance!  Zip!  Zilch!  A Dry Hump!  No one,
even God, has the right to do this to me!!!!

Michael: [with a mischievous smile.]  And you are prepared for the
consequences?

Everyone else: Consequences?

Michael: Well, you know about my other works?  Alternative Reality, No
Title, and that Tenchi-Ranma crossover?  Well, fortunately for me, none of
them are quite finished yet.  And you know that leaves a lot of room for me.

Ranma: What do you mean!?  [Ranma starts to shake Michael.]

Michael: Well, I could have Ranma finally fall in love with Ryoga, and add
a couple nice lemony scenes to cement their relationship in Alternative
Reality. [Ranma turns pale white.]  And then again in No Title, I could
have Akane and Nabiki get violent over you. [Ranma starts shaking in fear.]
 Oh yeah, and in that crossover, I could turn Tenchi into a mega-stud.
[Ranma visualizes the entire female cast members of Tenchi Muyo and Ranma
1/2 pampering Tenchi.]

Ranma: Stop!  Stop! No, please no more!

Michael: Very well.  PLACES EVERYONE!

=============================
[Insert the typical jazz.  Introduction, catchy theme song, etc. etc.  Wild
sex scene, whatever really suits your fancy.  I mean, who actually pays
attention to the beginning of a fanfic.  Come on, a fanfic written on paper
having a real theme song and introduction?  Whatever...]

Episode 1: The Beginning of a Terrible Ordeal.


    Kodachi Kuno stood in triumph as she stared at the results of three
years of effort, the high-tech wonders of bioengineering, a
biological-agent that would alter anyone's personality, randomly.  She
laughed maniacally as she knew just the person she wanted to use the potion
on.  Ranma Saotome.

    Quickly changing out of her lab coat, and giving the reader just a
quick peep at her lusciously formed body, Kodachi Kuno picked a simple, yet
effective attire- her standard gymnast leotard, which served to simply show
off her figure.  "Oh, Ranma-sama.  With this, I hope to free you from the
evil clutches of Akane Tendo and the pig-tailed girl."  Feeling her success
ensured, Kodachi dashed out of the door, eager to test her new concoction
on her darling Ranma.

* * *

    Today wasn't a good day for Ranma.  First of all, he managed to piss
Akane off, and he wisely abandoned ship before Akane could beat him into a
pulp.  Then Ryoga, despite his constantly lost status, had somehow managed
to know what rude words Ranma had said.  So he had wisely spent the last
three hours chasing Ranma around Nerima.  From there, it only went down the
hill, past the shoreline, and into the deep, murky waters of the ocean.

    Right after Ryoga was Shampoo, who was trying to get Ranma to proclaim
his love.  Right after Shampoo was Mousse, who wanted to skin Ranma alive
and burn his carcass, and then take Shampoo and ravage her.  Hold that
thought, let's forget about the latter desire.  Right after Mousse, was
Tatewaki Kuno with his usual, "Die Ranma Die!" copyrighted battle cry.

    And from here on, the list only gets longer.  Half a block behind was
Ukyo, who was wielding her spatula, and threatening death to Shampoo, while
way off in the distance, Ranma could also make out a mailbox and the 
dreaded tiny body of Happosai, running along with a giant sack of 
undergarments.

    However, running without looking forwards is a bad practice, even for a
great martial artist.  Perhaps it was fate, or just bad luck on Ranma's
part.  Kodachi landed in front of Ranma, her arms open wide, waiting for
her delectable Ranma-sama to run into her arms.  Well, Ranma did run into
her arms, and continued to run.

    A loud smash could be heard.

    Immediately, the entire crowd that had been chasing Ranma, including
Ranma, was engulfed in a vile, black cloud of swirling gas.  Kodachi
started to laugh maniacally, but as she laughed, it started to loose it's
crazy edge.

    Kodachi stood up, and looked at the crowd of people, everyone looking
at each other confused.  She looked down at herself, and was completely
appalled with her selection of clothing.  Nervously, she glanced around.
'This is a really improper choice of clothing.  Oh, I already feel
embarrassed!  I just know it, everyone's really looking at me!'  With that
final thought, she quickly ran away.

* * *

    Soun looked at his youngest daughter gravely.  "Now, Akane, you
shouldn't get so violent over these things.  You could scare away Ranma."
Soun was getting rather worried, because he had rather weird plans for
Ranma and Akane's relationship.  In fact, from day one, he had been
secretly hoping that Ranma and Akane would just forget the courting,
wooing, and other messy stuff, and just get married the next day.  In his
mind, there were many good reasons for doing that, but at the moment, he
just couldn't think of one.

    Akane glared back at her father.  "It's not as if it's my fault.  That
jerk had to make that stupid comment about my cooking, again.  Oh when he
comes back, he's going to get it."  Genma and Soun started to look
nervously at each other.

    A cheery voice greeted them.  "I'm home!"  Almost immediately Akane
dashed to greet Ranma with a blow to the head.  Surprisingly, Ranma dodged
Akane easily and sent her flying into a chair.  Genma and Soun froze, as
there was something really wrong with the picture.  Number one, Ranma
actually hit Akane back.  Number two, Ranma was wearing some tight jeans
and a very, very, tight, tight top that revealed the fact she had a bra on.
  "Hi Father!  I'm sorry, but I somehow I felt I needed a change in my life."

    Genma gulped as he eyed what was left of his son, who definitely didn't
seem so manly.  Ranma continued.  "Oh, I feel so great today and so happy!
Today a lot of pain was lifted from my shoulders!  A lot of pain!  I must
go and flirt with my true love!"  With that said, Ranma ran out of the door
like a girl, trying hard not to trip in her platform shoes or to shake her
upper body too much.

    Akane, Genma, and Soun stared blankly for a moment.  Kasumi smiled.
"So, is Ranma trying to get in touch with his feminine side?"

* * *

    Ranma hummed a song as she cheerfully skipped through Nerima, on the
way to visit her one true love.  Unfortunately, she didn't know the she was
causing quite a stir in Nerima, as she left a path of drooling boys.  She
was so happy, that she didn't see a tiny, little black pig in the road that
was completely lost.  She landed on it, and the pig's resulting squeal
startled her.

    "Oh, what a cute little piggy."  Ranma exclaimed, and she picked up
Ryoga.  "Oh, Ryoga, I'm so sorry I stepped on you."  Ryoga didn't know
whether to be angry or to be deliriously happy.  Ranma cuddled him to her
chest to show that she was really, really sorry.  Ryoga felt the ample,
nice softness and he almost blanked out immediately. 

    Ryoga looked at Ranma.  'Oh, I don't know what to feel anymore!  But I
love Akane.  But I love Ranma as well!  Who shall I pick!?!'  Ryoga
squealed in desperation.  Ranma looked down, curious.  "What, you still
mad?  Well, I guess I have to try harder."  Ranma squeezed even more
tightly, and Ryoga felt his blood flying in his body supersonic.  Ryoga
mentally laughed as if he were completely plastered.  'Ok, so Ranma was
right when he said he had a better body.'  He passed out completely.

    Ranma looked at the fainted pig, and shrugged her shoulders.

* * *

    Shampoo jumped up, and exclaimed.  "Wo de ai ren!"  Cologne hopped out
from the kitchen hoping to see Ranma, but instead, she arrived just in time
to see Shampoo give Mousse a body crushing, full-body contact hug.  Shampoo
started caressing Mousse and made purring noises, which seemed quite sexy,
and quite surprisingly, he made not a single reaction to her.  Shampoo
frowned a bit, and doubled her efforts.  She was surprised, when Mousse
pushed her away.

    Putting on his glasses, Mousse looked at Shampoo disdainfully.
Recently, a lot of issues had been cleaned up in his mind, and he realized
that he had been living an awful lie.  Fortunately, he had found his true
feelings before he had done something stupid.  Mousse laughed as he looked
down on Shampoo.  "My love is not for you.  I'm leaving, I'm going to seek
my true love."  Shampoo looked scared and nervous, as she tried to follow
Mousse out of the door.

    "Mousse, but I love you!  Please don't leave me!  I love you!"  Mousse
didn't respond for awhile.

    Mousse stopped, and adjusted his glasses in such a manner that it
glimmered with white light.  "Shampoo, I thought I loved you before, but I
was mistaken.  My love and my soul belong to someone else."  Mousse started
to walk away, and he was surprised with his mobility was reduce greatly.

    Looking down, he was surprised to find Shampoo attached to his leg.
Groaning in displeasure, Mousse shook his leg around, and after a few
minutes, managed to detach himself from Shampoo.

    Without even bothering to look back, he walked into the distance,
presumably to seek his lover.  Shampoo however was not one to quit.
Ripping off her apron (I wonder whether she was wearing anything
underneath...), she grabbed her bonbori and chased after Mousse, making
sure to be stealthy enough so she could learn the true identity of the evil
that had stolen Mousse's love away.

* * *

    Ranma nervously knocked on the door to her beloved's home, and she
waited impatiently, as each minute passed, she grew nervous.  Somehow,
hugging Ryoga made her feel more comfortable.  That's what she liked about
Ryoga, he was a rock solid dependable friend.

    The door was opened by Kodachi, who was wearing an apron.  "Hello!  How
may I help you?"

    Ranma breathed out in relief.  "I'm here to see your brother."

    "I'm sorry, he's in deep meditation right now.  He's asked not to be
disturbed.  But why don't you come in.  He might make an exception for you."

    Kodachi led Ranma through the maze of the Kuno Estate to the most inner
room, Tatewaki's bedroom.  Knocking on the door, Kodachi spoke through the
door.  "Brother dear, you have a visitor."  Kodachi opened the door, and
ushered Ranma in.  Ranma walked in, and she viewed Kuno with a new
perception.  Before, she strangely enough viewed him as a playboy, merely
out to have fun with women, but now, she knew better.  She knew that Kuno
was a man among men, although he did have an annoying habit to spout out
poetry and carry that pathetic wooden sword with him.

    "Um, hi, Tatewaki.  I've been thinking really hard, and I've decided I
really want to tell you something."  Tatewaki, surprisingly remain silent,
as he focused his attention onto Ranma.  Somehow, he seemed to emanate a
serenity and tranquillity that made it easier for Ranma to make her
confession.  "Tatewaki, I really love you."

    Ryoga squeaked in surprise, and he stared evilly at Kuno.  'How dare
that cad!  How dare he try to charm my Ranma away.  And how he tried to do
that to Akane as well!'  Ryoga started to squirm around in Ranma's arms.

    Tatewaki smiled with a peaceful aura that reduced Ranma to a pile of
quivering, lovesick mush.  "I'm great honored by your offer of love, but as
I have been recently thinking about my life, and I have lived in sin!  Nay,
prithee, please take this easily, for I must tell thee, my love is not for
you to take.  No, I have pledged my undying devotion to the gods, and I
have as of today swore to become the most pious and humble of all men, I
have taken an oath of celibacy!  I shall be a monk as soon as I complete my
schooling!"

    Somehow, Ranma managed to wade through all the verbiage Tatewaki had
spoken and she stumbled backwards, quite stunned.  She tried to steady
herself against the wall, and settled to the ground.  Her eager devotion to
this man who not more than two days ago had been bombarding her with
entreaties of love.  And now, he had decided to leave the business of love
and such as he vowed to become a monk.  Ryoga looked at Ranma, and seeing
the sad expression on her face, felt a frothing, churning anger fill his mind.

    Ryoga glared at Tatewaki, who had resumed his meditation.  'Vengeance
shall be mine.'  And he started to laugh insanely, which essentially came
out as a bunch of squeaks.

    Ranma, her shoulders slumped, her pigtail drooped, walked home,
obviously sad.  Ranma looked at Ryoga, and smiled.  "But I love him so
much.  Do you understand?  I mean, I will lay my life down for him, I will
swim across the ocean for him, I will travel to the farthest ends of the
earth, I will..."  As Ranma went ranting on and on, the little pig in her
hands started to look bored.

    "What will I do?  I know that no other man compares to my dear
Tatewaki, but I respect his decision and will not influence him.  But I
want to be loved..."  Ranma sighed as she entered the Tendo Dojo with the
little black pig in her arms.

* * *

    For some reason, Akane was waiting at the door, and she looked
expectantly at Ranma as she entered the house.  "Hey, Ranma, are you
feeling better?"

    Ranma grumbled.  "Well, no.  I mean Tatewaki basically dumped me.
Here's P-Chan."  Ranma handed Ryoga over to Akane.  And how a happy pig he
was, before only Akane actually bothered to pay attention to him, but now,
now he had two women in the house willing to dote him with extra special
attention.  He knew that he was going to be deliriously happy.

    Everyone facefaulted.  Akane gripped poor Ryoga a little bit too
tightly.  "What do you mean?  You should be happy that you got dumped.  I
mean Kuno's a complete jerk."

    Ranma flashed Akane a neutral stare.  "And why do you say that?  Maybe
you want him all to yourself.  But it's too late.  He's taken a vow of
celibacy."  Akane recoiled backwards.

    At that moment, there was a knock on the door.  Ranma stuck her tongue
out at Akane as she opened the door.  As soon as she pulled off the lock,
the door was smashed open, and Ranma was swept up in a bonecrushing hug.
"Akane, my love!"

    Ranma looked at Mousse rather angrily.  "How dare you touch me like I'm
your woman!"  Everyone looked away as Ranma started to pound Mousse into a
paste.  "The only man who can do that is my dear Tatewaki."  For a moment,
Ranma seemed extremely cheery, but her erratic emotions stabilized into
depression.

    Mousse struggled to his feet, and donned his glasses.  He stared at
Ranma for a moment, and then at Akane.  Without the slightest warning, he
slammed Ranma into the wall as he ran up to embrace Akane.  "Oh, Akane, how
long have I waited for this day!  I love you!"

    Akane started to grumble from within.  "Why don't you just go chase
Shampoo!!!"  She cocked her fist back, and sent Mousse flying through the
roof.

    Genma leaned over to whisper into Soun's ear.  "I do think Ranma and
his friends are acting rather strangely.  Shall we investigate into this
matter?"

    Before Soun could reply, the sound of wood breaking and another rapid
increase in insurance rates could be heard.  Immediately, Soun started to
wail and complain that "Everyone wants to break my beautiful home."

    In walked an angry purple haired Shampoo.  "Akane Tendo.  Before, you
steal Ranma from me.  Now, you steal Mousse.  I kill you!"  Shampoo
summoned her bonbori and prepared to strike.

[Insert appropriate ending theme.]


 ============================
Michael: Cut!  [Michael starts to get choked up and emotional.]  That was
such a beautiful take!  I'm going to keep it!

[Ranma looks very pissed, and tries to walk over to Michael.  But it's hard
to walk in platform shoes.  After a few trips, he grabs Michael and shakes
him around.]
Ranma: What the hell are you doing?  You've completely making me look like
some kind of perverted idiot!!!!

[A pair of hands grab Michael and start to shake him around.]
Ukyo: And where am I?  I only got a brief appearance!

[An umbrella lands on Michael's head.]
Ryoga: What are you doing?  You're beginning to make me look as bad as Kuno!

Kuno: Methinks, it is high time that we convince our esteemed director to
revise the script, quickly.

Andrew: Yeah, guys!  Go beat him up!  I was getting sick and tired of his
demented ideas already.

Eric: He didn't include Mikado!  Yeah, go beat some sense into him!

[Michael cringes in fear.]
Michael: Arrrgghhhhhh!

[However, fortunately, a distraction is provided, offering Michael a few
seconds of asylum.  Mousse is following Shampoo, tears of joy leaking from
his eyes.]
Mousse: Oh Shampoo, when we filmed, I felt so overjoyed as you finally
revealed your love for me.

[Shampoo turns around, and curtly grinds Mousse into the ground.]
Shampoo: Silly Mousse, Ranma is only man for Shampoo.

Mousse: But I mean, what about a few minutes ago in the dressing room...  I
was pretty sure...

[Shampoo blushes intensely.  Then she pounds Mousse into the ground, again.]
Shampoo: Shampoo not know what you talk about.

[Ranma shakes his head.]
Ranma: Well, Michael...  Wait a sec, where did that idiot go?!?

[Michael is seated within a chair, furiously writing changes into the script.]
Michael: Muhahahahahaha!  You think you could get me.  Of course not, as
the writer, I have complete control over your actions.  And for even
attempting to revolt against me, I'll put a few changes in the script.
Muhahahahahahahaah!

[Ranma bows before Michael, and speaks rather mechanically.]
Ranma: Michael... is... a... god.

[Andrew and Eric sigh and close the door to Studio 666 behind them.]
Eric: Andrew, why did you ever ask him to join our writing group?  He's
probably going to end up ruining our reputations.  And why does he act so
strangely?

Andrew: I don't know.  Maybe it's because he's a Yalie?

Eric: Will you two stop it with your rivalry?  Geesh...

Andrew: Oh yeah, I almost forgot, did you give him his usually caffeine
allotment?  He can't be productive without his caffeine fix...

Eric: Oh yeah, I forgot.  I'll go get the crate of Mega-Jolt.



Episode 2: More trouble.
=============================
[Back at the Studio 666, where Michael has a
new-completely-rewritten-and-polished-up- so-much-that-it's-gleaming
script.  Akane isn't that happy.]

Akane: Hey, Michael!  What do you mean that Ranma's not going to be in love
with me?!?  [Akane picks Michael up rather easily.]  You know it's in my
contract to have that hentai stuck with me no matter what!!!!

Michael: *choke* Hey, I was looking for a little variety.

Andrew: Eric, I bet $20 the tomboy will win.

Eric: Um, I bet $40, that you'll get killed soon.

[Akane gets really angry.]
Akane: Who said "TOMBOY!"  You!?  [Akane glares at Andrew.]

[Eric points to Andrew]
Eric: Yup, he said it.

[Andrew runs off.  Akane summons Dr. Anime's Supercomputer Guided
Mega-Hammer and throws it after Andrew.  A giant explosion rocks the entire
Studio.]

Akane: Well, am I going to get my customary lemon scene with Ranma?

Michael: Actually no.  I mean, this production is supposed to have a PG-17
rating.  That means no lemons and no excessive violence.

[Akane grabs Michael and starts shaking him around wildly]
Akane: I always get a lemon scene!  Ranma!  Tell him that we want a lemon
scene together.

[Ranma looks blank.  It seems as if he really doesn't want any lemon scene.]
Ranma: Michael... We want a lemon scene...  Well, you don't want it?.....
Sorry Akane, the director says no.

[Akane looks at Ranma with the Evil Eye.]
Akane: And I thought you said you enjoyed those scenes.

Ranma: Hey, I was acting!

Akane: BAKA!!!!!!!

[Michael gasps in relief as Akane focuses in on her new object of pain.
Michael coughs a bit as he prepares for extra special revenge.]
=============================

[Insert Standard Theme Song-.
Heh, this is a really dumb song
I don't know why you're still reading along
If you really had an awesome imagination
I'd have no doubt that you'd hear this song

Whatever, at least I tried to make the damn thing rhyme.
] 


    Akane cringed backwards in fear as she expected certain doom as Shampoo
propelled the giant metal weapon towards her head.  And before the weapon
could land on her skull with a sickening crunch, Shampoo was surprised to
find the bonbori suddenly yanked out of her hands.  "You will not harm
Akane Tendo."  Shampoo watched in anger as Mousse flung the bonbori through
the wall, sending poor Mr. Tendo into another crying spell.

    "I have endured you for too long!  Get out of my sight!"  Mousse
charged Shampoo, and for once, Shampoo was surprised when she found herself
furiously fighting for her life.  Shampoo decided after a minute, that it
was better to leave before Mousse kill her on the spot.

* * *

    Ranma sat depressed in school, somehow, everyone got a wind of Ranma's
personality change, and people tried to cheer him up.  Hiroshi leaned over
to talk to Ranma, as well as get a nice silhouette of Ranma's figure.  "Hey
Ranma, I feel sorry for you.  If there is anything I can do to help..."
Suddenly Hiroshi lost control, and he tried to grope Ranma, only to meet a
fist shoved into his forehead.  He fell on the ground.

    Later that day at lunch time, Ranma happened to wander about aimlessly
in the school yard, her heart filled with a yearning, a yearning so strong
that she could practically feel her heart pounding against her breast.
'Oh, why must Tatewaki be so difficult.  If I could find someone more
domineering than him, then perhaps I could be satisfied.'  Strangely
enough, Ranma seemed to be attracted to Kuno's penchant for being a
braggart as well as his ability to dominate over others.

    A small crowd of boys surrounded Ranma.  Practically simultaneously,
they shouted.  "Ranma, date with me!"  The boys sprung into battle.  The
problem with the boys at Furinken, was that they had been battered so many
times that love had become  associated with fighting.

    Ranma seriously fought back, but after a while, the endless onslaught
of boys soon took their toll.  Tired Ranma was about to give up, when out
of know where a voice could be heard.  "You imbeciles, how dare you prey on
the weak?"

    Ranma looked upwards, and she practically went into worship mode.
"Kuno!"  Practically immediately, Kuno started knocking boys senseless left
and right.  "Oh, Kuno.  You such a man..."  But Ranma amazing found that
her doting had no effect.

    "Ah, Kuno.  Just the person I wanted to see."  Ranma looked up in
surprise to see Nabiki.  Suavely, Nabiki stood in front of Kuno, with a
smug look of confidence on her face.  "So is it true from what I've heard,
you intend to become a monk?"

    Kuno let out a hearty laugh.  "Yes, of all the desires in the world, I
most desire to be a monk, and thus declare my celibacy!"  Nabiki eyed Kuno
critically as she had a plan to get rich quick.  

    "Well, Kuno, I managed to get some incriminating photographs from some
friends of mine, and they definitely show you acting in an improper
manner."  Nabiki took a picture out of her bag, and it showed Tatewaki
forcing himself onto Akane.  Kuno blanched.

    "Ah, a photograph of my unenlightened past!  Nabiki Tendo, you must
help me find these relics and destroy them!"  Nabiki smiled inwardly, as
she was glad to find out that she could still easily manipulate Kuno around
for her own purposes.

    "Perhaps, we can discuss this over a little food."  And to Ranma's
surprise, off Kuno went, like some happy puppy willing to follow its master
anywhere.  She was so confused, how Nabiki could easily pull around this
hunk of a man.  Obviously, Nabiki wasn't attracted to Kuno, otherwise she
would have grabbed him a long time ago.

* * *

    Unknown to everyone, Ranma was still suffering from residual effects of
the vile drug Kodachi crafted.  Fortunately, Ranma's body had developed a
tolerance to the drug, and the only effects that the drug were having on
Ranma were rather limited.

    After a day of school and shopping, Ranma finally reached home, and
upon walking in the door, she was greeted by a crying Genma as well as a
sobbing Soun.  Both men were just shaken when their plans to marry their
children, as well as take over the world, were ruined.  However, the two
men were not prepared for the next event.  Ranma practically leaped to the
table, and landed next to Nabiki.  She quickly grabbed Nabiki's hands.
"Hi, Sister Nabiki."

    Nabiki eyed Ranma weirdly and with some caution.  Ranma leaned over and
whispered into Nabiki's ear.  To everyone's surprise, Nabiki practically
leaped back, with a look of surprise.  Ranma started to pout.  "Sister
Nabiki, you don't want to play with me?"  Nabiki's eyes practically fell
out, and she ran as fast as she could.

    "Playing hard to get?  I can play that!"  Ranma took off after Nabiki
shouting, "Sister Nabiki, I love you!"

=============================
Ranma: Michael!  What are you doing?

Michael: I kind of like Alielle from El Hazard.  GET BACK TO WORK!

Ranma: Why should I do any of your scripts, if they make me look bad?

Michael: You call this bad...  Heh, heh, you haven't seen "bad" yet.  Now
start acting or I'll cut your pay check first to get the funds for this
production.

Ranma: *sigh*
=============================

    Genma and Soun stared blankly for a moment before collapsing

* * *

    Akane practically grumbled as she thought about the drastic changes in
Ranma.  With every step she took, her thoughts turned darker and darker.
Over and over in her mind she constantly relived Ranma's declaration of her
love for Kuno.  Of all people, Akane didn't know why Ranma had to like
Kuno.  But Akane did have to admit, Kuno appeared to be a lot more reserved
in school.

    Suddenly, a terrifying stench woke Akane from her thoughts, and she
found a mass of people quickly leaving Ucchan's.  Perplexed, Akane entered
the smoke filled restaurant just in time to see Ukyo raging away at the
griddle creating who knows what.  "Damn it!  How come I just can't make one
decent okonomiyaki?"  she screamed as she made yet another mistake.

    Akane walked over.  "Hey, Ukyo."

    Ukyo looked up, and immediately recoiled.  "Stay away!  Maybe your
inability to cook is beginning to rub off on me!  Argh!  What's wrong with
me?  I just can't cook!"  With a weak sob, Ukyo leaned against the wall and
slid to the floor.

    Some how, Akane felt her heart go out to Ukyo, because she too was
similar.  Ok, so maybe Akane never had the ability to cook, but suddenly
losing an ability was definitely more painful.  "Hey, Ukyo, cheer up.  Why
don't you just take a sabbatical from the restaurant?  I know that ever
since moving here, you haven't taken a day off."

    "Really?  Do you think it'll help my cooking?"  Akane nodded her head
firmly.

* * *

    Everyone watched with a certain amount of trepidation as Ranma rubbed
her cheek on Nabiki's shoulder during dinner time.  Sure, Ranma was having
a complete fun time, but Nabiki was at best really angry with Ranma's
unusual behavior.  "Ranma, get off right now," Nabiki growled as she tried
to push the red head away from her.  But despite Nabiki's obvious
displeasure, Ranma came right back, every time.

    Akane grumbled, and she gave Ranma a whack with her trusty old hammer.
Ranma started to cry, and she tried to squeeze her head into Nabiki's
chest.  Between, such artificial sobs, Ranma stammered.  "Sister Nabiki, my
head hurts."

    Nabiki grumbled, and pushed Ranma away.  However, Ranma needed her
attention, and she looked around the room.  Her eyes immediately skipped to
another woman.  "Ukyo, make my bruise go away."  Ranma jumped over the
table, and landed on Ukyo, who struggled, and her legs were kicking wildly
in the air as Ranma giggled non-stop.

    "Ranma!  Get off of her!"  Akane stood up, a slight bluish battle aura
could been seen, as she prepared her most devastating attack on Ranma.
Surprisingly, Ranma didn't notice a thing at all as she cuddled Ukyo.
Akane with a scream plowed her fist into Ranma's face and sent her flying
into the door.  Ranma settled to the ground with barely a whimper.
Sniffling, Ranma ran away in tears.

    Nabiki just had to make a comment.  "Great Akane, now you made him cry.
 I knew that you'd always make Ranma flip."

    "What's that supposed to mean!"  Akane roared as Mr. Tendo restrained
her from beating Nabiki.  "You think I like Ranma when he thinks he's a
lesbian?"

    The door slid open, and in came Happosai, as old as ever.  He mumbled
constantly as he slowly made his way from the door to the table.  Each step
he took seemed like the last on he'd ever make.  Everyone watched him with
a certain amount of trepidation.  Happosai settled himself down before the
table, groaning in somewhat agony as he forced his ancient knees to bend.

    "Ah, such a nice meal," Happosai wheezed for a moment.  "I certainly
reminds me of the good old days when I was married."  Soun and Genma
fainted over, as their master, along with Ranma and other people had
certainly changed.

    Happosai slowly chewed his food with a patience that not even the
previous Happosai had.  But amazingly enough, he finished first.  Perhaps
it was the fact that everyone was watching him eat.  "Ah, such a perfect
taste.  I think I'll go and watch some television."  Happosai slowly go up,
and made his way, somewhat existing on a precarious balance between a
vegetable and a barely mobile human.

    Soun watched the old master as he staggered out of the room.  "It must
be old age, Saotome.  It knocked the fight right out of him.  Poor master."
 Both men were silent for a moment, and in an instant they broke out into
cheers.

    "Well, Tendo, shall we give the master our regards?  I do believe we
owe him some payback for the excellent way he has treated us in the past."
With evil grins on their face, both men followed Happosai into the other room.

     The sounds of two men beating on a poor defenseless old man could be
heard, but after a few seconds, a new sound could be heard, that of two men
being solidly beaten.  Everyone rushed into the next room, just in time to
see Ranma looking at Happosai.  "Is Grandfather Happosai alright?  Those
mean, nasty, dishonorable men will not bother you anymore."  Everyone
looked at the other end of the room, to see Genma and Mr. Tendo pounded
resolutely into the wall.

* * *

    "Nabiki, what's wrong with Ranma?  Not only Ranma.  What's wrong with
everyone else?"  Akane was walking to school with Nabiki.  Even Nabiki had
to admit that it was a very, very odd indeed.  Ranma in love with Nabiki,
Ukyo Can't Cook, Kuno swearing celibacy.  It all just didn't add up.

    "Hi Akane!  MY love!"  Nabiki looked up just in time to have her
brushed aside by Ryoga Hibiki.  "I just woke up 10 minutes ago, and I came
to seek for my true object of affections."  Ryoga swept up Akane into his
arms only to find thin air, as Akane wasn't really interested in a hug from
Ryoga.  Besides, he probably could crush her ribs.

    "Sorry, Ryoga.  I'm sort of busy now."  Ryoga sighed, and standing in
the middle of the sidewalk, he was run over by a very eager, and wet red head.

    "Sister Nabiki!"  At the sound of that voice, Nabiki groaned, looked
the floor, and shuddered in fear.  "Sister Nabiki!  Why did you leave
without your Ranma-chan?"  With a giant leap, Ranma tried to land in
Nabiki's arms, but instead, halfway there, a fist forced her to dodge.

    Akane growled at Ranma.  "Ranma, what the hell do you think you're
doing!  This is public, and you look like a girl."

    Ranma made a statuesque pose that served to show off her cleavage, and
stated  "I am a woman."

   Finally Ryoga managed to pull his face out of the ground, and his eyes
immediately landed on his other true love, Ranma.  "Oh, Ranma, how it
pleases me to see you!  Let me hold you in my arms!"  Ryoga launched
himself at Ranma, and hugged her, successfully.  He begins to amorously
kiss Ranma, who seems really not interested in Ryoga's charm.  Akane and
Nabiki both fainted.

* * *

    "Ok class, you naughty, naughty boys and girls must not be bad while
I'm gone.  I'm going to go collect flowers outside."  A young Miss Hinako
skipped out the door, and as soon as she disappeared, Ranma's desk was
swamped with love sick men.

    Hiroshi kneeled before Ranma, and bowed excessively.  "Oh my goddess,
please say yes to a date with me!"  Daisuke looked down with repugnance.

    "Hiroshi, you think that's going to get you a date?  Geesh, watch and
learn from a real master."  Diasuke sprayed some Binoca into his mouth, and
approached Ranma with a sort of over confidence that made the entire
situation look rather lame.

    Daisuke stopped two feet away from Ranma, when Ranma looked upwards.
Doing so not only brought Daisuke into 100% of Ranma's attention, it also
gave Daisuke more than an eyeful.  Pretty soon, the sweet words that he had
been planning to say were lost like dust in a middle of a typhoon.

    His hands twitching as if they were feeling something, Daisuke lost all
control.  "Ranma!  I love you!"  Immediately, he leaped forward, his hand
ready to caress as much soft, womanly flesh as possible.  But he never
succeeded, as the rest of the male population in the class jumped onto
Daisuke and started to brawl.

    There was a childish gasp, and the sound of stuff scattered onto the
group.  "Delinquents, please stop fighting!  Please stop.  Fighting isn't
the way to solve problems."

    Her pleas didn't work.  Miss Hinako sighed.  "So much for the stress
reduction support group."  Miss Hinako reached into her pocket, and brought
forth a 5 yen coin.  "Happo 5-yen siatsu!"  With a great big flash of
special effects, smoke, and what not, all of the boys in class were reduced
to a pile of shriveled shells of their former glory.

    Ranma's eyes widened substantially.

    Later after class, Ranma approached Miss Hinako.  "Um, Miss Hinako, I
was wondering whether I could have some extra help.  I'm having a little
trouble in English lessons."  Miss Hinako practically laughed out
hysterically.

    "A little trouble?  Saotome, you're getting a D- in English."  Ranma
started to turn even more mushy.  Sure Ranma loved Nabiki, but she just got
turned on by authoritative people.  "You're going to have to do a lot of
extra credit to make that up.  And you'd better, I don't want to have to
flunk you."

    Ranma walked slowly towards Miss Hinako.  "Extra credit?  I think I can
do something."

    An extremely exasperated Miss Hinako marched angrily out of Furinken
High School, followed by Ranma, who was almost half naked.  "Sister Hinako!
 Please stop!  Your Ranma is sorry!"

    Miss Hinako looked back furiously.  "Stop it, delinquent.  I'm going to
have a talk with your parents!"

    "But Miss Hinako, I love you!"  Ranma started to pout.  "Don't be so
mean!"

    "Stop it Ranma!  You're an even worse delinquent!"  Miss Hinako looked
at Ranma rather critically.

    Ranma sighed in content and hugged Miss Hinako.  "Oh, you're so sexy
when you sound like that."  Hearing that, Miss Hinako ran off before the
situation could get any worse.

[Ending Theme]

Scenes from our next show!
Next time, "A Time to Thrill" 
Is Mrs. Tendo really dead?  How will Mrs. Saotome react?  Will Ranma get
her wish?  Will Ryoga get his two women?  Will Ukyo ever cook again?

Find out next time!


=============================
Michael: CUT! Well, I think that's good enough.  Besides, the funding for
the Mega-Jolt Cola went out, so I can't be creative here.

Ranma: Well it's about time.

Ryoga: (smirking)  Well Ranma, why don't you leave Akane to me.  I mean,
you make a great woman.

Ranma: IS that SO PIGBREATH!

Ryoga: [looking nervous as he tries to think up of an excuse.] Well, yeah,
it's true.  You've got bigger breasts!

Ranma: [turning to Akane.]  See, even Ryoga agrees. [Akane's not there.
The sound of breaking floors could be heard behind, and Ranma turns around
to find Ryoga plastered into the floor.]

Ranma: Ok, where's our pay?  This production sure was an embarrassment.
I'm sort of glad this completely over.

Michael: [looks flushed.]  Err...  Oh yeah, your paycheck.

Ranma: [suspicious]  You're not trying to tell me something.  I worked my
ass off in this production, and I don't feel very happy right now.  So,
you'd better tell me something to make my day worth the trouble.

Michael: Mommie!

[Andrew and Eric are standing outside, both are guzzling Mega-Jolt]
Andrew: I just can't understand why he would put so much dependence on
caffeine.  His addiction always gets him into trouble.

Eric: Yeah.  Compulsive behavior's really bad. [Eric downs a 2 L in a gulp.]

Andrew: Sure it is.

Eric: Do you think he'll continue this production?

[Andrew listens to the sounds of a giant beating coming from within Studio
666.]
Andrew: Not a chance.

Eric: Say, why aren't you doing your Scottish bit?

Andrew: Still getting over this cold. The congestion reeeeeally kills it
sometimes.

Soap on a Rope
==============
Writer/Source of Evil: Michael H. Chen
The God of Grammar and the Saint of Style: Eric Jones
The Scotsman: Andrew Huang

This short fic has been a spoof by The Sound and the Furry Productions.  
Visit our website! http://confused.student.harvard.edu/~furry  
Email us! furry@confused.student.harvard.edu

This story is the intellectual property of Michael Chen and The Sound and
the Furry Productions.  On the other hand, let's leave out "intellectual."





The	Productions-----starring	Not responsible for any brain
Sound	Furry		Andrew Huang	Meredith Laver		damage
and-----the		Eric Jones------Mike Chen		incurred
http://confused.student.harvard.edu/~furry/