There is a theory that states that life is a series of complications, and if
one is ever solved, it will only be replaced with situations and problems of an
even more bizzare nature.
Take, for example, the case of a certain Arthur Dent. Before, he only
had to worry about his home planet being blown up, and summarily being
chased down for elimination. Once that had almost worked, he was
instantly whisked off into a new situation, wherin he is defending
himself against the supreme martial artist of the planet with
a sandwich. At the very least, he could take heart in the fact that he was
succeeding. For now.
There is another theory which states that old problems never die, they just
skulk away so they can take the time to become worse problems, but that's
another story...
---
The Sound and the Furry Productions presents:
The HitchHiker's Guide to Reality
part 3 - Fiances, aliens, and other things you don't want to know about
---
Ford Prefect whistled to himself cheerfully. He was home finally, in the place
he belonged after so long. He swooped among the clouds, attempting a few loops
and rolls. it was taking a while getting used to this flying thing. Though of
course, he'd always been able to do it. Or at least, that was the 'logic'
behind it.
Touching down on ground, Ford examined the part of Tomobiki he was currently
in. Yes, this was home - he just had to figure out what he was supposed to be
doing...
He rounded a corner, and looked out over a building he'd never seen before, but
had been going to for the last few weeks, if memory served correctly.. It was
a fairly typical school. Well, typical aside from the spaceship floating above
it, the high-pitched sreams of "HENTAI!!", and an awful lot of seemingly random
electrical discharges.
Undaunted, Ford entered the school, noting it's name as Tomobiki High.
---
Ranma lashed out with another hundred punches, throwing in a few kicks to
aleviate the boredom. This was embarassing - here he was, 'Mr. Martial Arts',
and some clown weilding a sandwich was keeping him at bay.
But that wasn't so bad; Ranma had met a few impressive martial artists before,
and they usually had -something- vaguely ridiculous about them.. No, it wasn't
so much that he was being thwarted by the sandwiches, it was the fact that
their scent was starting to make him hungry.
Meanwhile, Arthur had far fewer things on his mind. Mostly it was 'I guess I
really will die now', intersperced with a few 'how the hell did I do that?'.
Arthur was going sheerly on instinct. A pity he had no idea where they had
come from.
He leapt over a paticularly crippling kick that should have hit his chest,
pulling a mustard bottle from... Somewhere, and squirtied it's contents
into Ranma's face. Arthur landed, and felt something build up in him.
He noticed from a strangely distached view that he was beginning to glow...
Suddenly, he let out a cry of 'big loaf drop!', and watched in amazement as he
leapt above Ranma, a gigantic slice of bread forming in front of him. Moments
later, Arthur and the bread connected with Ranma, and then the floor. It was
hard to tell who was more suprised by this
---
Ford scanned the area curiously, trying to remember why exactly he was here.
Something to do with fellow aliens, wasn't it? If only he'd actually been here
before, he might be able to recall these things. But then, the universe works
in strange ways; an explanation was probably right around the corner...
Predictably enough, his answer was around the corner, although there was
something else between them - a boy with a crazed expression on his face.
Naturally, Ford met with this first, forcefully.
Clearing his head, he sat up, only to hear a cry of something sounding like
"Darling is an idiot!!!" Before being bombarded with far too much
electricity to be at all healthy.
Ford prepared himself for unconsciousness. In fact, he'd already whipped
out his towel to collapse on. But the collapse never came. He raised his
hands, examining himself. Yes, he was electrically singed. The blackened
clothes were a good indication of that. But otherwise, things seemed to be
normal.
Well, normal except for the bikini-clad girl floating in front of him...
She gasped upon noticing him, bowing excessively. "Oh, sensei! I'm
so sorry!"
Ford couldn't help but pull an Arthur. "Excuse me? What?"
---
Meanwhile, Arthur was beginning to be accustomed to pulling rather
non-Arthur things off. Thanfully, that boy hadn't moved since that last...
Whatever it was that he did.. Good lord it was a terrible
time cleaning that up.
But at least that pleasant Kasumi girl had been there to help. Such a nice,
sweet girl. Her father, however, was another matter.
"WAHHH! Please don't take my daughter! She's so precious to me!!"
Arthur still wasn't exactly sure what he was talking about. All he'd done
was try to make a sandwich...
Regardless, Soun continued to blubber, while the panda began to pull a
dazed Ranma from underneath the gigantic sandwich. Unable to move the
sandwich, it had resorted to eating it's way towards the defeated martial
artist.
As Arthur observed, he felt this strong urge to leave. Leaving would be a
good thing to do, before matters got even worse...
They did.
Finally, Soun had gotten his crying under control, and he approached Arthur
resentfully. He let out a sigh, and GLOMed onto him, hard.
"Welcome to the family.... Son.."
---
Meanwhile, Ford was getting himself accustomed to his own situation.
Somehow, the blackened clothing had already repaired itself, and back to
it's original condition. Which wasn't all that much of an improvment, mind
you.
Meanwhile, the floating green-haired girl had hovered to his side, spewing
out a slew of apologies.
"You must be my sensei that father told me about! Oh, I'm so sorry.."
Ford blinked. Teacher? Surely he never had a degree. He would have
remembered something like that.. "Teacher of...?"
"Earth culture, ne? Daddy said it would be good to learn lessons about how
Earthlings act from someone who's been here for a while... You -are- the
man who worked on the Guide, aren't you? Who wrote the entry on Earth?"
Ford nodded. There was little else he could think of doing. A tiny part of
his mind tapped at his consciousness, asking how and when the HitchHiker's
Guide ever became a part of a Human manga artist story line, considering the
race was completely ahniliated roughly three minutes after their first alien
contact, but he chose to ignore it. For now. Another thought tugged at him,
and this one he paid attention to.
"And how much am I being paid?"
The girl blinked. "Paid? I thought daddy just agreed to transporting you
off the planet after a month..."
Suddenly, Ford found himself falling to the ground, his arms raised and his
hands splayed out in some weird fashion.
"I.. See."
---
"I beg your pardon?" cried Arthur, prying himself away from the now-bawling
(again) man, "What do you mean, 'son'?"
Soun seemed to be trying hard to contain himself, and failing.. You have
defeated Ranma... Akane is yours to marry."
"Eh? Who's Akane?"
Had Arthur been with Ford, he would have recognized the position everyone in
the room assumed. As it was, he blinked a few times curiously. Half at the
sight in front of him, and half at the noise his blinks were making.
People stood up quickly, Soun grabbing his youngest daughter, and pulling
her up in front of Arthur. "This is Akane, my youngest daughter...
WAAHH!!! Treat her well, my son!"
Arthur noticed a rather distinguished tick in Akane's left eye, and a large
portion of menace on her part as well. He took a step back. "Her? Don't
you think she's a little young to be married?"
Soun stopped crying, Nabiki's jaw dropped, and for once in her life, Kasumi
fell over, hands in the air. Soun took a curious look at Arthur. "You...
Don't want to marry Akane?"
"I only just met her! Why would I.."
Arthur was suddenly faced with Soun's face, twenty times larger than normal,
and looking rather... Demonic.
"ARE YOU SAYING MY DAUGHTER ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH?!"
Arthur felt a bead of sweat forming, and staying, on his head. This was a
decidably bad situation..
"Err, no, not at all.. Just.. Young..?"
Soun reverted to his normal self, looking somewhat pleased. "Well, that's
easily arranged.." Soun pulled out a pair of sun fans, as a mountain
sprouted out of nowhere, "You'll be married in two years then!!"
Arthur's jaw dropped. Now they wanted him to marry her?
---
Had Arthur still had the Guide to Reality with him, it might have
enlightened him on his situation. It is summed up on the guide as 'the law
of martial arts relativity'.
Essentially, any martial artist who beats Ranma in a battle, must continue
to give Ranma a reason to fight him, so that Ranma as an excuse to learn a
new battle technique, being able to beat said martial artist, and go on to
be beaten by an even more powerful martial artist. Temporarily.
It was at work once again in Arthur's case. Lucky him.
---
Genma shook his son, splashed him with water, even slapped him a couple of
times. Nothing seemed to be working. Inspriation hit him. "Ranma,
dinner's ready!"
Ranma was up in an instant. Disoriented, but up. "Huh? Pop? What
happened?"
"Something of grave importance to our family name, son..." Genma stood up,
picking up a backpack that was beside him. "Follow me son, we must go."
"Huh? Go where?"
"We must train."
---
Meanwhile, Ford had moved himself to an appropriate location, as in, off the
ground. He dusted himself off, eying his surroundings more carefully. Not
only was there a floating (presumably alien) girl there, there was also an
extraordinarily ugly boy cowering behind him, being sure to constantly keep
Ford between him and the alien girl. Off in the distance, a boy in a white
tuxedo and carrying a sword was eyeing him suspiciously.
Introductions were definately in order, if only so he could looked like he
knew what was going on. He flashed his most diplomatic smile, and reached
out a hand to the girl.
"The name's Ford Prefect. And you are..?"
"I'm Lum!" the girl beamed as she said this, and then pointed lazily behind
Ford, "That.. Idiot behind you is my dahling, Ataru!"
Ford looked between Ataru and Lum, clearly amused. The constant of marriage
must be at work in this case...*
"Lucky you, pal." he whispered, ribbing Ataru.
"That's easy for you to say!"
*ZAP* And suddenly the Ataru boy was instant charcoal. Ford blinked,
making a mental note to be very sure to tread carefully around this girl..
His student. For a month. He sighed. If this wasn't going to be
painful, it would probably most certainly be filled with danger..
He was starting to like it already.
---
* That is, the law of the Takahashi Reality which states that opposites do
indeed attract.. Eventually. And that they attract as young as possible.
---
end part 3
---
EPILOGUE:
Ford whistled a little tune, putting a jaunt into his step. A full day of
'teaching' had gone by, and most of it had been lessons in ettiquite..
Which mostly translated into when it was and wasn't a good time to
electrocute people. It wasn't going very well.
But the day of teaching was over, and now Ford had another adventure to
experience - finding a place to stay. At random, Ford had chosen a place
called 'Maison Ikkoku', which had sounded like a nice enough place. That
and it was all inevitable anyways.
What was equally inevitable, was his reaction when he saw who his roommate
was going to be.
"Ford, cuz! Howzit going? Me and Marvin here were wondering if we'd come
across you.."
Somehow, Ford just knew this did not bode well....
---
The HitchHiker's Guide to Reality
part 3: Fiances, aliens, and other things you don't want to know about
written by: Eric Jones
with thanks to: Rumiko Takahashi
Douglas Adams
with apologies to: Rumiko Takahashi
Douglas Adams
The Productions-----starring Not responsible for any brain
Sound Furry Andrew Huang Meredith Laver damage
and-----the Eric Jones------Mike Chen incurred
http://confused.student.harvard.edu/~furry/