J_kun@lni.net In the not too far-off future---Tokyo, Japan, A.D. there was a guy named Josh, fairly indifferent to you and me, he worked for Kitty Enterprise with a couple of really un-nice guys, they did not like the manga he makes, so they strapped him in a Valkyrie and shot him into space! BAAAAAAKKKKAAAAAAA! Now they're netting him bad Fanfics, (Woo hoo) the worst of all kinds, (la la la) And he's got to read each one carefully just to slowly pass the time, (la la la) Now don't forget that Josh can't choose when the story begins or ends, (la la la) because he had to buy two one-way tickets to invite his anime friends! ANIME ROLLCALL!!! (Let's go!) Nene! (Kawaii!) Kasuga! (Psychic Dude!) Are you sick yet? (You bet!) Oooooohhhh! If you're wondering how they can stand this stuff, in that tiny little space, (la la la) just remind yourself, "It's just a 'fic", now shut up and keep your place! For BAD ANIME FANFIC THEATER 3000! (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, K) (Josh & the Animes are talking in the Cellulite of Load) Nene> Hey Josh! Why'd you invite us all the way up to this heap?! Kyosuke> Not very pretty indeed. Josh> Is it just me or does this seem like a bad fanfic starting already? Nene> Fan---Fic?! Josh> Yup! I've been shot up here by some of my lousy CO-workers and I'm being forced to read lousy anime fan fiction on the big screen in the reading room...So I spent all the money I had to buy tickets for you guys so that you could suffer with me. Nene> You dork! Kyosuke> My psychic powers tell me you're about to be kneed in the groin. Nene> How amazing Kyosuke! I was predicting the same thing! Josh> Hold on there! The lousy way you direct traffic, how do you think you could possibly direct your knee to my groin? Kyosuke> A definite kneeing is about to progress. Ouch! That's gotta' hurt! Josh> (High squeaky voice) OW! (A light flashes) Nene> What's that light supposed to mean? Josh> It's my Ex-CO-Workers on the comm. Kyosuke> Punch it up Nene. (She punches Josh and then realizes, "oh, you mean the Screen. OK!") (Creep 13) (The MANGA-MADS show up on the screen. One bears a terrible resemblance to Carl Macek. The other, looks like TV's Frank, but with more bad white hair.) EVIL CARL (Question: how can Macek get anymore evil?)> Hello booby! I see you've taken the time to invite your little friends along! TV's FRANK2> After inviting them, I don't think they're his friends anymore. EVIL CARL> Wouldn't blame 'em booby! Not a smart relationship move. (C.O.L.) Nene> Hey! We don't belong here! Kyosuke> I seriously doubt if it's worth the trouble to keep us here so why don't you be a GOOD, evil Manga Artist and send a shuttle up for us? (Creep 13) EVIL CARL> Ba ha ha hah hhahaha! Aren't they cute when they're naive Frank? TV's FRANK2> Ha ha ha! Sure are Doctor M! EVIL CARL> HAh haa haa! Ok fan-boy, get ready to sink your mandibles into this little herd of braindead FanFic. It's called, "MY NEIGHBOR TOTORO GOES TO KANSAS! (C.O.L.) ALL> AHHHHHHHHHHHH! (Creep 13) EVIL CARL> HA ha ha! Just kidding! I'm Sooooo Evil!! Actually, this little piece of horror comes from the seedy side of the NET full of the slightly off-beat FanFics. It's called, "RUMICTREK: THE NEXT GENERATION." Get ready to hurl, Animes! (C.O.L.) Nene & Kyosuke> We'll get you for this Josh... (An alarm sounds off) Josh> Reading sign! Get ready guys, we're going into the.... Reading room!! Nene> Ahhhh!! Kyosuke> Eeeeee!! (K, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1) ------------------------------------------------------ >hassanja@dekalb.DC.PeachNet.EDU (jamal hassan) > >Any comments, criticisms, etc. can be emailed to: Josh> I'll bet he's sorry he put that there... > tdhsu@music.cc.uga.edu (Ted "Ryouga" Hsu) > > >If you really want Ted to get the info fast Nene> And I can't imagine why you would... >(or at least a synopsis of your message) email me at: > > hassanja@dekalb.dc.peachnet.edu (Jamal "Anime^2"Hassan) > >Now, onto the story... Kyosuke> I think this is where the hurling part is supposed to begin. Heh heh. --------------------------------------------------------------- >(The Galaxy Class Starship USS Rumicprise, NCC-1994-A.) Josh> These are the pointless sequences of the Spaceship FanFic-Prize. >(Lt. Ukyou Kuonji is hosting a little poker game in her >quarters. Josh> "Liquor up the front, Poker in the rear." Nene> (Hits Josh) Hentai! >Her companions this game are Commander Akane Tendo, Lt. Ryouga >Hibiki, and Dr. Tofu Ono.) > >UKYOU: (shuffles cards) The game is five-card stud. Nene> Ok, where's the studs?! Kyosuke> Right here! Right here! Nene> In your dreams. Kyosuke> Hey! >First card down, nothing wild. Highcard leads betting. Josh> I thought compulsive behavior lead to betting. Kyosuke> I'm 'betting' this is going to really suck. Nene> Well, maybe we should give them the benefit of the doubt. >(There is a communicator beep and all check. It's Ryouga's.) Josh> This is the future and they still use pagers. That shows you how far technology has come, folks. >RYOUGA: (sheepish) Josh> Would someone like the honors? Nene> Sure!....Baa-baa!! > That's mine. (taps communicator) Josh> Hey, you awake?! >Hibiki here. > >RANMA VOICE: This is Captain Saotome. Meet me at Transporter Room 3 Kyosuke> for drinks and free donuts. >We'll be receiving another starship Captain in a few minutes. Nene> What? Barely a page into the story and already they're replacing the captain! >It's urgent...trust me on this. Josh> "Truth? You can't handle the truth!" >Saotome out. Nene> A) On bail. Josh> B) Of here. Kyosuke> C) Of his mind. >RYOUGA: Understood. Hibiki out. Josh> Why is he still talking? Didn't Saotome say "out"? >(Ryouga pushes in his seat as he gets up) Nene> Wouldn't want to forget that descriptive little sentence, now would we? >Got to run..Ranma calls. It's important..got to be to break up >the poker game now. Kyosuke> The way this guy fragments his sentences I'd say he could be the next candidate for the Captain Kirk "impersonation" contest... >AKANE: I'll come with you. > >UKYOU: (disgusted) If you two are leaving, I may as well get >some sleep. Nene> (disgusted) If you two are reading this, I may as well jump ship. J & K> Wait! Take us with you! >TOFU: That maybe good, Ukyou. You've been somewhat edgy >lately. Josh> Ukyou edgy? Naah! >(Akane and Ryouga leave, and they meet Ranma in the >Transporter Room.) > >RYOUGA: What's this all about? Kyosuke> Oh, about 100 m in diameter... J & N> Groan... >RANMA: All Starfleet said is that is was VERY important. > >AKANE: How VERY important? Josh> a) Very, very, very, important Nene> b) So important we put a mint on the pillows Kyosuke> c) So important...I forget >RANMA: When another starship Captain comes, it is so >important that further briefing is needed. Rule of mission #34. >RYOUGA: I hate it when I can't get a straight answer. Kyosuke> Akane: "I hate it when someone asks me if I'm straight." Josh> Goodnight everybody! Nene> I assume you're talking about your cousin, ne? >RANMA: So do I, but we got to play along. >(Suddenly the Transporter pad flashes and in a shimmer of >light, a figure materializes. He is wearing a Captain's >uniform, but looks at Ryouga in shock. Ryouga looks at him, >returning the shock. Josh> What, did they stick their hands in electrical sockets or something? >Akane and Ranma are shocked Kyosuke> (bad Jewish impersonation) Again with the shocks! Nene> I'm 'shocked' that we're reading this. >as they notice that the Captain looks like Ryouga..or is it >the other way around?) Kyosuke> I knew those clone experiments would go wrong. Jeff Goldblum> This proves my Chaos Theory. Kyosuke> WHO was THAT? Nene> Will Ryouga find out who this impostor is? Will the crew get a straight answer? Will Margo ever fall in love with Sam? Stay Tuned... >(Opening notes of title theme as planets glide by Rumicprise) > >RANMA VO: Space..the final frontier. These are the voyages of >the starship RUMICPRISE. Its mission: Kyosuke> To bore the poor reader out of his mind.. Josh> To constantly throw plot holes in the way... Nene> To make the world see what a bad fanfic can do to you... Josh> And to brainwash where no other cult has before... >to explore new worlds..to seek out >new life, and new civilizations..to boldly go where no man..no >woman...no ONE has gone before! Nene> Strike another point for women's lib! Josh> Can WE be one of the 'NO ONES'? >(Title theme as Rumicprise hits warp speed) Kyosuke> Title theme as Kyosuke hits warp speed out of the room. Josh> (Grabs K's shirt) Get back here. >RUMICTREK: THE NEXT GENERATION > >Starring David Bateson as Captain Ranma Saotome >Also Starring Carmen Spray as Commander Akane Tendo >Jeremy Weiss as Dr. Tofu Ono >James Robertson as Lt. Commander Mousse >Ai-Cheng as Lt. Commander Akemi Doi Josh> Dom Delouise as Harry Mudd Kyosuke> That's the original ST. Josh> Oh, yeah. >Theresa Martin as Counselor Kasumi Tendo >Evelyn Cheng as Lt. Ukyou Kuonji >Jessica Spier as Lt. Shampoo Nyuchezzu >Ted Hsu as Lt. Ryouga Hibiki > >Based on characters and situations created and suggested by >Rumiko Takahashi, Gene Roddenbery, and Jeff Yang. Josh> Now, I recognize the first two, but WHO is this Yang fellow? Kyosuke> I hear he was the original inspiration for Dr. Tofu. J & N> Oh. (double take) Huh? >Concept Designed by Theodore Hsu and Howard Chan >Executive Producers T.D. Hsu and H.Y. Chan > >(see end list for guest stars) Nene> Disclaimer: List may include names of hack actors. Josh> Like Shatner? Kyosuke> Ouch... >(The Captain and Ryouga are still staring as Ranma goes to >them.) Josh> It's not polite to stare. Nene> If so, why does Kyosuke constantly stand in front of the mirror? Kyosuke> I'll ignore that. Josh> "Actress in the Mirror?" Hehe... >RANMA: I hate to sound frank, but can you introduce >yourself, please? Kyosuke> Admiral Oscar Meyer, 1st class wiener! Hahahaha! (frank, get it?) J & N> Groooaaaannn... >CAPTAIN: I'm sorry. (recovers) Kyosuke> Sorry? We're all sorry here pal! Josh> Recovers? He must have been in AA. >I'm Captain Theodore P. Hsu, Nene> Isn't that the name of one of the authors? Josh> No, that's TED P. HSU. Totally different. Nene> Oh, right. >commanding officer of the USS Augustus R. Johnson. > >RANMA: Captain Ranma Saotome, commanding officer of the USS >Rumicprise. This is my first officer, Commander Akane Tendo (points >to Akane) Josh> It's not polite to point, either. >and my Security Chief, Lieutenant Ryouga Hibiki (points to Ryouga). Kyosuke> Boy, a lot of rude people on the Rumicprise! >HSU: (thinks a bit) Your Security Chief may help Starfleet >in a mission...can we go to your Ready Room? Nene> I don't know? Can you? Josh> Do you think you're REALLY 'Ready'? Kyosuke> In the future, bad etiquette knows no bounds... >(Rumicprise Ready Room. Both Captains are seated, as are >Akane, Ryouga, and Ukyou, who has just entered.) > >HSU: So you see, Captain Saotome, the Maquis have been getting >good officers to join them lately, the latest of these being my >former loyal Security Chief, Lt. Alicia Coolidge. I didn't know >until too late that she was a Maquis Sympathizer. Before she >left, she took a datadisc, Kyosuke> "...and my collectible figurines!" >with the record of YOUR Security Chief, Lieutenant Hibiki. Josh> I love the way that guy emphasized "YOUR". Like who else's Security chief is he? >RANMA: And you believe Lieutenant Hibiki can infiltrate them. > >HSU: Yes, I can. His record shows he has participated in >many anti-Cardassian actions before and during his Starfleet >commission, the first being the breakout at Kaldoran. This will >help draw out the Maquis. Any officer with his background would >fit in with them. Josh> What did he mean by "his background?" Should Ryouga be insulted by that last sentence? >RYOUGA: (hesitant) Why should I help you? It seems that >when the Maquis sign up an officer, they will absorb him with no >problem. Cal Hudson and Ro Lauren are two prime examples of that. > >HSU: The Maquis will stop at nothing to end the calm between >Cardassia and the Federation. Even when splinter groups of both play >dirty, the Maquis must not succeed or there will be war between the >Federation and Cardassia! I've seen enough action in Starfleet to >know I don't want a repeat of history. After Kaldoran, Lt. Hibiki, >I'm sure you don't want it either. > >RYOUGA: (concerned) You have a point. When do I leave? Kyosuke> (concerned) This story has NO point. When do WE leave? >HSU: As soon as you select a partner for this mission. Nene> Eenie, meenie, miney, moe. Catch a plot device by the toe. If it bombs, let it go. Eenie, meenie, miney, moe. >AKANE: (puzzled) You seem scared, Ryouga...what is Kaldoran? Josh> (kiddy voice) Daddy, what's Vietnam? Kyosuke> (same) What's dysfunctional? Nene> (same) What does low-budget production feature mean? >RYOUGA: (sadly) Kaldoran was a Cardassian prison I found myself >in when we first came here, long ago.. I nearly didn't make it >out of thereafter arranging an escape for Federation POWs. Kyosuke> (sadly) RumikTrek was a lame FanFic I found myself reading after I landed on this scrap heap. I don't think I WILL make it out of here. >AKANE: (interested) Why? Nene> (uninterested) Why? >RYOUGA: The Cardassians had a more powerful Transporter..and >an unknown power flux through the escape ship enabled my fellow >prisoners to beam me aboard, letting us escape. (Looks to Ukyou) Lt. >Kuonji? > >UKYOU: Yes, Lieutenant Hibiki? Josh> I guess nobody here is on a first-name basis, right First Office Romanova? Nene> Correct analysis Captain Seames. What do you think Ensign Kasuga? Kyosuke> How come Nene gets to be First Officer? >RYOUGA: Like to join me on a hunting trip? > >UKYOU: What are you looking to bag? Nene> a) Snipes. Kyosuke> b) Space deer. Josh> c)The guy who wrote this. Kyosuke> C! C! >RYOUGA: Some Maquis now in season. > >(A Cardassian Battlecruiser on whose outside is painted the >word, in both Japanese and English, "IKAZUCHI." Josh> I love generic Japanese ship names. Kyosuke> Ooh! Ooh! Howza bout' the YAMATO? Nene> Nah. It's been used. By the way, why does a Cardassian Battlecruiser have a Japanese name? Josh> Plot hole, AWAY! >(Inside the Captain's Quarters. An attractive woman hands a >seated man a datadisc. Nene> (sarcastically) AND, of course, she's remarkably beautiful AND gorgeous, right? Kyosuke> Do I detect some envy in the area, Nene? Nene> Shut up. >Though seated away, this man eagerly pops it in, showing >how eager he was to get this.) Josh> "Oh boy! My Romulan Porn tape!" >WOMAN: (anxious) I hope you have the fee you agreed to pay >me. It cost me much to obtain this information. Josh> "$4.95 plus shipping and handling." Kyosuke> "If you live in California, 5% sales tax." (Actually, I don't know California's sales tax) >MAN: (understanding) Oh, I do..Alicia. Kyosuke> Yes, stealing a compact disc can be very exhausting. >(Cut to case being shown to the woman. It is opened to >reveal ten ingots of gold-pressed latinum. Josh> Ingots? Kyosuke> I get it! Like, 'Ingotten' gains! Nene> That's 'illgotten', dear. >A small sack is tossed into the case as well and Alicia opens it. Nene> Duh! "Nah, I'll keep it closed." Josh> What's inside? >(Inside are some precious stones.) Josh> Oh, thank you! >MAN: Those jewels are a little bonus...and retainer fee. Kyosuke> Retainer fee? Josh> Ahh, I see. It's for her 'dental plan'. >How would you like to join the Maquis, serving with me? > >ALICIA: I don't know..there doesn't seem to be much of a life for me >with the Federation now. >(As the Man speaks, pan up.) Kyosuke> He puts a pan up? Josh> Maybe he's hungry. Nene> That reminds me, when do we eat? >MAN: Take all the time you need. But do consider that once >you join, you're in for the ride. (The face is revealed to be that >of..Ryouga Hibiki..or is it? He seems suave, cunning..and more >dangerous.) Josh> (Josh's face seems bored, drained, and lifeless.) >EVIL RYOUGA: After all, there's not a lot left now to lose. Kaldoran >taught me that. Josh> Ok, now why did Captain HSU look like Ryouga? Is HE the Evil Ryouga? If not, what was the point of all the shock and staring in the Transporter room? Kyosuke> I don't know. This story thing hurts my head. >(On board the shuttlecraft GENMA. Ryouga is in dark marine >fatigues, his headband around his head and belt-sword around his >pants. He is equipped with a knife and a phaser (Mark II). Ukyou >is similarly dressed and equipped, with her boots ready with four >spatulas.) Nene> Boy, looks like she's ready for ANY occasion. Kyosuke> (imitating Fashion Show announcer) And look how lovely Ukyou is walking down the runway is in her Combat suit with beautiful strap-on boot spatulas! A fashion statement for sure! >RYOUGA: (to ship comm) GENMA to Rumicprise. >RANMA VO: Rumicprise here, GENMA. Josh> "No, my name is RYOUGA!" >RYOUGA: This was where Lieutenant Coolidge was taken, right? >RANMA VO: According to Captain Hsu's records. >RYOUGA: Got it. Keep tracking us. GENMA out. (switches off comm) >Let's see what we can find here..computer? Josh> "Beep...Error with file STORY.SYS REBOOT? yes/no/delete" >COMPUTER VO: Awaiting request. >RYOUGA: Scan for trail, possibly ion traces that could not >belong to Galaxy class Starship. Nene> What are they looking for? Josh> Spaceship gas. Nene> Ahh. >COMPUTER VO: Scanning..trail found, leading to Seiya Santis >4 sector. >RYOUGA: Record coordinates and transmit to Rumicprise. >UKYOU: Why no Galaxy class starship? Kyosuke> "Cause I felt like it, OK?!" >RYOUGA: It took Lieutenant Coolidge quickly, and made a quick >run from here, thus it had to be a small craft with Transporter >ability. >UKYOU: So which do you think..shuttlecraft or runabout? Nene> So which do you think..Dumb or completely inept? Josh> Give me a minute, I'm thinking. Kyosuke> Not me, I've already decided. Is "all of the above" appropriate? >RYOUGA: Either one is possible...when the coordinates are recorded, >let's log in course and find out. >COMPUTER VO: Coordinates recorded and transmitted to >Rumicprise. >UKYOU: Course logged in. >RYOUGA: That trail could die out at any time... Josh> Much could be said about the plot. >..engage! >(In the EVIL RYOUGA's chamber, we see there is a bit of >lavishness here as there are gems, precious metals and weapons here. >EVIL RYOUGA sits at a console and plays the datadisc.) Josh> "And now, Data does DALLAS!!" >EVIL RYOUGA: Now to find out about my "good twin".. Kyosuke> "Now for the GOOD twin, same as the old twin..." >(Tapping in a few commands, EVIL RYOUGA finds out about the life of >RYOUGA, bit by bit.) >EVIL RYOUGA: (reads) Interesting.. Nene> This story? Not. >(suddenly angry) Kaldoran?!? He escaped? That's impossible.. >I'M Ryouga Hibiki and I DIDN'T escape! There will be a reckoning >when I find him..this galaxy may not be big enough for TWO Ryouga >Hibikis. >(On board the GENMA, the shuttlecraft is buffeted by phaser >fire. Nene> Buffeted? Did someone drop a smorgasbord on the shuttlecraft? >Suddenly, two armed guards beam over into the back of the craft.) >GUARD 1: Freeze! Nene> Should we make like icicles or cubes? >GUARD 2: Turn around and grab sky.. Kyosuke> Hey "Tsu"! There IS no sky in space! Josh> Couldn't say something 'spacey', like, "grab cosmos," or "stars"? >...Maquis, Federation scum! >(Ryouga and Ukyou turn around..and the guards gape as they >see Ryouga.) Nene> "The plot turns around...and the BAFT3K crew gapes as they read..." >GUARD 1: Captain Hibiki! >GUARD 2: What are you doing here? >RYOUGA: (thinking) What are they talking about? I'd better >act quick. (defensively) Covert actions! My cover might be blown >thanks to you two sorry no-account excuses for Maquis! Josh> Ahh! The comedy relief! Kyosuke> Isn't helpin. >GUARD 1: I'm sorry about that, SIR! >GUARD 2: But who is that with you? >RYOUGA: (angry) New recruit! >UKYOU: (plays long) Ukyou Kuonji! Josh> Do you think its safe for her to use her OWN name? >RYOUGA: (still angry) Take me back to base, quickly! >GUARDS: (surprised) But can't you fly? Nene> "Well, let's see. You knocked out my warp drive, weapons, and impulse...Next!" >RYOUGA: (furious) Peter Pan could fly, Superman could fly, Josh> Ahh, yes, but can Peter Pan stop a rampaging train in it's path? >but your potshots at my shuttlecraft wrecked it! Take me back and >that's an order! >GUARDS: (snap to attention) YES SIR! >RYOUGA: (exasperated) It's SO hard to get good help these >days.. Kyosuke> It's SO hard to get some decent dialogue around here these days... Nene> What do you expect? Haven't you seen the title of this feature? >GUARD 1: (taps communicator) Ikazuchi..four to beam up. >(Ryouga, Ukyou and the Guards are beamed up into the >Cardassian Transporter room of the IKAZUCHI. "Pirate Ship" is the >air around the ship, and the room looks like it fits in.) >RYOUGA: Ukyou, we're not in Kansas anymore... Kyosuke> Toto! Josh> Woof! Nene> Guys, we're not in our right minds anymore. Josh> Were we ever? >(Suddenly, Ukyou and Ryouga are surrounded by two encircling >force fields!) UKYOU: What the--? >RYOUGA: WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? >EVIL RYOUGA VO: THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO KNOW! ALL> HOW ABOUT US?!!! >(EVIL RYOUGA himself enters, armed with phaser. Four other >guards accompany him also armed with phasers.) Josh> Everyone is carrying a phaser! Kyosuke> What, are these guys all from New York? >EVIL RYOUGA: You four, take her (pointing to Ukyou) to a cell! >You two take him (pointing to Ryouga) with me! Nene> More pointing! The good guys are obviously just as bad as the bad guys! >(The force fields drop, and Ukyou looks at Ryouga, who shakes his >head.. Josh> "The plot drops, and Josh looks at Nene, who just shakes her head..." Nene> Think we've taken enough shots at the plot now? Kyosuke> .......Naaah. >the odds don't look good, so she goes meekly with the guards, who >have phasers locked on her. Ryouga is hustled out to another end >of the ship, followed by the Evil Ryouga.) Kyosuke> Leaving us more confused than usual. Nene> Oh boy, we get to take a break! Josh> Not likely. Here comes a lame commercial that the authors wrote, produced, and hacked. >[Commercial] >(A basketball court. There is a toaster with an Eggo >waffle.) >Announcer VO: When it comes to Eggo waffles.. >(Ranma comes out, dressed in basketball warm-ups) >Announcer VO:..no one likes them better than Ranma Saotome. >(Ryouga comes out, dressed in bandanna and basketball warm-ups) >Announcer VO: Except maybe his longtime rival, Ryouga Hibiki. >(Chibi Usa, in little referee's uniform and whistle, motions both >towards the toaster, which is on a table in the center of the >court.) (Close on Ranma) >Announcer VO: Ranma knows.. >(Ryouga in kitchen, eating Eggo waffles) >Announcer VO: Ryouga loves that golden Eggo crispness. >Announcer VO: (cut to Ryouga) Ryouga knows.. >(Ranma in kitchen, eating Eggo waffles) >Announcer VO: Ranma loves that delicious Eggo taste. >(Ranma and Ryouga crouch, ready to jump for the Eggo waffle) >Announcer VO: Only thing they DIDN'T know was.. >(Ranma and Ryouga jump for it, but Chibi Usa gets it and >puts in on a plate..see a little footage of the boys in flight) >Announcer VO: ..how much Chibi Usa loves 'em! >(Ranma and Ryouga are in flight..then drop down) >Ranma and Ryouga: HEY! LEGGO MY EGGO! >(cut to shot of waffles, box and toaster) >Announcer VO: Eggo waffles. The part of this breakfast >that's just TOO good to leggo! (Ranma and Ryouga touch the ground, >while Chibi Usa happily eats her >Eggo waffle. She points at each of them with her fork) >Chibi Usa: You looking for this? (smiles as she eats) >(Ranma and Ryouga look at her, at each other and laugh at all this.) >[Commercial End] Nene> Boy, THAT was original. Josh> Ha ha ha! Boy, I loved the part when Chibi Usa says, "You looking for this?" That was classic! (Falls over in hysterics). Kyosuke> Josh, I think you’re a little too happy. Josh> Bwahahahahaha!!! >(Ryouga is at the Evil Ryouga's chambers. The Guards are >still present, their phasers ready. Evil Ryouga sits at desk.) >EVIL RYOUGA: My story is a rough and sad one..like a seat? (Ryouga >is shoved down into a seat by the guards, facing Evil Ryouga.) Kyosuke> I always appreciate a good host. Nene> Evil Ryouga will definitely get more hostages if he remains this polite. Josh> It depends on whether he can stop all the pointing. >RYOUGA: (thinking) I'd better not look too eager before I >hear him out..(snaps back) So how does your story read..hardcover >or paperback? ALL> Ha ha ha. It is to laugh. >EVIL RYOUGA: It reads like this..do you remember..Kaldoran, >Lieutenant? Josh> I'm guessing he didn't get it. >RYOUGA: (surprised) Kaldoran?!? Josh> I've got to say it. IS THERE AN ECHO IN HERE? >EVIL RYOUGA: I tried to escape from there once but was >caught in a Cardassian Transporter beam. I didn't make it out then. >RYOUGA: Well, I DO remember Kaldoran, and I DID make it out >thanks to a power flux. Kyosuke> And that's all that really matters. >EVIL RYOUGA: So it seems..that power flux gave your escape ship >enough power to pull YOU out while leaving ME behind! >RYOUGA: (angry) Get to the point, then.. ALL> YES! PLEASE! >EVIL RYOUGA: It now seems there are TWO Ryouga Hibikis, one >a Maquis pirate, the other a Starfleet officer. >RYOUGA: So what made you a pirate? Josh> (Freudian voice) Tell me about your mother. >EVIL RYOUGA: Now this is where the "sad" part of my story comes in.. Kyosuke> No need to tell a sad story now...I'm in tears already. >after being recaptured, I saw the escape ship jet off..and I was >left behind. I was cruelly tortured by the Cardassians, and used >what didn't kill me to make me stronger as a pit fighter. I hoped >to win a valuable prize..freedom! Kyosuke> Instead, they gave me some lovely parting gifts. Josh> I wish I had freedom. Nene> We can only dream. >When that didn't happen, I used my powers and abilities >to break out, this time stealing a shuttle belonging to a >Cardassian pirate. Then I single-handedly took a Ferengi ship >with a sneak attack. This launched my career as pirate and >mercenary. Cardassians, Ferengi, Romulans..even hostile Federation >vessels. If I could defeat them, I could get rich and so could my >crew. Latinum, credits, gems, precious metals, hardware, plundered >cargo and even other ships.. if I could use it, trade it or sell >it, so much the better. Josh> You know I'd go from rags to riches... >I got a small fleet going and then became known as the "Dark >Wolf." (smiles) The Maquis signed me up when they found out how much >havoc I gave Cardassia. In return for a portion of the proceeds, Nene> Cardassians sound very much like lawyers. >they gave me whatever help I needed, be it crew, supplies, >information, and technology. (darkens voice) Since then I have >struck again and again, taking Cardassian plunder and ships to rain >terror and pain. (darkly) When I escaped Kaldoran, I vowed the >Cardassians would pay dearly for what they did to me..(smiles >darkly)..and now I'm getting my just rewards with interest! Josh> "With an annual return from the bank of 20%..." >(low) Vengeance is indeed sweet when served cold.. Nene> You know, you should always pre-heat your vengeance to avoid getting worms. >and with Cardassians, the colder the sweeter! HA HA HA HA HA >HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! >(Ryouga is amazed at the Evil Ryouga's story..could it be >for real? For that matter, could it be possible?) Kyosuke> I dunno. Let's give the author the benefit of the doubt. >RYOUGA: (outraged) Under NO circumstances could I see that as a >justification for what you did! Josh> I think this story could be considered justification for murder. >Attacking one group or splinter groups of a species for pain they >caused is one thing.. Josh> I hate splinters. Nene> Me too. >inflicting vengeance on a whole species and other innocents is >quite another! (low) Do you know what your Maquis standing is >doing to the galaxy? Josh> Lowering property values? >EVIL RYOUGA: (low, building) Kyosuke> Watch out flight 32! Low building! (static noises) Josh> Aaaaaaa! >It means we are doing what the Federation should have done..kick >the butt of Cardassia! As for splinter groups, there's an old >saying: "If the splinters are too much for you, then get rid of >the log!" Josh> Ha ha ha! Boy, evil Ryouga is just as funny as regular Ryouga! Nene> That's not saying much... >RYOUGA: (serious) Do you know that you are leading actions >leading to the deaths of innocents? Josh> "Look, mom already gave me this lecture! I don't need to hear it again!" >EVIL RYOUGA: (angry but cool) Innocents die all the time! >RYOUGA: (angry but cool) Josh> Bored but indifferent. >But THESE innocents could have been spared! If the Maquis continue >their operations, there would be all-out war between Cardassia and >the Federation! Many will die as victims..of an unwanted war! The >last time there was war many DID die..do you want to be blamed for >causing more deaths by starting war? > >EVIL RYOUGA: (angry, slams fist down on desk) ENOUGH! GUARDS!! Kyosuke> (angry, slams head against wall) ENOUGH! NO MORE! >(Two more guards appear by Ryouga as a door opens, their phasers >ready to fire as they lock on Ryouga.) >EVIL RYOUGA: Take him to his girl friend..and set course for the >Maquis base, warp 4! If you need to, SHOOT TO KILL! (Ryouga >is led out by the Guards.) Nene> "Next time, I lead." >EVIL RYOUGA: Communications, let me talk to Ro Lauren and >Cal Hudson, immediately! >INTERCOM VOICE: Is that a good idea, sir? >EVIL RYOUGA: (infuriated) Are you questioning me?!? Josh> What does it sound like, dipstick? >INTERCOM VOICE: NO SIR! > >(Ryouga is in a brig cell with Ukyou, sitting across from >her. A force field is up in front of them.) > >RYOUGA: (concerned) You holding up okay, Ucchan? Kyosuke> NOW they're on a first-name basis? >UKYOU: (cynically) If being held by a maniacal Maquis who happens to >look like your boyfriend is okay, then yeah, I'm fine! Josh> Did I miss a chapter in the Ranma series? Ukyou & Ryouga? Nene> Yeah, it was Ranma 1/2: The Sub-plot generation. >RYOUGA: (concerned and tenderly) I'm sorry Ucchan, I didn't >know how much you hurt.. I'm still shocked at seeing another me, >too. Nene> Someone shoot me. Josh> Forget it. You're suffering like the rest of us. >UKYOU: (softly and sadly) Ryo-kun..(wraps her arms around his neck >as she lays her head down on his shoulders. Ryouga puts an arm >around her as his other hand brushes her hair slightly.) Kyosuke> This is so...MUSHY! Nene> Awww....what's wrong, Kyosuke-kun? Getting jealous? >(The Evil Ryouga is in his quarters. Suddenly, the >vidscreen beeps, followed by the communicator.) >VOICE: Cal Hudson and Ro Lauren calling, Captain. >EVIL RYOUGA: Put them on. Josh> "Ok, should I tell them that Tom & Roseanne are getting back together?" >(Screen blips on, with the faces of Cal Hudson and Ro Lauren >present.) >HUDSON: Greetings, Captain Hibiki. >EVIL RYOUGA: Greetings, sir. Sorry to call on such short >notice. >LAUREN: It had to be important or you wouldn't have called. >What's going on there? Kyosuke> When the characters in the story are just as confused as the readers, you know something's wrong. >EVIL RYOUGA: I have the datadisc on the officer to >impersonate, Lieutenant Ryouga Hibiki. The real lieutenant is also >in my brig after trying to break my loyalty with psychology. He >didn't succeed. We're on our way to see if he is who he is, then >proceed with the plan. Nene> Good, but what IS the plan? Josh> So far, we've gone through about 20 pages, and we've yet to find out why they want some dork that looks like Ryouga to impersonate Ryouga. Kyosuke> Hold on, guys. This is just our first fanfic. Get used to it! Josh> (sigh) >We'll be at the base soon. >HUDSON: Good. Hudson out. >(Cut to Maquis base. Ro Lauren and Cal Hudson just finished the >transmission.) >LAUREN: What can we do about this? >HUDSON: Obviously "Lieutenant Hibiki" was trying to use cold logic >to get our Captain Hibiki to chicken out. Josh> Cluck, cluck! >How successful he was remains to be seen, but I wouldn't >trust either one. When the time comes we must eliminate both of >them..for the good of the Maquis of course. >LAUREN: (nods) But how can it be done when there's not a problem? >We go ahead too soon, and the other Hibiki will convince out Hibiki >for sure! Josh> And with no Hibikis', where will WE BE? Kyosuke> GOD, just call him RYOUGA! Nene> Hibiki Habiki bo biki, banana fana fo fiki, me mi mo miki, Hibiki! >HUDSON: The Arena will determine that..if it seems too >slack, we will fire phasers into the ring..set to kill them both! >Better to eliminate two chumps with one shot that way. Josh> None of these guys are very nice are they? >(Maquis base, the IKAZUCHI has docked.) >(The Transporter Room receives the Evil Ryouga, Alicia, and >Starfleet captives Ryouga and Ukyou. Cal Hudson, Ro Lauren, and >four security guards are there. >RYOUGA: (to himself, shocked when he recognizes the non-guard >Maquis) Cal Hudson..Ro Lauren! Kyosuke> "Beavis! Butthead! Just like old times!" >HUDSON: Welcome home, Dark Wolf. >EVIL RYOUGA: Thank you, sir. (Motions to Alicia) This is a potential >new candidate to the Maquis cause. >ALICIA: Sir. (Salutes) Kyosuke> SIG HEIL! >HUDSON: (smiles) At ease. (To Evil Ryouga) She's got spirit and >respect. Josh> He could tell that all out of her salute? Kyosuke> Some people were just built to observe. >She'll do well. (Sees Ryouga and is astonished) If I didn't see it >with my own eyes, I wouldn't have believed it! (Blinks as he notices >that the two Hibikis are exact duplicates of each other) No wonder >you said you said you can impersonate him. Josh> I can do impersonations too! Guess who I am, "I don't get no respect!" Nene> Cole Porter? Kyosuke> Huh? >EVIL RYOUGA: I want to check if we WERE the same..to ensure no >discrepancies between us. >LAUREN: These guards will aid you. Guards, take them to Sick Bay >for DNA analysis. (Ryouga and Ukyou are hustled out by the guards.) Josh> Yee-ha! Hustle them cow-pokes! >RYOUGA: (yelling as parting shot) Jean-Luc Picard and Benjamin Sisko >would PUKE if they found out what you two were doing! Kyosuke> Ryouga, if they read this story, I'm sure they'd already be blowing chunks. >EVIL RYOUGA: I'd better go along to make sure they don't >escape. Come, Alicia, and I'll show you around. (Ryouga and Ukyou >exit surrounded by the guards, with Evil Ryouga and Alicia >following.) >HUDSON: (glowering under his anger) How DARE he yell Sisko's name >like that in my presence! >LAUREN: (also steamed) And how dare he yell Picard's name in mine! >Joining the Maquis was not easy to do, especially when it meant >going against Jean-Luc Picard, (sadly) who was like a father >to me! Nene> "DADDY!" >HUDSON: Nor me, either. It wasn't easy going against an old >friend like Ben Sisko. >LAUREN: What did it get us? A job to beat Cardassians at the cost >of those who placed the greatest faith in us. >HUDSON: The job was dangerous when you were initiated..but now I >know that "Lieutenant Hibiki" MUST be eliminated, and Captain >Hibiki as well to prevent any double-cross on his part. >LAUREN: Can't we just slip in our Hibiki for theirs? >HUDSON: We don't know just how close their Hibiki came to causing >ours to change sides. We can't chance failure now! We may have to >kill BOTH of them! Josh> "DIE! DIE! THEY MUST ALL DIE!" >LAUREN: This may cause divisions in the Maquis..a lot of others >think we can pull something out. >HUDSON: We'll let the Arena settle this..once we're sure that the >Federation Hibiki is the one we want eliminated! > > >(Maquis Medical Ward 2. Ryouga is connected to one end of an >analyzing device, with the Evil Ryouga connected to the other end.) > >MEDICAL OFFICER: Computer! Genetic Analysis of subjects. Query One, >is Subject One real Lieutenant Ryouga Hibiki, and Query Two, are both >Subjects identical? >COMPUTER VOICE: Working on Query One. Findings: DNA analysis of >Subject in question identical to that of Federation Lieutenant Ryouga >Hibiki. Conclusion: Subject IS Lieutenant Ryouga Hibiki. Working on >Query Two. Findings: Both Subjects have identical DNA structures. >Conclusion: Both are identical. Josh> C'mon! If they had the SAME EXACT DNA structure, they would think and act the same! Kyosuke> Maybe you should stop reading those Scientific Americans, Josh. >MEDICAL OFFICER: Record findings and switch off. >EVIL RYOUGA: Well, "brother," it's a shame Dad never found >out he had twins. Josh> Talk about sibling rivalry. Kyosuke> "You know, it's good to have you calling me brother finally!" >RYOUGA: Then "brother," it's seems like you're the "black wolf" of >the family. It's good Dad's not here to see it..he wouldn't have >liked it. > >EVIL RYOUGA: Let's let the Arena settle that, shall we? Kyosuke> Fighting isn't the answer! Siblings should always discuss their differences in a healthy way! I...oh forget it... >RYOUGA: (startled) Arena? >EVIL RYOUGA: I'm sure you remember the pit fights you suffered >before the transporter incident on Kaldoran made us who we turned >out to be.. >(EVIL RYOUGA smiles a bit) Now's a time to relieve those memories. >RYOUGA: (to himself) Oh boy.. >EVIL RYOUGA: (Clint-like) Do ya feel lucky, punk? >(beat) Well, do ya? >RYOUGA: (Clint-like) Man's gotta know his limitations.. Nene> Do I feel lucky? Well, no, can't say I do. Josh> (doing the best Clint E. he can do) "I know what you're thinking...did the author take 5 shots or only 4 before writing this?" >(On board the Rumicprise bridge.) >RANMA: Akemi, have you locked onto the coordinates of the >shuttlecraft GENMA's last heading? Kyosuke> "No Captain. I've been staring at this console for the last hour full of useless information." >AKEMI: Yes, Captain..they were for the Seiya Santis 4 sector. >RANMA: Get us there posthaste, Akemi..Warp 9! >KASUMI: I can sense you really seem nervous about this, Ranma. Josh> Lucky guess. He probably just wet his pants or something. >RANMA: I am. I'm not quite sure how you sensed that, though. >AKEMI: You must really care about Ryouga, Captain. >KASUMI: You are a lot more nervous ever since Captain Hsu left. >AKANE: And even more since Ryouga and Shampoo left, too. Kyosuke> Wha--? Shampoo? How does she fit into this? Josh> Just smile and nod. >RANMA: They're a part of my past..like you three and the rest of the >bridge crew. You three, Mousse, Shampoo, Tofu-sensei, Emiko >and even Tsubasa are like Ryouga and Ucchan..parts of me that help >and all of us remember where..(pause) and when we came from. (pause) >You're a part of my roots now, just like I'm a part of yours. Josh> (James Earl Jones)"...and when we die, we become the grass...so Simba, you see, we're all connected..." Nene> (sings) "The Circle of life! And it moves us all..." >KASUMI: I never know you thought that profoundly, Ranma. >AKANE: Nor I. Kyosuke> You know, Akane hasn't wasted Ranma once in this Fan-Fic. Josh> Don't these guys know it's not a Ranma story unless Ranma gets hit with a mallet at least once? Nene> Or gets turned into a girl? Kyosuke> Or gets involved in a plot that might give a cure for the curse? Nene> Or... Josh> OK, OK! I think we’ve already proven our point that this is NOT your usual “Ranma 1/2” story! >RANMA: Guess that's what working under Captain Picard can do for >you. I had one of his courses in leadership and integrity when I >got my rank as ensign. (pause) That was one class that taught me to >have patience with life and crew..and the responsibility and >authority that comes with both of them. >AKANE: That's heavy. Josh> "Why is everything so heavy in the future? Is there some problem with the earth's gravitational field?" (Sorry, Hou Bang.) >KASUMI: Guess you cared more about Ryouga than we thought. >RANMA: He's been around whenever there was a mission to save Akane, >Kasumi..whenever I needed people to go with me, he'd be among the >first to join. His loyalty was even more amazing..now that we're >all in this time and part of the universe, he now has a cause and >friends to fight for. I'm not sure how far he'd develop given the >chance..or all of you, for that matter. Once he does, though, I'd >like to see it. >KASUMI: So would all of us. >RANMA: I just hope that I can see it.. >AKANE: Same here. >AKEMI: Me too. Josh> Me three! Nene> Me four! Kyosuke> That's enough out of you two! Josh> You know, you gotta give “Uncle Teddie” some credit...the man sure loves his ellipses! >(The Arena of the Maquis Base. It looks like a gladiator arena, >with rock and stone floors, with steel and metal walls. It seems to >have been recently used as there is still some blood on the floor. Kyosuke> Alright! 'Marquis Gladiators!' >In one heavily protected box is Ro Lauren and Cal Hudson. In another >box under guard, is Ukyou and Alicia. Both Ryougas are in the >center of the arena, about ten yards apart, studying each other >intently.) > >EVIL RYOUGA: What weapons do you choose? >RYOUGA: I prefer using none. Nene> Moron. Josh> I guess he prefers to die by his own hands. >EVIL RYOUGA: Suit yourself. (rushes at Ryouga) En guarde! >(Ryouga concentrates, arms going back, hands open and facing the >Evil Ryouga.) > >EVIL RYOUGA: Hur--(cocks right fist as he rushes) Kyosuke> "...ricane! Konya wa Hurricane!" >RYOUGA: ROARING LION BULLET! (Chi-blast forms as he finishes, >stumbling back a bit as the blast hits Evil Ryouga in full force.) >EVIL RYOUGA: --AAAAAAAAAAAGH! (falls back as he feels the force of >the ki-blast. He stands on his feet, dazed.) Never have I felt >a ki-blast that strong before! Josh> "Well, you're young yet." Nene> Never have I read a story like this before... Josh> SEE PREVIOUS COMMENT. >RYOUGA: When fueled with ki and not malice, any blow is stronger. >EVIL RYOUGA: Good thing I have a few moves of my own! (rushes Ryouga >again while building up ki, then dives at Ryouga.) Blasting Point >Hole! (touches pointed finger at ground at angle, which throws up >some debris) >RYOUGA: (leaps away, barely dodging the mess) >Hmm..nice move! Remind me to remember that. Kyosuke> Remind me to remind you to remind me to... Josh> Stop it! You're almost as bad as this! >EVIL RYOUGA: Remember this! (Charges at Ryouga again) WOLF BLITZ! >(Tackles Ryouga with a quick speed and hard charge, taking >him to the ground.) >RYOUGA: Whuufff!!! (feels the wind knocked out of him) >EVIL RYOUGA: (climbs onto Ryouga's chest) Josh> All right, get the hose! >For a long time you had the life I could have had..now I'll make >your life mine with your death! (Punch heads for Ryouga's face. >Ryouga dodges with his head..and flips up his body, knocking Evil >Ryouga off his chest.) >RYOUGA: (panting) Don't..count..on..it..yet!! (Evil Ryouga feels >frustrated Nene> Join the club. >as the fight rages on..as Evil Ryouga >keeps throwing blow after blow, somehow Ryouga dodges or >blocks them. The fight goes in circles, getting closer to the >center. We see the Evil Ryouga's aura: It burns dark crimson, and >burns more fiercely with each blow thrown.) > >RYOUGA: (panting) I'm not..the SAME Ryouga..that came here eight >years ago..(concentrates on his next move, focusing ki energy) >EVIL RYOUGA: (panting) But..you'll DIE..all the same..(quickly >cocks fist as a dark, hot crimson aura surrounds his form) Josh> LOOK OUT! HE'S GONNA BLOW! Kyosuke> Aaaaahhh! >RYOUGA: VORTEX PUNCH! (punches into Evil Ryouga's aura; as he >punches in, his arm surges massively with a bright cool aqua >aura, and the colored auras interact.) Nene> Cool! Can he do pastels? >EVIL RYOUGA: (in shock) What..is..(feels ki-energy from the >aura surge around him, yet can't do a thing about it as the >ki-energy builds, swirling aqua and crimson, and building to a >maximum) >RYOUGA: Ki-shield, Ukyou! Shield your eyes! > >(Ukyou covers her eyes as her activated ki-shields her upper >body. Ryouga crouches and does likewise, his ki-shield >shielding his crouched form. Good thing, too, as there is a loud >BOOM from the ki energies reacting, forming a powerful explosion >with a blinding light and a powerful shockwave.) > >EVIL RYOUGA: (all but drowned out by the BOOM) AAAAAAAAH! >(There is a pause, and when the dust settles, Evil Ryouga is >drained, his ki spent.) Kyosuke> By the way, what is ki? Josh> 3.14. Nene> That's Pi. >EVIL RYOUGA: (Weakly) Ohhhhhhhhhh...(falls unconscious) >(Ryouga leaps up to Ukyou's box and takes a communicator from the >dazed guard. Slinging both Ukyou and Alicia over his shoulder, he >goes down to the unconscious Evil Ryouga. Using the communicator, >Ryouga hails the IKAZUCHI.) >RYOUGA: Dark Wolf to Ikazuchi. >VOICE: Ikazuchi here. >RYOUGA: Four to beam up, and make it quick! >(Light envelops the four as they are back into the >Transporter Room of the Ikazuchi.) >RYOUGA: (To two guards) Take her (pointing to Alicia) to the brig, >you two (points to two other guards) take this turkey to sickbay. >Tell medical to keep him under close surveillance and guarded at all >times. >GUARDS: At once, sir! Nene> I guess these guards don't need any proof that's he's the right Ryouga. >RYOUGA: We can no longer trust the Maquis. They tried to kill me. Josh> Thanks for the update. >(to helmsman) Helm, plot course for space station Deep Space >Nine. Warp 6. All Dark Wolf ships are to meet there. The journey >will end there and once negotiations are finished, wealth will be >shared. Comm, notify Gul Dukat and Federation, Ferengi and Romulan >representatives that recovery negotiations will be made once there, >and notify the USS Rumicprise we'll meet her there. If they ask, >tell them that "Lieutenant Ryouga Hibiki" will be there. >COMMUNICATIONS OFFICER: LIEUTENANT Ryouga Hibiki? >RYOUGA: Just a cover for the time being. Trust me. Kyosuke> Aren't the Marquis just the least bit suspicious? Josh> Well, nobody said the Marquis were that bright. >(DS9. Kyosuke> And now, to complicate things even more...ANOTHER crossover! Enjoy! >Commander Sisko, Major Kira, Doctor Bashir and Odo meet Ryouga, who >has Alicia under guard led by Ukyou, and an unconscious Evil Ryouga >on a stretcher with four guards.) >SISKO: You weren't kidding when you said you had a problem. Josh> "I WAS kidding! April Fool!" >RYOUGA: (points to stretcher) I may have over exaggerated, but he >lapsed into near-coma after beaming to the ship. Doctor, can you >help? >BASHIR: I believe my Sickbay can aid him. >RYOUGA: Thank you, Doctor. Please be careful..he's my kinsman. Kyosuke> After all he's done to him, he considers him kinsman? Nene> I guess Ryouga is more forgiving than we thought. Josh> Either that, or just plain stupid. >(Bashir leads guards with stretcher and Evil Ryouga to Sickbay.) >Constable Odo? >ODO: Yes? >RYOUGA: (points to Alicia) I have the traitor Captain Hsu talked >about. I remand her to your custody. Kyosuke> Hold on while I look up 'remand' in the dictionary. Nene> Got it already: (verb) to order or send back. Josh> So...Ryouga is 'ordering' or 'sending back' Alicia to Odo. Kyosuke> That still doesn't get us anywhere on this plot thing. >ODO: (takes Alicia) Come on now..a nice cell awaits Maquis like you. Josh> "Wait a minute! This cell doesn't look like anything in the brochure! I demand a refund!" >ALICIA: (mutters something under her breath as Odo takes her away) >RYOUGA: Major Kira? >KIRA: Yes? >RYOUGA: My kinsman, Ryodai Hibiki, went through a lot of traumatic >things at the hands of hostile Cardassians long ago. Can you help >him heal the trauma? Nene> "What do I look like, a Psychotherapist?!" >KIRA: (puzzled) Why do you ask this of me? >RYOUGA: I thought that with the Cardassian occupation of Bajor, >you'd understand best how hurt and bitter he is. I also thought >you'd be the best able to help him with his pain. >KIRA: I'll do what I can, and thanks for the vote of confidence. Kyosuke> "And thanks for caring..." >(Kira leaves, with Sisko and Ryouga alone.) >RYOUGA: Have the representatives arrived? >SISKO: The last one arrived a short while ago. >RYOUGA: Good..then negotiations can begin. Also, I'd like to make >some other arrangements. Josh> Hey, how does Captain Hsu fit into all of this? Kyosuke> He was supposed to look like Ryouga and inform us (sort of) on what Ryouga was supposed to do. Nene> In other words you don't think he had any definite fitting in role? Josh> Ssshhh! We'll continue this on the bridge! >(Two weeks later, aboard DS9. Doctor Bashir and Odo hand the Evil >Ryouga a key card, identification and a dataplayer with a datadisc >in it.) >BASHIR: You seem all right now, Ryodai. You've been unconscious >for about two weeks. Josh> Ryodai? >ODO: Your "kinsman," Ryouga, said that if you didn't recover before >he left, to give you these items. >EVIL RYOUGA: (taking time to adjust to being called Ryodai) When >did Ryouga leave? Kyosuke> Ahhh...They renamed him! Josh> Isn't that just like a bad FanFic? Leaves you wondering.. Nene> Ssssshhh! I want to get this over with! >ODO: Three days ago, after finishing salvage negotiations with >Cardassians, Ferengi, Romulans and Starfleet. You two had found >out a notorious Maquis pirate agent, the Dark Wolf. After proceeds >from ships and all cargoes were negotiated, he rendezvoused with the >Rumicprise and left. >BASHIR: As soon as you awoke he wanted to make sure you got >these. >RYODAI: (puzzled) I wonder what they could be.. (He plays the >dataplayer as he adjusts to his new ID , Ryodai Hibiki. Josh> Adjust? Adjust already and play the damn disk! >Ryouga's face and voice appear.) >RYOUGA RECORDING: Well, Ryodai, what you have is your share of the >proceeds. That key card when presented at Federation Intergalactic >Banks will access an account with about 40 bars of latinum. Each >crew member has about 100,000 credits for their loyalty. Your >immediate account has about one million credits in case you need >it. Josh> What a dope! Considers him Kinsman and gives him all his savings. Kyosuke> I don't understand how these people think at all.... >I know life hasn't been easy for you, Ryodai, Kyosuke> Up until now, life was fairly good to ME.... >but I think I set up something for you to build on. I hope >you use it wisely. As we took down a Maquis player, you, like I >must be ever vigilant. (pause) You never know how hot their hate >can burn. Josh> I'm feeling rather hot myself. >As a precaution, the crew have been paid and are across the >universes, with the ships back in their rightful places. This way, >no Maquis can track us..they tried to kill us, so be careful. >(pause) Good luck, my kinsman. (Recording blinks out) >identifications to Ryodai) >RYODAI: (says to self) Ryodai Hibiki..that's me, all right. >(thinks) One day, "kinsman," we'll meet again.. Josh> AND THEN YOU WILL DIE, DIE, DIE! >(DS9 brig. Alicia is there, head slumped. Odo comes in.) >ODO: There was a note for you..from Ryouga Hibiki. Nene> "Whack-o-gram!" >ALICIA: (sits up) What?!? >ODO: Here..(hands her note)..see for yourself. >ALICIA: (reads note) "As the saying goes, He that sells what >isn't his'n must buy it back or go to prison. Next time you take >part of another's personal file for profit, make sure you work for >tabloids, not traitors." Josh> Ha ha! That wacky Ryouga gets funnier every minute. >(crumples note) One day.. Josh> A) Old Nene> B) At a time Kyosuke> C) I hope to die >(Rumicprise outside shot.) >RYOUGA VO: Personal log, supplemental. Though I gave my twin a good >economic foundation, I hope he uses it wisely. Josh> Are you kidding? Of course he will... Nene> ....not. >He might be slow to forgive my dismantling his fleet, but it allowed >me a chance to prevent the Maquis from finding us for a while. >Initially, my share of the loot was what Ryouga would have given the >Maquis if still loyal..200 hundred bars of latinum, and five million >credits. After taxes and other transaction fees, my net share was >forty percent, or 80 bars and 2 million credits. This I accepted as >my twin's legal agent during all this. Kyosuke> Ahhh...So he's getting a profit out of this too. Nene> It seems like this whole story was based on profit. Josh> And cheap laughs... >(Seven-Upward, the Rumicprise's Lounge. Josh> Seven-Upward. RumicPrise. These names are VERY original....kinda....NOT! >Ranma, Ryouga, Ukyou, and Akane are there.) >RANMA: Those coordinates you sent for the Maquis Base helped. A >joint Federation-Cardassian team caught some stragglers, although >the main Maquis, including Ro Lauren and Cal Hudson, got away. >RYOUGA: Thought so. Even with Cardassian cooperation, it's still >hard to get a good, quick team these days. >AKANE: You're a little more pensive than usual, Ryouga. Kyosuke> 'Pensive'? Hey Nene, grab that dictionary again, will ya'? Nene> 'Pensive'- (adverb) thoughtful; melancholic. Josh> I think the authors have just about gone through about every emotion they're gonna squeeze of Ryouga. Nene> I think they've squeezed every bit of living energy out of us. >RYOUGA: When I listened to Ryodai's story, on how the Cardassians >treated him, and how he hurt as a result, it scared me. What would >have happened..if I didn't make it out of that mission and he did? Josh> We wouldn't have to read this story! Nene> "And there was much rejoicing..." All> Yaaaaay!!! >Would I now be seeing life through his eyes? Nene> Watch out! More thinking and emotions on starboard side! >UKYOU: You chose to help others. >RYOUGA: As long as there is a "maybe" around, Ucchan, I can't help >thinking..that could have been me out there. (pause) It makes me >appreciate what I've got here, with friends like you. Josh> (Audience awwws) Kyuosuke> (Audience retches) >RANMA: That's about what I said to Akane and Kasumi earlier. >AKANE: Yeah, we're all part of a family now. >EMIKO: (comes up to Ryouga with special Emiko Surprise Soda Float) >And don't you forget it, Ryouga. I don't make my special Emiko >Surprise Soda Floats for just anyone. >UKYOU: Nor I my special okonomiyaki. (pops out special okonomiyaki >from behind her, with heart and Starfleet insignia on it.) >So now..(slightly Yiddish tone) eat, eat, you're a growing boy! Josh> Eastwood impressions, Yiddish impressions from a Japanese girl, Oi. Kyosuke> Hey! My Jewish impression wasn't that bad! >(They all laugh as the Rumicprise sails into the unknown galaxy.) Josh> "The love boat, exciting and new....come aboard, we're expecting you..." >(Special Guest Cast) >Bernie Casey as Cal Hudson >Michelle Forbes as Ro Lauren >Avery Brooks as Ben Sisko >Nana Visitor as Major Kira Nerys >Siddig El Fadil as Dr. Julian Bashir >Rene Auberjonois as Constable Odo >(Also Starring) >Shauna Stilwell as Alicia Coolidge >Vivian Cheng as Emiko Sunaoshi >Majel Barrett as Computer Voice Nene> These guys definitely watch too much Star Trek. They know all the names. >Fight Scenes choreographed by Daniel Pesina and Gordon Shyr Josh> Fight scenes? Nene> Let's just skip all this jargon and get to the bottom. >Double for Ted Hsu: Gordon Shyr >Story written by Ted Hsu >Directed and Produced by Ted Hsu >Executive Producers T.D. Hsu and H.Y. Chan Josh> Take notes guys. Those are who we want to hunt down. >Special Visual Effects by Industrial Light and magic >Sound by Todd-AO and Modern Sound >Copyright 1994 Paramount Pictures, Takahashi Enterprises, Kyosuke> Takahashi Enterprises? Nene> These people are making this all up. Josh> Let's get out of here guys. >Saiki Partners and Sole Brother Productions Kyosuke> (Off screen) Yeah! I'll buy THAT for a dollar! ------------------------------------------- (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, K) Josh> Well, that wasn't TOO bad... Nene> I still think I should get you for this Josh. Kyosuke> On the bright side, they can't get any worse. Josh> Right, be optimistic. Nene> Of course... (silence ensues) Nene> Agggggghhhh! I can't take another that bad! Josh> Right! We need to find a way to get off the "Cellulite of Load". Kyosuke> In the meantime I suggest we keep on playing along until we can find a way to get out. Nene> I was hoping we wouldn't have to do that part... Josh> Well, time for a meaningless yet heartwarming and humorous skit. Nene> I'm hungry. Kyosuke> Me too. When's dinner? Josh> Ok, then. If you tell me one good thing about the Fanfic, I'll make you a snack. Nene> Are you kidding? Josh> 'Fraid not. Here. I'll go first. 1) On the bright side, the spelling wasn't too bad, and grammer notwithstanding the extreme use of ellipses, was fairly well done. Of course, I’m not an English major. (Close enough to one, BUT...) I'm sure "Magical Girl Fanfic Theater" or "Mystery Fanfic Commentary Theater 3000" could probably do a better job at pointing those out. (motions to Nene) Nene? Nene> Ok. 2).......ummm....(taps head)...Ok! Um... Josh> We'll get back to you. Kyosuke? Kyosuke> Oi....Ok! 3) It provided a deeper outlook into the inner workings of Ryouga's psychological makeup. Josh> What?! Nene> Speak English (or Japanese), please. Kyosuke> It portrayed all of Ryouga's emotions (evil or otherwise). Josh> Interesting. What's your analysis, Nene? Nene> Well, the dialogue was somewhat cut and dried (especially during the fight scenes), the story suffered from CROSSOVER CRISIS, and had a few continuity problems, Ie., Captain Hsu, who looked like Ryouga for no reason. This was never really clarified or expanded upon. It seems like the author had the idea of connecting Hsu to the Evil Ryouga, but later changed the story, and thus, what we read remains. Perhaps Theodore is planning to expand on the idea in the next episode as to WHY the Captain looks like him, but I'm rather doubtful on this aspect. One final thing I'd like to point out is that characters in the story itself seemed fairly out of their usual mannerisms. Josh> (stares at the animes but says nothing) ...... N&K> What are you staring at? Josh> Uhh, nothing. Continue. (nods to Nene) Nene> Ahem! Anyway, were this TRUE 'Ranma 1/2', I'd think Ryouga would rather burn in hell than serve under Ranma. Ranma didn't say one stupid thing, and Akane didn't beat him silly for any reason. In fact, were the Ranma names not used, I would say this is a fairly regular episode of Star Trek (or some bizarre reincarnation of it). Kyosuke> Geez, Nene. Windir would make a good match for you! Nene> Who? Josh> (stops staring and shakes his head) Well, that's all rather fascinating, but I'm afraid those are not really GOOD points. Nene> Well...It did have its good points, ie. some of the plot wasn't too farfetched for a Star Trek story, except for the fight in the arena. The author DID make an attempt at mixing sci-fi and anime. Crossovers aren't always easy. He could have done worse. Josh> (hesitates) Eh, we've run out of time anyway. Here's your snack. Nene> Arigato! (wolfs it down) Kyosuke> Say, you don't suppose we're being too harsh on old Ted, do ya? Josh> Well, K...perhaps. But in the end, it's all in good fun. I'm actually quite thrilled with anyone who can write fiction or even attempts it. (editor's note: anybody interested in this, read the disclaimer below) (Light flashes) Nene> Hey, the Manga-Mad's are calling. Josh> Yup. What do you ponder, sirs? (Taps light) (Creep 13) EVIL CARL> Frank! Leave that VCR alone! (Turns to screen) Well, booby, you and your little friends made it through this time. Don't think you'll be so lucky next episode. I've got a slew of bad Fanfics ready to be launched at a minute's notice. TV's FRANK 2> Gosh Dr. M! You're so EVIL! Uhhh...where's the plug adapter? EVIL CARL> Why, thank you Frank! There's one connected to the water cooler. Just don't use it too long. (Looks back at screen) Frank thought he'd watch some old Star Trek episodes just to pass the time. By the way "manga-boy", next time we do an experiment, we'll be doing an "Anime-Exchange." We tell you our new anime ideas, and you tell us yours! (C.O.L.) Josh> You don't scare us, guys! We'll get back at you someday! (Creep 13) EVIL CARL> I'm shaking in my boots, fan-boy! Hope you enjoy your stay! (C.O.L.) Kyosuke> Ok, maybe I was going a little overboard when I said nothing could be worse. Nene> It IS worse. Josh> (sigh) (Creep 13) EVIL CARL> Well, see you later Animator! Ha ha ha! Uhh...push the button, Frank. TV'S FRANK 2> Which button? EVIL CARL> WHICH BUTTON? That one...oh, here I'll do it. It's so hard to do anything WITH an assistant. (motions to panel) THIS button, Frank. EVIL CARL> THIS button? EVIL CARL: FRANK! THE PLUG! --------------------------------------------------- Well, that's that. My thanks go out to the original MST3K and the Hou Bang for inspiring me. I started this project a few days ago from about May 29th, 1995 to April 10th, 1995. I had read Hou Bang's Bad Bubblegum Crisis FanFic Theatre and loved it. Thought I'd expand on the idea and do a Ranma FanFic and plan to do other BAD (lame, etc) Anime FanFics in the future. This was my first attempt, so don't yell! Added Note: Been updating this file, nitpicking it, making sure it was more entertaining and not TOO insulting. I don't want to become the Flame-Thrower Nazi Regime of Anime Fanfiction...Hoping that it is released SOON. 12-12-96 To Hou Bang> Some of these jokes belong to you, but I hope you don't mind that I took the liberty of borrowing some such as "This story thing hurts my head", and that 'Heavy' joke from Back to the Future. To Reader> And that's it. By the way, read some of Hou Bang's Bad Bubblegum Crisis FanFic. It's GumBallistic! If you enjoyed this title, you can find these related groups who C&C anime fanfics at your local library...err, Anime C&C Web site: 1. "Magical Girl Fanfic Theater" by Peter L. Ward (I think they C&C each other more than anything, but still good. Poor, hopeless Natsumi!) 2. "Mystery Fanfic Commentary Theatre 3000" by John Walter Biles (latest ones have been hilarious) 3. "The Institut Rats" by Mike Loader and Mad Wombat Ent. Fnord. (These are pretty good, but so few! Love the accents built into the text!) 4. "Sebastian" by Sebastian (Not too bad. They show promise. Need to see more.) 5. "Windir, Frito, and Lyra" by Travis Butler (The characters work so well together! It's pretty damn funny, too.) Leave all comments, suggestions, or complaints at E-Mail address: Joshua-kun@juno.com or j_kun@lni.net LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO: RANMA 1/2 and all characters involved in the said series were created by Takahashi Rumiko. Nene is from Bubblegum Crisis & Crash and is (c) Copyright of Artmic/Youmex Productions. Kyosuke is from Kimagure Orange Road and I have NO idea where he belongs, perhaps Animeigo? Deep Space Nine is Copyright of Paramount Pictures. Copyright Notice and such crap: (I stole this from Hou Bang too! Just kidding!) This work is 50% original, and 50% satire. Any references to persons, ghosts, spirits or animes, is totally intended, (except when we're talking real people. In that case it isn't intended except in cases of satire.) Thanks go to Takahashi Rumiko, Hou Bang, and all the fun-loving Anime's of the world. Oh, and you, the reader! Thank you most of all! Copyright (c)1997, Michigan Anime/Manga Association --------------------------------------------------------------------- To Nene's & Kyosuke's kin and friends: They won't be home for dinner tonight. Trust me on this. About the author and character Josh- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= In his spare time, Josh like to watch anime, read manga, eat ramen, eat pepper steak, eat, write, draw, make snappy comments about people's obvious fashion fau paux, can be found running an Anime/Manga Association in Michigan, writing his comic "Sukeru Meiwaku", and needlessly wasting his life away. Oh yeah, he's also a Senior in High School. Give him crap and he'll sue you for all you're worth. (Well, maybe 50% of what you're worth, he's not greedy.) He enjoys spending time with his anime friends on the Cellulite of Load. About the Character Nene Romanova- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=- Retired from the Knight Sabers and AD police business, she spends all her time with Josh and Kyosuke (hell, she has no choice!) reading to them at bedtime, tucking in their covers, eating all the food in Cellulite of Load and still keeping a girlish figure, while keeping Josh & Kyosuke in line. She tolerates them both, and likes them as friends, but would still like to go on with her OWN life. She a good computer hacker, and manages to bring a sparkle of Kawaii-ness to the group. Cute red-head. About the Character Kyosuke Kasuga- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-= Kyosuke spends his time reading his friends' minds, annoying Nene, writing letters to Earth and getting them returned because he has no stamps, annoying the Manga-Mads, acting totally unlike his character, annoying Josh, constantly yelling out the name 'Ayukawa' at the most inappropriate times (like at the dinner table or on the crapper), did I mention annoying someone? Loves to read GOOD FANFIC and spending time with his pals, Nene & Josh. About the Manga-Mads- Who Cares? They're evil and that's it. PHASE OUT! ----------------------------------------------- Copyright (c)1997 Michigan Anime/Manga Association | Joshua Comics, Inc. UKYOU: "So now...(Slightly Yiddish tone)..eat, eat, you're a growing boy!"