At 08:06 PM 2/24/97 -0500, you wrote:
Okay, I finished the rest of part 2. Hope this makes it out before WW
shuts down the list. C&C appreciated, of course. If you're writing a
non-Ranma fic, you might even be able to convince me to read it and
C&C on it if you C&C mine. 8)
Enjoy...
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BGC/WHO: Slipt, part 2.
It was several hours before Ace and the Doctor arrived at what
could loosely be termed civilization. A small electric lantern allowed
them to pick and scrabble their way towards the city, across the canyon
along the only major thoroughfare which had been cobbled together since
the last great Kanto quake of 2025 to bridge it, and into the dangerous
side of Tokyo that had the disheartening appearance of one huge,
run-down trailer park. It was the worst place to begin asking questions
about what might have caused their troubles the evening before, and the
worst time of the day, when the dawn was just beginning to creep over
the sleeping giant of a city, stirring it to reluctant, wary
wakefulness.
Naturally, it was there that they began.
Nice sarcasm/irony...doesn't it allways work that way though?
A thundering horde of motorbikes roared past them on the street.
Most of the bikers headed left down a side street ahead of them.
A huge, crudely shaven brute wearing an earring sporting a
skeletal, but clearly human finger pulled up in front of a bar across
the street. His motorbike was a hulking monster, idling at a dull
roar, with the moniker "Cranks" neoned onto the gas tank. The unfortunate
bouncer at the bar's door was shoved bodily through the wall, the crash
and sickening wet slapping sound audible even over the motorcycle's
engine. Moments later, the street was almost quiet again.
A note here: you don't make the fact that there was a CRASH very
evident...the reader has to figure out that the 'brute' drives the bouncer
throught the wall. The problem is that the words 'pulled up' imply a
orderly parking - you should probably reword it so the impact of the 'rough
and tumble' place is greater. (Ie, imply violence more directly when the
bike appraoches.) Because of the lower impact, the next bit doesn't make
the kind of impact I feel it deserves, this being Megatokyo. It would help
if the randomness and violence were emphasised just a bit sooner, say, pick
up a few more violent adverbs to replace such things as 'idled' and 'headed'.
"Professor," Ace whispered, "I don't like it. Let's go back."
"Nonsense," he replied. "We've only just arrived. We haven't even had
breakfast yet."
Ace glanced around the street. Nearly a mile away, a woman
screamed shrilly, then fell silent in mid-scream. "I'm not very
hungry."
From a trailer at the end of a dirt cul-de-sac, a pair of
intensely brown eyes followed them down the street suspiciously.
"Shit," muttered a woman's voice just inside.
* * *
"Priss, you can't be sure they had anything to do with it," a
short, redheaded girl said. The short redhead in question was leaning
against a wall in a meticulously neat storage room. Several boxes were
carefully piled in short stacks in a far corner. Most were labeled
"Silky Doll".
Hey! Describe Nene more throughly and less repettively! You do for Sylia,
Linna and Priss, adding emotional tone to their intro, so Nene seems
undescribed...and having a line that reads 'short, redheaded girl said. The
short redhead in question..'is destracting. Repetitiveness is not good.
Other than that, the entire section works very well, kudos for doing a great
sceene.
"Oh yeah? Explain those two strangers showing up in *that*
district of MegaTokyo the morning after we saw that--that *thing*." This
time it was a taller woman wearing a biker jacket. Those same intensely
brown eyes hammered unmercifully against an innocent dust bunny drifting
across the floor for a full three seconds, before she turned to gaze at
the lady standing across from her.
Lady, was all the description Sylia needed. Her demeanor spoke
Though a certain comma needs to be removed. There is no reason for a pause
after 'lady' here, and it breaks the flow of the sentence.
of an inner calm that radiated outward, sweeping away Priss's low,
rumbling anger. She wore a small, practiced smile which flicked to
cover the other three women present.
<snip section>
<and snip a really neat description of a tough barkeep>
The Doctor sipped at a purplish concoction the bartender had
claimed was a fruit drink. "In a city this size, there are too many
possibilities. Ideas, Ace? I don't fancy going door to door, asking
who's been mucking about with the continuum."
"How about that big tower? They look big enough to do
anything." "I believe that's Genom's headquarters," the Doctor replied.
"They're a big, multinational conglomerate, probably big enough for
anything, you're right." He leaned back in seeming thoughtful
contemplation, his eyes wandering to settle on a point half a meter to
her left.
"Professor, are we going, then?" Ace ventured after another
minute. The Doctor waved at the vidscreen behind her. "Shh. Look at
the lower left one."
Ace looked. "Do the Cybermen have ugly cousins?" she muttered
in surprise.
The telecast was either silent, or drowned out by the din of
voices, clattering plates and silverware, creaking chairs. A pair of
hulking robots were slowly walking down a debris-littered street,
glancing at the fearful passerby. The arms and legs were fairly crude
in appearance, lacking a human amount of detail, and colored mostly
charcoal gray. Their movements seemed smoothly human enough, though the
faces were anything but. Cold, red lenses glared out of skull-shaped
constructions affixed directly to their torsos, without intervening
necks. Their slow, methodical pace, stopping every twenty meters or so
to look around, was unmistakable. They were searching for something.
This though, is either a plot point that needs clairification, or a
discription that needs more work, Imo, though perhaps I'm being overly harsh
and demanding. The the discription conjured the image of a T-800 the first
time I read it, rather than a boomer - easily enough cured by a bit of
discription of the way Boomer Muscles are built (IE, blocky and steroided,
even on an android. With the sole exception of the Sexaroids and Adama, who
Imho doesn't count, all 'mechanical' looking boomers are like that..even
Largo, to an extent.) On the other hand, If the difference signifies that
it's a new type of boomer, or perhaps a difrent kind of creature, than
perhaps one of the patrons could remark on it.
The patrons below had noticed the robots as well, apparently.
Another vidscreen was hanging below the balcony, next to the bartender's
counter. The din had muted perceptibly, and the crowd was swelling
slightly as people hurried inside and huddled around the now cramped
tables.
"Professor, isn't that the bar where--" Ace began, then stopped
as the robots broke into a run, on the vidscreen. The Doctor nodded
tersely. "Time to leave, Ace." He gave her backpack, sitting on the
floor next to their table, a gentle kick. "I hope you packed your nitro
nine. We just may need it."
<more sniping>
off, nothing to see now. Move along!"
Priss took a quick glance inside. The restaurant itself was a
shambles. Part of the balcony had fallen in, ripping a gaping hole in
the floor underneath. The stage was undamaged, though it was unlikely
that the concert would take place on schedule. The boomer was in
pieces, scattered all over the room, covered in reddish-orange
lubricating goo. His chest had been blown apart entirely, it seemed.
Try 'Its' chest. Boomers of the attack variety are definitly 'Its'
Moments later, the van pulled away from the restaurant, taking
the girl she had seen that morning with it. Hesitating only for a
moment, she crossed the street and entered a public calling booth,
dialing a number from memory.
Well, it is interesting...Unfortunately, I'm not up on enough DrWho to
really know what his personality is like, but your writing is good, and the
story looks interesting so far. Keep it up, and I look forward to the next
bit. I may even toss a few more lines of slande-er, C&C your way if I see it
when the Ml comes back up. Or even before.
Wyldfire the wanderer.