Subject: NARRABUNDAH 1/2 - Volume II, chapter 5
From: Ratbat
Date: 2/23/1997, 5:21 PM
To: Fanfix


                               
                         NARRABUNDAH 1/2
                               
                by Urac Sigma with Suzy Styles
                               
                               
                    Volume II, chapter five
                               
                    Minasan - Dare Desuka?
                               
                               
                      CAST OF CHARACTERS
                               
                               
                       SIGMATOME RATBAT
                         Chiropteran!
                               
                          TENDO SUZY
                            Otaku!
                               
                          TENDO NIKI
                          Blackmail!
                               
                       SIGMATOME NICOLE
                          Estranged!
                               
                         SIGMATOME LEN
                            Panda!
                               
                          TENDO BOBBI
                            Mother!
                               
                          TENDO FIONA
                            Sweet!
                               
                         KUNOU JARRAH
                           Samurai!
                               
                       HODJSUKE TIMOTHY
                           Servant!
                               
                        KUONJI COLLEEN
                             Chef!
                               
                          TOBOKI EUAN
                             Lost!
                               
                       HAPPOUSAI GRAHAM
                            Short!
                               
                          SAYURI KIM
                            Bouncy!
                               
                        HINOMIYA RUTHIE
                           Childish!
                               
                         GOSUNKUGI SAM
                            Magic!
                               
                            with a
                            SOLDIER




             TITLE SEQUENCE.

             [Opening  theme: Little Date (alternate version).
             Finishes  with  a  voice-over from  Suzy  and  an
             appropriate art-card.]

SUZY [VO]:   Minasan - Dare Desuka?



             1. KOCHAN'S.

             [CAPTION:  Neribanda, Japan - Sunday 10 September
             1995 ]

             [Shortly   after  the  events  of  last  episode.
             Ratbat-chan,   Suzy,  Bobbi,  Colleen   and   Len
             [panda].  Ratbat is wearing an 'Oh-Glenda-you're-
             so-stoopid' expression while talking to Len.]

RATBAT:      Just  to  clarify  here, Chichi...you  told  Haha
             that  you'd raise me to be a man among men. This,
             I  might add, is right before we go on a training
             trip, correct?

LEN:         Mrarg.

             [Len nods.]

RATBAT:      Now,  on  this  training trip, I -  the  one  you
             promised would come back as a man - ends up as  a
             girl. Am I still on track?

LEN:         Mrowf.

RATBAT:      In  fact,  it  is not until after I  return  from
             this  training trip as a girl do you reveal  that
             if  you break your promise we have to both commit
             seppuku!!

             [She  really shouts the last bit, and Len visibly
             shrinks back. He holds up a sign saying 'Well,  I
             suppose you COULD see it that way.'.]

RATBAT:      How  does having huge chibusa reconcile with your
             image of a man?

             [Len  spins  the sign, and it now  reads  'A  man
             with huge breasts, maybe?'.]

RATBAT:      Berk.

SUZY:        Anyway, you call them huge?

RATBAT:      What - against those? Aye, soone.

SUZY:        In your little eechi dreams.

RATBAT:      Dare wa eechi da?!

COLLEEN:     [Sigh]  Don't tell me - they're always  at  this,
             right?

             [Bobbi nods.]

COLLEEN:     Right.

             [She  spins both Suzy and Ratbat around  to  face
             her.  She suddenly flips up their tops, and  uses
             her  hands  to size everything up (this  takes  a
             while   on   Ratbat).   She  withdraws,   looking
             professional.]

COLLEEN:     Same.  There  you go. You're the  same  size  all
             round.

             [Ratbat   and  Suzy  are  standing   there   with
             completely  stunned expressions on  their  faces.
             Bobbi,  mindful of proceedings, pulls their  tops
             back down. They barely notice.]

RATBAT:      I feel used.

SUZY:        I feel turned on.

             [Everyone  looks  over at her, and  she  realises
             what she just said.]

RATBAT:      'Turned on'?

SUZY:        What? I didn't say that! No, I said 'used',  same
             as you. Hai.

RATBAT:      Didn't sound like it.

SUZY:        Eeeeeeeto...it's  my accent.  That's  it.  See...
             'tsukau',  'shigeki suru'...sound almost  exactly
             the same, right?

RATBAT:      Iie.

SUZY:        Han...Ratbat no baka!

             [Gets it out and bonks her.]

BOBBI:       Suzy-chan!  Ratbat-chan! This  isn't  getting  us
             anywhere!

RATBAT:      Hai.  [To  Len] Are ye sure she said  seppuku?  I
             know  you're memory's a bit shocking. Are you  it
             wasn't  more  like 'anyway, it doesn't  count  if
             Ratbat happens to fall in a magic spring, and  in
             any  event,  the  most  I'll  do  is  get  a  bit
             disappointed in you'?

             [Len thinks, then shakes his head.]

RATBAT:      Chikusho. So what, do we do a runner?

BOBBI:       Iie.  Your gakko's bad enough as it is.  What  we
             do  is  we keep you both in your cursed  forms  -
             it's  easier  to  avoid hot water  than  cold.  I
             think.  Or that could be mud. Anyway, this  [Len]
             is your pet panda - an ordinary, common panda.

SUZY [Dry]:  As  is, of course, owned by many teenagers across
             Japan.

BOBBI:       Mochiron.  And  you, my red-haired  little  girl,
             are   my   daughters'  visiting   cousin,   Tendo
             Komoriko.

             [On  Ratbat's dumbfounded reaction.  She  blinks.
             Dissolve.]



             2. OUTSIDE TENDO DOJO.

             [Establishing shot.]

NICOLE [OOV]:Oh, no...a training journey?

             [It's  one of those things, really. The  previous
             line  would  have  been something  like  'They've
             gone  on  a  training journey,' and by  repeating
             it,  Nicole would be looking about half as  smart
             as she really is.]



             3. ENTRY HALL.

             [Bobbi is here, talking to Nicole.]

BOBBI:       Hai...that's right. They won't be back  for...oh,
             ages.

NICOLE:      Ano...that's   disappointing.   [Brightens]   Oh,
             well...at  least I'll get to see  your  daughters
             again.

             [Bobbi  has a mixed expression: She was  kind  of
             hoping that Nicole might decide to leave at  this
             point.]

BOBBI:       Yes, come through...

             [She leads Bobbi through.]



             4. LIVING ROOM.

             [Bobbi brings Nicole in. Already here are Ratbat-
             chan, Niki, Suzy, Fiona and Len the panda.]

BOBBI:       It's  been  a  while  since  you  saw  them  all,
             Nicole, but these are my daughters... Fiona...

FIONA:       Hajimemashite.

BOBBI:       Niki...

NIKI:        Hi.

BOBBI:       Suzuran--

SUZY:        Oi!

             [She pulls her mallet out and wields it.]

BOBBI:       Er, Suzy. Just Suzy, nothing else. [Whew]

             [Suzy tosses the mallet aside and it bounces  off
             Ratbat's head.]

SUZY:        Ohayo.

BOBBI:       ...and  this  is their cousin, who  has  come  to
             stay with us for a while, Komoriko.

RATBAT:      Ohayo.

NICOLE:      Komoriko...  Nee, I don't think I've  heard  about
             you  before...are you from Bobbi's  side  or  the
             girls' father's side?

             [Ratbat is lost. She has no idea about any  Tendo
             family  outside  the four she  lives  with.  Niki
             leaps to the rescue.]

NIKI:        Umm...this is her pet panda!

             [She grabs Len and sticks him in Nicole's face.]

LEN:         Mrowf!

             [Nicole  laughs,  steps  back  and  shakes  Len's
             hand.]

NICOLE:      Ohayo  gozaimasu,  panda-chan...and  what's  your
             name?

NIKI:        Ummm...that's it. Yeah, he's called Panda-chan!

NICOLE:      Really? What a nice name. Does he do any tricks?

RATBAT:      Un...

FIONA:       Hai,  Komoriko-chan has taught him  to  read  and
             write...and even to drink Scotch and play shogi!

             [As  Nicole  turns back to Len,  Bobbi  looks  at
             Fiona quizzically. Aside to her, she says:]

FIONA [Low]: There's  no  way he's going to remember  to  stop
             doing  those  things, even if he is  a  panda...I
             thought that this was the best way.

BOBBI [Low]: That makes sense.

NICOLE:      Ja...he sounds just like Len!

             [Everyone laughs nervously.]

SUZY:        Hai!  That's  right. In fact, sometimes  we  even
             forget,  and  call Panda-chan Len.  [Babbling]  I
             just  thought I'd mention it. You know,  in  case
             you  heard  us  call the panda Len and  then  you
             thought  that  it was Len only it  can't  be  Len
             because it's a panda. So, don't think that Panda-
             chan's  Len. Because he's not. He's a panda.  And
             Len isn't.

             [Realises  that everyone is looking  at  her  and
             cringes.]

SUZY:        Sumimasen.

             [She puts a bucket over her head.]

FIONA:       Come  along, Sigmatome-san. I'll show you to  our
             guest room.

             [She leads Nicole from the room. Niki glances  at
             Ratbat,  then briefly follows. Ratbat missed  her
             look.]

RATBAT:      A  guest room. This gaff has a guest room. If I'd
             known  that  sixteen hours ago, this  would  have
             been a much easier day.

SUZY [Low]:  Ratti...

RATBAT:      Un?

SUZY [Low]:  Don't  you think that while your Haha's here,  if
             you're  supposed to be someone else, it might  be
             an  idea to at least try to speak with a Japanese
             accent?

RATBAT:      Do wha'? Dinna ken what ye're talking about.

SUZY [Low]:  Do   you...ken  that  she'll  force  you  to   do
             yourself in if she works out who you are?

RATBAT [Mafune Toshiro's voice dubbed on]: Iidesuka?

             [Suzy  nods,  a  really weird expression  on  her
             face.]

SUZY:        Maybe you could try a little less...

RATBAT:      Hai, I see what you mean...

             [Suddenly,  Euan  leaps  in  through  the   front
             window/door.]

EUAN:        SIGMA--

             [He  gets  no further as Suzy and Ratbat suddenly
             plow his face into the ground.]

EUAN [Muffled]:   Nan da yo?

RATBAT:      I  am  not  Sigmatome Ratbat. Ye havena--  [sigh]
             You  have not seen Sigmatome Ratbat for  days.  I
             am  Tendo Komoriko. I am a cousin to Tendo  Suzy,
             Tendo Niki, and Tendo Fiona.

             [She lets Euan's head up.]

EUAN:        Why should I help you out?

RATBAT:      It   would   certainly  be  conducive   to   good
             relations around here, I can tell you that much.

SUZY:        Come  on,  Euan. You can settle your  score  with

             Ratbat after her mother leaves.

             [Euan  looks  at  her. He ain't gonna  do  diddly
             what  Ratbat says, but he's got the panting  hots
             for Suz.]

EUAN:        [Sigh] OK.

             [Nicole returns to the room.]

NICOLE:      Did   I   hear   the  beginnings  of   the   name
             'Sigmatome'  being  bellowed  out  at  an  Earth-
             shattering volume just now?

SUZY:        Han...iie.  It  was just...uh,  Euan  here,  he's
             Greek,  and  he sometimes likes to try to...teach
             us  his  alphabet. That's why he called out  'Sigma',
             which  is  by a huge coincidence, the same  sound
             as  the beginning of your surname, Sigmatome. And
             Ratbat's.  Only Ratbat's not here,  remember,  so
             there's  no  way he could have been  calling  out
             for  Ratbat.  Yeah? Yeah, good one, Suz.  [Pause]
             [Self]  Fuck,  I said it out loud again.  [Aside,
             to Ratbat] The next crappy explanation's on you.

             [She leaves. Euan turns to Ratbat.]

EUAN [Sotto]:Did you ever tell her?

RATBAT [Sotto]:   Nan?

EUAN [Sotto]:Her  [indicates  Nicole]  -  about  us.  How   we
             were...how shall we say...on.

             [Unfortunately,  Nicole  isn't  as  deaf  as  all
             that.]

NICOLE:      Oh, how wonderful!

EUAN & RATBAT:    Buh?

NICOLE:      Oh,  forgive  me, Komoriko-chan. But  when  Fiona
             was  telling  me  how much time  you  spend  with
             Panda-chan, teaching him to read and  write,  I'd
             feared   that   you   didn't  have   many   human
             friends...but  now  I  see  that  you've  got   a
             boyfriend! Komoriko, I'm so happy for you...

             [She  leaves the room. Ratbat looks at Euan.  She
             goes into uberkawaii mode.]

RATBAT:      Hey  -  looks  like we're going to be  giving  it
             another go!

EUAN:        I hate you.

             [Ratbat sticks her tongue out at him. Dissolve.]



             5. QUAD.

             [Suzy  emerges  to find a small  crowd  gathering
             towards  one side of the quad. She tries to  peer
             over people, but it's no good. A youth wearing  a
             school  uniform,  with blonde  hair  and  glasses
             passes her, eating something.]

GOSUNKUGI:   Morning, Suz.

             [Suzy  tries to ask the question, but he's  gone.
             (I  lied.  He's still Gosunkugi. It  just  suited
             him  too  much.) Another student comes up  behind
             Suzy.  She  is  quite small, with shoulder-length
             black hair, wearing overalls.]

SAYURI:      Su-Su-Su-Suzyyy!

             [She  tries  to  jump up to see, but  she's  even
             smaller than Suzy.]

SAYURI:      What's going on? Huh? Huh?

SUZY:        Wakaranai.

             [She pauses, then holds a hand out to her.]

SUZY:        Climb up.

             [Sayuri  uses  the  hand to  hoist  herself  onto
             Suzy's shoulders. She looks.]

             [Colleen   has   set  up  a  small  barbecue-like
             affair,  and  is going at it making  okonomiyaki,
             occasionally  passing them out  to  the  gathered
             students.]

SAYURI:      Free food!!

             [She jumps up from Suzy's shoulders, bounces  off
             her  head,  then leaps into the crowd. We  follow
             her,  then  pan back down to Suzy, who  now  lies
             crumpled on the ground.]

SUZY:        Of  course,  I  could have asked a tall  student,
             but no...

             [Niki  comes  to  her side.  She  stoops  to  her
             sister.]

NIKI:        Why,  Suz...how kind of you to prostrate yourself
             before me!

SUZY:        Oh, I call it second nature...

             [Niki  helps  Suzy to her feet,  briefly  looking
             about  as  she does so. In short, she's a  little
             distracted.]

             [Elsewhere, Ruthie-sensei appears on the scene.]

RUTHIE:      Hey!  You're  taking  income  from  the  canteen!
             That's bad!

             [She  holds out her coin. Colleen sees  this  out
             of   the  corner  of  her  eye,  and  tosses   an
             okonomiyaki to her.]

RUTHIE:      Wheeeee! Free food!

             [She  gleefully starts to eat it, and skips away.
             Ratbat-chan comes up behind Colleen.]

RATBAT:      Howyeh, Kochan.

COLLEEN:     Hey, Ratchan.

             [Ratbat tries to work something out.]

RATBAT:      What  are  ye  doing  here? I thought  ye  didnae
             start at Narrabundah College until Wednesday.

COLLEEN:     I  don't.  But doing freebies like this not  only
             keeps  me  in  practice, it  also  provides  some
             advertising for the shop.

             [She  shows Ratbat an okonomiyaki, which has  the
             Kochan's logo on it in sauce.]

RATBAT:      Ha. Nice one.

             [We  find  Kunou at the other side of  the  quad,
             eating an okonomiyaki. Tim is nearby.]

TIM:         So,  Kunou-sama...you don't want to strike Kuonji
             down any longer, girl or otherwise?

KUNOU:       Timothy...a  wise  man will know  that  a  futile
             conflict  provides  no  feast  for  the  soul  of
             battle.

TIM:         So...you're not beating her up because  she  gave
             you free food.

KUNOU:       That's about the size of it.

             [Kunou suddenly starts and half doubles-over.]

KUNOU:       What hell-fiend has--

             [Tim  works  it out and stoops to the ground.  He
             lifts  up  Kunou's  robe,  and  Happousai  Graham
             walks out.]

GRAHAM:      Damn!  It's just a robe. I thought it might  have
             been a dress.

KUNOU:       What manner of man are you?

GRAHAM:      I  could  ask you the same question.  What  d'you
             think you're playing at, interrupting an old  man
             in his declining years!?

TIM:         'Declining years'? How old are you?

GRAHAM:      Muhaha.  Why, I can remember Shatner  before  the
             toupee.

KUNOU:       I  would ask thee thy name, but my code of honour
             demands  that  I  introduce  myself  first.  Very
             well.  I am kempo champion, and president of  all
             of  this gakko's martial arts societies. My skill
             in  combat is unsurpassed in my peer group! I  am
             Kunou   Jarrah   -  Narrabundah   College's   Aoi
             Ikazuchi!

             [Holds  his  rubber sword aloft.  As  in  chapter
             one,  lighting plays around in the vicinity. This
             time,  the heavens open, and the rain falls  from
             the  sky.  Everyone  screams and  starts  to  run
             inside.]

GRAHAM:      And your sword's made of rubber.

KUNOU:       Curse  you that you should have such a keen  eye!
             Hai,  I  once had a fine and traditional  bokken,
             one  that  I  could wield better than any  blade,
             but it was lost to me in battle!

TIM:         Yeah. Ratbat set it on fire.

GRAHAM:      Oh...Ratbat. That would be Sigmatome Ratbat,  nee?
             Well,  well...my  name's  Happousai  Graham,   my
             young warrior.

             [He  pulls  a  couple of cans  of  Guinness  from
             hammerspace and offers one to Jarrah.]

GRAHAM:      Walk  with me to the car park. There's  a  couple
             of things I think we should talk about...



             6. KITCHEN.

             [Bobbi,  Fiona  and  Nicole  are  here.  After  a
             moment,  Suzy  and  Ratbat  walk  in,  home  from
             school.]

SUZY [Self]: She's not here, either.

BOBBI:       Dare?

RATBAT:      Niki.  She's been acting odd and avoiding us  all
             day.

FIONA:       Yes...I noticed earlier.

             [Fiona's not clueless, she's keeping shtum, OK?]

NICOLE:      Oh, come now! Surely you must have guessed!

SUZY:        Atete mita?

NICOLE:      You're  both  girls yourselves, you  should  have
             seen it...Niki-chan is in love!

             [Ratbat  looks confused. Suzy starts to piece  it
             together.  Bobbi  worked  it  out  yesterday  (or
             rather,  got  it  wrong yesterday  and  now  it's
             right). Suzy and Ratbat back out of the room.]



             7. LIVING ROOM.

RATBAT:      Ye think you know it?

SUZY:        I  just got it...she hasn't been avoiding me  all
             day.  She was with me for all of lunchtime, while
             you were off talking to Colleen.

RATBAT:      Nee, I told ye...her and me, we're just--

SUZY:        Urusai. I'll pick on you about that another  day.
             It hasn't been me - it's you!

RATBAT:      Um...are you saying what I think you're saying?

SUZY:        No,  I'm not saying that thing about penii again.
             Don't  pretend you still don't get it - Niki  has
             fallen for you!

             [Her  face  turns  to shocked  as  Nicole  enters
             behind Ratbat.]

NICOLE:      What was that?

SUZY:        Han...sorry,   Sigmatome-san,  you   interrupted.
             Niki  has fallen for...you know who I mean...that
             guy in...um...Melbourne.

             [Screws up her face.]

SUZY:        Excuse me, I have to go powder my collar.

             [Exit Suzy.]

RATBAT:      Han...yes. I will help you.

             [She  starts  to  follow,  but  Nicole  restrains
             her.]

NICOLE:      Eeto...could  I  talk  to  you  for   a   moment,
             Komoriko-chan?

RATBAT [fake accent slipping]:   Hai, Okaasan.

NICOLE:      It migh-- [Pause] Did you just call me 'mother'?

RATBAT:      Och,   I  mean,  Oh,  um...I  just  do  that   to
             everyone...uh, Sigmatome-san! I just somehow  got
             into  the habit of calling all females older than
             me 'okaasan'! Un, right!

             [At  this  point, Niki is trying to pass  through
             unnoticed,  but  Ratbat whirls around  and  faces
             her.]

RATBAT:      Hello, Okaasan!

             [Niki  breaks  out of her state  long  enough  to
             blink slowly at Ratbat.]

NIKI:        You are so weird.

             [She mopes out of the room.]

RATBAT:      Heeheeheeha. Gomenasai...is it a problem?

NICOLE:      Eeto...no, not at all, if that's what you do.

RATBAT:      Well, I'm glad we got that settled then. Bye!

             [Tries to leave again, but once more Nicole  gets
             her.]

NICOLE:      That  wasn't actually what I wanted  to  talk  to
             you about.

RATBAT:      Oh.

NICOLE:      Now,  it  might not be my place to say this...but
             it  looks  to me like you're having some  trouble
             with Euan.

RATBAT:      I'll                                         say.
             (Stupidlittlesodcan'tevengetoveronelittleaffairay
             earagoandtriestotellmewhomyfianceecanand--)
             [Realises]  Oh.  You  mean  my  *boyfriend*   Euan,
             right?

NICOLE:      Exactly.  It's just that...since I arrived,  I've
             noticed    that    you   two    haven't    always
             been...getting along terribly well.

RATBAT [Bad attempt at innocence]:    Na...what do you mean?

NICOLE:      When he came over for breakfast this morning,  he
             tried  to  knock you unconscious,  and  then  you
             tried to drown him in the duck pond.

RATBAT:      Oh aye. Um, hai. That.

NICOLE:      Now,  I  know that the two of you are young,  and
             you   probably   know  how  to   run   your   own
             lives...but I think I know what the problem is.

RATBAT:      ...

NICOLE:      You  just don't appeal to him properly, Komoriko!
             I know men - I've been married to one for twenty-
             two  years.  They're the same at  any  age.  They
             like to see a woman who is...female.

             [Ratbat  kneads  one of her lower  breasts  self-
             consciously.]

RATBAT [Starting to panic]: Ano...how am I not female...?

NICOLE:      Well,  I  don't  mean  it  like  that.  Obviously
             you're  female,  Komoriko-chan...it's  just  that
             you're not very...effeminate.

RATBAT:      Oh?

NICOLE:      Oh, look - I'll show you. Come with me...

             [She  starts  to  lead her worried-looking  'son'
             away.]

             [A  rough  explanation of what's happening  here:
             What  Nicole  is  after is a type  of  effeminity
             that  even  Ratbat thinks is too much. In  short,
             yes,  Nicole wants effeminate, while Ratbat  sees
             herself  more as feminine. In short, Nicole  sees
             that   the   best  way  for  a  female   with   a
             relationship in trouble to appeal to her  consort
             is to act like a sickly-sweet nine-year-old.]

RATBAT:      Oh...Sigmatome-san?  Could we  possibly  do  this
             another  time? I've just remember something  that
             I, er, have to do.

NICOLE:      Oh. Very well.

             [She smiles sweetly and goes.]

RATBAT [VO]: Yeah,   like  warn  Euan...we  might   have   our
             differences, but this is getting a bit much...

             [Exits.  Bobbi comes from the kitchen.  Sounds  a
             bit vague, talking to herself.]

BOBBI:       So  it  was what we thought. Niki fancies Ratbat.
             So  what does that mean for Suzy? Who likes  who?
             How  are our families going to be joined?  Ratbat
             has  to  be  engaged to one of the  Tendo  women.
             It's  not Fiona...but I don't think it's Niki  or
             Suzy either. [Squeak!] Ratbat must be engaged  to
             me!

             [Looks  terribly confused. Len the panda  happens
             along,  holding a sign saying 'Eh,  are  you  all
             right?' The befuddled Bobbi turns to him.]

BOBBI [Gone]:Will you marry me?

             [Len  frowns and slaps her on the head  with  the
             sign.  He then places a bottle of Scotch  in  her
             hands.]

BOBBI:       Hai...I think I need that.

             [Dissolve.]



             8. NIKI'S LAIR.

             [Evening/night. Niki is pacing.]

NIKI:        What to do, what to do...?!

NIKI [VO]:   Why  do  I feel this way? He's no different  than
             she was three days ago! Kami-sama...it's hard  to
             think  that not so long ago I was trying to avoid
             marrying her! But now...arrgghh...I want him!!

             [She  sits  at the desk and thumps it. Tears  are
             in her eyes.]

NIKI [VO]:   Nnnhh...there's only one thing for it.  Only  one
             person around here understands my sex life,  even
             if she is almost the worse person to go to...

             [Slowly gets to her feet.]



             9. SUZY'S ZONE.

             [Suzy  is  here, lying on her bed and looking  at
             the  ceiling, deep in thought. That seems to  be
             a popular past-time in this show.]

SUZY [VO]:   What   am   I  worried  about?  I  know   nothing
             happened.   It's...Ratbat,  for  Glenda's   sake.
             [Pause]  For fuck's sake, I mean. Hai. She's  not
             getting  to me, I'm not getting to her. I  didn't
             say  'Glenda', and she never says 'nerf'. [Pause]
             Oh  yeah?  Well if I'm so sure nothing  happened,
             how  come  I'm  not? True, she said  she  had  no
             interest  in  that kind of thing, but...how  easy
             is  that to say to someone?! I've only got  their
             little  act  on  Sunday  morning  to  speak   for
             anything! It could have been very different...

             [Dream transition.]



             10. NIKI'S LAIR.

             [A  dream sequence. Miraculously, though, not  in
             super-deformed.  Niki is lying  sprawled  on  the
             bed,  in...interesting lingerie, licking her lips
             in  that  sexy  way that makes people  think  you
             didn't  finish  your  lunch  properly.  The  door
             edges   open,  and  Ratbat-kun  enters,  carrying
             himself  like  some kind of screen idol.  Through
             the  whole  scene, Niki sounds like a  phone  sex
             line, and Ratbat like Mafune Toshiro.]

NIKI:        Say...you came early...

RATBAT:      I'm  terribly  sorry...it hasn't happened  to  me
             before.  Actually,  that fool locked  my  bedroom
             door.

NIKI:        My,   my,   my...you'd  almost  think   she   was
             encouraging us...

RATBAT:      Ha.  She doesn't suspect a thing. Baka. I  almost
             feel sorry for her.

NIKI:        Oh  no, baby...if you're going to feel something,
             feel me...

RATBAT:      Best damn offer I've had since...last night.

             [He  disrobes.  As he does, we can  see  (through
             the  LEOPARD-PRINT underwear that Suzy's seen fit
             to  imagine  for  him) that  he's  a  lot  better
             endowed  in  the  nobular  stakes  than  what  we
             actually saw way back in the pilot.]

NIKI:        Oh...fill me with your little babies.

RATBAT:      Bollocks  to  that.  Let's just  spend  the  time
             screwing instead.

NIKI:        Ah...you're  a  man after my own heart.  And  you
             know  what they say the quickest way to a woman's
             heart is...

             [Ratbat  goes  forward onto  the  bed,  and  they
             reach  for  each other. However, before  anything
             happens,  Brigadier  Lethbridge-Stewart  appears,
             and  starts wandering the room, clucking  like  a
             chicken.]

SUZY [VO]:   Chikusho. I hate it when my mind wanders!

             [We hear the sound of knocking on the door.]



             11. SUZY'S ZONE.

             [That  was the real door. Suzy sits up, a  fuming
             expression fading from her face.]

SUZY:        Come in.

             [The door opens to admit Niki, serious-faced  for
             a change.]

NIKI:        Suz...um...can I talk to you?



             12. HALLWAY.

             [Ratbat   comes  up  the  stairs,  muttering   to
             herself.]

RATBAT [Self]:     Nerf...I couldnae find Euan anywhere. Guess
             he'll  find out sooner or later. Still, at  least
             it got me out of Kaachan's way...

             [She  sees the open door to Suzy's Zone, and goes
             towards it. She gets there just as Suzy is  about
             to close the door.]

RATBAT:      Eh up - what's happening?

SUZY:        Umm...it's, uh, girl talk.

RATBAT:      Ja, I'm a girl!

SUZY:        Yeeeahhh  -  but  this  is,  like,  you  know,  a
             sisters-family thing.

RATBAT:      I'm all but family. I'm almost a sister.

             [Pause.]

SUZY:        No! You're almost a wife!

RATBAT:      So?

SUZY:        Ja...everyone  knows you don't talk  about  stuff
             in front of your wife!

             [Shuts  the  door.  Ratbat shakes  her  head  and
             walks away.]



             13. FRONT ROOM, KUNOU MANOR.

             [Track  with  Tim  as he enters carrying  a  tray
             with  two  Guinni  on it. As he approaches  Kunou
             and  Graham  sitting on the  sofas,  fade  up  on
             their voices.]

GRAHAM:      ...but  I  can't,  because  the  property  itself
             isn't mine.

KUNOU:       And  so,  you wish me to become your  student  in
             this endeavour.

GRAHAM:      Oh,  don't get me wrong, young Jarrah - you're  a
             fine warrior as it is, but in order to do this.

KUNOU:       Of  course, sensei, of course. 'Tis a fine  plan.
             You shalt live a long life.

GRAHAM [Deadpan]:  I  already  have, moron.  [Pause]  In  that
             case...I'd like to propose a toast.

             [They take their drinks from Tim's tray.]

GRAHAM:      To seiko to shippai!

KUNOU:       I'm sorry?

             [Graham smiles.]

GRAHAM:      To our success - and their failure.

             [Kunou smiles back, and they drink.]



             END CREDITS.

                           Tendo Suzy
                          SUZY STYLES
                               
                       Sigmatome Ratbat
                          URAC SIGMA
                               
                          Tendo Niki
                         NIKI O'BRIEN
                               
                         Sigmatome Len
                           LEN BOWEN
                               
                          Tendo Bobbi
                         ROBYN SCHOLES
                               
                       Sigmatome Nicole
                         NICOLE WYLIE
                               
                        Kuonji Colleen
                         COLLEEN HICK
                               
                          Toboki Euan
                          EUAN BOWEN
                               
                         Ruthie-sensei
                          RUTH CRABB
                               
                       Happousai Graham
                        GRAHAM HENSTOCK
                               
                         Hodjsuke Timothy
                           TIM HODGE
                               
                         Gosunkugi Sam
                           SAM SMITH
                               
                     Ratbat's other voice
                        MAFUNE TOSHIRO
                               
                         The Brigadier
                       NICHOLAS COURTNEY
                               
                               
                          written by
                          URAC SIGMA
                             with
                          SUZY STYLES
                               
                   creation and development
                          URAC SIGMA
                          SUZY STYLES
                          EUAN BOWEN
                         LEILA FETTER
                               
                       with apologies to
                       TAKAHASHI RUMIKO
                       (amongst others)
                               
    http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/1778/bundahalf.html
                               
                 © Recycadelic Cacti MCMXCVII