NARRABUNDAH 1/2
by Urac Sigma with Suzy Styles
Volume II, chapter four
Niki to Ratbat to Suzy... to Euan to Col to Kunou
CAST OF CHARACTERS
TENDO SUZY
No
SIGMATOME RATBAT
Kinda
TENDO NIKI
No
TENDO BOBBI
Occasionally
TENDO FIONA
No
SIGMATOME LEN
Yes
TOBOKI EUAN
Yes
SIGMATOME NICOLE
Yes
KUONJI COL
Yes, even if they are missing an arm
KUNOU JARRAH
No
HODJSUKE TIMOTHY
Usually no, but he does very briefly in this chapter
GOSUNKUGI SAM
Yes, even though he's just a dream here
HINOMIYA RUTHIE
Yes, but again, she's just a dream
TITLE SEQUENCE.
[Opening theme: Little Date (alternate version).
Finishes with a voice-over from Suzy and an
appropriate art-card.]
SUZY [VO]: Niki to Ratbat to Suzy...to Euan to Col to
Kunou.
1. NIKI'S LAIR.
[Still night-time. Actually a bit before the end
of last week's chapter. Ratbat (in his Chinese-
pattern night attire) and Niki (short black
satin pyjamas, covered in yen symbols) are both
in the bed, asleep. They move across each other
in their sleep, and we see that (unconsciously,
anyway) Niki doesn't really object to it.]
[CAPTION: Neribanda, Japan - Sunday 10 September
1995 ]
2. LIVING ROOM.
[Morning. Fiona has just finished laying the
table.]
FIONA [Calls]: Minasan...! Asagohan desuyo!
3. NIKI'S LAIR.
[We see the two accidental co-reposers looking
very cosy. There is a stirring.]
[ECU on Ratbat's face. He starts to open his
eyes, Fiona's call having roused him. Then his
eyes open big.]
[ECU on Niki's face. She starts to do the same.
Then she, too, stares.]
[From a better shot.]
NIKI & RATBAT: AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!
4. LIVING ROOM.
[Fiona, Len and Bobbi look up at the yell.]
5. SUZY'S ZONE.
[Suzy wakes up on hearing the yell. B-chan is
curled up in bed, and wakes up also.]
SUZY [Bleary]: Na...ni?
[Clad in her ever-present Totoro pyjamas, she
gets out of bed. She scoops up B-chan and lodges
him in her collar.]
SUZY: Can you ride there, B-chan? I think you can.
[B-chan hangs onto the edge of the collar for
dear life. Suzy exits.]
6. NIKI'S LAIR.
[Suzy arrives to see Fiona, Bobbi and Len
already here and looking. She pushes past them
to see what the fuss is about. When she sees,
she stops short, dislodging B-chan and sending
him disappearing down her top.]
B-CHAN [OOV]:Buiiiiiii!!
[Suddenly the pig noise stops, and a limp ginger
pig drops out of the bottom of Suzy's pyjama
top. No-one notices as he skulks off.]
[On Ratbat and Niki in the bed.]
RATBAT: Ee...han...
NIKI: Hm.
FIONA: Oh, my.
RATBAT: Och...now, this isnae what it looks like...
BOBBI: Sigmatome Ratbat! Am I to understand that you
have slept with my middle daughter!?
[Ratbat now wears a really strange expression.]
RATBAT: Chikusho. I was actually hoping it'd looked like
something else.
[Len's eyes go red.]
LEN: There's only one thing for this...
BOBBI: Hai! Ratbat can marry Niki now!
LEN: Our families'll still be joined!
[They get out the fans and start dancing, etc.]
RATBAT: But...
[Goes doki.]
RATBAT: I give up.
[Niki decides to go all sexy on him. She hasn't
embarrassed him for at least twelve hours now.]
NIKI: Oh - Ratti-chan! How can you pretend it was
nothing! Surely you felt something!
[Ratbat doesn't adapt well to this, particularly
with his fiance and future sister-in-law
staring at him from the other side of the room.]
RATBAT: Aye! I felt being asleep!
SUZY: Nani? You did do something?
RATBAT: Chigau!!!
NIKI: Come, Ratti - surely once you'd nodded off, your
dreams were filled with nothing else!
[Ratbat thinks, remembering. Mix to:]
7. COMMON ROOM.
[Dream sequence. There are a few people around.
Ratbat-chan enters, wearing only her underwear
(but no-one pays this fact any heed). She sits
at a table. Soon Kunou appears, his usual robe
now all in sequins. He has a green afro.]
KUNOU: Bongiorno - teflon! Mi chiami Teflon! Mi piace
teflon!
[Sprouts wings and flies away.]
KUNOU: Arrivederci!
[Ratbat waves goodbye. We then see the other
side of the common room, where Gosunkugi Sam and
Ruthie-sensei are singing Mori no Kuma-san as a
duet. As they do, Totoro drives past in an open-
topped yellow taxi. End dream.]
8. NIKI'S LAIR.
[Still on Ratbat. He shakes his head. Niki,
meanwhile, is fully into let's-overdo-the-
scorned-lover phase. Euan enters.]
NIKI: No! I cannot keep it a secret any longer! We
want to die like this, making love until our
life energy is spent! [She is having a hard time
stopping herself from laughing.]
EUAN: How could you, Ratbat?! You're engaged to a
beautiful yet more than slightly masculine woman
like Suzy,
[Suzy does an expression at that, slightly
confused.]
EUAN: and you think you can anger her
by...[blush]...being with her sister!
[Ratbat looks confused, then jumps straight out
the window. We here the splash. The Tendo girls
go over and look out.]
RATBAT [OOV]:Well, face it - someone was going to do it to me
sooner or later.
SUZY: Fair enough.
EUAN: Sigmatome, you swine [looks self-conscious for a
moment]... I mean, you bastard!
[Leaps out after him. Niki leans out the
window.]
NIKI [Calls]:But, Ratbat...! I'm having your child...!
[Suzy kicks her in the bum and she falls to the
ground.]
NIKI [On floor]: Hey, I felt a kick.
EUAN [OOV]: Ratbat, you defy description!
[Yes, I haven't slept in a while, so a guy who
should sound like a cross between Euan and
Ryouga just sounds like Kunou.]
9. FRONT GARDEN.
[Ratbat-chan is having Euan give her an earful
(that takes a lot for a chiropteran).]
RATBAT: Hontoo? How so?
EUAN: It's a trait of yours, isn't it? Continually
scorning the hearts of others to sate your own
sordid desires!
RATBAT: Gurl, you and Kunou could go on for hours.
[Look - I made an excuse.]
EUAN: You're supposed to be engaged to Suzy - yet
you've fraternise with Niki right under her own
roof! Don't you know what that could do to a
girl's heart? You've hurt her!
[Ratbat goes right up to Euan and leans on him
sexily, putting an arm around his shoulder.]
RATBAT: Och, and ye'd...know girls, would ye, Euan-kun?
[Euan blushes slightly for a moment, then it
fades.]
EUAN: You can't embarrass me like that...I know you're
a boy.
RATBAT: Och, hontoo ni?
[With her free hand, she opens her pyjama top,
and Euan has quite a view. He recoils.]
EUAN: Gah!
[He spins around, blushing like crazy and with
his nose bleeding.]
RATBAT: Chush, Euie...that's a mite of a problem ye've
got going there. Now, if it'd help...just try to
imagine Suzy in my place.
EUAN: Eep!
[Blood is practically gushing now. Euan pulls a
handkerchief from hammerspace.]
EUAN [Through handkerchief]:You get worse! She's supposed to
be your fiance, and you're bringing her namae up
just to mock me!
RATBAT: Ja, she brings mine up to mock me... Anyway,
what 'ave you...[realises] no wonder...you've
got the hots for Suzy!
EUAN [Lying]:I have not...I just don't like the idea of you
hurting anyon--
RATBAT: Och, come on... Ye're standin' there, soundin'
me out over sharing Niki's bed...and you're in
there...all cuddled up with the woman you love,
who just 'appens to be my fiance!
EUAN: That doesn't count if I do it when I'm in my
cursed form!
RATBAT: Och, fine...it's bad for a boy to sleep with a
girl, but not for a girl to sleep with a pig.
EUAN: Hai! [Realises] Iie! It's a principles thing!
RATBAT: 'Shinnen'? You're the one who slept with someone
else's fiance!
[Euan's really losing track of this
conversation.]
EUAN: Dake...so did you!
RATBAT: No I didn't that was Niki, remember? Slept with
Suzy's iinazuke, nee?
EUAN: Ano...I'll have to find Niki and strike her down
for betraying Suzy for sleeping with her fiance
who is you that she was wronged by and...
[He looks confused, his brain spins out, and he
falls in the pond. An angry B-chan struggles
out, snorts at Ratbat, and trots off.]
RATBAT: Oh. Where's he off to, I wonder? Feh. Like he'd
know.
[She wanders back in.]
10. LIVING ROOM.
[Ratbat enters to find Fiona doing the last of
the clearing-up.]
FIONA: Oh. I'm sorry, Ratbat-chan, but everyone thought
you would be arguing with Euan all morning
again...you've missed asagohan.
RATBAT: Nee? Och, no matter. I've been tryin' to think up
an excuse to get Kochan to make some
okonomiyaki, anyway. I'll go see if she's active
yet.
FIONA: Ja mata nee.
[Ratbat disappears in the direction of her
bedroom. (She's still in her pyjamas, remember?
Hmm... Come to that, she's still in her pyjamas
with everything on full display, as it were.
Guess Fiona either (A) doesn't notice these
things, (B) didn't see fit to mention it, or (C)
wanted to cop a gaze at what it is everyone's
been going on about for the past month.)]
11. CORRIDOR.
[Track with Ratbat as she comes up the stairs.
As she passes Len's bit, he (as a human), leans
out.]
LEN: Are you going out, son?
RATBAT: Hai.
LEN: Can ye post this, then?
[Hands her a postcard.]
LEN: It's a postcard for your mother.
RATBAT: Oh aye.
[Takes a read of it.]
RATBAT: Och, ye wouldno want to be too encouraging that
she come and visit, would ye?
LEN: Er, han...that's just the way Nicole and I
communicate, son. You know how it is.
[Flashback to:]
12. SIGMATOME LIVING ROOM.
[A fairly average living room. Len is sitting on
the sofa, reading the newspaper. From what, we
don't know, but a small fire has started beside
the chair, and is beginning to spread.]
[CAPTION: Hakodate, Japan - Tuesday 2 August
1994 ]
[A reasonably alarmed Nicole (it's only 1994, so
everyone looks pretty much the same) appears.]
NICOLE: Len! Len-chan! There's a fire!!
[Len doesn't look up from the paper. He just
picks up the nearby poker, pokes the blaze a
couple of times, then returns to the paper.
Nicole face-faults. End flashback.]
13. CORRIDOR.
[Ratbat nodding to herself.]
RATBAT: Aye, I know how it is that ye communicate...
[Continues on her way to the bathroom (see, I
also remembered that he bedroom's still out of
commission, even though it's being repaired as we
speak). When she passes the door to Niki's
lair, stay with it and let Ratbat go on.]
SUZY [OOV]: Just what was all that about?
14. NIKI'S LAIR.
[Suzy is sitting on the bed, and Niki is in the
chair by the desk, which is actually a huge
exquisite monstrosity, all shiny black and
throne-like with gold bits on it.]
NIKI: Oh, you know how it is, Suz...it was just a wind-
up. [Giggle] Or was it...?
SUZY: Nice try, neechan...but I'm not quite going to
believe that you...succeeded on Ratbat. I'm
starting to know her a bit better than that.
NIKI [Under breath]: Chikusho. [Normal] Come on, what
happened to [Suzy's voice dubbed on] 'Bloody
hell, she's fucking half of Japan!'
[Suzy goes to her and lays a patronising hand on
her shoulder.]
SUZY: Well, dear sister, I guess you must be in the
other half.
NIKI [Sexy]: But whose other half am I in?
SUZY [Same]: Didn't you always say I was your other half...?
[She sits in Niki's lap, and arranges herself
around her.]
NIKI: Looks like we'd...better get to work, then.
[They're gazing right into each others eyes.
After a few moments, both are smiling too hard.]
SUZY: Someone usually interrupts us about now, don't
they?
NIKI: I know.
SUZY: They haven't.
NIKI: I know.
SUZY: So what the hell happens?
NIKI: Well, we could...experiment for a while...
SUZY: But Niki...! Think how we'd feel in the morning.
NIKI: Oh, but it still is morning.
SUZY: I guess we'll have to find out how we'd feel.
NIKI: Well, you certainly feel all right to me...
[They stare deeply at each other. The thought of
actually doing something crosses their minds.
They contemplate the forbidden act. They play
with the idea of suddenly becoming carefree and
letting the moment take them, giving way to
reckless abandon. Something within both of them
toys with the concept of letting go, of
forgetting what they should or shouldn't be
doing, and just going and trying it. I doesn't
matter who they are, or what anyone will say.
They could just shrug off society and
passionately sate their curiosity once and for
all. Then, as they are finally brought to
reaching their ultimate decision...]
[...Ratbat enters. She's got her clothes on now.
Naturally, she barely even blinks at the goings-
on between the two sisters.]
RATBAT: Eh up, kids. Ano, I'm popping down to see how
Col[brief pause]leen's gettin' on at puttin' the
okonomiyaki-ya together. Anyone wanna come
along?
SUZY: Ohhh yeah.
[She gets up.]
SUZY: Coming, Niki-chan?
[Niki mock-glares at Ratbat.]
NIKI: Not now.
RATBAT: Nikita...
NIKI: No, seriously. I think I'll just stay here, if
it's all the same with you guys.
SUZY: Fair enough, then. [To Ratbat] Ikimashoo.
[They exit.]
RATBAT [OOV]:Hontoo ni, nothing happened.
[Their voices fade from this point.]
SUZY: I know nothing happened.
RATBAT: Then how come you're so defensive?
SUZY: Nerf? Shouldn't I be saying that?
RATBAT: Actually, I was assuming I'd have to be
defensive about it sooner or later, so I was
trying to make you do it instead.
SUZY: Ratbat no baka!
[Sound of a distant bonk.]
RATBAT: Teach me to be honest with my fiance.
[They're gone. Niki relaxes back in the chair,
and, as she does so, runs one hand slowly back
across her shoulder. Suddenly:]
15. NIKI'S LAIR.
[This is only up for about a second. It's the
night before. Ratbat and Niki are asleep in the
bed. Ratbat's hand unconsciously moves across
Niki in the same manner hers just did today.]
16. NIKI'S LAIR.
[Niki smiles to herself, then realises.]
NIKI [VO]: Hey! What was that! I'm Tendo Niki, I don't
think like that! [Hideous pause] It's probably
just a reaction thing. Hai, that's it. Because
it just felt good being close to someone. Right.
Hm.
[Another pause.]
NIKI: That doesn't help!!
NIKI [VO]: Gahhhh, I can't have Feelings for Ratbat! I
can't afford to!
[She pulls a ledger across the desk and picks up
her calculator.]
NIKI [VO]: I'm supposed to give a 50% discount to people I
have a crush on! If I give her that discount,
plus the 50% family discount she already
has...I'll go out of business!
NIKI: Waaaahh!
[She hits her head on the desk.]
NIKI [VO]: Why didn't I take out romance insurance right
back at the start?
17. KOCHAN'S.
[It's really coming together now. Unfortunately,
our favourite okonomiyaki chef is now being
interrupted by our local Blue Thunder and his
diminutive lackey. (Duh, like, that means Kunou
and Tim.) Kunou stands over her at the counter,
pointing his rubber sword at her. Tim stands by
the counter.]
KUNOU: You, sir! I have seen sangurasu no bijo emerging
from this very establishment only one day past!
You will tell me where you are hiding her, else
you suffer the same fate as Sigmatome Ratbat,
little man!
TIM [VO]: What, you'll let him beat the crap out of you a
few times?
COLLEEN: 'Little man'? I'm a girl! I've started being a
girl now!
KUNOU: Tell me no lies. Your body language betrays you.
COLLEEN: All right, then - do these betray me, too?
[She sighs. She doesn't want to, but it doesn't
look like anything else will get through to him.
She - for want of a better term - gets 'em out.
Kunou looks momentarily taken aback, but largely
unimpressed.]
KUNOU: Ha! You forget I am a man of the world. Timothy!
[Tim is blushing slightly and trying to look
away, but at his master's call he is suddenly
wearing glasses and reading from a clever-
looking textbook.]
TIM [Reads]: ...due to the many hormonal imbalances in the
male body during puberty, some boys male feel
they develop secondary sexual characteristics of
the opposite gender, often resulting in the
appearance of mammary glands.
[He would continue, but Kunou flaps his sword
across his face.]
KUNOU: Enough. You see? I am not taken in by thy
charade.
[Colleen fumes.]
COLLEEN: Grrr...I'll show you what's a charade!
[She grabs Tim and hauls him into the back room.
They are gone a few moments, then they both
return. Tim looks rather jittery.]
KUNOU: Timothy?
TIM: Trr--trust me...Kkkkkunou-sa-sa-sama... she's h-
hh-h-definitely an onna...
KUNOU: Very well. [Pause, then rounds back on Colleen]
But this does not answer my question about the
red-haired Helen!
RATBAT [OOV, fade up]: ...being essentially a pregnant man,
though, that could be enough to keep ye excited
for nine months.
[Kunou spins around.]
KUNOU: Ponīteeru no onna!
[He leaps towards the door, just as Suzy pushes
it open, smacking him around and out through the
open window. Tim eagerly exits as our heroes
come in.]
RATBAT: Hey, Kochan.
COLLEEN: Ratchan! And you would be...
RATBAT: Och, 'strue, ye've hardly been introduced yet.
Kuonji Colleen, Tendo Suzy. Suzy, Colleen.
[Colleen and Suzy both bow slightly.]
SUZY & COLLEEN: Hajimemashite.
COLLEEN: Who is that guy?
[She points to where Kunou can be seen outside,
getting dragged away by Tim.]
RATBAT: Him? Kunou Jarrah. Year above us in school.
SUZY: Harmless. World's biggest pain in the ketsu, but
reasonably harmless.
COLLEEN: Well, thanks to him, I've realised that I've
been here only two days, and I've already
exposed my chest to someone twice.
[Ratbat and Suzy look at each other, then back
at Colleen.]
SUZY & RATBAT: Get used to it.
COLLEEN: Un. Anyway, what can I do for you, Ratchan?
RATBAT: I dinna suppose ye've been looking for someone
to see if ye've still got it in the okonomiyaki
makin' stakes?
COLLEEN [Mock surprise]: Why, who told you?
RATBAT: Reibai. Must be.
COLLEEN: Ee, sure. Take a seat.
RATBAT: Doomo.
[They sit before the counter. Ratbat turns to
Suzy.]
RATBAT: I tell ye, Suzy-kun...Kochan's good, she is.
SUZY [Teasing]: So I've heard.
RATBAT: Nani.
SUZY: Don't worry. God, you get pent up so easily.
[Ratbat shoots her a 'look who's talking' look.]
18. KITCHEN.
[Fiona and Niki are here. Niki is at the table,
Fiona is wandering around fiddling with
foodstuffs.]
NIKI: ...I dunno. It's weird. I mean, I'm not sure if
this is something that just came up, or if I was
going to build to it all along, and then
spending the night alongside him...her [however
you want to put it, under the circumstances]
brought it all out.
FIONA: It does all sound very sudden.
NIKI: Maybe...maybe it's not really her - maybe it's
just a thing... Masaka...doesn't Suzy realise
that she might actually be lucky that she has -
after all - got someone?!
FIONA: Oh, my... this doesn't sound like the Tendo Niki
we're all used to. [Brightens] Go and sell
graveyard plots to toddlers for their pocket
money - that might make you feel better for a
while!
NIKI: Hm. I might just do that.
[The telephone rings. Fiona answers it.]
FIONA: Moshimoshi!
Hai.
Oh, that's wonderful. Hai, a lovely surprise.
Lovely.
Ja mata ne.
[She hangs up.]
NIKI: Dare?
FIONA: Oh, that was Sigmatome Nicole.
NIKI: Ratbat's mum?
FIONA: Hai. She was just calling ahead to check that
there were people home.
NIKI: Nani?
FIONA: Oh, she's just got off the train from Hakodate.
She's decided to pay us all a surprise visit.
[Then we hear the sound of a glass breaking in
the other room.]
LEN [OOV]: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
19. KOCHAN'S.
[Suzy and Ratbat-kun are here, their okonomiyaki
consumed.]
RATBAT: Aye, well, I'm dry now.
SUZY: True, not wet, still male.
RATBAT: Hai...so, I had a tea disaster. Feh.
SUZY: Where did you pick up that noise?
RATBAT: I got it off you.
SUZY: I'm sure you didn't.
RATBAT: I'm sure I did.
SUZY: I say 'nerf', not 'feh'.
[Colleen leaps in in a valiant attempt to
prevent an argument.]
COLLEEN: You say both. You're both right. So - what did
you think?
RATBAT: Aye. You've still got it, Kochan.
SUZY: Yes. I have to say I don't eat okonomiyaki very
often, but--
[At that point, Len bursts in, carrying a bucket
of water.]
RATBAT: Chichi! Nan da yo?
LEN: I'll explain in a moment, son!
[He throws water over Ratbat, who changes, then
over himself, and he changes.]
LEN: Grarth mmrrrr rwor grrrr--
[He realises maybe this should have all happened
in a different order. Bobbi finally catches him
up, also entering the restaurant.]
BOBBI [To Len]: Baka.
[Len holds up a sign saying 'Sorry'. Bobbi
sighs, and turns to Ratbat.]
BOBBI: Looks like it's down to me, then. Ratbat - the
reason for the panic is that Nicole, as in your
mother, is coming to visit the dojo.
RATBAT: Wicked. I've no seen her in ages.
[Bobbi and the panda shake their heads. Suzy
finds herself doing it also, then stops
herself.]
BOBBI: Ratbat, you don't understand. If your mother
sees you - you'll die.
[On the reaction of Ratbat, Suzy and Colleen.]
END CREDITS.
Sigmatome Ratbat
URAC SIGMA
Tendo Suzy
SUZY STYLES
Tendo Niki
NIKI O'BRIEN
Tendo Bobbi
ROBYN SCHOLES
Toboki Euan
EUAN BOWEN
Sigmatome Nicole
NICOLE WYLIE
Kuonji Colleen
COLLEEN HICK
Hodjsuke Tim
TIM HODGE
Gosunkugi Sam
SAM SMITH
Hinomiya Ruthie
RUTH CRABB
written by
URAC SIGMA
with
SUZY STYLES
creation and development
URAC SIGMA
SUZY STYLES
EUAN BOWEN
LEILA FETTER
with apologies to
TAKAHASHI RUMIKO
(amongst others)
20. MUSEUM.
[An art museum. Look at all the paintings
around. Euan comes into shot. He is slightly
wet, and the last bits of steam come off him. He
is wearing not his usual clothes.]
EUAN: Finally! I've got back my human form. Now I can
take up where I left off with Ratbat. [Pause]
Aww no...first I gotta find him again! KUSO!
[He trudges off, and we see him pass the Mona
Lisa.]
© Recycadelic Cacti MCMXCVII