Thanks to all of you who responded to "Trading Places"; I tried to
keep your comments in mind while writing this one, which more or less picks
up where the first one ended. Any constructive criticism would be greatly
appreciated, please e-mail me at "elewyiss@earthlink.net" if you have any
suggestions.
When I wrote this, I had not seen many of the videos, so no Ukyo or
Mousse (they may make an appearance in my next story). There is no Cologne
in this story either, and Shampoo is still staying at Tofu's as his
assistant. Also as before, deepest thanks to Rumiko Takahashi for
creating the Ranma universe and all within it; and my apologies for my
failure to remain true to her creation. Hope you enjoy the story!
OFF ON A TANGENT, CHAPTER TWO
IGNORANCE IS BLISS
or
SOME THINGS ARE BETTER LEFT FORGOTTEN
by Cindy Toler
A peaceful dawn lit the Tendo house. Kasumi awoke with a serene
smile on
her face, and as she glided through her morning routine of getting
breakfast ready for the rest of the household, she hummed softly, enjoying
the last brief moments of quiet.
"Hey, get off me!" Ranma's voice interrupted.
"Come on, Ranma, time to practice!" Genma answered.
"Leave me alone, old man!"
"Good morning, Kasumi," Soun said as he passed by the kitchen.
"Good morning, Father," Kasumi answered, stifling a resigned sigh.
"Going out this morning?"
"Yes, I have a book to return to Dr. Tofu," she said brightly. As
soon as the usual breakfast rush was over, Kasumi left for Dr. Tofu's
office, carrying her shopping basket and the borrowed book.
"Good morning, Dr. Tofu!" Kasumi called out as she stepped into the
waiting room. Much to her confusion, all the patients quickly cleared out
of the office, giving one excuse or another for their sudden departures.
"Ka-Kasumi! What brings you here, of all places! Would you like
some tea?" Tofu asked in a rush, offering an empty cup to his skeleton,
Betty.
"I've brought back the book I borrowed," Kasumi said with a sweet
smile. Dr. Tofu's eyeglasses fogged over and he grabbed Betty and started
dancing around. With a slightly puzzled shrug, Kasumi wished the doctor a
good day and left to go to the market.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"Ranma Saotome, I challenge you!" Ryoga shouted at his foe's back.
Ranma was deliberately ignoring him, which only served to infuriate him
further. With a lazy, indifferent attitude that Ryoga found supremely
insulting, Ranma turned around and sneered at him.
"Challenge me to what, P-Chan?"
"A fight, you idiot! Or aren't you man enough?" Ranma's eyes
narrowed angrily, and now it was Ryoga's turn to smirk.
"You take that back," Ranma growled. "I'm as much a man as anybody!"
"Ha! Prove it!" Ryoga said, striking a defensive pose.
"Don't you two ever get tired of this?" Nabiki asked from behind
him. "I mean, doesn't it all seem just a little, well, childish to you?"
"Ah, what do you know...you're just a girl," Ranma said
dismissively, ignoring Nabiki's narrowing eyes.
"I may be just a girl, Ranma," she answered quietly, "but I know a
real man when I see one."
"Ha!" Ranma shouted. "Who? Kuno?"
"Don't be stupid, Ranma," Nabiki warned.
"What's that noise I hear, the sound of Thunder? Must be your
BOYfriend, Nabiki!"
"That's a base falsehood!" shouted Kuno, who happened to have been
walking by at the time, searching the usual haunts of his most beloved,
Akane. No, the pig-tailed girl. No, Akane. "Saotome, you wretch! And
you! Hibiki! I shall thrash you both!"
"Butt out, Kuno," Ranma said. "This is a contest between men."
"Ha!" Nabiki interjected. "A real man wouldn't be afraid to take
on a real challenge."
"I shall defeat you both in whatever mode of combat you can
devise," Kuno announced. "For victory is certain to him whose cause is
just."
"What do you mean, Nabiki?" Ryoga asked impatiently, eager to get
on with breaking his opponents.
"I mean, why not challenge him to a REAL contest? One that only
the strongest could possibly survive?"
"What's the contest?" Ranma asked warily.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"Akane, the three of us are awfully hungry," Ranma said grudgingly,
indicating himself, Kuno and Ryoga. "Would you mind fixing something for
us to eat?"
"Is this some kind of a joke?" Akane asked suspiciously.
"Oh, no, Akane. I promise, we'll eat it," Ranma answered.
"Please, Akane? We're really hungry," Ryoga added.
"OK, you just sit down and I'll be right out!" Akane said happily,
as she practically skipped to the kitchen. Through the open doorway, they
could hear the sound of food being pounded into submission at lightning
speed.
"I have a bad feeling about this," Ranma sighed.
"Oh, be a man," Ryoga said. Although well aware that he was in for
an unpleasant experience, Ryoga was determined to bear it stoically. The
smile on Akane's face made it all worthwhile. After an all-too-short
interval, the sounds from the kitchen stopped. "Just remember the rules,"
Ryoga said. "Last one still standing wins."
Ranma opened his mouth to say something, but Akane returned,
bearing three plates heaped with ...well, not exactly the best-looking
food: slimy, jiggly and not quite dead. Squid in peanut butter sauce, to
be precise. Glaring at each other, Ryoga and Ranma each took their first
bite. Their eyes bugged out and then watered, their throats convulsed,
every muscle in their bodies strained and their jaws locked as they
struggled to swallow the toxic mess. Ryoga managed a weak smile for Akane
as he lifted the second mouthful to his lips.
Kuno simply fell to the floor, whimpering. Thanks to his sister
Kodachi, Kuno had developed an immunity to most arcane herbal concoctions
and a few poisons. Nothing, however, could have prepared him for Akane's
cooking.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Kasumi walked into her normally pristine kitchen to find a
nightmarish mess, and her little sister right in the middle of it.
"Oh, my," Kasumi said.
"Oh, Kasumi," Akane said. "I'm sorry about the mess, but Ranma and
Ryoga said they were hungry..." Akane's voice trailed off as Kasumi peered
into the dining room to see Ranma and Ryoga writhing on the floor in agony.
"Oh, my," Kasumi said again. "I'm afraid they may have over-eaten.
Perhaps we should call Dr. Tofu."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Ryoga woke up in Dr. Tofu's office and sat up groggily. Ranma was
sleeping soundly in the bed next to his.
"Easy for him," Ryoga thought. Everything was easy for Ranma.
Ranma had it all...and what did Ryoga have? An insane woman whose laugh
sent chills down his spine was chasing after him, Kuno was out to kill him,
Shampoo was none too willingly claiming to be his fiancee, and worst of
all, Akane thought of him as just a friend ...and a pet. Ranma called
himself cursed! He had no idea what it was like trying to live with a real
curse!
"Hmph," Ryoga said, and swung his feet out of the bed. The room
spun around him, and he froze for a minute, closing his eyes and waiting
for the dizzy spell to pass, then he cautiously slid out of the bed and
left.
"That bathroom has to be around here somewhere..."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A week after the disastrous food challenge, Ryoga staggered back
to the Tendo dojo, determined to finish his fight with Ranma once and for
all. Luckily, his rival happened to be in the dojo, sitting on his head
and meditating.
"Ranma, I challenge you!" Ryoga rasped. Ranma squinted up at him
wearily.
"Ryoga, do we have to do this? That last contest should have left
a bad taste in your mouth. It did mine."
"Ha, I can beat you at any contest, Saotome! You name it!"
"Hmm," Ranma said, leaping to his feet, "The way I remember it, you
passed out before I did."
"Did not! You passed out first!"
"It doesn't matter. The contest was for the last one standing, and
you weren't standing."
"Shut up!" Ryoga answered with his usual blinding originality. "I
may not have been the last one standing, but I was the first one to stand.
I should have finished you off at Tofu's!"
"But you wandered off and got lost again, didn't you, P-Chan? Poor
widdle piggy gets wost all the time!"
"Shut up and fight!"
"I wouldn't do that if I were you," Nabiki interrupted from the doorway.
"Why won't you let us fight?" Ryoga asked, irritated.
"Because, we can't afford the repair bill every time you two have
an all-night session. You're driving us into the poor house." Ranma and
Ryoga both looked around, guilty. "Although," Nabiki continued, "I know of
another contest that wouldn't involve any loss of property."
"No more food!" Ranma snapped.
"Of course not," Nabiki smirked.
"So what is it this time?"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"I don't like this," Ryoga muttered. He and Ranma were seated at a
local bar with full glasses of Shochu before them.
"You're the one who wanted a contest. Last one standing wins,"
Ranma answered.
"Kampai!" Ryoga said, and they raised their glasses and began to
drink . . .
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"It's this way!" Ranma insisted, dragging Ryoga in the wrong direction.
"You idiot!" Ryoga yelled as he pulled the other way. "You're
drunk! It's this way!"
"Drunk or not, I wouldn' trust your sense of direction!" Ranma
slurred.
"Look, stupid, there it is!" Ryoga cried, pointing his way. Sure
enough, there was the Tendo house, warm and welcoming in the chilly night.
"Alright, alright!" Ranma said. "So when you're drunk you have a
sense of direction!"
"Be quiet!" Ryoga shouted at the top of his lungs. "Do you want to
wake everyone up!"
"Shhh!"
"You Shhh!" Ryoga hissed.
"You Shhh!" Ranma hissed back.
"Will you just get in the house!"
"Where do you think you're going?" Ranma asked in a stage whisper.
"We have to see who's the last one standing!" Ryoga answered.
"So, you two finally made it back," Nabiki commented from the stairway.
"Shhh! We're trying not to wake you up!" Ranma said.
"Lucky for you our fathers are on a camping trip, Ranma. Come on,
this way," Nabiki said, grabbing Ranma's arm and dragging him to his room.
Ryoga followed noisily, stumbling into the walls as his feet tangled.
"Could you keep it down, please?" Nabiki asked. "I really don't want to
have to try to explain this to Akane." Ryoga and Ranma instantly froze.
"You two aren't going to remember anything in the morning, are you?" Nabiki
asked, eyeing them speculatively. The two of them stood in the center of
the room, weaving back and forth as they tried to keep their balance, each
determined to be the last one standing.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Ryoga was awakened the next day by the unfamiliar feeling of a
soft, warm female body draped across him. Half-dreaming, he mumbled,
"Akane..."
"Mmhh?" a female voice answered. The wrong voice. Ryoga's eyes
snapped open to reveal girl-type Ranma staring down at him.
"What are you doing?!?" they both shouted, shooting away to
opposite sides of the room.
"At least I still have my clothes on," they each thought, and then
looked down and screamed in horror. Ranma was wearing nothing but Ryoga's
yellow shirt, and Ryoga was clad only in Ranma's black pants.
Ryoga pointed at Ranma with a shaking finger. "Why are you wearing
my shirt?"
"What are you doing in my pants?"
They each stopped and stared at each other.
"Just what do you remember about last night?" Ranma asked.
"Nothing!" Ryoga said, clutching his head. "What happened?"
"I don't remember, either, you jerk! Why'd you have to have that
stupid contest, anyway? How can you have a contest if nobody can remember
who won?"
"Just SHUT UP!" Ryoga howled, grabbing his head even harder. "I'm
trying to think!"
"Huh, I wouldn't want you to strain your brain, dummy," Ranma
growled as she headed for the door. "I'm gonna go get some hot water."
"Good afternoon, you two," Nabiki said cheerfully, sauntering into
the room. Ranma and Ryoga jumped. "It's about time the two of you woke
up."
"Na-na-na-nabiki!" Ranma stammered. "What are you doing here?"
"Hmm, I might ask you the same question, Ranma," Nabiki smirked.
"I don't suppose either of you remembers what you did last night?"
"Of course we do," Ranma blurted. "We remember everything, don't we?"
"Uh..." Ryoga started to answer.
"I mean it may look a little strange but there's a perfectly good
explanation. Isn't there?" Ranma asked,glaring at Ryoga.
"Mmm-hmm. You might just be interested in these, then," Nabiki
said, flourishing a handful of photographs. Ranma and Ryoga stepped closer
and gaped in shock. The photos showed the two of them in several very
compromising positions. Ranma stared at the photos while the blood ran out
of her face.
"I'm gonna be sick!" she choked, and ran out of the room.
"I'm gonna KILL you!" Ryoga shrieked after her. "This is all your
fault, you...you PERVERT!" Ryoga slowly fell to his knees, still clutching
his head. He had dishonored himself, brought shame upon his family
name...he had violated his love for Akane! A vision of her furious face
filled his mind...he was unworthy to even love her from afar!
Nabiki turned around to see Ryoga sobbing in abject misery.
Pushing aside a twinge of conscience, she pressed further.
"So, Ryoga, what'll it be? What would you be willing to do to keep
Akane from seeing these?"
"What do you want?" Ryoga asked as he wiped his eyes.
"Take off your pants," Nabiki said with a smirk. Ryoga's eyes flew
open wide and he stared at her incredulously, his tears forgotten.
"Wh- What did you say!?!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Ranma finished rinsing his mouth out and splashed hot water on his
face, then looked in the mirror with disgust. It wasn't much better being
a guy with a hangover! In a sudden fit of revulsion he tore the yellow
shirt off, doused himself with cold water and began scrubbing himself raw.
He filled the tub with the hottest water possible and stepped into it,
hissing with pain. A knock at the door disturbed him.
"Ranma!" Akane called through the door at him. "Could you hurry it
up, please?"
"Go away, Akane!" Ranma snapped, ducking his head under the water
to avoid hearing whatever her answer would be. The last thing he needed
right now was to talk to his uncute fiancee who persisted in calling him a
pervert. The worst part was she was probably right! He couldn't believe
he had...he had...and with Ryoga!!!
Ranma came up gasping for air and realized he hadn't brought any
clean clothing with him. Cursing under his breath, he let the water out of
the tub, wrapped a towel around his waist, and prepared to sneak back to
his room. Unfortunately, he had forgotten about Akane, who stood glaring
at him as he opened the door.
"Ranma," Akane said in a dangerously quiet tone of voice, "The
least you could do is TRY to hurry when you know someone is waiting!"
"Akane! I was..."
"And how dare you parade around the house like that? You are such
a pervert!"
"I AM NOT!" Ranma shouted, grabbing the towel as it started to slip.
"Hmph!" Akane said as she brushed past him.
Hard as it was, Ranma turned and went back to his room, resisting
the temptation to call her a tomboy. He opened the door and, finding the
room empty, quickly dressed himself and went in search of Ryoga and Nabiki.
He had to destroy those photos, before they destroyed his life!
Ranma was approaching the door to Nabiki's room when he heard Ryoga
groan.
"Ryoga! Will you quit wiggling? This wouldn't hurt so much if
you'd just be still!" Nabiki cried.
"Ow!' Ryoga said. "Can't I pay you some other way?" Puzzled,
Ranma pushed the door open and stared at them in surprise. Ryoga sat at
Nabiki's desk, wearing Ranma's suit and gritting his teeth as Nabiki
dragged a comb through his thick hair. His bandannas lay in a small heap
on the desk beside him.
"Ryoga? What are you...?"
"Shut up, Saotome!" Ryoga growled. "This is all your fault!"
"OK, that's much better," Nabiki said, patting Ryoga on the head.
"Your hair is really very nice, Ryoga. Now stand up and let me have a look
at you." Ryoga stood, staring at the floor miserably. He missed the
security of his bandannas, the tie was slowly strangling him, and without
his usual leg bonds the pants legs swished around his ankles obscenely. He
looked on in surprise as Nabiki pulled out a bottle of man's cologne and
dabbed some on him.
"Take one of these," she instructed, handing him a pack of breath mints.
"The last thing I need is for that insane girl to decide I taste
good!" Ryoga protested.
"She fixed you up on a date with Kodachi?" Ranma asked, trying not
to smile.
"Just shut up, Ranma!' Ryoga snarled.
"I wouldn't be so smug, Ranma," Nabiki said with a smile as she
straightened Ryoga's tie. "I have big plans for you, too, you know."
"What do you mean?" Ranma asked, sensing impending doom.
"Why, merely that I've arranged an escort for you for this evening,
too, Ranma," Nabiki answered with a deceptively innocent smile. "You did
want these pictures kept private, didn't you? It so happens I have
hundreds of copies, and the negatives hidden in a safe place."
"So what it is you want from me?" Ranma asked, glaring at her as
he realized he'd been defeated. Nabiki grinned and tossed a glass of cold
water at him.
"Kuno...?" Ryoga gasped, hiding his own smile.
"No way!" girl-type Ranma yelled, turning red in the face. "There
is NO way I'm going out with that - that...!"
"Oh? Maybe I misunderstood," Nabiki said smoothly, waving a photo
of girl type Ranma curled into Ryoga with a bare leg thrown over his hips.
"I was under the impression you didn't want anyone to see these. Hmm, I
wonder what your father's reaction will be?"
"No, wait!" Ranma cried, closing the door and standing in front of it.
"So you'll do it, then?"
"OK," Ranma said dispiritedly.
"Don't be so glum, Ranma. All you two have to do is keep Kuno and
his sister happy for the evening. It's not like I've sentenced you to
death or anything."
"No, you haven't," Ranma answered through clenched teeth. "You've
sentenced us to a fate worse than death!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *