Okay, I'm no master of dialoug, but here are my thoughts on it. I'll try
to write on what I think it's important in dialouge. Why am I doing this?
Well, one reason is that I am bored, and the other reason is, I saw a few
stories that I hated how that person wrote it. Remember, if I say
something that is not correct, tell me and I'll look at it and add it to
my thoughts or something. Okay, here goes.

First and Example:

"Keiichi!" Belldandy shouted as she ran towards him.

Keiichi slowly turned his head to see his goddess running towards him.
"Hey!"

"Keiichi-san, I missed you." She said, hugging him tightly.

Keiichi blused. "Uh, I missed you to, Belldandy." Then he hugged her back.

"Keiichi," She said almost cryuing, looking into Keiichi's eyes. "

Keiichi gave a small smile. "You been gone a long time, Bell."

and so on . . .

So, what's wrong with it? 

First of all, there are beats in every line. I saw stories like this, 90%
of the lines spoken had beats. Beats are used to keep the reader in track,
or they are put in to have some meaning. Too many beats disrupt the flow
of the dialouge. I mean, who cares if Ranma sat down, brushed his hair
back while he's talking? No one notices that when one talks to someone.
When you talk to someone, you don't notice, "wow, he's putting his glasses up.
" or "she's turning her head 50 degrees to the left." Of course, if you
want to remind the reader who's saying what, you can put beats if you
don't want to use the "forbidden" SAID.

next example:

"Hey, I got an idea!" exclamed he.

"No wait, here mine first!" shouted a man.

"Shut up! I got here first," snarled a fat, short man in his late
twenties.

. . .

Okay, what's wrong with it?
Yup, they used passive voice to tell who was talking. Remember in English
class, you were encouraged to use active voice? Well, do it here too.
Don't do "said (s)he" write instead "(s)he said" okay? Also, writing
"said" is okay. I know that there is other ways of writing "said," such as
whispered, muttered, exclaimed, mummured, blurted out, breathed, and ect.
Don't, the character will have to SAY something one of these days. So
don't be afraid to write "said."

another example:

"Hi," he said.

"Yo," she said.

"So, what you gonna do?" he asked.

"Dunno," she answered.

"Okay," he said.

"So . . . what's up?" she asked.

. . .


Okay, if you don't know what the problem is, then you shouldn't be
writing. Go study fiction and come back.

Okay, next example . . .

"I hate you," he said, glaring at his opponenent.

<why does he hate me? All I did was kill his mother, kicked his dog,, shot
his father, raped his sister, and spat in his face.>

"Get ready to die!" 

. . .

>From my 18 years of reading. (okay, maybe 16 years) I never came upon "<>"
representing thought. So don't. For short - one word thoughts, you can do
a ** (because you can't do italics in ASCII) what am I talking about?
well, here...

"Hey," Ranma said coming in.

"Hello." Nabiki answered back.

"Guess what,"

"What?"

"I'm a mouse."

*a mouse?*

"Uh . . . That's nice," Nabiki said.


. . .

In this bad example, Nabiki said "a mouse?" to herself.
Okay, next example

"I'm hurt!" he said in dispair.

She sprinted over to him to save him, "I'll save you!"

"Thank you." he thanked.

. . .

Don't insult the reader by giving us adverbs, adjectives, and verbs on
what's obvious. Also, don't do this either:

(previous scene: some guy comes in pissed off)


"Boy am I pissed!" he said happily.


. .  .

that's not correct! Don't give adverbs/adj/and verbs that contridict what
the characters are feeling or thinking!

All prose should be done in past tense unless you're writing in Second
person or if you're the master of prose.

Well, that's all I can think of right now. If you have and additions,
flames, or contridictions, e-mail me.




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