Something a friend of mine sent me in a fit of madness....
let him know what you think of it....he needs the pressure and the
frustration of reviews to keep him writing...
Neil
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Nene Nene Nene Nene Nene Nene Nene Nene Nene
I met a Lady in the Meads,
Full beautiful, a faery's child,
Her hair was long, her foot was light
And her eyes were wild.
J.Keats
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Agent Of Chaos. Robyn, Duke of Amber. Unicorn Knight
****************************************************************************
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Wed, 19 Feb 1997 15:55:52 -0500
From: Matthew Greenwood <mtgreen@yorku.ca>
To: yu132724@yorku.ca, yu120475@yorku.ca, loviatar@interlog.com,
eclipse@ionsys.com
Subject: Read and weep
Hi guys!
This is something I fired off while in Guyana. Read it and tell me what you
think.
I'll be gone during Reading Week and the week after that (22Feb-28Feb, then
I'm back, then off again 03Mar-08Mar). If I don't see you, have a good
Reading Week and the week after that.
Cthulhu fhtagn!
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Dogs of War
!
"Mr. Ubermensch! An Armed Forces representative will be here to see you
momentarily," Wanda Helmsley-Lapadula's voice crackled over the intercom.
"The matter concerns national security."
At that moment the soothing electronic chimes of the doorbell sounded. The
thick, lead-lined adamantium door swing silently inwards to reveal a mousy
man, thin and bespectacled, in formal military dress. A large briefcase was
handcuffed to his wrist. He hesitated at the entrance, obviously nervous,
looking more like an accountant at his first paintball game than a
high-ranking soldier.
"Welcome to C.U.P.E.W. regional office," Wanda intoned monotonously from
her desk. "We at Citizens United in the Prevention of Evil Wrongdoings are
dedicated to fighting evil-doers and their dastardly plans for world
domination and mischief. What nefarious scheme may we assist you in defeating?"
The timid man tentatively stepped into the plush decorated reception area
of the nation's- nay, the world's!- elite crime-fighting institution.
"My, uh, name is Corporal Kretch," he mumbled. "I represent the Armed
Forces. I would like to see..." he glanced at a card in his hand, "... Mr.
Ubermensch? The matter concerns national security."
"Right this way, sir." Wanda duly escorted the man down a well-lit hallway
to a large, dark oak door. "The Ultimate Ubermensch!" was embossed on a
prominent gold plaque on the door itself. Wanda knocked twice, then opened
the door, leading Kretch inside.
The C.U.P.E.W. regional office occupied the nineteenth floor of the Clamp
building, which it shared with the law offices of Kanwe, Cheetham & Howe,
which was convenient for C.U.P.E.W.'s line of work. From this height a
breathtaking view of the city could be seen from the perspective of the
cloud of smog. The office they had entered was a spacious corner affair,
with full-length windows that took advantage of the panorama; matching oak
paneling covered the walls, and generic house plants occupied the corners.
The Ultimate Ubermensch!, hero and idol of millions, role model and
defender of upright moral values, sat his appropriately massive desk,
courageously concentrating on a neon-coloured slinky that had expeditiously
entwined itself around his stalwart arms, halfway up to his white
spandex-clad elbows. He looked up, and his hands shot under the desk with
preternatural speed.
"Greetings, citizen!" The hero's boisterous baritone rose up from a
barreled, muscular chest nearly bursting through his tight, form-fitting
uniform, up his thick, sinewy neck, and through firm lips set in a strong,
square jaw. "How may I- we- help you!" His even, white teeth shone as his
lips parted into a wide, winning grin.
"Well, Mr. Ubermensch..." began the corporal.
"That's Ubermensch!" corrected the hero helpfully.
"Sorry. Uh, Mr. Ubermensch! Um, the Joint Chiefs of Staff of the Armed
Forces desperately require, ah, the assistance only you and your colleagues
can provide. It's a matter of, uh, highest danger to national security..."
"Well, that's what we're here for!" offered the spandex-clad man.
"Yes, um... I have the information here," Kretch continued, gesturing at
his briefcase, "but I'm afraid I lost hold of the keys while trying to, uh,
scrape gum off the bottom of my shoe, and it fell through the sewer grate..."
"The shoe?!"
"No..."
"The gum?!"
"No, the key." The officer grinned sheepishly.
"That's quite all right!" the hero exclaimed. "Ms. Helmsley-Lapadula, will
you assist him with his cuffs?! And summon the others to the Peril Room!
And bring coffee- decaf for Justin, of course!"
The receptionist gently broke the handcuffs and jimmied the briefcase
locks, then excused herself.
"Well then! Let's adjourn to the Peril Room!" With those words The
Ultimate Ubermensch! stood, slinky still firmly grasping his hands, and
proceeded to the room in question, military man in tow.
!!
The Peril Room served as a training facility and committee room, except on
Thursday evenings, when it hosted Yahtzee tournaments. The Ultimate
Ubermensch! was seated at the head of a steel-and-plastic table bisected by
the ping-pong net that had become a permanent fixture since it was bonded at
a molecular level to the table during an especially competitive game. Three
other superheroes sat at the table; two on one side, and one on the other,
next to Wanda. Corporal Kretch sat opposite The Ultimate Ubermensch!, whose
hands were now free from restraint. The Ultimate Ubermensch! made the
introductions.
"On my left is, as you know, our receptionist, Wanda Helmsley-Lapadula!"
Wanda was a studious-looking woman with blue eyes behind glasses, an
artfully placed mole on her left cheek, and dark brown hair. She wore a
smart blue pinstripe outfit. She nodded politely; her pen was a blur in the
air as she took notes. A neon slinky was coiled on the table before her.
"On my right is The Human Sound Barrier Breaker!" He was wiry, nervous man
with red-brown hair, prematurely bald in spots, trembling, bloodshot blue
eyes, dressed in a glittery, garish costume that constantly shifted with
each rapid movement. He smoked a cigarette in one draw, lit another,
finished it, then drank two cups of coffee with generous helpings of sugar.
He said "hello" in a shrill voice, then twitched, as if startled by his own
voice.
"Next to him is Robo Ninja Magic Girl!" The Ultimate Ubermensch! gestured
to an athletic, yet somehow misproportioned woman with a large cloud of
green hair that partially obscured her very large, glittering green eyes.
She was dressed in shining grey power armour and blue spandex, both which
somehow accentuated her curves. "Hello, da-ling," she said in a girlish
voice; the words did not seem to quite fit the movements of her lips.
Corporal Kretch nodded to each in turn.
"I am Invisible Guy," said a large, hairy blond man in black and white tights.
The officer opened his now-liberated briefcase and began to pass out
dossiers marked "Classified" in big red letters. Then he began his
presentation.
"Ladies and gentlemen, you know that the Armed Forces are on the cutting
edge of weapons technology. Over the past few years Army R&D has been
attempting to train special operatives for highly dangerous missions. This
program has been very successful, and losses have been reasonably acceptable.
"But things have recently taken a turn for the worse. One of our top
agents, code name Smokey, has sold out to the enemy!" Kretch slammed his
fist into the table; as a credit to military discipline, he suppressed his
wince admirably.
"Smokey has stolen an experimental micro-bomb capable of destroying an
entire city block and creating an electronics blackout in a radius of ten
miles. It is the size of a small ball bearing. It has fallen into this
traitor's hands! All our information on Smokey is contained in the files
before you, including an artist's rendition."
After a brief shuffle of papers the superheroes gasped as one. "My Lord!"
howled The Human Sound Barrier Breaker, and fell out of his chair, only to
instantly recover, stopping only to light a cigarette.
"I remind you," continued the corporal, "that this operative is highly
skilled, completely ruthless, and extremely dangerous. She will stop at
nothing to bring this country- no, the world!- to its knees!"
A mighty clamor ensued, as they fought to out-exclaim each other. In the
midst of this, Invisible Guy mumbled:
"Its... a hamster."
"This agent has in her possession a most powerful weapon, and constitutes a
threat to national security!" bellowed the corporal. "She stuffed into her
cheek with some chemically enhanced food pellets, no doubt to smuggle it out
of the base! She is still believed to be within the vicinity!"
"It's a hamster," repeated Invisible Guy.
"We must neutralize her immediately!" Kretch's voice took on a hysterical
quality. "Time is of the essence! Mr. Ubermensch..."
"That's Ubermensch!" offered the team's leader.
"Pardon me. Mr. Ubermensch!"
"That's all right, corporal! We'll find this miscreant and end her threat
to our vile way of life! That is, vile threat to our way of life! Ms.
Helmsley-Lapadula! Please pre-!"
"I'll prepare the C.U.P.E.W.BusTM and cancel all further appointments,"
interrupted Wanda. As she exited the room she passed a form to the military
representative. "If you please, corporal, you must sign this release form."
"Must sign this release form," repeated the corporal tonelessly, as he
reached for his pen.
"Thank you. It's just a formality." Then Wanda slipped silently from the
room.
!!!
River of Blood Military Base lay nestled safely within a prosperous
business district, within walking distance of fine dining, shopping, and a
nine-hole golf course that doubled as an artillery range. The slogan above
the heavily guarded gate read "Peace Through Higher Firepower."
The idyllic setting was rudely broken by a chopped black Winnebago riding
close to the ground, decked in spoilers, radar equipment, a twin turbine
nitrous-injected former aircraft engine (redesigned and built by Ms.
Helmsley-Lapadula), fuzzy dice, and pumpin' stereo. Red flame in the form
of the letters C.U.P.E.W. were emblazoned on its ebony sides, and a thin red
light moved hypnotically behind the grille, reminiscent of KITT or a Cylon.
Under Wanda's control the vehicle careened through the gate and came
screeching to a halt neatly between two parked cars. The Ultimate
Ubermensch! and his companions leapt splash-pageically from the van, then
helped a shaky Corporal Kretch out. After a brief bout of retching he stood
on rubbery legs, then slumped back into the C.U.P.E.W.BusTM.
"Well, then! How shall we go about apprehending this miscreant?!" Bellowed
the caped leader.
"Why don't we split up?" offered Invisible Guy.
"Robo Ninja Magic Girl! Why don't you do an aerial psychic-radar
reconnaissance and report back to me- us!"
"No, you can't see a hamster from more than fifteen feet off the ground.
And my radar isn't working."
"Why don't we split up?" Invisible Guy suggested.
"Any other ideas?! Human Sound Barrier Breaker?!" The Ultimate
Ubermensch!'s firm, square jaw jutted in the direction of the nervous hero.
"What! Uh, no! I don't know! Stop pressuring me!" came the frantic
response. Then he screamed and bolted off at superhuman speed in a jagged,
irregular trajectory, shouting, "I can't take it anymore!" into the
distance. A loud boom sounded as he lived up to his name.
"Why don't we split up?" asked Invisible Guy, then walked off in the
direction of the base's mess hall.
"Say! Why don't we split up!" offered The Ultimate Ubermensch after a
moment or two (no more) of serious thought. "I'll go that way! The Human
Sound Barrier Breaker is already searching off in that direction! Robo
Ninja Magic Girl, why don't you do an aerial psychic-radar sweep! Off we go
then! Let's do some good!"
Robo Ninja Magic Girl frowned at her leader's broad, retreating back and
put her helmet on. "Thunder Jet Kick! Hai!" she shouted. Jet packs popped
out of her boots and she flew off.
From inside the C.U.P.E.W.BusTM came a rueful sigh as Wanda watched her
employers go. Then she lifted the now unconscious corporal under one arm
while she closed the Winnebago's door with the other, then set him gently on
the ground.
!!!!
Twenty minutes later the stalwart champions found themselves before the van
again.
"Psychic-radar showed up negative," stated Robo Ninja Magic Girl, her mouth
moving slightly slower than her words. "That's not surprising, since it
didn't work," she added under her breath. "But I looked everywhere I could
anyways."
"I was also unsuccessful!" beamed the team leader, his broad cape
fluttering in the still afternoon air.
The Human Sound Barrier Breaker finished his fourth cigarette of the minute
and tearfully reported similar luck. "I'm worthless!" he cried, tears
rolling down his face.
Kretch had recovered from the drive by this time. "What are we going to
do?" he cried, tears rolling down his face.
Invisible Guy then arrived, hamster cradled in one hand.
"This requires drastic measures!" bellowed The Ultimate Ubermensch, wide
brow wrinkled in concern.
"We gotta find her soon!" shouted The Human Sound Barrier Breaker.
"There's no telling what she'll do! We're doomed! We're doomed! Somebody
do something! Oh, the humanity!" He slumped to the ground beside the
corporal, head between his knees, sobbing faster than a machine gun. Wanda
handed him a Valium and a glass of ice water.
Robo Ninja Magic Girl jumped up. "I know! We'll rig a hamster ball with a
tracer and leave some hamster food in it! Then when Smokey climbs in, the
ball will close automatically, and we can follow the signal to her secret
lair! Then we can catch her! I'll need a few minutes to conjure the parts
and create the trap mechanism, but it should work!"
Invisible Guy placed the rodent in question on the ground before Corporal
Kretch. Kretch squealed with delight at the sudden sight of Smokey sitting
on her haunches, rubbing her face with her forelegs. The secret agent's
cheeks were chubby and she squeaked contentedly, pulling bits of food from
its mouth and depositing them in a neat mound on the ground.
"Well then!" beamed The Ultimate Ubermensch! "Looks like our work here is
done! Good job, friends!
The military man was brimming with joy. "Oh, Mr. Ubermensch, how can-"
"That's Ubermensch!"
"Sorry, Mr. Ubermensch! How can we ever thank you?" A tear formed in
Kretch's eye.
"Well, da-ling, you know," pondered Robo Ninja Magic Girl, "you could let
us keep Smokey. She'd make a cute mascot."
The corporal peered at the animal. "This thing has been a real pain for
us. I just got word we've canned the rodent program. We've found much more
potential with octopi. They can open jars, you know. Parrots, too, though
they can't keep a secret. Sure, you can keep her." He handed the hamster
to the heroine, who placed it in her overturned magic helmet.
"Well, then! We should be on our way! Don't thank us, we're just doing
our part to protect our fellow citizens!" The Ultimate Ubermensch! admonished.
With a flourish, the heroes entered the Winnebago and bolted off, leaving a
dazed and grateful Corporal Kretch choking in dirt and exhaust.
A few blocks from C.U.P.E.W. regional headquarters, Robo Ninja Magic Girl
noticed something peculiar about the contents of Smokey's cheeks, which were
now clumped inside her helmet. "Say, didn't Kretch say something about a
bomb?" she asked.
"The bomb!" cried The Ultimate Ubermensch!, aghast. "Where is it?!"
The heroine poked at the rodent's stash of food. "All that's here is
half-chewed chemically-enriched hamster feed."
"Well, not to worry! I'm sure our fellow citizens in the Armed Forces have
it well under control!" The Ultimate Ubermensch! waved his hand expansively.
"That Corporal Kretch! What a competent individual! A fine example of our
dedicated service men and women!" The caped hero positively beamed.
At that moment they heard a distant rumble and the evening sky brightened
in a brief flash. A loud boom followed, and a dark cloud rose in the
distance behind them. The GPS hookup and other instruments in the Winnebago
flickered and went out.
The Ultimate Ubermensch!'s square jaw distorted into a frown. "Ms.
Helmsley-Lapadula! Did the colonel sign that release form?!"
?!
Matt Greenwood
Master in Environmental Studies candidate, York University, Toronto, Canada
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________
"On a personal level, Freaking Out is a process whereby an individual casts
off outmoded and restricting standards of thinking... in order to express
CREATIVELY his relationship to his immediate environment and the social
structure as a whole"
Frank Zappa (from the liner notes of the album "Freak Out").
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