Ranma 1/2: The Kyoto Chronicles
Chapter 4
Chagi Strikes Back; Revenge Is Mine!
Note: the original Ranma 1/2 is the brainchild of Rumiko Takahashi,
and any characters from said series belong to her. Other's are our
own creations.
Blade and Epsilon
(Opening scene: a hotel somewhere in downtown Kyoto; night. Only
one apartment in lit up, and inside it we see Senzai Chagi. He is
sitting on a cushion in front of a low table, upon which rest several
items. One is a brochure, the other is a bouquet of roses, and the
final item is a picture of a certain red-haired girl being chased
by Shobayashi.)
Chagi: (smiles to himself) Soon, Ranma, my revenge will be complete.
Not only will you die, but your beloved fiancee will be mine!
(megalomaniacal laugh) And all thanks to this mysterious red-headed
friend of yours! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
********
(Scene: the breakfast table at the Honourable Bull, where the Saotome
and Kuonji clans sit.)
Shobayashi(mournfully): Alas, Natsu Kaji escaped my grasp again upon
yon yestereve. She ran from me, graceful as the gazelle, and dis-
appeared into the bathroom. (frowns) Strange it was, that Ranma was
in the bathroom at the time and hadn't seen her...
Ryori: (looking piercingly at Ranma) Hai, very strange. Very strange
indeed.
Ranma: What are you implying?
Meushi: Speaking of implying, what about you in Ukyou's room last
night?
Ranma(fervent denial): I was _NOT_ in Ukyou's room last night!!!
Meushi: My point exactly. Why weren't you?
Ranma: Huh?
Meushi: I want grandchildren! And they aren't going to produce them-
selves...
Ranma: (blushes fiercely) Mrs. Kuonji!
Nodoka: Really, Meushi-san, I think they're much too young to be con-
sidering sex.
Ranma: MOM!
Meushi: But I need grandchildren, and Ukyou's willing, I'm sure.
Ukyou: MOM!
Meushi: It's true, isn't it little one?
Ukyou: Uh...I think it's a bit early for children yet, mom...and don't
call me that.
Oushi: Besides, it would be dishonourable for Ukyou to be pregnant
before marriage...
Ranma: (beet red) Will you _stop_ talking about this?
Shoto: Yeah, Ranma isn't interested anyway. He'd much more like to
dress in Ukyou's under...
(Ukyou shoves Shoto through a conveniently placed wall.)
Ryori: (pushing his plate away) Well I have work to do, I'll be out.
(he leaves)
Ranma: What does he _do_ all day? He's always out somewhere...
Nodoka: (picking up Ryori's plate and her own) What he does is his
business; we _all_ have secrets, Ranma. And respecting other people's
right to have secrets in an important aspect of being manly.
Ranma: (sighs) Hai...
Meushi: But I want grandchildren!
Nodoka: Besides, it's by no means certain Ranma and Ukyou _will_ be
marrying...
Meushi: Oh they're just being coy. They'll settle down soon enough.
Ranma: (standing up) I think I need time to think. Excuse me. (he
walks out)
Ukyou: Ranchan... (she starts to follow)
Nodoka: Ukyou. (she stops) Ranma's just tired of people forcing him
into things. He wants to do something without being coerced into it.
Ukyou: But...
Nodoka: Trust me, dear.
Ukyou: (sighs) If you say so.
********
(Scene: a park somewhere in Kyoto. Ranma walks along, a look of
disgust on his face, visions of Ukyou and Chagi and Tom dancing in
his mind. Then he looks up, just as it begins to pour...)
Ranma-chan: Just my luck... (she runs a bit, then leaps up into the
branches of a nearby tree, which serves to shield her from the worst
of the downpour) Guess I'll have to wait until it dries up a bit so
I don't catch cold or something...
Voice: Zat is a tres prudent move, mademoiselle.
(Ranma-chan leaps around with a very feminine frightened shriek, to
see Chagi hanging upside down from a large limb above her head.)
Ranma-chan: (getting into a defensive posture) Senzai Chagi!
Chagi: Ah, I see my fame has spread tres far. Zat you know of me is...
(Ranma-chan snapkicks at Chagi's face, but he bends his head to the
side to avoid it and continues uninterrupted) magnifique. (thrust,
evade) Now, on to introducing (punch, dodge) yourself... (Chagi avoids
a turn kick and waits expectantly)
Ranma-chan: Go away!
(She launches a flying pivot kick that Chagi is actually forced to
flip upright to avoid.)
Chagi: (flipping back down; laying on the charm) Bonjour, miss Go Away,
it iz good zat we are finally properly introduced. After our...en-
counter at ze pond, I have been dying to meet you once more.
Ranma-chan: I just bet, dying to get your revenge!
(She smiles as an idea comes to her, then with a fierce kiya sends a
powerful crescent kick, not at Chagi, but at the limb he is perched on.
With a satisfying snap the branch discontinues its connection with the
tree, and while gravity takes a few seconds to figure out the limb is
no longer attached, Chagi's eyes have time to widen to the size of
china plates. He then waves his arms frantically and screams in terror
as the branch plummets. Ranma-chan closes her eyes and cups her hand
to her ear just in time to catch the finalizing thud. She smiles in
complete bliss and opens her eyes...only to see Chagi sitting yoga-
style on the end of another branch, which is obviously too small to
support his weight.)
Chagi: (waving a finger in her face) Now zat wasn't tres polite,
mademoiselle.
Ranma-chan: How'd you _do_ that!?
Chagi(annoyed): Zis is not about my incomparable skills, it iz about
how you treat a polite person...
Ranma-chan: What do you expect me to do when you attack me every time
you show up?
Chagi: Pardon moi? If Chagi's memory is correct, it iz toi who assaulted
moi, n'est pas?
Ranma-chan: (stops) [That's right! He doesn't know about the curse!]
(pauses) [But if he's not here to kill me, then...] Fine, what do you
want?
Chagi: Ah, civility triumphs at last. (smiles disarmingly, which doesn't
do anything to Ranma-chan) I wish only zis information.
Ranma-chan: What information?
Chagi: You do know Saotome Ranma and Kuonji Ukyou, n'est pas?
Ranma-chan: (smiles) You _could_ say I know Ranma...
Chagi: And you are tres bonne amis?
Ranma-chan: Huh?
Chagi: Good friends. Are you good friends?
Ranma-chan: I can honestly say I'm closer to Ranma than anyone else,
and I have a...special relationship with Ukyou.
Chagi(pleased): Ah...tres bien, tres bien, zis is fantastique. I was
wondering if you could do me a favour?
Ranma-chan(suspiciously): Which is?
Chagi: (pulls out a bouquet) Could you give zis to mon chere Ukyou?
Ranma-chan: (leans in to see it better) You expect me to... (sniffs and
crinkles her nose) What's that... (getting groggy) ...smell...
Chagi: Zat would be ze chloroform, I believe. (he grabs the back of her
head and pushes her face into the flowers; Ranma-chan struggles for a
moment then goes limp) I figure zat should keep you out for a little
while... (laughs megalomaniacally)
********
(Scene: the kitchen of the Honourable Bull restaurant, where Ukyou is
cleaning off the breakfast dishes, staring pensively out the window.
For a brief moment she sees back to when her and Ranma were talking,
shortly before they left Nerima...)
Ranma: I love you, Ukyou...but not in the way you want me to; you're
my friend, my best friend...but not my girlfriend...
(Ukyou sighs and leans forward, again seeing the moment they left
Nerima, and how when Ranma and Akane looked into each other's eyes
one last time something seemed to pass between them, something Ranma
never shared with...)
Chagi: Bonjour, mon chere. (he has appeared from the sink, rising
like a monster from an old Godzilla movie and sending dishes toppling
to their doom)
Ukyou: (leaping back with a shriek of surprise and shock) Don't _do_
that!!!
Chagi: (hops out, perfectly dry) Gomen, mon chere. I shall not
surprise you again.
Ukyou(menacingly): I meant calling me mon chere...
Chagi: (tosses his hair) Mais my dear, I was simply expounding upon
my love for...
Ukyou: I am not...
Chagi: (cuts her off) I believe zis... (pulls a polaroid from his coat)
shall change your tune. (evil smile)
Ukyou: Nani? (she looks at the picture...)
(And sees Ranma-chan tied up and hanging suspended from the ceiling
of an aquarium, over a tank full of sharks that swim in circles below
her. Ukyou gasps.)
Chagi: Yes, and unless we wish for mademoiselle to become ze main
course, Chagi suggests you cooperate.
Ukyou(hisses): This is no way to get a woman to love you!
Chagi: (smiles) What's love got to do with it?
Shoto: (walks into the kitchen; singing) ...got to do, got to do with
it? What's love... (he exits)
Chagi: (stares for a moment, then shrugs) I just want to gain my
revenge on Ranma for taking my most prized possession by taking _his_
most prized possession.
Ukyou: You're insane!
Chagi: (laughs) Perhaps, mon chere, perhaps, but whom has outsmarted
you both? If you don't cooperate, I swear your little red-haired
friend shall die, elle morte!
Ukyou(growls): What do you want me to do?
Chagi: In five hours you are to meet moi at zis address. (hands her
a file card) And come alone. If I even so much as hear ze name Ranma,
zen my pets eat well tonight.
Ukyou: As long as you hold her, you can be sure I won't mention a word
to Ranma.
Chagi: Magnifique. Very well, see you soon mon chere, and bring your
best dress... (he leaps out the window)
Ukyou: Great... (she stalks out) This is _all_ I need...
********
(Scene: an aquarium, where Ranma-chan is hanging over a pool of sharks.
She blinks her eyes open and notices her predicament.)
Ranma-chan: What the...
Chagi: (standing on the back of one of the slowly circling sharks) Ah,
miss Go Away, you are awake.
Ranma-chan: My name isn't Go Away.
Chagi: Zen may I ask you for it, just so I can tell ze obituaries?
Ranma-chan: I'm Saotome Ran...ko...
Chagi: Saotome! (evil smile) Zat explains your connection to Ukyou,
n'est pas? No wonder she agreed so easily...
Ranma-chan: Agreed to what?
Chagi: Why, to marry moi, of course.
Ranma-chan (jaw drops) M-m-marry...
Chagi: She did it to save you. A good friend, zere.
Ranma-chan: But you want revenge on m...Ranma, not Ukyou!
Chagi: I do zis to gain my final vengeance. (evil chuckle) Think of
how Ranma will feel when he finds out zat _I_ have married his fiancee!
Ranma-chan: But Ukyou doesn't love you!
Chagi: What's love got to do with it?
Shoto: (enters) ...got to do, got to do with it? What's love... (exits)
Chagi: (blinks) How did he... (shakes his head) No matter. I _will_
marry Kuonji Ukyou, and when Ranma comes to take her, zen I shall _crush_
him!
(He pivot kicks with such force that the wall cracks, and laughs
megalomaniacally as Ranma-chan struggles to escape.)
********
(Scene: Ukyou is sorting through her closet, searching for her "best"
dress...however, she only has some rather masculine travelling clothes
and a few more recently-purchased outfits.)
Ukyou(frustrated): I don't even know why I'm bothering! It's not like
I _like_ him or...
Nodoka: (walking in the open door with a basket of laundry) Like who,
dear?
Ukyou: (surprised) Mrs. Saotome!
Nodoka: Just Nodoka, dear. What's bothering you?
Ukyou: Well... (hesitates)
Nodoka(apologetically): Gomen, I shouldn't intrude...
Ukyou: (shakes her head) No, this concerns you too. (sighs) Ranma's
in trouble.
(Nodoka puts down the clothes calmly, but with a hint of concern.)
Nodoka: How so? (Ukyou hands Nodoka the photo; she cocks an eyebrow
and seems to shake briefly, then gets a hold of herself) Who did
this?
Ukyou: Chagi. He wants me...to get back at Ranma...
Nodoka: Ukyou, you don't have to ruin your life for Ranma. The
police...
Ukyou: ...couldn't even touch Chagi. Ranma could take on the
entire Kyoto police force, and Chagi's even bet... (hesitates)
Anyway, I don't have any choice. I have to save him.
Nodoka: You really love him, don't you? Not just some childish
crush...
Ukyou(softly): Hai, I love him. I just wish...
Nodoka: Do what you have to, Ukyou, but don't forget to think
about yourself. There are other things in life besides love.
Ukyou: (turns away) None that matter.
(Nodoka nods sadly and walks out.)
********
(Scene: Tarou Tom's house. The school disciplinary officer is
watering his lawn when Ukyou walks up-dressed in her chef's
outfit-and clears her throat.)
Tarou: Can I help you?
Ukyou: That's what I was hoping you could tell me...
(Cut to a scene not long after; Tarou and Ukyou sit on the
porch with cups of tea.)
Tarou: ...you're saying is, you want me to help you save Ranma's
life?
Ukyou: Hai.
Tarou: (snorts) Why should I?
Ukyou: You owe him. (steel-hard look) Or have you conveniently
forgotten that?
Tarou: Fem-boy only helped me to save his own worthless hide.
He lived, and as far as _I'm_ concerned, that paid off my debt
in full.
Ukyou: (blinks) How'd you...
Tarou: I had a talk with his mother when she came over to ask
about his behaviour at school. Sorry, Ukyou, but Ranma has to
get himself out of this one.
Ukyou: (standing up) I should have never expected any less from
you!
Tarou: (dark look) Don't give me that holier-than-thou treatment.
I never was fem-boy's friend; in fact, I hate his perverted guts,
and I don't think he deserves the love he gets. But I'll help
you here...
Ukyou(confused): You...will?
Tarou: ...to help _you_, not him. Try to give Chagi what he
wants, and what he deserves.
Ukyou: What do you mean?
Tarou: Use his ego against him, his weakness is that he can't
resist the urge to gloat.
Ukyou: How do you know that?
Tarou: (shrugs) I've met his kind before. They're all the same.
Ukyou: Arigato... (pauses) Why are you helping me?
Tarou: (evil chuckle; stands up) Let's just say I haven't for-
gotten how french-boy blew apart my school.
(He walks in.)
********
(Scene: somewhere downtown. Chagi stands on top of a set of
traffic lights, his clothes and hair being tossed dramatically
in the wind-which doesn't seem to be affecting the leaves of any
nearby trees-as he scans the crowd. Finally he spots Ukyou moving
through the people below. He leaps out and lands in front of her;
she starts, then sighs.)
Chagi: Mon chere... (looks her up and down) zis is your best dress?
Ukyou: This was the best thing I had... (sighs expansively) I'm
just so saddened by my horrible fate...
Chagi: (tosses his hair with a hand) Hai, ze feeling of hopeless
defeat is common among Chagi's victims. At any rate, a superior
dress is easily purchased, ne? (grins evilly)
Ukyou:(theatrically tragic look) If only our love was strong
enough to overcome your superior cunning...
Chagi: What's love got to do with it?
Shoto: (walking past them) ...got to do, go to...ugh!
(Ukyou elbows him in the stomach.)
Ukyou: Running gags can only be taken so far! (tosses his over
a nearby building; sighs and returns to supplicant mode) I'm
just glad my friend hasn't seen this...
Chagi: What friend?
Ukyou: (looks into the distance; sparkly eyed with tears) The
one you kidnapped...it would crush her to see me ripped from my
true love's arms by such a cruel diabolical genius...
Chagi: (an idea dawns on him) Come, mon chere, before we journey
to ze church (Ukyou starts) we have someone to see...
(He grabs Ukyou's hand and starts walking, unseen behind him
Ukyou smiles.)
********
(Scene: Ukyou's room, the polaroid is lying on her desk.
Shobayashi enters with a broom and spends a few moment sweeping.
Then he looks down at the desk...)
Shobayashi: (gasps) Natsu Kaji! In mortal danger! (spins
around) I must save her!
(He rips off his clothes, to reveal an okonomiyaki chef's outfit
beneath. He reaches out and pulls a combat spatula out of
nowhere, then leaps towards the window and...smashes into the
glass like a bug and slides off to crash into the floor.)
********
(Scene: the aquarium. Ranma-chan is still suspended over the
sharks, vainly struggling to escape the expertly tied ropes.
She stops as she hears a door open, and looks over to see Ukyou
and Chagi walking in.)
Ranma-chan(surprised): Ucchan!
Ukyou(relieved): Ranchan, you're alright...
Chagi: I though her name was Ranko?
Ukyou: (remembering he's there) Oh...hai... (sadly) Ranko, I'm
being forced to marry Chagi, isn't that sad? (She stares into
Ranma-chan's eyes hard.)
Ranma-chan: Uh... (nods knowingly; horrified) Oh no...it can't
be true!
Ukyou: (looks down) Hai, I'm afraid so.
Ranma-chan(seriously): Don't do that for me, Ukyou. I can get
out of this.
Ukyou(equally serious): I have to. I can't put you in any
danger...
Ranma-chan: Ukyou...
Ukyou: Trust me, Ran...ko, I'm doing what's best here.
(Ukyou inches her foot back and places it next to a cleaning
bucket.)
Chagi: BWAHAHAHAHA!!! (dramatic pose) She shall soon be
Senzai Ukyou, and nozing you or your brother can do will stop
it!
(Ukyou tips over the bucket, which causes a loud clatter as
it spills it's contents.)
Chagi: (spins around) Nani? Who's zere...
(While Chagi is distracted, Ukyou sends a mini-spatula spinning
up at Ranma-chan. She catches the weapon in her toes and hides
it behind her feet as Chagi turns back.)
Chagi: Rats. (snorts) Zis city is a dump.
Ranma-chan: [It'll take too long to cut myself out with Chagi
watching. He'd attack me while I was still helpless...] Ranma's
gonna get you for this, Chagi!
Chagi: If it wasn't for ze continual interruptions, Saotome
Ranma would already be dead. Besides, I made Ukyou swear not
to reveal any of zis to him.
Ukyou: And I didn't.
Chagi: Now come, mon chere, we must be off. Ze priest is
waiting. (he pulls Ukyou out of the room)
Ranma-chan: We'll see who dies, Senzai Chagi!
(She begins to saw at her bonds with the toe-held spatula.)
********
(Scene: a library. At a computer terminal, Ryori is scanning
a microfiche. He spots something that interests him and zooms
in on it-a picture of a certain pig-tailed girl from a Nerima
Ward newspaper.)
Ryori(reading): "In sports news today, formerly undefeated
Martial Arts Rhythmic Gymnastics champion Kunou Kodachi was
dethroned by Furinkan High's mysterious champion, Saotome...
Ranma..." (eyes narrow) [Well, well...Natsu Kaji is named...]
********
(Scene: back at the aquarium, Ranma-chan has cut loose one arm
and is sawing through the last of her bonds.)
Ranma-chan: And that's... (cuts the rope) it!
(She blinks as she now realizes there is nothing keeping her
aloft, this revelation is followed by an abrupt plunge into
the shark tank. For a few moments we can see nothing but
bubbles, and then a shark leaps out of the water with Ranma-
chan desperately holding its jaws apart. A second shark leaps
up to try and snap Ranma-chan in two, but she lashes out with
her foot and sends it flying into yet another shark that leaps
out. Then she tosses herself out of the first shark's mouth,
bounces off a fourth shark's back, pivot kicks another leaping
shark in midair and lands outside the tank.)
Ranma-chan: (sigh of relief) [Now to find that jerk Chagi!]
********
(Scene: outside the aquarium-as shown by the sign "Kyoto Aquarium;
Closed For Renovations"-where Shobayashi walks up to the doors.)
Shobayashi: This is the only aquarium in Kyoto with that many
sharks, which means Natsu Kaji must be inside. Fear not, my love,
for I shall rescue you!
(He begins to climb up the wall, and just as he gets above eye
level, Ranma-male, he apparently found a hot water tap-runs out.)
Ranma: (pauses) If I were marrying someone in a hurry, where would
I go... (snaps fingers) Of course! (he runs off)
(We switch scenes to the interior of the aquarium. Several windows
dot the walls near the ceiling. In one of these a sillouhette
appears, and then the window is smashed apart by a spatula swing
and Shobayashi leaps out over the tanks directly. Then he notices
that a) Natsu Kaji is nowhere in sight, b) he has no means of keep-
ing himself aloft, and c) he is over a tank where several recently-
pissed off aquatic carnivores await.)
Shobayashi: (blink) Uh oh...
********
(Scene: a small chapel in downtown Kyoto. A wedding is going on
inside, just two people and a minister.)
Minister: ...and if there is anyone here who thinks these two
should not be wed, let him speak now or forever hold his...
(Suddenly the door is blown open by the force of a Moko Takabisha.
Ranma runs in as the rubble is still settling and cocks back his
fist.)
Ranma: You're not marrying her!!! KACHUU TENSHIN AMAGURIKEN!!!
(He lays into the groom with a vicious superfast attack which
sends him flying across the room. Then he turns to the bride...)
Ranma: (big smile; sweatdrop) Oops. Sorry, wrong chapel...
(We see the outside of the chapel, where we hear a slap as loud
as a thunderclap.)
********
(Scene: the interior of a large, cathedral-style Catholic church.
Chagi-in a superbly tailored tuxedo that actually suits him quite
well-stands at the altar with a balding old western priest.)
Priest(in passable but accented Japanese): And where is the bride,
young man?
Chagi: Just getting dressed. (smiles) [Soon it will be all over.]
(Quick switch to a room in the cathedral. Ukyou is dressed in a
western wedding gown and is looking out the window.)
Ukyou: [I hope this works...]
(She reaches over to her pile of clothes and pulls out a flare and
a folded-up paper kite. She then ties the flare to the kite and
lights it before letting it out the window. There it is caught in
an updraft and carried high over the roof.)
Ukyou: It's all up to you now, Ranchan...
********
(Scene: Ranma is being tossed out of another chapel, he lands with
a grumble.)
Ranma: How many Christian churches _are_ there in Kyoto!?
Shoto: (popping out of a nearby manhole) Over 30, why? Got any
juicy sins to confess, Saotome?
Ranma: (noting Shoto's entrance point) How appropriate.
(He picks up Shoto and is about to punch him _hard_ when...)
Shoto: (eyes widen) What's that? (points in the air behind Ranma)
(Ranma turns to look and sees...empty sky. Shoto, however, sees
an opportunity and uses it to slip out of his coat and make a run
for it. Ranma notices this almost immediately.)
Ranma: Why that little weasel... (he takes off after Shoto, Ukyou
temporarily forgotten)
********
(Scene: the cathedral, where Ukyou has entered in her gown and
looks...uh...well, just plain gorgeous. Pause a moment here
while Blade recovers. Okay, let's go on. Ukyou hesitates at
the entrance, and for a brief moment envisions Ranma at the altar,
which is of course almost enough to start her crying.)
Chagi: (snapping her back to reality) Don't forget your little
friend, mon chere.
(Ukyou's face hardens, and she wipes her eyes and practically
stalks up the aisle.)
Chagi: Tsk tsk, mon chere, zis is your wedding day. A happy
occasion, no?
Ukyou: (through clenched teeth) If I could get my hands on you
without hurting...
Chagi: (sighs) Ah, but you cannot. (holds up a bouquet) Here, let
us complete ze picture.
(Ukyou takes the flowers and starts when she hears a snap and feels
something clamping around her wrists.)
Chagi: Handcuffs. (smiles evilly) Just in case you zink of doing
anything stupid.
(Ukyou gives Chagi a look that starts to peel the paint off the
wall behind him.)
********
(Scene: a road in Kyoto. Shobayashi is walking-or more accurately
stumbling-along, his body covered in welts and lacerations.)
Shobayashi: No matter the hardship, no matter the cost, I shall
save you, my Natsu Kaji... (sings)
When the world has turned against you,
And you...OOF!
(The "oof" was probably not part of the song, and was more likely
the result of Ranma bouncing off his head in hot pursuit of Shoto.)
Shobayashi: (rocking back and forth) Look mommy, stars... (falls
over)
(We follow Ranma and Shoto for now, as Ranma chases the jerk
through the crowded streets. Ranma, however, is distracted form
his quarry when a flaming kite plunges onto his head. He promptly
falls and rolls to put out the flames with a cry. After a few
moments the fire is out and a scorched Ranma looks for the source
of the kite-and sees a nearby two-story church with a large, long
front lawn and a marble walkway leading up to the front doors.)
Ranma: This can't be just a coincidence...
(He starts to run towards the cathedral.)
********
(Meanwhile, inside: things are coming to a head, as the priest
has reached the vows portion of the ceremony.)
Priest: (droning monotone) ...do you, Senzai Chagi, take Kuonji
Ukyou to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold and
blah blah blah?
Chagi: (cocks an eyebrow) I do.
Priest: (turns to Ukyou) What about you?
Ukyou: What about me?
Priest: Do you?
Ukyou: Do I what? (cutsie smile)
Priest: Listen, I've got a golf game in thirty minutes, so...
Chagi(angrily): Get on with it _properly_ or I'll show you ze
other side of ze wall...ze hard way.
Priest(gulps; hyperfast): DoyouKuonjiUkyoutakeSenzaiChagitobe
yourlawfullyweddedhusbandtohaveandto holdinsicknessandinhealth
aslongasyoubothshalllive? (pants as he tries to catch his
breath)
Ukyou: (hesitates) Iiiiiiii....doooooo....
(At that point the doors slam open and Ranma bursts in.)
Ranma: Hold it right there, Senzai!
Ukyou: (smug smile) ...on't... I don't!
Chagi: (glares at Ukyou) Your little friend iz shark bait.
Ukyou: I don't think so.
Ranma: (stalking forward) Ranko's as safe as I am.
Chagi: (laughs) Zen she is doom-ed! For you are dead!
Ranma: (clenches his fist) Up until now, Chagi, you've just
been another revenge-crazed psycho...but the moment you start
messing with my friends... (glares) is the moment it gets
_personal_!!!
Chagi(mock fear): Ohhh, Chagi is sooooo scared! (laughs megalo-
manically) I am your better, Saotome, and I shall prove it over
your corpse!
(Chagi spins around, tearing off his tux and revealing his usual
garb. When he stands again, his hair and loose clothes are being
whipped by the nonexistant wind.)
Ukyou: (stepping forward) We can take this...
(Chagi does a high wheel kick, drawing a white line with his leg
until he has a half circle between him and Ukyou.)
Chagi: HAKUTORA HA!!!
(The air ripples out in a wall between Chagi and Ukyou. It
strikes the ceiling, which buckles then caves in a bit; not
completely, but enough to put a large pile of rubble behind
Chagi.)
Ranma: (gasps) UKYOU!
Ukyou: (voice from the other side) I'm alright...just blocked
off...
Chagi: Now, no one can save you. (Ranma gets into offensive
position) Take zis! HAKUTORAKYAKU!!!
********
(Scene: outside the church. Shobayashi is making his way up
the walkway; he's in pretty bad shape.)
Shobayashi: I think...I should get...some help rescuing...Natsu
Kaji...
(He comes to the doors...just as they are blown out by the force
of Chagi's shockwave. Shobayashi takes the brunt of the move
and is sent hurtling across Kyoto like a meteor. Shortly after-
ward Ranma rolls out the front door and stands to face his
opponent, still inside.)
Ranma: A church...even a gaijin church, is no place for a battle,
Chagi.
Chagi: (walks out through the settling dust in a dramatic
sillouhette) Very well, combat under ze open sky. (points at
Ranma) I don't care where I kill you, Saotome, just as long
as you're dead.
(Ranma and Chagi begin to circle each other, staring into each
other's eyes as both try to establish mental dominance. Then
in a flash of simultaneous movement they both charge. Chagi
goes right into a flying dropkick, which Ranma rolls out of the
way of. As Chagi lands he automatically sweeps his leg out to
try and catch Ranma, but he has leapt up and away. Chagi turns
and stands erect while Ranma lands and assumes a defensive
position.)
Chagi: You have actually grown better, Saotome. Too bad it came
too late! (he shifts his weight forward) For now I shall reveal
my little..._surprise_ to you! (he leaps high into the air)
DIEEEE!!!!
(Chagi extends his foot, revealing that there is now a sharp
impaling spike attached to the toe. Ranma frantically dodges
the blade and reflexively lashes out with his palm at the
extended leg, but again is thwarted by Chagi's hyperfast response
time.
Chagi rolls under Ranma's thrust and wraps his legs around his
opponent's waist in preparation for a throw. Ranma realizes
this almost immediately and rockets an elbow at Chagi's exposed
back, only to have the Taiwanese fighter release him and rake a
spike across his back. Chagi rolls away, Ranma in too much pain
to pursue-not that he's eager to get in close while Chagi has
those spikes on.)
Ranma(growls): Can't fight fair?
Chagi: Revenge doesn't care about fairness, fool. (he again
leaps into the air) Take ZIS!
(Chagi snaps both legs over his head, and drives the toe spikes
at Ranma. He leaps aside to avoid them, but Chagi hits him in
the shoulders with a mid-air somersault kick. Ranma is driven
to his knees, but lashes out with a barrage of elbow jabs now
that Chagi's in close. He manages to dodge them all and crescent
kicks out, catching Ranma with his haunch and knocking him away.
Ranma then decides to go on the offensive, since defence hasn't
worked out too well so far. With a fierce kiai he launches a
series of sweeping kicks at his opponent. Then Chagi responds,
and boy, does he respond. He parries Ranma's kicks with kicks
of his own, which tosses Ranma off-balance, giving Chagi enough
time to launch a revolving, flying upward sweep kick that ends
abruptly as he stops his foot right in front of Ranma's face.)
Chagi(almost negligently): Hakutorakyaku...
(Ranma, however, gives out a great yell-of pain-as the shockwave
catches him with full force and sends him flying into the church
wall.)
Chagi: (landing easily) You're finished, Saotome...
Ranma: (barely manages to keep his footing) I'm not finished yet,
you jerk!
Chagi:(smiles) We shall see.
Ranma: [I've only got one trick left...it can't fail!] (Ranma
begins to glow)
(Chagi leaps at Ranma, foot extended towards him in a vicious
final kick. Then Ranma raises his arm and voice in what-he
hopes-is the last move of the fight.)
Ranma: HIRYUU SHOTEN HA!!!
(Ranma's whirlwind forms, inviting Chagi to his doom. But then
he flies to the right of the vortex, having never actually aimed
his attack at Ranma, who was apparently too tired and injured to
notice. He lands lightly and waits for Ranma to either disp
erse the move or foolishly exhaust himself continuing it. Ranma
chooses the only prudent option and drops the vortex, to be
greeted by a rising tiger spinkick that sends him bouncing across
the lawn. Ranma raises himself-with difficulty-to his hands and
knees.)
Chagi: Zis is it, Ranma! Ze end is now! (raises his leg) Let's
see you avoid _zis_! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!
(Ranma sees a vision of Ukyou in Chagi's arms, crying as Chagi
laughs over Ranma's gravestone. His face goes _hard_.)
Chagi: HAKUTORAKYAKU FINISHER!!!
(He leaps, pivots in midair and pushes both feet towards Ranma,
releasing the biggest shockwave yet. This one tears apart the
ground in a wide trench and barrels at Ranma like an ICBM, but
Ranma doesn't even attempt to avoid it. Somehow he pulls
himself up and leans back, then thursts his cupped hands
forward.)
Ranma: SHISHI HOKODAN!!!
(The heavy ki sphere that forms is easily the most powerful
Ranma has ever managed. It blows apart Chagi's wave-in a
spectacular pyrotechnic burst of light with dramatic BGM, of
course-and leaves Ranma standing, unscathed by that attack.
Chagi lands prone and gapes at him.)
Chagi: Zis is impossible! No one could have had ze strength
left for zat!
Ranma: (eyes narrow) I just got my second wind.
(Ukyou rounds the corner, having finally escaped her cuffs and
climbed out the window, and sees the two facing off. Chagi has
regained his feet, but looks shaky; apparently his continual
use of supermoves is draining his strength, especially that last
one.)
Ukyou: You can do it, Ranchan!
(Ranma stalks forward, an intense blue glow flaring around him.
Chagi growls and begins to glow with his own bright yellow aura.)
Chagi(enraged): My revenge shall not be undone again!
Ranma(steady tone): Get used to it, pal.
(Chagi charges at Ranma, who dodges the first eighteen kicks-all
within the space of a heartbeat-with ease. Then, instead of his
customary counterattack he goes on defence, and Chagi is thrown
off-balance when he crescent kicks at where he'd anticipated
Ranma to be. Ranma takes advantage of this to push Chagi away;
he was too defensively positioned to lash out with a serious
attack. Chagi's face becomes-if possible-even more enraged, and
he instantly goes into a Soutora Senpuukyaku, which Ranma easily
rolls under. Chagi lands almost a dozen feet away, looking none
too pleased.)
Ranma(impersonating Chagi's accent): Zis wasn't expected, was it?
Chagi: DIE SAOTOME!!!
(He launches three shockwaves in rapid succession, all of which
Ranma dodges. Chagi is breathing heavily now, having used up
most of his strength in his draining-and futile-supermoves.)
Chagi(roars): I shall not be denied!
(Again Chagi charges, delivering a series of kicks so fast the
human eye can only see a blur. Ranma merely backpeddles and
rolls to the side once Chagi's finished. Chagi-again expecting
a counterstrike-launches a knee out, which of course misses.
Ranma footsweepes Chagi, who barely manages to dodge, and
somersaults to his feet, a smile of pure delight on his face.)
Ranma: It's over, Chagi.
Chagi: NEVER!!!
(He launches some powerful-but hideously slow compared to his
normal attacks-kicks, all of which Ranma knocks away with
contemptuous parries.)
Ranma: (as Chagi attempts to regain his breath) Are you _quite_
finished?
(Chagi roars and leaps high into a powerful overhead axe kick,
just the mistake Ranma had been waiting for. He cups his hands,
and as Chagi reaches the top of his arc he pushes them skyward.)
Ranma: MOKO TAKABISHA!!!
(He unleashes a thick beam of blazing yellow ki. Chagi gasps
and tries to use his spinkick to divert his path...but discovers
he doesn't have the steength left in him to perform it. Of
course, when the blast hits Chagi is instantly knocked unconscious-
barely short of being torn apart-and is sent shooting into the
stratosphere like a blazing yellow comet. Then once Chagi is
out of sight, Ranma stops the maneuver and falls to his knees,
not in much better shape. Ukyou-who else?-runs over to help him.)
Ranma(low, very tired voice) HA...told you...I...could beat him...
(Ranma collapses into Ukyou's arms, unconscious.)
Ukyou: (staring down at Ranma) I knew it all along...
********
(Scene: a street in Kyoto. Shobayashi is walking-err...staggering
would be better-along. He is covered in bandages and is using his
bent and twisted combat spatula as a crutch.)
Shobayashi: Must...rest...THEN...rescue...Natsu Kaji...
(At this point a charred Chagi drops from the heavens and falls on
Shobayashi, sending him into merciful unconsciousness.)
********
(Scene: the Honourable Bull, the kitchen. Ukyou stumbles in with
Ranma, and Nodoka-who was loading the large dishwasher-gasps in
shock.)
Nodoka(concerned): Ranma...what happened?
(We see the sunset outside, and then Ranma and Shobayashi's room,
where Ranma is on his futon, still unconscious. Nodoka and Ukyou
are kneeling on either side of him.)
Ukyou: ...and then I carried him back here.
Nodoka: (leans back) I see. (after a thoughtful pause) What
Chagi did was wrong...
Ukyou: _That's_ an understatment.
Nodoka: I'm glad you agree... (she stands) because forcing
someone into a situation they don't want is always wrong...
Ukyou(slightly confused): Hai...
Nodoka: ...whether the force used is threat of physical injury...
or the bonds of kindness.
(Ukyou looks at Nodoka, her lower lip trembling as the
implications of that statement hit home. Nodoka looks slightly
sad, then forces a look of casual indifference onto her face.)
Nodoka: (walking out) Think about that.
(Ukyou stares after Nodoka, tears running down her cheeks.
Unconsciously she intertwines her hand with Ranma's...)
********
(Scene: the following morning. Ranma has regained consciousness,
but is still injured and seems to be most comfortable sitting down.
Ukyou is sitting close to him as usual, but is not cooing over his
injuries like she normally would, and seems to have a faraway look
on her face. Shobayashi-in a full body cast-has been leaned
against the wall and is being spoon fed by Meushi. Oushi is
grinning broadly and patting a similarly smiling Genma on the back.
Ryori is listening to Ranma describe his battle with Chagi with
interest, only occasionally eating. Shoto has apparently been
threatened into silence. Nodoka is nowhere in sight.)
Oushi: You defended the family honour well, boy!
Genma: He is _my_ son, after all.
Ranma: (looks at Shobayashi) Shouldn't he be at the hospital or
something?
Meushi: (dismissive gesture) Pshaw, we martial artists have
something for almost any injury.
Shobayashi(mournfully): Natsu Ka...mrpf! (Meushi forces another
spoonful of glop down his throat, cutting him off)
Ryori: (snorts) My mother practically thinks photos steal her
soul. Hospitals are _not_ her favourite places.
Ukyou: It's just being old-fashioned, Ryori.
Ryori: More like obsessively and needlessly relying on archaic
methods.
Meushi: Ryori...
Ryori: (bows) Gomen nasai...but that type of thing annoys me.
(At this point Nodoka walks into the room with handful of parcels
and letters.)
Nodoka: Mail call. Let's see...bill, bill, bill, bill, here's
your copy of Computer Insider, Ryori...
Ryori: (take the magazine) Domo.
Nodoka: Bill, bill, bill, bill, bob, bill, bill, bill...here's
one for you, Ranma...
Ranma: Me? (he takes it) Who would... (blinks) Akane... (excited)
Akane! She wrote back!
(Ukyou looks like somebody just stabbed her, that's how much she
flinches.)
Ranma: (rips it open) I was beginning to think she wouldn't write...
(He reads, and as he does we hear Akane's voiceover.)
Letter:
Ranma,
Well, it certainly took you long enough to write, you baka!
Just kidding. I'm glad to hear you settle down for awhile, at
least to finish school. I know you and...
Ranma: (pauses) She scratched the next part out... (continues)
Letter:
Anyway, things are different here in Nerima. Something seems
to be...missing, you know? The martial artists all seem to have
dirfted off...except for Ryouga. He's stayed around and helped me
fight off the horde at school. Oh yeah! All of those stupid guys
are attacking me again now that you're gone. By the way, Ryouga-
kun didn't seem too happy when I got your letter. Maybe you should
send him one too?
Kuno is as insufferable as always, but he spends a lot of his
time wailing over his pig-tailed goddess. I guess you've got to
feel sorry for him. Kodachi just stays outside the dojo all day,
holding a bouquet of roses. I asked her about it, and she just
laughed and told me she was waiting for you and wouldn't leave until
you came back. We set up a tent, and Kasumi feeds her.
Shampoo spent a week trying to level Nerima, but she calmed
down recently, go figure. You can tell Ukyou that Tsubasa left a
few days ago, swearing to find you both. Mousse is ridiculously
happy, too caught up in joy over your departure to notice Shampoo
is ignoring him as usual, poor guy.
I'm doing fine, but things certainly are kinda boring around
here. I never thought I'd miss [the next word is scratched out]
all those martial artists showing up and trying to rip your guts
out. I hope you're happy in Kyoto. Until we meet again.
Best wishes,
Akane
P.S.: When your letter arrived, I'd wondered why it took so long.
I asked the mailman about it and he said it had arrived a few days
ago. The really funny thing is that Shampoo used to be hanging
around the dojo a lot, but she isn't anymore...strange, huh?
(Ranma puts down the letter with a frown.)
Ranma: Why would Shampoo be around the dojo?
(At this point, the answer comes through the wall in the form of
a certain purple-haired Chinese girl who glomps onto Ranma from
behind, causing his [and everyone else's] eyes to bulge.)
Shampoo(excited and happy): NIHAO!!! Airen!
Oushi: (coated in flames) RAAAANNNNNMMMMMAAAA!!!
Ranma: (sighs) Here we go again...
To be continued...
Author's Postscript: So ends Chapter 4 of the continuing sage of
Ranma: The Kyoto Chronicles. I hope this chapter helped answer
a few questions.
First and foremost is the matter of Chagi, whom several people
who preread for me said was a "shallow rip-off for Ryouga". As you
can see, this is not ture. Chagi is a slimeball to top all slime-
balls. He's emotionally and mentally depraved, amoral, with all
the values of pond scum. This is a guy that is perfectly willing
to ruin a young girl's life just for shock value in his battle with
Ranma. Not to mention he wants to _kill_ Ranma for merely bouncing
off his head, once, and without even meaning it! Chagi _is_ a
long-term rival...but not really for Ukyou's affections. He just
wants to kill Ranma for the sake of killing Ranma.
Now, unless you have the IQ of Kuno (somewhere in the high
single digits, I believe) you've probably figured out the storyline
of our next xhapter. That's right, mega-chapter 2, Chapter 5 deals
witht he return of everyone's favourite-NOT! *gag*choke*puke*-
Chinese bimbo. The title is "Bai Bai My China Girl", which might
suggest something to the astute... (evil chuckle)
Tarou: (whacks Epsilon) That's _my_ catchphrase!
Epsilon: (looks annoyed) I wrote you!
Tarou: (walking away) So? You just wrote me hitting you, then.
(Blade snickers.)
Epsilon: I hate psychoanalysis...
Blade: Anyway folks, for more of my brilliant writing...
Epsilon: _My_ brilliant writing...
Blade: _Our_ brilliant writing, you can contact me, Blade, the
PR man at chmcneil@upei.ca.
Epsilon: Or, if you want to talk to the _writer_, and not some
trumped-up typist who's obsessed with Ukyou and has a .sig longer
than some fanfics, you can e-mail me at apeori@ug.cs.dal.ca.
Blade: At least _I_ am not the most humourless person alive.
Epsilon: No, you're the most egotistical person alive.
Blade: Hey, I resent that!
Epsilon: Resemble it is more like.
Blade: Besides, Ranma's _much_ more egotistical than me...
<growls> that stupid insensitive jerk...
Epsilon: You been watching the Shampoo's jewel OAV again?
Blade: PREPARE TO DIE, FEM-BOY!!!!
(Pulling out a sword, he runs off in the general direction
of Japan.)
Epsilon: I guess that's a yes...