After some nice C&C, I worded a lot of things a bit differently. Not a
significantly changed story, but hopefully, it reads easier. ^_^

The Gift- the Promise: By Monica Shin


        Am I supposed to feel? Not anymore- or is that never? Never before, 
never again. No, I think I did, once. When I was younger. Feel- not just 
wanting, but needing, that... I don't, of course. How could I? I am who I am.

        Why? Why am I so bothered by this last hunt? I shouldn't be. It is 
my job to give death. No, not just my job, my identity. Sakurazukamori- 
assassin, killer. Hunter, Guardian of the Grave. That is what I have been, 
and will always be. That is all. My last prey was not even that special, 
except...

        It had been my first hunt, since my opposite's death. Since his last, 
almost feeble attempt to stop me, to end our little game. Not much of a game, 
really. He had been too emotional, especially about me. Passion may have 
given him power, but it did not give him enough. Actually, it had been 
laughably easy to just reach through his defenses, and to kill him.

        He had been surprised, I think. Death had come as a sort of a shock 
to him. But why? It was so obvious that he wasn't good enough... he had been 
too attached to me, to his perception of my mask. Even when he knew who I 
really was, he had still hesitated a little. I played with him- what would a 
hunt be, without a few feints? 

        I don't think he ever understood how little those gestures meant 
to me. That occasional touch, the hint of seduction in my voice. The mask, 
the pretense of feeling. All of it gave him a bit of desperate hope, and 
that made the hunt even sweeter. But now, it was over. I ended it there, 
with my hand through his chest, his blood staining those pure white robes 
red...

        He tried to speak, before he died. His eyes had been almost 
unbelieving, seeing my hand through his heart. Then, somehow- they had 
changed. Accepting, it seemed to me, his own death. Perhaps. He smiled up 
at me then- a smile full of pain and hope. It had died, when he saw my eyes. 
Saw how little he meant to me.

        Yes, it had been interesting to see the hunt end. The moment when 
the prey knows that it is trapped, that the hunter has finished it. That one
last moment of resistance, and then, to the death it has been given. He had
grabbed my hand, pulling it out of himself. Actually, I had been a bit 
surprised, that he had had such strength left.

        "Seishirou-san..." He managed to gasp out, and then, gave that 
bloody hand a kiss. Why? He knew I didn't care... but he did it anyway. 
Then, he coughed, once, twice. He looked at his own hands over mine, and I 
knew that he couldn't move them anymore. The last bit of strength was fading. 
Death was near.

        I reached over, to pull my hand away from his. The hunt was over, 
the prey vanquished. Why should I stay for the death throes? But he was 
still clinging on. I still had respect for this one. He was by far the most 
powerful of the ones I've hunted. So I stayed, waited.

        He let out a few more harsh gasps, before finally managing a few 
last words. "I give it to you..." was all he said, before putting my hand 
to his cheek. Then, he let go. Release. Gone. His soul had flown. Finished.
I looked at his bloody cheek for a moment, the blood his own. Then I wiped 
it off, and let his body disappear into pink cherry blossoms. My trademark 
of the end of a hunt.

        Looking back to that moment, I wondered what he meant. I give it to 
you- Given what to me? What could he have to give me? Not that it really
mattered. It was over. There was nothing to think about, except as a memory 
of one of my best hunts. What else could it be? But I am still uneasy.

	This had been the first hunt, after my victory over him. Somehow, 
something was off. Just a little. It had been easy- he had been a corrupt 
man, destroying a bit of my protectorate. My shadowed place had known that 
it had been time to strike, as had I. But while I had done my task, 
something- something had recoiled. Disturbed that equilibrium I had always 
felt. How odd...

        Here I was, walking in the park, under the trees of my self. Of my
name. Blossoms swirl around, caressing my face. It is night, and there 
is a moon out, full and unusually bright. Why am I here, brooding? There 
shouldn't be anything wrong. There isn't...

        Then I felt it. A tug on my soul. How strange. Another hunt 
beginning already? So soon? But- no, this tug was different. It's not from 
my shadowed self, I think. It does not feel like the blowing of the hunt's 
horn to me... Not a call for me to battle. It is gentler, but no less 
driving for it. 

        I let it lead me, to a girl weeping. I walked up to her, touched 
her shoulder. She, understandably startled, looked up at me. Then, as if 
assured by my smile- how sad- she flung herself onto me, and started to 
whisper her tale to me. It was a rather typical one, I suppose. One of love 
betrayed, lost. Why was I pulled to her? She did not seem like the usual 
target.

        Then, from inside myself came a compulsion. I found myself embracing
her, murmuring some calming words. Then somehow, I was compelled to reach 
into myself--into my heart. There, I found a wall, made of glass. Yet, I 
could sense that it was too strong to break. I saw a deep, still pool on the 
other side, and I knew that was where the compulsion wanted me to go.

        The wall... it should not be broken. Somehow, I knew that. But there 
was no way to stop it from happening- no way to stop myself. I warred within
heart, trying to force the wall down. And then, a crack appeared. A crack, 
and then a visible break... shattering. It came down, and rained slivers of 
glass and pain upon me.

        Pain--I feel it. The pain of a heart in agony. Betrayed and 
saddened. What was I feeling? Her? How? I should not be feeling anything... 
It is impossible. This pain- it somehow led me to a solution. In it, I found
an answer, a statement that she needed to hear. 

	The pain- her pain- lessened as she listened to my voice. And then, 
she went away, her pain fading, as my answer reached her heart. She left
with a smile and a word of gratitude. Left behind her an oddly shattered
man...

        The slivers of feeling, of hurt were in me- only to be washed away 
by the pool on the other side of the wall. The deep waters of healing, which 
had used me as a conduit to heal her. Why was this here? I have known the 
full sum of myself, for as long as I have been Sakurazukamori. Empty, barren. 
Death, the Hunter. That is what I am...

        No. I hear a voice, a whisper through my heart. *I gave it to you.* 
Those words again, in his voice. But he is dead. Gone. I did not feel 
anything, cannot feel anything. The waters swirl about me, receding. I am 
left naked and alone. Shivering and cold. Cold- yes, cold is good. Numbing, 
unfeeling. Perhaps that will bring me back to my own self...

        Yet somehow, that too is gone. I am left in a warm glow, as the 
whisper reaches me again. *I give it to you.* It is puzzled, the voice. 
*Don't you know?*, it asked me, wondering. *Don't you know that to be the 
head of the Sumeragi clan, to be heir to the power, is as much a compulsion 
as your death-dealing?*

        I hear the voice, and cannot comprehend. *Won't comprehend ?*, it 
asked me. Then a touch, through the glow. But no one is here. I protest to 
myself. No one can be here. There is nothing in my heart. That is my 
identity--my self. I am nothing but the Hunter. How can there be something 
here?

        That is when it hits me, a wave of sensation? No, not merely that. 
Emotion. Pain, joy, confusion, depression. All the wants, needs, hopes of a 
city. Of a place full of people, of hearts. I am drowning, losing myself in 
the mass of lives, when I am again only myself. 

        A shield, protecting me. Stopping it, but only for a short while... 
I somehow know that. The voice, again whispers to me. *The head must always 
deal with this. It is our greatest power, and our greatest weakness. Caring,
healing- that can sometimes only be done by looking, feeling with the hearts 
of others.*

        I look around- I want to know who is speaking. But I do know... It 
is him. His gift to me has done this. He is here, now. Here, as he was at 
his death, only without the blood, the pain. He smiles, and holds my hand 
much like he had done before. *I am here*, he says. *I have come.* 

        The hand-grasp has released something in me. Something that should 
not be. An aberration, for Sakurazukamori. Emotion. Feeling. Need. Want. 
Love. All of this is impossible- it must be eradicated. But it is there. He 
is there. And somehow, I want this. But-

        He hears my thoughts, for in my heart, my thoughts are almost 
speech. He puts his lips on my hand, gently, before speaking. *It is an 
aberration for Sakurazukamori. But not for the 14th head of the Sumeragi 
Clan. For that position, feeling is the most important thing to do. The 
most natural.*

        Then he shows me. Without words, without speaking. A kiss, and 
knowledge. Balance. Temperance. I must be Sakurazukamori. That is what I 
am. But I am now also Sumeragi. Peace-giver, healer. helper. Both identities 
in now in league. There is no conflict. I am both, in order to protect my 
guardianship.

        *You see, now. We were too wild, too free. Too separate. I could 
not see that death is necessary, and you did not see the need for healing, 
in the face of your power.* Then, he is leaving. Leaving me alone. I cry out 
wordlessly, in an inarticulate plea. 

	Another gentle smile. He is free, of all the bitterness and pain 
that had so marred that face before. *This is your redemption. Your new 
role. You will be called to kill, and to heal. Both must be done. You will 
feel as the killer. But you will also feel as you are healing. And in doing 
both, you will love. Do both for your protectorate, your guardianship. Then, 
one day...* The glow disappears, and the voice, the memory is gone.

        I am left, in the shambles of my heart. I know that it is almost 
morning, and that I must leave, soon. I know, and yet, cannot move. How 
can it be? I am Hunter. But somehow, now I am also Healer. 

	Feelings- I have them now. Somewhat. I can care now, about that 
weeping girl. Care, for those who reach out, those whom I can feel in my 
heart. One day... that is what he said. Death and Life balanced. I will be 
both. Until I can feel his soul again. Until... 

	I get up, off the bench. It will be hard. The pain in my heart 
will grow stronger, every time I kill. But that killing is part of it. Death
is always a part of my life, of my identity.  Now, so is life. But it 
will be worth it, I think. Somehow, I know that it will be a goal worth 
living for, reaching for. 

	One day... I look around. The cherry blossoms around me are not as 
usual. Before, they were almost sentient; alive and looking to feed. 
Now they... feel? No, they know- know that I am changed. They are still 
there; still present. But some are not pink; not filled with death. A few 
are a pledge to my redemption. A promise to that one day...

-----
Monica Shin--- monica@pipeline.com- Fav. Anime/Manga-
CLAMP stuffs- RGV, TB, X, MKR, CCD, 20 Menso, CCSakura, Wish
MBoy, GWing, Esca, SDunk, RKenshin, FY, YYH, EVA, Zetsuai, 
Fav. Charas- Akira, Ashura-ou, Hiei, Hiiro, Kenshin, Subaru
Visit my homepage! http://www.pipeline.com/~monica/