Well! This came out of nowhere. Really, really out of nowhere. Hmm... This
is a sort of Sei-chan story, after the last fight- but it's not really X.
More like just after TB. Hard to explain, really. This is a thinking fic-
you know me and my character pieces ^_^;;; comments and such please! 


The Gift- the Promise: By Monica Shin


        Am I supposed to feel? Not anymore- or is that never? Never before, 
never again. No, I think I did, once. When I was younger. Feel- not just 
wanting, but needing, that... I don't, of course. How could I? I am, after 
all...

        Why? Why am I so bothered by this last hunt? I shouldn't be. It is 
my job. No, not just my job, my identity. Sakurazukamori- assassin, killer. 
Hunter, Guardian of the Grave. That is what I have been, and will always be. 
That is all. My last hunt was not even that special, except...

        My first, since his death. His feeble attempt to stop me, to end 
our game. Not much of a game, really. He was too emotional, especially about 
me. Passion may have given him power, but it did not give him enough. 
Actually, it was laughably easy to just reach through his defenses, and to 
kill him.

        He was surprised, I think. Sort of a shock to him? But why? It was 
so obvious that he wasn't good enough... he had been too attached to me, to 
his perception of my mask. Even when he knew who I really was, he had still 
hesitated a little. I played with him- what would a hunt be, without a few 
feints? 

        I don't think he ever understood how little those gestures meant 
to me. That occasional touch, the hint of seduction in my voice. The mask, 
the pretense of feeling. All of it gave him a bit of desperate hope, and 
that made the hunt even sweeter. But it is over, now. I ended it there, with 
my hand through his chest, his blood staining those pure white robes red...

        He tried to speak, before he died. His eyes were almost unbelieving, 
seeing my hand through his heart, and then, somehow, they changed. Accepted, 
it seemed to me, his death. Perhaps. He smiled up at me, a smile full of 
pain, and hope. It died, when he saw my eyes. Saw how little he meant to me.

        Yes, it was interesting to see the hunt end. The moment when the 
prey knows that it is trapped, that the hunter has finished it. One last 
moment of resistance, and then, to the death it has been given. He grabbed 
my hand, pulling it out of himself. Actually, I had been a bit surprised, 
that he had had such strength left.

        "Seishirou-san..." He managed to gasp out, and then, gave that 
bloody hand a kiss. Why? He knew I didn't care... but he did. Then, he 
coughed, once, twice. He looked at his own hands over mine, and I knew that 
he couldn't move them anymore. The last bit of strength was fading. Death 
was near.

        I reached over, to pull my hand away from his. The hunt was over, 
the prey vanquished. Why should I stay for the death throes? But he was 
still clinging on. I still had respect for this one. He was by far the most 
powerful of the ones I've hunted. So I stayed, and waited.

        He let out a few more harsh sighs, before finally managing a few 
last words. "I give it to you..." was all he said, before putting my hand 
to his cheek. Then, release. Gone. I looked at his bloody cheek for a 
moment, bloody with his own. Then I wiped it off, and then let his body 
disappear, into blossoms. My trademark end of the hunt.

        Looking back to that moment, I wondered what he meant. I give it to 
you? Give what, and to me? What could he have to give me... Not that it 
mattered. It was over. There was nothing to think about, except as a memory 
of one of my best hunts. What else could it be?

        But I am still wondering. The first hunt, after him. Somehow, 
something was off. Just a bit... It had been easy- he had been a corrupt 
man, destroying a bit of my guardianship. My shadowed place had known that 
it had been time to strike, and I had. But as I had done so, something... 
something had recoiled. Disturbed that equilibrium I always felt... Odd.

        Here I was, walking in the park, under the trees of my self. 
Blossoms swirling around, caressing my face. It is night, and there is a 
moon out, full and unusually bright. Why am I here, brooding? There 
shouldn't be anything wrong...

        Then I felt it. A tug on my soul. How odd. Already, another hunt 
beginning? So soon... But somehow, this tug was different. Not from my 
shadowed self, I think. It does not feel like the blowing of the hunt's 
horn to me... Not a call for me to battle. It is gentler, but no less 
driving for it. 

        I let it lead me, to a girl weeping. I walked up to her, touched 
her shoulder. She started, and looked up at me. Then, as if assured by my 
smile- how sad- she flung herself onto me, and started to whisper her tale 
to me. It was a rather typical one, I suppose. One of love betrayed, lost. 
Why was I pulled to her? She did not seem like the usual target.

        Then, from inside myself came a compulsion. I found myself embracing
her, murmuring some calming words, before reaching into myself. Into my 
heart, and finding a wall. It was almost glass, but too strong to break. I 
could see a deep, still pool on the other side, and I knew that it was 
where the compulsion wanted me to go.

        The wall... it should not be broken. Somehow, I knew that. But there 
was no way to stop it from happening- no way to stop myself. I warred within
heart, trying to force the wall down. And then, a crack appeared. A crack, 
and then a visible break... shattering. It came down, and rained slivers of 
glass and pain upon me.

        Pain. I feel it. The pain of a heart in agony. Betrayed and 
saddened. What was I feeling? Her? How... I should not be feeling anything... 
The pain led me to a solution, a solution I found myself telling her. The 
pain lessened, as she listened to my voice. And then, she left, dimming the 
hurt. Left with a smile, and a word of gratitude. Left an oddly shattered 
man behind her.

        The slivers of feeling, or hurt were in me, only to be washed away 
by the pool on the other side of the wall. The deep waters of healing, which 
had used me as a conduit to heal her. Why was this here? I have known the 
full sum of myself, for as long as I have been Sakurazukamori. Empty, barren. 
Death, the Hunter. That is what I am...

        No. I hear a voice, a whisper through my heart. *I gave it to you.* 
Those words again, in his voice. But he is dead. Gone. I did not feel 
anything. Feel... The waters swirl about me, and then recede. I am left, 
naked and alone. Cold, shivering. Cold... yes, that is good. Numbing, 
unfeeling. Bring me back to my own self...

        Yet, that too is gone. I am left in a warm glow, as the whisper 
reaches me again. *I give it to you.* It is puzzled, the voice. "Don't you 
know?", it asked me, wondering. *Don't you know that to be the head of the 
Sumeragi clan, to be heir to the power, is as much a compulsion as your 
death-dealing?*

        I hear the voice, and cannot comprehend. *Won't comprehend ?*, it 
asked me. Then a touch, through the glow. But no one is here. I protest to 
myself. No one can be here. There is nothing in my heart. That is my 
identity, my self, and I am nothing but the Hunter. Why is something here?

        That is when it hits me, a wave of sensation? No, not merely that. 
Emotion. Pain, joy, confusion, depression. All the wants, needs, hopes of a 
city. Of a place full of people, of hearts. I am drowning, losing myself in 
the mass of lives, when I am again only myself. 

        A shield, protecting me. Stopping it, but only for a short while... 
I somehow know that. The voice, again whispers to me. *The head must always 
deal with this. It is our greatest power, and our greatest weakness. Caring,
healing- that can sometimes only be done by looking, feeling with the hearts 
of others.*

        I look around- I want to know who is speaking. But I do know. It is 
him. His gift to me has done this. Then he is there. As he was at his death, 
only without the blood, the pain. He smiles, and hold my hand much like he 
had done before. *I am here*, he says. *I am here.* 

        The hand-grasp has released something in me. Something that should 
not be. An aberration, for Sakurazukamori. Emotion. Feeling. Need. Want. 
Love. That is impossible- it must be eradicated. But it is there. He is 
there. And somehow, I want this... But.

        He hears my thoughts, for in my heart, my thoughts are almost 
speech. He puts his lips on my hand, gently, before speaking. *It is an 
aberration for Sakurazukamori. But not for the 14th head of the Sumeragi 
Clan. For that position, feeling is the most important thing to do. The 
most natural.*

        Then he shows me. Without words, without speaking. A kiss, and 
knowledge. Balance. Temperance. I must be Sakurazukamori. That is what I 
am. But I am now also Sumeragi. Peace-giver. Healer. Helper. Both identities 
in league, now. No conflict. I am both, in order to protect my guardianship.

        *You see, now. We were too wild, too free. Too separate. I could 
not see that death is necessary, and you did not see the need for healing, 
in the face of your power.* Then, he is leaving. Going. I cried out, 
wordlessly, an inarticulate plea. Another gentle smile. He is free, of all 
the bitterness and pain that marred that face before.

        *This is your redemption. Your new role. You will be called to kill, 
and to heal. Both must be done. You will feel little, as killer. But you 
will feel as you are to heal. And in doing both, you will love. Do both for 
your land, your guardianship. Then, one day...* The glow disappears, and 
the voice, the memory is gone.

        I am left, in the shambles of my heart. I know that it is almost 
morning, and that I must leave, soon. I know, and yet, cannot move. How 
can it be? I am Hunter, and now, I am Healer. Feelings. I have them now. 
Somewhat. I can care, about that girl who was so sad. Care, for those who 
reach out, those whom I can feel in my heart.

        One day... that is what he said. One day- that will be my new 
identity. Death and Life, balanced. I will be both, until. Until I can feel
his soul again. Until... Then I get up, off the bench. It will be hard. The 
pain in my heart will grow stronger, every time I kill. But that is part of 
it. Of life, and of my identity. 

        But... it will be worth it, I think. Somehow, I know that it will 
be a goal worth living for, reaching for. One day... I look around. The 
cherry blossoms around me are not as usual. Before, they were almost 
sentient, almost alive- looking to feed. Now, they feel?- no, they know that 
I am changed. They are still there, still present. But some are not pink, 
not filled with death. A few are a pledge to my redemption. A promise to 
that one day...


-----
Monica Shin--- monica@pipeline.com- Fav. Anime/Manga-
CLAMP stuffs- RGV, TB, X, MKR, CCD, 20 Menso, CCSakura, Wish
MBoy, GWing, Esca, SDunk, RKenshin, FY, YYH, EVA, Zetsuai, 
Fav. Charas- Akira, Ashura-ou, Hiei, Hiiro, Kenshin, Subaru
Visit my homepage! http://www.pipeline.com/~monica/