Lateral dimensional transit.
In the experince of most, it was simply passing from a two-dimensional
existence into the third, or more simply walking to the refrigerator for
a beer. However, dimensions exist beyond humankind's limited
perception... eleven in this universe alone, and in other universes...
Kris set aside page 7,248 of his scribblings on grand quantum theory-
something he'd been laboring on ever since he'd seen the article in
Scientific American about how good old Stephen Hawking had demonstrated
dimension-travel to be mathematically possible- and turned to the huge,
ugly apparratus he'd constructed. Vacuum tubes here, twin Honda
gasoline-powered generators here... the principle was really deceptively
simple when you came down to it.
Of course, the machine itself, and the mathematical proof behind it,
only took up fifteen hundred sheets worth of scribbled, sloppy
equations. Being able to fix a destination- that had required three
thousand more pages, delving into probability theory, and finally
resulting in a twenty-coordinate plotting system. And locating the
specific destination; that had taken nine thousand, one hundred and
twenty-two pages.
And it was done. The coordinates gleamed from the small control panel.
The doorway would remain open, but no one save himself would be able to
return through it. He checked his clothes over, picked up a small stack
of books, and activated the gateway.
Funny, he thought, half the people I know would kill to be able to do
this...
... and he stepped through the gate into Nerima.
Kris looked around, smiling. Yes, he thought, everything is as it
should be. Now, to find the Tendo Dojo. I only hope my Japanese is good
enough, he thought. A two-year crash course in self-study isn't much to
go on, but I shouldn't embarrass myself too badly...
"Hey, watcha doin'?" a voice asked in English behind him.
"WHA?!?" Kris jumped and turned, almost falling down in the process, to
see a Japanese boy, late teens, dressed in Chinese peasant's clothes and
sandals, looking at him. His hair was fairly shaggy in front and tied
into a short pony-tail in the back. "Hey, are you all right, buddy?" he
asked. "You look kinda lost."
Kris gasped. "You... you speak English??"
Ranma stared for a second in intense concentration at Kris before
answering, "Ah... no... wakimarisu.... ingrisu....gomen nasai..."
Relaxin he added, "Do you speak Japanese?"
Kris shook his head. Must be a side-effect of dimensional transit, or
something. "I -think- so," he said at last. "Are you Ranma Saotome?"
Ranma grinned. "Sure am! What can I do for ya!"
Kris smiled. "Well, it's gonna be hard for you to believe, but I'm from
a universe where your entire existence is a fictional creation, and I'm
a fan and I wanted to come see for myself!"
Ranma smirked. "Yeah, that is hard to believe. Maybe you got clunked on
the head or something, hm?"
"I have proof!" Kris said. "Here, read these!" and he handed over the
volumes of the original Japanese manga he'd brought with him.
Ranma paged through the things for a few seconds before groaning, "Aw,
man, it's all in English! I can't read this!"
"Um..." Kris fished out a copy of the Viz translations from his jacket
pocket. "Try this one."
Ranma thumbed through the graphic novel for a few moments, grunting
occasionally, before handing the book back to Kris. "Nope," he said,
"it's all wrong."
"Wrong?" Kris gaped. He'd worked hard on those equations, no frigging
way was he wrong! "You are Ranma Saotome? You change into a girl when
you get wet?"
"Well, yeah, you got that much right... but..." Ranma grinned and said,
"Well, how about I show you myself?"
"I'm home!"
Kris eased his shoes off as Ranma trotted ahead announcing his
presence. Once he'd found the guest slippers and worked them onto his
feet, he followed Ranma into the main room, where Genma-panda and Soun
were sitting at the gameboard... playing -checkers?- "Um, Ranma," Kris
asked, "don't those two usually play shogi?"
"Nah," Ranma answered, "it's too hard to cheat in shogi. Isn't that
right, Pop?"
Genma-panda held up a sign; -Nothing could be farther from the truth!-
Meanwhile, Soun eased one of Genma's checkers back a square, and then,
with rapid jumps, he captured seven checkers as Genma stared angrily.
"Quite right, Saotome," Soun laughed, "it's just a friendly game of
skill!"
Kris sniffed at an aroma from the kitchen. "Hmmm..." he grinned,
"smells good. Kasumi must be cooking, right?"
"Me cook?" a voice called from up the stairs. Kasumi stepped halfway
down the staircase, wearing a totally see-through, knee-length
nightgown. "I never cook! Let Akane do it, she's good at it!"
Kris gaped, trying not to drool. "But.... but..."
Kasumi turned to Ranma. "Oh, by the way, Ranma, Ryouga and I are out of
condoms. Can we borrow some off your dresser?"
"Sure," Ranma answered, "just leave me enough, okay?"
"Okay! Night-night!" Kasumi swirled around, inadvertently mooning the
living room, and trotted daintily back up the stairs.
"Um... ah..." Kris gaped, just as Akane strode in, carrying a large
tray of food.
Or, someone who looked like Akane. Except the dress was far too small,
and the body far too... male... to be Akane. From the neck up, though,
it looked almost perfectly like her.
"Hi, Akane," Ranma grinned. "Man, that looks good."
Genma-panda rushed over to the table, holding up a sign, -Oh, beautiful
Akane! How lovely to see your face, you beauty- The sign spun around
-your cooking!-
Akane-kun growled, "Back off, old man, this is for Ranma and Ukyo and
me!"
Kris tugged on Ranma's shirt sleeve. "Um... this is Akane?"
"Oh, yeah," Ranma shrugged, "well, Nabiki went to China and brought
back the last of the Nannichuan water, but... well, there was kinda a
complication, and... Honey, could you go get some hot water? You're
making my guest nervous!"
"What's the matter?" Akane grinned. "Aren't I man enough for him?"
"Hey, sis, quit teasing the guests!" Nabiki muttered as she walked in.
Sniffing, she grinned, "Ah, you cooked the special meal. Orgy tonight?"
"Of course!" Akane smiled. "In fact-" Knocks came from the front door,
and Akane set the tray down and ran to answer it.
".....orgy?" Kris whispered.
"Yeah," Ranma grinned, "I told you those stupid books of yours had it
wrong! I mean, give a person twice the opportunity and not have him
explore it? No way!"
"Ran-chan!" Ukyo waved from the hallway. "I brought the feather-duster
and the Jelly-belly!"
"Hi, Uuchan!" Ranma grinned.
A bicycle clattered to the ground in the back yard, and Shampoo rushed
forward- and glomped Akane-kun. "Nihao, airen!" she smiled. "I'm here
ready to screw my two favorite men!!"
Kris' eyes bugged out even wider. "Shampoo... and AKANE?"
"There was this incident with a barbell," Ranma smirked, "and Akane
isn't afraid of cats."
"What about her Eng... Japanese?" Kris added.
"What about it?" Ranma replied. "She teaches Japanese and Chinese at
the school now, ever since Hinako eloped with the principal."
-You kids keep it a bit quieter tonight,- Genma-panda signed.
"Well, at least I won't have to worry about such things!" Nabiki
smirked. "Mousse and I are double-dating tonight!"
"...mousse... dating?" Kris whispered. "who?"
"Hello, everyone!" a voice called from the hallway. In walked Kodachi
and Tatewaki Kuno, both in impeccable (and highly expensive) evening
wear. "Ah, Mr. Tendo, you look so handsome!!" she giggled- not the
maniacal laugh Kris was expecting, but a short, coquettish twitter.
"Kodachi, put your glasses on," Nabiki grumbled. "Dad's over -there.-"
Kodachi rummaged in her purse a few moments before pulling out a pair
of pop-bottle glasses. Putting them on, she squinted through them and
gasped, "Oh, my! I'm sorry, Nabiki, I just forget myself so easily!"
"(No gymnastics?)" Kris whispered to Ranma.
"(Not outside the Kama Sutra in Braille,)" Ranma replied.
"Ah, Nabiki," Tatewaki smiled suavely at the middle Tendo sister before
adding, "Goldang me if y'all ain't the dew off'n a plum tree!"
"Brother, please, try to remember your schooling," Kodachi sighed.
"Twit."
A short, wizened figure shuffled in carrying a staff. "Fornicators!"
Happousi shouted, clacking the beads of a Buddhist monk togther as he
spoke. "You are all committing grave sins! Beware, lest you earn bad
karma in the next life!"
Ranma picked up Happousai and punted him through the doors and out over
Nerima. "Stupid little old killjoy," Ranma grumbled.
"... Happousai's a Buddhist monk?" Kris gaped. "Not a lech?"
"Happousai faints at the sight of white lace," Ranma smirked. "Besides,
with-"
"JOCK STRAPS!! JOCK STRAPS!!" a maniacal woman's voice giggled.
"O-HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!" Through the doors, in a whirl of cherry
blossoms, leapt Nodoka. "Oh, Ranma, my son," she grinned, slinking up to
him, "won't you let me join your fun and games, just once?" She held up
a tiny piece of black leather with a couple of steel snaps. "I can't
wait to rip this away from your rock-hard-"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!" Kris screamed his lungs out for
several long seconds before leaping out the doors, vaulting the fence
effortlessly, and running down the street.
"Aw, Mom, now look what ya did," Ranma moaned.
"Oh, he looked boring anyway," Nodoka smiled. "Now, won't you let me
join you? Pleeeease?"
"Well.... okay," Ranma grinned.
Kris stepped through the gateway, gasping for breath. He hurled the
Ranma 1/2 graphic novels into the trash, then reached for the wooden
sledgehammer beside the table and began to smash the gateway machine,
crushing the frame, shattering the tubes, until at last he dropped,
exhasusted, into a chair and gasped with relief.
Oh, man, he thought, that was horrible.
Then he looked at the hammer in his hands and thought;
Hey, wait a minute. Where the hell did -this- come from??
--------
Redneck (shields to full)