WebDragon wrote:
...okay, next up is 'Nullifier' by the Webmaster.
That's Webdragon.... :)
So I've been informed. }:-{D
TECHNICAL: More script, yay. Your descriptive material is pretty damn
good, though. Why not go ahead and flesh it out completely? Other than
that, it looks pretty good, and it moves along fairly quickly.
Why do I detect some sarcasm here? ^_^
Only the first sentence.
I know, I know, not
many people like script BUT since it is my first fanfic from oh-so-long
ago and I used to write in script, I'm keeping the continuity flowing
by keeping it in script. Plus the fact that converting it all to
prose is far more work than it is worth.
Hate to say this, but writing is -work.- (Take it from someone who's
spent the last six years learning how to make it pay.) The more work you
put into a project, the better it is. (Then again, with the exception of
FicWars, I don't release works until the entire story is completed, no
matter how long... and it tends to be pretty long...)
FLAVOR: Hard to say. By and large, this is much too serious for your
average Ranma fic... it could definitely use some lightening up,
-especially- with the tension between Ranma-kun and Ranma-chan in play.
Well, I'm assuming you're rating it in this section on
how close it comes to emulating RT's style.....I did try to put some
Ranma flavor in the beginning but it's just not my style....Takahashi
is the absolute mistress of wackiness and I KNOW I cannot even hope
to match her in it.
Tch. 'Sapity.
Also, the wilder the situation (and they don't come much wilder than
getting Ranma split in two), the more often in the original Takahashi
would play it for every laugh she could get. You've got all the serious
parts pretty spot on... now have some more fun with it. }:-{D
Sigh. I wish I were more lighthearted.
It's a difficult attitude to maintain sometimes, but it's worth it.
Especially when it shows in your work. }:-{D
BELIEVABILITY: Needs work. One of the casualties of script is the
ability to look into the minds of the individual characters without
thought balloons or expositional conversation... and in Ranma-chan's
case in particular, that is a dire flaw in the work. Ranma-chan's
evolution from a female Ranma-kun into a woman needs some serious
shoring up, and in all honesty, you've done about as much as you can in
script mode. The other characters, by and large, are on the money, if
subdued slightly.
I was relying on the element of magic to help suspend the
readers' disbelief - since magic can do anything in theory.
What do you suggest for shoring up Ranma-chan's evolution
into a real female?
If this were a prose piece, I'd suggest adding some introspective work
from Ranma-chan's POV. In a script, you can't do that without a
'thinking' line, which really comes over heavy. We need more of a peek
inside Ranma-chan's mind than what we're given.
As I said, you've done all you can in script to show the change, and to
me it seems insufficient. Can't be helped.
OVERALL: A fun read, which would be more fun and better overall if
fleshed out completely. If not totally in keeping with the original, one
of the better examples of American fanfic.
I realize that it could be better in prose, but I'm already
stuck in script mode when writing Nullifier....
Why? Your story, your project, your choices.
If you decide to stick with script, that's your decision, but don't shut
out options simply because of status quo.
You are the writer, you are in charge. Use it.
Redneck