At 07:31 PM 2/11/97 -0800, Redneck Gaijin wrote:

...and on to Scriviner's "That's 1/2 My Goddess" pt. 6 ...

TECHNICAL: Not bad at all. Generic 'cut down on was' and 'show don't
tell' flames aside, the prose does flow, and the basic structure works. 

        Hmmm... you have a point, but my tendencies lie in those directions,
I guess...

FLAVOR: Subdued for Oh My Goddess, slightly; subdued for Ranma 1/2,
extremely. Other than that, very faithful to OMG's spirit and R 1/2's
charas. 

        Subdued? Subdued? Hmmm... back to work...

BELIEVABILITY: Nabiki... needs work. Lots of it. She needs more time to
interact with characters, particularly Akane and Ranko, to flesh out
this incarnation of her. As it stands, I'm left with an impression of
two-thirds Nabiki-the-schemer and one-third Nabiki-the-caring-sister, as
opposed to one character named Nabiki. Not having read parts 1-5 yet,
Ranko's announcement comes completely out of the blue, but this might
have been developed in earlier installments. The remainder seems to be
in pretty good shape, but then this is reading in development from the
as yet unseen earlier eps.

        I agree... I was slightly rushed (so says the fellow who took three
months to crank out seven pages) with her and hadn't really had time to
properly develop this Nabiki... There's should be a good deal more of her in
the next installment.
        Ranko's announcement did come out of left field... I am planning on
adding more clues as to her true feelings in my next rewrite of the earlier
chapters.

OVERALL: Fun concept, execution shows promise. Give it an edit, build up
Nabiki's development here, and it works.

        Thanks for reading!