On Wed, 5 Feb 1997 09:37:12 -0500 (EST), Adrian Wong
<awong@delasalle.toronto.on.ca> wrote:
***************Alternate Universe: Ranko and Kaneda*************
by: Adrian Wong
General comments: A fun story. I'd like to see the character of Kaneda
developed more in future episodes. Looking forward to more!
Lots of grammatical mistakes. I probably haven't caught 'em all but
here are the ones I spotted (along with some miscellaneous comments):
"So Saotome-kun has came back after all..." The man said in
his typical dignified tone... and broke down sobbing. "Oh happy,
happy day!!!!!! My babies, daddy has got surprises for you all!"
He danced his way upstairs, leaving a wet trail of tears behind.
Now that was definitely NOT typical.
Heh, for HIM it probably was! :-)
In a side street with activated automatic lawn sprinklers on
every front yard, a huge rounded figure was being chased by a
smaller, leaner figure. The smaller figure, a fair looking teen
with short hair, a bobbed pigtail, and Chinese clothing has
had. Stick to past tense in the narration, please!
murder in his eyes.
"I don't care if you're my father, no one, and I mean NO ONE
did that to me and live!!"
does that to me and lives, or can do that to me and live.
The older looking girl wearing an apron spoke in a pleasant
voice: "Daddy, you engaged us your friend's son without telling
engaged us to your friend's son
The younger looking girl with short hair said with a bored
look. "You do realize how arranged marriage is guaranteed to be
realize how an arranged marriage; or better yet, realize that an
arranged marriage
"Kasumi! Nabiki! I do realize how you two has still got
have still got
illusions about this free-love idea that the gaijins has
corrupted our young with. But believe your father, arranged
couples can grow to love each other as time passed by. Couples
time passes by
While the sisters are still in shock, the boy we saw earlier
were still in shock
The boy got out of his rage and noticed for the first time
that he is in somebody's house. "This is the Tendo Household?
that he was
Kasumi and Nabiki both came up to inspect Ranma, who looked
both annoyed and embarrassed. "Hmm, immature-looking but cute,
slim but tight muscled, short but well proportioned... he's a
better catch than I have anticipated!" Nabiki smirked.
I had anticipated
Nabiki looked on with amusement while Kasumi said in her
calm smile: "Now, Mr. Saotome. If Ranma doesn't want to..."
"Why of cause he wants to! Isn't that right, my son?"
of course
A handsome, almost pretty boy in a yellow gi emerged walked
into the room and cut Germa off in mid-sentence. His hair was
long and loosely braided with a string, leaving two long stands
of hair flowing freely from the temples. Heavy bangs are cut
were cut
"Unfortunately, he's better than what most people give him
credit for." Ranma sighed, then lightened up. "Thank's for
Thanks
The shill scream broke off the fathers' conversation and
sounds of objects crashing came from upstairs. They both signed
sighed (Only Genma uses signs! :-))
Then came the shill scream that made them jump. "Holy!
shrill
Kaneda was lying naked on the hallway, passed out. In front
of the bathroom was a shapely pigtailed girl clad in a towel.
Judging from her arms, she had just threw quite a punch.
thrown
Germa laughed nervously. "Well, when I lost contact with
Tendo-kun 17 years ago, he only have two girls then, so I
only had
"No matter how you feel about her, at least be a gentleman
and apologize." Kasumi smiled. "Besides, I doubt if you can
I doubt if you'll be able to
There was Ranko, who was coming down at Germa with a flying
kick. To Kaneda's surprise, Germa actually managed to leap over
the attack despite his weight. Then they both leaped up to
mid-air and sent a furry of punches and kicks towards each other.
The law of gravity seem to have no hold on them, until Kasumi
seemed
As if on clue, a bunch of girls carrying various sports
equipments charged out from the front gate. "Tendo-sama, prepare
various kinds of sports equpiment
"What the heck is this?!" Ranko asked in shock. A girl
with fencing sword tried to nail Kaneda, but he leaped over her
and back-kicked her to the ground. Then he used the resulted
resulting
An extremely beautiful girl stepped out from behind the tree
into plain sight. She was tall and shapely, with long hair
braided to one side. Her dark lashes were incredibily rich,
creating a sharp contrast with her pale skin and crimson lips.
Had it not been for the deviousness presented in her eyes, she
could pass herself off as a goddess. On her delicate, long
could have passed
Annoyed by her arrogance, Ranko snapped back. "Don't worry,
my fianc here really don't mind me talking with him."
fiance
Kodachi looked like someone had bit her over the head and
lost her coolness. "You... YOU DARE TO TRAP MY KANEDA-SAMA INTO
Should say "and destroyed her coolness" (or something to that effect).
MARRIAGE??!!!!!"
"What are you doing, baka!" Kaneda turned angrily to Ranko,
who looked smug. "Annoying this pushy girl." Out of
Start a new paragraph when the speaker changes.
Kodachi was fighting in a blind rage, and was beginning to
left out openings. Ranko, no longer interested in the fight,
to leave openings
Ranma looked at himself in disgust. "Damn!" Then Kaneda
got out a kettle and splashed him with it. "Now lets hurry off
let's
"If only you didn't pick that fight with Kodachi..." Kaneda
hadn't picked that fight
"She's not my girlfriend! She's just an obsessive psycho
who attacked me every day!"
attacks
Kaneda sighed. "During last summer, I've finally passed Dad
I'd finally passed
in my martial arts skill. In order to make me further my skill,
Dad came up with this crazy idea to have Nabiki publicly
publically
A series of flashbacks showed Kaneda attacked by hordes of
Maybe you can find another way to express this. This sort of "stage
direction" is appropriate for script format, not prose, IMO.
"Oh, well. Most of them are really weak anyway, save for
that gymnast... Boy! How did she came up with the idea of
combining martial arts with gymnastics anyway?"
"No idea. We fight everyday, she never won." Kaneda said
never wins
Just as Kaneda was about to reply, a hail of clubs flew by
and they instinctively ducked. Kodachi, wearing a leopard this
That's LEOTARD! I know she likes dangerous animals, but sheesh!
"What? Haven't seen explosive gymnastic balls before?"
Kodachi taunted and threw another ball. Ranko quickly leaped out
of the way as another explosion marred the basketball field. She
landed on top of a tree blanch. The surrounding students were
tree branch
"I'd rather die than to marry you!" Her beloved scrowled.
scrowled?? Don't know what word this is supposed to be.
"You cheater! This is not a skipping rope, its a stick
it's a stick
"Ohhhhhh. . . " Kodachi moaned, then really looked at the
pigtailed boy holding her with a dumbfounded expression. <What
man is this? Such handsomeness as I have never seen . . . His
beauty could almost rival my Kaneda-sama. . . but first thing
first things
"What the-" Ranko was confused. What would rose petals do
in an attack anyway? Then she saw all the students rapidly
retreating away, save for Kaneda, who dashed forward into the
storm of rose petals and shouted: "Do not breath!"
breathe
Sensing the urgency in Kaneda's voice, Ranko immediately
hold her breath
held her breath
and leaped to a save distance away from the
a safe distance
Nobody in the returning crowd could tell what has happened
next. All they saw was Ranko jumping past the gymnast, and the
next thing they know Kodachi released Kaneda and fell on the
glass. A set of footprints covering her from her face to the
covered her
"There, a guy being carried by another guy shouldn't be as
embarrassing, ne?" Ranma asked playfully, and carried his/her
fianc effortlessly down to the street.
fiance
The truth is, it is still pretty embarrassing, with the
The truth was, it was still
people on the street giving odd looks to the boys. A few girls
>from some other school even murmured and point fingers at them.
pointed
Gary Kleppe
kleppe@execpc.com, Home page http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe
My fanfics and the FFML map are on my comics/manga page,
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics