Hmm... well, here it it. At the end, a bit confusing... but I just wanted to
show how close their thoughts were getting... and I was getting tired of
doing those dashes ^_^ Blame the yyh-fic list for telling me to post as soon
as I was done ^_^
Entanglement: by Monica Shin
He winks, a flash of green, and underneath that, I imagine that I see
glimmer of silver. Then he turns and walks away, away from me. Away from me,
and toward the prison that he returns to voluntarily, every time. I feel,
as I always do, a tinge of regret because I never call to him, tell him to
come back to me.
I watch him, as he goes back to his human life, giving up that
freedom he has every time he is in the Makai, every time he is on "detective"
business. I could see him suppressing his wild self, putting his mask of
dutiful student, of loving son, over his soul. I want to shout out and make
him stop, but instead, I let him go.
As he leaves, I let my eyes gaze upon him. He is beautiful... these
thoughts are forbidden, because of what we can't be... not while he's
willing to be trapped, willing to let himself be captured by those humans.
I refuse to be caught by anyone, not even by him. Not unless...
His hair is tousled by the wind... I want to be able to do what the
wind does, reach out and touch those blood-red locks. Why... why do I want
to feel those silken strands between my fingers? Why do I want to call out,
and pull him back to me? Caress his soft, pale skin, and discover all of
Kurama...
I have to stop. I am Hiei, and will not let myself be entangled
with someone who is imprisoned, even if it is by his own will. How could
he chain himself to this world, to this body. As much as I want, need that
body, I can't understand how he can stand it, his very self becoming even
more linked to their ways.
How can he live, without the freedom that all of his kind are
known to prize? How could I be with someone who denies a part of himself,
content to live as a mere human? I look at his retreating back, feeling
despair... His beauty will die, suffocating under his mask...
-------------
I can feel it, his gaze hot upon my back. Though he does not know
it, I always wait a little, to see if he will call to me. He never does, and
he does not do so now. Why? I always want to turn to him, look into those
deep, dark red eyes, and lose myself in him. I would, if he would only
call...
Why do I not go to him, tell him how I feel? Why... I know why.
Because he does not accept a part of me... because he refuses to see that
I am not trapped, not in the way he thinks. If he does not want to know all
the parts of me, how can I invite him? How can I go to someone who only
wants me to be half of what I am?
I am Kurama. I have been Kurama far longer than Hiei can truly
understand. I was free to steal and love for a long time before I became
Shuuichi. But the time before I became partly human is a time without a
true depth... I was intimate with many, loving some, hating others. I had
friends and enemies, a life full of danger and challenge. But through it
all, there was no direction in my life, except to become stronger, become
better. Those loves I had were not anything to what I feel now... He is
different. I can feel it. Why do I feel such an attraction to such a being?
He would have not mattered to me before, not like this. How is it I can feel
so deeply about such a person...
Physical attraction. That is common to me, and I have dealt with it
before. I have had such feelings before with lovers, of wanting to always
feel them, touch them. Of wanting to be entangled within their arms, to
never let go. But it had never lasted, when I was that capricious Youko.
It had never become such an obsession for me.
Back then, I had had lovers, and friends. My lovers and I were not
monogamous... we had kept each other warm throughout the night, and when
day came, there was always someone else. But there were also friends who
became lovers... partners in all senses of the word. But even they were
not what I wanted Hiei to become... they were always friends, first and
foremost, before anything else.
Why can't he understand? I can't abandon being a human because my
soul is already partly one. I can never truly become what I was, what he
sees when I assume the form of Youko. Can't he see that one of the reasons
that I love him differently than any others is because I am human? It has
changed me, more than he realizes... I want to go to him, but I cannot. He
does not, cannot see that I am what I am to him because of my human side,
as well as my Youko side. So I walk on, leaving him behind. I go back to my
human life, and wish that he were there, next to me...
-----------------
All I can feel is frustration, staring at his back. Frustration
because all I can do is watch... frustration because he is leaving once
again... Leaving to chain himself even more strongly to his human side,
slowly strangling the other, youkai side...
Can I watch him walk away from me like this once again? Yes... no.
No, not anymore. Somehow, this time, I have to ask him. I run, and somehow
manage to stand before him, looking into his startled, glorious eyes. He
says, "Hiei... what do you want?" in a casual tone, but his eyes tell me
that he also feels that longing that I cannot express...
None of the usual banter, or roughness is in my speech now. I have
an overwhelming urge to flee, but instead, look to the sky, and ask, "Why?"
Why. That one word, that one question, hangs in the air between us. Why.
That one word has managed to reveal all the wonderings, questions, wants,
and needs that I have been feeling, that we both have been feeling, and yet
could not say. Why.
------------------
Hiei is before me. I am delighted- he has finally come to me?- but
I am also wary. He has a strange expression on his face... the same one
that I have seen whenever we are together, and I happen to look into a
still pond... I try to be nonchalant, asking what he wanted. He speaks, in
a manner I was not accustomed to hearing from him. It sounds almost
childlike in it's depth of wondering.
"Why?" That one simple phrase rings in my head like a bell. No, his
manner may seem childlike, but in his tone, his longing is obvious. The same
longing I have every time I look at him, want to touch him... Finally, it is
out there, in the open. A demand to know... a demand to finally resolve
those issues we have been avoiding for too long.
I look at him, deciding how to answer the question. He knows that I
can interpret that one worded plea in any way that I like... He also knows
that I will give him the answer that he is searching for, even if I don't
know the question. Finally, I smile, and say, "I am human, Hiei. A human in
love..."
-------------------
The gaze, the smile that he lays upon me is like a blow to my chest.
His eyes are windows into his spirit, and I see all that he wants from me,
all that he needs from me. I see all that he wants to give me, share with me.
Love... such a small word. He loves me. I love him. Why is it so hard?
--------------------
I see silent acknowledgment in his eyes. I have said it all. Told
him all that I need to tell him. Does he see? See that i need to be human,
am already human. That I can only love like this because of this humanity
nurtured in my soul... And yet, I think that I would have loved him anyway,
even if I had been only Youko. But would I have loved him the way I do?
So strongly, so truly needing his presence to be happy?
--------------------
"Kurama, I..." Who knew that saying these few words would be so
hard? "I love you too..." I finally said it. But... "I can't stay
with you... not when you chain your very self away like this. You're
making yourself human when you're not- you're denying your youkai
side."
--------------------
I listen to him, and can't help feel some joy... those words. I
have wanted to hear, to say those words for so long... But the rest.
What can I say? "I am at least partly human now. I can't be with you
either, if you don't realize that. I'm not trapped, because the
Ningenkai is my home now too."
--------------------
I look into his eyes. What he as told me has the undeniable ring
of truth, of inevitability. "I just don't want to see you kill off a
part of yourself, even if it is for your other half." Can he
understand what I mean?
---------------------
I can't help but to start. Was I truly killing off a part of myself?
I... I truly don't know... I reply, "Hiei. To me, being human isn't a trap."
I hold his hand, and look into his eyes. "How can anything be a trap if it
allows you to grow, to learn?"
---------------------
His eyes make me see. He truly does not see it as a trap, this human
life. How can I deny something he believes so fiercely? I can't help but to
remember Youko Kurama, and of how cold, and unlike my Kurama he had been. Only
now, when he can control his Youkai side, can I see the one I had fallen in
love with... Not a trap?
---------------------
Both of us are lost in our thoughts. Why? Why couldn't we have said
this before, instead of ignoring our wants, our needs? Because... if we had
said it before, and had realized that we could not be together, we would have
had to truly separate... I had not wanted to leave him...
---------------------
His eyes are like green fire... passion is evident in them, and relief.
Somehow, beyond all expectations, we have managed to resolve the questions
that we had always been too afraid to ask each other. I go up to him, and
do what I have wanted to do for so long...
---------------------
He takes my hair, and runs his fingers through it. He smiles an
unexpectedly sweet smile, and leans on my chest. I look at him and can't help
but feel wonder... he is here, like I've always wanted. I draw a rose from
my hair, and...
----------------------
I start, as I feel something soft on my face. I look up and he is
there, holding a rose. He smiles, and then puts the rose on my face. He
traces my jaw with it, following its path with his lips. His lips are so
soft... and they follow the rose to my lips...
----------------------
His lips are as soft as I had dreamed. I let go of my rose, and
wrap my arms around him. A few moments of magic, before I lead him down
to the ground...
----------------------
His hands are everywhere, exploring me. I feel my breath quicken as
I return the favor...
----------------------
I can't believe how fast we are moving, how fast he is learning. My
breathing is becoming more frantic, and I start to take off his clothes...
As I feel his hands helping me take off mine, I marvel at exactly how
fast he is...
----------------------
He is beautiful, wonderful... he has me captive with his eyes...
----------------------
He looks at me with such wonder, such love. My heart is about to
burst... He is Hiei... how long had I dreamed of this...
----------------------
I love him so much...
I love him so much...
"Kurama... I love you..."
"Hiei... I love you so much..."
How ironic that he has caught me without effort... But why would I want to
be free of his grasp?
He is my fire, my passion. Both my human and Youko side are rejoicing...
we have found our true partner...
I can hear your heart next to mine, feel your soul next to mine... I can
feel your heat... Somehow, we are one... Somehow...
---Finis---
-----
Monica Shin--- monica@pipeline.com- Fav. Anime/Manga-
CLAMP stuffs- RGV, TB, X, MKR, CCD, 20 Menso, CCSakura,
MBoy, GWing, Esca, SDunk, RKenshin, FY, YYH, EVA, Zetsuai,
Fav. Charas- Akira, Ashura-ou, Hiei, Hiiro, Kenshin, Subaru
Visit my homepage! http://www.pipeline.com/~monica/