On Sat, 1 Feb 1997 20:48:11 -0500, Jang Choe wrote:

    Your name is Matsumoto Ikari, the new student at Furinkan High.
You just arrived yesterday and hope to make some new friends there. 
You go into the main office to register as a new student. You see this
weird looking Hawaiian man, wearing sunglasses and playing a ukeley,

ukelele

   You look at page 143 and look at the problem.  "In a race, a race
car reaches the quarter-mile (402 m) marker with a speed of 80 m/s. 
What is his acceleration and how long did the run take?" 

    "Well, does anyone know?!"  The teacher asks again.  We all stare
at him in silence.  You hope that he doesn't call on you and shrink into

Geez, that's easy. Matsumoto no baka!! :-)

your chair. "I think I know it sir."  You hear.  You look around and
see a short haired, cute girl who said that remark.

    "Okay Miss Tendo, come up here and do it."  Takazawa says.

Nabiki? Or Akane?

    "And?"

    "Ranma simply doesn't want to eat my cooking, after worked so

after I worked

    "Well, I can't let it go to waste."

    You think for a moment and say, "Well, oh right," and  you take

"Well, all right," I think you mean.

    "Oops, I guess I accidentally put too much washabi and red
peppers.  Hold on, let me get my tea I made."

This is redundant. Should be "get the tea I made."

    You look at her face, waiting for the kiss.  She is surprisingly
beautiful for some reason.  Like a magnetic attraction, you draw your
face near hers. Then your lips touch that sweet . . .

    She opens her mouth and sings.

    "HUHHHH?!"  You scream as you wake up.  "Damn alarm radio." 
You curse as you drag yourself out of the bed and shut the damn thing
off. "Man, that green tea she gave me yesterday still has that stink
aftertaste." You say as you scratch yourself and go to the bathroom.

Hahaha!!! I liked this scene. Sort of explains the mysterious power
Akane has to attract men!

    The three of you walk into the school, quietly.  You turn your head
and look at Akane.  She wasn't incredibly beautiful as you remember in
your dream, but oh well, she still looks cute.  You turn the other way
to look at Ranma. Ranma is walking, carrying his bag over his
shoulder. It looks like he is really fit, maybe a martial artist you
assume.

It's redundant to have both "maybe" and "assume". Either one makes it
clear that you're not certain.

    It's lunchtime, and you realize you forgot your lunch. "Damn," you
curse. "and I don't have any money either."  You look around instead
and see bunch of people eating.  This makes you feel hungrier.  You

see a bunch of people

    "Umm, yea sure."  Akane says.

    "Ranma- honey, here's a new okonomiyaki I made for you!" This
long haired boy? you just appeared out of nowhere said.

I think you meant to say "who" instead of "you" here.

    "Ohh . . . "  Akane fumed.

    "Ranma!"  You hear somewhere and see a girl in a Chinese
shirt running. "I made good kung pow chicken for you Ranma."

How about having her land on Matsumoto's head with her bicycle?

    "No, he no eat your okonomiyaki.  Ranma eat my chicken." 
That cute girl says.  You assume, with her accent, that she's
Chinese.

    "Ranma, I thought you'll eat mine!"  Akane says.

You need a better line here.

    You are walking  down the halls for your last class of day.
Dragging your feet, you "eagrly" drag yourself to your last class. Like

eagerly

    "You were going to go out with her?"  Ranma asked. "Why do you
want to go out with this uncute tomboy anyway?  You should be glad
that she didn't show up."

    "Ranma! You jerk!"  Ranma screamed angrily.

Should be Akane who screamed.

    "Ranma . . . "  You say to yourself.  "You still love her but you
can't show that in front of her.  You dare call her names?!"

    "Oh shut up, what are you going to do about it?"

If "You still love her..." was Matsumoto to himself, how can Ranma be
replying to it?

    Then you relase him, or you release yourself.

release him

    You come back to reality.  "Not again,"  you say panting. 
"How can this happen again!?"  You slowly wipe your tears and go
off. You were cursed from the beginning. You had the spirit of Hyuri,
the berserker demon, since the day you were born. Those petty fake
shamans couldn't do anything to exorcize the demon.  You moved

exorcise

twelve times already in your life, result of seriously hurting at least one

the result

person. You never had any friends because of this curse. They were
afraid to go near you because you might relase Hyuri.

release

    The people at your school were surprised to hear you actually put
Ranma, the martial artist, in the hospital.  You have no control over
the berserker, you can't control its rage. People say your strength and
speed increases a hunderedfold when Hyuri takes control of you.  You

hundredfold

don't know that, you always black out when the berserker takes over.

    You notice that Akane was not at class today.  The teacher is
giving his lecture on Mechanics, and, once in a while, somebody turns
his head to give a reassuring look that you're still calm.  You can feel
the nervousness in the room.  But the teachers seem not to care.  Mr. 
Takazawa treats me the same as he treats the other students.  Maybe

treats you the same

because he doesn't know, maybe he has a heart in that fierce body of
his, or maybe he doesn't care if you can kill him, he just want to do his
job. 

    She drops the flowers and looks at them.  She then looks back at
you and her face becomes lifeless.  She then walks passed you,
without saying a word.  You want to follow her, you want to tell her
about the berserker and how he's inside you.  You want to call out her
name, but she runs.

    You feel the world in crushing down.  You feel very alone, in
darkness.  You've been rejected by almost all your peers. Even by the
girl you like, that is a major stab at the heart. You shake your fist as
you try to hold in Hyuri.  You calm down and walk a little farther to a
bridge.  You look down to the creek.  It is not a big drop, but if you
hit the rocks head on, you might be able to finish yourself, protecting
others from the berserker. Or would it? Maybe his sprit will be
released,  possessing other people.

Nice bits of pathos here.

   You can't stop but listing to Akane talking to Ranma.  All of a
sudden, you thing you hear her say, "I love you."  It doesn't matter,

think

    Can you still get Akane?  Can you still make her love you? Heck,
even to mildly accept you? No, you can't.  Why? becase when Ranma

because

became better Akane started to come to school  again. She still
ignores you.  You call her but she hangs up on you.  You finally
realize that it's near impossible to  get to talk to you again. You give

"to get her to talk to you", or "to get to talk to her"

Weee! A happy fic! 

Yeah right!

Hyuri the berserker spirit is from Record of Loddoss War.  I was
going to intend this to be my usual first person prose fic, but I tried
something different.  I hope you liked being the berserker.

It worked pretty well, the second person narration was a good way to
make the reader sympatheic toward the main character. Interesting
story idea, I enjoyed it!

Gary Kleppe
kleppe@execpc.com, Home page http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe
My fanfics and the FFML map are on my comics/manga page,
       http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics