Ranma 1/2: Curse of Darkness
                            Chapter 5
                       Senchi's First Date

The story so far: Life isn't stagnant; it is a constantly 
shifting, ever-changing thing.  Never content with the status quo, 
life strives to alter itself, to become more complex and exciting. 
 In this process many changes are made, changes that are not a
lways for the better...

(Scene: the rooftops of Nerima, which are currently empty as the 
sun drifts lazily in the noon heat.  Then the stillness is broken 
as a figure flies up from between two roofs.  It's Ukyou, and she 
lands gracefully.  Immediately following her is Akane, and
the two of them start running.  A moment later, Senchi also 
leaps up, wielding a wicked-looking no-daichi {a long, hiltless 
sword} in both hands.  She lands and gives chase.)

Senchi: Come back here, you two!  This won't hurt...much.

Ukyou: You just _had_ to knock him into the pond, didn't you?

Akane: (they leap to another roof) He called me a tomboy!

Ukyou: Well, _she's_ trying to kill us...

Senchi: You can't run forever!

Ukyou: ...and I much rather be insulted than dead!
(Senchi leaps up, her no-daichi held above her head, and brings it 
down between Akane and Ukyou, both of whom dodge.  She pulls the 
sword out of the slit it left in the roof.)

Senchi: If you think I'm letting Ranma marry anyone, _this_ will 
show you!  (swings at Ukyou)

Ukyou: (leaps back, barely clearing the blade) Where's Ryouga when 
you need him?

Senchi: (attacks Akane, who rolls out of the way) I'm sure 
Ryouga-kun is off somewhere thinking about me.

Akane: You're insane.

Senchi: (notices Ukyou trying to escape) And where do you think 
_you're_ going?
(She reaches to her belt and pulls up a bolo, which she then 
proceeds to throw.  The weapon wraps around Ukyou's legs, sending 
her tumbling on her face.  Senchi turns back to Akane with an evil 
grin.)

Akane: Can't we talk about this?

Senchi: Nothing personal, Akane.  It's just that I can't allow 
Ranma to marry either of you.  (shudders) Imagine, married to a 
_girl_.

Akane: I'm sure there's a more _civilized_ way of making sure 
Ranma doesn't marry us.

Senchi(sadly): Hai, I'm sure there is... (brightens) but this way 
is much more certain...and fun.

Voice: Never fear, Akane! _I_ shall protect you!

Akane(sarcastically): Oh great...
(From the sky drops a figure, briefly silouhetted by the sun.  It 
is...no, not Ryouga, not Kunou, but Mousse!  Mousse?  Read the 
last chapter.  The Chinese boy gets into an offensive position.)

Mousse: I shall _never_ allow you to hurt the woman I love, Senchi!
(The view zooms away from him, to reveal he is standing with his 
back to the group.  Senchi calmly bops him on the head with the 
hilt of her sword.  He wobbles for a moment and collapses.)

Senchi: Maybe I should kill him too, and put him out of my misery. 
(turns back to Akane) Oh well, business before pleasure.
(Suddenly, a large tentacle wraps around her, pinning her arms to 
her side and forcing her to drop her no-daichi.  She turns her 
head to see the looming form of Tarou-minotaur.)

Senchi; Hey, you jerk!  This is none of your business!  Let me go! 
 Let me GO!!!
(The minotaur smiles and cocks back the tentacle.)

Senchi: (blinks) Uh oh... (Tarou tosses her, and she goes flying 
high above the rooftops) Yooouuu jeeeerrrk!!!
(Tarou-minotaur snorts.  Akane and Ukyou let out twin sighs of 
relief.)
********

(Scene: Later, a street in Nerima.  Tarou has returned to human 
form, and is walking with Ukyou and Akane.)

Akane: Why'd you come and help us, Tarou?  I thought you didn't 
care about us.

Tarou: I don't.  But Ranma isn't likely to help me if I let Senchi 
kill you two.

Ukyou(sarcastic): How thoughtful of you.

Tarou: (smiles) I try.

Akane: Well arigato Tarou, but I have to be going now.  (running 
down the road) Bye!

Tarou: (after a moment) Ukyou?

Ukyou(evasively): Yes?

Tarou: I noticed your restaurant has no delivery person...

Ukyou: (cocks an eyebrow) True.

Tarou: ...and since I'll be here a while, I need a job...

Ukyou(amused): And you want _me_ to give _you_ a job?  Forget it, 
pal.

Tarou: Don't shrug the offer off so quickly.  With a delivery boy, 
you could reach a much larger customer group.  And imagine being 
the only restaurant around with instant air delivery to anywhere 
in Nerima.
(Waves his hand in a gesture meant to encompass the whole of the 
ward.)

Ukyou: (chews her lower lip) That _would_ be useful...

Tarou: Besides, you shouldn't let personal feelings interfere with 
your business interests.

Ukyou: Now you sound like Nabiki.  (pauses) Fine.  (sticks out her 
hand) You have a deal.

Tarou: (shakes her hand; smiles) Now about my salary...
********

(Scene: Another road in Nerima.  This one has a dumpster, which 
Senchi strikes like a missile.  After a moment she sits up, a 
banana skin on her head and other filth covering her.)

Senchi: Yeech!  (pulls something off her tunic) That stupid 
Pantyhose.  That's twice he's interfered.  Well, I won't stand for 
it!  (Slams her fist into the garbage) Eeech.  (looks at her 
slime-covered hand) I need a bath...

Voice: Miss, allow me to help.

Senchi: Huh?
(Senchi blinks as two hands reach out and gently remove her from 
the bin.  She looks to see the boy who is holding her up.  He has 
wind-tossed brown hair and a handsome face, with blue eyes that 
sparkle slightly.  He wears a blue sweater and dress pants,
and a white scarf is thrown absently around his neck.)

Senchi: W-why thank you... (she blushes) Mr...

Boy: Mikado.  Mikado Sanzenin.  (allows her to stand)

Senchi: Well, Mikado Mikado, pleased to meet you.  I am Senchi 
Saotome.

Mikado: (frowns) Haven't we already met?  (snaps his fingers) Why, 
you're...

Senchi(quickly): No, you have me confused with somebody else.  You 
see, I have this...twin.

Mikado: A twin? [Well now, I haven't been involved with twins 
before...] {he brushes off the back off her hand and kisses it, 
causing Senchi to blush again) Allow me to apologise for my 
mistake... (looks into her eyes) ...and ask you if you would 
accompany me to the cinema this Friday.

Senchi: (stares) [I'm not actually considering this...what about 
Ryouga-kun?  Ah, the hell with him.  He isn't around, it's his 
loss.] I'd be delighted.

Voice: Ohhhh, that banana peel is sooo kawaii!

Mikado(mortified): Oh no...
(A cute girl, with cute long brown hair runs forward.  She's in a 
cute pink outfit with cute bows all over it, carrying a cute cup 
of coffee...you get the idea.  She runs up to the two and grabs 
the peel from Senchi's head.)

Girl: Marquis de Roche!  Marquis de Roche!  Come here, Marquis!

Mikado: Azusa, I'm busy right now...

Azusa: Come along, Marquis!  You too, Mikado, we have a practice 
to attend!
(She leaps for joy, unintentionally sending the scalding coffee 
Senchi's way...and picks Mikado up and begins to run off with him.)

Mikado: Wait, I don't know her number!  Put me down, you silly 
wench!
(They disappear around the corner, leaving what used to be Senchi 
standing in the street.  Ranma blinks.)

Ranma: Where am I?  (sniffs) And what's that awful smell?
********

(Scene: the Nerima police station.  As we watch, Amigi storms out, 
muttering to himself.)

Amigi: Imagine, attempted murder!  ME!  Don't they know who 
they're dealing with?  And "mentally unfit to stand trial" 
(obviously they do), _please_!  I should just wipe out their 
stupid police force!
(A nearby trash receptacle bounces forward.)

Trash Can: Amigi!

Amigi: (pulls back fearfully) GAAH!!!  (returns to normal) Don't 
_do_ that!
(Tsubasa's head pops out of the trash can.)

Tsubasa: I'm so glad to see you, Amigi.

Amigi: Why?

Tsubasa: Our deal!  You promised to...

Amigi: I know what I promised, but...no, wait.  I _can_ use you...

Tsubasa(eagerly): You want me to beat up Ranma?

Amigi: No boy, we must use our brains.  Somehow I have to trap him 
in female form...but with Cologne out there, it won't be easy.  
(smiles) Come, we must plan, plan the death of Ranma Saotome!  
(megalomaniacal laugh)
********

(Scene: the Tendo household.  Ranma sits at the table across from 
Akane and Nabiki.  Just outside the sliding door, Tzubi is 
performing katas with his diashyo.)

Ranma: ...and I found myself covered with garbage.  (to Akane; 
suspiciously) You wouldn't know how _that_ happened, would you?

Akane: No, but I _do_ know that Senchi tried to kill me today!

Ranma: (blinks) Kill you?  You didn't attack her, did you?

Akane: Nope.  She just grabbed a sword and chased Ukyou and me 
across the city.  If it hadn't been for Tarou...

Ranma: This is serious.  She's only defended herself up till now.

Nabiki: Looks like you've got a problem on your hands.

Ranma: And what can I do about it, Nabiki?  It's not like I can 
control her.

Tzubi: Why don't you try (slice) avoiding cold water?

Ranma: I've been trying _that_ since Jyusenkyou.

Nabiki: For some reason, cold water migrates to Ranma.  I'm 
convinced he'd find a way to splash himself on the moon.

Tzubi: Then (swish) why not practice the (slash) buddy system?

Ranma: Buddy system?
(Tzubi stops and smiles evilly.  Nabiki clears her throat, putting 
her elbows on the table.)

Nabiki: And how much is it worth to you, Saotome?

Akane: You walked right into that one, Ranma.

Ranma: (groans) Nabiki, you already _have_ all of my money.

Nabiki: Ranma, I'm shocked.  To think I would stoop to mere 
monetary gain when there is so much more I can take.

Ranma(wary): Which is?

Nabiki: (breathes on her nails) You see, i've made some deals at 
the school, but some people have...reneged on their parts.

Ranma: (eyes widen) You want me to be a collection man!

Tzubi: He does have a brain.

Nabiki: Hai, he just uses it sparingly.

Ranma: Well you can forget it!  I don't hurt innocent people, not 
for anything.  That's Senchi's department.

Nabiki: Ranma, Ranma, Ranma...why does it always come down to 
violence with you?  No, the _threat_ of violence is more than 
sufficient.  Knowing _you_ work for me will be enough.

Ranma: Okay, fine, I'll work for you.  On the condition I don't 
have to hurt anyone.

Nabiki: Agreed.  (they shake hands)

Ranma: Why do I feel like I just sold my soul to the devil?  
(pauses) Okay, what's the "buddy system?"

Tzubi: It's very simple.  All you have to do is fill a thermos 
with hot water...

Nabiki: ...and have a friend always with you, ready to use it.

Ranma: That's it?

Akane: The only problem is, nobody can _stand_ Ranma enough to 
hang around him at all times.

Ranma(hotly): If I wanted somebody's opinion of me, I certainly 
wouldn't ask a tomboy like you!

Akane: Ranma no BAKA!  
(She picks up a potted plant and chases him from the room with it.)

Tzubi(softly): "And they call it, puppy love..."
********

(Scene: the Nekohanten, where Shampoo is behind the counter.  She 
is staring open-mouthed at Mousse, who looks bored.)

Shampoo: What say again?

Mousse(sneers): Don't you understand Japanese?  Here, let me put 
it to you this way.  (in Chinese) <I quit!>

Shampoo: But...

Mousse: Forget it, Shampoo.  You and your old crone can find 
another slave to push around, because I'm leaving.

Shampoo: You never leave before...

Mousse: That's because I was held here by a _stupid_ commitment I 
never should have made.  Well, _nothing_ (punctuates the word with 
a sweeping hand gesture) is holding me here now.  Goodbye!
(He turns and stalks towards the door.)

Shampoo(angry): Good red-ants!  Shampoo no care if you _die_!
(Mousse walks out, slamming the door.  Shampoo's expression melts, 
and she chews her lower lip.)
********

(Scene: the Tendo household, that night.   Genma-panda and Soun 
are playing Go.  Ranma is watching the Guyver on TV, and has a 
large bandage on his head.  Nabiki is working on a laptop in the 
corner, while Kasumi is dusting.  Akane appears to be working 
on her homework.  At that point, Tzubi enters and approaches Soun.)

Tzubi: Mr. Tendo?

Soun: If it isn't Tzubi.  Take a seat, boy.  You can play me as 
soon as I defeat this fool.

Genma-panda: {In your dreams, Tendo-kun.}

Tzubi: Much as I'd enjoy beating two rank amateurs, I have 
something else on my mind.
(The panda places a stone.)

Panda: {Take that!}

Soun(thoughtfully): Good move...

Tzubi: Hello?  I said I'd like to talk to you.

Soun: Just wait until I figure out my next...
(Irritated, Tzubi picks up a stone and places it on the board.  
Soun and Genma blink in surprise.)

Tzubi: There, you win. _Now_ will you listen to me?

Soun: How did he figure out... (looks up at Tzubi) What do you 
want, boy?

Tzubi: I wanted to thank you for your hospitality in letting me 
stay here the past while, but I'm afraid I'll be leaving.  (Nabiki 
looks up from her computer)

Soun: What?

Tzubi: I said I'll be leaving.

Kasumi: (smiles) And where will you be staying, Tzubi?

Tzubi: I found an apartment house nearby.  I'll be roommating with 
a guy there.

Akane: Where?

Tzubi: Well, I looked at several.  Plaza Towers, the Overlook, 
Maison Ikkoku, and so on, but I finally settled on the Fujijitsu 
place.

Nabiki: That's pretty expensive.  How do you plan on paying for it?

Tzubi: I got enough money left over from Amigi's account for a 
deposit.  Like I said, I'll be roommating...and I got a job.

Ranma: A job?

Tzubi: Hai, part time at a dojo in town.  I'm an assistant 
instructor.

Nabiki: Not bad.  Couldn't you beat the regular instructor?

Tzubi: (shrugs) Who cares?  I don't want to devote that much time 
to it.  Besides, I'm there for the money, not to bloat my ego.

Nabiki: (smiles mysteriously) You don't say...

Voice: (from outside) Nihao!

Ranma: Oh great...
(Shampoo bursts in-literally, as in through the wall-runs up to 
Tzubi and glomps him.  Ranma blinks, and Tzubi looks irritated.)

Shampoo: Ohh Tzubi husband, Shampoo need talk...

Tzubi: Go away.

Ranma: Oh yeah, I forgot.

Shampoo: She so sad, miss husband terribly...

Tzubi: Go away.

Shampoo: (hugs tighter) ...and need someone comfort her...

Tzubi: Go away.

Shampoo: ...during time of...
(Tzubi peels Shampoo off-with some difficulty-and drops her 
unceremoniously on her butt.)

Tzubi(dangerous tone): I said...go away..._now_.

Shampoo: You want Shampoo do something for you?

Tzubi: Hai.  I want you to _leave_, NOW!  And preferably never 
come back.

Shampoo: You joke?  Is no April fool...

Tzubi: Listen.  I don't care about you, I don't even _know_ you.  
I have a life besides you, and I'd like you to stay out of it.

Shampoo: You no reject, Shampoo hope.

Tzubi: Do I have to drive it in with a sledgehammer?!?

Shampoo(menacing): Shampoo hope there no other woman...

Tzubi: I don't see how that's any of your business.

Shampoo: �Cause if is, Shampoo have no choice but _kill_ her.
(Tzubi stops dead.  His eyes widen.)

Tzubi: [Kill?  But...Nabiki can't defend herself...] (frowns) 
[That means I'll have to get rid of Shampoo before I can ask 
Nabiki on a date.] No...there isn't another woman.  I just...
really dislike you.  Out of my way.
(He stalks forward, roughly shoving Shampoo aside as he leaves the 
dojo.)

Ranma: Isn't he going to pack first?

Shampoo: Ranma!  (glomp) Tzubi be mean, you comfort Shampoo?

Ranma: (sweating) Well...you see...
(Akane, smiling sweetly, uses the Almighty Mallet to knock Ranma 
unconscious.)
********

(Scene: A grassy plain beneath a purple sky.  Wind blows with a 
low howl.  Two moons hang in the sky, like the eyes of an 
all-seeing entity whose purpose in as unfathomable as the 
nutritional value of Cheese Whiz.  Ranma stands in the centre of 
this plain, his outfit and hair whipped by the wind.)

Ranma: [Where am I?]

Voice(slightly irritated; echoing): Well, _finally_.  I thought 
you'd never show up.

Ranma: (spins; echoing): Who...
(He blinks as he sees his morally incorrect female half calmly 
sitting crosslegged on thin air about three metres away.  All 
following dialogue is echoing, �cause that sounds cool.)

Ranma: S-senchi?!?  How...

Senchi: You're so dense, Ranma.  You're _dreaming_, you idiot.  
Actually, we're _both_ dreaming.

Ranma: What do you mean?

Senchi: (rolls her eyes) It's like talking to a brick wall.  
Listen.  You have no idea how we're linked, do you?  I'm not a 
_completely_ new person, Ranma.  I'm _you_, without your 
inhibitions.  You're me with more self-control.  We're the same 
person, and we always will be.

Ranma: No!  You're lying!

Senchi: And what do I possibly have to gain from lying?  Anyway, 
what you believe doesn't matter.

Ranma: (taking an offensive stance) Go away Senchi, before I have 
to get violent.

Senchi: Ranma, this is the _mental_ plane.  Your fists won't hurt 
me.

Ranma: We'll just see about that!
(He charges at Senchi, and with a vicious war cry, launches a 
flying kick at her unconcerned face...and passes right through 
her, to slam into the ground.  Senchi swivels to face him.)

Senchi: Despite the amusement I get from seeing how pathetic an 
opponent you are, I have business we need to discuss.

Ranma: (standing up) Forget it.  I don't deal with sleaze.

Senchi: You've dealt with Nabiki before, and she's much more 
likely to double-cross you than I am.  Now listen.  I'm going to 
promise you I won't try to kill any of your girlfriends, on one 
condition.

Ranma: I said...

Senchi: That you occasionally let me out.

Ranma: ...you can forget it.  I can keep you in myself.

Senchi: (eyes narrow) Very well, Ranma.  You want to play 
hardball?  I can play with the best.  (stands up; still in 
mid-air) You're out of your league here, Ranma.  You're not 
fighting an enemy, you're fighting yourself.  And you'd better 
pray you don't win.
(She disappears.)
********

(Scene: breakfast at the Tendo household.  Everyone is chatting 
amiably except Ranma, who looks exhausted and worried.  His food 
is untouched.)

Genma: What's you problem, boy?

Ranma(sulky): Nothin'.

Genma: Lost your appetite?

Ranma: Y- (Genma picks up Ranma's plate and tosses the contents 
down his throat) es...

Kasumi: Did you have a bad dream, Ranma?

Ranma: You _could_ say that...

Voice: Good morning, Ranchan!

Ranma: (perks up) Ukyou...
(Said chef walks in through the porch.  She has her hands behind 
her back.)

Ukyou: Ranchan, I heard you were going to be using the buddy 
system... (holds up a thermos)
(At this point, Shampoo skips in the door...also holding a 
thermos.)

Shampoo: Nihao, Ranma!  Shampoo come... (spots Ukyou; angry) What 
she doing here?

Ukyou: (looking annoyed) I'm here to help Ranchan, you bimbo!

Shampoo: That Shampoo's job, silly girl!
(They both growl and begin to glow.  Ranma puts his head in his 
hands.)

Ranma: What'd I do to deserve this?

Akane: Got a few days?  I'll give you a list.
********

(Scene: Amigi's spellchamber.  Said magician is sitting in an easy 
chair near a bookshelf, flipping through a tome.  Tsubasa, looking 
bored, is standing near a shelf full of strange-looking bottles 
and grotesque objects.  He stretches his hand towards one curiously.)

Amigi: Don't touch that.  (hasn't looked up from his book)

Tsubasa: (stops) Why not?

Amigi: Because it will turn you into a frog.

Tsubasa: Oh... (reaches for another item)

Amigi: And _that_ will turn you into a slug.

Tsubasa: (points at a third, innocent-looking bottle) And what 
about this?

Amigi: (looks up; dark tone) That, my boy, will turn you into the 
most horrid, evil, monstrous creature on the face of the Earth.  A 
creature so terrifying it strikes fear into the hearts of children.

Tsubasa: Ranma?

Amigi: (eyes glitter) No, far worse...a used car salesman!
(Tsubasa shrieks and falls back a step, then stops.)

Tsubasa(disbelief): A USED CAR SALESMAN?!?

Amigi: Hai... (looks back into his book) Aha!  (he closes it with 
a flourish) I've found it!  The answer to all our problems!  
(He cocks his head back and lets out a roll of megalomaniacal 
laughter.)

Tsubasa(excited): What is it?

Amigi: (stops) I...I forget.
(Tsubasa facefaults.  Amigi opens up the book, and starts to look 
through it again.)
********

(Scene: the road from Furinkan High.  Ranma, looking annoyed, is 
walking home.  Two steps behind him, Ukyou and Shampoo are yelling 
at each other.)

Shampoo: Ranma want Shampoo help!  He no need stupid girl mess up!

Ukyou: Why don't you go chase Tzubi for a while, you hussy?  Or 
maybe the other half of Nerima!

Shampoo: You take back!  Shampoo very loyal to her husband...s.

Ukyou: You know Shampoo, bigotry is illegal.

Shampoo: Shampoo no care!  You go �way!

Ukyou: Leave Ranchan alone!  He needs you less than he needs his 
curse!

Shampoo: Ranma need someone he love help him, all else need no 
apply!

Ukyou: True, then why haven't you left?
(Shampoo grabs Ranma's arm, pulling him to a halt.)

Shampoo: You tell her, Ranma!  You love Shampoo!
(Ukyou grabs his other arm.)

Ukyou: Tell the truth, Ranma. _Which_ one of us do you want to 
help?

Shampoo: Choose Shampoo!  (pulls Ranma to her)

Ukyou: No, choose me!  (pulls Ranma to her)
(The tug of war goes on for a minute or so.  All the while, 
Ranma's expression goes from hopeless, to agitated, to angry and 
finally to infuriated.  He yanks his arms from their grasp.)

Ranma: Cut it out!  (he spins on the stunned girls) I've had to 
deal with this all week!  More like all year!  And frankly, I'm 
_sick_ of it!

Shampoo: What you talk, Ranma?

Ranma: I am not a piece a meat!  I don't need any of this!
(He turns away and sprints off at high speed.)

Ukyou: (after a brief hesitation) Ranchan, wait!  (she takes off 
after him)

Shampoo: Aiya!  Come back!  (runs after the two)
(The chase takes a course through the streets of Nerima, with 
Shampoo and Ukyou hot on Ranma's heels, but falling gradually 
behind.  They come to the canal, and Ranma swerves around a corner 
and out of sight.  Ukyou and Shampoo also round the corner, but
are forced to come to a halt before slamming into an old woman 
watering the street.  They blink.  Ranma has disappeared.)

Shampoo: Where he go?
(Ukyou is staring at the puddle, and more significantly, a wet 
footprint on the other side.)

Ukyou: Uh-oh...

Voice: Hello, girls.
(They both look up, to see a cheerful-looking Senchi perched on 
the wall.  Ukyou groans.)

Shampoo: SENCHI!

Senchi: Very good dingbat, and can you say banana?

Shampoo: �Course Shampoo can.  Banenne...anan-an-_an_...

Ukyou: (reaching down) Shampoo!  Use your...
(Senchi springs off the wall, and flies between the two girls.  
She rolls to her knees and comes up with her back to them and her 
arms held high.  In each hand is a thermos.)

Ukyou(lamely): ...thermos...
(Senchi calmly stands up and turns and turns to face them.  She 
calmly tosses the thermoses over her shoulder and into the canal.)

Senchi: Oops, silly me.  (arrogant smile) Did you _really_ think 
that lame plan would work?

Shampoo: (pulling out her bonbori) Senchi, you no stay long!

Ukyou: (hesitates, then brandishes her combat spatula) I guess 
I'll have to help the bimbo...

Senchi: A fight?  (chuckles evilly) Well now.  This should 
be...amusing.

Shampoo: You not so sure soon!  Aiya!
(Ukyou pole-vaults (or is that spatula-vaults?) over Senchi as 
Shampoo charges.)

Ukyou: [She can't use her mega technique if Shampoo and I are in 
two different places...]
(Shampoo swings her bonbori in complex offensive patterns, adding 
in kicks, elbow jabs and other moves.  Senchi dodges all of it 
with ease.)

Senchi: You're pathetic.

Ukyou: Try this on for size!
(She adds her spatula blows to Shampoo's strikes, but Senchi still 
dodges, albeit with less ease.)

Senchi: I'd love to stick around and continue this girl talk, 
but... (she clenches her fist and it turns jet black) I have... 
(swirls of energy begin to collect around the hand) more important 
things to do!

Ukyou: [Here it comes.  I hope she uses it against Shampoo...]

Senchi: Take this!  (she extends her ebony hand upward) 
RA-SHIN-GIN-KIRI!
(Ukyou backpeddles, but Shampoo continues the assault.  Then a 
concussion rocks the air and a sphere of opaque black energy forms 
around Senchi's fist and radiates outward.  It passes through 
Senchi, but slams into Shampoo and sends her flying into the wall.
Ukyou manages to escape the worst of it, but is still picked 
up and tossed into the fence.  It creaks, then gives way with a 
metallic snap, sending Ukyou plummeting into the canal.  The 
energy sphere turns translucent and then dissolves into streamers
of energy that flow back into Senchi's hand.  Senchi clenches 
her fist, gathering up the last of the power, and looks at the 
crater her technique created.)

Senchi: (smiles) Fools.  I've not spent my time inside idly.  (she 
walks over to Shampoo, her hand returned to normal) I _should_ 
kill you now, but it's Friday and... (looks up at the clock tower 
in the distance; surprised) I only have two hours before my date!
Later.
(She leaps up to a roof and away.  The view runs along the ground 
and then over the lip of the canal.  There, we see that Ukyou did 
not fall into the water, but is in fact hanging onto a section of 
wirelink that fell over the side but is still attached to the rest
of the fence.)

Ukyou(worried and strained): Date?!  I've got... (starts to drag 
herself up) a bad feeling about this...
********

(Scene: the Tendo's backyard.  Ukyou, Genma, Soun, Tzubi and 
Nabiki stand near the pond.)

Genma: A date?  (pushes up his glasses; seriously) You know what 
this means, don't you?  (everyone nods solemnly; Genma smiles) It 
means I can have Ranma's portion at dinner tonight!
(Ukyou calmly smashes Genma with her spatula, sending him flying 
into the pond.  The panda growls curiously and holds up a sign.)

Panda: {What'd I do _this_ time?}

Ukyou: Well he was a lot of help.

Soun: This leaves us but one course of action.  We must find 
Senchi and stop her before...

Ukyou: You don't say.  And how do you propose we find her?

Panda: {Release the hounds!}

Nabiki: We don't _have_ hounds.

Panda: {I just always wanted to say that.}

Soun: We could use careful deductive reasoning, combined with 
researched clues, psychological profiles and eyewitness accounts 
to find her, or... (Ukyou blinks) we can charge about pell mell 
screaming at the top of our lungs!  (he runs to the wall) SENCHI!
(runs down to the gate) SENCHI!!!  (runs out; voice receding in
the distance) SENchiiii....
(Genma runs after him, holding up a "Wait for me, Tendo-kun" sign. 
Ukyou shakes her head.)

Ukyou: Looks like it's up to us.

Tzubi: Up to _you_.  It doesn't really matter to me in the 
slightest what Senchi does.  (to Nabiki)  See you in class Monday.

Ukyou(sounding desperate): Nabiki?

Nabiki: You couldn't afford it.  (she also walks away)

Ukyou(pleading): You can't expect me to look for Senchi alone?!?
(At this moment, Akane walks out.)

Akane: Senchi's loose?  Well, I guess we'll have to find her.

Ukyou: Great.  What else can go wrong?

Voice: I, Tatewaki Kunou, offer my assistance!
(Kunou runs into the yard, followed by Sasuke.)

Kunou: It is my understanding that you seek the fair pig-tailed 
one, who has eluded the evil Saotome's grasp.

Ukyou: How did...

Kunou: Now, thanks to noble Sasuke, he and I can at least free her 
from Saotome's evil clutches.

Ukyou: I had to ask.

Voice: I shall protect you, Akane, (Mousse leaps from the roof) in 
this dangerous venture.

Ukyou: Why me?

Kunou: Do not fret, my lady.  Forsooth soon, the dawn of antiquity 
is pebbled like the shores of divine right.  I have prepared for 
this day.  Sasuke!  Fetch the family bloodhound Valiance!

Akane: A bloodhound?  Great, now we'll find her no problem!
(*crack*boom*ominous roll of thunder*)
********

(Scene: a sweeping, ranch-style home on the edge of a gigantic 
lawn.  In one of the many front windows, we see a shadowy figure 
getting dressed.  In the room, we see it is Mikado, who adjusts 
his cashmere sweater so it lines up more evenly with his neatly
pressed slacks.  He smiles and pulls out a tiny comb, with which 
he proceeds to adjust his hair.)

Mikado: Mikado my boy, no woman on the Earth could resist you 
tonight.
(A buzzer rings, and the light on an intercom comes on.)

Servant(over intercom): Master Sanzenin?

Mikado: I'm here, Viarde.

Viarde: There's a girl down here who says she's here to see you...

Mikado(surprised): How did she get past security?

Viarde: I really have no idea... (gulps) Sir, could you please 
come down?  She's scaring me...

Mikado: I will be down presently.
********

(Scene: back in the Tendo backyard.  Everyone is standing around 
a...I'm not quite sure _what_ it is.  Allow me to describe it.  It 
is a half a foot tall and two feet long, made up of fold upon fold 
of fatty flesh covered in thin molted brown and off-white fur.
A stubby, inert tail pokes out of one end, and a small, round,
wrinkled head extends from the other.  Ukyou points at it with a
shaking hand.)

Ukyou: W-what the hell is _that_?!?

Kunou: Tis the family bloodhound Valiance.  A better tracker can 
not be found.

Ukyou: At least not by that thing.  I doubt it could find the 
ground, much less Senchi.
(The...dog(?) Woofs in a wheezing tone.  Kunou is suddenly 
backgrounded by a blazing blue pillar of energy as he spins and 
extends his bokken upward with a metallic shink.)

Kunou(roars): Valiance has discovered the trail!  Quickly, let us 
be off!
(Return to reality, where Sasuke is holding a neon blue light 
behind Kunou and Valiance is snoring.)

Ukyou: C'mon, let's go.  (she begins to walk away)

Akane: Wait up, Ukyou!  (starts after her)

Mousse: Never fear Akane, _I_ am here to protect you!  (starts off 
in the opposite direction)

Kunou: Come, Sasuke.  And forget not Valiance, whose noble nose 
shall lead us to fair beauty.
(Kunou strides after Akane.  Sasuke throws Valiance over his 
shoulder and starts after them.)
********

(Scene: the Sanzenin household.  Mikado is walking down a hall.  
He opens a door and steps into a parlour.  Inside, a man in a 
butler's uniform is pressed against the wall as far away as 
possible from a swivel chair which is turned away from Mikado.)

Mikado: Viarde!  What is...
(The chair swivels to face him.  In it sits Senchi, but not the 
rough-looking girl from the dumpster.  Her hair has been 
exquisitely groomed, and falls down in a long tendril that wraps 
around her like a snake made of fire.  Her face has a look of 
haughty beauty, and has some lipstick and light blush applied.
She is wearing a tight, red strapless dress that reveals a good
portion of her more...feminine attributes and leaves her shoulders
and arms bare.  The dress goes halfway down her legs, and is some
what loose.  She is wearing a pair of dark pantyhose, and her legs 
are crossed.)

Senchi(very alluring tone): Hello, Mikado...

Mikado: Homina, homina... (knees shake)
(Senchi stands up and saunters over to him.)

Senchi: Are you ready for our date?

Mikado: (snapping out of drool mode) H-h-hai...yes, we shall leave 
at once.

Senchi: (pats him on the cheek) I know just the place...
********

(Scene: the streets of Nerima.  Soun runs around near Full Soun 
Tendo Tear Breakdown (tm), screaming out Senchi's name.  
Genma-panda sits down at a street stand, eating.  Kunou is 
laughing megalomaniacally and parading around, pointing at various 
objects.  As he does Sasuke runs over with Valiance and shoves the 
snoring dogs face at the place indicated.  Mousse is chasing an 
innocent-looking boy around, yelling "Die Senchi!"  Akane is 
looking in a restaurant door.  Ukyou is calmly reading a 
newspaper.)

Ukyou: [Amateurs.  It takes someone who _knows_ Ranchan to know 
where Senchi would go, since they share the same tastes.  Now if I 
remember correctly...] Aha!  (she holds up the newspaper, pointing 
at an article) This is where we'll go!
********

(Scene: a movieplex.  On the marquee are the words: "Zombie 
Bloodsucking Psycho Robots From Mars."  Mikado and Senchi stand in 
line.)

Mikado: Zombie Bloodsucking Psycho Robots From Mars?

Senchi(sidles into him; low tone): But don't you know?  This is 
the scariest movie in town.  And us fragile women always latch 
onto the nearest person when scared...

Mikado(brightens): Well what are we waiting for?
********

(Scene: same place, some time later.  The lineup is gone.  Ukyou 
runs up, with Akane, Mousse, Kunou and Sasuke-carrying Valiance-in 
close pursuit.  She comes up to the front of the theatre and 
stops.)

Ukyou: This is it.

Akane: Zombie Bloodsucking Psycho Robots From Mars?  Are you sure?

Ukyou: Well, if Senchi and Ranma share the same tastes, then 
she'll be here.

Akane: But this movie is just a gorefest!  It was the stupidest 
thing I ever watched!  Just a whole lot of fighting and blood, 
with no plot at all!

Ukyou: Exactly!  C'mon, we have to find a way in.
********

(Scene: the inside of a movie theatre.  The rows are packed with 
teenage couples, all cringing away from the screen, which we can't 
see.  All except one couple, that being Mikado, who is staring 
open-mouthed at the screen, and Senchi, who is leaning forward
eagerly.)

Senchi(shouts): More gore!  More gore!
(There is a woman's scream and the cracking sound of snapping 
bones, accompanied by liquid gushing sounds.  Senchi sits back in 
her chair, looking satisfied.)

Mikado: How can you _watch_ this?  (another cry of pain) Oh my...

Senchi: (smiles and puts an arm around his shoulder) Now Mikado, 
don't think of it as just blood and guts, think of it as 
performance art.
(We switch our view to the ceiling, which is made up of many 
panels.  One of the panels shifts and is pulled up and away.  In 
the ceiling, we see the group clustered around the hole, looking 
down at Senchi and Mikado.)

Kunou: To think I am reduced to this.  I should be down upon the 
floor with my pig-tailed goddess.

Akane: Quiet.  There she is.

Mousse: Where?  I don't see her.

Akane: That's no big surprise.

Sasuke: Perhaps we should descend upon her now?

Ukyou: I'd rather not wind up in the hospital, thanks.  We'll have 
to wait until Senchi's alone and we can surprise her.

Kunou: (chuckles) [And then...then she and I shall relieve 
ourselves of these infidels...]
(We see a Kunou Dream Sequence (tm) of a sparkly-eyed Senchi 
leaning against Kunou, who has his arm around her and smiling as 
wind ripples both of them while dragons drink tea and eat each 
others heads in the background and a pudgy man with Japanese and 
Chinese flags for ears offers daisies to a demon spewing eggs at 
Kunou's head.)

Dream-Senchi: Ohh Kunou, you saved my soul!  You're soooooo strong!
(The dream Kunou laughs uproariously, then goes down as some of 
the eggs hit his head.  In the real world, Kunou is chuckling 
insanely, tears running down his cheeks in streams and his hands 
pointed upward and clawed.)

Ukyou: (staring) What's with him?

Akane: I don't think I want to know...
(Down in the theatre, Senchi has her head on Mikado's shoulder.  
His expression is vying between bliss, disgust and terror.)

Senchi(breathes): You're so brave...

Mikado(tiny voice): H-hai...
(At this point, there is the roar of a chainsaw and a man's 
ululating scream.)

Mikado; What the hell are they doing?!?

Senchi: I believe the technical term in emasculation...
(There is a final scream and every boy in the theatre, Mikado 
included, places their hand protectively over their crotch.)

Senchi: Aww, did you think that was cruel?  (moves her had up and 
angles towards him) Here, let me make the nasty pictures go 
away... (she moves closer and closes her eyes...)
(...at this point, up in the ceiling, everybody is watching in 
horror.  Except Kunou that is, who is looking upward and saying 
"Pig-tailed girl" in low, reverent tones.)

Ukyou: She wouldn't...

Akane: We've got to _do_ something!

Ukyou: I'm open to suggestions...

Shampoo: (suddenly hanging from the roof) Nihao!  Shampoo come get 
rid Senchi!  (she pulls out a kettle)

Ukyou: NO!
(Down below, Senchi gives up on subtlety and throws herself on 
Mikado with a violent glomp/kiss combo that would put most boys in 
a cold shower.  Meanwhile, Shampoo tips the kettle, sending a 
stream of water down through the hole.  Mikado is just beginning
to get with the program when Senchi, who is on top, is hit by 
the boiling water... Ranma's eyes open and he stares at Mikado, 
who hasn't yet noticed anything.  Ranma starts to glow.)

Ranma: (drawing back) YOOOUUUUU _SICK_... (he pulls back a hand 
and uses it to put Mikado's face into the aisle behind him, the 
hard way) _PERVERTED_...
(Ranma axehandles the dazed Mikado, effectively trashing the 
already busted chair.  Suddenly another stream of water falls on 
him, this time freezing cold.  Up in the ceiling, a panting Sasuke 
is holding a bucket.  Ukyou and Akane are staring at him.
Shampoo is tied up in the corner.)

Ukyou: What'd you do _that_ for?

Sasuke: Well, you seemed so concerned about the hot water that I 
thought...

Ukyou: Don't think.  It gets us into too much trouble.
(Down below, Senchi is holding Mikado's bruised form in one hand 
and looking up at the hole in the ceiling.)

Senchi: [Trying to ruin _my_ date, are they...we'll see about 
that!] (pulls Mikado to his feet; most feminine tone] Mikado-sama, 
I'm _really_ scared by this movie.  Let's go back to your place, 
okay?

Mikado: (unfocused eyes, bruised face, missing teeth) 
Shmurr...whumwever woo cay dokm...
(She begins to drag him out.  Up in the ceiling, the other's 
notice this.  Ukyou stands up.)

Ukyou: Quick, we can't let her get away!  To the Sanzenin 
household!

All: To the Sanzenin household!
********

(Scene: the Sanzenin residence.  Senchi and Mikado are let in the 
front door by Viarde.)

Mikado: (rubbing his forehead) I have a splitting headache...

Senchi: I think you just got a little too excited at the theatre.

Mikado: Perhaps I did...

Senchi: (leaning against him) Why don't you show me... (pauses) 
where the bathroom is.  I need to freshen up.

Mikado: Sure.  First door on the left down that hall.  (points) 
You'll find me at the end of this hall.

Senchi: Arigato...
********

(Scene: the park-like yard of Mikado's home.  Kunou and 
Sasuke-carrying Valiance-lead the way in true commando fashion.  
Akane is streaking from various patches of cover behind them, 
Shampoo is leaping from tree to tree, and Ukyou is giving them all 
strange looks as she walks out in the open.)

Ukyou: What do they think this is?  Golgo-13?
(Up ahead, Akane runs into cover behind a tree and her foot passes 
through a red laser trigger.  Suddenly sirens whine, bells clang 
and klaxons blare.)

Akane: Oops...
********

(Scene: a bathroom.  Senchi enters and steps up to the mirror.  
She pulls out a container of lipstick and puts her purse down by 
the sink.  Holding the tube up, she waits expectantly.  Her 
reflection in the mirror seems to blur and distort, then is
suddenly replaced by an image of Ranma in his tunic and pants.
Ranma steps back.)

Ranma(slightly distorted voice): Huh?  How in...

Senchi: (starts applying the lipstick) You still don't get it, 
Ranma?  Of course not.  (puckers her lips and puts the tube away) 
We're the _same_ person, Ranma.  I'm just all the emotions, brains 
and desires you've never used, all wrapped up in a feminine
package.  Thanks to the training I got from Amigi, not only can 
I keep you from seeing what I do, but I can let us talk anytime I 
want.

Ranma: Are we dreaming again?

Senchi: No, this is the real world.  I'm just letting you see 
through my eyes like you used to be able to do.  I, however, can 
not see you, nor can anybody else.

Ranma: Why are you doing this?

Senchi: I just wanted to tell you that I'm at Mikado's, and I feel 
_lucky_ tonight...

Ranma: (gasps) You wouldn't!

Senchi: I told you I play hardball, Ranma.  Can you think of 
_anything_ more likely to make you want to remain inside?

Ranma: You _BITCH_!

Senchi: (smiles; Ranma fades away) Ain't it the truth.
********

(Scene: the living room, where Viarde is arranging the cushions on 
the couch.  Suddenly an alarm starts to ring.  He leaps up, runs 
to the intercom and pushes a button.)

Viarde: Master Sanzenin, we have uninvited guests.

Mikado: (chuckles) Deal with them, Viarde.

Viarde: Straight away, master.
********

(Scene: outside, the "commandos" are running towards the house.  
Suddenly they all stop as a large broadsword flies through the air 
and embeds in the ground before them.  Then several figures in 
black ninja garb jump out of the bushes.  They take up positions
between the group and the house.)

Kunou: And who is this that blocks the path of Tatewaki Kunou, 
Blue Thunder of Furinkan High and lord of the sword?  (pulls out 
his bokken and takes up an offensive posture) Stand aside, or I 
shall be forced to smite thee.

Ninjas(all): We are the Sanzenin Super Samurai Strike Squad, and 
none shall pass!  (they pull out various weapons, and one of them 
retrieves the broadsword)

Ukyou: (snaps into offensive posture, combat spatula at the ready) 
Forget it, sugar.  My fiancee's in there, and nobody's stopping me!

Shampoo: (pulls out a pair of bonbori) Shampoo no let stupid 
ninja's stop!

Mousse: (flexes his arm and pops out a pair of claws) Stay behind 
me Akane, _I_ shall protect you!

Kunou: Valiance!  Kill!
(The dog lets out a long snore.)

Sasuke: Perhaps we should discuss this first...

Ninjas(all): Then face destruction!
(The two groups charge at each other, roaring battle cries.)
********

(Scene: a hall in the Sanzenin household.  Senchi, scowling, is 
walking down the hall towards a door at the end.)

Senchi: [I warned you, Ranma.  And while I'd rather save myself 
for Ryouga-chan, you leave me no choice.  Nothing's going to stop 
me now!] (she comes to the door and knocks)

Mikado(from inside): Is that you, Senchi?

Senchi: Hai, Mikado-chan... (she grimaces)

Mikado: Well come in, come in.
(Senchi puts on a happy face and opens the door.  When she steps 
through, the first thing she is greeted with is a floor to 
ceiling, wall to wall window with an excellent view of a hill 
which slopes gently upward and is covered by beautiful flowers.  
The room up to that point has a large swimming pool in it.)

Senchi: Nice view.

Mikado: It's even better over here.
(Senchi smiles and turns.  Then the smile falls off her face and 
she cringes back, eyes wide.  Over near the wall, Mikado is 
sitting in a shell-shaped pool of bubbling water that reaches up 
to his chest.  He frowns.)

Mikado: What's wrong?

Senchi: Is that a _hot_ tub?
********

(Scene: outside, the battle is in full swing.  Mousse leaps into 
the air, spins around, and launches a horde of weapons at a 
chain-wielding ninja, who uses his own weapon to deflect Mousse's. 
Shampoo wheel kicks at a ninja carrying a sickle, who dodges 
and slices at her, but she catches it on her bonbori.  Ukyou faces 
off with ninja with a naginata.  She cries out and leaps back to 
get enough room to toss some mini-spatulas at the ninja, who 
dodges.  Kunou faces off with the broadsword-wielding warrior,
and they duel back and forth.  Sasuke is perched on the 
shoulders of another ninja and is using Valiance-snoring all the 
while-as a club.  Akane, meantime, is being chased around by a 
ninja wielding sai.)

Ukyou: [This is getting us nowhere!  I'll have to do 
something...I've got it!] (she swings an intricate pattern with 
her spatula that forces her assailant back; shouts) Everyone DOWN!
(She leaps into the air and swings her hand.  Several bags 
labelled "Special Spice" fly straight towards the lip of the 
flower-covered hill...)
********

(Scene: back near the pool.  Senchi is pressed firmly against the 
wall while Mikado stares at her.)

Mikado: Yes it's a hot tub.  A very good one, actually.  Aren't 
you coming in?

Senchi: (shakes head; thin smile) No thank you....I really dislike 
hot tubs...

Mikado: But the bubbles are _very_ soothing...

Senchi: (slaps her forehead) Silly me!  I don't have a bathing 
suit!

Mikado: (leers) Who said anything about bathing suits?

Senchi: [This guy's sick!  And I can't get anywhere near that hot 
tub...]
(She looks out the window, and near the top of the hill she sees 
several shadowy figures.  Then one leaps high into the air, and a 
second later there is a brilliant orange explosive burst and a 
tremendous crack.)

Senchi: This isn't good...
(Outside, the side of the hill on which the others were fighting 
suddenly gives way and the whole thing begins to slide towards the 
house below.  Everyone cries out and tries to keep their balance 
as they skid along on pieces of hillside-except Ukyou, who leapt
clear.  They rocket towards the glass wall, and with a horrific
crash blast through it.  There is a huge cloud of dust and several
unintelligible cries.  When it clears, we see that chunks of earth
cover the floor and bob in the pool.  On one chunk an irate-looking
cat clings to keep from slipping into the water while nearby a duck
swims lazy circles.  The various members of the SSSSS are strewn
about in positions of pain.  Kunou's head is buried in a wall.
Sasuke hangs from the ceiling on a torn-off piece of grating.
Akane is leaning against the wall, moaning.  In the hot tub, Mikado
is staring down at a half-conscious Ranma in Senchi's clothes
leaning against him, while Valiance snores contentedly on the
womanizer's head.)

Mikado: A...a...a...trans...transvest...
(Ranma looks up and groggily opens his eyes.  He screams and 
crab-crawls out of the tub and up against the wall.  Akane looks 
over at him.  Ukyou runs inside, her expression euphoric.)

Ukyou: Ranchan!  Thank goodness we found you!

Ranma(relieved): You got here just in time, Ucchan.  I owe you my 
sanity...

Akane: (crosses her arms) Hmph!  It wasn't like she was the only 
one who came...

Kunou: (begins wiggling his arms and legs around helplessly) 
Wig-wailed wirl!  Wi wall wave woo!

Mikado(collects himself): Well, this is all absolutely wonderful.  
Now could you all please... (everyone looks at him; explodes) GET 
THE HELL _OUT_ OF MY HOUSE!!!!  (picks off Valiance) And take this 
with you!

                             The End

Author's postscript: Well, here it is.  Magic number five.  Well 
actually, five isn't magic.  I hope you all enjoyed "Senchi's 
First Date".  At least, I hope you enjoyed it more than Mikado 
did.  Stay tuned for the epic Tarou Triad coming up next.  The
first part (chapter six in the series) will be called "Ryouga's 
Final Challenge", which should perk your interest right there.  
What's going to happen?  Well, let's just say that CoD (which 
isn't a fish) is taking Ranma � to the final frontier.  Exploring
 strange new storylines and alien plots, going where no fanfic has 
_ever_ gone before!  Wo ooo oo oo OO oo oooo....