Well, here's Hisaya... I don't know too much about him, so if this is 
totally wrong, tell me, please! A bit dark- so WARNING!


Guilt, Atonement: By Monica Shin

        Guilt is all I have, as I look at him. How can he be so carefree? 
What I did, what I helped to do... I am a monster. I was so stupid for 
listening to that guy. I wanted to blame someone, anyone for Eri... No 
excuses! It was my fault that it happened... all mine.

        When I saw Eri like that, so lonely and sad, I felt like my heart 
was breaking, shattering. But when I held her, and she started moaning 
apologizes to that Kouji... the same one who had shattered her dreams... 
I couldn't stand it. Something happened to me, to my soul. 

        Darkness and despair, mixed with rage against Kouji, against Eri, 
against everyone... it all mixed inside me. Someone, anyone needed to be 
blamed. Who else but Kouji? He was the one that had hurt her. Hurt my 
precious Eri.

        I look back at myself, and I see a madman. Stupid and insane, I 
blamed the wrong person. Except... who could I blame? Eri for loving Kouji, 
Kouji for loving Izumi-sempai... Sometimes you can't blame anyone or 
anything for life. But now, I can blame someone- that guy... Hirose.

        I may have been crazy, but he was the one that forced me along that 
path... that deed I helped to do. That act that I was going to do... for 
revenge, for my Eri. But I can't even blame Hirose. He didn't force me... I 
was going to do it, until he did it himself, and that willingness to do 
that act- that was all me.

        Now I see myself. I don't look any different. I still play soccer, 
and I seem to be the normal Hisaya that I have always been. But I am 
changed. I have seen my soul, and I know how horrible, how corrupt it 
can be. How can I look at Izumi-sempai without flinching, when I can't 
even see myself?

        The worst part was that I was going to hurt Izumi-sempai, when I 
thought that Kouji was at fault for Eri... that I would consider hurting 
an innocent, another innocent like Eri, just to get back at the lover... 
What kind of person am I, that I was willing to do such a thing? No one is
to blame but me.

        How can I act like him? Unconcerned, joking, laughing? It is a 
facade on my part, but for him, he seems to be healing. I am glad for that...
that perhaps my sin will not affect him so badly for the rest of his life. 
But for me... for me, that act that was almost done by me to him, that act 
that was done to him- it will never leave me. 

        But for now- that he is able to smile, to be happy like this... I
want to keep it that way. If it means him being with Kouji, and denying Eri 
her dream, so be it. I love her, but I owe him such a debt, that it would 
take a lifetime to be paid. But I will try, though I cannot look him in the 
eye. An invisible guardian angel, to atone for a past sin? 

---Finis---

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Monica Shin--- monica@pipeline.com- Fav. Anime/Manga-
CLAMP stuffs- RGV, TB, X, MKR, CCD, 20 Menso, CCSakura,
MBoy, GWing, Esca, S.Dunk, RKenshin, FY, YYH, EVA, Zetsuai,
Fav. Charas- Akira, Ashura-ou, Hiei, Hiiro, Kenshin, Subaru
Visit my homepage! http://www.pipeline.com/~monica/