The H-Files
Chapter 1
A Spoof Chase Production
(http://www.maison-otaku.net/spoof)
^-- note, new URL. ^_^
A Lemony Fresh Fanfic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne
(All characters copyright me! Ah, doing original work is a
lot of fun...)
C+C OR GET CANCER AND DIE
<OBLIGATORY WE WARNED YOU DISCLAIMER>
This is a parody of lemons. Not just lemon fanfic, but
LEMON ANIME. So it's gonna be using elements of the genre,
even ones you may not approve of, in a silly, black comedy
style. If you can't deal with the source material don't
even bother reading this, I won't answer to flames; I'm
interested in entertainment, not morality debates.
(Scary intro aside, it's a my series, so you know what
tone to expect, content and theme aside. And if you're
looking for something to spank the monkey to, this
isn't it. :)
</OBLIGATORY WE WARNED YOU DISCLAIMER>
PULL THE STRINGS! PULL THE STRINGS!
(START REEL 1)
NARR. Sometimes it can be hard deciding where to start
telling a story, in the same way it can be hard
deciding how to start telling it. But most people
advise that the best place to start is the beginning
and the best way to start is with 'It all started
when...'.
Unfortunately, this isn't a situation that calls for
such a plain introduction. It's just too unbelievably
weird -- we can't very well start at the beginning,
when things were normal and simple and kind of
understandable, because it'd be so boring people would
fastfoward their VCRs to get to the good bits. Sadly,
reality doesn't always have dramatic timing, and we
must deal with that fact with editing machines and
cutting rooms.
Therefore, we'll begin when things started to edge
closer to the Twilight Zone. Dumped screaming directly
into the abyss you go -- fetch some popcorn, we'll
wait.
(pause)
The dominoes started to fall on one particular
thursday, when Itami Zutsuu was called to her boss's
office.
Itami adjusted her scratchy business suit, secretly wishing
the elevator woudl move faster.
[PROFILE : ITAMI ZUTSUU, female, age late
twenties, dressed like an up and coming
businesswoman, usually seen carrying purse,
folders, briefcases, or other containers. No
nonsense brunette haircut and facial tick when
upset.]
This was the moment she had been waiting for for about six
years now. Six long years at the advertising firm, toiling and
working, without raise beyond standard and without a window
office. And it was beastly hot in that building; hot with hot
piled onto it warmly, because of this annoying and hideously
expensive suit she had to wear. (Well, no, didn't HAVE to wear,
but if she didn't dress like a sharp executive looking like a
sleek grey shark moving through seas of bloody chum, how would
she get anywhere in this business?)
With SKILL, of course! Skill and a pinch of luck. Like her
recent adventures in the wonderful world of advertising;
singlehandedly relying on nobody but herself she managed to pull
down a 1.6 billion yen deal with Glinty Fresh Toothpaste, Inc.
She alone put together a think tank to make the ads for
them, she alone came up with the winning catch-phrase slogan --
'Feelin' GLINTY fine!', and she alone made a landmark series of
commercials that nobody who watches prime time football or soap
operas will ever be able to forget without intense psychotherapy.
Of course, she hadn't heard any 'Good job!' or 'Hey, Itami,
great work!' or 'Have a company car!' signals from her boss yet.
But that was clearly right around the corner.
NARR. However, the mood in the high offices that thursday was
not jovial.
Boss-san (for that was actually his name, the way kids named
'Jeeves' end up butlers) continued to frown.
"On one hand, Itami, you did pull in 1.6 billion yen of
profit for us," he said.
"Thank you, sir," Itami said, bowing.
"On the other hand... did you read page twenty six sub
paragraph twelve clause one in that contract you made with Glinty
Fresh Toothpaste Inc.?" he asked, pulling a thick leaflet of
official looking documents off the table next to him.
"Uhh... refresh my memory, sir," Itami said, not expecting
that.
"'The party of the first part shall acquire in addition to
rights to advertising for the party of the second part
controlling ownership of the following facility from the party of
the first part for use in filming the product in question or any
other uses required : one Shiraki Productions,'" the Boss rattled
off.
"Ah. I recall that clause, sir."
"Alright. In simple, easy to follow words because I'm not
certain you can handle anything else -- you got a movie house in
with the deal. That's a strange rider for an advertising
contract... WHY did you agree to that?"
"Umm..." Itami said, trying to rally a defense. "I figured
that we could use the facilities as mentioned for the
commercials. It turned out we didn't really need them, but a
freebie is always worthwhile and it--"
"What you got for us," the Boss said, "Is a run-down, B-
grade movie house that, having suddenly gained access to OUR
budget through the transfer of ownership, went and made a 1.6
BILLION YEN purchase! With OUR CHECKBOOK! Thus COMPLETELY
NEGATING any profit we could have made from your work!"
Immediately, Itami shot back at him with that most
convincing and effective of debating comebacks, "..."
NARR. I understand your boss was very upset about that.
ITAMI I almost thought he was going to have his third heart
attack right there and then.
NARR. What came of the problem?
ITAMI Well, OBVIOUSLY I did not get my promotion, or my
window office. But Itami wasn't raised to be a
quitter! I took it in stride, took some aspirin, and
took the only option they gave me other than being
fired.
Out with the old, in with the new!
Itami sang along to her own commercial ditty on the crappy
car radio in her crappy car which was once rated 'A great big
rolling iron deathtrap no sane man would buy'. She wasn't
worried about traffic safety, though : she was putting part of
her life behind her. Including the omnipresent jingle.
o/~ Feelin' fresh feelin' fine,
Feelin' happy 'bout life,
With Glinty paste on all your teeth!... o/~
Gone were her days as an advertising executive! She never
liked the job anyway. Come to think of it, she had no clue why
she stayed. The hours were long, clothes uncomfortable, and she
had no window office. Yes, it was time for a change. And yes,
it beat unemployment.
Now, she was : ITAMI ZUTSUU! Movie Producer! Her new job
as the managing executive liaison to Shiraki Productions would
give her newfound respect and power... in the ENTERTAINMENT
industry. She had big plans, yessir.
o/~ Teeth look cleaner -- not all grimy!
And you're feelin'... GLINTY FIIIINE! o/~
(not for use with children under the age of ten or
household pets not legal to purchase in six states
discontinue use if gums start oozing green fluid
consult your physician before use)
o/~ "I'm feelin' GLINTY fine!" o/~
She was so busy singing along to a relic of her past life
which she put behind her in favor of a bold new future that she
missed her exit and got stuck in four hours of traffic next to a
car with all its windows down playing gangsta rap and containing
at least three screaming children.
Into every new life a few bumps must fall, or something, she
rationalized, popping an aspirin to deal with a headache that was
coming on.
NARR. While Itami was in traffic on her first day into work,
you were already busy into--
EDDO Scene 76, yes. Which I personally feel is the most
SHIRAKI important scene in the movie, because of the raw power
of the moment; on screen, you can see everything up
close and really get a feel for the terror. Kind of
like what James Cameron did in 'Aliens'. Good
director, Cameron. I try to follow his wisdom whenever
I can, unless, of course, I can surpass his brilliance
with my own. Particularly in the part of the film, I
believe it's scene 12, when we're seeing--
NARR. But what were your feelings about the new producer?
EDDO Oh, I was happy as a clam. I had a feeling good things
were coming, and was embracing them with both arms!
"Stinking no good producers sending some man-in-black down
here to foul up MY work of art," Eddo scowled, marching in tight
circles, clenching his megaphone in white knuckle fury.
[PROFILE : EDDO SHIRAKI, gangly, brown hair, late
twenties. Up and coming movie director look with
sharp yet casual dress, styled hair and
irrepressible smirk of apparent genius. Tends to
stare at things with almost intense curiousity.]
Burt gave a light shrug, still busy cleaning off the lens
from a previous scene which got a little... intense and messy.
"You knew it had to happen eventually, Eddo. Especially after
you decided to dip into the ready cash for that set..."
[PROFILE : BURT, unassuming, bored looking man of
about twenty years. Dresses sloppily and pretends
not to care if anybody looks at him. Always acts
like he just woke up.]
"If those bastards at Glinty Fresh RESPECTED art, they
wouldn't do this. Did they impose demands on Orson Welles? HELL
NO!... okay, maybe for every film after Kane. But he got ONE
work out with no taint of corporate moneymaking scumbags! And
that's what I'm gonna do, producer or no producer!"
Burt shrugged. "Hey, crash the picture if you want. I
could probably finish up my documentary with what I've got. It
would be boring, but..."
"It would be a proclamation of my martyrdom!" Eddo
proclaimed. "A visual testimony of the dangers of commercial
enterprise and true motion picture art!"
"It would be six minutes long."
"That too," Eddo nodded. He continued to pace.
This wasn't going right. When he heard Glinty had pawned
them off to some ad company with infinitely more resources than
they had provided, Eddo's heart leapt with joy! Finally, he'd
have everything needed to make his brainchild spring to life...
And for one brief moment, he had felt like he was truly in
CONTROL of everything.
Then the call came in that the new producer's liaison would
be arriving today and it all came crashing down like a playing
card pyramid!
"Damn them all!" Eddo cried out, and hurled his megaphone to
the floor. "I will not tolerate this! Whoever this producer is,
he's going to get a piece of my--"
"The producer's here," Burt commented, pointing to the
studio door. "Looks like a woman."
"Hel-lo!" Eddo said, clapping on a big wide grin and turning
to face Itami. "Glad to have you on board! I'm SO looking
forward to working together, miss--"
"Itami Zutsuu," she snapped, with just a twinge of 'If I
could strike you dead where you stand, I would'. "I've had an
extremely bad drive over here, I'm out of aspirin, and I have a
migraine. Direct me to my office and the director and get out of
my face."
"Hai, hai, Itami-chan," Eddo smiled, with big puppy dog
eyes. "Wow, I had no idea that the company would be sending over
a girl! How interesting! I should have gotten flowers--"
"Oh, god," she said, burying her face in her hands. "YOU'RE
the director, aren't you?"
"Eddo Shiraki, present and ready, my sweet! Shall we steal
off and get to know each other better?" Eddo beamed. Itami saw a
smile she wanted to hit and did.
NARR. Why did you hit Eddo, anyway?
ITAMI Well... (sighs) It was a lot of things. It was my new
demotion, the drive over, my headache at the time, that
pathetic male-stud-muffin attitude he was carrying...
my therapist tells me whenever I get wound up like a
spring, and that tends to happen, the best way to avoid
panicking is to act out. So I smacked him.
NARR. So you tend to panic?
ITAMI Who, me? Oh, no. Not really. Not often. Not very
much, at any rate.
"Why did this have to happen to me?" Itami ranted, as Burt
fanned the unconscious director on the floor with a towel. "I
had everything going for me, and it got DASHED to bits! I'm a
modern, intelligent woman, I could have been the top of the
advertising pyramid. But no, no, fate had to swing down with a
big... big... MALLET and squash my hopes and dreams!!"
"Lady, you're twitching. It's scaring me," Burt said
flatly.
"I'm fine. I'm fine," Itami said unconvincingly. "All is
well. I'm sure we just have a misunderstanding here. So, I
think I'll just sit down, relax, and relax. Yes. Relax."
"I think he's dead," Burt said, dropping the towel over
Eddo's X_X face.
"That's nice," Itami nodded, not quite there.
Burt sighed, and looked around. They WERE on something of a
schedule... "I think I'll have to just shoot this scene myself."
"What? But isn't he the director?"
"Lady, with this picture, it doesn't really matter," Burt
said, taking the director's chair / cameraman's chair / boom mike
operating stand.
Itami got her wits about her, and studied the set. It
wasn't much of a set; more of a bunch of recycled science fiction
props tossed together in a big heap against a cardboard sky. The
moon craters were made by dropping bowling balls on the floor.
"Excuse me, but what sort of film--"
"Lights!" Burt announced, before remembering there wasn't a
lighting guy either. He checked the overhead florescent, figured
they'd do just as well, and shrugged.
Itami blinked in confusion as an actress wearing what looked
like body paint (but she later found out was just a leotard of
sorts) poked her head out of the fake set door, carrying some
unconvincing sword props. "Ano, Action?"
"I'm getting to that," Burt told her. "Camera!... That's me.
This is you, Yuki... Action!"
(Scene 32. Scene : The Digital Underworld. YUMI
THE NINJA approaches from stage left.)
Y. "I know that those fiendish Underworld Oni are somewhere
around here! My Ninja sense tells me this, which is why I
have come to this place!"
(HELLBEAST #4 approaches from stage right, tentacles
waving.)
HB#4 "AHA! Yumi the Sex Ninja, you have found the Digital
Underworld entrance from your own world!"
Y. "Aaaaa! A Hell Beast! Die!"
(They fight.)
MB#4 "An opening!"
(They fight.)
Y. "Face the fury of my ultimate technique!"
(They fight. Eventually, Hellbeast #4 manages to
ensnare Yumi in its tentacles, and proceeds to
tear her clothes off.)
"CUT! CUT!!" Itami screamed, jumping out her chair.
"Hey, I'm supposed to say that," Burt protested. But Itami
was already on her feet and off to help Yuki out of the large
tentacled monster special effect, much to the actress's surprise.
"Ano, is there a problem? Wasn't I 'projecting' like Eddo
says I should, Burt-kun?" Yuki asked, not the least bit concerned
about her shredded rags which were previously skintight rags.
"That prop must be malfunctioning," Itami said. "Burt?
That your name? You should have this thing fixed! Do you have
any idea what a potential accident lawsuit this thing could be?!"
"Lady, that was supposed to happen," Burt said, seemingly
shrinking back into his chair.
"Nani?" Itami asked. "Why on earth..."
"BECAUSE!" Eddo Shiraki exclaimed, springing to life behind
Itami and giving her a rather large scare, "I am making the
ULTIMATE science fiction horror movie!"
"..." Itami asked.
"Only the finest hentai film ever made!" Eddo replied,
shaking a fist with emotional rapture! "I shall take what was
previously limited to shallow plots, empty symbols and prolonged
sex scenes onto a new level : with deep plots, intricate
symbolism and even LONGER sex scenes!"
"Hai! Eddo is a genius! And he hired me to play Yumi the
Sex Ninja, who saves the world! WAIWAI!" Yuki exclaimed,
bouncing up and down behind Eddo in more ways than one.
[PROFILE : YUKI YOJIMBO, self proclaimed
fighter of evil, spiritualist, part time
actress, part time frycook. Purple hair that
bobs around, large chest that bobs around.
Eyes that cover 60% of the surface area of
her face.]
"So ka..." Itami said, expression darkening like a storm in
front of a ship carrying volatile explosive chemicals. "It's one
of THOSE movies."
"Yes! I'm so glad you're enthusiastic about this experiment
as I am, my sweet!" Eddo exclaimed, completely misreading the
glowering expression on Itami's face.
"Can I see the script?" Itami asked, through grinding teeth.
Eddo grabbed Yumi's copy and Itami grabbed Yumi's copy from
Eddo in the span of .3 seconds. She paged through it hastily,
hands shaking.
"String bikinis... tentacled monsters... satanic cult sex
scenes... buckets of intestines..." she said, eyes falling on
just the right words. "THIS is the movie you're making?! THIS
IS THE MOVIE I'VE BEEN SENT TO MANAGE?"
Before Eddo could begin on how it transcended those various
things into an entirely new level of meaning, Itami proceeded to
throttle him.
NARR. I noticed you didn't move to stop them.
NIGEL I didn't see how it was possible. I mean, she was
clearly quite offended, as most people are when they
first see Eddo's script, and violently objecting.
Myself, well, I'm not a sort for scraps and brawling;
it's not my cup of tea, really, being a nonviolent,
peaceloving fellow. But it really seemed like she was
doing quite nicely expressing herself, even if it meant
attempting to shake Eddo-san's head free from his
shoulders, so once it looked like she was about done, I
figured I should put in my two cents...
"Does this mean the scene is done?" the gigantic, slimy
green tentacled monster asked, twitching a few tired pseudopods.
"I'd really love to nip back to my dressing room and take a
moment out to read the paper. Maybe brew some tea? Would
anybody like some?"
[PROFILE : NIGEL, tentacled oni monster.
Trained at Oxford Academy. Enjoys tea and
badminton and discussions of the works of
Kant and Neitzsche.]
Itami paused in executing her feelings and Eddo, realizing
that the special effect had just offered her tea.
"I think tea would be... well, it'd be a jolly good way for
us all to have a nice moment and get to know each other. Don't
you, miss?" it continued. "Miss? Miss? Oh my. I do believe
she's fainted."
NARR. Following the pandemonium on the set, and the
producer's turn to take some time unconscious, we
decided to move her off to the dressing room until she
revived. Nigel -- who was playing our Ecchi Oni, and
you might have guessed had trouble finding any other
roles in the movie business because he WAS an oni --
offered to explain things to Itami when she woke up,
but Eddo felt that wouldn't give the right impression.
"Yeah, right," Eddo sneered. "Have the first thing she sees
when she wakes up is the monster that made her faint. Real wise,
Nigel. The crazy bitch will attack you too, mark my words."
NARR. He suggested an alternative plan, for Yuki to watch
over her. You have to understand, the conditions on
the set were not well; Eddo, first being enraged about
a producer being sent, then being enraged at the
producer's enragement, was quite enraged... and Itami
was enraged about everything Eddo wasn't enraged about.
There was entirely too much rage going on for anybody
to stay healthy and stress free... Nigel seemed to be
the only one holding things together. Or trying to.
NIGEL I'd like to say that everything got just peachy after
the initial... shall we say, misunderstandings, but
sadly that wasn't the case. Well, I was feeling calm,
at any rate; but that's quite the norm for me. I was
more worried about the others, Itami in particular.
There was a situation that needed careful management to
keep from coming to blows. Again.
Which is WHY I suggested I go in. Because, well, I may
be a little scary at first -- most oni can't avoid a
bad first impression -- but I knew that Yuki would
probably be far scarier in the long run...
"O great Hathor, answer my call and turn... turn..." Yuki
trailed off, brow furrowing. She consulted her little notebook
of rituals, sloppily copied from a library book, and continued.
"Turn these bad tidings into tidings of love and joy!"
No great Egyptian love goddesses came to bless the set with
peace and tranquility, but Yuki, who figured these things moved
in mysteriously invisible ways, felt better anyway.
She had decided that while she was off duty and babysitting
the new producer, she ought to memorize some of her lines. She
hadn't really done any memorizing in a few days; not that she
didn't want to, but the time just didn't seem to present itself
easily. She was always too busy talking on the phone to those
nice psychic friends, or consulting the stars, or arranging
various crystals in hopes of enhancing her supposedly nonexistent
powers. Much, much too busy to memorize lines.
So she gave up on that and decided to strip naked and get
down to some interesting goddess-prayer rituals she had dug up.
She wasn't particularly concerned about Itami, who was resting on
the dressing room couch with a wet cloth on her forehead -- the
nice lady could join in if she wanted, after all.
Itami's first reaction upon waking up wasn't a desire to
chant in sanskrit and doff her clothing, though. It was actually
a reaction consisting of shock and alarm.
"Where are your clothes?!" she asked.
"Ano -- you're awake! Oh, good," Yuki beamed. "You gave us
all a scare!"
"Where are your clothes?" Itami repeated, unable to get that
idea off her current thoughts.
"In the closet," Yuki replied, not really getting it. "Ano,
what's your full name again? I've got a little book that can
predict your biorythms according to names!"
"I-itami," Itami replied, not looking directly at the girl.
"Itami Zutsuu."
"Itami... Itami..." Yuki repeated to herself, just in case
it would fall out an ear if she didn't concentrate. She pulled
another notebook out of her pile, and checked the I's. "Wow!
This says you're having the worst day of your life!"
"What a surprise," Itami mumbled. "Who're you, anyway?"
"Oh, well, in Eddo-kun's movie, I play Yumi the Sex Ninja!"
Yuki said, posing dramatically. "A proud and strong heroine
battling the forces of evil with martial arts know-how and
charisma!"
"I mean your REAL name!"
"Oh. I'm YUKI the Sex Ninja! I'm a proud and--"
"Nevermind," Itami interrupted. "Where's that fink
director?"
NARR. Itami quickly left the dressing room, in search of
Eddo. Yuki followed, of course, but forgot to put on
her clothes. That's actually a pretty ordinary state
of affairs for her.
EDDO I was down in the special effects lab doing one of the
model shots with Burt when I heard that Itami had woken
up. Naturally, I was eager to clear up the earlier
confusion so we could work together on the project in
harmony.
"Oh, it's you," Eddo said, looking back for a brief moment
as Burt continued to roll camera. He dangled the Chinette coated
in alumnium foil in front of the model railroad, keeping the
stick the string was attached to high enough to probably avoid
being in shot. "Go away, I'm busy."
"Don't give me that," Itami snapped. "I wanna know what you
think you're doing here. My employers CERTAINLY don't want to be
responsible for this... this... low budget, sexist, overly
violent, pathetic attempt at entertainment... this trash!"
"One man's trash is another man's refuse," Eddo replied,
trying to keep calm like Nigel had suggested after he snapped the
original UFO model in anger earlier.
"...what?"
"You see, nobody realizes the TRUE genius of this film,"
Eddo explained, making the UFO hover menacingly while the choo-
choo train whistle below whistled. "You look at it and see a
generic, dull hentai movie. *I* look at it an see the many
subtle layers of symbolism and meaning."
"I see a pie plate on a string," Itami grumbled, folding her
arms.
"Well, then, you obviously aren't educated in the Neo-
Romantic school of original thought," Eddo said. "Otherwise
you'd have detected the clear symbolism of motherhood apparent in
the shape. And the careful movements of the stick here have it
trace out the patterns of the ancient druidic stone circle
dances. It's all over your head, I'd hazard; I can't expect an
uncultured girl like you to follow it all. Women aren't really
bright enough to understand such things."
Just to bury himself farther, he added : "So, dollface, why
not just have a seat and make yourself look pretty while us men
do the REAL work?"
NIGEL He's not that bad a guy, really. Once you get to know
the real him. Few people manage to get that far
without violence, sadly.
Eddo rubbed his cheek, Itami rubbed her hand.
"You're fired!" Itami said. "I won't have my job be ruined
by your stupidity!"
"You can't fire me! I'm an artist!"
"I CAN fire you, I'm the producer!.. I'm REPRESENTING the
producer. I've already almost lost my job today and it won't
happen again!"
NARR. That's about when we realized neither of them had heard
the warning klaxons.
"Umm, guys..." Burt said, trying to distract the arguing
couple.
"Not now," Eddo replied, turning back to Itami. "I'm
warning you... if you try to fire me, I'll sue you and those
Glinty bastards all the way to Mars. I can't let you interfere
in my work."
"And I can't let you interfere in MINE," Itami warned back.
"I'm not going to be a failure TWICE. And may I add you're
responsible for that failure, you and your 1.6 million yen
budget. What on EARTH could you have spent that much money on?!
Look at this place! It looks like you rooted through dumpsters
for all your parts!"
YUKI Those two were scary. But that awful noise was
scarier!
"What's going on?" Yuki asked.
"Well, if Eddo would let me get a word in edgewise--"
"Not NOW, Burt! I'm busy!"
"--I'd comment that the nuclear reactor was about to melt
down," Burt finished, adding a yawn for effect.
"And another thing, mister, I-- the what?" Itami asked.
"Nuclear reactor," Burt continued. "You know, Eddo, the one
you bought for 1.6 million yen on the black market?"
Itami opened her ears to things other than Eddo, and just in
time. Red lights were flashing, sirens were wailing and
generally it looked like someone had opened a big ol' can of
danger.
Eddo gaped. "But... but those nice people from that former
soviet controlled state told me it was perfectly safe!"
"WHY did you buy a nuclear reactor?!" Itami demanded.
"Realism!" Eddo exclaimed, posing! "To add realism to the
engine room of the alien mothership!"
"Call it what you want, we're all going to die in about four
minutes," Burt said, tapping his watch. "Well, you humans will.
Me and Nigel should be okay."
NARR. (It should be pointed out that I'm part oni. My
mother's side. Probably a little late now, but it
should be pointed out. I think Eddo's lack of skill is
rubbing off on me in terms of timing...)
Anyway, the entire crew gathered at Sound Stage 2,
being the only other sound stage we had, to witness
their impending doom. Some took it well.
"We're all going to die," Eddo whined.
NARR. Then again, some didn't.
"We're NOT all going to die," Itami replied. "We just need
to stop this thing from melting down, is all. Does anybody here
know how to... um... stop this thing from melting down?"
"What do we look like, rocket scientists?" Burt asked.
"Man, this'll make a neat ending to my documentary. 'The entire
staff is annihilated when the nuclear pile kills everything in a
five mile radius.' Thanks to letting me on the project again,
Eddo."
"Ano?" Yuki asked, head too empty to think of something more
eloquent.
"We're all going to die and I'll never get my movie done,"
Eddo continued. "Then the world will have to suffer without my
greatness to guide it. The gods must hate me..."
"Hate you? The gods hate ME. One day ago I was the top
advertising executive in Tokyo! Now I'm gonna be a little
glowing puddle of glop!" Itami began, headache starting to pulse.
"If the gods hate YOU, they hate me MORE!"
"Do not!"
"Do too!"
"Do NOT!"
"DO TOO!"
"This isn't helping," Burt noted.
Nigel peeked an eyestalk and a few tentacles out of the
restroom door. "I say, lads, what's all the commotion?"
"AAAH! ONI!" Itami shrieked, leaping behind Eddo in fright.
"Eddo's million yen prop is going to explode," Burt said.
"Ten seconds to destruction, gang, it's been real."
"We're gonna die!" Itami and Eddo screamed, grabbing onto
each other like humans do in this sort of stressful situation.
"Oh," Nigel nodded with the eyestalk. "Well, we'll have to
do something about that."
With that, the oni slid across the floor (not slithered;
popular misconception that oni are slimy) and extended one
mandible, tapping the third button in the fourth column of the
seventh control panel, then using another limb to yank a switch.
'Disaster averted. Have a nice day,' the computer beeped,
and all the red spinning lights and AWOOGA noises shut off.
"..." Eddo and Itami said, continuing to clinging to each
other in surprise.
"Honestly, didn't anybody take the time to read the user's
manual other than me?" Nigel asked. "It's very simple once you
know which doodad to push."
"I'm going home now," Burt said, putting down his clipboard.
"That's enough fun for one day, really. Eddo, say 'that's a
wrap'."
"..." Eddo wrapped.
"Close enough. Okay, quitting time. Nigel, you need a ride
back to the apartment?"
"If you don't mind, yes. I'm afraid the people on the
municipal transport bus weren't pleased to see me yesterday,"
Nigel sulked, tentacles drooping.
"Wai! Can Yuki-chan carpool?"
"What happened to your bike, kid?" Burt asked, putting on
his coat.
"Ano, I think evil monsters stole it. They must've been
afraid Yuki-chan would come and destroy them! I'll see you in
the parking lot -- Yuki-chan no Sex Ninja, AWAY!"
Burt and Nigel watched her bounce off, still forgetting she
didn't have any clothes on.
"Gets into her role, doesn't she?" Burt asked.
"I was under the impression that was actually her line of
work outside the studio," Nigel shrugged with a slurping noise.
"Strange, that. I'll never understand youth today..."
The two left, shutting the studio door behind them.
"..." Itami and Eddo continued.
NARR. Whether it was the adrenaline backwash from coming this
close to fiery nuclear death or if it was just the
realization that they were hugging each other... for
some reason, Itami and Eddo got very quiet around each
other at that point. The two had exchanged some basic
banter and smalltalk, like 'Wow, close one!' and 'Well,
guess we should be going too' and so on, then split up;
Eddo to his office to 'go over some numbers', and Itami
to get her coat and leave.
Of course, if it had really gone that way, odds are
life wouldn't have been very interesting afterwards.
Fortunately the studio has very sound-conductive air
conditioning.
It hadn't been a good day. Just like Yuki's little book
predicted.
Itami had hit the full range of emotions her therapist was
trying to help her control, and failed miserably to get a grip on
them. Panic, anger, depression, the whole bit; this entire
situation just wasn't going to work. She'd rather take
resignation than a job where she had to deal with... with any of
this. With large monsters that had british accents, with strange
teenage girls that can't seem to keep their shirts on, with
radioactive hazards... and especially with Eddo.
She detested the man. He just managed to rub her completely
the wrong way! He was arrogant, sexist, overbearing... he was
impossible. No way could she continue like this. She'd quit
tomorrow and go see what other ad companies wanted a girl who
just sought a nice, quiet office where she could be successful in
peace.
Nodding to herself in acknowledgement of the brilliance of
this idea, she tossed her scarf over one shoulder and reached for
her hat when she first noticed the sobbing.
It wasn't very loud. Faint, almost mouselike; but somewhere
in this building, someone was crying. She was surprised at
first, then curious... she fought the urge to just forget it and
leave, and traced the sound.
The noises were coming from a cooling vent, very distinctly
a girl's crying and sniffling. Which meant somewhere in the
building... hrm. It might be Yuki, in trouble somewhere. Maybe
she finally found some evil monsters. Either way, it was her
duty as producer's liaison to investigate.
The urge to do a good job overcame her urge to just get the
day over with and behind her, and she traced the duct along the
hall and up some stairs, finally coming to an office door. She
knocked lightly, but got no response beyond the muffled sounds...
so she took a deep breath, and opened it.
Inside was a letdown. The lights were out, and no windows;
she couldn't make out anything.
"Hello?" she tried. There was a slight scuffle of someone
in surprise, then a response.
"It-Itami?" a girl's voice asked.
"Umm... yes?" she acknowledged, taking a few steps in.
"Hello? Who is this?"
"It's me..."
"Me who?"
"Eddo. You know. Me." Then a sigh.
Itami blinked, wondering why his voice had changed in pitch.
But it did seem to have a familiar ring... but without the
haughty tones from before. She started to hunt for a light
switch.
"Sorry," Eddo apologized.
"Err, for what?"
"For being a jerk. For calling you names. Just... for
making your first day here awful."
"Oh, that... well, it's okay..."
"I wouldn't doubt if you wanted to quit now, frankly. It's
understandable, really."
Itami was confused. Was this Eddo? She finally found the
light switch, and threw it.
And there sat the most dejected, trod upon, down-in-the-
dumps girl Itami had ever seen. At the second glance, it turned
out to be a dejected, trod upon, down-in-the-dumps Eddo wearing a
fake blonde wig, cashmere sweater and skirt, which made him look
even more pathetic to Itami.
NARR. Pathetic?
ITAMI No no, I mean, 'Pathetic' in the greek term, which
related to Pathos, Ethos, and Logos. Pathos was the
emotional begging of the issue, or something. So here,
Pathetic is a good thing. Like... a little lost puppy.
"Eddo... umm..." Itami started, REALLY unsure of how you
were supposed to phrase things beyond 'Why are you in women's
clothing?'
"Probably wondering why I'm in women's clothing," Eddo
sighed. "Sorry. It's something I've done as a kid, really. Mom
wanted a girl, so she used to dress me like this. It helps me
relax and really be calm about things, without having to worry
about how I'm looking out there to the others..."
"Ah. Well. Okay, that makes sense," Itami offered, a
little stunned.
"Thinking about quitting, weren't you?"
"I didn't say that--"
"But after the way I treated you? I mean, it's only
natural. That's how I scared away our first two actresses. Just
couldn't stop myself from hitting on them and treating them
bad... fortunately Yuki was too... too... I can't even think of
the ADJECTIVE for what Yuki is."
Itami approached the couch Eddo was sitting on, and
nervously had a seat. The nervousness wasn't on an increase,
oddly; maybe just the way Eddo was opening up, or the lack of a
headache, or aligning of the stars or something was helping her
calm down around him. It was an unusual feeling.
"Well, if you know it's a bad way to treat people, why do
it?" Itami asked.
"I don't know. Habit," Eddo shrugged. "I can't really
think clearly without a skirt on. It's odd."
"Tell me more," Itami nodded, urging Eddo-chan on.
NARR. What followed was a good, hearty episode of friendly
female bonding. Itami learned how Eddo almost thought
of himself as two people; the loud artist who was an
authority figure for folks to follow, and the quiet
girl who just wanted to have a seat and work her
feelings out.
NIGEL When I heard the next day that Itami FINALLY managed to
get a sight of our dear director's good side, I was
quite relieved. Although he tends to be a bit
reclusive with it, I figured this would be a good step
for the lad in terms of coming out, so to speak, and
being... well, a more likeable fellow.
YUKI Gosh, is that where my sweaters kept going? Yuki-chan
thought she just forgot to take them out of the locker
each day!
"...so, really, I think it was mom who pushed for me to get
into business school," Itami nodded, sipping her fruit punch
(freshly made by Eddo-chan). "She's the one who always wanted me
to succeed and get rich."
"That's very interesting!" Eddo-chan giggled gleefully. "It
makes so much sense... so that's why you ended up here."
Itami smirked. "Well, I wanted to succeed and get rich too.
But I had originally planned to be a fairy princess. Then an
astronaut. Then a florist. I don't think I was very sure about
HOW I wanted to get there, just that I wanted to get there."
"Oh, I've always known what I wanted to do," Eddo-chan said,
sipping. "Movies are my life. I mean, I may not be GOOD at
them, but I've always wanted to make them like my older sister
did. See... ohmigosh!"
"What? What?"
"Look how late it is! It's eight PM!" Eddo-chan said,
putting his glass down and getting her coat. "I've gotta get
home, I need to feed my cat!"
"Yow. I should go too," Itami nodded.
"See you tomorrow?" Eddo-chan asked.
Itami smiled, and nodded.
NIGEL Yes, I knew then that things would be much better
around here. With those two having sorted things out I
had a feeling they'd get along just fine.
NARR. The very next day when Itami reported for work...
"I'm here!" Itami announced, shutting the rusty studio door
behind her.
"Hey, great!" Eddo-kun laughed. "C'mere and settle a bet
for Burt and me. I'M claiming you're only an A-cup, he thinks a
B. What is it really, babe?"
Yuki was nice enough to get Eddo some ice for his cheek.
NIGEL I never said there wouldn't be a few bumps along the
way, mind you.
(END REEL 1)
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