Well, here's a Rurouni Kenshin fic that I just whipped up. Mind you, I've
only seen the first 24 eps, and after that, it's all in my mind. This
doesn't really fit anywhere, except in the future somewhere ^_^ Well,
if it flat out contradicts anything that's been said, don't kill me, ok?
Oh, and this fic is b/c of the "Oroo" in someone's sig...
Definitions: By Monica Shin
"Kenshin! Where are you going?" I hear her voice, and what can I
say? I don't want her with me- not today. "Ah! Kaoru-dono! I'm just going
for a walk because it's such a nice day. Do you need me for anything? If
you do, then I'll-" She looks at me, with understanding.
"Oh no, it's all right Kenshin. You deserve a break after all the
work you do around here." She smiles at me, and my heart breaks a little.
She doesn't realize that this is the first time that I've lied to her...
"Thank you, Kaoru-dono. I'll be back in a short while." And I walk
away, to think my melancholy thoughts in peace. I look around- it is spring,
and the river is crystal clear. The trees rustle in the soft breeze, and I
sit, staring at the water. Thinking...
I hear footsteps behind me. "Hello, Sano. What are you doing here?"
That is all I say.
He replies, in a diffident tone, "Well, I saw you staring at the
river, and I was wondering what you were doing here. Actually, Kaoru was
kinda worried 'bout you, 'cause it's not like you to just go and take a
walk- I think she was worried that you would just wander off..."
I smile, and answer, "No... no, I wouldn't walk off, not just like
that. At least, not now."
Sano sits down beside me, and waits. He has never been too patient,
and so he breaks the silence. "So Kenshin... what's wrong with you? I've
never seen you like this before- you seem kinda depressed."
I grab a fistfull of grass, tossing it into the air. I watch it
float away, into the river, and answer with a question. "Sano, who am I?"
He looks at me, understandably startled by the question. "You are
Rurouni Kenshin... a guy with an upside down sword, who helps out those in
need. You're kinda silly, and usually let yourself be taken advantage of by
Kaoru, who gets you to do all of the laundry more often than not. Ah... you
cook better than Kaoru, and you're a better baby-sitter. You're a pretty
good guy... "
"No... that's not all I am, and you know it. You've seen me when I
am pushed off the edge. I am Battou-sai, a killer, an assassin with the
blood of hundreds of men on my soul. Which one am I? The silly Ruruoni, or
Battou-sai..." I gaze at the scenery around me, seeing for a moment those
battle scenes, never far from my mind. Death, blood. A deadly sword
performing its graceful dance of death, and I am there too, guiding,
revelling in the bloodshed, all in the right cause for a new government...
I realize as Sano looks at me with alarm, that I have said all of
this aloud. "Well, who am I, Sano? As much as I try to be the silly, nice
Rurouni, I know in the back of my mind that Battou-sai is there. He is
always there, waiting for something to come along that I can't handle...
then he takes over, and one day, he will take control forever. What then?"
I show Sano my hands. "They seem clean, don't they? They do the
laundry, take care of children, do all the domestic, ordinary things that
mean ordinary life. And yet these hands have also fought, held a sword,
killed. I have the deaths of hundreds of men on these hands, for a country,
for a government which is as corrupt as the one we rebelled against. What
did I do, but just kill a lot of people?"
Another tuft of grass into the wind. "I have tried to atone for all
of it... turning my sword so that I wouldn't kill automatically. Trying to
help life, not death. Trying to fight all the wrongdoing, and living a life
that allows me, in some small way, to do penance for all of it. But... at
the end, I just have to close my eyes, and Battou-sai is there, mocking my
attempts. He knows that one day Rurouni won't be enough- I will call to him,
and he will come..."
"That is why, you know. Why I am nothing more than a protector to
Kaoru-dono. She is an innocent... her hands have never touched a sword,
other than to protect. How could I defile her, with myself? I am tainted
with the souls of all those I have killed, each one a blow against her
principles. I could wish for something more between us, but it cannot be.
Instead, I'll always be there for her... that's all."
"Sano!" He looks up at me, with something akin to fear in his eyes.
I have been the replacement of Sagura-taichou in his heart, someone higher
to lean on. I have destroyed another dream, with my need to unburden my own
soul. "Don't worry about it, Sano. You know I'm not going anywhere... I
can't. She's caught me. Tell her... tell Kaoru-dono that I was just looking
at the water, thinking..."
I stand, and walk back slowly to the dojo, absorbed in my thoughts.
Sano is by the river, still sitting. I think that he has had his image of me
shatter- he sees that I am truly human... not just a jester/fighter who
stands up for a higher ideal. I wish I was the way people saw me, without
so many regrets...
Kaoru is there, doing the laundry. She is breathing heavily, as if
she had been doing something strenuous. "Kaoru-dono? Are you all right?"
She looks at me, and smiles. "Don't worry about it, Kenshin. I was just
chasing that brat Yahiko around. How dare he call me-" She interrupts
herself, and goes back to the laundry, taking out her anger on the clothes.
I actually fear for them.
"Ah... Kaoru-dono. I'll do them. Why don't you go and give Yahiko
his lesson?" She smiles another one of those smiles that could stop my
heart, and nods almost vengefully. "That's a good idea..." was all she
says, as she stalks back into the dojo.
I watch her as she goes in, my heart regretting all those times
that I hadn't done something. Those times I had used Megumi-san as a shield,
accepting those playful advances with humor. She and I both know that Sano
was who she was really after, but it was enough that Kaoru was distracted
by her, so that nothing truly serious could happen between us.
But I force the regret back. I had meant what I had said to Sano by
the riverside. I was tainted, and for all of my wishes, all of my penance,
I was still dirty, steeped in death and slaughter. No amount of wishes could
wash it off of me, and I wasn't going to let her near me when I was like
this- when Battou-sai could emerge again.
--------
I go into my room, unusually tired by the day. It must have been
because of that fit of melancholy that I had let myself indulge in...
Yahiko isn't here... why? Then I hear the door slide, and close. I turn
around, about to congratualte Yahiko on his mastery of stealth, when I
realize that it is Kaoru.
Kaoru is sitting at the edge of the room, looking at me with a
strange expression on her face. Surprised, all I could say was, "Kaoru-dono!
What are you doing here-" She interrupts with a fist to my head. "Oroo~"
was all I could manage, as I got a good look at her furious face.
She starts to pace around the room, speaking in a furious tone.
"Kenshin, you idiot! What's wrong with you? If I want to be protected, I'll
tell you! Why do you have to be so thick-" I interrupt her with a puzzled,
"Ah, Kaoru-dono... what exactly have I done?"
"What have you done? Only insulted my intelligence, and-" She looks
at me, and then sighs. She sits down so that we are face to face, and says
with a gentler tone, "Kenshin, I was there listening to you and Sano. I was
just wondering what you two were going to say, and so I snuck in behind him.
I was surprised that you didn't notice me, but I suppose you had a lot on
your mind..."
Kaoru looks at me, with an expression that I had never seen on her
face. It is sadness, terrible sadness... why? Why is she looking at me like
that? "Kenshin... I'm ashamed. I never realized how much of what you did was
just a mask, to this dirtiness that you seem to feel. I don't understand it..."
She grasps my hand, and makes me look into her luminous gaze.
"Kenshin. I want you to look at me. Believe me when I say that you are not
tainted. I know that you were Battou-sai then, but you have changed.
You are trying to become more than a killer, and you have succeeded."
I try to move away, uncomfortable at the raw emotion on both our
faces. She is stronger than I had thought... "I know that you think so,
Kaoru-dono. But that isn't true, and you know it. Kenshin is merely a mask
for Battou-sai, and the killer can come through at any moment. You have seen
me fight, and you have seen me almost lose to the death-dealer within
myself- when I was fighting the other Hitokiri... I almost lost myself that
day."
"But you didn't, Kenshin. You didn't, and that's the most important
part." I look at her face, illuminated by the candlelight. She had a glow
around her... I try to move away. "Kaoru-dono, I-" She doesn't let me go.
"Not Kaoru-dono. Kaoru." I look at her, shocked by the implied intimacy in
that last statement. Then I speak again, this time even more softly.
"Ka-Kaoru. I didn't lose myself that day because of you. But Rurouni is made
so that one day, when you aren't there, I will probably become the Hitokiri
again. And when I do... I don't think that I can stay..."
She has let go of my hand. I accept that- but then I feel her hands
hot upon my face. She forces me to look up at her face, at the tears
threatening to spill from her glorious eyes. "Kenshin, no... no. You won't
go. I won't let you. You said that Rurouni, that the Wanderer couldn't stay
if you became your darker self again. Fine..."
I look at her, surprised. Had she accepted that fact? "But, are you
Rurouni anymore? I heard you ask Sano who you were. Sano answered well
enough, but he defined Rurouni, the silly wanderer. You defined the other
side to Ruruoni, the killer. I will define you as someone else."
Then she starts to take off her kimono. I yelp, and try to stop her
by holding onto her hands. She doesn't resist, and all I see are her
beautiful bare shoulders. "Kaoru! What do you think you are doing?" She
looks at me, and her tears do start to spill. "What can I give you, that
will make you stay, if not myself? Is it me, that you don't want? I know
I'm not much... I'm always angry, and I can't cook, and-"
This I wouldn't allow. I hold her to me, and I softly murmur, "No,
Kaoru. Don't say such a thing. You are beautiful, wonderful, full of spirit.
It's me that doesn't deserve you. I meant what I said to Sano. I don't want
to dirty your pure soul with my own-" She interrupts me with a fierce
whisper. "You don't want to dirty my pure... you idiot! What if I want you
to? What if I think that your soul is purer, and more beautiful?"
I look at her in shock as she continues. "I think that you have
the pure warrior spirit that has gone through troubles and torments. You
managed to drag yourself out of the killing, even after your side won. You
could have easily stayed addicted to death, and power like the Meiji
officials are like now. But instead, you rebelled against it. You remade
yourself, so that you could try to cleanse yourself of the deaths, by
helping others."
"What you don't realize is that your attempts to help have cleansed
your soul. You will always feel guilt. You wouldn't be you, if you didn't.
But that doesn't mean that you are dirtied forever. The guilt you feel, you
should feel forever. But don't be afraid that you are the killer that you
were before."
She smiles at me, with gentleness in her eyes. "No, you are not
that killer that you were before, and you are not that wanderer, either.
You are now something more, because you have something to protect... and
that is what my Budo is about- fighting to protect something. And you are
living up to my principles when you act this way.
I am speechless, and at the same time, I realize the truth of some
of what she has said. Perhaps she is right... but. "But I don't deserve
you. Kaoru... you are too beautiful, to fiery for me. I may not be that
killer anymore, but I am still not rid of him. That means that I can't-"
She stops me with a kiss. Soft and sweet, full of promises.
"Kenshin. I know that Rurouni is Battou-sai's other half, that the two will
never be able to be parted. I understand, and accept that. But... you are
not either one. Not anymore. You are now Himura Kenshin, a wanderer who has
grown roots here, at my dojo. You are now the man whom I am hoping will
court me, and perhaps marry me. You are the man whom I hope will raise
Yahiko to be a strong man of principles, along with me, and perhaps raise
our children to be that way, as well.
I am shocked, looking at this beautiful woman who has so much faith
in me, and the future. Who am I, to argue with such wisdom. She has spoken
the secret wishes of my heart. I look at her. She is disheveled, her hair
loose, her kimono half undone, with tear tracks down her face but still,
so beautiful. I wipe off the tears, and then put her kimono on her all
the way for her, covering those lovely shoulders. She looks at me, not
comprehending.
"I want us to be married before you do anything like this, Kaoru."
I smile at her, and in my eyes are a promise. "We should do it quickly, I
think." is all she says, as she smiles back, the light in her eyes matching
mine. Another kiss is exchanged, and then she leaves. We have said all that
we have needed to say with that. Himura Kenshin... I like that.
---Finis---
Monica/Akira-chan- kinda OOC and sappy, but ^_^
-----
Monica Shin--- monica@pipeline.com- Fav. Anime/Manga-
CLAMP stuffs- RGV, TB, X, MKR, CCD, 20 Menso, CCSakura,
MBoy, GWing, Esca, S.Dunk, RKenshin, FY, YYH, EVA, Zetsuai,
Fav. Charas- Akira, Hiiro, Subaru, Ashura-ou, Hiei, Kenshin
Visit my homepage! http://www.pipeline.com/~monica/