Here's a little something I wrote during a bout of melancholy.
Hope you like it...
                         - P-word.


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Clogged Sink Press Presents:

A Ranma 1/2 Fanfiction:


                                 Facing Up
  

By Plunger

      All characters copyright of Rumiko Takahashi, Shogakukan Inc. and
              Viz Communications, etc., etc., blah, blah, blah...
______________________________________________________________________________

[Story begins...]

As I sit here watching Ranma and Akane together, I find myself asailed by 
mixed emotions. Here they are. Together. As I know, deep down, they belong.

Seeing them standing for the toast in their wedding clothes, their faces 
filled with happiness and hope, I too, feel a sense of unrestrained joy 
for them, but it is a joy tinged with a certain lingering sadness. Ranma 
stands in the place that has always been mine in my fantasy. What right does 
he have to destroy my dream?! 

Every right. My dream is an illusion. False. Fabricated. A lie. Based on a 
fantasy that will never come to be. Looking up at reality as it is, tears fall 
from my eyes. I sit here at Ranma and Akane's reception party, trying to look 
like I'm enjoying myself when my heart is in tatters on the floor. Perhaps 
this is my punishment for standing in the way of their happiness for so long.

I think I have always subconsciously known that Akane loved Ranma, and that
my quest for her love was always doomed to inevitable failure. Nonetheless,
I found myself unable to stop loving her, despite the evidence. Everything 
about her brought joy to my otherwise bleak and pain filled life. On those 
long and lonely days and nights I spent lost on the road, the thought of 
seeing her beautiful face again drove me on.

She has been so kind to me. Treating me with respect when others laughed.
Being thoughtful when others derided. I loved her for so many little things 
I cannot name. Things that would mean nothing to others, but were absoltely 
priceless to me. A kind word, a little smile, a momentary touch. In the 
emptiness of my solitary existance, she gave me hope and a reason to go on. 
Now that hope is gone and there is a huge gaping void in my soul that 
threatens to devour me.

There is nothing left here in Nerima for me but pain. The time has come for 
me to leave this part of my life behind and move to face new challenges. If
nothing else, Ranma and Akane don't need to be reminded of the past... And, 
frankly, neither do I. The time for playing games is over and I have lost. 
Life moves on...and now, so must I.

I don't think I will tell Akari I am going. Much as I have tried to love 
her, I cannot. Love has been tainted by bitterness for me. I fear it will be 
a long time, if ever, before I can try to love again, and it saddens me. It's 
funny really, that I, who have always wanted a release from my loneliness, 
find myself embracing it now like an old friend. Maybe I am a coward... Maybe 
I am wise... I don't know...

As I look at them sitting together, smiling, touching, whispering, openly 
showing the love and affection they feel for each other, I try to get angry 
that Ranma is in the place I have dreamed for so long of being in, but I 
cannot. Seeing Akane so happy raises my spirits too, if only for a moment. 
She has made her choice out of love and I, out of love, must accept it, as 
bitter a pill as it is to swallow.

Akane has chosen the one that she loves in her heart. Although I am saddened
by it, her happiness is paramount to me. If her happiness is in being with
someone else, then so be it, I could never begrudge her any happiness. 

Why, however, must it be Ranma? Because she loves him, and he her. But that's
not true! She said it herself so many times... And so did he. They never even
liked each other! Well... Maybe, not on the surface... But from the day I 
first met her, I knew Akane was already under Ranma's spell. A spell neither 
I, nor anyone else ever had any hope of breaking.  

And yet, I fought on, despite what my senses and my gut told me, waging a 
hopeless war against as foe of unmatchable power. Even to the last, when I 
heard rumors of marriage, I waged one last fruitless battle...

I can still remember the night I finally faced her and told her how I feel...
felt. I can vividly recall the fear that set my heart racing as I gathered up 
my courage.

We stood on the roof of the doujou in the moonlight on a spring evening. The 
air was clear and still and she looked so beautiful in that pale, white light, 
that I could no longer bear not to confess my feelings for her.

I spoke, telling her all of my thoughts and feelings, confessing everything
that had been pent up inside me for so long. I spared nothing as I poured
out my soul for her to see.

As I spoke, the whistful smile left her face as an expression of guilt and 
worry overtook her beautiful features. I knew, in that terrible moment, that
all of my hopes and dreams were dashed. She had already made her decision, 
and that decision did not include me.

I spoke my piece and then fell silent. I had said everything I had to say, 
all I could do was await her reply. I knew what her reply would be, and yet
I could not run. I refused to run from my greatest fear. Instead, I stood 
firm, preparing to face my nightmare like a man.

Finally, after a long, painful moment of silence, she looked up at me with
tears in her eyes. She spoke slowly and softly, as if her tone could soften
the blow that we both knew would invariably shatter my heart. She spoke 
apologeticly, and sadly. I could tell that what she said was the truth and 
caused her great pain to say. I chided myself inwardly for causing her pain, 
but then steeled myself as she said the words I feared most.

"I'm sorry, Ryouga-kun. I..I never really knew... I sort of thought you might
have had a crush on me..."

A crush?! Is that all?! Hardly. She meant everything to me. She was the one
light in the eternal darkness that consumed me. It was much more than a crush,
it had to be... How could the centre of my entire life be something as 
insignificant as a crush? It couldn't be...could it?

She continued on, distracting me from my reverie, "I guess I should have said 
something sooner...but I really didn't even know myself... I...I love Ranma, 
Ryouga. We...talked...about th-things and we're...we're working it all out. 
I..I think I want to marry him. I'm sorry. I really care for you as a friend, 
but I..love someone else... I'm sorry."

I stared blankly into space. The words themselves were not a shock, indeed I
had been suspecting them all along, but to actually hear them said was the 
most painful thing I had ever experienced. In an instant all my fears and 
doubts became horrifyingly real. She realy didn't love me. There was no hope. 
No hope and no future. What good could life be without her? I slumped to my 
knees, the pain in my heart searing my chest like no other agony I have ever 
experienced.

Akane looked sadly at me for a few moment and then whispered, "I'm so sorry."
and ran off. I did not move an inch as the tears flowed freely down my face.
Everything that I had done. All the ignomies that I had suffered. All the 
effort and training I had put in. All of it amounted to nothing. Nothing. No 
matter what I did, I lived in the shadow of someone who would always be better 
than me. The realisation was a terrible one, and it filled me with such gut 
wrenching dispair that the Shishihoukoudan began rising uncontrollably inside 
me. 

I stumbled to my feet and ran heedlessly into the night, desparate to make 
everything that had transpired a nightmare. If it was just a dream, none of it
would be real and I could keep hoping. If only it was a nightmare, my fantasy 
could live on. If only it wasn't real... I ran on, desperate out outrun the 
pain I carried with me. But no matter how far you run, you can never escape 
from yourself...

Finally, I found an empty lot and I let fly, releasing all of my anguish and 
pain in one massive blast of destruction. The scream of rage and pain that was 
torn from my lungs left my throat raw and the ground around me blistered.

When the dust settled and the smoke cleared, I stood and walked away with 
a new sense of peace. It was as if that great blast of power had finally 
cleansed me of some of the ghosts that haunted my soul...

Now, as I leave Nerima to find a new future for myself, I leave with a sense 
of hope and relief. This part of my life is thankfully behind me. I can now 
look at the road ahead without flinching. I have experienced so much pain that
nothing will cause me fear again. I have faced the depths of the human soul 
and survived. Compared to that, what fears are there on this earth?

I turn and look back as I leave town. The past is behind me and the future 
ahead. Maybe, in time, I will be ready to come back and face the people here.
In time. Now, however, the wounds are too fresh and the pain still lingers in
my heart. For now at least, I hope never to see Nerima again...
______________________________________________________________________________
                                  - Fin -
plunger@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au