NARRABUNDAH 1/2
by Urac Sigma
Volume I, chapter nine
Ruthie tai Graham...Kirei Janai.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
TENDO SUZY
Brown
SIGMATOME RATBAT
Brown or red
TENDO NIKI
Black
HINOMIYA RUTHIE
Red
KUNOU JARRAH
Black
TENDO BOBBI
Burgundy and grey
SIGMATOME LEN
Grey
HAPPOUSAI GRAHAM
Red and grey
TENDO FIONA
Light brown
DR TOBOKI CALLUM
Red
HODJSUKE TIMOTHY
Blonde
GOSUNKUGI SAM
Blonde
SAYURI KIM
Black
A
COP
IMAGINARY NINJAS
and that
LOST BOY
TITLE SEQUENCE.
[With the other version of Jajauma ni Sasenai
de, and an art card matching the voice-over.]
SUZY [VO]: Ruthie tai Graham...Kirei Janai.
1. DR CALLUM'S OFFICE.
[We open on Ruthie-sensei, a cut in her arm
being bandaged by Dr Toboki Callum.]
[CAPTION: Neribanda, Japan - Monday 4 September
1995 ]
CALLUM: Masaka, you're not in good shape, are you?
RUTHIE: Han...I walked into a door.
[Behind Dr Callum, Niki and Ratbat-kun cover
their faces with their hands. Suzy's kind of
gazing at Callum, though. Dr Callum concludes.
He hands the remaining bandage to the lab
skeleton.]
CALLUM: Hold that, Hoppy-chan.
[He wraps Hoppy-chan's hand around the roll,
prompting an odd look from Niki. He then touches
a few points on Ruthie's body. He looks at his
watch.]
CALLUM: Now, with the point technique I just used, you'd
be best advised not to move for a good five
minutes or so, I'm afraid. If you could just
wait here...I have to check a few things in
reception.
[He leaves the room. The kids look at each
other.]
SUZY: Ja, sensei... can we ask just what's going on?
RATBAT: Aye...why's Happousai Graham tryin' to do ye
over?
NIKI: I mean...it can't be just because you wouldn't
give him your shitagi or anything. I mean, in
your normal shape you've hardly got big enough
tits to even fill a bra! Wow, I'm glad I didn't
say that out loud. [Realises] Fuck.
RUTHIE: You're weally lucky I'm not your teacher at the
moment, Tendo-san!
[She starts to get up.]
RUTHIE: Otherwise you'd be on detention!
[She tries to lever herself to the ground, but
ends up collapsing in a heap on the floor.
Ratbat tries lift her back onto the table, but
he can't quite lift her. Suzy goes to help him.
Their hands accidentally touch/clasp each other
on Ruthie's shoulder. For a moment their eyes
lock, then they both diplomatically change
position. Ruthie notices none of this, and they
place her back on the table.]
SUZY: Hmmm...ja, Toboki-sensei did say not to try
moving for five minutes or so.
RATBAT: No five seconds.
NIKI: So...you could tell us just what's going on with
you and that old hentai. [Pause] Hey, you're not
his daughter from a fling or something, are you?
RUTHIE: Tendo-san, you have a habit of using far too
much imagination.
[Niki looks sideways at Suzy.]
NIKI [Sexy]: Oh, there are those who appreciate my efforts...
[Suzy joins in.]
SUZY [Sexy]: But that effort's always worth it...
NIKI: Well, I can only get out what I put in...
[Ruthie whips a megaphone out of hammerspace.]
RUTHIE [Megaphone]: Hey!! I was talking!
[The sisters look suitably put upon.]
NIKI & SUZY: Gomen.
RATBAT: Ye was sayin'...?
RUTHIE: When I was a kid...
SUZY: 'When'?
NIKI: Ssh.
RUTHIE: [Sigh] I was really sick when I was a kid...
[Flashback to:]
2. HOSPITAL ROOM.
[Ruthie, looking even younger than her child
form does now [say, about five or six] is here
in the bed. She has an IV or two attached to
her.]
[CAPTION: Kyoto, Japan - Monday 25 May 1970 ]
RUTHIE [VO]: I was hardly ever out of hospital. My first
friend was a bedpan.
RATBAT [VO]: Och, that's sad...
RUTHIE [VO]: Oh, we still keep in touch. Anyway, as I was
saying...I had a very weak constitution... Just
when I'd started to wonder if I'd always have a
tube stuck into my arm, something happened.
[The door of Ruthie's room sweeps open, and
Graham dashes in, closing it behind him. He
still looks the same. No, I don't think this guy
was ever young. Needless to say, he's got a bag
of lingerie with him. A bunch of irate female
staff rush past the door, obviously in the
belief that they are still chasing the old
master. He leans against the door puffing and
panting for a few moments, and Ruthie catches
his eye.]
YOUNG RUTHIE:Are you here to make me better?
[Graham's lips form on the word 'iie', but he
can't bring himself to do it. His heart melting
for the poor girl, he drops his sack and leaps
onto the side of the bed. Their conversation is
drowned out by our Ruthie's voice-over.]
RUTHIE [VO]: He said he'd show me some pressure point
techniques and a course of exercises that he
told me would get my strength back up.
[Graham proceeds to press a few points on the
younger Ruthie's body [they're about the same
size]. Mix to:]
3. HOSPITAL ROOM.
[Ruthie and Graham [evidently a different day]
are here on the floor. Ruthie is now freed from
her tubes, and she is following Graham's
movements through a series of exercises.]
RUTHIE [VO]: What he was doing was modifying my metabolism to
make me stronger. He told me that it was a
process from the Rejinra school of martial arts.
It was probably easier because I was so young.
Being so young, of course, I didn't realise
exactly how much he'd done until one
day...almost a year after I'd first met him...
4. CORRIDOR IN HOSPITAL.
[CAPTION: Kyoto, Japan - Tuesday 4 May 1971 ]
[The younger Ruthie is standing here. She turns
at a sound, and we see that Graham is doing his
usual get-chased-by-a-big-crowd-of-women-because-
he's-stolen-their-knickers trick. He manages to
keep ahead until he catches up to Ruthie.]
GRAHAM: Ima, Ruthie-chan! Do that move I've been showing
you!
[Ruthie opens her hand to reveal a five-yen
piece. She draws a ring in the air in the
familiar manner.]
YOUNG RUTHIE:Ha...aa...ha...happo go-en satsu!
[Once the ring is drawn, of course, she holds
the coins before her, and there is a great wave
of energy sucked through the hole in the coin.
Graham watches, not entirely sure of what's
going to happen. He's on target, though - the
women collapse in a crumpled heap, and there is
a slight change in Ruthie. Only slight at this
stage, though - her hair becomes a mite longer,
and she gains a centimetre or two of height.]
GRAHAM: Banzai! That's my girl!!
5. BACKSTAGE.
[Graham running away with a haul, Ruthie behind
him, having just done her thing.]
RUTHIE [VO]: For months he had me doing his dirty work for
him. I didn't really understand at first, but
soon I found out about what a bad man he was.
6. RUTHIE'S CHILDHOOD BEDROOM.
[Ruthie is sitting on her bed, reading a book.
Her eyes widen as she reads.]
RUTHIE [VO]: He was using me, and the talents he'd trained me
for. I read that the technique I could do wasn't
especially so he could take ladies' underthings.
SUZY [VO]: My, my...and that must have come as a big black
shock for you.
RUTHIE [VO]: He might have become a master at it, but he'd
corrupted the whole system of martial arts that
we're all in. He'd even changed the name to make
it a joke.
7. DR CALLUM'S OFFICE.
[1995 again.]
SUZY: Jodan?
[Ratbat thinks about it.]
RATBAT: Spell it backwards.
SUZY: Re...ji...n...ra...
[As she spells it out, letters appear above her
head:]
qL=un
[As she spells it back, the letters move around
and swap positions until they are backwards:]
nuL=q
SUZY: Ra...n...ji...re. Ranjire. [Realises] Lingerie?!
[The word above her head crashes down on it.]
NIKI: God, that's terrible!
RUTHIE: See what I mean?
8. DEAD END STREET.
[Graham is running down it, being chased again.
He has his bag, and is munching on a stolen
drumstick.]
RUTHIE [VO]: I decided I'd done enough bad things to pay off
my debt, and that I didn't need to help him any
more!
[CAPTION: Kyoto, Japan - Wednesday 14 July 1971
]
[Graham runs up behind Ruthie.]
GRAHAM: Now, Ruthie, my seito! Stop them! Stop them in
their tracks!
[The young Ruthie gets a coin out of her pocket,
and flips it. We track it as it spins up. By the
time it comes down, there is no Ruthie there to
catch it. Graham, who was following the coin,
realises this.]
GRAHAM: Nani?! Ruthie! Where are you?!
[We see Ruthie running off into the distance.]
GRAHAM: Aggh!
[Just as the women reach Graham, he cries out.]
GRAHAM: I'll make pay for back-stabbing me, Hinomiya
Ruthie! Just you wait! Uragirimono!
[End flashback.]
9. DR CALLUM'S OFFICE.
RUTHIE: Then I never saw him before today. I guess he
must be preeeetty mad.
[Ratbat and Suzy nod. Niki is at the door, and
peeps through into the reception.]
10. DR CALLUM'S RECEPTION.
[Fiona enters. All the waiting patients rapidly
exit.]
FIONA: Toboki-sensei?
[He turns to face her, and immediately gets the
foggy glasses and the abject babbling.]
CALLUM: Ah! Fiona! I'm sorry! I must be standing in your
living room! Who am I?
FIONA: I heard that Ratbat and my sisters were here.
CALLUM: Monday, we'll be back every weeknight at the new
time of seven PM...
11. DR CALLUM'S OFFICE.
[Niki sighs and closes the door. Ruthie-sensei
experimentally opens and closes her hand.]
RUTHIE: Hey, I can move again...
NIKI: Then keep it up until we're right outside.
Fiona's just got here, so unless we want him to
pressure-point paralyse us by accident or
something...
[Pause. Ratbat looks to the side of the room,
then back at Suzy.]
RATBAT: Mado?
[Suzy nods.]
SUZY: The window.
[With veteran practice, Suzy and Niki open the
window and lead Ratbat and Ruthie-sensei through
it. Dissolve.]
12. PATH.
[Mix in on a raining sky. Go down. Kunou Jarrah,
Gosunkugi Sam and Hodjsuke Tim are here.]
JARRAH: Surely Sigmatome cannot defeat another attempt
to free ponīteru no onna from his mystic
clutches. Whatever form of demonic mind control
he has exercised over one or the fairest faces
in all Japan, the force of an honourable magic,
coupled with that of romance, shall give her
liberty and send her rushing to my arms!
[Gosunkugi sighs. Just for the record, young Sam
can't do real magic for bollocks. He's more like
an overzealous college student who buys one
pentagram and decides that they're therefore a
full-blooded Satanist. As the rain starts to
fade, Tim looks down the path.]
TIM: Kunou-sama...sangurasu no bijo wa kimasu!
JARRAH: Please, Timothy, try to contain thyself.
[He turns, as if completely by chance.]
JARRAH: Ah! I see that the bat-featured Venus
approaches. And with Tendo Suzy, no less! [Pause
- deadpan] Oh. And her sister. Quickly, my
fellows - conceal thyselves!
[Somehow they manage to duck out of view behind
a post-box.]
GOSUNKUGI: OK...I think I've got a kangae...I'll try some
counter-hypnosis.
JARRAH: Godspeed, Gosunkugi-kun. May you be as
successful in your feat as I am in...
[He's left.]
TIM: I'm still listening, sir.
JARRAH: Oh, you're not important.
[On the path, we see Suzy, Ratbat and Niki
approaching. Niki has her calculator out and is
walking slightly ahead. Behind, Ratbat and Suzy
are giving each other looks as they walk side by
side. Every time their eyes meet, they snap
away. Slowly, independently, both of them start
to reach a hand out towards the other. They are
just that far away from actually
touching/holding hands when...]
NIKI: What d'you think the chances are that Graham'll
total Ruthie-sensei when he catches up to her?
[Ratbat and Suzy are snapped back to reality.]
SUZY: Dooshite?
NIKI: Why do you think? It's kane time. I'm going to
run a book on it.
RATBAT: What? You saw what 'e was ready to do to 'er
last time! The woman might die and you're on a
nice little earner, are ye?
NIKI: Hey. The old perv might knock her off. How
terrible. How sad. But, if it's inevitable, then
it's a part of life. And so's money.
SUZY: You can be really heartless sometimes.
NIKI: I don't see it as heartless... I just see it
as...cardiovascularly-impaired.
[We see Ratbat sigh, then we see her leap back
in abject surprise as Gosunkugi is suddenly
before her. He is dangling a shiny gold bauble
on a chain in front of her face.]
RATBAT: Oh, eh up, Gossers.
GOSUNKUGI: Onna!
RATBAT: Ne?
[He starts swinging the bauble back and forth
before Ratbat's face.]
GOSUNKUGI: Ponīteru no onna...watch the pendant...watch it
swing, back and forth...you are falling into a
trance...a deep, deep trance...
RATBAT: You what?
[Gosunkugi is now just standing there, his eyes
following the motion of the pendant.]
GOSUNKUGI: Deep...deep...deep...trance...
[Ratbat waves her hand in front of his face.
Nothing.]
RATBAT: Baka.
[She shakes her head, and the three of them move
on. We go out on Gosunkugi, deep in his own
trance.]
13. FIONA'S BEDROOM.
[We open on the floor - it seems Fiona sleeps on
a Western-style bed. The covers [which reach to
the floor] lift slightly, and we see the face of
none other than Graham. He snickers, then
reconceals himself. After a moment, Fiona
enters. She gets out a set of clothes from the
closet, then starts to remove the ones she is
currently wearing. Silently, Graham sneaks out
from beneath the bed, and stands behind her,
watching. He ends up standing on the discarded
shirt, and when she removes her skirt, she drops
it in a manner that means it lands on him,
covering him completely. She walks out of shot
for a few moments, then returns wearing the new
set of clothes. She drop a couple of other items
of clothing and undermentionables onto the small
pile that contains Graham, then scoops up the
whole lot.]
[We see a bizarre view of Graham's puzzled face
within the clothing.]
14. LAUNDRY.
[Fiona opens the washing machine, drops the
bundle of clothing in, and turns it on. As she
leaves the laundry, we hear:]
GRAHAM [OOV, underwater]:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!
15. LIVING ROOM.
[Fiona enters, and sits in as the others are
talking.]
NIKI: ...ja, you can kind of understand it. I mean,
she did betray him.
SUZY: True, this is a seito betraying a sensei here.
BOBBI: Ne, there's nothing wrong with that!
LEN: Aye, it should happen more often!
BOBBI: Don't say things like that! Otherwise Pac-Man
will come out of the TV and eat you!
[Everyone looks at her a moment.]
LEN: Ne, Tendo-kun, have you been drinking before
breakfast again?
BOBBI: Iie.
LEN: What?! Well get started on that, then.
[He passes her a glass of Scotch.]
RATBAT: I still dinna get this much: 'ow come he wants
to rend Ruthie-sensei atom from atom for what
she done, but after you guys locked 'im in a
cave for thirteen years, he forgives ye just
like that?
[Snaps his fingers.]
BOBBI: Oh, you know...shutting someone into a cave
isn't much, really...
[Graham appears in the room, soaking wet, suds
coming off him, and with an equally drenched
pair of panties on his head. He looks cross. He
flips the panties aside.]
GRAHAM: Hinomiya betrayed me not only after I'd saved
her life, but she also indirectly did it with
the abilities I gave her. Look what I gave her,
and look what she did to me! In fact, I--urk!
[This last noise because Suzy has suddenly
picked him up and is holding him against the
wall by his throat.]
SUZY: She also told us what you did to her! About how
those abilities were only ever used on your
thefts and panty raids! About how you made our
martial arts school a joke by changing the name
to the backwards spelling of underwear!
[In the background, Bobbi hurriedly writes
something down, then we see her reading
backwards. She slaps her forehead and falls
over.]
GRAHAM: You mean someone finally spotted that? Hm.
LEN: You mean, all this time, we've been doing
knickers fighting?
16. LEN'S IMAGINARY DOCK.
[A wharf in Len's imagination. He imagines
himself standing there, then suddenly a crowd of
ninja leaps out start coming for him. Quick as a
flash, he pulls bras out of his pocket and
starts whirling them like nunchakus. He manages
to take most of them down, except for their
leader, who approaches menacingly. Len discards
the bras.]
LEN: Sigmatome shi no pantī!
[He flicks his wrist, and panties come spinning
out like shuriken. They hit around the wrists
and ankles of the ninja, pinning him to a wall.
Len looks satisfied. End dream sequence.]
17. LIVING ROOM.
GRAHAM: Anyway, I don't care what she says - I don't
like being used the way Ruthie used me. And
there's nothing you can do to stop me sucking
the life right out of her!
[He shows small signs of the battle dedication
trick he was doing at the end of last episode. A
slight black glow is faintly visible, and his
eyes narrow.]
SUZY: Oh, really...?
[She motions that Ratbat should take over the
teacher's-throat-holding. He does so, then Suzy
starts provocatively fiddling with the bottom of
her T-shirt, as if she intends to take it off.]
FIONA [Shocked]: Suzy...!
SUZY: Sorry, oneechan, but it's in a good cause...
[Graham loses any interest in battle.]
GRAHAM: Of course...[ahem]...
18. SUZY & RATBAT'S CLASSROOM.
[The next day. Students are filing out. Ruthie-
sensei [child] is picking up her things to
leave, when Ratbat-kun and Suzy arrive at her
desk. Suzy holds a letter out to her. Ruthie
takes it and reads it.]
GRAHAM [VO]: ...we could always reach some kind of
compromise...
RUTHIE: Chosen?
SUZY: Hai...a formal challenge is as far as we could
get him down.
RATBAT: It's still better than when 'e was going to just
out-and-out attack ye, mind you. [To Suzy] I
still canna believe ye did that...
SUZY: I just used whatever tools there were to hand! I
was being resourceful!
[Niki is standing over in the door frame. CU on
her face.]
NIKI: Ee, but I thought you would have shown him
yours!
[Pull back to show that she has her arms folded
over her chest, shirt done all the way up to top
button, tucked right into trousers, braces over
that, etc, etc.]
RATBAT: Och, ye shouldnae leave them lying around if ye
don't want people playing with them.
SUZY: Besides, they got a good airing, so what are you
complaining about?
[Niki scowls while Ruthie reads the letter. She
doesn't look pleased.]
RUTHIE: Oooh. This could still be hard.
SUZY: Nerf?
RUTHIE: Challenge or assault, he's still a vewy nasty
and vewy powerful man. I haven't learnt very
many more moves since I left him. Only basic,
baby things.
SUZY: Very powerful? I had him up against the wall
yesterday!
[Ruthie puts her hands over her ears.]
SUZY: [Sigh] Not like that. [Winces] Oh, God, mental
picture...
[A thoughtful expression crosses Ratbat's face.
A thought bubble appears above his head, and he
remembers when Graham was starting to look
fierce yesterday.]
RATBAT: I get the kangae that how what he can or canna
do is very much dependent on what he does or
doesnae want to.
RUTHIE: Aawwwwww!!
[She starts to go into childlike crying.
Suddenly, Ratbat remembers something more.]
GRAHAM [VO, off]: And there's nothing you can do to stop me
sucking the life right out of her!
RATBAT: Sensei - itsu desuka?
RUTHIE: Hm?
RATBAT: When's the contest?
[Ruthie checks the letter.]
RUTHIE: Tomorrow! Bwaaaa....
RATBAT: Sensei...sensei...I think I might have worked
out how ye can defeat him...
RUTHIE: Hontoo?
RATBAT: Hai...come with me.
[He leads Ruthie from the classroom, talking in
a low voice. Suzy frowns.]
SUZY: Chotto hen da.
NIKI: Hmm...and not a flicker from you?
SUZY: Nani?
NIKI: Not going to follow and protect Batti's honour?
You're very open-minded, letting your dans--
your josei go off with another woman there. Not
only that, but a woman who can become an
innocent young girl, or a mature, buxom
seductress...
SUZY: Niki-chan, she's his sensei.
NIKI [Sarcasm]: Oh, well, nothing's going to happen, then!
Sexual affairs between teachers and students!
Never happen!
[Does a 'duh' face.]
SUZY: You're just bored. You're trying to make
trouble.
[Niki grabs Suzy's hand and whirls her towards
her.]
NIKI [Sexy]: Ohhh, I could make more trouble than you know
what to do with...
SUZY [Same]: Mmmm...and I can make far more than just
trouble...
[Niki leans back until Suzy is half on top of
her on the desk.]
NIKI [VO]: Sometimes I think that one of these days we'll
start doing this, and...forget to stop. [Pause]
Cool!
19. POLICE STATION.
[The inside of a London Metropolitan Police
station. There is a tallish, thin cop with
short, greasy-looking hair here.]
[CAPTION: Interlude
Sun Hill, London, UK - Tuesday 5
September 1995 ]
[Would it surprise anyone at all if our world-
wandering lost boy entered about now? Well, he
does. The cop looks up.]
COP: Can I help you, mate?
LOST BOY: Ano...Narrabundah College wa doko da?
[Realisation dawns on the cop's face.]
COP: Aahhhh...you're Japanese! Fascinating culture,
the Japanese. Did you know that it's a complete
myth that all raw fish is automatically sushi?
Many people think that. Oh, of course, I don't
need to tell you that, you're from the place! Is
it true that they teach ninjitsu to primary
school kids?
[Recognising a word, the lost boy tries to
interject, but the guy keeps at it.]
COP: I mean, I can see the principle - it sounds like
a good idea, but if I had kids, I'm not sure I'd
want them to be learning something like that.
But then, I guess if I had kids I wouldn't be
raising them in Japan. I mean, no offence, it's
just that it'd be a long way to come to work,
y'know what I'm saying? [Laugh] Seriously
though, I guess it's different over there.
[The lost boy shakes his head and leaves, and
the cop just keeps on going.]
COP: Maybe they've got compulsory ninjitsu to get
into university. I dunno, maybe that is a good
idea after all. Mind you, Japanese university
would be a lot harder than an English one. All
in Japanese, you see...
[Go out on his droning.]
20. QUAD.
[A small crowd of students has gathered. Niki
has a small table set up by one of the quad
entrances, and is standing by it, wearing a loud
stripey jacket and a top hat, as if calling a
sideshow attraction, over her normal clothes.]
NIKI [Calls]:Come on, everybody! Buy your tickets now, for
this college's first staff-based martial arts
contest this year! See the new kid on the block,
Hinomiya Ruthie, go up against her own one-time
sensei, Happousai Graham! „600 a ticket, „500
for anyone with Tendo Special Discount Scheme
membership!
[Cut to Ruthie, Ratbat-kun and Suzy over on one
side of the quad.]
RUTHIE: Why is your sister doing that, Tendo-san?
SUZY: Well, we wouldn't let her run a betting book,
and...well...it's just what she does.
NIKI [Off]: Order here for your commemorative T-shirts!
[Graham comes up to the group. He and Ruthie
shoot eyes at each other.]
RUTHIE: What do you want?! We haven't started yet!
GRAHAM: I know that! I just wanted to shake you by the
hand...
[He does so.]
GRAHAM: ...may the best fighter win!
[He withdraws his hand, and Ruthie notices
something.]
RUTHIE: Oi!
[He holds up evidence of the fact that he has
managed to palm her bra. [Now, there's a trick.]
[For that matter, why does Ruthie need one in
this shape?] He chuckles and runs off.]
RUTHIE: Deviant!
RATBAT: Now, sensei...do ye think ye can do the thing?
The one like I said yesterday?
RUTHIE: I can try!
[Find Gosunkugi amongst the crowd. He is holding
a flask.]
GOSUNKUGI [VO]: I can only think of one more think to break
this hold Ratbat must have over the redhead. If
I douse him with this holy water...all his
demonic spells must be broken!
[He pushes forward through the crowd to our
heroes. Ratbat notices him.]
RATBAT: Hi, Sam.
GOSUNKUGI: Repent!
[He throws the water all over Ratbat and...well,
you know the drill by now. Gosunkugi stands
staring for a moment.]
RATBAT: What d'ye just do that for?
GOSUNKUGI: Ratbat...?
RATBAT: Aye?
GOSUNKUGI: But...you're him...and...she's her who's him...
SUZY: Ee, it's something like that.
GOSUNKUGI: Gah...
[The candle on his head snuffs itself out, and
he faints.]
RATBAT: Oh, dear. Transphobic.
[There is the sound of loudhailer beep. All eyes
turn to the top of the quad, where we see that
Sayuri Kim is the one with said device.]
SAYURI [Loudhailer]: OK, everyone. We're all gathered here
today to watch one of our teachers get the crap
beaten out of her by one of her teachers!
NIKI: I think someone needs some assistance with their
promotional skills.
[Sound effect of a cash register.]
NIKI: Another enrolment for the Tendo Niki School of
Business!
SAYURI [Loudhailer]: Anyway - let's just get down to it!
Senseis, are you ready? [Doesn't pause]
San...ni...ichi...go!
[She raises her hand and drops and handkerchief.
Before it falls, however, she grabs it out of
the air and blows her nose on it. Ruthie and
Graham are facing each other off.]
RUTHIE: You don't scare me any more! You nothing but a
naughty, filthy old man! You need to be taught
some manners!
GRAHAM: I'll show you who's filthy, Hinomiya! I'll make
you regret you ever even thought about turning
against me.
[He is getting ready to do his energy-directing
schtick again. He starts to growl. Ruthie draws
the ring in the air. His growl becomes more like
a roar. His muscles ripple and flex, his hair
flicks free, his eyes burn with battle energy,
his whole body tenses and he starts to glow
black.]
RUTHIE: Happo go-en satsu!
[He growls and leaps for her, then realises
something. The usual light show associated with
Ruthie's abilities plays all around him. He
struggles against it, and has to stop himself
short, landing a couple of metres before his
target. He is in his normal, non-battle state.]
GRAHAM [VO]: She's getting better at that...it's just a good
thing I've got the willpower to resist the go-en
satsu. Otherwise...
[He sees something.]
GRAHAM: Oh, chikusho...
[What he sees is: Ruth, in an even tougher-
looking version of her sexy adult form. She has
huge muscles, wild hair, burning eyes, and is
emitting a bestial sound - basically all the
changes Graham puts himself through to go into
battle.]
GRAHAM: Ah-ha...ha-ha...ah. Um...that's...really good,
Ruthie.... Hey, let's stop this whole
'challenge' joke right now, huh? Uh-huh? Big
joke. Really funny.
[Ruthie raises a fist and [literally] pounds him
into the ground.]
RUTH: Very well, old man...
[Another pound.]
RUTH: ...I claim my victory, and accept this pax
between us.
[She turns from the hole she has pounded him
into, and we see a bruised middle finger rise up
from it. Soon it is followed by Graham's whole
body.]
GRAHAM: Don't think you've seen the last of me, though!
Oh no! Nothing can divert the path of a true
master of Rejinra...
[He gets distracted as he sees something.]
GRAHAM: Hey, are V-necks back in?
[With a sudden renewal of energy, he bounces
away to the car park, giggling. Elsewhere in the
quad, Gosunkugi approaches Jarrah.]
GOSUNKUGI: Gomen, Kunou-sempai...but ponīteru no onna can't
be freed from Ratbat, because--
JARRAH: I understand. Because that face of botulism
Sigmatome has twisted her mind so much that even
the great sorcery employed by myself cannot free
her. Very well, then. I shall abandon the course
of magic, and follow another path...that of true
love.
[Runs a hand through his hair and stands real
noble. Gosunkugi gets bored and walks away. Back
at Ruth, the younger Tendo sisters and Ratbat.]
RATBAT: Not bad, ne? Simple enough - Happi Gra-Gra's
playin' around with his chi...and that's just
the sort of thing you suck out.
[Suzy and Niki give little golf-claps.]
RUTH: Hai...hai, it looks like the idea worked. Here.
[She suddenly has three detention slips in her
hand.]
NIKI: Nani? After all we've done?!
RUTH: You mean fighting on school time, causing a
disruption, encouraging violence in the quad,
fund-raising without approval--
SUZY: But if it wasn't for us, you would have--
[Niki grabs her shoulders, trying to calm her
down.]
NIKI: Eeto, Suzy-chan, this is true...
[They look over Ruth's still-super-enlarged
form.]
NIKI: But are you going to argue with that...?
END CREDITS.
[With Platonic Tsuranuite.]
Tendo Suzy
SUZY STYLES
Sigmatome Ratbat
URAC SIGMA
Tendo Niki
NIKI O'BRIEN
Tendo Bobbi
ROBYN SCHOLES
Happousai Graham
GRAHAM HENSTOCK
Ruthie-sensei
RUTH CRABB
JARRAH JOB
Gosunkugi Sam
SAM SMITH
Hodjsuke Timothy
TIM HODGE
Toboki Callum
CALLUM BOWEN
Lost Boy
EUAN BOWEN
PC Reg Hollis
JEFF STEWART
written by
URAC SIGMA
additional material
SUZY STYLES
creation and development
URAC SIGMA
SUZY STYLES
EUAN BOWEN
LEILA FETTER
with apologies to
TAKAHASHI RUMIKO
(amongst others)
© Recycadelic Cacti MCMXCVI