NARRABUNDAH 1/2
by Urac Sigma
Volume I, chapter seven
Abunai! Usui Kori!
CAST OF CHARACTERS
SIGMATOME RATBAT
Sixteen
TENDO SUZY
Sixteen
SIGMATOME LEN
Fifty-one
TENDO BOBBI
Forty-three
TENDO NIKI
Seventeen
TENDO FIONA
Nineteen
KUNOU JARRAH
Seventeen
SANZENIN CHRIS
SHIRATORI NOOMY
Trouble on blades
HINOMIYA RUTHIE-SENSEI
Thirty-one
HODJSUKE TIM
Twenty-seven
GOSUNKUGI SAM
Sixteen
SAYURI KIM
Sixteen
A
HENTAI
Three
SCHOOLGIRLS
and the
LOST BOY
TITLE SEQUENCE.
[With the other version of Jajauma ni Sasenai
de. The sequence has changed slightly: now
Ratbat is in girl form when she and Suzy go back-
to-back at the end. Of course, we have the art
card matching the voice-over.]
SUZY [VO]: Abunai! Usui Kori!
1. PARK.
[CAPTION: Neribanda, Tokyo, Japan - Tuesday 29
August 1995 ]
[Would you believe it? The Tendos and the
Sigmatomes are having something approximating a
nice, normal family picnic. Well, true, the kids
probably should be at school, but Glenda only
knows what Narrabundah College lets them get
away with, even in Japan. Oh, yeah - and there
usually isn't a huge panda sitting with the
family. Bobbi [wearing a purple dress] and Len
have already started on the food, despite the
fact Fiona [in a pink floral-pattern kimono with
her hair all done up traditional-Japanese]
hasn't finished getting it out yet. Niki [in
black cutoff overalls with a yen-sign on the
bib] appears to be trying to teach poker to
Ratbat-chan [with her multi-badged jacket over
an erratic, partly-Chinese outfit] - and from
the pile of chips before her on the blanket, it
would appear that either Ratbat doesn't learn
very well, or she's been taught by someone who
knows how to give herself the advantage. Hmmmm.
Suzy [with her buns out (the ones in her
*hair*...), wearing black jeans, her dog collar,
a white Maison Ikkoku T-shirt, a black double-
breasted jacket with the sleeves rolled up and
Sailor Moon/Mars earrings] sits a small distance
away, on top of some play equipment. She is
looking at Ratbat, and deep in thought.]
[I don't know why I suddenly decided to describe
the clothes again.]
SUZY [VO]: Now that I look at her properly I can see
it...she seems to move a lot more freely and
naturally when she's a girl. It's like in the
three months since she fell in the spring - and
the actual one month or so she's spent in total
in her new form - she's become more comfortable
than she ever was for the previous sixteen
years. [Pause, becomes a bit less introspective]
Though if that's the case, I don't know why she
doesn't just stay in her 'cursed'
form...probably something to do with Len...or
maybe some honour shit or another. [Sigh] I
wouldn't know - I'm just another girl in an
arranged lesbian marriage over a martial-arts
training hall.
[Back to the others. Niki pulls in all of
Ratbat's chips.]
NIKI: Really, Ratbat...it's a good thing we're not
playing for real, otherwise by now you'd be
�700000 in debt, stark naked and owing me four
months of personal slavedom.
RATBAT: Chikusho. There's one thing I still dinna get -
'ow come you're allowed to palm cards and deal
off the bottom and stuff, and I'm not?
NIKI [Caught out]:Ummm...'cos I've got black hair.
FIONA: Now...who would like some of this chicken?
[Bobbi and Len immediately have plates in their
hands [or paws]. Fiona does her polite little
laugh and starts loading up their plates. Len
frees a paw to hold up a sign saying 'Thank
you'.]
FIONA: Do itashimashite, Sigmatome-san.
BOBBI: Isn't this nice, Len? Our two families are
finally together...our children are getting
along...it's a nice day, and...[realises
something]...you're sliding backwards over the
grass.
[Len looks up from eating and realises this. He
is in fact being pulled backwards.]
LEN: Brurh?
LITTLE GIRL'S VOICE: Nnk...Paulette!
LEN: Mrowf!
[He turns, and everyone else looks behind him.
We see that there is a small girl there,
slightly older than Niki, with black hair in a
cutesy hairstyle, a pastel-pink dress, and
exquisitely-painted fingernails. She is trying
to steal Len.]
GIRL: Nhhh...Paulette!
LEN: Grrr...
[He starts to look pissed off, at which point
Niki has the presence of mind to upend a kettle
on him, triggering the change. The sudden change
in mass dislodges the girl and she falls to the
ground.]
BOBBI: What on Earth is going on?
[A male of equal age to her steps up behind the
girl. Overdone light brown hair, expensive
clothes and a white scarf.]
BOY: I'm most terribly sorry about my partner's
behaviour.
[Behind him, the girl rises up and starts
looking about for the suddenly-disappeared
panda.]
FIONA: That's perfectly all right. Would you like some
chicken?
[Bobbi face-faults. The boy looks slightly
confused. The girl starts getting excited.]
GIRL: Paulette?
BOY: Watashi wa Sanzenin Chris desu. This is my
partner...
[He tries to gesture towards her, but she keeps
moving.]
CHRIS: ...Shiratori Noomy.
NOOMY: Paulette!!
[She is getting quite frantic.]
NIKI: 'Partner'? Partner in what?
[Noomy is nigh on super-deformed, running all
over the place looking for her Paulette.]
NOOMY: Paulette! Paulette!!!!!!
CHRIS: Noomy and I are the Golden Pair--
[Niki turns to Suzy.]
NIKI: Isn't that what we--
SUZY: That's Dirty Pair.
CHRIS: --we're performance skaters.
[The insane Noomy looks into the picnic basket.]
NOOMY: Paulette? Doko da?
CHRIS [Low]: I'm really sorry about her...she likes
to...adopt things she thinks are cute, giving
them French names.
FIONA: Oh, that's all right. It happens to all of us
from time to time.
RATBAT [VO]: Gurl, sometimes she is just too polite...
CHRIS: Anyway...we're sorry to have bothered you, and
shall cause no further trouble.
[He lightly bops on the head Noomy, who was on
the verge of checking up Bobbi's dress for any
pandas. She straightens up.]
NOOMY: Hey! Don't hit Noomy!
CHRIS: Come on, we're going!
[They skate off, Chris on rollerblades, Noomy on
normal roller-skates. Dissolve to:]
2. NERIBANDA STREET.
[The Tendo-Sigmatome six are walking home.
Ratbat and Suzy are side-by-side but one person-
width apart when Niki comes up between them to
lean on one shoulder apiece.]
NIKI: Ano - have you guys set a date for your kekkon
no hi yet?
SUZY & RATBAT: No.
NIKI: Because, you know, if you did, we could stand to
make a bit of kane together.
SUZY: I should've guessed. Niki's religion. Aa! Okane-
sama!
NIKI [Ignoring her]: What I could do, you see, is I could
run a book on what date you were going to
eventually settle on, and you guys could tell me
in advance what date you were going to pick,
then I'd fix the odds so that everyone would bet
on a different date...we could clean up!
[Suzy at first looks vaguely interested, then
realises what the subject matter is.]
SUZY: Niki - what have I told you? We're not getting
married, there's not going to be a wedding, and
besides, we haven't set a date yet!
[Neither Ratbat nor Suzy notice this 'slip-up'.
Niki does.]
NIKI: Oh...whatever you say, guys...
[Steps back with a self-satisfied smirk. As the
party continues down the street, they
[unknowingly] go past Chris and Noomy at an ice-
cream stand. Noomy turns in time to see them go
off, and her eye just catches the glint coming
from the sun shining off Suzy's dog-collar. A
stupidly cute look hits her eyes. Fade out.]
3. BEFORE NARRABUNDAH COLLEGE.
[Deserted. Cut to show Suzy and Ratbat-kun
leaping in, full silly martial-arts poses with
the lovely background graphics it induces. They
hit the ground, then remember.]
SUZY: Ah, fuck...I never thought I'd miss that crap!
[She mallets an unexpecting Ratbat.]
RATBAT: Oi! Nan da?!
SUZY: Excess energy.
[Niki catches them up.]
NIKI: Actually...it doesn't look like anyone's here at
all.
RATBAT: Not even His Sempainess.
SUZY: Chotto hen.
[Looking about themselves, the continue into the
college itself, into the...]
4. QUAD.
[This goes some way towards explaining the
absence of people from the front of the college.
There's a huge crowd gathered, looking at
something in the centre. We see Ruthie-sensei in
front of the crowd, bouncing up and down in
childish excitement at whatever it is she can
see.]
RUTHIE: Wooowwww- that's great!!
[Ratbat and Suzy look up and see. Noomy and
Chris are here, doing an elaborate skating
routine, and impressing everyone. They're
actually quite good, as it happens. There they
go, leaping and spinning about.]
NIKI: That's the guys we saw in the park.
[Duh.]
SUZY: Ja...what are they doing here?
[One of the other students replies.]
SAYURI: They're performance skaters, passing through
Neribanda for some tournament or another. They
say they saw the college, and she decided to
come in and give us a quick display.
[CU on Chris, in the middle, balancing Noomy on
his nose while doing a 8 or something.]
CHRIS [VO]: Bloody Noomy - why'd she have to decided that
dog was her Yvette and then chase it in here?
[Back to our heroes. Suddenly Ruthie reaches
into her pocket and gets out some coins. All the
students present run for their life towards
classrooms. Ruthie looks up.]
RUTHIE: Does anybody have change for the-- [She
realises] --oh.
[She gives solitary childish applause and
cheering as The Golden Pair finish their act,
then skips off inside.]
5. WIND TUNNEL.
[Well, not an actual wind tunnel, obviously. No,
the Narrabundah College, just like the Core one,
has that big, long, slightly sloped corridor off
which most of the educational blocks branch.
Kunou Jarrah is here at the top of the corridor,
trying to stand nobly and posture with his
rubber sword, despite the fact that his feet are
almost out of control. Yes, he too has decided
to adopt roller-skates, which Tim is now at his
feet fastening.]
TIM: Kunou-sama...
JARRAH: I give thee leave to speak.
TIM: Sono ror�suketo...are you sure they're a good
idea?
JARRAH: Timothy, while I am naturally confident in my
[almost slips over] abilities and powers, as I
would be a fool not to be, it is sometimes
necessary to demonstrate my prowess to others
around me, lest they lose faith in seeing that
their sempai might be shown up by two chinny�sha
from beyond this district.
TIM [VO]: So, you are showing off.
JARRAH: Art thou complete in thy task?
[Tim adjusts a final strap.]
TIM: Hai, sanjo, Kunou-sama.
JARRAH: Then I shall now proceed as gracefully upon
these wheels as I might on my own two feet.
[Tim gives him a light tap to send him going,
and he's off. He's barely gone two metres when
it becomes apparent that he is losing control.
He keeps trying to stick his sword into the
ground to brake, but it just bends and doesn't
hold. The few students in the place leap out of
the way. Cut to show that Suzy and Ratbat are
coming up the corridor the other way. They
notice, as does Kunou.]
JARRAH: Tendo Suzy!! I love you!
[He raises his sword.]
JARRAH: Sigmatome Ratbat! Prepare to die!
[This conflict of interests, combined with his
already bad skating, career him straight into
the end door, just as The Golden Pair enter
through the side one and look down to see him.
Amongst the aftereffect of his collision is the
loss of a water bottle held by one student, the
contents of which end up all over Ratbat.]
RATBAT: Och, domo, sempai.
[At this point, Noomy's attention is taken from
Jarrah [who now has Gosunkugi trying to draw a
chalk incantation around him, much to his
[Kunou's] chagrin], and she sees the light glint
off Suzy's dog collar.]
NOOMY: JEAN-LUC!
[She leaps forward and takes the collar from
around Suzy's neck. Suzy snaps for her fingers a
few times, but misses.]
SUZY: Hey! Dame! Dame dame!
RATBAT: Ano, how eloquent.
SUZY: Damaru. [Wounded] She took my collar.
[Ratbat now assesses this. She faces up the
corridor to where Noomy and Chris now are.]
RATBAT: Oi! Bad mans!
SUZY: Give that back!
NOOMY: No! Jean-Luc is Noomy's now!
SUZY: Jean-nani? He I-- Aghi. It is not - it's mine!
CHRIS: Oh, look, leave it, will you - she just likes to
collect things.
SUZY: No I will not leave it! If she wants inu no
kubiwa, she can beat up her own Great Dane for
it! [Under breath] Or maybe a chihuahua.
NOOMY: Hey! Noomy heard that! It wasn't nice!
SUZY: Nerf! It wasn't meant to be!
[Chris slicks his hair.]
CHRIS: Very well...I might be able to persuade Noomy to
give up her prize...if I can get a date with
your red-haired friend.
RATBAT: Dame!
SUZY: Hai!
RATBAT: Nani? Suzy no baka!
[She mallets her, leaving Suzy completely
fuddled at this role-reversal. Ratbat goes into
martial-arts mode.]
RATBAT: Chosen! We'll fight ye for it!
CHRIS: Very well! Then you shall discover The Golden
Pair's second skill - that of the martial-arts
ice-skating!
RATBAT: Aye, I know martial arts. Ye'll be wishin' yer
little tomodachi there hadn't even heard of
Suzy's neck.
[Suzy does a face: And now you're talking about
my neck?!]
NOOMY: Then Noomy and Chris will see you at the
Neribanda Rink - tomorrow at noon! No, wait - 1
o'clock!
CHRIS: One?
NOOMY: Noomy wants lunch!
[Ratbat and Chris face-fault. Suzy sighs the
sigh of one who knows the burial has gone too
far to even hope to start digging anyone out
again.]
SUZY: All right, then, Neribanda Rink, one o'clock
tomorrow.
NOOMY: Yes! And the winner gets Jean-Luc! Hahahaha!
[She skates away, pulling Chris' scarf as she
goes, forcing him to accompany her.]
CHRIS: Aghrfgs!
[Gone. Suzy turns to Ratbat.]
SUZY: We'll fight them, will we?
RATBAT: Do ye want ye collar back or no?
SUZY: That's not the point! You could have just gone
on a date with him! One date! That's all it
would have taken! Ichi!
[Holds up a finger to demonstrate her point. She
sees it, and bites for it. She succeeds, then
realises what she's done.]
SUZY: OW!
RATBAT: Ha. Anyway, it's martial arts. We're both
martial artists. Both from the Rijenra school,
no less. We can take 'em.
SUZY: Huh. [Lower voice] I think, Ratbat, that despite
what you've told me - [normal volume] there's
still a lot of otoko in you.
RATBAT: Och, and do ye no have any otoko in you?
SUZY: Ummmm...iie. [Shakes her head]
[Ratbat gets a look in her eyes that she can
only have learnt from one other person named
Tendo.]
RATBAT: Would ye like some?
[Suzy is taken right aback.]
SUZY: I think you've been hanging around Niki too
long.
RATBAT: You can tell?
SUZY: Hai. It doesn't suit you. Go back to talking
like a Japanese version of Arthur Daley with a
Scottish accent.
RATBAT: Soone... Anyway, like I said, what have we got
to worry about? We can take them out before the
first toilet break.
SUZY: Urrmm...Ratbat - do you remember what that Chris
guy said they were good at?
RATBAT: Martial arts.
SUZY: Martial arts ice-skating.
RATBAT: Oh. OK. Fine. [Pause] Just one thing.
SUZY: Hm?
RATBAT: How do you ice-skate?
[Track slightly to show that Tim heard the
entire conversation. He scoots back down the
corridor to where Jarrah is coming round.]
JARRAH [Unconscious]: Aahh...pon�teru no onna...Tendo
Suzy...you both come at once for...[wakes up]
Timothy, you heard nothing.
TIM: Truly, sir, there was none of your wisdom to
hear.
JARRAH: Very good. [Pause] Tim, your face bears the
expression of one who is standing over his
master in a college corridor with news to
deliver.
TIM: What an odd coincidence, sir, for that is
exactly what I am doing.
JARRAH: And what have you found, minion of Kunou?
[As he talks, he is trying to be strong and get
to his feet unassisted, but it doesn't work, as
Tim keeps standing on bits he's trying to use.]
TIM: I just overheard Tendo Suzy talking to sangurasu
no bijo.
[Jarrah is instantly on his feet, sending Tim
flying.]
JARRAH: And?
TIM [OOV]: It was quite strange, sir...
[A locker opens, and Tim pops out of it.]
TIM: She used the name of Sigmatome Ratbat when
addressing her.
[Jarrah's eyes slowly glaze over.]
JARRAH: Of course...how could a wisdom as far-reaching
as my own possibly not have seen it? Even as I
hear them speak, the fair - well, the darkish -
Suzy mentions the name of my hated foe when
speaking to that picture of beauty. Forever are
they talking of bonds, and curses, and lasting
love... Timothy - I now realise. It can only be
one thing...
[Tim looks expectant.]
TIM: Hai, Kunou-sama?
JARRAH [Big proclamation]: Sigmatome Ratbat...and the
redhead... he has her under an evil hypnotic
spell!
[Tim shakes his head.]
JARRAH: That is why his name spurs her into action so,
Timothy. Ohh, fair Helen, your day has come!
Arcee amongst the Grimlocks that are common
women, you now have a saviour! I, Kunou Jarrah,
will use all the power I can muster, and I shall
save you!!
[Pause.]
JARRAH: Tim...
TIM: Hai, Kunou-sama?
JARRAH: Find a way to save her.
TIM: [Sigh] Hai, Kunou-sama.
[He shuffles off. Jarrah looks pleased with
himself, and tries to lean on his sword with
pride. Unfortunately, it bends beneath his
weight, and he goes down. Dissolve to:]
6. ICE HALL.
[Yes, well, we're all smart here, so we can
probably all guess what an ice-skating rink
looks like. Suzy, Niki and Ratbat are here.
Niki's feet are unadorned of skates. Suzy and
Ratbat-kun, however, do wear ice-skates. Ratbat
can barely walk along the outside floor towards
the rink, while Suzy struts along as if she's
been wearing skates all her life [which we'd
hope for Bobbi's sake she hasn't]. Niki takes a
seat in one of the stalls surrounding the rink.
When the others get to the rink itself, Ratbat
is a disaster. He doesn't let go of the edge of
the rink, and when he tries her nearly falls
over. Suzy, meanwhile, skates right out to the
centre. Ratbat notes this.]
RATBAT: So tell me, Suzy-kun - skatin's one of those
things you can do, ne?
NIKI: She used to come hear every weekend when she was
younger.
RATBAT: What about you?
NIKI: Ja...han...it never quite appealed to me.
SUZY: She was crap!
NIKI: Oh, thank you.
[Suzy starts lazily detailing a figure-eight.]
RATBAT: Hachi, ne? I'm impressed.
SUZY: Nani? Oh, that's just my warm-up. Watch this...
[She skates all the way to one edge of the rink,
then starts off on an erratic path. Ratbat looks
on, confused. When she's done, we see that she
has skated out her entire name in full kanji.]
RATBAT: Chikusho...you really are good.
SUZY [False modesty]: Ah...aren't I just?
[She bows.]
RATBAT: Oooh, ye can bow, an' all.
SUZY: Bowing's not hard. It's just the same as without
skates.
[Ratbat tries it, but ends up falling down out
of shot. Suzy glides over and squats to see that
the ice has triggered Ratbat's change [well, it
is water, remember].]
SUZY: Ratti-chan...I think your technique might need a
little work.
NIKI: Ee - all you've got to do is teach her pushing
herself along, balance, turning, finesse,
stopping and motion control - all in the four
hours or so before The Golden Pair get here.
[Dissolve on Suzy helping Ratbat to her feet.]
7. ROAD AROUND HILL.
[In a city whose suburban district appears to
crawl up a hill.]
[CAPTION: Interlude:
Graviton City, Japan - Thursday
31 August 1995 ]
[Enter - and you've all been waiting for this -
the Lost Boy! Could it be that seeing as he's
been in Japan for a while that he could be
getting closer? Doubt it. He approaches a creepy
pale-blue-haired schoolgirl in a brown uniform,
sitting on a large rock.]
LOST BOY: Sumimasen...
BLUE [Contempt]: Hai.
LOST BOY: Is this...the Neribanda district?
BLUE: No it isn't.
[She fumes slightly and moves off.]
LOST BOY: Eeto...suman. [Gets quite angry] Aarggh!!! I've
never going to find it at this rate!!
[He punches the rock in anger. It must be some
considerable strength, not to mention anger he's
got there, as the rock actually cracks, even
though he also appears to hurt his hand
slightly.]
LOST BOY: Kuso!
[He goes away. The rock, however, continues to
crack, eventually splitting right down the
middle and falling away, revealing a cave behind
it.]
MALE VOICE: I'm free! Free at last!
[A figure walks out of the cave. A little man
[positively dwarf-sized], dressed in black and
maroon, with long red and grey hair, glasses and
a goatee beard.]
HIM: Ten years I've been trapped! But now, some force
has freed me! I must make my way to Tendo no
Dojo, and settle score with my once captors!
[Laughs]
[He hears something and looks down the street.
Two schoolgirls shoot by him, a redhead pulling
a blonde along. They are going at a very high
speed and knock him flying.]
RED: Come on, we're gonna be late!
BLONDE: EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
[They disappear, and he falls back down to the
ground, battered.]
HIM: Of course, I could just take a little rest here
first.
[Slumps down.]
HIM [Self]: Mmmmm...pretty ladies...
8. ICE HALL.
[The place has a lot more people in it now, all
gathered to watch the match. The Golden Pair
stand opposite Suzy and Ratbat-chan, the two
teams facing each other off. Find Len and Bobbi
amongst the watchers.]
LEN: What's the matter with him? Why's he fighting a
girl? He's gonna ruin his chances at everything
if he keeps doing that.
BOBBI: Of course, you're hardly ever in your panda
form.
LEN [Caught out]: Uhh...no! Only when it's strictly
necessary!
BOBBI [Under breath]: I doubt that.
[Len, however, hears it.]
LEN: Well, it's bullshit.
[Now show an announcer's podium on which Fiona
stands, holding a microphone and the dog collar.
Niki approaches and tugs her dress.]
NIKI: Oneechan?
FIONA: Hai, Niki-chan?
NIKI: Why are you being master of ceremonies?
FIONA: I always find it's nice to help people out,
don't you?
NIKI: Uhhh...Hai.
[Niki goes back to the parents.]
NIKI [VO]: That's it, she's gone.
[On the competitors.]
CHRIS: Save yourself the pain, Tendo, Sigmatome -
surrender now!
NOOMY: And let Noomy have Jean-Luc!
SUZY: In order - no, and no.
[Fiona taps the mike to gain attention.]
FIONA: Sumimasen...sumimasen...
[The gathered people fall quiet.]
FIONA: Konnichiwa, mina-san, and welcome to the Jean-
Luc challenge. The teams you see there before
you: The Golden Pair, Sanzenin Chris and
Shiratori Noomy...
[Slight cheering. The Golden Pair revel in it.]
FIONA: ...versus Tendo Suzy and Sigmatome Ratbat.
[Show them. Ratbat slips over, splattering ice
around as her blade digs into the rink.]
NIKI, LEN, BOBBI: Ra.
[They realise they're the only ones doing it. We
see Kunou in the crowd.]
JARRAH [VO]: Even now - is it possible that Sigmatome has
slapped his foul label on sangurasu no bijo and
is cruelly deciding her actions as I speak?
[Pause] Oh, chotto mate...I'm not speaking, I'm
thinking.
FIONA: The prize is this dog collar [holds it up], an
accessory of Suzy's that Noomy claims is her own
pet Jean-Luc. The first team to remove both of
the opposing team from the rink, or achieve a
technical knock-out on them, is the winner. All
forms of combat and martial arts are permitted,
short of weapons, but do try to be fair and play
nicely.
[The competitors face-fault.]
FIONA: I now declare this contest started!
[The two teams stare each other down for a few
seconds more, then...]
CHRIS: Go, Noomy!
[They launch at them.]
RATBAT: Sigmatome seiki-o-tsubusu!
SUZY: Tendo hayai kogeki!
[They leap into the fray. However, Noomy has
been moving such that Ratbat has completely
misjudged her height [or lack thereof], and he
goes wild - her inability to cope with ice not
helping her much. As she slides along, Noomy
leaps on her back and rides her like a horse,
keeping her hands over her eyes.]
NOOMY: Noomy will win!
[Suzy, meanwhile, might be good, but she lacks
the integral grace of a professional like Chris,
and is therefore utterly unprepared as he
suddenly isn't in her path any more.]
CHRIS: Tsk, tsk, little girl...we play with real rules
here in the big leagues.
[Ratbat, meanwhile, has managed to flip herself
over and remove Noomy, but now she trying to sit
on her head.]
RATBAT: Glenda...you're forward, you know that?
[Suzy is trying to plant a series of blows on
Chris. While she scarcely manages one, he takes
her to her knees.]
[And so they keep fighting, etc...I'm not going
to describe everything blow by blow because it
would take twenty pages, but it looks like our
heroes are coming off third and fourth. Soon we
get to Niki in the crowd with her black ebony
calculator.]
NIKI [VO]: It's all working out fine. Maybe I should have
asked them to throw the match early on, then I
could calculate the odds better... Nah, they
wouldn't have gone for it. They never help me
with my bets. Still, at least I've got a good
idea of who the victor might be.
[Pan[da] over to Len.]
LEN [VO]: I wonder if the snack bar's open?
[Back on Suzy and Chris, who launch themselves
into the air. In true Takahashi fashion, they're
either falling really slow or they jumped really
high, because there' dialogue going on up there.
Suzy is striking for Chris, but he is still
gracefully dodging and shifting back.]
CHRIS: Ha! Even here, above the ice, your clumsy blows
can't compete with my true style.
SUZY: Oh, Sanzenin-san...that's exactly what I'm
counting on...
[She takes a final blow, which he also flips
back from.]
CHRIS: Nan da?
[Then they come down and we see what has
happened. He dodged all right - he dodged so
well that he ended up past the edge of the rink.
He tries to make it back, but they've landed -
she on the ice, he off it. He realises.]
CHRIS: NO!!
[She looks justifiably proud. Back to Noomy and
Ratbat. Ratbat's seen better days, continually
falling and stumbling, just avoiding Noomy's
blows.]
NOOMY: You will not win! Jean-Luc belongs to Noomy!
RATBAT [VO]: Gordon Bennett...at this rate, she could be
right...unless...hmm...haaaiiii...
[She has just seen something behind Noomy. Still
down on the ground, she pushes herself between
Noomy's legs, necessitating her turning around.]
NOOMY: Hey! Come back to Noomy! Noomy must win!
[Ratbat kicks one blade into the ice at a
strange angle, flipping a chunk of it back over
head, and sailing right towards Len, who has now
managed to procure popcorn and hotdogs.]
LEN: Eh? Nagrurrmph!
[The ice splatters on him, and hey presto -
instant panda. Right in Noomy's line of sight.
She sees him.]
NOOMY: Paulette?
[She forgets Ratbat.]
NOOMY: Paulette!!
[She leaps over Ratbat, and towards her
'Paulette'. Chris realises.]
CHRIS: Noomy! Don't...!
[She leaps, then works it out. Unfortunately, by
the time she works it out, she is on that side.]
NOOMY: Uh-oh.
[She falls to the ground.]
CHRIS: Baka.
[Fiona returns to the mike.]
FIONA: Ja...it seems that Suzy and Ratbat are our
winners.
[Some applause. Suzy eagerly goes up and
reclaims Jea-- er, her collar.]
RATBAT: See? Didn't I tell ye we could take them?
SUZY: 'We'? 'We' took them? I didn't see you all over
Chris there - the difficult one.
RATBAT: And you took Noomy how much?
SUZY: Oh, come on, if your dad hadn't been there...
[And their arguing fades into the background.
Noomy is crying cartoon tears. Chris is
wondering where to look.]
NOOMY: Jean-Luc...[sniff]
[She looks up. She then sees a lone ice-skate
that someone has abandoned.]
NOOMY [Brightens]:Alice!
[She scrambles for the skate and holds it up
triumphantly.]
NOOMY: Alliice!!!!!
[She hugs it to herself and runs out the door.]
CHRIS: Uh...Noomy? Noomy!
[He runs after her.]
NOOMY [OOV, off]: Alice!
[Niki is looking at her calculator and banging
her head against the wall.]
NIKI [Self]: Couldn't you guys fuck up just once...?
[And pull back. Show Niki agonising over her
calculator, Ratbat and Suzy arguing, Len [as a
panda] still eating, and Noomy nipping back in
to show off Alice the ice-skate. Everything is
just as it should be. Fade out.]
END CREDITS.
[Requiring, of course, an alternative version of
Platonic Tsuranuite. I hadn't realised that
before.]
Sigmatome Ratbat
URAC SIGMA
Tendo Suzy
SUZY STYLES
Tendo Niki
NIKI O'BRIEN
Tendo Bobbi
ROBYN SCHOLES
Shiratori Noomy
NOOMY SCHWINGHAMER
Sanzenin Chris
CHRIS SIMPSON
Hodjsuke Timothy
TIM HODGE
Ruthie-sensei
RUTH CRABB
Lost Boy
EUAN BOWEN
Little man
GRAHAM HENSTOCK
Biko
SHINOHARA EMI
Eiko
ITO MIKI
Shiiko
TOMIZAWA MICHIE
written by
URAC SIGMA
additional material
SUZY STYLES
creation and development
URAC SIGMA
EUAN BOWEN
LEILA FETTER
SUZY STYLES
with apologies to
TAKAHASHI RUMIKO
� Recycadelic Cacti MCMXCVI