NARRABUNDAH 1/2
by Urac Sigma
Volume I, chapter six
Watashi no Dansei wa Josei da. Hai, Hontoo ni!
CAST OF CHARACTERS
SIGMATOME RATBAT
Gender chaotic
TENDO SUZY
Culinarily challenged
SIGMATOME LEN
Enthusiasm impaired
TENDO BOBBI
Reality disassociated
TENDO NIKI
Financially inclined
TENDO FIONA
Domestically enthused
KUNOU JARRAH
Romantically self-obsessed
SIGMATOME NICOLE
Flashback material
HODJSUKE TIMOTHY
Demographically disadvantaged
One of
THOSE OBNOXIOUS ALIENS
and the
LOST BOY
TITLE SEQUENCE.
[With that mysterious other version of Jajauma
ni Sasenai de, and an art card matching the
voice-over.]
SUZY [VO]: Watashi no Dansei wa Josei da. Hai, Hontoo ni!
1. BATHROOM.
[Yes. Remember this? The bathroom that started
it all. Ratbat-chan enters and disrobes. Close
in on an almost-hidden point on the far wall.
Ratbat pays it no heed, but it is clicking.]
[CAPTION: Neribanda, Japan - Saturday 26 August
1995 ]
[After the first few clicks, we see the cause.
We see the glint of a camera lens, and black
and white images of what the camera is taking
appear on the screen. Ratbat, looking probably
more sexy than she intends, in gradually
increasing states of undress.]
[As Ratbat gets into the shower and the hot
water hits her, she reverts to his male form.
Self-absorbed, he starts tunelessly singing, and
we go back to the camera once more. Show that
there is in fact a small lead going from the
camera into a hole drilled into the wall, also a
tube from the eyepiece. Follow it through the
wall somehow to:]
2. NIKI'S LAIR.
[Niki has her face right up to the wall, peering
through a small hole. A small pushbutton remote
control also leads to the wall.]
NIKI: I could always stop the hot water and change you
back, but I think I'm possibly out of film.
[She sits back on her bed and sighs.]
NIKI: But what am I gonna do with you, Ratti-kun? Or
is that Ratti-chan? I've read what you've
written. I think there's a few things you
really should tell my dear sister. And you
haven't. [Shakes her head] Someone should do
something about that, soon, or there'll be
trouble...
[Laughs.]
3. RATBAT'S DEN.
[Ratbat returns from the shower, hair wet and
not dressed properly. He goes over to the
bookshelf, and reaches for his diary.]
RATBAT [VO]: Look at the 'eck this thing. For the past year
and a half, I'd barely filled up a quarter of
the diary. I've been here two weeks and I'm down
half a book!
[Flips through the pages. He is about to write
in it when he notices something.]
RATBAT: Nan da yo?
RATBAT [VO]: What's all this black bits in the spine?
[He examines it closer.]
RATBAT [VO]: Bits of someone's nail-polish 'ave come off!
Someone's black nail-polish - and let's face it,
who around here is in the habit of wearing kuroi
nail-polish and reading other people's
diaries... Niki. Chikusho. Kuso kuso chikusho!
If she's read that, then she must know! Gordon
Bennett, she'll know all about it! Aa, Glenda-
sama... I just hope the sisters Tendo areno that
close...
[He adopts a distinctly displeased expression,
and falls back onto the bed with his arm over
his face.]
RATBAT: This is not good.
4. CORRIDOR.
[A black-nailed hand grips the doorknob and
turns it. Its owner, Niki, enters the bathroom.]
5. BATHROOM.
[Suzy is already here half-undressed in
preparation for her own shower as Niki enters.
She [Suzy] turns at the sound, yelps, and folds
her arms in an effort to cover her chest.]
SUZY: Fuck...! Niki-chan, don't you ever knock?
NIKI: Not often. I find that I miss all the best bits
if I do. Besides, what have you got that I
haven't seen?
SUZY: Gunsmith Cats.
NIKI [Thrown]: Um. Right. [Recovers, goes to the mock-
sexy] No, what I meant was...I don't think
there's anything on your body I haven't seen...
SUZY [Joins her]: Oh, I don't think your eyes are all you've
appraised that with...[giggle]
[They move closer.]
NIKI: Oh, but you know I want to do so much more than
just look...
SUZY: But what beautiful eyes you have to do it with!
Such big, round eyes... such big, round, firm,
supple, pert eyes...
[Niki comes right up and half-embraces her.]
NIKI: Do you want to see them right up close?
[By a creative movement with one arm, Suzy
manages to free the other to stroke Niki's
cheek.]
SUZY: Oh, yes...
[They are suddenly interrupted by a small noise
at the door. Looking towards it, they realise
that it's still open, and that a wide-eyed panda-
Len is standing there holding a towel. He blinks
a couple of times, then holds up a sign saying
'I'll come back later', and moves off. The
sisters separate.]
NIKI: Um...anyway, I only came in here to get
something.
SUZY: Right.
[Suzy closes the door, then continues preparing.
While her back is turned for doing these things,
Niki acts quickly. She rushes over to where her
camera is hidden, pops out the roll of film
that's in there, and loads in a new one. She
manages to finish and straighten up just as Suzy
turns back around. She is about to speak, but
Niki is too quick.]
NIKI: Suzy-chan...just how well do you know...or think
you know... Ratbat?
[Suzy grimaces.]
SUZY: OK, I guess...I mean, I've only been engaged to
him, I don't see why I should know anything
about the
guymuttergrumblefuckingmotherI'llskinheralive...
Ohh, wellish, I guess. Even with this stupid
konyaku thing, I've only known him a couple of
weeks.
[She gets that suspicious look.]
SUZY: Why do--
[But Niki's gone.]
SUZY: Nerf.
[She goes and starts her shower. Dissolve to:]
6. BOTTOM OF STAIRWELL.
[The next day. Fiona appears here.]
FIONA [Calls]: Okaasan, Sigmatome-san...ch�shoku is ready!
7. DOJO PROPER.
[Bobbi and Len are here, facing each other and
balanced on blocks in pretentious martial-arts
poses.]
BOBBI: Did she just call lunch?
LEN: Hai.
BOBBI: Then let's finish this!
LEN: Hai! Yaaaaaaa!!
BOBBI: Yaaaaaa!!
[As they make these noises, they launch towards
each other. Close up on each screaming the
battle cry as they 'fly'. Then pull back to show
that they miss each other entirely and slam into
the opposite walls.]
LEN & BOBBI: Chikusho.
[They slide to the ground.]
LEN: C'mon...let's get to lunch.
8. LIVING ROOM.
[Bobbi and Len enter to find that the kids are
already sitting around the table. And let me
tell you, the auras around Suzy, Ratbat and Niki
are sparking like nothing's ever sparked before.
CU on the piercing eyes Ratbat's shooting at
Niki and the slightly worried ones directed at
Suzy. From them to the knowledged ones that Niki
is shooting both at him and Suzy. And then the
evil suspicious ones Suzy is firing at Niki
alternating with the penetrating curiosity that
she directs at Ratbat. Go around these a bit
more, playing with split-screens and stuff, then
on the parents back by the door, looking more
than a mite nervous. Cut back to the table to
show that Fiona is blissfully unaware of any of
this, and her aura is pictured as being filled
with little flowers and cutesy things.]
FIONA: Konnichiwa...please, sit down.
[They uneasily eye the sharp-eyed minors again.]
LEN: Erm...that's all right, Fiona...we just, uh,
remembered a lunch appointment we had to make.
BOBBI: Ee. An, um, totemo important one...
BOBBI & LEN: Sumimasen.
9. OUTSIDE DOJO.
[Len and Bobbi exit Tendo Dojo, and run away,
very fast.]
10. LIVING ROOM.
[Fiona sighs happily, and shakes her head. Back
at the younger three, the triangle of evil eyes
is finally broken as Niki gets up.]
NIKI: Ja. Lovely lunch, Fiona-chan...but I've got some
business I simply have to attend to.
FIONA: Oh. All right. J� mata ne, Niki-chan.
[Ratbat watches her go.]
RATBAT [VO]: Now, where's she off to? Och, Glenda...I'm gonna
be like this all the time now. Every time Niki
moves, I'll think she's going off to say strange
things about me. Strange true things, mind you,
but...
RATBAT [Exasperation]: ...gah!
[He also gets up and leaves. Suzy looks more
bewildered than ever. Fiona looks exactly the
same as always.]
11. ACROSS FROM PARK.
[Ratbat arrives here, across the road from a
park, seeing Niki make her way into the park
opposite.]
RATBAT: Hmm. What's a nice girl like her doing in a
place like this? [Different voice] But this is a
nice place. [Own voice] Exactly.
[His expression betrays that he knows he is
going slightly insane. Once Niki has entered the
park, he goes over to the wall, and just plain
goes over it.]
12. PARK.
[Niki arrives at a fountain and sits. She
readies her bag, as if she is anticipating
getting something out of it. She impatiently
looks at her watch.]
NIKI: You'd better hurry up...there's a million better
things I could be doing...
[We see that Ratbat has concealed himself in a
nearby tree, looking down. Soon, Kunou Jarrah
arrives.]
NIKI: You're late, Kunou baby.
JARRAH: Simple measured time is as but an abstract to--
NIKI: Yeah, yeah, blow it out your ketsu. I've got
something here you might well be interested in.
[Ratbat in the tree.]
RATBAT [VO, panicked]: Nani? Och, no...she's no telling
Kunou, is she? Come on, Niki-chan, you must be--
No, no, calm yerself, Sigmatome...
[He observes what is going on. Niki is handing
Kunou some pieces of paper that we can't see
properly [although they're obviously nothing to
do with Ratbat's diary]. He breathes a sigh of
relief.]
RATBAT: Och, thank Glenda.
RATBAT [VO]: She's just selling him some...looks like photos,
come to that... Han...probably just blackmail or
summat...
[Jarrah looks at the photos, and is obviously
pleased by what he sees. Back to them.]
JARRAH: Verily, my gratitude would extend to thee, as
would my compliments on your good judgement of
my own fair character!
NIKI: Huh?
JARRAH: I like them.
NIKI: Right. Well...[cough]...they're not free, you
know...
[Jarrah plunges a hand into his pocket and hands
Niki a sum of money.]
JARRAH: Ah, mere cash is but a trifle of my wealth to
exchange for these fine items, Tendo Niki!
[She passes him over a large envelope.]
NIKI: Well, just remember - there's plenty more where
they came from.
[He leaves [dropping, unnoticed by any of them,
one of the photos]. Niki stuffs the money into
her top [which looks pretty strange in her tight
croptop, as a lot of it is coins]. Back at the
tree, Ratbat decides to reveal himself. He does
one of those spectacular anime-martial-arts
leaps out of the tree, indulging in all kinds of
flips and turns before we see that he is in a
very posed pose to land with. Unfortunately,
what he doesn't realise is that with all that
turning and flipping he's ended up upside-down,
and lands on his head.]
RATBAT: Chikusho.
[This attracts the attention of Niki, and she
turns to face him.]
NIKI: Oh. Hi, Ratbat.
[He collapses to his feet [really, it can be
done].]
RATBAT: Tell me, Niki-chan...have you been...educating
yourself recently?
NIKI: 'Educating'?
RATBAT: Say...availing yourself of the personal details
of a certain cursed chiropteran we all know and
love...?
NIKI: Hmmm... 'cursed'?
RATBAT: Cursed.
NIKI [Too innocent]: Now, what makes you think I would do a
thing like that?
RATBAT: I've known you for more than seven minutes,
maybe?
NIKI: So, I know a little more about you than most
people do. Come on, Ratti-k-- Ratti-chan, we're
pretty much family... As for telling
people...well, however you and your father
conduct your relations is your own business. And
I'd never betray a trust.
RATBAT: Oh...
NIKI: Like the one I've got to my sister. The one that
says I really should tell her if I find out
anything important about her fianc�e... Of
course, if I'm sufficiently distracted
otherwise, I might just forget to do that...
[Enigmatic, she turns on a heel.]
NIKI: J� mata.
[Gone. Ratbat glares after her.]
RATBAT [VO]: Oh aye, she knows all right. Is she serious
about telling...?
[He shakes his head. He's really not in good
frame of mind.]
RATBAT: Hope not.
[He spies the dropped photograph on the ground.]
RATBAT: Hm?
[He picks it up, and only casually glances at
it.]
RATBAT [VO]: Selling porn to Kunou? Well, I guess it's
probably better than letting him near real
women.
[He sticks the photo in his jacket pocket.]
RATBAT [VO]: Mind you, I hate to think of what might become
of any naughty pictures that Jarrah gets ahold
of.
13. FRONT ROOM, KUNOU MANOR.
[Tim is here alone. He checks to make sure that
this is so, then sneaks across to one of the
sofas and lifts one of the cushions up. Beneath
it we see a couple of blue magazines. He picks
one up, carefully replaces the cushion, then
happily starts to eat the magazine.]
14. SUZY'S ZONE.
[It's night-time, and Suzy is in bed, wearing
her Totoro pyjamas.]
SUZY [VO]: What the fuck is going on with those two? Twice
Niki probed me to find out what I knew about
Ratbat... and he's been looking at her as if she
was a spider he'd found in his underpants. What
is there I should know about? Who am I supposed
to trust here? Sigmatome, the sharp-ha hentai
who's just been kicking around the place a few
days? Or my own sister, Tendo Niki? [Scowls] Hm.
I never get the easy questions.
[She turns over and goes to sleep, a thought
bubble appearing over her head and indicating
that she is counting Mughis jumping over a fence
to do so.]
15. NIKI'S LAIR.
[Niki also is in bed, but her bedside light is
on, as she is counting the last of her money.
Her night attire consists of a black T-shirt and
boxers.]
NIKI [VO]: I really shouldn't tease Ratti like that. I've
read her diary - she really does worry about it.
[Shrugs] Ah, what the heck - it's fun. Besides,
she'll soon work out that I'm not quite as much
of a blackmailer as I'm made out to be. [Pause]
Fairly close, though, mind you.
[Continues counting.]
16. RATBAT'S DEN.
[Ratbat-chan, in her Chinese pyjamas, in bed,
but staring blankly at the ceiling. Her eyes are
glazed over. She's not quite here and now. In
fact, she's having a dream/flashback...]
17. SIGMATOME KITCHEN.
[CAPTION: Hakodate, Japan - Wednesday 15 June
1983 ]
[The kitchen of the home Ratbat lived in all
those years ago. Nothing particularly special.
Oh, it connects straight to a living/dining room
area, but we can't see that yet. A four-year-old
Ratbat is here, playing with a doll. Into the
room steps a tall, demure woman in her mid-
thirties and a purple kimono, with short, neatly
combed hair and glasses. This is Ratbat's mother
and Len's wife, Sigmatome Nicole. She sees
Ratbat, sighs, and tuts to herself. She bends
down, takes the doll from him and puts a toy
truck there instead. The toddler looks quite
hurt at this, but soon lets it pass as he
discovers that he can ram the truck back and
forth into the bench [hey, he's four!].]
RATBAT: Kaachan?
NICOLE: Hai?
RATBAT: Why did you make me an otoko?
[Nicole frowns. This isn't quite the question
she was expecting.]
NICOLE: Well, I-- we...didn't really make you anything.
When you were born, you were just...you just are
a boy.
RATBAT: Nnk.
[Sorry, Haha, but the truck becomes interesting
again at this point. Nicole goes over to the
other section of the room, where Len [who looks
exactly the same as he does now] and Bobbi [who
at this point has her hair half-combed over her
face, and there's no grey in it] are playing go
and [big surprise] drinking Scotch. Nicole
places herself next to Len.]
NICOLE: Len-chan...
LEN [Not paying full attention]: Yes, dear.
NICOLE: You're planning on taking Ratbat away to train
him in martial arts, aren't you?
LEN: Yes, dear.
[She puts the doll down right near him. If he's
supposed to notice, he doesn't.]
NICOLE: Promise me you'll raise him well.
LEN: Yes, dear.
NICOLE: Raise him to be...a man amongst men.
LEN: Yes, dear.
NICOLE: Len...Len! Do you promise?
LEN: Yes, dear.
NICOLE: On your honour? Will you and he commit seppuku
if doesn't happen?
LEN: Yes, dear.
NICOLE: Hmm. [Pause] Len, there's a dinosaur in your
hair.
LEN: Yes, dear.
[Giving up, she raises her hands in
exasperation, gets up and leaves. End
flashback/dissolve to:]
18. BEFORE NARRABUNDAH COLLEGE.
[Come in on Ratbat, still looking slightly
distant, and Niki looking slightly concerned at
this as they and Suzy walk towards the school.
He is still paying attention to Suzy's
conversation, however.]
SUZY [Fade in]: ...I usually get that one step before going
too far. Like when that guy dared me to take my
bra off in the common room... I'd reached under
my top, and I'd actually got one hook gone
before I realised what I was doing and stopped
myself...
[Ratbat shrugs.]
RATBAT: I wasnae even completely sure that you actually
wore one.
[Suzy sighs and lifts up her shirt. CU on her
face.]
SUZY: See? I do. Your curiosity is sated.
[Opposite POV, on Ratbat and Niki. They look at
Suzy, then at each other, then at the numerous
pairs of eyes that have turned in their
direction.]
NIKI: Umm, Suz - maybe you should change that to 'I
usually do'.
[Ratbat nods his agreement.]
SUZY: Nani?
[She looks, realises, then quickly snaps her
shirt back down.]
SUZY: Kuso!
[And, wouldn't you know it - at this point,
Kunou materialises.]
JARRAH: Ah, fair maiden, do not feel that you must brave
your feminine regions to the elements merely to
attract the gaze of Kunou Jarrah. Why, you must
merely beat your heart, and I will rush to your
side like a steroid-driven steed.
[Cut to show that Ratbat is leaning with his arm
against him as if he were a wall. He yawns.]
RATBAT: Whose go is it?
SUZY: Yours. No, mine. Eeto...Kimi...aa...I can't
remember.
RATBAT: Both, then?
SUZY: Hai.
[They both boot Jarrah into the air, and he
flies off doing the oyakusoku pozu.]
NIKI: Oh. I kind of wish you hadn't done that. I've
got another... present I want to give him.
[She looks up, and tries to walk off in the
direction of his flight path.]
NIKI: Hmm...looks like he's headed for C Block...
[Wanders off. Ratbat looks nervously after her,
then catches himself.]
RATBAT [VO]: Och, that's it. There's only one way I'm gonna
be able to sort this out...
RATBAT: Suzy-kun?
SUZY: Nerf?
RATBAT: I need to talk to you.
SUZY: I'm here, you're here. Talk away.
RATBAT: Dame. I mean really talk.
[Suzy blinks, slightly taken aback.]
SUZY: Oh. Um, OK.
[She looks at her watch, then back towards the
college.]
SUZY: I think that we'd better go to Ruthie-sensei's
class first, though. I don't really relish the
idea of trying to conduct any kind of important
conversation while lying in a crumpled heap.
RATBAT: Hai.
[Dissolve to:]
19. AREA BEHIND COMMON ROOM.
[There are a few benches, bushes and shrubs
here. Ratbat and Suzy exit from the common room
and head for one of the benches. Ratbat is
wearing a slightly 'why am I doing this?' face.
They sit.]
SUZY: Ja...nani? What is it?
RATBAT: Watashi wa...han...hm. I still dinna know how to
say this 'un...eeto...ne...
SUZY: Ummm...try Japanese.
[Which they speak all the time, remember? It's
like Gunsmith Cats in reverse.]
RATBAT: Och. All right. I'm a girl.
[Suzy blinks strangely: Did she just miss
something?]
SUZY: That's it? Ratbat, I already know that. Everyone
does.
[A bit emotional and completely serious, Ratbat
shakes his head.]
RATBAT: Damedamedamedame. I mean...I'm onna where it
counts...
SUZY: Again...I found that out a few hours after I met
you.
RATBAT: Er, not quite. Obviously we have differing
opinions of 'where it counts'.
SUZY: Well, I took those four things growing out of
your chest to be a pretty good indicator.
RATBAT: Not quite...I'm taking 'where it counts' to
mean...koko.
[He thinks about placing his hand over his
heart, then realises that won't help the chest-
based issue any, and instead taps the side of
his head. Suzy is starting to catch on.]
SUZY: Kimi wa...you're a proper transsexual.
RATBAT: Gender dysphoric, aye... A little girl born with
little boy parts. When...when I fell into that
spring at Jusenkyou... [dreamy introspective
mode] ...it was one of the best things that ever
'appened to me... Course, I had to pretend to be
browned off in front of Chichi. I'm sure he'd be
thrilled to know that he's actually only had a
daughter all these years... He'll have to find
out sooner or later - just...not now, is all.
SUZY: What were you going to do? If there'd been no
Jusenkyou? Would you have gone on to have
surgery and things?
RATBAT: Maybe...probably. Might still 'ave to, depending
what happens when or if I ever get back to
Jusenkyou. On my own, this time.
[Suzy's logic centre kicks in.]
SUZY: That's a thing...you often talk about going back
to China. I thought it meant you wanted to
remove your curse.
RATBAT: Well, in a way, that's kind of true. Either way
it happens, I don't much like the concept of my
body changing without being able to do anything
about it.
SUZY: Try going through puberty.
RATBAT: I did. Twice.
SUZY: Oh, yeah.
RATBAT: Anyway...I don't want to look for the pool of a
drowned chiropteran male...or any kind of male,
for that matter. See...I figure that if I go
back into that spring as a girl...
SUZY: ...then whenever you got hot water on you, it
would turn you back into the form you were when
you entered the spring in the first place. You'd
have the onna body all the time.
RATBAT: Exactly.
SUZY: Hmmm...this is...this is deep, Ratti. This must
be what Niki's been trying to find out if I know
about for the past two days.
RATBAT: It is...that's part of why I told ye...she read
my diary and found out.
[Suzy starts to look cross at being thought of
as an informational necessity when Ratbat goes
straight on.]
RATBAT: ...and I'd much rather that ye found it out from
me than from her, particularly seeing as...ja, I
dinna know what this says for us, or for the
engagement, or even if ye still want to talk to
me... Now that it's kinda...changed. Now you're
really engaged to a girl, an' all...
[This notion finally penetrates Suzy.]
SUZY: Yes. Yes. You're right. Things are a
bit...different, now. Thank you, though.
RATBAT: Nani?
SUZY: For telling me. You could have just denied
everything Niki said and I'd be none the wiser.
But you're definitely right about some things
changing. Well, except for the part about
talking to you, though. I mean, obviously I'm
still talking to you, otherwise you wouldn't be
able to hear me. Unless I was just talking to
you to tell you that I wasn't talking to you,
but then, that wouldn't make much sense, because
if I'm [drifting into babble-land] talking to
you, then I'm talking to you, whether
[At this point, Ratbat's face starts to return
to its usual array of expressions. In this case,
the uh-oh-Suzy's-losing-it one.]
SUZY: it's to say I'm not talking to you or not. In
fact, if I wasn't talking to you, then I'd be
best just not talking to you, but then...
[She's completely forgotten Ratbat's there. He
slowly gets up, and wanders away, Suzy
continuing on.]
20. COMMON ROOM.
[Ratbat enters, and leans against the doorway,
energy expelled.]
RATBAT: There...now, that was quick and painless, wasn't
it, Ratbat?
No.
[He sighs, and straightens up, hands in his
pocket [same jacket as yesterday]. He notices,
therefore, something within. He pulls out the
photo he picked up in the park yesterday.]
RATBAT: Nani? Oh, that. Hang about...
[He looks at the photo closer.]
RATBAT [VO]: Ye can't see her face properly, but...this
person's got red hair. And...one, two, thr-- And
she's chiropteran. Or some other individual who
ended up with four, I suppose. [Eyes narrow] But
there wouldn't be too many red-haired
quatromammarians who hung around the bathroom at
Tendo Dojo...! Aaaaaa, Niki- Niki- Niki-chan...
[Speak, or rather, think, of the devil. She
approaches.]
NIKI: Ohayo, Ratti-chan.
[Ratbat is now much easier with her than he has
been for most of the rest of the episode.]
RATBAT: Ohayo, Niki-chan.
NIKI: I don't suppose you've seen my dear sister
anywhere, have you?
[Ratbat points.]
RATBAT: Out back. Planning on having a little talk with
her, are ye...?
NIKI: Hmmmmmmmm...maybe.
RATBAT: That's nice.
[Niki starts to set off.]
RATBAT: ...'cos I already have.
[She rushes back.]
NIKI: Nani? You told her?
RATBAT: Hai.
NIKI: But I...I was only teasing you. I wouldn't
really...
RATBAT: I didn't think ye would, but I couldnae be sure.
So I made sure.
NIKI: And what...what did she do?
RATBAT: Nothing yet. [Quick subject jump to photo] This
is part of what you were selling Kunou, innit?
NIKI: ...
RATBAT: That's me, there. Somehow, you got photographs
of me undressing. And, you being a smart
economist and knowing your target market, you
probably got some of Suzy to flog to 'im, an'
all.
NIKI: Ummm...kinda.
RATBAT: How's about a little return tease, then? You
stop selling naughty pictures of your
cohabiters, and I don't tell the dog-collared
one ye've been doing it.
NIKI: Oh, come on...! I'm not scared of Suzy...!
[Ratbat just looks at her.]
NIKI: OK, yes I am. Chikusho.
21. ROAD BY BOARDING HOUSE.
[Yeah, that's about it.]
[CAPTION: Interlude
Tokyo, Japan - Monday 28 August
1995 ]
[The lost boy, the one who's been all over the
planet, and will probably wander the Earth
forever, stalks into shot. He looks around.]
LOST BOY [VO]: Doko...? Could this be it?
[Suddenly, he is accosted by a flying girl with
small horns, long green hair, and a tiger-print
bikini.]
HORNS: Darling!
[She tackles him to the ground, then pauses.]
HORNS: Hmm...you're not Darling.
[He turns over and looks at her.]
LOST BOY: And...you're not Sigmatome Ratbat?
HORNS: Iie.
[He gets up.]
LOST BOY: Suman.
[He stalks off, and the girl flies away.]
22. SUZY'S ZONE.
[Early evening. Suzy is seated on the bed.]
SUZY [VO]: That was some big news from Ratbat, there.
Strange thing is...looking back, I'm not all
that surprised. Still... I was just getting used
to the guy. Really the guy, that is. In fact,
through all his baka hentai lack of
credibility...he was actually kind of cute.
[She immediately looks around to see if anyone
heard that.]
SUZY [VO]: Oh, chotto mate...that was thinking.
[She looks embarrassed for a moment.]
SUZY [VO]: I'm not quite sure what to do now...I mean, he--
she's still Sigmatome Ratbat...the only
difference is now I know what that means. Nerf.
[Shakes her head.] I don't think there's
anything either of us can do about being
engaged, anyway...not now, and not without
telling Len and Bobbi - which we certainly won't
bloody do.
[Huge whole-body sigh.]
SUZY: Looks like I'm just going to have to wait and
see.
23. KITCHEN.
[Fiona is thumbing through a recipe book. Bobbi
enters.]
BOBBI: It's good to see, isn't it, Fiona-chan?
FIONA: What's that, Okaasan?
BOBBI: The younger kids are all getting along again.
FIONA: Oh. Weren't they always?
[Bobbi stares at her blankly.]
BOBBI: Sometimes I envy you, Fiona, really I do.
FIONA: Why, arigato, Okaasan.
[Bobbi shakes her head and leaves.]
24. FRONT GARDEN.
[Niki is here, clutching another bunch of
photos.]
NIKI [VO]: I know Ratbat told me to stop selling
these...but really, what she doesn't know won't
hurt her.
[Jarrah is passing by the gate, and she goes out
to him.]
NIKI: Oi! Kunou!
25. OUTSIDE DOJO.
[Niki bounds out to Kunou.]
NIKI: Hey, Jarrah - I've got more of what you like
here.
JARRAH: Alas, fair Niki, I fear our series of
transactions is at an end. I now have an
alternative offer which I have considered above
your own.
NIKI: Nani?
JARRAH: Good day to you, dark maiden.
[He goes off around the corner. Niki looks
crestfallen, then goes back in.]
26. AROUND CORNER.
[Jarrah approaches a trenchcoated [and thus
hidden] figure.]
JARRAH: Can you now deliver to me as you promised?
[The figure nods. He hands Jarrah some
photographs.]
JARRAH: Excellence beyond compare!
[He looks at them. They are snaps of Suzy and
Niki heavily flirting.]
JARRAH: Although it is Tendo Niki accompanying her
sister in these works, and not pon�teru no onna,
they are still veritable images of beauty... As
would Niki herself be, had she not
that...personality of hers.
[He hands over some money, which the figure
pockets.]
JARRAH: I bid you farewell. May our economic paths
hopefully one day cross again.
[And he departs, just as rain starts to patter
down. This doesn't thrill the figure, as in a
familiar fashion, he billows out the trenchcoat
to become a panda.]
LEN: Mrowf.
END CREDITS.
Sigmatome Ratbat
URAC SIGMA
Tendo Suzy
SUZY STYLES
Tendo Niki
NIKI O'BRIEN
Tendo Bobbi
ROBYN SCHOLES
Sigmatome Nicole
NICOLE WYLIE
Lost Boy
EUAN BOWEN
Lum
HIRANO FUMI
written by
URAC SIGMA
additional material
SUZY STYLES
creation and development
URAC SIGMA
EUAN BOWEN
LEILA FETTER
SUZY STYLES
with apologies to
TAKAHASHI RUMIKO
� Recycadelic Cacti MCMXCVI
_______________________________
1 My fianc� is my fianc�e. Yes, really!