NARRABUNDAH 1/2
by Urac Sigma
Volume I, part five
Kunou wa?
CAST OF CHARACTERS
SIGMATOME RATBAT
Gender-bent
TENDO SUZY
Forefront of canine fashion
KUNOU JARRAH
The man from BAKA
TENDO NIKI
Don't ask questions
TENDO FIONA
The good daughter
TENDO BOBBI
Bewildered mother
SIGMATOME LEN
Mrowf!
HODJSUKE TIMOTHY
That little guy
GOSUNKUGI SAM
Budding mystic
HINOMIYA RUTHIE-SENSEI
Awheeeeeee!
A
NO-BRAND HERO
and the
LOST BOY
TITLE SEQUENCE.
[With the alternate Jajauma ni Sasenai de, and
an art card matching the voice-over.]
SUZY [VO]: Kunou wa?
1. FRONT ROOM, KUNOU MANOR.
[We see that Kunou has Ratbat's face up on a
dartboard. Cut to Jarrah's own face. He is
concentrating, ready to throw.]
[CAPTION: Neribanda, Tokyo, Japan - Tuesday 22
August 1995 ]
JARRAH: Just as the dart slips through the air without
resistance, so must I be at one with my
intention to throw, and let nothing waver me
from the straight path.
[He draws his arm back, ready to throw, when Tim
enters.]
TIM: Kunou-sama!
JARRAH: Aagh!
[He is surprised enough to end up throwing the
dart wild, its path eventually ending in Tim's
foot.]
JARRAH: Timothy, do not throw thyself before my
dartboard in such a manner. Were it not for my
rapid reflexes, that may have been your head!
TIM: Hai, Kunou-sama. Sir...I can now tell you the
j�sho of the red-haired girl.
JARRAH: Her address? Ah, but you have done well,
Timothy. To know the location of the chiropteran
Helen whose name we do not even know. The red-
haired girl...pon�t�ru no onna...sangurasu no
bijo...these are but codes we thrust upon her,
for we know so little about her...
[He leaves this trailing, and it becomes evident
that he is waiting for something. Tim hurriedly
puts down his cup of tea.]
TIM: Yes, sir?
JARRAH: Her address.
TIM: Ja, actually, she lives at Tendo no Dojo.
JARRAH: Nani? Can it be true? Both my goddesses, located
under the one tackily-decorated roof? This is
indeed a most joyous eventuality. A pair of such
exquisite examples of womanhood, both residing
in the same house...[realises]...the same house
as that unruly horse Ratbat! No, it shall not
be! Timothy, where are you?
[He hasn't moved.]
TIM: Right here, sir.
JARRAH: Tim, take a message to that scourge of humanity,
Sigmatome Ratbat. Tell him that I challenge him
- with the love of a woman as the prize!
TIM: Hai. [Pause] Aa...Kunou-sama?
JARRAH: My grace hears you.
TIM: Which woman?
JARRAH: Why...[pause]...uh...[trails off]
JARRAH [VO]: How can I decide? They are both equally
deserving to be freed to me from that
blackguard, yet I cannot claim a duel for two
women in one blow.
JARRAH: Leave me, Tim. I would think.
[Tim starts to leave.]
TIM [VO]: Well, if you had a brain, you would.
2. ROAD TO SCHOOL.
[Ratbat and Suzy are walking ahead, Niki
slightly behind. Niki is teasing.]
NIKI: Sooo...have you two set a date yet?
SUZY & RATBAT: No!
NIKI: Hm.
NIKI [VO]: Just like before...they didn't say anything
about not setting a date. Could it be that this
ridiculous idea of Haha and Sigmatome-san is
actually going to work? That these two are
actually going to stay together? I hope so.
Because, if they don't...Mum might decide that
Suzy wasn't the best daughter to choose, then
I'd be in the hot seat...
[Dream sequence:]
3. FUTURE LIVING ROOM. SUPER-DEFORMED.
[An unspecified living room, everything in SD-
type art. A weary-looking Niki is sitting on the
sofa next to Ratbat. Their kids, a whole bunch
of tiny Ratbats, are running about making noise
and generally being really annoying. Niki
suddenly gets up and tips a bucket of water on
them, and they all turn into little Nikis, and
continue being annoying. End dream sequence.]
4. ROAD TO SCHOOL.
[Niki shudders at the idea.]
NIKI [VO]: No thanks... Of course, she could decide on
Fiona-chan...but I doubt it. Fiona just stays at
home all day. Does what she enjoys. Gets money
from Haha whenever she needs it. Doesn't have
any pressure in her life... God, that girl is
smart!
I guess...I guess if I really want to be sure of
myself, I should find out what Ratbat really
thinks of Suzy. Problem is...how am I gonna do
that?
[She is startled back to reality as Suzy and
Ratbat throw their bags to her.]
RATBAT: It's that time again...!
SUZY: Mind our bags, Niki-chan...!
[They charge off into...]
5. BEFORE NARRABUNDAH COLLEGE.
[Ratbat and Suzy scream in, and assume battle
stance. But nothing happens. They look terribly
anxious. Then edgy. Then simply waiting. Then
bored. Then they give up.]
SUZY: Nani?
RATBAT [shakes head]: Wakaranai.
[A blonde student wearing glasses with a candle
strapped to his head emerges from behind the
tree.]
SUZY: Gosunkugi?
GOSUNKUGI: The challenges have ended, Suzy. After some of
us saw you beat her one-to-one, Sigmatome, the
student body has acknowledged that you are Tendo
Suzy's dansei.
RATBAT: Beat her?
SUZY: Itsu?
RATBAT: Aye, when?
[Niki has caught up.]
NIKI: A technicality, guys. Yesterday, in the common
room.
[Flashback to:]
6. COMMON ROOM.
[Niki, Suzy and Ratbat are all at a table here.
Niki is eating from a bag of sweets. She peers
inside.]
NIKI: Oh! Last humbug, guys - who wants it?
SUZY & RATBAT: Watashi!
[They look at each other.]
RATBAT: Match ye for it.
SUZY: Nerf.
SUZY & RATBAT: Jan...ken...pon!
[They go paper-scissors-stone. Ratbat gets
paper, Suzy stone.]
RATBAT: Ha!
[End flashback as Niki tosses him the sweet.]
7. BEFORE NARRABUNDAH COLLEGE.
RATBAT: Och, Glenda-sama no tame ni...
[Suzy is looking about desperately.]
SUZY: Come on...someone must want at least one
fight...just a little tatakai?
[Gosunkugi disappears again. On Niki.]
NIKI [VO]: Well, the student body accepts it. Mind you, the
student body of Narrabundah College accept
pretty much anything...
[Dissolve.]
8. QUAD.
[Kunou is walking along the edge.]
JARRAH [VO]: Ahh, fair Suzy. Shall it be you that I make
truly mine as I turn Ratbat into a bat-skin
throw-rug? Yes. Yes, I think it must be... But
could I ever do that to pon�t�ru no onna? Or if
I were to choose her...could I ever be so
heartless to Suzy?
9. GENTS'.
[There are a few guys here. Ratbat has finished
up, and heads for the sink. He turns on the
water, and sticks his hands under.]
10. QUAD.
[Jarrah is on the path adjacent to the gents'
when he is taken aback by a bunch of boys
screaming out of it. Soon after, Ratbat-chan
emerges, shaking her hands dry.]
RATBAT: Wimps.
[Suddenly Jarrah drops to his knees.]
JARRAH: OH, TENDO SUZY, FORGIVE MEEEE!!!!
[Ratbat just blinks at him a couple of times.
She giggles nervously, then calmly turns on her
heel and runs for dear life. Jarrah is stuck
there staring at the sky for a couple of moments
until adult Ruth-sensei comes up to him.]
RUTH: Are you all right, my dear?
[Jarrah looks at her, giving her the once over.
His voice returns to deadpan.]
JARRAH: Don't you complicate matters.
[At this point, we cut to his widening eyes,
then back to Ruthie to show that she is in her
child form once more.]
RUTHIE: Ooohhh! How weeiiirdd!!
[She trills with delight, then runs off. Jarrah
just shakes his head and faints.]
11. OUTSIDE DOJO.
[Fiona comes out to check the letterbox, and
withdraws a single envelope. She turns to take
it back inside, and finds that Bobbi is standing
there.]
BOBBI: Did it come?
FIONA: Okaasan - you know that your subscription to
What Gerbil? expired in 1988!
BOBBI: Yes, but sometimes they forget, and they send an
extra issue on afterwards.
FIONA: Come along, Okaasan, let's go inside...
[They start back towards the house.]
BOBBI: Who's that one for, anyway?
FIONA: Ratbat.
12. LIVING ROOM.
[Ratbat looks up, as if she was hailed by Fiona
in the previous scene.]
RATBAT: Hm?
[We now see that Fiona, Suzy, Ratbat, Len and
Bobbi [drinking scotch and playing shogi] are
here. Fiona hands Ratbat the envelope.]
FIONA: This came for you today. It seems to be from
that Kunou boy.
[Ratbat takes the envelope, and hands it
straight to Suzy.]
RATBAT: Oh, great, another love letter from Kunou
Jarrah. Now he's found out where I live, an'
all.
[This is evidently not the first time. Suzy
opens the letter and reads some.]
SUZY: No... this one's for otoko-Ratbat. Yonde.
[Ratbat takes the letter.]
RATBAT: Otoko-Ratbat...?
[He reads some more.]
RATBAT: Oh, chikusho.
LEN: What's that, son?
RATBAT: 'e's only gone and challenged me.
LEN: I thought he'd already done that.
RATBAT: No, that was because I'd humiliated him. Now
there's a new challenge. With a prize, no less.
SUZY [Not sure she wants to know]: Prize? What prize?
[Ratbat suddenly adopts an excessively cute pose
and voice.]
RATBAT [Cute]: Sangurasu no bijo...!
[Returns to normal.]
SUZY: He's challenging you for you.
RATBAT: Aye. Baka - when's he gonna work out I'm all one
person?
SUZY: He could have challenged you for me, but no. He
challenged you for you.
RATBAT: This could be tricky. I've no fought him one-on-
one, no tricks, no surprises yet.
BOBBI: Oh, come on, you can beat him, surely?
RATBAT: Ja, 'e might have a nice little wind tunnel
goin' through 'is ears, but he's no slouch at
combat.
SUZY: He chose you over me.
LEN: Cheer up, son. You can take him.
RATBAT: Let's--
SUZY: What the hell have you got that I haven't?
RATBAT: Fangs, red hair and four tits. Besides, [cute
mode] watashi wa kawaii!
SUZY: Kimi wa kawaikune!
RATBAT: Leave it out. You're too vi--
13. FRONT GARDEN.
[There is a thump from inside, then Ratbat flies
out and lands in the pond.]
RATBAT: --olent.
LEN [Off]: My God, son, you must need work. You just got
beat by a girl!
[He laughs briefly, then there is another thump,
and Len follows Ratbat through the air and into
the pond. Pan down to show that Ratbat is now
struggling and wheezing under a couple hundred
kilograms of panda.]
RATBAT: Baka.
14. RATBAT'S DEN.
[First checking that it's empty, Niki enters.]
NIKI [VO]: Now, I'm sure someone as literary as Ratbat must
keep a diary. If he's written about what he
thinks of Suzy, that's the place it'll be. Now,
doko...?
[On a whim, she stoops down and reaches under
Ratbat's futon. She rummages a bit, then pulls
out a small green book.]
NIKI: Ah-haaa...you're too obvious, Sigmatome...one
nikki for another!
[She opens the diary.]
NIKI [Reads]:Sigmatome Ratbat no nikki. Only it's not my
diary, actually. I knew you'd come sneaking
around sooner or later, Niki, so I planted this
to teach you a lesson. Bleah. [Normal] Grrrr...!
Now, come on, kangaette, Tendo, think!
[Her eyes drift to the bookshelf. She walks over
and plucks out a volume. It also appears to be a
diary.]
NIKI: Very good, Ratti...very Edgar Allan Poe. What
better place to hide a hon than on a
bookshelf...
[She opens the diary.]
NIKI [Reads]:Sigmatome Ratbat no nikki. The real one. Tendo,
you ama.
[She conceals the diary, and leaves the room
with it.]
15. OUTSIDE DORM.
[A dormitory. There appears to be a long-haired
girl in a boys' school uniform outside it,
talking to a cat.]
[CAPTION: Interlude
Ryokuto High, Japan - Wednesday
23 August 1995 ]
[Wearily, the lost boy whom we've seen all over
the world comes up.]
LOST BOY: Sumimasen...
LONG HAIR: Hai?
LOST BOY: There's...I'm looking for a school...
LONG HAIR: Ano...this is a school!
LOST BOY: Is this...Narrabundah College?
LONG HAIR: Iie. Ryokuto da!
LOST BOY: Ryokuto.
LONG HAIR: Hai.
LOST BOY: Not Narrabundah.
LONG HAIR: Iie.
LOST BOY: Suman.
[He leaves again. The long-haired student turns
to the cat.]
LONG HAIR: Strange boy...what do you think, Kone?
KONE: Niao.
16. STREET.
[It is now night-time. Suzy walks slowly along.]
SUZY [VO]: Maybe I shouldn't have hit Ratbat that hard.
Still, I guess Toboki-sensei will have her fixed
up again soon enough. [Sigh] I don't want him
fighting Kunou tomorrow. Can't the baka just
tell him that he's the ponytailed girl?
Actually, no, Niki tried that... He ended up
trying to excise her of whatever spell Ratbat
had her under. But Jarrah's good - bloody good.
As far as I can tell, Ratbat's hardly done any
fighting or training since Jusenkyou, except for
the scraps before school - not that they're
much. Even Kunou he took by surprise. It's gonna
be dodgy... [Realises] Mate-yo! Why do I care
what kind of trouble Ratbat gets himself into?!
He should be able to take care of himself,
right?
[Even though it's all in her head, she doesn't
sound too sure of that last part. She looks up,
and sees where she's walked to: Kunou Manor. She
looks across at it, then looks at her feet.]
SUZY [VO]: Even so...
[She walks over to the manor.]
17. FRONT OF KUNOU MANOR.
[Suzy comes up and knocks on the vast set of
doors.]
SUZY [VO]: Why am I doing this?
[Tim answers the door.]
TIM: Who-- Aie! Tendo-megamisama! Come in!
[He disappears inside.]
SUZY [Self]: Tendo-what?
[Shakes her head and follows him in.]
18. FRONT ROOM, KUNOU MANOR.
[Tim leads Suzy in, then runs off. Suzy looks
around.]
SUZY: Inshoteki na...
[She picks up some expensive-looking ornamental
crystal orbs, and tries to juggle them. They all
somehow slip from her fingers and shatter on the
floor.]
SUZY: Whoops.
[She hurriedly picks up an armchair and places
it over the debris. No sooner has she done this
than Kunou enters.]
JARRAH: What sweet God-loving act could I have committed
to deserve this? Tendo Suzy, whose name is
played on the harps of a thousand angels,
standing my own humble (if exquisitely
decorated) abode?
[Suzy looks worried for a moment, then gets
straight to the point.]
SUZY: You're fighting Ratbat tomorrow, aren't you? For
the redhead.
[Jarrah gives a very small nod.]
SUZY: Soodesune. Well, I'm offering myself as an
additional prize for the contest.
JARRAH: Oh, Suzy...then in victory I would win the
hearts and hands of both you and the woman of
bats?
SUZY: Not quite. If you win, you get the pony-tailed
one. If you lose, you get me. Owari.
[She leaves. Jarrah now looks more torn than
ever.]
JARRAH: No...! How can this be? She has now committed
such a generous and selfless act - I once more
am at a loss for who to choose! In battle
against Sigmatome, I must not lose! But for the
sake of poor Suzy, who has so desperately tried
to return to my arms, I must not win! Argghh!
[With the final groan, he steps forward to the
chair Suzy had moved, and recoils.]
JARRAH: Eep!
[Grumbling, he then settles in the chair to pick
the bits of glass out of his foot.]
19. NIKI'S LAIR.
[Niki is here, flipping through Ratbat's diary,
and occasionally reading sections by a single
dim light. She variously raises eyebrows, laughs
to herself, or adopts other reactive
expressions.]
NIKI [VO]: Nothing on Suzy-kun yet... not that I could
really tell, not with this Godawful handwriting.
[However, she now turns to one section that
makes her stop. She adopts an expression of
explicit shock, reads the section fully, then
sits up on the bed.]
NIKI [Stunned]: Masaka...
20. COMMON ROOM.
[Ratbat is indulging in a solitary
illuminationally-induced training method
involving a matt surface. Oh, OK - he's shadow-
boxing. Pull back to show that Niki and Suzy are
sitting on a table in the foreground.]
NIKI: Nani? Why did you go and say that?
SUZY: You know what he's like, oneechan. He seems to
have placed both Ratbat and myself way up the
top of his list. I thought if I tried to make
him choose again, then he'd call off the
challenge.
[Background: Ratbat suddenly stops boxing and
stands innocently as Ruthie comes up to him.]
NIKI: Didn't work, huh?
[Background: Ratbat points at something out of
shot, and bubbly little Ruthie-kid screeches and
runs delightedly after where he points.]
SUZY: Iie. He's a typical male. Doesn't wanna look
like a wimp and back down.
[Background: Ratbat's gaze follows Ruthie, which
means she must be doing something odd, as he
ends up looking up, and rotating right around.
She comes down on the other side, and runs out
past the sisters Tendo.]
NIKI: Well, have some confidence - maybe Ratbat'll
win. You don't seem to be giving her much credit
in any of this.
[They look back to Ratbat. He goes back to
boxing, and thumps the wall too hard, hurting
his hand.]
SUZY: Hm...
NIKI: Oh - which reminds me, Suz - there's something I
think you s--
[She cuts off as the double doors are flung
open, and there stands Kunou Jarrah.]
JARRAH: Now is the appointed hour, Sigmatome! Or have
you decided to show the world your true colours
and flee the land? [Looks] Oh no, there you are.
[Ratbat comes to the fore.]
RATBAT: Come on, then, Man of Rubber! I could put an egg
on, then take you down before it finishes!
[They go out into the quad.]
SUZY: Not if you put in the microwave. That'd be
quicker.
[Niki sighs and leads her out to the quad also.]
NIKI: Suzy, you do know that there's reasons you're
not allowed to cook, don't you...?
21. QUAD.
[Ratbat and Jarrah are facing each other off.
Tim stands by with a handkerchief.]
RATBAT: Ye don't wanna just pack it in now, eh, Jal?
Easier in the long run, I tell ye. Then ye can
just disappear and leave the local women alone
for a bit.
JARRAH: Fool, Sigmatome - not only do you overrate your
own ability, but you fail to realise the stakes
we are fighting for. While my victory over you
will garner me pon�t�ru no onna...my defeat
grants me the heart of Tendo Suzy!
[This takes Ratbat aback.]
RATBAT: Nani? Hontoo ni?
[He drops out of battle pose and holds up a
finger.]
RATBAT: Second.
[He goes over to Suzy, rapidly remembering to
withdraw the finger.]
RATBAT: Suzy-kun...much as I appreciate the sentiment,
d'yer think you could tell me these things
before I'm prancing around in front of the bad
guy?
SUZY: Nerf.
RATBAT: Doomo.
[He goes back.]
RATBAT: OK, Kunou-kun...
JARRAH: I am your sempai!
RATBAT: Yeah, Semps, whatever. Let's get this over and
done with.
JARRAH: So be it!
[Tim drops the handkercief. Kunou charges at
Ratbat, sword waving [and flopping about].
Ratbat just manages to avoid his charge, leaping
up and striking him on the back of the head.]
RATBAT [VO]: What the smeg am I supposed to do 'ere? I can
probably beat him - but then Suzy's put herself
forward to be the woman in his life. But if I
let him beat me - well, Jarrah darling's no
exactly my type.
[He launches himself into the Sigmatome seiki-o-
tsubusu, but this time Jarrah blocks him,
flipping his foot over and sending him onto the
ground. He gets up.]
RATBAT [VO]: Why on Earth did Suzy chuck 'erself in the line
of fire like that, anyway? Wouldn't it be all
her own doing if she did end up with Kunou?
[Ducks a swipe by Kunou, grabbing his sword, but
having its flexible nature rob him of control.]
RATBAT [VO]: Aye, Sigmatome, but I canna see you letting that
happen, strangely enough. As for why...
[Looks up and sees Kunou's foot flying towards
him.]
RATBAT: I think I'll worry about that later!
[That throws Jarrah off enough for Ratbat to
shove back against the foot and send him flying.
Cut to Niki and Suzy, standing nearby,
watching.]
SUZY: What was it you had to tell me, anyway?
[Niki waves her hand dismissively.]
NIKI: Later...after the fight.
[Dissolve to:]
22. QUAD.
[The light is starting to grow dim, and Suzy and
Niki are now seated, but the fight noises
continue. Dissolve to:]
23. QUAD.
[It is now all but dark, and the sisters are
leaning wearily against each other. Still the
sounds of battle, though. Dissolve to:]
24. QUAD.
[Altogether night now. Niki is still sitting
there, and Suzy returns briefly, carrying two
obento, one of which she hands to Niki.]
SUZY: Did I miss anything?
NIKI: Not quite...but I think they're starting to
power down now.
[Show us Jarrah and Ratbat. Both look extremely
tired. Jarrah makes an attempt with his sword,
and barely lifts it. Ratbat gives a half-hearted
side-step. He makes a vague punching motion
towards Jarrah, but it goes nowhere.]
RATBAT: Ne, Kunou...
JARRAH: Hai?
RATBAT: Wanna call it a tie?
JARRAH: Thou may be a seductive demon, Sigmatome...and
you may hold... the women of Neribanda in
an...unholy grip...but in battle you are a
worthy...opponent.... Hai - a tie. I shall
vanquish thee another time.
RATBAT: Good.
[They both give a final noise of exhaustion,
then collapse. Suzy and Niki, still eating, go
to them.]
SUZY: My life's so rewarding. I'm the booby-prize in a
contest between a misogynist and a transsexual.
NIKI: You should feel honoured, Suz - the most
attention I've ever had has been has been having
my pig-tails dipped in the inkwell. Come on -
let's get this one home.
[They haul Ratbat to his feet, and exit.]
END CREDITS.
Tendo Niki
NIKI O'BRIEN
Tendo Suzy
SUZY STYLES
Sigmatome Ratbat
URAC SIGMA
Tendo Bobbi
ROBYN SCHOLES
Hodjsuke Tim
TIM HODGE
Ruthie-sensei
RUTH CRABB
Gosunkugi Sam
SAM SMITH
Lost boy
EUAN BOWEN
Shun
SAKAMOTO CHIKA
written by
URAC SIGMA
additional material
SUZY STYLES
creation and development
URAC SIGMA
EUAN BOWEN
LEILA FETTER
SUZY STYLES
with apologies to
TAKAHASHI RUMIKO
� Recycadelic Cacti MCMXCVI