Hi, all!
Here it is at last. I posted the web address
(http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/1778/bundahalf.html) a few days ago,
but now I'm actually posting the first ten chapters (ie, the first
Volume) of my strange world-bending fanfic.
Comments/flames/praise/questions are welcome, nay, encouraged!
Ja ne
Urac 'Ratbat' Sigma
u962986@student.canberra.edu.au
NARRABUNDAH 1/2
by Urac Sigma
Volume I, chapter one
Soone... Hen na Koe no Komori no Onna
CAST OF CHARACTERS
SIGMATOME RATBAT
Bohemian martial-artist
TENDO SUZY
Tomboy otaku
SIGMATOME LEN
Poorly-planning father-figure
TENDO BOBBI
Mother trainer
TENDO NIKI
Gothic materialist
TENDO FIONA
Domestic good girl
A
GUIDE
at Jusenkyou
0. STREET.
[An ordinary day: people going about their business, walking into
shops, talking, stuff like that.]
[CAPTION: Neribanda, Tokyo, Japan - Saturday 12 August 1995
]
[Suddenly there is a panic as two figures charge into view. The
first is a chiropteran girl in Chinese clothing, her medium-length red
hair in a ponytail, obviously in a hurry to get somewhere. Anywhere,
that is. Anywhere where her pursuer, the next figure, isn't. That
figure, charging after her, is a panda, who seems quite cross with her.]
PEOPLE: Nani? [...] Panda wa onna o tabemasuka? [Etc.]
[The girl charges right for a wall, suddenly leaping up and onto
it at the last second. The panda hadn't calculated for this, and slams
into the wall. It makes a panda noise, and falls over.]
GIRL: Really! I canna believe ye fall for that--Aie!
[She makes this noise because the panda has grabbed her from his
position and flipped her to the ground. He points back up the street.]
PANDA: Mrowf.
GIRL: I'm no goin'. If she can't handle passing her dojo onto a single
child, it's her own problem. I don't remember proposing, I don't
remember being proposed to.
[She sets back off the way they came.]
GIRL: I'm gonna see if I can't find my way back to China som--
[She slumps straight over as the panda has hit her over the head
with a traffic cone. By now, the public are terribly interested in
what's happening. The panda does the best a panda can at flipping the
bird, then carries the girl off down the street.]
[Gong!]
TITLE SEQUENCE.
[That gong led to the start of a decidedly different [well, the
artist and some of the lyrics would change] version of Jajauma ni
Sasenai de. The title images consist of the various characters we'll
meet doing strange actions, poses or dances, even appearing to run on
the spot. All this over a background of rapidly and randomly changing
colours. At one point, we have those we will come to know as Ratbat and
Suzy doing the Macarena on either side of the panda, doing the same
dance. It ends with Ratbat and Suzy running to end up back-to-back.
Then, we have an art card matching the voice-over for the episode
title.]
SUZY [VO]: Soone... Komori no Onna to Hen na Koe...
1. OUTSIDE DOJO.
[An establishing shot of Tendo Dojo. An emotional sniff is heard.]
2. LIVING ROOM.
[Only we don't know that yet. All we can see is the following on a
postcard: ]
Bobbi -
Coming from China with Ratbat.
Len
[Draw back to show the reader of the card. A woman with long, long
brown hair wearing a dark blue robe and a Celtic pendant. Tears streak
down her cheeks. She lets out another emotional sniff.]
BOBBI [VO]: I'd better let the girls know about this...we've waited a
long time for this day to come round...
3. OUTSIDE DOJO.
BOBBI [VO, calls]: Fiona...! Niki...! Suzy...!
4. FIONA'S BEDROOM.
[A neatly-dressed girl with shortish light brown hair sits at a
desk, studying. The door opens to reveal Bobbi.]
BOBBI: Fiona.
5. NIKI'S LAIR.
[Well, bedroom by any other name, but I'm being diverse. A slight,
long-dark-haired female in black cut-offs and a black crop-top is at a
table before a mirror. Nearby lies a lot of carefully-counted money, and
some economic-looking bits of paper. In front of Niki, black make-up,
the eye component of which she is currently applying. Her door opens
out-of-shot, startling her into slipping.]
BOBBI [OOV]: Niki.
[Niki straightens up before the mirror to see that she had now
managed to make her entire eye-socket black.]
NIKI: Chikusho.
6. SUZY'S ZONE.
[Now, just in case anyone was in any doubt, this room should tell
you that we are definitely in Japan. Posters depicting all manner of
things from manga and anime decorate the walls, bits of associated
merchandise litter the room, the shelves are all taken up by it...and in
the middle of it all is a teenager with twin buns in her brown hair tied
with incredibly long ribbons, wearing a dog collar and an Astroboy shirt
over a blue dress. She is watching a video as the door opens.]
BOBBI: Suzy.
[No response. She's engrossed.]
BOBBI: Suzy!
[Lalala, she's away with the fairies, or with Blue Sonnet, at any
speed. Bobbi sighs and turns off the vid.]
SUZY: Wha--? Hey! Haha!
BOBBI: Suzy. Will you come down to the living room, onegai.
[Grumbling, Suzy gets up and truds after her.]
NIKI [VO]: So, what's so important?
[Continues straight into:]
7. LIVING ROOM.
[Bobbi is addressing her daughters.]
BOBBI: An old friend of mine, Sigmatome Lenma, will be coming here
soon. As will his son, Ratbat.
SUZY: Is there a reason you're telling us this?
BOBBI [Looking away, really embarrassed]: One of you is engaged to
Ratbat.
SUZY & NIKI: Nani?!! [Simultaneous with:]
FIONA: Oh, my.
NIKI: What are you talking about?!
BOBBI: A long time ago, Len and I agreed that one of my children
and one of his would get married, and take over the dojo.
NIKI: So you've engaged one of us, and you didn't bother to tell us.
BOBBI: Well...you didn't ask!
FIONA: Yes, we did.
[Flashback to:]
8. KITCHEN.
[CAPTION: Neribanda, Japan - Tuesday 4 February 1992.]
[A sixteen-year-old Fiona is here with Bobbi.]
FIONA: Okaasan - have you engaged any of us to any of your friends'
children and not told us?
[Bobbi looks all evasive.]
BOBBI: Um...no...
[Mix to:]
9. LIVING ROOM.
[1995 again.]
BOBBI: Well...I must have forgotten!
SUZY: Nerf. So, what's he like, this...Ratbat?
BOBBI: Well, he's...um. He's...sixteen! Hai, that's right -
j�rokusai desu. Yes, he's definitely sixteen.
NIKI: You've never seen him, have you?
BOBBI [Shamefaced]: Iie. [Assertive] Anyway, whatever! They'll be
here any--
[There is a crash from somewhere, and all four turn to face the
entry hall. The panda from the teaser enters, still carrying the girl,
who has come to.]
GIRL [Fade up]: Oi! Listen! I dinna care about this Glendamn dojo, and
y-- URNK!
[The panda drops her to the ground, and she struggles to her feet.
Bobbi, Suzy and Niki just stare. Fiona, ever the good host, comes
forward.]
FIONA: Irasshai! Konnichiwa, visitors - what can we do for you?
[The chiropteran girl looks ready to bolt again, but the panda
taps her lightly with the traffic cone.]
GIRL: Ohayo. Sigmatome Ratbat desu. Hajimemashite.
[She is half into a bow when Bobbi leaps forward and hugs her.]
BOBBI: Ratbat...! At last I meet you! I've waited so
long...for...our...
[She trails off. She squeezes Ratbat a couple of times, then
stands back.]
BOBBI: Uh?
[She looks at Ratbat's chest. There is quite definitely something
there. Tits. Boobies. Headlights. Mammary glands. Bazongas. Breasts, in
short. Bobbi experimentally pokes Ratbat in the upper set, creating a
comical squeaking noise.]
BOBBI: Chibusa...? And they're bigger than mine! Hey!
[Suzy and Niki, their curiosity aroused, come forward, also
pressing Ratbat's chest and producing all kinds of lovely bouncy
noises.]
SUZY: They're real all right.
NIKI: I'd know that feel anywhere.
[Suzy gets all play-sexy.]
SUZY: From mine...?
NIKI [Same]: Oh, of course, darling...
SUZY: Do you want them again?
NIKI: Oh, yes...
SUZY: Take--
[Fiona clears her throat loudly.]
FIONA: Suzy! Niki! That is not the way good sisters should behave
in front of guests!
SUZY & NIKI [Admonished]: Hai, oneechan...
[They go back to playing with Ratbat's accessories. Niki starts
trying to make a tune with the noises.]
FIONA: Okaasan...
BOBBI: Hm?
FIONA: Did you mean to engage one of us to another girl?
BOBBI [Hiss]: Len told me he had a son!
FIONA: That's another thing, Okaasan - what does Len look like?
BOBBI: Well, it's a while since I last saw him...but, then he had
grey hair...a moustache, glasses...[trails off and looks at the panda] I
see what you mean.
[Back to the girls. Ratbat gets sick of the poking.]
RATBAT: 'ere!
[She pokes Suzy in return, to punctuate.]
RATBAT: 'ands...off...the merchandise!
[On the last poke, Suzy bites for Ratbat's finger. She just pulls
out in time to save her finger, but one of her meticulously cared-for
nails is now lost.]
RATBAT: Chikusho.
[Suzy spits out the nail fragment. Fiona comes forward with a
towel.]
FIONA [Stern]: Now, Suzy. [To Ratbat] Even if our guest is the wrong
sex, and brought her pet panda with her, I'm sure she could use a bath
after her trip. You walked here, didn't you?
RATBAT: Hai...
FIONA: Then I'm sure you'll want the opportunity to soak yourself
for a while.
RATBAT: Doomo arigato.
[She takes the towel and picks up her pack.]
RATBAT: But that's not my pet pan--
[The panda slaps her across the head again.]
RATBAT: Hai, soodesu.
[She stalks off. The panda motions to Bobbi. She is confused: Is
this panda addressing me? He nods. Bemused, she follows him from the
room.]
10. BATHROOM.
[Pan from an open pack and discarded Chinese clothes to the bath.
It is only half-full. A naked Ratbat slowly gets in the water. She
immediately jumps out. It is cold. [You can tell when a chiropteran's
cold - [wink].]]
RATBAT: Aaaaiiiii - tsumetaiiiiii!!!!
[She looks at the hot tap, then down at herself, then back at the
door.]
RATBAT [VO]: Och, well...'ere goes nothin'...
[She turns the hot tap on.]
11. LIVING ROOM.
[Bobbi is sitting at the table with someone else. A middle-aged
man with grey hair, glasses and moustache - Len.]
BOBBI: Masaka...that's terrible.
LEN: Don't I bloody know it.
[Fiona, as usual not noticing the slightest thing wrong as long as
the guest has their tea, passes through the room. Track with her.]
12. BOTTOM OF STAIRWELL.
[Fiona comes across Suzy, and wrinkles up her nose.]
FIONA: I think you could do with a bath yourself, Suzy.
SUZY: What from? I haven't just come from China. I've just been in my
bedroom watching anime...
FIONA: Oh?
SUZY: ...for five days straight.
[Using the mysterious power of house-keeping, Fiona instantly has
a towel in her hand, giving it to Suzy.]
SUZY: But whatshername - Ratbat - is in there!
FIONA: We have a big bath, Suzy. It's not as if you've never seen a
girl without her clothes on.
SUZY: Yes it is! I haven't even seen myself naked!
[Fiona takes the towel back, and places it over Suzy's head.]
SUZY [Muffled]: Hai.
[She turns, bumps into the wall, then gets it right and goes up
the stairs.]
13. BATHROOM.
[Ratbat's hand turns off the hot tap. She takes a deep breath,
preparing to get in.]
14. CORRIDOR.
[Suzy, clad in a towel, nears the bathroom. She reaches for the
handle.]
15. BATHROOM.
[Ratbat steps into the water. As she does, something happens. As
she has her head bowed in close-up, at first it appears that it is
merely her hair changing from red to brown. Then, from another view, we
can see that her...well, his entire body has changed. Yes, viewers, our
prodigal daughter has just become a son. He prepares to lower himself
into the water.]
[Just as the door opens, and an oblivious Suzy casts her towel to
a hook. She turns back to face Ratbat.]
[She isn't oblivious any more.]
[He isn't female any more.]
RATBAT: Hi.
SUZY: Hi.
[Suzy calmly gets her towel back, leaves the bathroom, closes the
door, then runs down the corridor, screaming like a maniac.]
16. LIVING ROOM.
[Suzy charges into the room, still on the battle-cry. She whips up
the table, shocking the life out of Bobbi and Len, and scattering scotch
and bits of shoji everywhere. Fiona calmly looks at her. Niki is
similarly unimpressed.]
SUZY [Fierce]: EECHI!
FIONA: Aaahh...Suzy-chan?
NIKI: Dooshite?
SUZY: I'll tell you why! There's a fucking pervert in our bathroom!!
FIONA: Oh, my. Ratbat-chan is a hentai?
SUZY: Not her, some guy!
NIKI: There was a guy hentai in our bathroom, and you didn't beat the
crap out of him?
SUZY: I was stark bollockless naked! It was probably what he wanted!!
LEN: And now you're going to hit him with the table?
SUZY: Grrrrrrr... [Realises] N�, who are you?
LEN: I really don't think that might be a good idea.
[Ratbat [still male, Ratbat-kun] enters the room, wearing the
clothes he [she? Urg, this is fiddly] arrived in.]
SUZY: That's him!
[Now she's about to throw the table.]
RATBAT [Sheepish]: Ohayo. Sigmatome Ratbat desu. Hajimemashite.
[He bows. Suzy puts it together, then faints, dropping the table
on her head in the process. Dissolve to:]
17. LIVING ROOM.
[A while later. Suzy is staring in abject surprise at Ratbat. Niki
looks bemused. Fiona looks domestic. All six are sitting around the
table.]
BOBBI: Now - you've all met Ratbat - in whatever shape - this is my
friend I told you about, Sigmatome Len.
NIKI: Would I be really out of line if I asked what was going on?
LEN: No - you'd best know. Watch this.
[He picks up Ratbat by the scruff of the neck and hurls him into
the pond in the front garden. A dazed Ratbat-chan [female] emerges.]
LEN: Y'see that? That's our curse, that is. [Disgusted, back at Ratbat]
And to think I wanted to make a bloody man out of him!!
[The annoyed Ratbat, her cheeks full of water, stalks forward and
sprays Len on the head. He transforms into the panda we saw earlier.]
RATBAT: Ye dinna look so manly yerself, Chichi!
[Len tries to grab her, but this time she dodges.]
LEN: Mrowf!!
RATBAT: And you!
[They end up in the courtyard, alternately bickering and trying to
kill each other.]
FIONA: Okaasan...this might be a slightly impolite thing to say,
but that doesn't really explain anything.
SUZY: Ee, did Zu-Zu there tell you any more?
BOBBI: Hai, he did...
[Flashback to:]
18. JUSENKYOU.
[Pan across a sky, eventually finding three figures standing in a
clearing amongst some mountains.]
[CAPTION: Jusenkyou, China - Sunday 21 May 1995.]
BOBBI [VO]: ...apparently, something went wrong while they were training
in China.
[Zoom in on the three figures to reveal that they are Len and
Ratbat [in martial-arts training gear], and a bald man with a goatee,
dressed as a guide - this man's name is Matt.]
RATBAT: What, this is it?
[He looks out across the various ponds before him. On the parts of
ground between them, there are tall poles.]
RATBAT: This is the most perilous training ground on the whole
planet?
LEN: What were you expecting, son? A bloody gymnasium? That's bullshit!
RATBAT: Well, summat that didnae come from the back page of National
Geographic, at any speed.
MATT: Hey - don't underestimate this place, matey.
[He holds up a sign saying 'Jhusenkyou' in Chinese.]
MATT: Jusenkyou is a very dangerous place to train.
RATBAT: Aye, so he tells me.
[Len points upwards.]
LEN: Y'see those? Where else in the world are you going to find a set
of poles like that to train on...?
[He is walking forwards while looking upwards. Not a bright thing
to do at Jusenkyou.]
MATT: Hey, watch it, matey--um, honourable guest! You could fall into--
[Len obliviously walks straight into a spring and disappears from
sight.]
MATT: Ah, shit.
RATBAT: Ah, shit nani?
[Matt holds up a sign saying 'shomaoneechao' in Chinese.]
MATT: Your dad has just walked into shomaoneechao. Two thousand years
ago, a giant panda drowned in that spring. And since then, anyone else
who falls in there...
[He trails off as Len rises up once more. Guess what? He's a
panda!]
RATBAT: ...comes out as a panda.
MATT: Yeah.
RATBAT: Chikusho.
LEN: GRAAAA! MARF! ROWR!
MATT: I'm sorry, pal - there is no cure. Hot water will change y--
RATBAT: Nani o shiteiruka?
[Ratbat asks what he is doing because he has leapt to stand on one
of the poles, and is now making 'fight' motions.]
RATBAT: Ye wanna train? Ima?! That can go and!
[Len looks at him aggressively.]
LEN: MRAAWWWWW!!
[He leaps down from the pole, taking a flying kick at Ratbat. He
misses, hitting the ground just by his feet, but Ratbat flipped himself
into the air anyway to avoid it. [I don't know how his glasses stay on,
but this is anime, so who cares?]]
RATBAT: Ha! Extra beef ain't helped ye there, Chichi.
[He whirls in mid-air, realising where his course is taking him.]
RATBAT: Oh, gurl.
[Down into another spring.]
MATT: Whoops.
[He goes and bobs down by the spring. Holds up a Chinese sign that
reads 'nannichuan'.]
MATT: Well, you've just dropped yourself into nannichuan - and guess who
or what drowned in there, 1500 years ago?
[Onna-Ratbat pokes her head up, quite irked.]
RATBAT: Redhead chiropteran girl?
MATT: [Tongue click] Got it in one. And...
[He lays a hand right on her shoulder.]
MATT: What are you doing tonight?
19. ROAD TO JUSENKYOU.
[There is a thump from far off in the mountains, then Matt flies
out from them, coming to an ungraceful landing before the camera.]
MATT: Never works.
[End flashback.]
20. LIVING ROOM.
SUZY: But how do they change back?
BOBBI: Pour hot water on them - watch this.
[She picks up a kettle (this is just like the Ranmaverse -
everyone carries tea kettles, buckets of water, hammers, etc all the
time as a matter of course), and splashes the arguing Sigmatomes with
it. It misses Ratbat, but Len returns to his human form.]
LEN: Mrowf raggaahh...[realises what a twat he looks doing this as a
human and trails off]
BOBBI: Len-kun, Ratbat-chan...sit down.
[They take their seats once more, shooting glares at each other
all the way. Meanwhile, Niki has drawn Fiona aside.]
NIKI: We have to decide which one of us is going to marry Ratbat.
FIONA: But...she's a girl!
NIKI: Doesn't matter. This is sen-ku-hyaku-kyu-ju-go-en. People marry
hydroinduced physiotranssexuals all the time. Besides, you think Haha's
going to let a little curse stop her obsession?
[Fiona isn't too hot on the idea.]
FIONA: OK, then... Ja, what we should do is--
NIKI: Suzy.
FIONA: Nani?
NIKI: Suzy should marry him, and they can manage the dojo.
FIONA: But surely with your financial skills, you would b--
NIKI: But with you gone, Mum wouldn't know what to do with herself.
[Fiona blinks. She's not sure if she just caught all of this.]
FIONA: Ummm...right.
[They sit back down.]
BOBBI: Well, Ratbat...I don't see this being much of a problem. Now
- which one of my daughters do you want to marry?
RATBAT: Ja...aaa...hrm. Watashi...han.
FIONA: Actually, Okaasan - we've elected that Suzy should be
Ratbat's josei.
RATBAT & SUZY: NANI? Wait, don't I get a say in...
[They trail off, surprised at their unison.]
LEN: Ah! Well, that's great, then. Want to play some shogi, Bobbi?
BOBBI: OK.
[Suzy gets to her feet.]
SUZY: Mate-yo!!!
BOBBI: Hm?
SUZY: I'm not marrying this hentai!
RATBAT: Watashi wa hentai desuka?!
SUZY: Hai - you ogled me when I was naked!
RATBAT: 'Ogled'? I'd 'ardly say 'ogled'! 'Sides, you were ogling me,
an' all!
SUZY: Like I had much to ogle on you.
RATBAT: Like I did.
[Ratbat puts her chest forward at Suzy.]
RATBAT: Face it, tomodachi, ye're no about to win any Buxom Wench of
the Year awards 'round here, is it now?
SUZY: Don't give yourself too much credit. Nerf! [As in 'Hmph!']
[She turns to leave, as Ratbat does in the other direction. Suzy,
however, faces her sisters.]
SUZY: Why the fuck am I marrying him? Her. Hermirer. Kuso.
NIKI: Democracy, dear imoto. We elected you.
SUZY: But you don't even know if I'm into boys!
FIONA: Then that won't matter, because Ratbat's half-onna.
SUZY: But what if I'm not into girls?!
FIONA: That's all right. Ratbat is half-otoko.
[Suzy just shakes her head and storms past them.]
SUZY [Annoyed]: Aaaaaa...watashi wa okotta da...I'm going to take my
bath now...
21. RATBAT'S DEN.
[Bobbi ushers a bitching Ratbat into this, her new room, then
leaves her to it. She starts shedding bits of jewellery and stuff.]
RATBAT: Och, we dinna like Ratti when we find out she's a guy, do
we? She seemed to like me when I was just a girl...still, I guess
there's that whole 'forced engagement' concept. She'd actually be quite
nice if she...hmm. Not think like that just yet.
[She runs a hand through her hair.]
RATBAT: Gurl, that pond could do with a wash. Or I could now, at any
rate.
[Shedding bits of clothing, she takes her towel and heads for the
bathroom.]
22. BATHROOM.
[Ratbat enters, discarding her last bits of clothing as she comes.
She looks between the shower and the bath, considering her choice. She
decides on the shower, and starts towards it...]
[...just as Suzy emerges. Stunned, they look at each other. (I
could say who really is the better built, but that's for fan speculation
and reader's polls.)Cut to the door. Suddenly, there is a thump, and
Ratbat flies back against it.]
SUZY: Onna-hentai.
23. LIVING ROOM.
[Len and Bobbi are drinking scotch and playing shogi. (They do
this a lot, can anyone tell?) They barely look up as Suzy and Ratbat-kun
storm in. Both are slightly wet. Ratbat is wearing Chinese silk night
attire. Suzy has Totoro pyjamas. They are locked in verbal combat.]
SUZY: You could have waited until I'd finished!!
RATBAT: You were!
SUZY: I mean gone!! Gone finished! Left! Ikimashita!
RATBAT: Eh, I needed a shower an' all! You didn't have to hit me,
kawaikune-sama!
SUZY: I will do in a moment!
[Fiona comes in and picks up the glasses from the table.]
RATBAT: Face it, ye're jealous of my body!
SUZY: Nani?! In your dreams, hentai!
[Follow Fiona out to...]
24. KITCHEN.
[We can still hear Suzy and Ratbat going at it in the other room.
Fiona takes the glasses to be washed.]
FIONA: How sweet - it's almost as if they're married already.
END CREDITS.
[Playing Platonic Tsuranuite.]
Sigmatome Ratbat
URAC SIGMA
Tendo Suzy
SUZY STYLES
Tendo Bobbi
ROBYN SCHOLES
Tendo Niki
NIKI O'BRIEN
written by
URAC SIGMA
additional material
SUZY STYLES
creation and development
URAC SIGMA
SUZY STYLES
EUAN BOWEN
LEILA FETTER
with apologies to
TAKAHASHI RUMIKO
� Recycadelic Cacti MCMXCVI