On Sat, 25 Jan 1997, Andrew Huang wrote:
Again, I'm not too happy with this chapter. Please, C&C would
really be appreciated for this one.
"I had a great time tonight, Nabiki." Takeshi smiled across the
table. The candlelight danced in his eyes.
table, the candlelight dancing in his eyes. Hmm, tense change, erk, um
Nabiki." The candlelight danced in
Takeshi's eyes as he smiled across the table.
dream," she muttered to herself. <Now, if my heart would just stop
palpitating like that....> She shook herself. <What brought that on?
There's no way.... I've known him for such a short time! Really.... I
guess I'm just spending too much time around him.>
Ooo, this must be what you were talking about, cause we're headed for a
clear fulfillment of SIOF prime directive #2: Nabiki/Kasumi/Ukyou/Kodachi
(where did that one come from? :>) must fall in love with new character.
<Funny...in the last week, the two of us have been eating out a lot
lately.> Nabiki was known for her ability to cadge free meals from
^^^^^ - I had to look this
one up! My dictionary says "BEG, SPONGE". Perhaps finagle might work
better? ("to use devious and often dishonest methods to achieve one's
ends" - also Swindle).
"Like she always does. *ite* My face must be completely red. So,
^^^^^ For the Japanese, sound words are just
like regular words, so you could use "Like she always does. Ite! My
face . . .".
She did enjoy his company, that was clear enough. He was bright,
witty, and sensitive. A really great guy.... So, he was year younger.
It didn't matter to her. And even though she had been taking advantage
of him a bit, he didn't really seem to mind. <He's just so loaded, he
doesn't care. And....> Takeshi appeared to also enjoy going out with
Nabiki.
Um, gee, Takeshi is just so WONDEFUL. Perhaps a tad too much? :)
"I'd say I picked it up about three days ago."
Kasumi perhaps a little OOC with the way this statement is? Perhaps keep
it in airhead, like "Oh, I've noticed it for a few days now."
"Iie. They've been too preoccupied with other matters to notice."
"Iie, I think they've been too busy with other things to notice." - it
seems very stilted and suscinct for Kasumi speech, I don't know how to
better express this, but Kasumi's lines sound more like something Nabiki
might say.
off a faint, greenish-blue glow.
Oh, well, another SOIF problem - otaku suddenly develops super powers,
special abilities, etc.
"Hmm. I wonder...." Takeshi scratched his head. He put both of his
hands out in front of him, closed his eyes, and said, in a tight
voice, "Shishi...houkouDAN!"
<C&Cer hides behind hands, peeks out, sighs desperately, and reads on,
hoping for the promised justification at the end :>
"They didn't tell you?" Nabiki shook her head. "Oh. Well.... I found out
why Jen hadn't written me at all until now." A pause. "Shortly before I
left...she...'met' a guy...." Nabiki looked up, her interest extremely
piqued now. "Now that I think about it, she was acting a little
strangely those few days. Anyways--apparently, she didn't know what to
those last few days before I left.
"Arigato.... Your concern touches me." Takeshi gave a small smile.
Hmm, that sounds a bit cold and clinical, sort of like what Data would
say, or Spock - "Your concern touches me." Oh, you want to know what I
would suggest? My clock says 7:37pm, my nose is clogged with this bloody
cold I have, and I just ate 8 pieces of pizza - that's right, "the
obvious solution is left as an interesting exercise for the diligent
student to discover on their own." My, I hated professors who said things
like that, I wouldn't be asking for help in the first place if I didn't
need it! grrr ^_^
Takeshi nodded. "Definitely. I remember Ranma telling me a while
ago that you were capable only of loving money. I'm glad that you
proved him wrong."
"I think...I think that a lot of people think that about me...."
"Well, I'm not one of them. Especially not now. There's a lot more
to you than just money. I can see that clearly, more than ever. And...
you know, I'm kind of flattered that you actually like me." It was
You know, ever since I saw Nabiki in shorts, well, ahem, anyway. "The
Redemption Of Nabiki" is a very popular theme these days, can't say I
disagree, but then again, there's not that many females to pick from -
what is it that people say, there are only 10 great themes in literature,
and all writers are bound to repeat them, so its only in the details that
we distinguish ourselves (how vaguely depressing, almost as depressing as
the notion that all the good music that can be written has been written).
Nabiki thought that over for a few moments, then, said, "Is that....
er...Sh-Sheksperu?"
Sh-Sheksperu looks more like stuttering, better just to have her get the
name slightly wrong (my two cents :). Also, dropping into romajii to show
how she mispronounced it doesn't feel like it flows quite wrong (this is
in the department of it doesn't feel right to me, I can't really say why,
but if it sounds good to you, no problem :).
"Nabiki? Keep the money. You earned it, fair and square."
Argh! Now he reads minds? "We are now descending into the depths of the
otaku fanfic. Nabiki has fallen in love with the otaku, but been
rejected, the otaku has exhibited ki abilities and telepathic abilities -
next stop - fixing the big one, getting Ranma and Akane together!" "Damn
it, Jim, I'm a test technician, not a really good C&Cer! I canna perfurm
meeracules, cap'n, she's breakin oop! Hull integrity at 15%, structural
collapse is imminent . . ." ^ ^
Yes, another "Nabiki falls in love" story, but hopefully nothing
Well, at least yous admits you did a bad ting. Not as funny as the first,
I think it is because this chapter gets a bit too "god otaku journeys to
Nerima to fix all" in it. Sigh. How to fix this, I see the core of what
you were trying, and its good, some parts were just too "Takeshi is so
wonderful" (right, like I would badmouth myself in a fanfic that had me in
it). You need to offer something more to the reader, I mean, getting
dumped by his girlfriend stateside just isn't all that effective a dump on
your character when you are showing Nabiki drooling all over him at the
same time. Of course, a core problem here is, you are going from the
perspective of, if I was here and knew these people this much, what would
I do in this situation? Only you can answer that question, since you are
basing much of Takeshi on yourself. Still, drop the ki glow, perhaps have
Nabiki come in and see him really depressed, and have him make some quip
to her like "Am I glowing yet?". With the money, have her meet him in the
hallway with the money in her hand, THEN have him say keep it. Tone down
the Nabiki thinking all the wonderful things about him parts, sheesh,
remember its not the self-insertion part that people hate about otaku
fanfics, its that they always end up doing the same things - so do it a
little different, find an unexplored interesting twist and give us
something new to read! You're right, this chapter needs a bit more work,
hope my comments are some help. As with all I say, feel free to ignore
and toss what you don't like. ^ ^ With my own fanfics, I do the first
writing while I'm basking in the glory of how wonderful what I am writing
is so I can stand to put it on paper, then the first edit is strictly for
spelling grammar, then I go through it while I utterly hate it and think
it is crap, but keep a firm grip on myself and try to not make many
changes, then I put on some appropriate music, force myself into a
writting mood and edit it a few times while I still like what I did.
Sheesh, the desire to write must be closely tied to some sort of mental
neurosis or some such, if I read this tomorrow I will think I sounded like
a complete baboon. Story of my life, cold analytical engineering side
always disliking passionate, creative side. ^_^ Ja ne!
Charles K. Hurst - ImageNation Corp. Wage Slave/Employee - RPI graduate-MechE
Chocolate and Anime Forever! 1 year, 6 months a fan and counting.
MI = eps. 96 MB = eps. 76 - 0/0 episodes each to utter boredom or Fushigi!
FY = eps. 28 Escaflowne = eps. 26 - 24/0 to my next bout of depression. ^ ^