In the not too distant present
Deep in Shallow 15
Leifker, Mills and Willmore
Were plotting a glorious scheme
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Dark Streamline A.D. Viz-ion Image Entertainment presents...
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Using the Anti-Senshi to
Review the 'fics of authors who
Needed to learn some ettiquette
So they rounded up the Senshi
And away they went...
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A "Not-Bloody-Likely" Production
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"We'll send 'em chintzy fanfics
The ones that hurt the brain.
The girls'll sit and watch them all
And slowly go insane."
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Yet another offering from
the Anything-Goes School of Indiscriminate Fanfic Writing
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Now keep in mind we can't control
How well some authors write
But if this thing goes off as planned
We'll make 'em see the light...
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Senshi Role Call...
Jimbo Viles as Sailor Critic!
(We see a redhead with meatball-style ponytails standing at the front.
She is wearing a red-and-blue sailor fuku, cut short in typical
magical-girl style.)
Joy Plains as Sailor Slacker!
(This girl actually looks normal. Shoulder-length blond hair frames a
smooth, elfin face, while her slender body is covered in a t-shirt and
jeans.)
Patricia Collier as Sailor Spam!
(There's a reason why this girl was nicknamed 'Foxtrot'. Auburn hair
reaches down to her waist, and pointed fox's ears stick out from her
head. Intense green eyes stare out at the world, and her sinewy frame is
clothed in green combat fatigues.)
Mick Leiter as Sailor Sadist!
(Imagine a youma general in a black sailor fuku after downing Pan
Galactic Gargle Blasters mixed with pure Jusenkyo water, and you come close
to her. Her long blue-and-white hair is tied back in a ponytail, while
pointed ears and frighteningly reptilian reddish eyes intimidate even the
most hardy of souls.)
And...Rob Orock as Sailor Sig!
(Think Ranma-chan in a green sailor fuku. Not difficult, huh? Now get
your mind out of the gutter. You're blocking my view.)
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If you're wondering if this things legit
Or just some unjustified hacks
Then repeat to yourself "It's just a 'view
I should really just relax."
For
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M Y S T E R Y A N T I - S E N S H I T H E A T R E 3 4 7 3 1/2
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written by Nick Leifker, Erin Mills and Chris Willmore
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[Cut to the SOS (Satellite of Senshi). Everyone's favorite gender-benders
are in attendance.)
Critic: Hello, everyone, and welcome to Mystery Anti-Senshi Theatre 3473
1/2! I'm one of your hosts, Jimbo Viles -
Spam: Correction - WERE Jimbo Viles, before those damn cursed wands had
their fun...
Critic: Ahem. As I was saying...I am Jimbo Viles, AKA Sailor Critic.
With me are Sailor Spam...
Spam (waves): Hello.
Critic: ...Sailor Slacker...
Slacker (kawaii voice): Hi, everybody!
Critic: ...Sailor Sadist...
Sadist (ominously): Greetings...
Critic: And...Sailor Sig.
Sig: Hey. So, why are we here anyway? Shouldn't we be working on TGACFH?
Sadist: Welll...right now Chris, Erin, and Nick are busy with their own
projects, so they asked us to do this while they work on them.
Spam: Sure...while they're out writing some stupid 'fic about Ranma in a
dress, we're here doing nothing. (looks over to Sig) You know, if we
wanted to try that...
Sig: Oh, no you don't! I have enough of an identity crisis as it is!
Critic: ENOUGH, people! (A red light on the counter begins blinking) The
boys are calling. (She hits the light.)
[Cut to Shallow 15. Nick, Erin, and Chris are there. Erin is dressed like
Dr. Clayton Forrester, right down to the neon green lab coat and frizzled
hair. Nick is done up like TV's Frank; black chauffeur's outfit and a
godawful blonde wig. Chris is dressed as Torgo, sporting a cheesy moustache
and dirty Austrailian Outback hiking gear.)
Erin: Ah, ladies. So nice to see you. How are you today?
Sadist: Plotting your extremely painful demise.
Erin: So nice to see you too, Sadist. Well, lab rat--er--ladies, tonight's
cinematic suppository is a self-aggrandizing, ego-stroking, unfunny,
unneccessary sewer reject entitled 'You Can't Do That On Japanese
Television,' by the formerly reputable Chris Schumacher.
Slacker: Waitasec...I thought Mihoshi did that one.
Nick: She did. This guy apparantly tried to copy her. From what I
understand, 'hoshi wasn't too thrilled...
Chris: That's an understatement.
Slacker: And Mihoshi was such a nice girl at A-Kon...I'm sorry to see her
upset about something.
Spam (brandishing prod): So...we get to roast this thing?
Chris: No. You make nice, constructive commentary here and there. (eyes
Sadist warily) Got that?
Sadist (glumly): I got it...Anyway, let's get on with it. I've gotta
practice that scene with Haruka in an hour.
Other Anti-Senshi: HARUKA?!?
Sadist: Hey, I don't write this! I just follow the script!
Critic: Enough, people! Let's just start the show, okay? I prefer to
have as few nightmares as possible, thank you very much.
Sig: Then why are we doing this?
[In Shallow 15, the boys hold up some videotapes, each marked with one of
the Anti-Senshi's names.]
Erin: We got a good deal from Nabiki. Put the hurt on 'em, Nick.
[Nick presses the 'on' button, the girls rush into the theatre.]
As usual, I'm no longer subbed because it almost crashed my school
server. So, C&C cced to kensu@pathcom.com would be apprecaited.
-Begin-
Minako Rules!
Critic: C&C? Oh, he's just ASKING for trouble, isn't he?
Notice: There was a similar fanfic to this called 'You Can't Do That
On Ranma 1/2!', and although it had spirit, I didn't particulary like
it for several reasons. Since the first time I read it, I kept a list in
my head of things that would have made the fic better. I finally decided
to write them down, and discovered that I had enough material to write
my own version of this crossover. Henceforth, I am doing so. If you
think this sounds ludicrous, forget not that there are currently three
BGC/Ranma crossovers, two YCDTOT/Ranma 1/2 fics is tame by comparison.
Sadist: Uh...can Chris count?
Sig: Why?
Critic: If I recall, there's four BGC/Ranma 'fics. There's Jusenkyuu
Crisis, Bubblegum Splash...Sadist, do you remember the others? I
can't think of the names.
Sadist: Let's see...there's RanmaPunk 2033...and that one where the
Knight Sabers get Jusenkyo curses. I forget the name, though...The
Oddysey?
Critic: Er...no. Anyway, let's get on with it. This thing's making me
nervous already.
You Can't Do That On Japanese Television!
Sig (wearily): Maybe it's just me, but any country that would have an
aquatransexual as a main character on a show could probably get away with
anything.
[Cut to the office of the President of Nickoldeon. Sitting at the desk
is the fatcat himself, across from his is his wormy assistant.]
Critic: [waving her pen around in the air] RED INK SPELLING CORRECTION
STRIKE-THROUGHS OF DEATH!
[What appear to be red lightning bolts shoot out from the make-shift wand,
singeing Sadist's hair-
Sadist: Hey!
[Okay, ALMOST singeing Sadist's hair before hitting the word 'Nickoldeon'.
There's a brief flash of red flame around the letters - when it subsides,
the word reads, 'Nickelodeon'.]
[All the anti-senshi, except for Critic, blink.]
Critic: [shrugs] I had to do SOMETHING. He mis-spelled the studio's name on
the first line of the 'fic.
Sig: Maybe he changed the name because didn't want to get sued?
Spam: [smirks] I think he just did it to irritate people. He's ALREADY
omitted the standard Takahashi disclaimer, and not credited Miho-chan by
name - looks like he WANTS to be sued.
Sadist: [eyes twinkling] Oooooooooh... He's a _masochist_? [She grins and
pulls a huge whip out of malletspace.] I might actually ENJOY this...
[Large beads of sweat form on the foreheads of the assembled anti-senshi.]
Slacker: [clears her throat] Let's... Uh... Get on with it, ne?
Critic: [nods] Agreed.
Fatcat: We have got to find a way to break into the Japanese
entertainment industry. Do you have any suggestions?
Worm: I don't know, sir, the Japanese already have a wide selection of
high quality programming for all of the applicable groups, so I don't
think there is much that we can do.
Fatcat: But what would make us any different than a Japanese group
attempting to make their way into the business?
Worm: Well, for one thing sir, their stuff is good..
Fatcat: [Anger] And are you saying ours isn't?!!!
[Worm takes flips a few pages in his portfolio.]
Worm: Rugrats, Ren&Stimpy, Doug...Need I go on?
Spam (charging prod): NOBODY disses Ren and Stimpy and gets away with it!
Critic (barking): SIT DOWN, Foxtrot, before we have to muzzle you!
Spam: Well, well, well... Looks like SOMEONE could use a moment or two with
the Happy Helmet...
[Fatcat sighs and leans back into his chair.]
Fatcat: We've just hit a slump, that's all.
Worm: Besides this, I don't know how the Japanese would react to a
show which featured American actors and was dubbed.
Fatcat: Why can't we use cartoons? Japanese and Americans look like
to them in those.
Critic: Look like *what*?
Worm: I'm afraid they have that market cornered, sir.
Fatcat: Hmmm....I got it! We set up shop in Japan, and use Japanese
actors!
Worm: An excellent idea sir, but we need a show to produce, first.
Fatcat: What do we have in the hopper?
Slacker: Dirty laundry?
Worm: [Flips pages] Clarissa Explains It All: Eastern Edition?
Fatcat: No...I don't think so.
Worm: The Tomorrow People: The Third Generation?
Fatcat: No, I don't think so. What about those shows we had during the
eighties? The ones that launched our station.
Worm: Double Dare?
Fatcat: Ugh, no!
Worm: Mister Wizard?
Fatcat: Nah, I always got the impression that he was a pedophile.
Worm: The Third-and-a-half eye?
Fatcat: Can we stop with the British Imports?
Worm: Hey, here's a good one! You Can't Do That On Television, the
Canadian import!
Fatcat: Ugh, that went to hell with the second generation.
Worm: We could use the cast from a famous defunct Japanese show to
host it.
Fatcat: Oh, which one? Urusei Yatsura?
Worm: No, they're doing Infomericals...
Fatcat: Maison Ikkoku?
Worm: Too old. I was thinking Ranma 1/2.
Fatcat: Ugh! I hate that series. All the characters are two dimensional
and lame, there's no character development at all, it started looking
like Doctor Who near the end...
Sadist: What was that about two-dimensional, lame characters and British
Imports?
Worm: They'll work for Minimum Wage.
Fatcat: Hire them!
All: (Singing) MINIMUM WAAAAGE! (Sadist cracks her whip) HEEYA!
Worm: But who are we going to get to write the episodes? I don't know
of any self-respecting author who would write something like THIS.
Spam: I know of one...
Sadist: I don't think Schumacher respects *anything*, let alone himself.
Sig: *snore*....
Critic: Could someone please wake Rob up? I know this may not be Right
Place, but we still need to go through this!
[Fatcat picks up the reciever on his phone.]
Fatcat: I know just the guy, Chris Schumacher. He wrote a Parker
Lewis/Ranma 1/2 fanfic a few years ago. People say he's wised up since
then, but I doubt it.
Worm: Parker Lewis and Ranma 1/2? What, is the guy insane?
Fatcat: Of course not! He's just a little eccentric, is all.
Spam (smiling): No, no! Insane was the right word.
Sadist: [pulls out a thesaurus] Hrm... There's sick, crazed, lunatic,
daft, 'non corpos mentis', disoriented, unhinged, unbalanced, brainsick,
touched, witless...
Critic: We get the point, Sadist. Still...this does not bode well for our
hapless author. He has committed the ultimate sin.
Sadist: Having sex with Cologne and Happousai all at once?
Critic (shudders for a moment): No...but that's pretty bad. I recommend
counseling, Mick. Anyway...he has written...a self-insertion 'fic.
Others: *gasp*!
Slacker: Burn 'im!
Critic (maniacal grin): Now, now, Slacker...let's collect more evidence
before we set up the lynch mob.
-=-
[Cut to a bare room. Most of the room is dominated by a bathtub filled
with a caustic yellow liquid. Two men in grey suits are dumping a
sand-filled black body bag into the pool. As it falls in, we see the
liquid burning it apart. It's obviously an extremely corrosive acid.
In the background are several stretchers, upon one lies a figure. The
two men watch the thing dissolve and don't notice it when the figure
gets off the stretch. He is wearing a coat with a motley mix of colors.
He has curly yellow hair and looks to be in his forties. He walks over
to the two men and stands behind them.]
CoatGuy: You wouldn't believe the dream I had...
[One of the men jumps and screams, he trips over the side of the acid
bath and plunges in, screaming. The other man starts to grapple with
the man in the coat, but he finally succeeds in knocking the other man
into the bath. He then wipes off his jacket.]
Sadist: Oh no...not a Doctor Who cameo...
Critic: Even worse, he borrowed the scene from "Vengeance of Varos", a
Colin Baker episode! How revolting! It's bad enough he can't write his
own scenes, but did he have to put in _that_?
Sig (still asleep): *snore*....
Spam (looks at Sig): For about the only time in my life, I envy you, Rob.
CoatGuy: You'll forgive me if I don't join you.
[Suddenly we hear hilarous laughter. A quick pull back reveals that
this scene was being shown on a TV. Sitting on the floor before the
TV is a man in his late teens, with dark brown hair and brown eyes.
A pair of silver glasses is perched upon his face. He continues to
laugh even though the scene is long over. Suddenly, the phone rings.
Chris grumbles and hits pause and picks up the phone.]
Chris: Schumacher mortuary, you stab 'em, we slab 'em.
Spam: Yep, rotting corpses definitely come to mind with this one.
Voice: Hello, Chris? This is your old pal _____, I have a proposition
for you...
Slacker: He would leave the names out...
Sadist: Would you want *your* name associated with him?
Slacker: Good point.
-=- -=-
[Cue opening credits. It's a very weird event. It has the kid
manufacturing plant like in the real credits, but the music for the
ADPolice Files plays in the background. We also notice that instead of
the actual hosts of the show, we see members of the Ranma cast. The scene
ends with Soun attempting to stop a mob of kids from entering the dojo. A
hand lowers a stamp onto his face. As the stamp is taken up, we see Soun's
screaming face and the words 'You Can't Do That On Japanese
Television!' The image crumbles and it cuts to the usual set for YCDTOT.
There is a huge green platform, and a bunch of bluescreens behind them
which show a blue void with glass bubbles floating through it. Standing on
the platform are Akane, Chris, and Ranma. Chris is now wearing a
flannel jacket and is wearing a headset, he has a heavy tool belt, but
instead of tools, it contains pens and notebooks. He is currently
cleaning out his fingernails with a fountain pen.]
Sadist: I do believe Chris has actually found a talent!
Chris: Okay, you're on. Remember what NOT to say, alright?
Akane: Got it.
[Chris walks off the platform.]
Spam: Into oncoming traffic, I hope...
Critic: Be patient. I know works like this cause mild abdominal pain, but
it will be over soon...
Sadist: Try brain aneurysms.
Akane: Welcome to the first episode of You Can't Do That On Japanese
Television. A program in Japan made by an American company based on
a show from Canada.
Ranma: I'm surprised you were able to remember all that, I would think
that your primitive instincts would override your ability to memor...
AHHHH!!!
Critic: Gotta call OOC here. Ranma would never sound this eloquent.
Slacker: Uh...weren't you the one who had him quoting Shakespeare?
[Akane has punched him, and he flies up into the ceiling. As he falls
back his clothes get snagged on a catwalk. Chris rushes on.]
Chris: Wait just a minute, that wasn't in the script!
Akane: The script sucks, Ranma was talking like he had more than his
usual two brain cells working!
All: HUZZAH!
Chris: So I took a little license with the characters, it isn't as much
as the others do!
Spam: Yes, the others actually come up with a pretty decent story.
Akane: We have to be IN character, or else we won't work!
Chris: Fine! [He pulls out the script and does a quick fix with the
fountain pen he was cleaning his nails with.] Okay, now do it. Ranma,
get down here!
[With a CLUNK! Ranma falls to the ground. He gets up woosily and walks
over to Akane.]
Akane: Okay, today the theme of the show is individuality....
Ranma: No, the theme of the show is Omoidega Ippai! Water!
Slacker: WHAT?!
[Water dumps from the sky and Ranma turns into Ranma-chan. Suddenly
Kasumi and Ukyo appear out of nowhere, and they start to sing...But
Akane waves her hands and the music grinds to a halt]
Akane: Enough of that, they're be no singing while I'm around! [Points
to Kasumi and Ukyo] You two, out! And Ranma, change back!
Sadist:(singing) Attaaack of the British Imports...
Ranma-chan: How?
[Chris walks on and throws coffee on Ranma-chan, turning her back
into Ranma. He smiles and walks off the set.]
Akane: Anyway, today's episode is about individuality...
Critic: Pardon me, but if Chris is "inspired" to write this work based on
someone else's 'fic, how could the theme of it be individuality? It looks
to me like he's just trying to copy Mihoshi's work.
Spam (opening one of the vomit bags the theater came with): And failing...
miserably. Excuseme- HOOOOYLLLLE!
[Suddenly Akane and Ranma are floating in a starfield.]
Akane: What the....
Ranma: Cool, we're floating!
Slacker: This is your brain. This is your brain on seriously bad fanfics.
Any questions?
[Chris walks onto the starfield.]
Chris: Sorry about that, we're having a bit of trouble with the blue-
screen. Scotty, load up the usual background!
[It suddenly changes to a video of the Motley Crue tour.]
Akane: Well, that's no good, can we...
[Akane stares at Chris, who is dancing and singing <horribly off key>
to Doctor Feelgood.]
Sadist: I'd tell you not to quit your day job, but you're worse at that.
Akane: All right, that's enough, switch to a sketch!
Spam: What, can you draw better than you can write?
Sig: *zzzzzz*....
[The image grows smaller and flips over and off the screen, another
smaller images grows to fill the screen. <Scene shifts will not be
explained from now on.> The scene is the family room set. Sitting at
the Dad chair is Genma. Sitting on the couch and knitting is Nodoka.
Ranma comes in.]
Ranma: Hey, I've decided I want to be a prize fighter!
Genma: Are you sure you want to do that son? In those prize fights the
competitors have been known to get rather mean, why the other day
when I was watching it and the winner broke the losers arm!
Ranma: But I'm not going to enter the males arena, I'm going to always
fight as Ranko Tendo.
Nodoka: That's nonsense, dear. You can't fight as well as a girl.
Ranma: But I trained as a boy, so I'd be a lot stronger.
Genma: He does have a point there, Nodoka.
Nodoka: Dear, don't encourage him!
[Silence. Crickets chirp.]
Slacker: Er...was this supposed to be funny?
Sadist: [Grabs a cricket and starts munching on it.] Who knows. It's so
difficult to tell with this.
-=- -=- -=-
[Cut back to the platform. Ranma and Akane are now standing in what
appers to be C&C from Babylon 5. Chris walks in.]
Chris: I think we've got it fixed. Okay, Scotty, fire it up.
[The background changes back to the blue void. Chris breathes a sigh of
relief.]
Chris: Good, now that that's over, get on with it.
[Chris walks off the stage.]
Akane: Anyway, as I was saying, today's showing is about individuality.
You see, people shouldn't attempt to be like other people, they should
all try to be themselves.
Ranma: That's completely true. After all, would you want to be a macho
chick like Akane here?
Spam: After all, would you want to be a horrible writer like Chris here?
Critic: You know, I've noticed a pattern about his works...
Slacker: What's that?
Critic: He seems to thrive on these self-insertion 'fics. He seems to get
some ego stroking out of placing himself in dominion over these poor,
hapless characters.
Sadist: You mean like the TGACFH! authors with us?
Critic: ....
[Cut to Shallow 15 where the boys are sitting around a computer terminal
wearing innocent expressions and T-shirts that say "Fanfic God."]
Nick, Erin and Chris: We have no idea what you're talking about.
[Akane socks Ranma and knocks him into the bluescreen. The image
ripples a bit, and a gaping hole appears in it. Chris walks back onto the
set and sighs.]
Chris: This set was almost 20 years old, do you know how pissed
those Canadians are going to be!
Ranma: What are they going to do, hunt you down and beat you with a
hockey stick?
Sadist: [With a twinkle in her eye.] Now THERE'S an idea whose time has
come. [Maniacal giggling ensues.]
Chris: Oh, you forget Ranma, I've lived with them. They can be REAL
vicious! Ed, switch to another sketch while we get the bluescreen fixed.
-=- -=-
[Cut to Barf's. Ranma, Ukyo, and Nabiki are sitting at the table.
Nabiki is typing away at a calculator.]
Ranma: What are you doing?
Nabiki: I'm figuring out the amount of money I can get by blackmailing
Barf. I'm sure the Health Department would loved to get a look at this
place.
Critic: "Would *LovED*?"
Ukyo: Hey, that reminds me, didn't a health inspector come here the
other day? I'm surprised he didn't shut this place down.
Nabiki: Maybe Barf paid him off.
Ranma: I don't think so, I think I know why he didn't report back
anything to the Health Department.
Nabiki: Oh, why?
[Ranma takes the crown off of his hamburger.]
Ranma: What do you think is in the burgers.
[The window to the kitchen opens and Barf looks out.]
Barf: Ahh, I heard that. [He holds up a wallet and opens it to show
the badge of a Health Inspector] And it's true!
Spam (opens up vomit bag again): Pardonm--BRRRAAAKKK!
-=- -=- -=-
[Cut to the Firing Squad set. The executioner stands beside the post,
with Nabiki in front.]
Executioner: Okay, ready, aim....Hey, wait a minute... [Turns to
Nabiki] Aren't you going to try to get out of this?
Nabiki: No.
Sadist: If I were in this, I'd tell them to hurry up and get it over with.
Executioner: What do you mean, no? We can't have a sketch if you
don't try to get out of your execution.
Nabiki: I've accepted my fate. Could you please get on with the
execution? I am getting a bit tired.
Executioner: Ahh...Okay. Ready, aim....Say, do you any last requests?
Nabiki: Oh yes, I would request that you make out your will.
Executioner: Oh, why's that?
Nabiki: Because I paid off your gunmen. Ready, Aim, FIRE!
[There are a bunch of shots and the Executioner starts to go down.]
Executioner: That is one sneaky kid...
Critic: Such inspiring last words...it brings a tear to your eye.
Sadist: This entire work has brought tears to my eyes. I'll have to
download all of Lawson's home page just to put this miserable junk out of
my head.
-=- -=- -=-
[Cut to the Bus Scene. Ranma, Akane, Ukyo, and Ryouga are sitting in
the first two seats, right behind Snakeeyes.]
Akane: Anyway, and by the time I was nine I was able to break bricks.
Ukyo: Wow, I could break bricks until I was 11.
Spam: And you can't now?
Ryouga: I was always able to do it with my umbrella.
[Slacker's eyes widen.]
Slacker: [nosebleeding] Ryouga was... with his...
Spam: DOWN, hentai!
[Slacker collapses.]
Critic: Overdose of ecchi thoughts from an ambiguosly-phrased line. We
won't be seeing HER for a while.
Ranma: I was able to break bricks when I was five.
[Ranma turns towards the front.]
Ranma: Hey, Snakeeyes, did you ever learn any martial arts?
Snakeeyes: I'm afraid not, Ranma. I never had time for it when I was
a kid. Always busy doing schoolwork and such...
Akane: Oh, but you don't know what you're missing! You haven't lived
until you've been able to smash a brick, or splinter a board!
Snakeeyes: Oh, I can do that just fine.
Ranma: You can break bricks?
Snakeeyes: Of course I can. Want to see me do it?
Ranma: Sure.
[Snakeeyes spins the wheel and suddenly there is a thud and we see a
bunch of bricks fly by the bus.]
Snakeeyes: See, I don't need no martial arts to break bricks, now sit
down and shut up!
Sig (still asleep): *snore*....
-=- -=- -=-
[Cut to the platform. After a few flashes the bluescreen is back in
business with the blue void.]
Akane: Wow, he actually managed to fix it!
Critic: [frowning] It'd take a MIRACLE to fix this piece.
Sadist: How about Miracle-Whip? [She pulls out her customary weapon.]
Spam: [eyeing Mick nervously] You're REALLY eager to use that, aren't you?
Sadist: [innocently] Moi?
Critic: You may just get your chance. Guess who's about to reappear?
[Chris comes onto the platform.]
Chris: Yep, there's nothing a little Canadian know-how can't fix. I
had my doubts, but I tell you, this show is turning out great!
Sadist: Two questions. First of all, what has he been smoking, and
secondly, where can I get some?
Slacker: You know, that would explain his writing ability...
[Chris whistles and walks off.]
Ranma: He was acting pretty weird.
Akane: Well, you know what that means. This is...
Both Of Them: Just the introduction to the opposite sketches.
Spam: You mean we might actually get to see some GOOD writing?
-=- -=- -=-
[Cut to the Front Door Scene. Ranma pushes the doorbell. After a few
moments the door opens and Soun comes out.]
Soun: Yes, can I help you, Ranma?
Ranma: Yes, sir. I need to see Akane.
Soun: I'm sorry, Ranma. I can't. I promised your father that we would
force our children not to marry against their will.
Ranma: But I love her!
Soun: Yes, and she loves you too. But we decided a long time ago that
you two wouldn't be fiancees.
Ranma: But I love her, she's so cute, and lovable, and...
Soun: I'm sorry, but I'm engaging her to Kunou. Good day.
[He slams the door. Ranma turns and looks into the camera.]
Ranma: I DO love her! I will fight my life just so we can...HAHAHAHA!!!
[He breaks out laughing. He starts rolling on the lawn with laughter.
Suddenly a barbell flies from offstage and hits him in the head.]
Akane's Voice: RANMA NO BAKA!!!!!!!
Sadist: I must be missing something here...
Spam: No, you're not. The only one missing anything here is Rob, and
she's asleep.
-=- -=- -=-
[Cut to the Librarian Scene. Akane comes to the counter with a stack of
books. As she slams them down the Librarian turns around and takes
off her headphones that are playing NIN.]
Librarian: Excuse me, young lady, are you going to check out ALL these
books? [Sorts throught them] A farewell to arms, My Fellow Man, War and
Peace?
Akane: Yes! I'm going to learn how to live in peaceful co-existence
with all the other inhabitants of planet Earth!
Librarian: Might I suggest, instead, this book 'How to maim a boy by
kicking him in the groin area' by H.M. Stationary Office?
Sadist: Yes, the sequel to their best selling sleep-aid 'U.K. Habitats of
the Canadian Goose.' Could we kill the British Import jokes already?
Slacker: 'Canadian Goose'...Y'know, that describes this fic pretty well.
Akane: No, I want these books! I'd never kick or punch a boy!
Librarian: How about this one 'How Not To Cook' by Kit Chen Enfire?
Akane: No, I know how to cook perfectly! My husband Ranma loves my
cooking!
Librarian: Now look, little girl, I will not allow you to take these
books out of the library, they will turn you into a misfit!
Akane: If that's the way you want to be about it, fine, I'll find
somewhere else to get them. Good day.
[Akane walks out whistling.]
-=- -=- -=-
[Cut back to the stage. Star Wars is showing on the bluescreen.]
Critic: At least they're showing something good, for a change.
Spam: Coming Jan. 31, 1997 Chris Schumacher rewrites George Lucas's
"Star Wars!"
Sadist: To quote from 'Empire': 'Don't make me destroy you.'
Ranma: Well, those were pretty weird.
Critic: Last time I checked, 'weird' wasn't a synonym for 'dull'.
Akane: You ain't seen NOTHING yet.
Spam: [tearing her hair out] You mean... There's... There's more?!?!?
[starts beating herself over the head with the cattle prod] I can't TAKE IT
ANYMORE!!! MAKE THE BAD FANFIC GO AWAY!!!
Next we have...LOCKER JOKES!
-=- -=- -=-
[Cut to a row of lockers. One of them opens up and Akane pops her
head out.]
Akane: Hey, Ranma.
[Ranma opens his locker.]
Ranma: Yes, Moose...er...Akane?
Sadist: He's so messed up by this he's having trouble telling the
difference.
Critic: Between a large horned quadruped and a Japanese girl with a temper?
Akane: Have you seen P-Chan lately?
Ranma: I don't know, I think I saw him at Barf's yesterday.
Akane: Oh? How did he look?
Ranma: A little undercooked.
[Both close their lockers. A few minutes later another locker opens,
and Ukyo sticks her head out.]
Ukyo: Hey, Shampoo.
[Shampoo opens her]
[Sailor Lemon sticks her head into the theatre.]
Lemon: Opens her *what?*
Spam: Who the hell are you?
Lemon: Oops! Sorry, I haven't been written into the fic yet. Gomen!
[She leaves. The Anti-Senshi look at each other nervously.]
Shampoo: What you want?
Ukyo: Did you know that Ranma took Akane shopping yesterday?
Shampoo: Did Ranma buy ugly girl anything?
Ukyo: Yeah, he bought her a nice pair of shoes.
Shampoo: Where?
Ukyo: Where else, the blacksmith. He even had them nailed on.
Critic (puts on pair of distinguished-looking eyeglasses): Such classic,
classic jokes! They remind me of the days when I was a young lad in
grade school....
Slacker: And they were just as lame then, too.
[They both close their lockers. Ranma's opens and he sticks his head
out.]
Ranma: Hey, Ucchan.
[Ukyo's opens.]
Ukyo: Yes, Ranchan?
Ranma: What do you call Ryouga, my dad, and Akane marching in single
file?
Ukyo: I don't know, what?
Ranma: The March Of The Pigs.
Ukyo: Heh.
[Both lockers close. Cut to a computer terminal, Stefan Gagne looks up
at the camera.]
Gagne: I heard that!
Spam: FINALLY they bring in a decent writer! Too bad he's only making a
cameo...
-=- -=- -=-
[Caption on screen: 'Classic Reenactment'. Ranma and Ryouga are
staring at a picture of The Thinker on the wall.]
Ryouga: I wonder what he's thinking about.
Ranma: He's probably wondering where he left his pants.
Sadist: Either that or he's still trying to find something funny in this...
-=- -=- -=-
[Cut back to the platform. The bluescreen is finally working correctly.]
Ranma: Who were the original participants of that last sketch?
Akane: I don't know.
[Green Slime dumps on Akane. Ranma starts laughing.]
Ranma: Ha! I can't believe you fell for it!
Akane: [Growl] RANMA!!!!!
[Ranma runs off the stage and Akane runs after him. Chris walks unto
the stage, a Pastrima sandwhich in one hand. He looks around.]
Slacker: Uh...isn't it spelled "pastrami"?
Critic: SHHHH!!!! Do you want him posting a corrected version of this?
Chris: Where did those two go off to?
[He turns and looks at the camera and starts. After a few moments he
waves.]
Chris: Hi, Mom. Hey, kids, make sure to watch Babylon 5. And go into
your mother's purse and get all the pictures of Andrew Jackson and
send them to me, care of this station.
Slacker: And people say kids don't learn anything from TV.
-=- -=- -=-
[Cut to the Bedroom Set. Ranma and Nabiki are sitting in the twin beds.
Both appear to be asleep. After a beat, Akane opens her eyes.]
Spam: Er...Where'd Akane come from if it's Ranma and Nabiki in the room?
Slacker: Does it matter?
Sadist: Maybe they're having an orgy...
Sig: *zzzzzz*....
Akane: Hey, Nabiki, you awake?
Nabiki: No, go to sleep.
Akane: Hey, what are we supposed to be talking about?
Nabiki: Nothing, Chris just put this scene in because he forgot the
name of the guy who owned the arcade, and he couldn't have the
Arcade sketch without that name.
Akane: Gee, that sucks.
Sadist: Right first time, Akane!
Nabiki: Shut up and go to sleep.
Spam: [poking Sig] Not too hard, if Rob here's any measure. Chris should
consider working for a pharmaceutical company. He'd make millions off the
'non-ingested sleeping pill'.
Akane: All right...
-=- -=- -=-
[Cut to the Classroom Set. Various members of the Ranma 1/2 cast are
sitting around the room in desks. Standing at the front is none other
than Chris, dressed up as Mr. Shitler.]
Spam: Now THERE'S the right word for this thing..Shi--
[Critic places a hand on her shoulder]
Critic: Let's just leave it at that, okay?
Shitler: Now, we all know that the Roman Empire fell because of many
reasons, most having to do with the dropping value of currency, the
corruption of the government, and loyality problems in the military.
So, what can we extrapolate from these as being a possible cause for
the fall of the British Empire?
Akane: The last three seasons of Monty Python?
Ranma: Sylvester McCoy as the Doctor?
Sadist: Hey, McCoy was cool! A lot better than that psychoboy Colin
Baker...
Gosunkugi: Imported Star Trek?
Daisuke: Northern Ireland?
Hiroshi: Kathy Ireland?
Shitler: No, no, no!!!! Haven't you learned anything?!
[He notices Akane laughing at a piece of paper in her hand. He flies
over and seizes it.]
Shitler: Well, Ms. Tendo, let's see how you would like to see this
little note being read to the class, hmmm? [He unfolds it] 'I sleep with
sheep.'
Critic (looks at the sheep comment): Where's Chris Willmore when you
need him...
[Cut to Shallow 15 where Chris stands holding a shepherd's crook amidst
a flock of stuffed toy goats.]
Chris: I have no idea what you're talking about.
[The whole class erupts into laughter.]
-=- -=- -=-
[Cut to the platform. Everything is as it should be.]
Akane: Well, that wraps up our first...
Chris: And last.
Akane: What?
Chris: I just got a call from the Japanese equivalent of Mrs. Mary
Whitehouse, she didn't like what she saw, and she wants the show
canceled. Since Americans are so used to caving in to those prigs, the
show is being pulled, sorry.
Critic: Thank the Maker for Mary Whitehouse!
Anti-Senshi: HALLELUJAH!
Sadist: [singing] o/~ Ding, dong, the 'fic is dead, the 'fic is dead, the
'fic is dead / Ding, dong, the wicked 'fic is DEAD! o/~
Akane: NO! I have to go back to be in those H-movies!
Ranma-Chan: And I have to go back to being Nuku-nuku,
WHAAAAAA!!!!!!
[The Credits roll as various members of the cast come out and complain.
After they finish rolling we see the usual man in the sound booth.]
Man: And make sure to be with us next week when Mr. Wizard97 takes
up this timeslot. See as Don Hebert and his youthful assistants create
a cold fusion generator with nothing more than a toolbox and a
refrigirator. [Pause] You know, I could have told you this show would
never take off, the Japanese are too smart to find juvenile things
like this funny.
Critic: So is everybody else on the planet.
What do you mean I'm still on the air?!
[He stares at the camera shocked.]
-==THE END
Sadist: [holding seppuku tanto] You mean...it's over? That round of HELL
is over?
Critic: Yep. Now, who should we kill first: Chris Schumacher for actually
writing the thing, or Nick Leifker, Erin Mills, and Chris Willmore for
making us watch it?
Slacker: Schumacher. The others can at least write marginally well.
-==>Kensu<==-
kensu@pathcom.com
'I came back from those holiest waters new,
remade, reborn, like a sun-wakened tree
that spreads new foliage to the spring dew
in sweetest freshness, healed of winter's scars;
perfect, pure, and ready for the Stars'
Dante: The Purgatorio: Canto 33; 142-6
Sadist: Nice bit of poetry here. In fact, it's the first good writing I've
seen. Unfortunately, the author's been dead for centuries.
Critic: Pity that 'fics like this don't die as easily. Well, boys, what did
you think?
[Cut to Shallow 15. Nick, Erin and Chris each hold up a hand with the
fingers in the "OK" position. They are smiling. As they speak, they lose
the smiles.]
Nick, Erin and Chris: It stinks!
[They press the 'off' button.]
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A few hours later...
Sig: Hey, guys? Sorry I nodded off...uh...guys?
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DISCLAIMERS: 'Mystery Science Theater 3000' concept copryright
(C) 1997 Best Brains, Inc. The opinions expressed in this review are the
sole products of the authors' diseased (yet tastefully-minded) brains.
'Ranma 1/2' was created by Rumiko Takahashi. 'The Uncanned Anti-Senshi'
were created by Joyce "Azusa" Meadows, Robma G. Orick, Trisha
Sebastian, John Walter Biles, and Nicholas Leifker. Developed by Erin
Mills, Christopher Willmore and Nicholas Leifker. If you're looking for
jokes here, forget it, the lawyers are too paranoid. This program is the
property of Dark Streamline A.D. Viz-ion Image Entertainment and
"Not-Bloody-Likely" Productions, LTD. Chris Schumacher is an insensitive
bloodsucking parasite on the face of fanfic society. MIHOSHI RULES!!!
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