As usual, I'm no longer subbed because it almost crashed my school server.
So, C&C cced to kensu@pathcom.com would be apprecaited.
-Begin-
Minako Rules!
Notice: There was a similar fanfic to this called 'You Can't Do That
On Ranma 1/2!', and although it had spirit, I didn't particulary like
it for several reasons. Since the first time I read it, I kept a list in
my head of things that would have made the fic better. I finally decided
to write them down, and discovered that I had enough material to write
my own version of this crossover. Henceforth, I am doing so. If you
think this sounds ludicrous, forget not that there are currently three
BGC/Ranma crossovers, two YCDTOT/Ranma 1/2 fics is tame by comparison.
You Can't Do That On Japanese Television!
[Cut to the office of the President of Nickoldeon. Sitting at the desk
is the fatcat himself, across from his is his wormy assistant.]
Fatcat: We have got to find a way to break into the Japanese
entertainment industry. Do you have any suggestions?
Worm: I don't know, sir, the Japanese already have a wide selection of
high quality programming for all of the applicable groups, so I don't
think there is much that we can do.
Fatcat: But what would make us any different than a Japanese group
attempting to make their way into the business?
Worm: Well, for one thing sir, their stuff is good..
Fatcat: [Anger] And are you saying ours isn't?!!!
[Worm takes flips a few pages in his portfolio.]
Worm: Rugrats, Ren&Stimpy, Doug...Need I go on?
[Fatcat sighs and leans back into his chair.]
Fatcat: We've just hit a slump, that's all.
Worm: Besides this, I don't know how the Japanese would react to a show
which featured American actors and was dubbed.
Fatcat: Why can't we use cartoons? Japanese and Americans look like to
them in those.
Worm: I'm afraid they have that market cornered, sir.
Fatcat: Hmmm....I got it! We set up shop in Japan, and use Japanese
actors!
Worm: An excellent idea sir, but we need a show to produce, first.
Fatcat: What do we have in the hopper?
Worm: [Flips pages] Clarissa Explains It All: Eastern Edition?
Fatcat: No...I don't think so.
Worm: The Tomorrow People: The Third Generation?
Fatcat: No, I don't think so. What about those shows we had during the
eighties? The ones that launched our station.
Worm: Double Dare?
Fatcat: Ugh, no!
Worm: Mister Wizard?
Fatcat: Nah, I always got the impression that he was a pedophile.
Worm: The Third-and-a-half eye?
Fatcat: Can we stop with the British Imports?
Worm: Hey, here's a good one! You Can't Do That On Television, the
Canadian import!
Fatcat: Ugh, that went to hell with the second generation.
Worm: We could use the cast from a famous defunct Japanese show to
host it.
Fatcat: Oh, which one? Urusei Yatsura?
Worm: No, they're doing Infomericals...
Fatcat: Maison Ikkoku?
Worm: Too old. I was thinking Ranma 1/2.
Fatcat: Ugh! I hate that series. All the characters are two dimensional
and lame, there's no character development at all, it started looking
like Doctor Who near the end...
Worm: They'll work for Minimum Wage.
Fatcat: Hire them!
Worm: But who are we going to get to write the episodes? I don't know
of any self-respecting author who would write something like THIS.
[Fatcat picks up the reciever on his phone.]
Fatcat: I know just the guy, Chris Schumacher. He wrote a Parker Lewis/
Ranma 1/2 fanfic a few years ago. People say he's wised up since then,
but I doubt it.
Worm: Parker Lewis and Ranma 1/2? What, is the guy insane?
Fatcat: Of course not! He's just a little eccentric, is all.
-=-
[Cut to a bare room. Most of the room is dominated by a bathtub filled
with a caustic yellow liquid. Two men in grey suits are dumping a
sand-filled black body bag into the pool. As it falls in, we see the
liquid burning it apart. It's obviously an extremely corrosive acid.
In the background are several stretchers, upon one lies a figure. The
two men watch the thing dissolve and don't notice it when the figure
gets off the stretch. He is wearing a coat with a motley mix of colors.
He has curly yellow hair and looks to be in his forties. He walks over
to the two men and stands behind them.]
CoatGuy: You wouldn't believe the dream I had...
[One of the men jumps and screams, he trips over the side of the acid
bath and plunges in, screaming. The other man starts to grapple with
the man in the coat, but he finally succeeds in knocking the other man
into the bath. He then wipes off his jacket.]
CoatGuy: You'll forgive me if I don't join you.
[Suddenly we hear hilarous laughter. A quick pull back reveals that
this scene was being shown on a TV. Sitting on the floor before the
TV is a man in his late teens, with dark brown hair and brown eyes.
A pair of silver glasses is perched upon his face. He continues to
laugh even though the scene is long over. Suddenly, the phone rings.
Chris grumbles and hits pause and picks up the phone.]
Chris: Schumacher mortuary, you stab 'em, we slab 'em.
Voice: Hello, Chris? This is your old pal _____, I have a proposition
for you...
-=- -=-
[Cue opening credits. It's a very weird event. It has the kid manufacturing
plant like in the real credits, but the music for the ADPolice Files
plays in the background. We also notice that instead of the actual hosts
of the show, we see members of the Ranma cast. The scene ends with
Soun attempting to stop a mob of kids from entering the dojo. A hand
lowers a stamp onto his face. As the stamp is taken up, we see Soun's
screaming face and the words 'You Can't Do That On Japanese Television!'
The image crumbles and it cuts to the usual set for YCDTOT. There is a
huge green platform, and a bunch of bluescreens behind them which
show a blue void with glass bubbles floating through it. Standing on
the platform are Akane, Chris, and Ranma. Chris is now wearing a
flannel jacket and is wearing a headset, he has a heavy tool belt, but
instead of tools, it contains pens and notebooks. He is currently
cleaning out his fingernails with a fountain pen.]
Chris: Okay, you're on. Remember what NOT to say, alright?
Akane: Got it.
[Chris walks off the platform.]
Akane: Welcome to the first episode of You Can't Do That On Japanese
Television. A program in Japan made by an American company based on a
show from Canada.
Ranma: I'm surprised you were able to remember all that, I would think
that your primitive instincts would override your ability to memor...
AHHHH!!!
[Akane has punched him, and he flies up into the ceiling. As he falls
back his clothes get snagged on a catwalk. Chris rushes on.]
Chris: Wait just a minute, that wasn't in the script!
Akane: The script sucks, Ranma was talking like he had more than his
usual two brain cells working!
Chris: So I took a little license with the characters, it isn't as much
as the others do!
Akane: We have to be IN character, or else we won't work!
Chris: Fine! [He pulls out the script and does a quick fix with the
fountain pen he was cleaning his nails with.] Okay, now do it. Ranma,
get down here!
[With a CLUNK! Ranma falls to the ground. He gets up woosily and walks
over to Akane.]
Akane: Okay, today the theme of the show is individuality....
Ranma: No, the theme of the show is Omoidega Ippai! Water!
[Water dumps from the sky and Ranma turns into Ranma-chan. Suddenly
Kasumi and Ukyo appear out of nowhere, and they start to sing...But
Akane waves her hands and the music grinds to a halt]
Akane: Enough of that, they're be no singing while I'm around! [Points
to Kasumi and Ukyo] You two, out! And Ranma, change back!
Ranma-chan: How?
[Chris walks on and throws coffee on Ranma-chan, turning her back into
Ranma. He smiles and walks off the set.]
Akane: Anyway, today's episode is about individuality...
[Suddenly Akane and Ranma are floating in a starfield.]
Akane: What the....
Ranma: Cool, we're floating!
[Chris walks onto the starfield.]
Chris: Sorry about that, we're having a bit of trouble with the blue-
screen. Scotty, load up the usual background!
[It suddenly changes to a video of the Motley Crue tour.]
Akane: Well, that's no good, can we...
[Akane stares at Chris, who is dancing and singing <horribly off key>
to Doctor Feelgood.]
Akane: All right, that's enough, switch to a sketch!
[The image grows smaller and flips over and off the screen, another
smaller images grows to fill the screen. <Scene shifts will not be
explained from now on.> The scene is the family room set. Sitting at
the Dad chair is Genma. Sitting on the couch and knitting is Nodoka.
Ranma comes in.]
Ranma: Hey, I've decided I want to be a prize fighter!
Genma: Are you sure you want to do that son? In those prize fights the
competitors have been known to get rather mean, why the other day when
I was watching it and the winner broke the losers arm!
Ranma: But I'm not going to enter the males arena, I'm going to always
fight as Ranko Tendo.
Nodoka: That's nonsense, dear. You can't fight as well as a girl.
Ranma: But I trained as a boy, so I'd be a lot stronger.
Genma: He does have a point there, Nodoka.
Nodoka: Dear, don't encourage him!
-=- -=- -=-
[Cut back to the platform. Ranma and Akane are now standing in what
appers to be C&C from Babylon 5. Chris walks in.]
Chris: I think we've got it fixed. Okay, Scotty, fire it up.
[The background changes back to the blue void. Chris breathes a sigh of
relief.]
Chris: Good, now that that's over, get on with it.
[Chris walks off the stage.]
Akane: Anyway, as I was saying, today's showing is about individuality.
You see, people shouldn't attempt to be like other people, they should
all try to be themselves.
Ranma: That's completely true. After all, would you want to be a macho
chick like Akane here?
[Akane socks Ranma and knocks him into the bluescreen. The image ripples
a bit, and a gaping hole appears in it. Chris walks back onto the set
and sighs.]
Chris: This set was almost 20 years old, do you know how pissed those
Canadians are going to be!
Ranma: What are they going to do, hunt you down and beat you with a
hockey stick?
Chris: Oh, you forget Ranma, I've lived with them. They can be REAL
vicious! Ed, switch to another sketch while we get the bluescreen fixed.
-=- -=-
[Cut to Barf's. Ranma, Ukyo, and Nabiki are sitting at the table.
Nabiki is typing away at a calculator.]
Ranma: What are you doing?
Nabiki: I'm figuring out the amount of money I can get by blackmailing
Barf. I'm sure the Health Department would loved to get a look at this
place.
Ukyo: Hey, that reminds me, didn't a health inspector come here the
other day? I'm surprised he didn't shut this place down.
Nabiki: Maybe Barf paid him off.
Ranma: I don't think so, I think I know why he didn't report back
anything to the Health Department.
Nabiki: Oh, why?
[Ranma takes the crown off of his hamburger.]
Ranma: What do you think is in the burgers.
[The window to the kitchen opens and Barf looks out.]
Barf: Ahh, I heard that. [He holds up a wallet and opens it to show
the badge of a Health Inspector] And it's true!
-=- -=- -=-
[Cut to the Firing Squad set. The executioner stands beside the post,
with Nabiki in front.]
Executioner: Okay, ready, aim....Hey, wait a minute... [Turns to
Nabiki] Aren't you going to try to get out of this?
Nabiki: No.
Executioner: What do you mean, no? We can't have a sketch if you don't
try to get out of your execution.
Nabiki: I've accepted my fate. Could you please get on with the
execution? I am getting a bit tired.
Executioner: Ahh...Okay. Ready, aim....Say, do you any last requests?
Nabiki: Oh yes, I would request that you make out your will.
Executioner: Oh, why's that?
Nabiki: Because I paid off your gunmen. Ready, Aim, FIRE!
[There are a bunch of shots and the Executioner starts to go down.]
Executioner: That is one sneaky kid...
-=- -=- -=-
[Cut to the Bus Scene. Ranma, Akane, Ukyo, and Ryouga are sitting in
the first two seats, right behind Snakeeyes.]
Akane: Anyway, and by the time I was nine I was able to break bricks.
Ukyo: Wow, I could break bricks until I was 11.
Ryouga: I was always able to do it with my umbrella.
Ranma: I was able to break bricks when I was five.
[Ranma turns towards the front.]
Ranma: Hey, Snakeeyes, did you ever learn any martial arts?
Snakeeyes: I'm afraid not, Ranma. I never had time for it when I was
a kid. Always busy doing schoolwork and such...
Akane: Oh, but you don't know what you're missing! You haven't lived
until you've been able to smash a brick, or splinter a board!
Snakeeyes: Oh, I can do that just fine.
Ranma: You can break bricks?
Snakeeyes: Of course I can. Want to see me do it?
Ranma: Sure.
[Snakeeyes spins the wheel and suddenly there is a thud and we see a
bunch of bricks fly by the bus.]
Snakeeyes: See, I don't need no martial arts to break bricks, now sit
down and shut up!
-=- -=- -=-
[Cut to the platform. After a few flashes the bluescreen is back in
business with the blue void.]
Akane: Wow, he actually managed to fix it!
[Chris comes onto the platform.]
Chris: Yep, there's nothing a little Canadian know-how can't fix. I
had my doubts, but I tell you, this show is turning out great!
[Chris whistles and walks off.]
Ranma: He was acting pretty weird.
Akane: Well, you know what that means. This is...
Both Of Them: Just the introduction to the opposite sketches.
-=- -=- -=-
[Cut to the Front Door Scene. Ranma pushes the doorbell. After a few
moments the door opens and Soun comes out.]
Soun: Yes, can I help you, Ranma?
Ranma: Yes, sir. I need to see Akane.
Soun: I'm sorry, Ranma. I can't. I promised your father that we would
force our children not to marry against their will.
Ranma: But I love her!
Soun: Yes, and she loves you too. But we decided a long time ago that
you two wouldn't be fiancees.
Ranma: But I love her, she's so cute, and lovable, and...
Soun: I'm sorry, but I'm engaging her to Kunou. Good day.
[He slams the door. Ranma turns and looks into the camera.]
Ranma: I DO love her! I will fight my life just so we can...HAHAHAHA!!!
[He breaks out laughing. He starts rolling on the lawn with laughter.
Suddenly a barbell flies from offstage and hits him in the head.]
Akane's Voice: RANMA NO BAKA!!!!!!!
-=- -=- -=-
[Cut to the Librarian Scene. Akane comes to the counter with a stack of
books. As she slams them down the Librarian turns around and takes off
her headphones that are playing NIN.]
Librarian: Excuse me, young lady, are you going to check out ALL these
books? [Sorts throught them] A farewell to arms, My Fellow Man, Peace?
Akane: Yes! I'm going to learn how to live in peaceful co-existence
with all the other inhabitants of planet Earth!
Librarian: Might I suggest, instead, this book 'How to maim a boy by
kicking him in the groin area' by H.M. Stationary Office?
Akane: No, I want these books! I'd never kick or punch a boy!
Librarian: How about this one 'How Not To Cook' by Kit Chen Enfire?
Akane: No, I know how to cook perfectly! My husband Ranma loves my
cooking!
Librarian: Now look, little girl, I will not allow you to take these
books out of the library, they will turn you into a misfit!
Akane: If that's the way you want to be about it, fine, I'll find
somewhere else to get them. Good day.
[Akane walks out whistling.]
-=- -=- -=-
[Cut back to the stage. Star Wars is showing on the bluescreen.]
Ranma: Well, those were pretty weird.
Akane: You ain't seen NOTHING yet. Next we have...LOCKER JOKES!
-=- -=- -=-
[Cut to a row of lockers. One of them opens up and Akane pops her head
out.]
Akane: Hey, Ranma.
[Ranma opens his locker.]
Ranma: Yes, Moose...er...Akane?
Akane: Have you seen P-Chan lately?
Ranma: I don't know, I think I saw him at Barf's yesterday.
Akane: Oh? How did he look?
Ranma: A little undercooked.
[Both close their lockers. A few minutes later another locker opens,
and Ukyo sticks her head out.]
Ukyo: Hey, Shampoo.
[Shampoo opens her]
Shampoo: What you want?
Ukyo: Did you know that Ranma took Akane shopping yesterday?
Shampoo: Did Ranma buy ugly girl anything?
Ukyo: Yeah, he bought her a nice pair of shoes.
Shampoo: Where?
Ukyo: Where else, the blacksmith. He even had them nailed on.
[They both close their lockers. Ranma's opens and he sticks his head
out.]
Ranma: Hey, Ucchan.
[Ukyo's opens.]
Ukyo: Yes, Ranchan?
Ranma: What do you call Ryouga, my dad, and Akane marching in single
file?
Ukyo: I don't know, what?
Ranma: The March Of The Pigs.
Ukyo: Heh.
[Both lockers close. Cut to a computer terminal, Stefan Gagne looks up
at the camera.]
Gagne: I heard that!
-=- -=- -=-
[Caption on screen: 'Classic Reenactment'. Ranma and Ryouga are staring
at a picture of The Thinker on the wall.]
Ryouga: I wonder what he's thinking about.
Ranma: He's probably wondering where he left his pants.
-=- -=- -=-
[Cut back to the platform. The bluescreen is finally working correctly.]
Ranma: Who were the original participants of that last sketch?
Akane: I don't know.
[Green Slime dumps on Akane. Ranma starts laughing.]
Ranma: Ha! I can't believe you fell for it!
Akane: [Growl] RANMA!!!!!
[Ranma runs off the stage and Akane runs after him. Chris walks unto
the stage, a Pastrima sandwhich in one hand. He looks around.]
Chris: Where did those two go off to?
[He turns and looks at the camera and starts. After a few moments he
waves.]
Chris: Hi, Mom. Hey, kids, make sure to watch Babylon 5. And go into
your mother's purse and get all the pictures of Andrew Jackson and send
them to me, care of this station.
-=- -=- -=-
[Cut to the Bedroom Set. Ranma and Nabiki are sitting in the twin beds.
Both appear to be asleep. After a beat, Akane opens her eyes.]
Akane: Hey, Nabiki, you awake?
Nabiki: No, go to sleep.
Akane: Hey, what are we supposed to be talking about?
Nabiki: Nothing, Chris just put this scene in because he forgot the
name of the guy who owned the arcade, and he couldn't have the Arcade
sketch without that name.
Akane: Gee, that sucks.
Nabiki: Shut up and go to sleep.
Akane: All right...
-=- -=- -=-
[Cut to the Classroom Set. Various members of the Ranma 1/2 cast are
sitting around the room in desks. Standing at the front is none other
than Chris, dressed up as Mr. Shitler.]
Shitler: Now, we all know that the Roman Empire fell because of many
reasons, most having to do with the dropping value of currency, the
corruption of the government, and loyality problems in the military.
So, what can we extrapolate from these as being a possible cause for
the fall of the British Empire?
Akane: The last three seasons of Monty Python?
Ranma: Sylvester McCoy as the Doctor?
Gosunkugi: Imported Star Trek?
Daisuke: Northern Ireland?
Hiroshi: Kathy Ireland?
Shitler: No, no, no!!!! Haven't you learned anything?!
[He notices Akane laughing at a piece of paper in her hand. He flies
over and seizes it.]
Shitler: Well, Ms. Tendo, let's see how you would like to see this
little note being read to the class, hmmm? [He unfolds it] 'I sleep with
sheep.'
[The whole class erupts into laughter.]
-=- -=- -=-
[Cut to the platform. Everything is as it should be.]
Akane: Well, that wraps up our first...
Chris: And last.
Akane: What?
Chris: I just got a call from the Japanese equivalent of Mrs. Mary
Whitehouse, she didn't like what she saw, and she wants the show
canceled. Since Americans are so used to caving in to those prigs, the
show is being pulled, sorry.
Akane: NO! I have to go back to be in those H-movies!
Ranma-Chan: And I have to go back to being Nuku-nuku, WHAAAAAA!!!!!!
[The Credits roll as various members of the cast come out and complain.
After they finish rolling we see the usual man in the sound booth.]
Man: And make sure to be with us next week when Mr. Wizard97 takes up
this timeslot. See as Don Hebert and his youthful assistants create
a cold fusion generator with nothing more than a toolbox and a
refrigirator. [Pause] You know, I could have told you this show would
never take off, the Japanese are too smart to find juvenile things
like this funny. What do you mean I'm still on the air?!
[He stares at the camera shocked.]
-==THE END
-==>Kensu<==-
kensu@pathcom.com
'I came back from those holiest waters new,
remade, reborn, like a sun-wakened tree
that spreads new foliage to the spring dew
in sweetest freshness, healed of winter's scars;
perfect, pure, and ready for the Stars'
Dante: The Purgatorio: Canto 33; 142-6