More Son of Japanese Ranma TV From Hell
                     (Still a genuine Japlish title)
                    By two guys named Greg and Fester


     As you may recall, it all started with a little noticed AP news story.

     Dateline: Washington DC - Due to mounting international debt, the US
government has arranged for the sale of most of the America's older
television shows and every cable system in the country to Nippon
Television.  The Japanese television network assured the American producers
that no changes would be made to their original shows.  However, their
cable service may experience some... changes.

**********

[Late night.  Greg secretly slips back into the TV room and reconnects the
TV to the cable system.]

Greg: <It can't really be as bad as we thought.>

[Oh, but it can...]

########## [*on*] ##########

[Scene of little black pig sipping water from a pond.]

Voice over: [calling] P-chan.  Oh, Peeeee-chan.

[Little pig looks up excitedly as sappy whistling begins.]

Narrator: Yes, it's P-chan.  The story of a boy and his pig....

[Scene shifts to old farm house.  Girl comes out dressed in apron and
wiping hands on towel.]

Narrator: Starring Kasumi Tendo as Mom.  [Kasumi looks wistfully off into
the distance.]

[Scene shifts to old man with a glued-on bushy white mustache.] 

Narrator: With Genma Saotome as Gramps.  [He leans over and spits a stream
of tobacco juice on a bunch of chickens.]

[Scene shifts to boy standing with a look of anticipation on his face.]

Narrator: Ranma Saotome as little Timmy.

[Scene shifts to bare patch of grass where P-chan is *supposed* to be.]

Narrator: And, of course, P-chan.

[Cut to group shot of Mom, Gramps, and little Timmy as they look around
with confusion.]

Timmy: Mom, where's P-chan?

[Cut to shot of median strip on Santa Monica Freeway.  Little black pig's
head is whipping back and forth as cars whiz by in both directions.]

########## [*click*] ##########


Shampoo:  [Smiling to camera]  Nihao, Shampoo here for Hooked on Phonics.


########## [*click*] ##########

[Long shot of TV set as camera pans over audience.]

Narrator:  Welcome back to TV's Bloopers & Practical Jokes with your hosts
Ranma Saotome and Nabiki Tendo.  [Much Applause]

Ranma: Now, Nabiki, we all know that Akane has this *thing* for her little
pet pig, P-chan.

Nabiki: [Rolling her eyes.] Don't we all know it.

Ranma: Well, we've snatched the little porker, I mean, little P-chan and
kept him caged up back stage for the last week.

[Cut to scene of P-chan in 1 foot square cage, his snout pressed between
the bars.  His eyes are glazed and his mouth is half open, a little stream
of drool pooling on the floor outside the cage.]

Ranma: [Laughing] We substituted the real P-chan with an exact duplicate
and Akane has been cuddling, and loving, and cuddling, and petting, and
cuddling...[Gets a wacky snarl on face.] and cuddling, and cuddling...
[Nabiki leans over and wacks the back of Ranma's head.]

Nabiki: [Disgusted look] Little sis has been sleeping with the pig.

Ranma: [Rubbing head] Our assistant, Sasuke, has been ambushing Akane and
her piiiig [growls word *pig*] every morning with a squirt gun.

[Showing tape of repeated skate-by squirt gun attacks on Akane and her
little black pig.  A soaked Akane repeatedly jumps up and chases Sasuke off
camera each time.]

Ranma: This morning, we replaced the phony P-chan with the original.

Nabiki: [Confused] I *still* don't get it, Ranma.  What's so special about
*this* little black pig?

Ranma: [With a chuckle] You'll see.

[Camera shows Akane sitting outside on a bench hugging a dazed looking P-chan.  Ranma growls just loud enough to be heard.]

Ranma: Now our assistant, Sasuke is just coming up the street on his skate
board.  Watch what happens.

[We see Sasuke careening down the street on his skateboard.  P-chan sees
the ersatz ninja with his squirt gun and struggles to escape but Akane just
tightens her grip.  Sasuke skates by and nails Akane and P-chan with his
Super Soaker (tm).  Akane squeals at the cold water.  P-chan, however, does
something else.  Where there was a squealing black pig, there is now a
large, naked Ryouga.]

Ranma: Ho hoooo, good shot Sasuke.

Nabiki: [surprised] Well, I'll be...

Akane: [Dropping Ryouga and screaming in anger.] Arrrrggh!  You PERVERT!!
You slept in my bed!  You saw me naked!  YOU PERVERT!!  [Snatching large
mallet out of air and swinging it at Ryouga as he tries to run while
covering himself.]

Ryouga: Akane, wait!  I can explain!!  [Runs for his life.]

[Audience roars with laughter.  Ranma falls on the floor, rolling around
laughing.  Scene shifts to Ryouga running back past the camera, still
trying to explain while Akane keeps trying to make him part of the
pavement.]

Nabiki:  Well, that certainly was a good one.  Our next practical joke
involves a certain red head and a would-be samurai...

[Ranma's eyes pop wide open and he stops laughing.]

########## [*click*] ##########

[Old black & white movie.  Master swordsman Kuno is surrounded by 400
samurai, all intent on carving the lone defender into sushi.  His only
companion is Nabiki in a ragged kimono.]

Villain samurai: [mouth not matching dialog] So, disgusting wretch, you
would defy the Shogun's samurai?

Kuno: [Oddly enough, his mouth *does* match the dialog (obviously using the
'Word Match' System by Viz Video)]:  I, Tatewaki Kuno, Blue Thunder [Raises
his sword and is answered by a crack of thunder and bolt of blue lightning]
have the power to defeat all who threaten.

Nabiki: [Sitting in a pensive pose] Kuno-baby, I don't like the odds.

Kuno: Fear not, my annoying but attractive associate, I shall defeat these
worms and then Kun-chan can write us as happily married with ten children.

Nabiki: WHAT?!?!?!?

Kuno: [Momentarily confused.] I said: Fear not, my annoying...

Nabiki: [Irritated] I HEARD what you said.

Kuno: [Eternally confused.] Then why...?

Nabiki: Kuno-baby, you're fighting at 400 to 1 odds.

Kuno: [Smugly] Fear not, with you at my side, I'll vanquish these upstarts
and rescue my dear Akane and Pig-tailed goddess.

Nabiki: That's what I like about you, Kuno.  You still have your sense of
humor. [She calmly walks to the other side.]  Sic em, boys.  [Human wave of
swordsmen overwhelm Kuno.]

########## [*click*] ##########

[Scene of chemistry lab.  Kodachi, dressed like the evil queen in 'Snow
White' and Cologne, dressed like... well, Cologne, are busy mixing
chemicals and cackling like the brain damaged humanoids they are.]

Narrator: Dow Chemical Company - Better Living Through Chemistry.

[Lab explodes.]

########## [*click*] ##########

[Warner Brothers cartoon.  Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck are nose to nose
arguing about what season it is.]

Bugs: It's duck season!

Daffy: Wabbit season!

Bugs: Duck season!

Daffy: Wabbit season!

[A dazed looking Mousse wanders onto the set.]

Mousse: [Trying to get their attention] Excuse me.

Bugs: Duck season!

Daffy: Wabbit season!

Mousse: Pardon me.

[Daffy reaches behind him and pulls a conveniently placed rope.  Half the
contents of Niagra Falls hits the bewildered Mousse.]

Bugs: Duck season!

Daffy: Wabbit season!

Mousse: Quack!

[Bugs and Daffy stop arguing and slowly turn to look at Mousse.  With sly
grins, they spin rapidly only to stop a moment later wearing Game Warden
uniforms.  Sounds of hunting horns can be heard.]

Elmer Fudd: Pwarden me.  But do you know what season this is?

Bugs:  Why yes, my good man.

Daffy: It's duck season.  And there's one now!  [Pointing to Mousse]

Mousse: Quack?

[Quickly Mousse takes off, running across the fields with Elmer Fudd right
behind, shooting rapidly.  Every time he hits the duck, major appliances
fall out of his feathers.]

BANG!
<Electric Can Opener>
BANG!
<Mr. Coffee>
BANG!
<Microwave>
BANG!
<Large Refrigerator>

########## [*click*] ##########

[Ranma-chan smiling at camera and holding a box up by her head.]

Ranma-chan:  Whenever I'm doing a fanfic by Richard Lawson and get that
embarrassing itching, you know where, I depend on the proven relief of
Monostat 7.

########## [*click*] ##########

[Old western movie.  Sheriff Ranma slowly approaches bad-guy Ryouga out in
the dusty street, their hands held in exaggerated ready gunfighter poses as
they bow-leggedly stomp towards each other from opposite ends of town.]

Ranma: This town aint big enough for the two of us Bacon Kid.

Ryouga: Draw, sheriff.

[The two stop advancing, pause for a few seconds to allow the music to set
an appropriately climactic mood before dropping into their martial arts
crouches and yelling their attacks.  Streaks of energy course through the
ground towards each other, meeting in the middle.  The resulting explosion
levels the town - leaving two blackened figures crouching in the street -
only the whites of their wide eyes showing.]

########## [*click*] ##########

[Scene of typical street corner in Nerima]

John Cleese Narrating: Tusbasa Kurenai of Nerima presents us with a poser
as he demonstrates 'How Not To Be Seen'.  Tsubasa has done an excellent job
of concealing himself.  He could be behind the lamppost, in the trash can,
crouched down behind the car, or in the mailbox.  However, we happen to
know he's in the mailbox.  [Mailbox explodes with a loud scream]

########## [*click*] ##########

[Talk show audience applauds]

Announcer: Today on Nodoka.  [camera shows Shampoo, Ukyou, and Kodachi
sitting on stage]  Women who love aquatransexuals and the lack of respect
they get for it.

########## [*click*] ##########

[Scene of TV kitchen]

Announcer: Welcome to Cooking with Akane.  Today's recipe: Pork cutlets.

[Little black pig runs past camera with Akane close behind swinging a large
cleaver.]

Akane: COME BACK HERE, YOU LITTLE PERVERT!

########## [*click*] ##########

[Scene of Ranma 1/2 cast.]

Announcer: As you remember last time, Genma Saotome had promised his only
son, Ranma, to marry one of the daughters of Soun Tendo.  Unfortunately,
both Genma and Ranma, having fallen into cursed pools in Jusenkyou, are now
cursed to different forms whenever splashed with cold water.  They arrive
at the Tendo's residence in a driving rain storm, Ranma as a buxom 
red-headed girl and Genma as a large panda.  Soun's three daughters, 
Kasumi - 19, Nabiki - 17, and Akane - 16 ...

Greg: [Slumping in his chair]  What a ridiculous plot.  Only a bunch of
morons would believe a story like that.

[Greg's door bell rings.  Greg answers the phone.]

Greg: Hello?

[Someone pounding at door.]

Greg: Silly me, it's the door.  [Gets up to answer door.]

[As he opens the door, he notices a crowd on his front lawn.  Kun-chan
(working her garlic press), Windlily (slowly tapping a borrowed bap stick),
Zen, Lawson, Gaffney, White Wolf, and the rest of the FFML are glaring at
the nervous Greg)

[Cue 'Benny Hill' music.]

[The chase is on.  The film is speeded up so that everyone's legs appear to
moving fast; aided by everyone taking shorter steps as they 'run'.  Greg
runs for his life.]

----------------------------

[In another living room.  Uncle Fester is watching the FFML chase Greg on
TV.]

Uncle Fester:   Ach, what a bunch of crap!  Who'd believe it?

[Just then Greg runs through Uncle Fester's living room, around Uncle
Fester, and back out the door, pursued by the wildly gesturing FFML
members.  Uncle Fester joins the chase.  The camera closes in on the TV
that's showing Greg running off into the sunset pursued by the FFML and
Uncle Fester to the endless repeats of the 'Benny Hill' theme music.]

[ Cue credits ]