My prereader is taking far too long ^_- Before he graces and corrupts my
innocence, I shall bestow upon the denizens of the FFML my first attempt
at a fanfic, without ever having seen a single anime. May you all be
enlightened and amused by the results of this bizzare experiment ^_-
Any and all comments are of course greatly appreciated ^_^
* * * * * * * * *
A Funny Thing Happened on the way to the Dojo part 1
Written by the Mouse ^_^
Let me introduce myself. I am a small member of the Deputy Bastard
Taskmasters From Hell, who is taking a short leave for purpose of writing
my very first fanfic story. This is an experiment to see how well I can
do justice to the Ranma 1/2 characters, never having perused more than
a few of the fanfics posted to this mailing list and a web page
containing many Ranma 1/2 character sketches. For those who have not
seen me prodding some of the authors, my chosen device of coercion is not
a cattle prod but rather a very special remote control which can effect
quite remarkable alterations in the fabric of reality.
In short, I am Mouse. Hear me roar. ^_-
Actors:
Pseudolus: slave of Hero, very conniving
Hero: son of Solex
Erroneous: old man in search of his children
Lichus: peddler of courtesans
Solex: roman citizen
Wife of Solex: very domineering
Hysterium: slave of the house of Solex, very groveling
Captain: vicious military man
Lydia: not-so-common courtesan, a virgin
Gymnasia: silent courtesan
Mouse is standing before the cast of Ranma 1/2, shuffling through some
papers. "Okay everyone line up so we can cast you in the proper parts."
Ranma looks over the script. "Well, I know who *I* want to play."
Akane: Don't tell me, Marcus Lichus right? Hmph. [she turns her back
on him]
Ranma: BAKA! I'll take the lead part. I'll play Hero. [he smiles
triumphantly]
Mouse speaks up. "Uh, I hate to disappoint you, but the lead is not the
hero, Hero, in this play."
Ranma: It isn't?
Mouse: No, but you're very well suited for the part of the hero. I
guess you will play Lydia, Akane?
Akane: I most certainly will not!
Mouse: Would you rather play Solex's wife?
Akane boggles at Mouse, looking furious enough to strangle him, but keeps
silent.
Mouse: Well that's settled then.
Nabiki: I'll play Solex's wife. I like her style.
Mouse: But she is domineering, and you're conniving.
Nabiki shrugs. "Same difference."
Mouse: Who's next? Who will play Solex?
Ryouga sighs. "I guess I will."
Mouse: If you really want to, but I would suggest you play the lead
part.
Ryouga: Really? What is the lead part?
Mouse: Pseudolus.
Ryouga: The slave? [he shuffles through the script] I guess you're
right, he does get all of the good lines. [he smiles]
Mouse: Akari, you'll have to play Gymnasia.
Akari: I will? Why?
Mouse: Ask Ryouga.
Ryouga says nothing, glaring at Mouse, then blushes. Akari just looks
confused.
Mouse: Okay, so who will play Solex?
Mikado raises his hand.
Mouse: Okay. Does anyone want to play the Captain?
Kunou: I, the blue thunder of Furinkan High, shall take that part.
Mouse: Now we need hysteria--uh, I mean Hysterium. [there is dead
silence] Maybe I will have to choose somebody. [scattered mutterings
are heard]
Mouse: Okay Sasuke, you are our Hysterium.
Sasuke: I am? [he smiles happily and adopts a worshipful gaze as he
looks at Ryouga]
Mouse: We still need a Marcus Lichus--no, not you Happousai!
Happousai: The part would be perfect for me!
Mouse: The other actors would never forgive me. Never fret, you will
make an appearance.
Happousai cackles gleefully. "Just so long as I do, Mouse. Just so long
as I do."
Soun: I'll do it.
Mouse: You? Why?
Soun: To keep an eye on-- [Shampoo walks past and he smiles letting his
eyes follow her retreating posterior] --things.
Mouse: A very good idea. [he laughs] Okay everyone, the other parts
can be filled in with bit-part actors. It's time to go on with the
show. ^_^
Mouse watches as the Ranma cast go into a flurry of martial arts costume
making, and emerge suitably Romanized.
Ryouga: Wait a second, you forgot someone important!
Mouse: I did? Who?
Ryouga: Who's the narrator?
Mouse: Me. Just watch.
Pseudolus: Ryouga
Hero: Ranma
Erroneous: Dr. Tofu
Lichus: Soun
Solex: Mikado
Wife of Solex: Nabiki
Hysterium: Sasuke
Captain: Kunou
Lydia: Akane
Gymnasia: Akari
Dr. Tofu looks at Mouse. "Hey, when did I get chosen to be Erroneous?"
Mouse: Well someone has to do it, and it is not going to be Happousai.
Happousai: Then what *am* I supposed to do?
Mouse: Watch the show and wait for your cue. ^_^
Mouse raises the curtain and walks onstage, bowing. "Greetings
assembled gentlepersons, may I have your attention? I would like to
announce the opening of that well known play, 'A Funny Thing Happened
on the way to the Forum'. But for those to whom it is not so well
known, let me explain. [he backpedals] No, there is too much, let me
summarize. Imagine Rome at the height of its power and the depths of
its decadence, a little like San Francisco with chariots and togas. In
this setting, we have your everyday garden variety romance, your
everyday garden variety intrigue, but now we add a twist...for you
see..."
Mouse begins singing.
"Something familiar, something peculiar
Something for everyone, a comedy tonight!
Something appealing, something appalling
Something for everyone, a comedy tonight!
"Nothing for kings, nothing for crowns
Bring on the liars, lovers, and clowns!
"Old situations, new complications
Nothing portentous or worthwhile
Tragedy tomorrow, comedy tonight!"...
We see Ryouga talking to a Roman citizen. He then takes a cup, shakes
it, and rolls a pair of dice. They come up showing six/one, a seven, a
winner. He laughs, claps the suddenly unhappy citizen on the back, and
parades off into the crowd.
"Something convulsive, something repulsive
Something for everyone, a comedy tonight!
Something aesthetic, something frenetic
Something for everyone, a comedy tonight!
"Nothing of gods, nothing of fate
Weighty affairs will just have to wait!"...
Mouse: Our principal characters live on this street, in a less
fashionable suburb of Rome, in these three houses. First, the house
of Erroneous, a befuddled old man, abroad now in search of his
children, stolen in infancy by pirates.
The rest of the cast take up the song.
"Something erratic, something dramatic
Something for everyone, a comedy tonight!"...
Mouse: Second, the house of Lichus, a buyer and seller of the flesh
of beautiful women. That's for those of you who have absolutely no
interest in pirates.
Soun/Lichus: Something for everyone!
All: A comedy tonight!...
Mouse: And finally, the house of Solex, who lives here with his
wife and son. Also in this house dwells Pseudolus, slave to his son.
Pseudolus is probably my favorite character in the piece. A role of
enormous variety and nuance, and played by an actor of such
versatility, such magnificent range, such...let me put it this way.
I played the part once, and now it is his turn. [he points to Ryouga,
who bows humbly] Ryouga, Pseudolus is not humble, you will have to
work on that. [he winks]
The cast take up the song again.
"Something familiar, something peculiar
Something for everyone, a comedy tonight!
Something that's gaudy, something that's bawdy
Something for everybody's tastes!
"Pantaloons and tunics, courtesans and enunchs
Funerals and chases, baritones and bases
Panderers! Philanderers! Stupidity! Timidity!
Mistakes, fate, rhymes, crimes,
Tumblers, grumblers, fumblers, bumblers,"...
Again we see the citizen, who tries rolling the dice for himself with the
cup. Six/one, a seven, a winner. Again. Six/one, a seven, a winner.
Again. Again. His eyes bulge with realization: he has been cheated
by the most famous cheat of all time, Pseudolus, slave of slaves.
"No royal curse, no trojan horse
And there's a happy ending of course!"
Mouse: Did someone mention no curse? Well there is always the odd
twist, as I said once before... ^_-
"Goodness and badness, plenteous is madness
This time it all turns out all right!
Laiety tomorrow, comedy comedy comedy comedy
Comedy comedy comedy comedy
Comedy...tonight!"
SCENE: the Roman street on which lies the three houses. It is midday,
and Mikado and his--ahem--wife, are returning home, borne upon a bed
carried by slaves.
Nabiki/Solex's wife: Stop.
Soun stops next to them on a similar bed, gesturing in greeting.
Soun/Lichus: Oh my dear and noble neighbors! My deepest apologies.
Since moving in next door I'm afraid I've been remiss in not calling to
pay my respects. However, it is our inaugural week, and you know what
that is!
Mikado suddenly looks very pleased.
Nabiki/Solex's wife: I most certainly do not! [he beckons to the
slaves] Move on! [to herself] Nothing in it for me...
Mikado looks depressed again.
Nabiki/Solex's wife: A common flesh peddler in the house right next to
us. Disgusting! But a great photo opportunity.
Mouse: Stop embellishing the script!
Nabiki: Shut up Mouse, we're the actors! You're only the narrator.
[she grins]
Mikado/Solex: Disgraceful! All that revolting flesh...just next door.
[looks longingly towards Lichus' house]
One of the slaves: Make way for the house of Solex!
Two citizens appear far down the street.
Citizen 1: Wait!
Mikado raises his arm, but Nabiki cuts him off.
Nabiki/Solex's wife: Wait.
Citizens 1 and 2 appear, dragging Ryouga with them.
Citizen 1: Is this not Pseudolus your slave? He was parading as a
citizen!
Ryouga/Pseudolus: Believe me, mistress, I was not parading! I was
walking, humbly, [he starts walking away, making a remarkably
successful attempt at walking humbly] like a slave... [he is held
back by his toga by citizen 1]
Citizen 1: He invited us to game with him. In a matter of moments, he
cheated us out of nine meniah.
Ryouga/Pseudolus: Nine? I took seven!
Nabiki/Solex's wife: Added interest. Return nine.
Ryouga/Pseudolus: [he slumps dejectedly, rolling his eyes] One...two...
three...four... [looks at Nabiki] I'm being cheated out of the money I
won fair--
Nabiki/Solex's wife: [angrily] Pseudolus! [she grins slyly] If you're
caught, you pay the price.
Ryouga/Pseudolus: Seven...eight...
Citizen 1: What happened to five and six?
Ryouga/Pseudolus: I'm coming to them. Nine, five, six.
Nabiki/Solex's wife: Thank you, citizens. Do not fear, he will be
punished.
Citizen 1: Farewell.
Ryouga/Pseudolus: Farewell!
The citizens turn to walk away, and Ryouga tries to join them but is
brushed aside.
Nabiki/Solex's wife: Now...this will be educational...
Ryouga/Pseudolus: I know. I should be whipped. Gently. However, my
intentions were noble, good mistress, upon hearing that today you were
visiting your dear mother, may the gods bless her, I wanted to
purchase an appropriate...rememberance. Some bath essence! [lowers
his voice] A new spear!
Nabiki/Solex's wife: Fifty more lashes for lying! (And I can tell,
too.) You are doing what you are always doing, seeking money to buy
your freedom.
Ryouga/Pseudolus: [he grovels] Oh, madame, who would want to be free of
you?
Mikado/Solex: [he is mumbling to himself pathetically] Who, indeed?
Nabiki/Solex's wife: Hysterium!
Sasuke rushes forward.
Sasuke/Hysterium: My mistress calls?
Nabiki/Solex's wife: Slave in chief, drag this man home [points to
Pseudolus], and beat him without mercy.
Sasuke/Hysterium: [he grovels] I shall be brutal.
Nabiki/Solex's wife: [to the slave bearers] Up! We go to buy a breeder
slave. Attend to him Hysterium, my slave of slaves!
Sasuke/Hysterium: I live to grovel. [he puffs himself up] I shall lash
him to pulp! [Ryouga sneaks off and hides his face with a prayer
tablet] I shall wear out eight whips! Strong men will blanch! My arm
will-- [he looks around for Ryouga]
SCENE: Elsewhere on the same street. Mikado and Nabiki are talking to a
breeder slave peddler.
Breeder slave peddler: ...try Fortuna the populator! Three hundred
pounds of fertile flesh, which has produced eighteen healthy little
slaves, and is capable of producing [he looks her over and shrugs]
eighteen more. You won't regret it.
SCENE: Inside the house of Solex.
Nabiki/Solex's wife: It is time we were gone! [she calls] Solex?
Hysterium!?
Mikado and Sasuke walk into the room.
Nabiki/Solex's wife: Ah, here you are. [she sees the bust Hysterium is
carrying] And there I am. A gift for my mother on the anniversary of
her birth. (I could get to like this.) [she chuckles]
Mikado/Solex: [he mumbles to himself] A hundred and four years old, and
not a single organ in working condition.
Nabiki/Solex's wife: Do you think it will please her?
Sasuke/Hysterium: The craftsmanship is superb.
Nabiki/Solex's wife: And the likeness?
Sasuke/Hysterium: [he blanches, smiling] Frightening.
Nabiki/Solex's wife: Hysterium, here are my husband's final
instructions. [Mikado looks up for a moment, obviously not in control
of the situation] Watch over our son Hero, keep him cheerful, well
fed, and far from the opposite sex.
Mikado/Solex: Oh, but my dear, he must learn sometime. I have a few
tips for kissing--
Nabiki/Solex's wife: [she quickly interrupts him] And when that time
comes, you shall teach him. What little you know. [to Sasuke again]
Above all, do not let his eyes stray to that house next door. I hold
you completely responsible.
Sasuke/Hysterium: Rather than let you down, I would die.
Nabiki/Solex's wife: That is what I had in mind. [she smiles coldly]
Mikado/Solex: And furthermore--
Nabiki/Solex's wife: We are on our way.
Mikado/Solex: Ahem, we are on our way.
Nabiki/Solex's wife: Come, Solex. And carry my bust with pride.
Mikado/Solex: Yes, dear. [he takes the bust and mumbles to Sasuke] A
lesson to remember, never fall in love during a total eclipse.
Sasuke/Hysterium: Thank you, sir.
Nabiki/Solex's wife: [she is walking away] Where is Hero?
Sasuke/Hysterium: He's in his room, I think, studying with his tutor.
SCENE: Hero's room. Ranma is scribbling something onto a scroll, while
his tutor stands droning in a corner.
Tutor: The sun and the moon revolve around the earth, as do the four
planets. Above all, there is a great blue bowl, which is the sky.
There are many stars. [he turns his back to Ranma as he reads from a
scroll]
Ranma looks through the window at the house of Lichus. Through another
window, a courtesan can be seen in a room with a tutor of her own.
Courtesan's Tutor: ...the soft brushing of a flower against the
skin...
Ranma takes a pigeon out of its cage.
Tutor: ...many have been named by the Egyptian astronomers. We have
developed our modern system of astronomy from the Greeks [he looks at
Ranma]--
Ranma quickly hides the pigeon.
Tutor: --who, as you know, were very poor scholars. [he looks away
again] The earth is a...
Ranma/Hero: [he whispers to the pigeon] Take this message of my love
[he ties a scroll to the pigeon's leg] to she who has captured my heart.
Ranma throws the pigeon out the window. Weighted down by the scroll, it
flaps helplessly downward, landing on the ground to peck with the
other pigeons there. Ranma looks out of the window, for the
moment exasperated, then he doubletakes and smiles, shrugging.
Suddenly a mallet appears out of malletspace and bonks Ranma soundly,
flattening him. Mouse's voice echoes softly through the room. "You
baka! You must try harder!"
SCENE: Nabiki, Sasuke, and Mikado are walking through the house towards
the front door.
Nabiki/Solex's wife: That breeder woman, has she been found a mate yet?
Sasuke/Hysterium: Alas, she refuses just any slave, she demands to
choose.
Mikado/Solex: Choose? She'll breed and like it like everyone else.
[he whispers an aside] Well, almost everyone.
Two officers rush in, garbed in tunics and looking out of breath. They
are pulling Ryouga with them.
Officer 1: Citizens, we've caught your runaway slave. Now he dares
challenge our right to execute him.
Ryouga starts kissing the hem of Nabiki's toga.
Ryouga/Pseudolus: That's because I'm a *family* slave! What's the good
of belonging to a family, if you're going to be executed by strangers?
[he resumes kissing her toga]
Nabiki/Solex's wife: He is quite correct. We shall torture him. [she
bids them leave]
Ryouga/Pseudolus: You see how they look after their own?
Nabiki/Solex's wife: [she slaps him] Hold your tongue. [he drops her
toga] Thank you, officer.
The two officers leave.
Nabiki/Solex's wife: Now, what can we devise? Something suitable, and
lingering. Perhaps the colosseum is available, and we can rent out
seats.
Ryouga/Pseudolus: Madame, may I suggest--
Nabiki/Solex's wife: You may not.
Mikado/Solex: Oh, hang the poor wretch and be done.
Sasuke reenters, bringing the breeder slave.
Nabiki/Solex's wife: Oh, hanging is too good for him.
Ryouga/Pseudolus: Much too good.
Sasuke/Hysterium: By the feet?
Ryouga/Pseudolus: [he pales for a moment, then remembers his line] That
doesn't hurt much. [he elbows Sasuke in the ribs]
Nabiki/Solex's wife: Hanging upside down by the feet while being lashed,
they hate that...
Ryouga/Pseudolus: They should hate that. My dear lady, if I suggest
that we try to find some other method, it's only because I'm completely
impervious to physical pain, --
Sasuke oh's and takes a hairpin from the breeder slave's hair.
Ryouga/Pseudolus: ...and I can't stand the thought of spoiling your
pleasure. [Sasuke stabs him with the hairpin. He screams, and his
eyes boggle.]
Sasuke/Hysterium: I thought you were completely impervious to pain?
Ryouga/Pseudolus: [he grabs the hairpin and elbows Sasuke in the ribs
again] Not my own.
The breeder slave looks at Pseudolus and begins to snuggle lustfully.
Upon closer examination, the breeder slave is seen to bear a peculiarly
striking resemblance to Kodachi.
Nabiki/Solex's wife: Ah. You like him?
Kodachi/Breeder slave: [huskily] I like him.
Nabiki/Solex's wife: You can have him. Congratulations Pseudolus, your
life has been spared. May it be long, healthy, and productive. [she
walks away]
Ryouga/Pseudolus: Productive? The breeder? [he looks at Kodachi, then
after Nabiki] Hang me!
Kodachi/Breeder slave: [she looks at Ryouga] BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
SCENE: Outside the house of Solex. Soun notices Mikado leaving the
house.
Soun/Lichus: Oh, dear neighbor. Feel free to come in any time, no
obligation to buy! Just come in and browse. [he smiles]
Mikado smiles back.
Nabiki/Solex's wife: [she calls out] Solex? Come away from that house
of shame!
Mikado/Solex: Uh, I was only standing here saying shame, shame.
Nabiki/Solex's wife: For your own good Hysterium, look after Hero.
Sasuke bows and grovels.
Meanwhile...
SCENE: Below a window of the house of Lichus. Ranma has engineered a
rudimentary catapult, and is holding a lyre. He pulls the rope...and
flies into a tree just to one side of the window. The courtesan in the
window glances around in puzzlement for a moment or two, then goes
about her business again.
Ryouga, who had been hiding in the tree, looks at him and hastily beckons
him to be silent, pointing down at Kodachi. She looks about, then
sighs unhappily and wanders off.
Ryouga/Pseudolus: What brings you up here?
Ranma/Hero: I was trying to get in--
Ryouga/Pseudolus: [he points at the window] In there? You must never
know what goes on in that house.
Ranma/Hero: [he frowns] But I do know.
Shampoo suddenly dances onto the stage. "You do? Naughty Ranma!
Shampoo come and--ooo!" A cane reaches out from offstange and pulls
her out of the way. Moments later, a few squeaky, high-pitched yelps
can be heard. "Ow! But Shampoo--ouch!--you cannot do violence to
the--oof!--narrator!" A distinctly feminine, angry voice is then
heard. "Shampoo want Ranma for husband, never mind silly play!
Shampoo go get--" At that point, faint click and a staticy crackling
reminiscent of channel "snow" is heard, and then a sigh of relief. "I
can never find that remote control when I need it..." Obviously, the
play was not meant to include such chicanery.
Ryouga/Pseudolus: [he glances offstage, then back at Ranma with
a look of surprise] You do? [he smiles] Isn't it amazing?
Ranma/Hero: Oh, Pseudolus, I'm in love!
Ryouga/Pseudolus: Well that's very-- [he does a double take] In love,
you? [he smiles] Which one is--uh, I mean, who is she?
Ranma/Hero: [he glares at Ryouga] Hmph. Sometimes, I can see her through
that window. [he points to the window next to the tree]
Ryouga/Pseudolus: [his expression changes from smile to frown] A common
courtesan of the house of Lichus?
Ranma/Hero: Is that disgraceful?
Ryouga/Pseudolus: There's no way to make it sound like an achievement.
Ranma/Hero: I don't care. I would give anything for her, anything!
Ryouga/Pseudolus: You really love that girl?
Ranma bleahs in a totally non love-stricken fashion.
Ryouga/Pseudolus: I like the way you say that. Master Hero, you cannot
buy her. At your age, you're not allowed to buy her. But suppose
someone, someone with tremendous cunning and guile, could arrange for
her to be yours. If that someone could arrange it...what would you
give me?
Ranma/Hero: I would give you everything I own.
Ryouga/Pseudolus: But what do you own? Twenty meniah, a collection of
seashells, and me? Forget about the meniah and the seashells. Just
give me me.
Ranma/Hero: Give you you?
Ryouga/Pseudolus: My freedom! Of course, curing my curse would be nice
too since you were responsible--[a remote control-wielding paw appears
from behind the stage curtain]--eep!
Ranma/Hero: Pseudolus, people don't go around freeing slaves every day!
Ryouga/Pseudolus: Be the first, start a fashion!
Ranma/Hero: Get me that girl.
Ryouga/Pseudolus: And if I do?
Ranma/Hero: You are free.
Ryouga/Pseudolus: I am what?
Ranma/Hero: Free!
Ryouga/Pseudolus: [he opens his arms in joy, letting go of the tree limb
he had been holding on to] Free! [then he falls out of the tree]
Mouse: There was a song here in the play but the movie I rented to copy
the lines from did not have it. *sighs*
SCENE: Inside the house of Lichus. The courtesans are being bathed.
One steps out of the communal bath, and wraps a towel around herself.
A enunch holding a fan begins waving it at her.
Soun walks over and slaps the enunch.
Soun/Lichus: If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times! Do
not fan the girls when they are wet! But you'll never learn, you'll be
a enunch all of your life.
Ryouga and Ranma enter the house. They look around, and Ryouga
accidentally steps into a small decorative pool near the door.
P-Chan: Bwee?
Ranma sighs and picks him up, then dunks him into the courtesans' bath.
There are a few screams and many dirty looks, and then they try to
ignore what had just happened.
Ryouga: [he whispers to Ranma] Thanks.
At first, they go nearly unnoticed, then Ryouga holds up a purse and
jingles the coins within.
Soun/Lichus: [to himself] I know that sound. And I love it. [he
grins, then turns around and looks at Ryouga, making a disgusted
sound] You! How did you get into my--
Ryouga/Pseudolus: An unexpected legacy. My uncle Simone, a noted
Carthagenian elephant breeder, came to an untimely end. He was crushed
to death on the last day of the mating season. This morning I bought
my freedom.
Soun/Lichus: Congratulations, citizen. [he grovels reluctantly]
Ryouga/Pseudolus: [he holds up the purse] With this much left over for
one gross indulgence. Lichus, I'm in the market for a lifetime
companion.
Soun: Does that mean you're giving up on Akane?
Ryouga glares at Soun.
Soun/Lichus: [he shrugs] I say without modesty that I have an
assortment of beauty here second to none. And you--who? [he looks at
Ranma] As if I didn't know...
Ryouga/Pseudolus: My former young master. I thought I'd bring him along
to further his education. He's bored with picture books. You do
understand, don't you?
Soun/Lichus: [he smiles] Who better than I? [he gestures to Ranma] Come
in, little boy! Won't you-- [he looks around] Enunchs, quickly! A
buyer!
Ranma looks nonplused. The enunchs and courtesans begin to file into the
room. One of the courtesans offers a drink to Ryouga. Soft music
begins wafting through the air, and the strains of a lyre and panpipes
can be heard.
Soun/Lichus: And now, for your assured approval and possible purchase,
from out of the east, with the face of an idol, the arms of a willow
tree, the pelvis of a camel. Tintinnabula!
Tintinnabula is revealed from behind a curtain, and the music takes on a
more seductive mood. She gestures and vibrates suggestively, walking
over to stand next to Ryouga, jingling her bells and beads which cover
most of her body. She begins dancing around the room, and with each
step the music pounds and pulsates. She lays across Ryouga's chest,
and he reaches for her, then stops himself.
{Everyone, I cound not decide on which Ranma character to cast as
Tintinnabula. Does anyone have a suggestion?}
Ryouga/Pseudolus: [he whispers to Ranma] Is this the one?
Ranma/Hero: No.
Ryouga/Pseudolus: [he looks at Lichus] Don't you have anyone in there a
bit less noisy?
Soun/Lichus: I have. Abratta! A desert bloom of indescribable beauty!
Light as a tigress, wondrous as a flamingo! For a man whose interest
is the wildlife.
Mariko stands up from where she was lying on a bed, and the music takes
on a jungle beat. The african? Well, almost...woman pounds and thrusts
her way around the room, gesticulating wildly. Curtains and drapes
flutter as she passes by, her every motion disturbing the air.
Ryouga points at her, giving Ranma an inquisitive look, and then a
yeah-right look.
Ranma/Hero: No.
Ryouga/Pseudolus: Frankly, I was hoping to live past my wedding night.
She seems a bit too--
Soun/Lichus: No matter. I understand. Consider the Gemini, a matched
pair. Look at them, gentlemen. Either one a divinely assembled woman,
together? An infite number of mathematical possibilities!
The Gemini twins, Linlin and Ranran, slowly step forward, to a light melody
reminiscent of spring, holding forth and pressing forward their
generous attributes. Ryouga looks at Ranma.
Ranma/Hero: [he squeaks] No!
Ryouga/Pseudolus: I am a man of limited means, and I don't suppose you'd
want to break up a set?
Soun/Lichus: Er, I couldn't. You do understand...
Ryouga/Pseudolus: Why, certainly! Do go on. And on. And on. And...
Some of the courtesans cluster around Ranma. One of them offers him a
drink, while another rubs his shoulders. He starts to sweat. "What
will Akane say?" he whispers to himself.
Soun/Lichus: And on! I know what you want. Behold, Panacea! Whose face
holds a thousand promises and body that stands behind each promise!
Satsuki struts forward, dropping her robe. The brunette dances and
gestures, every move speaking of long practice and ability to please.
The music takes on the air of a brass band, with a jazzy yet
delectable quality. Ryouga gestures exasperatedly at Ranma.
Ranma/Hero: [he squeaks again] No...
Ryouga stands up and begins to look Satsuki over, whistling tunelessly.
He pulls open her mouth and looks inside, then downwards at her
cleavage. Closing her mouth, he stands back to back with her,
standing as tall as he can, while Soun looks on in befuddlement.
Ryouga/Pseudolus: Don't misunderstand me, it's the proportions. I love
the breadth, it's the length. She may be the right length, but is she
right for me? You see what I mean. Isn't she a bit too short?
Soun/Lichus: Definitely not! I think...
Ryouga/Pseudolus: [he hunches over] Too tall?
Soun/Lichus: No, that way you're perfect together!
Ryouga/Pseudolus: Yes, but how often will we find ourselves in *this*
position?
Soun/Lichus: [he shakes his head] No need to compromise. [he points at
a far curtain, and Pseudolus hops back onto the couch he had been
reclining on] My final offering, Gymnasia! The silent woman! A giant
stage upon which a thousand dramas may be played!
The curtain opens, and a true giantess is revealed. Or not. Akari
strides forth and Ryouga gapes, momentarily forgetting his lines.
Ranma: Hey Ryouga. Start jiggling.
Ryouga: Wha? Oh.
Reluctantly, he begins to jiggle, gesture, and croak strangely, and Akari
responds in kind.
Soun/Lichus: You can actually speak with her?
Ryouga/Pseudolus: Whilst a child I had a nurse from the isle of silent
women. [he speaks an aside] She can't say the B word right?
Ranma disentangles himself from the courtesans.
Ranma/Hero: May I have my foot back?
The courtesans let him go.
Ranma/Hero: Pseudolus!
Ryouga/Pseudolus: [he coddles Akari] Yes, darling?
Ranma/Hero: Do you want your freedom?
Ryouga/Pseudolus: More than ever! [he takes the purse from Ranma and
gives it to Soun] We'll take her!
Ranma/Hero: Much as I'd like to see you with her instead of Akane, she's
not the one! [he takes the purse back]
Ryouga/Pseudolus: But yours isn't here! [he takes the purse and gives
it to Soun again] It's not nice to walk into a place without buying
something!
Ranma/Hero: [he takes the purse back again] I want my--
Soun/Lichus: Gentlemen, gentlemen! If you must squabble, do it in a
place of less character! I know your type. Shoppers! On your way
out, don't touch the merchandise, it shows every little mark! [he
looks around at the courtesans] Courtesans! Back to your quarters,
I'll be there shortly to lead you in noonday prayer.
Ryouga and Ranma are ushered towards the door, but they notice a blond
beauty walking above them on a balcony, and stop.
Ranma/Hero: There she is!
Ryouga/Pseudolus: One moment. Marcus Lichus, did I not just spy a
golden head and a pair of sky blue eyes wafting down yon balcony? [he
does a doubletake] Hey wait a second, Akane doesn't have--
Soun/Lichus: Oh, that one. It's amazing what you can do with a wig and a
pair of contacts you know. She's a recent arrival from Crete. A
virgin.
Ranma/Hero: [he mutters to himself] Concrete he means. [he speaks out
loud] A virgin? Is that good?
Soun gives Ryouga a strange look, as if to say, is he for real?
Soun/Lichus: Only today she was sold.
Ranma/Hero: Sold!? Then receive oh bosom my fatal blade! [he attempts
to stab himself and misses deliberately] This is really stupid.
Ryouga/Pseudolus: [he takes the knife away] Behave yourself. [he turns
to Soun again] She was sold?
Soun/Lichus: Yes, to the aegis of a great Roman captain. He claims her
this very day!
Ranma/Hero: Today?
Soun/Lichus: She cost 500 meniah!
Ranma/Hero: [he grabs the knife back, and drones halfheartedly] Then
receive oh bosom my--
Ryouga/Pseudolus: [he takes the knife again] Put your bosom away. [to
Soun] You say she just arrived from Crete?
Soun/Lichus: Yes.
Ryouga/Pseudolus: I hope the great captain is kind to her, she deserves
a bit of affection before... [he looks away with a false sadness]
Tragic, is it not?
Soun/Lichus: Wh-what's tragic?
Ryouga/Pseudolus: The news from Crete.
Soun/Lichus: What news?
Ryouga/Pseudolus: Why should I darken your day? Farewell, Lichus!
Soun/Lichus: [he grabs Ryouga by the chin] What is the news!?
Ryouga/Pseudolus: What news?
Soun/Lichus: The news from Crete! [he lets him go]
Ryouga/Pseudolus: You force me to tell you! Crete is being ravaged by a
great plague! People are dying by the thousands!
Soun/Lichus: But this girl is healthy! She goes about, smiling through
the day!
Ryouga/Pseudolus: She doesn't! I thought you knew, when they start to
smile the end is near! [he looks at the audience] Hey, you know?
That sounds a lot like Nerima...!
Soun/Lichus: No!
Ryouga/Pseudolus: Yes. I'm told it is lovely now in Crete, everyone
lying there...smiling. [he smiles sickeningly]
Soun/Lichus: Is it...uh...contagious?
Ryouga/Pseudolus: Ever see a plague that wasn't?
Soun/Lichus: Oh, well...what about my other girls?
Ryouga/Pseudolus: You'd best get her out of here!
Ranma/Hero: Yes!
Soun/Lichus: Yes! But where, how?
Ryouga/Pseudolus: I could take care of her until the captain arrives.
Ranma/Hero: No he won't!
They both stare at Ranma. "What??"
Ranma: Uh, sorry.
Soun/Lichus: Capital! I'll go fetch her. [he turns to go, then looks
back] Uh, why should you risk--
Ryouga/Pseudolus: 'Cause I've already had the plague. I'd tell you all
about it, but I... [he starts blubbering]
Soun/Lichus: There there...I'll go fetch her. [he runs off]
Ranma/Hero: Pseudolus, I'm to be with her! I'm to be with an uncute
tomboy who can't cook! And I hope she didn't hear that!
Ryouga/Pseudolus: Heheh. Until the captain arrives this forenoon. [he
looks up suddenly, a gleam in his eyes] Wait, a brilliant idea!
Ranma/Hero: Yes!?
Ryouga/Pseudolus: [he shrugs] That's what we need, a brilliant idea.
Soun comes running back down the stairs, pushing Akane ahead of him.
Soun/Lichus: Go! Go! Go! Get a move on. Don't touch anything!
Akane/Girl: But--but I--
Soun/Lichus: Mind your breathing, just inhale! Oh, Pseudolus, how kind
you are! I shall not forget this! Someday, I shall repay you, for
you, Pseudolus, are a true friend!
Ryouga/Pseudolus: And you are a gentleman, and a procurer. [he shakes
Soun's hand and rolls his eyes]
Soun bows, very obviously falsely modest.
Ryouga and Ranma leave, Akane in front of them. Soun makes a disgusted
sound, and wipes his hands on his toga.
SCENE: Outside the house of Lichus.
Ranma emerges, pushing Akane with a walking stick.
Akane: You can stop that now, jeez!
Ryouga/Pseudolus: Now, to the garden to break the news!
Ranma/Hero: What news?
Ryouga/Pseudolus: That you're going to run away to marry her!
Ranma/Hero: But won't I catch the plague? [he looks at the audience,
about to make a sarcastic comment. Akane glares at him. He says
nothing.]
Ryouga/Pseudolus: There is no plague! We made it up so as to get her
out of there.
Ranma/Hero: Ah, that was clever of us!
Ryouga/Pseudolus: Wasn't it. I'll high myself to the harbor to hire a
boat, and hoe you to the garden!
Ranma/Hero: [he nods] You high, and I'll hoe.
They separate.
SCENE: At the house of Solex.
Ranma/Hero: My name is Hero.
Akane/Girl: I am called Lydia.
Ranma/Hero: I have often seen you.
Akane/Lydia: I've often seen you too. I've watched you undressing at
night.
Ranma nearly facefaults.
Akane/Lydia: Oh, only from the waist up, it's a very high window. You
have beautiful legs.
Ranma looks down at his legs, and at Akane again.
Ranma/Hero: You do too. Uh, I imagine. [Akane is wearing a dress that
covers her legs. Yes, she is really wearing a dress.]
Akane/Lydia: I would show them to you, but they're sold. I cost five
hundred meniah. Is that a lot of money?
Ranma/Hero: Yes.
Akane/Lydia: More than three hundred?
Ranma/Hero: Nearly twice as much.
Akane/Lydia: I hope the captain doesn't expect me to do a lot of adding.
Ranma/Hero: You can't add?
Akane/Lydia: We are taught charm and grace and no more. I cannot add or
spell or anything. I have but one talent.
Akane begins singing.
"I'm lovely, all I am is lovely
Lovely is the one thing
I can do.
"Winsome, what I am is winsome
Radiant as in some
Dream come true.
"Oh, isn't it a shame
I can neither sew, nor cook
Nor read nor write my name.
"But I'm happy, merely being lovely
For it's one thing I can give to you."
Ranma looks close to tears, desperately trying to stifle a giggle.
Noticing Akane glaring daggers at him, he quickly composes himself.
Ranma/Hero: Lydia, say my name.
Akane/Lydia: Just say your name?
Ranma/Hero: Yes!
Akane/Lydia: Very well then. [she frowns] I've forgotten it.
Ranma/Hero: It's Hero.
Akane/Lydia: Oh, forgive me Hero. I have no memory for names.
Ranma/Hero: You don't need one. You don't need anything. [Ranma looks
at the script and sighs, then looks up at the audience] You really
expect me to sing this don't you? [he shrugs]
Ranma picks up his lyre and begins singing, plucking one string over and
over, and they wander from Hero's house through the woods.
"You're lovely, absolutely lovely
Who'd believe the loveliness
Of you.
"Winsome, sweet and warm and winsome
Radiant as in some
Dream come true.
"Now, Venus would seem tame
Helen and her thousand ships
Would have to die of shame."
Akane begins singing, and they duet.
"And I'm happy, happy that I'm lovely
For there's one thing loveliness can do
It's a gift for me to share with you."
Without thinking, Akane kisses Ranma since the script calls for it.
Ranma's eyes boggle and he looks very nervous. They quickly separate
and stare at each other, blushing, for several long moments.
Sasuke suddenly appears from nowhere.
Sasuke/Hysterium: Psst! Psst! Master Hero, *put that dow*--oh, never
mind...
Ranma/Hero: Hysterium, this is Lydia.
Sasuke/Hysterium: Never mind who she is, who is she? Where did you find
her?
Ranma/Hero: The house of Lichus.
Sasuke/Hysterium: A courtesan, no!
Akane/Lydia: I am a virgin.
Sasuke/Hysterium: [he smiles faintly] Of course. Hero, bid farewell to
this, er, person, so she can go about her business.
Ranma/Hero: No, no no no. Pseudolus--
Sasuke/Hysterium: [he screams] Pseudolus! I might have known it! My
hero, my idol, turned to foul deeds!
SCENE: At the harbor. Ryouga is busily engaged in conning an old
sailor into allowing him passage on a ship. He has with him his trick
dice cup.
Ryouga/Pseudolus: A passage to Thessaria for two at first tide!
Sailor: In one hour. [he looks unhappy]
Ryouga/Pseudolus: Good. Now, care to play for the boat? [he rolls the
dice, with the usual results]
The sailor groans, as Sasuke strides into view glaring at Ryouga.
SCENE: Sasuke is prodding Ryouga as they return through the streets to
the house of Solex.
Sasuke/Hysterium: How dare you, arranging an assignation between an
innocent boy and a you know what!
Ryouga/Pseudolus: There's something about that you know what that you know
not what!
Sasuke/Hysterium: What do I know not what?
Ryouga/Pseudolus: That girl is my daughter.
Sasuke/Hysterium: Your what?
Ryouga/Pseudolus: My daughter. Yes, I'm as surprised as you are. But
you've heard me speak of her.
Sasuke/Hysterium: Never!
Ryouga/Pseduolus: I don't like to talk about her.
Sasuke/Hysterium: That girl is not your daughter.
Ryouga/Pseudolus: My sister?
Sasuke/Hysterium: I go tell his parents!
Ryouga/Pseudolus: Wait! The boy insisted on meeting her, but she's been
sold to a captain who comes to claim her today. What can happen in an
hour or two?
Sasuke/Hysterium: At his age, the mind boggles! I go tell his parents!
Ryouga/Pseudolus: I go with you!
Sasuke/Hysterium: You don't want to be there when I tell them about you.
Ryouga/Pseudolus: I want you to be there when I tell them about you!
Sasuke/Hysterium: About what? I have nothing to fear, I am a pillar of
virtue.
Ryouga/Pseudolus: It might be of interest to them that their pillar of
virtue, their slave in chief, has secreted in the confines of his
quarters the world's most extensive collection of erotic pottery!
Where did you ever find the large fruit bowl with the frieze--
Ryouga displays, in frame by frame sequence, several very provocative
poses, or rather poses which would be very provocative were they
performed by someone of the opposite sex and slimmer build.
Ryouga: Nabiki would be overjoyed you know.
Sasuke/Hysterium: Uh...yes. Well if it is only for an hour or so. [he
smiles blandly]
Ryouga/Pseudolus: Where's the harm? Especially with the master and
mistress safely out of the way.
Ryouga chuckles, and Sasuke halfheartedly joins him. However Sasuke's
laughter quickly degenerates into sobs as soon as Ryouga walks away.
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~ Squeek! Pass the cheese... ~
~ anime@mbay.net Hamlet or Nuku Nuku? ~
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