On Sat, 11 Jan 1997 08:17:56 -0800, Henry J. Cobb <hcobb@slip.net>
wrote:

[Ranma] "Scarlet Spring" (6/?)
By Henry J. Cobb

Dr Tofu used his fingers to probe at Akane's face and head then did the
same to the other Akane.  "Hmmm... neither one of you is wearing a mask
or any significant amount of makeup and I can't find any scars from
cosmetic surgery.  For the moment, I'll need some means to tell you
apart.  I'll call the Akane in the Gi, Akane Green and the Akane in the
school dress Akane Blue, OK?"

Both Akanes nodded.

"But, I have found something interesting.  Akane Green here seems to be
suffering from Xi Fa Xiang Gao."  Dr Tofu examined the top of the other
Akane's head again.

Hey narrator! She's called "Akane Green", OK?

"I can solve this."  The other Akane placed P-chan on the table and
stood up.  "Use your heart Dr Tofu.  Kasumi thinks you're just the
family doctor and an old friend of daddy's.  She doesn't love you, the
way I do."  She hugged him.

OK, we know who this Akane is; nobody else has as much talent for
saying the wrong thing at the wrong time...

"What is it darling?"  The other Akane asked him.

"Come on, he's no help."  Akane said.  This is the worst he's ever
been.  He needs help.  "Come on, let's go ask the family."  Akane picked

You may want to write unquoted thoughts like the above in past tense.
e.g. This is the worst he had ever been.

"Yes Kasumi, is Doc Tofu OK?"

"Yes, he's Ugh! great.  But I'm afraid I'll be delayed for a while.
Could you finish up supper please?"

"Sure Kasumi, see you soon."

Why had Kasumi been so short of breath?  Had she run all the way to the
doctor's?  It seemed so unlike her.

AAAAAA!!!! Couldn't you be just a little less crass and unsubtle?

BTW, I don't think either of these girls is the real Akane. Akane Blue
is obviously Nozomu Nikaido from Maison Ikkoku. :-)

Akane stepped on a leaf and Ranma spun around.

"Who are you?"  He asked her.

"I'm Akane Tendo, your fiancee."

How about some pun action here?

"Where have I heard 'Akane' before? Ohhhhh... I know! It's one of
those brown and white dogs!"

"That's 'a collie.'"

"It's one of those people Senator McCarthy said were trying to take
over the world!"

"That's 'a commie'!"

"It's one of those things you're supposed to wear so you don't get
pregnant!"

"..."

By Thursday the other girls at school were doing Janken.  Naturally they
didn't invite Akane into their game.

Poor Rudolph. (What's Janken, anyway?)

I want to scream bloody murder.  I want to slap him.  I want to grab
something big and heavy and knock him over the head with it.  I want to
shake him until he acknowledges that I exist.  But, it's not his fault.
I wonder, if I got out of the tub, naked and wet, and hugged him, would
he even notice?

Hey, when did we switch into first person narrative here?!?

When they returned to the Dojo, Shampoo had vanished.

Did she leave a note saying "Bie liao"?

Gary

Gary Kleppe
kleppe@execpc.com, Home page http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe
My fanfics and the FFML map are on my comics/manga page,
       http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics