On Fri, 10 Jan 1997 19:12:29 -0600, Blackbird
<jmccrabb@mindspring.com> wrote:
Nihao, China! (1/?)
By: Jenni McCrabb
"Blackbird"
Nihao, Blackbird!
It was a beautifully hot summer day as Ranma Saotome and Akane Tendou walked home from their last day of school until September. Ranma walked along the edge of the fence sulking and thinking of how his father was going to kill him for the low marks he made in school.
You tend to write in long sentences. It might read a little more
smoothly if you broke them into smaller ones. For example,
"It was a beautiful hot summer day. Ranma Saotome and Akane Tendou
walked home from their last day of school until September. Ranma
walked along the edge of the fence sulking. He was thinking of how his
father was going to kill him for the low marks he made in school."
(The same applies throughout.)
"Pack?" she said, "where are we going?"
"To China," Genma answered, "we're going on a training trip."
This was sudden. Methinks Genma has reasons for wanting this trip that
he's not telling the kids about...
"Well son, a true martial artist can turn any situation into training. We leave in the morning." *SPLASH* The words were barley out of Genma's mouth before a splash of cold water hit him and turned him into a panda. Ranma stood there holding a bucket.
That is something Ranma would do, but I don't see why he did it at
that moment. Doesn't he want Genma to explain the reason for this
trip?
"So, you and Akane are going on a training trip to China," Ryouga said. "I know you don't expect me to just stay here while you find the Spring of Drowned Man without me. I also can't let a pervert like you travel with my beautiful Akane. Someone has to be there to defend her from the likes of you."
I don't think Ryouga would call Akane "my Akane". Yes, he'd *like* her
to be his...
"Ranma! I told you not to pick on him! Come on baby, let's go to bed." Akane picked up the little pig and slammed her door as Ranma rubbed his cheek where Akane had slapped him. Fine, let her sleep with the little runt, like I care. Stupid tomboy. He thought.
Stupid tomboy, he thought.
"I packed you all some lunches. I thought you might liked to take them with you," Kasumi smiled.
"Why thank you, Kasumi, I'm sure they'll be wonderful," Genma said.
But when they're gone, you'll have to eat.... (scary music) AKANE'S
COOKING !!!!!
They reached the docks a little before noon. Genma led them down to a pier where a small rowboat sat in the water. It was equipped with two oars and looked as if it was about 200 years old and going to fall apart at any minute.
Heh. Sounds like exactly the thing Genma would come up with.
"Now, twondent that one of the oddest things you ever did see?" said one member of the town.
You may want to indicate translations from Mandarin somehow. Maybe
with <angle brackets> or some such thing.
managed to join them a few moments later, having evaded Shampoo somehow. The restaurant seemed to be owned by a family of ninjas.
How could they tell?
"Oh...I remember that now. I didn't do that damage, Shampoo did, go after her if you want, you ain't getting nothing from me," Ranma said. Genma, in his human form say
sat
"Fine the,
then,
This is good ol' original flavor stuff. The characterizations all seem
good. I don't know about this plot. It's too soon to see where it's
going. I hope Akane being kidnapped and Ranma having to rescue her
isn't the main plot, because that kind of thing has been done so much
already. You're using a lot of standard Ranma elements in here, which
is fine by me, but now it's time to add something different.
Gary
Gary Kleppe
kleppe@execpc.com, http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe