Gratuitous Self Part Two: The Twice-Baited Trap
Takezo had posted his fanfic, 'Turning Road', on the mailing list and
had been waiting for quite some time for C&C. Three days, to be exact.
"I wonder why no one's responded to my fanfic?", he said to Bob, who
was proofreading part two of 'Turning Road'.
"What do you expect?", Bob replied. "It's a fairly new fanfic without a
following yet You haven't stepped on any toes, 'sfar as I can tell,
and..."
"And what?"
"And you haven't ASKED for any C&C."
As Takezo was facefaulting (a very painful thing to do in the real
world), Bob continued reading.
---
"Another mixed pizza, please!"
"Nabiki," asked Takezo, "are you always this hungry?"
Nabiki blinked at the unexpected question. "What do you mean?"
"I mean, you're always eating! Nearly everytime I see you, if you're
not counting mo....er...."
"Counting money," Nabiki finished.
"Uh, right. If you're not counting your earings, you're eating
something."
---
Come to think of it, thought Bob as he looked up from the manuscript
for a moment, he's right.
---
Where is she putting it all? thought Takezo as he watched Nabiki finish
off her mixed pizza.
"Aa, oishi katta!", said Nabiki as she wiped her mouth and hands with
her napkin.
"I'm glad you enjoyed it," said Takezo. "Check, please," he cried out
to the nearest waitress.
"Here you go!", said the pink-haired waitress as she handed him the
platter with the bill.
"NANI?! 2500 yen?!" screamed Takezo...only in his mind, of course.
Instead, he looked up at the smiling waitress (funny, he thought. Are
those fangs?) and asked with all the composure he could muster up, "Are
you sure?"
"Hai!"
*grumble* With reluctance, he handed over 3000 yen.
"I'll return with your change!" And with that the perky waitress left.
Nabiki said, "I really appreciate this..." and gave Takezo a sweet (and
no doubt calculated) smile.
At that moment, Takezo forgot all about pizza and
yen..."I...er...I...I...."
---
Hmmm, thought Bob. So far, so good. Nabiki's in character, Takezo's
reasonably normal...And he managed the odd in-joke.
---
Suddenly, two women entered the restaurant, firing semi-automatic
weapons everywhere. Mice crawled out from everywhere, pursued by the
strange pink-haired waitress.
Takezo leapt up, stood in front of Nabiki and took a bullet...
---
"Alright! What's this about this totally out-of-nowhere commando raid
on Akies' Restaurant? And this 'noble' sacrifice?"
"It's no good, huh?"
"Damn straight!"
Takezo glumly deleted the offending paragraphs and rewrote.
---
Walking through the park, Nabiki and Takezo were stopped by a pack of
mean-looking gang members.
"Nice girl you got there, friend.", one of the thugs said menacingly.
Nabiki simply crossed her arms and smirked.
Takezo, on the other hand, simply said, "Don't you people know who
you're dealing with?"
"Should we?"
Takezo Musashi drew a katana from - for lack of a better term,
hammerspace - and announced...
"I am Takezo Musashi, Student of the five Rings!"
---
"Hey! What did I tell you about this self-glorifying crap?"
"But...But...Don't you know who Takezo Musashi is?"
"Besides you? I know, I know. Musashi Miyamoto's teenage name. Musashi
being the greatest swordsman who ever lived, founder of the schools of
The Way of the Water and the Five Rings of the elements. So?"
"Actually his name was Takezo Miyamoto, but, yeah, that's the
one....What do you mean so?"
"So..."
"Let me do my thing, okay?"
"*sigh* Okay, but I'm warning you, this will come off as obnoxious..."
"Yeah, yeah, obnoxious. Get a new line, that one's getting old."
---
Konoichi was having a bad day.
This was the fourth girl he and his friends propositioned this day that
didn't respond as predicted.
The first one simply stopped playing her saxophone long enough to beat
the crap out of them.
The second one got lost in some fog right after she shouted 'Shabon
Spray' or something like that.
The green-haired one pointed at him and shouted, 'Divine Retribution'
before he somehow got electrocuted and blacked out.
Now this girl simply had a boyfriend with a katana. Wonderful.
Takezo put his finger in a hole in the handle crossbar and started
spinning the sword. He rushed the thugs, shouting, "Cyclone Blade!"
---
"Cyclone Blade?"
"C'mon," said Takezo, "don't you know the reference?"
"I do, but..."
"But?"
"Musashi Miyamoto was right. It DOES sound like the name of a bicycle."
---
Standing amid the unconscious bodies of the gang members...
---
"Unconscious?"
"Well, he...he just hit them with the flat of the blade."
"Uh-huh. Very likely."
---
...Takezo sheathed his sword, which he put away (probably in
hammerspace again), and turned to face Nabiki, expecting a look of
amazement, perhaps? Or utter adoration?
Nabiki looked at him with the blank look girls usually use to totally
deflate a guy's ego and said in the flat tone used for the same purpose,
"Are you done?"
---
Very good, thought Bob. Nabiki's character hasn't slipped yet.
---
Nabiki, catching herself (The date's not over yet, girl! Don't ruin
this!) , immediately said, "Er...I mean, WOW! SUGOI! KAKUII!"
Takezo recovered from his initial disappiontment, continued like he
didn't notice Nabiki's first comment, and scratched his head sheepishly
and said, "You think so?"
"Yup!"
---
Oh, boy, thought Bob. This is the part where Nabiki sucks him dry.
---
"I love this dress!"
"Um, I can buy it for you..."
"Really? No, that's too much..."
"No, I insist..."
---
Sucker, thought Bob.
---
"Wow! I'd love to have a bracelet like that!"
"Would you really?" I can still afford it, thought Takezo, but that'll
mean no lunch for a month..."I...can get it for you..."
"Really? Oh no, that's really to much for me to ask..."
"No, I insist..."
---
Hoo boy, thought Bob. Classic Nabiki tactics. Maybe this is what they
had in mind when they invented the phrase 'highway robbery'...
---
"It''s okay," said Takezo. "Buy as much as you want! My family is VERY
RICH, after all, our assets are a mere 3 trillion yen..."
---
"AAAARGH! You can't possibly use this! This is banal! This is total
crap! Above all, this is totally convenient for your character, and is
flagrant self-glorification!"
"No! I'm keeping it in!"
This calls for a different tactic, thought Bob. "Oh, come now," he
said, "you mean you want your character to win Nabiki over through sheer
virtue of wealth? What kind of victory is that? An empty one, I tell
you. You won't feel satisfied if your character wins he over this way!"
"You're right!", said Takezo. "It's a hollow victory!" And with that,
he removed the offending line, and started off on a different tack.
Bob thought of the words of a very intelligently-depicted (which
basically makes him a rarity in the sometimes bigoted medium of anime)
Afro-American character which seemed very appropriate at that moment,
"Heheh, he sure is easy to manipulate."
---
At the end of the day...
"That was a wonderful date, Takezo. I really enjoyed myself. Thank
you."
"I'm glad, Nabiki. Um, Nabiki...*blush*"
"Yes?"
"Um...I was wondering, when...when we could go out together again."
"I sorry," said Nabiki unflinchingly, coldly, almost mechanically, the
way she had said to countless other suitors before, "...but I don't
think we should see each other again."
"Why?! What did I do wrong? What is wrong with me?"
Funny, thought Nabiki with grim amusement (or is it bemusement?), no
one's ever asked her that. "Nothing, really...It's just that I'm still
young," she improvised, "and I don't want to be tied down."
"Oh. I see. It's true then."
"What's true?"
"You only make the guys who like you to spend money for you. It's
true."
That's the answer I usually get, Nabiki thought. But, it seems
different this time. Almost.....threatening. No, that's not the word. It
seems...it feels like...a challenge.
"I was going to prove them all wrong," continued Takezo. "Heh. What a
complete and utter fool I was."
Nabiki was trying to ignore this speech long enough to put in action
the final part of the scam. "By the way..."
"Yes?"
"I really liked your letter to me. I liked it so much, in fact,
that..."
"That?"
"That I made copies of it. I can't wait to show them off to everyone!
Unless...you'd care to buy them from me."
---
"God, she's so evil!" exclaimed Bob. "I like that!"
"Mmm..." was all Takezo could say.
"So, this is the part where poor Takezo parts with the rest of his
money, right?"
"Um..."
---
Takezo simply looked at Nabiki blankly. Then, for a split second, he
cracked a slight smile, which he quickly suppressed.
What is he thinking? wondered Nabiki. He can't be thinking of attacking
me out here in broad daylight...basides, he doesn't seem like the type.
So what...
Takezo interrupted her thoughts. "I'm glad you liked it," he said, his
voice totally even. "I'm sure your friends will like the letter as much
as you did."
Nabiki's eyes widened (for a split second), expressing an emotion she
was not accustomed to, or even felt often...complete astonishment.
He's....he's good!, she thought. But she quickly recovered, and replied,
"I'm sure they will."
A gust of wind blew past the two, unnoticed.
---
"Oh. My. God.", was all Bob could say. "It seems totally out of
character for Nabiki," he said after regaining coherent thought, "but it
makes complete sense."
"You like it?", asked Takezo as he beamed proudly.
"It's...It's so blatantly self-glorifying, and in spite of that...no,
BECAUSE of that, it leaves me speechless. Kinda makes me wanna puke and
shake your hand at the same time."
"I'll take that as a complement. So," continued Takezo, "you think the
FFML guys'll like it?"
"Not if they can't stand GSIF's. And not if they're GSIF writers with a
thing for Nabiki. They'll nitpick your work so much that, if you follow
everything they say, you'll end up writing THEIR story."
"I reallly don't care anymore. I'm posting it."
"Suit yourself."
Epilogue:
In a conference room undefined by physical dimensions, and possible
only through the magic of technology, the Holy Crusaders of Nabiki Tendo
were holding an emergency meeting to discuss a plan of action against
the blasphemous fanfic, 'Turning Road'.
"This meeting of the Holy Crusaders shall now come to order. What shall
our course of action be against that heretic, Takezo Musashi?"
"But, High Commander, what about the scheduled showing of images of out
goddess..."
"Much as it is important, it must wait. Do I hear any suggestions?"
"A flame war, milord?"
"Already considered, and has already been set into motion. However, a
mere flame war is too good for that heretic. We must find a way to
punish the scoundrel far beyond the standard measures. His blasphemy
goes far beyond those innocent ramblings of those who would win the hand
of our goddess in their fevered imaginations though combat, or vulgar
displays of sheer power. We know that they are merely delusionary, as if
our goddess would fawn over ordinary displays of...it is a colloquial
term. I would avoid using it if there were any analogue in...no mattter.
Over ordinary displays of machismo.
"But no," the High Commander continued, "this.....heretic....would
attempt to prevail over our goddess at her own game...psychological
warfare! His sin approaches that of the Creator Takahashi's greatest
mistake and most evil creation. The devil himself...Kasha-Oh Kinnosuke!
And for this, he must pay!"
"An e-mail bomb, Lord High Commander?", suggested one Knight.
"No, too simple, and too...mundane. We need a more fitting punishment
for our dear Takezo Musashi."
"Milord," said one Initiate, "forgive me for speaking out of turn, as I
am a mere Initiate, but I believe I have the proper method of getting
back at the heretic."
Amid cries of protest at the breach of ettiquette, the High Commander
replied, "Very well, Initiate, but if your suggestion is not good, your
Knight-in-command must punish you for speaking out of turn."
"My Liege, I am quite confident that my suggestion is impeccable, else
I would not have broken the rules so flagrantly. It is a new invention
of mine. I call it...The Retaliation Fanfic."
"Interesting. Please enlighten us on how it works."
IN PART 3: The Retaliation Fanfic! What insidious method of punishment
is this? Will Takezo weather this new trial? What will the response of
those non-Crusaders on the FFML be? Will the FFML ever be the same? Will
anyone get all the in-jokes? Will I finally tire of this fanfic?
Probably not...
Someone called this fanfic a 'twice-baited trap'. I agree. I'm almost
afraid that people will read this not for the story, but to wait until I
slip up and fall into the 'self-gratifying' trap. Well, I hope that's
not going to happen...besides, the purpose of this entire project was to
entertain...and to poke fun at all GSIF writers (just harmless fun,
guys. You know who you are...or then again, maybe not. Otherwise, I'd
have gotten a reaction by now.)
Oh yeah, I'm not recommending for anyone to actually write a
'Retaliation Fanfic' against another person. No matter how bad a fanfic
(or its writer) may be, it's generally bad taste to tamper with
another's fanfic without prior consent (although it WOULD be
entertaining for us dispassionate third-party observers - hint hint).
And the scorecard:
Pink-haired waitress: 5 pts.
Girl with sax: 10 pts.
'Shabon Spray': 5 pts.
'Divine Retribution': 5 pts.
'Cyclone Blade': 50 pts!!!
Hammerspace: 10 pts.
"Sure is easy to manipulate": 10 pts.
Kasha-Oh Kinnosuke: 10 pts.
Any C&C (and guesses for the in-jokes) would be greatly apprecitated. I
crave C&C like I crave for wasabi-flavored potato chips (no, really,
they're quite good).
So, 'till Part Three, Sayonara!
TimeRunner, January 11, 1997
BONUS: "Kimi ni, zutto soban ittehoshi!" - 10 pts