Greetings all.  I'm not sure if this got posted properly last week as
I immediately had rather large (and expensive) parts fall off my computer
around the same.  Soooooo, I'm a postin it again.
        If ya'll already sent C&C, I didn't get it due to being really out
of touch (actually, more than usual).  I'd appreciate it if you'd resend your
comments.

                 Son of Japanese Ranma TV From Hell
                     (A genuine Japlish title.)
                  By two guys named Greg and Fester


     [Two figures, sitting in a aging former police car parked under
an old bridge swarming with cops, stare out the front window.]

Greg: It's 12 hours till dawn.  We've got a clean disk, a full   
humidor of cigars, a case of Fosters, it's dark and we're wearing dark
glasses.

Uncle Fester: Let's do it, laddie.

***** ? *****

Little noticed AP news story.

     Dateline: Washington DC - Due to mounting international debt, the
US government has arranged for the sale of most of America's older
television shows and every cable system in the country to Nippon
Television.  The Japanese television network assured the American
producers that no changes would be made to their original shows. 
However, their cable service may experience some 'changes'.


**********


Greg: What's on the tube tonight?  That new cable system any good?

Uncle Fester: [Staring at the TV, jaw open, eyes wide] Ya wonna
believe it, laddie.


########## [*click*] ##########

[Line of cats dressed in old band uniforms, blowing long horns with
'M' banners on each.] Tatatata-tatatata-tatatatatatata-tata.

Group: [Singing] Who's the leader of the club that's made for you and
me?

Bigger group: M-O-U S-S-E, Moussie, Moussie, Duck (Quack)

Group: [Still singing] Hey there! Hi there! Ho there!  You're as
welcome as can be.

Bigger group: M-O-U S-S-E, Moussie, Moussie, Duck (Quack)

########## [*click*] ##########

[Scene of Soun Tendo running through his house.]

Hokey country singer: [singing] Come and listen to my story of a man
named Soun.  A poor widower barely kept his kin in tune.  Then one
day...

########## [*click*] ##########

[Black & white movie.  Genma, dressed as a wacky scientist, is
explaining Japan's secret weapon to Pilot Officer Ranma, dressed in
his flying uniform.]

Genma: [Speaking Japanese with a German accent] Do you understand,
mein young Saotome?

Ranma: [Snapping to attention] Hai! Professor.  This bomb is the
result of spitting atoms.

Genma: That's SPLITTING atoms, bakakopf!

Ranma: [Shrugging shoulders] Whatever... It goes 'BOOM', right?

Genma: Like you wouldn't believe.

Ranma: And its power is enough to destroy the entire American fleet in
a single blow.

Genma: Ja.  Are you sure you want to go through with this?

Ranma: [turning dramatically away] I'm prepared to sacrifice my life
for my martial arts, er, country.  Just so long as it's not my
manhood.

Genma: Errr, perhaps you should wait a few minutes before leaving.

Ranma: Why?

Genma: It's raining outside.

Ranma: Oh...

[At the airfield.  Akane(dressed in WW 2 Japanese nurse uniform)
clinging to the arm of Pilot Officer Ranma as he attempts to board his
bomber.]

Akane: [pleading] Oh, Ranma, Ranma, my love, you cannot sacrifice
yourself this way.  Think of me.  Think of our unborn baby.

Ranma: [In an overly gallant voice] I am a man of high principle,
Akane.  I fight for the protection of the underdog; the defeat of the
oppressors; the preservation of my family.  

Akane: [Skeptical] Yeah, so?

Ranma: [Slightly shaken] So... I will pilot our last remaining bomber
to drop our latest weapon on the foolish American fleet and save our
people. [Grins at camera.  Teeth create a sparkle effect.]  For that
is what a hero does, ne?

Akane: [Very skeptically] Didn't we start the war?

Ranma: [Very quickly] Nasty imperialist American rumor.

Akane: [Her arms wrapped around Ranma's leg] How will you find the
fleet, my darling?

Ranma: [pointing to an approaching officer] Why, I've got the best
navigation officer left in Japan.

Akane: [looking astonished]  You don't mean...

Ranma: Yes, Ensign Ryouga Hibiki will navigate the strike.

Nabiki: [dressed like a 'comfort' girl] We're doomed.

Ryouga:  Nonsense.  All I have to do is turn left at Hiroshima then
drop the bomb.  Or was that drop the bomb, then turn left?  No no, It
was drop the bomb then turn RIGHT.  Yeah, that's it.

Nabiki: [still dressed like a  comfort' girl] I'm offering 8 to 1 odds
that the goof misses the ocean entirely.

Akane: I'm in for 10.

Genma: Me too.

Ranma: I'll take that.  Only an idiot could miss an entire ocean.

[Everybody watches as Ensign Ryouga climbs into the wrong plane.]

########## [*click*] ##########

Mousse: [Dressed in tuxedo and wearing antlers] Hey, Akane!  Watch me
pull a panda out of my hat.

Akane: [Wearing a fluffy tail and powder blue leather flying helmet] 
Again!?!

Mousse: [Tearing sleeve off] Nothin up my sleeve. [Half the inventory
of Montgomery Wards falls on the floor] Presto! [Reaches into hat and
pulls out Mr. Saotome in Panda form.]  

Panda: [holding sign] Roar!

Mousse: [looking perplexed] Ooooo.  Don't know my own gag.

########## [*click*] ##########


[Scene of baseball game]

Announcer: Well, folks, it's the bottom of the ninth, two outs, bases
loaded and the home team trails by one.  Coming to bat for Nerima is
their best hitter; Ranma Saotome.  Listen to that crowd roar.

Crowd - All three of them: [bored] Yeaaaaa.

Announcer: Saotome digs in.  The pitcher goes into his wind up. And...
wait... ladies and gentlemen, I don't believe it.  The sprinkler
system has just activated itself.  

[Cut to scene of maintenance shed where Ryouga is rolling on the floor
laughing after turning on the sprinklers]

[Cut back to game.]

Announcer: Everyone, including Saotome is getting... wait a minute....
This is incredible!  Ranma Saotome has turned into a... a...  girl'! 
I don't believe it.  The umpires are huddling...... yes..... I believe
we're going to get a ruling.... Saotome has been ruled an illegal
substitution and declared 'out'.  The game's over.  Nerima loses
again!

########## [*click*] ##########

Announcer: Tonight on Meeting of Minds.  William F. Buckley will
debate Tatewaki Kuno on the empirical evidence that life began with a
big bang.

########## [*click*] ##########

Announcer: Last time you remember, Ranma Saotome's mother was paying
the Tendo's a little visit.

[Close up of Nodoka] What about Nodoka and her mysterious bundle. 
Does it contain the child her husband has never seen or is she still
the family 'cut up'.

[Close up of Soun] How well does Soun Tendo know Nodoka?  Are the
rumors true?  Does he really cry because he suffers for the pain of
others or because he fears discovery by his best friend Genma Saotome. 
[Soun jumps a little as Nodoka 'gooses' him.]

[Close up of Genma] And what about Genma Saotome?  Is he really the
saint he appears to be?  Has he been 'stepping out' on his wife with
the panda down at the zoo.  What *has* he been doing out in the bamboo
grove with the other pandas?

[Close up of smirking Nabiki] Will Nabiki Tendo clean up with her
extorsion ideas?  Is she really pregnant? [Nabiki's eyes pop wide
open] Will the rest of the fanfiction community ever forgive Uncle
Fester for writing that damn otakufic series? [Greg and Uncle Fester's
eyes pop wide open as they look at each other.]

[Close up of Kasumi, looking shocked, hands in front of mouth.] Will
sweet Kasumi Tendo succumb to the evil Chris Willmore's desires and
serve the family stir fried Panda?  And why does she always seem to
have money?  Where, exactly, does she go during the day?  Is Dr.
Tofu's place really a doctor's clinic or is it an undercover house of
prostitution where Kasumi is the star attraction? [Kasumi gives camera
a really weird but vacant look.]

[Close up of Tatewaki and Kodachi Kuno looking in window] Will Nerima
ever find out just what perversions are taking place out at the Kuno
estate?  [Both Kuno's look shocked at the camera]  Does 'Kodachi'
really mean 'little long sword'?  And what could that possibly mean to
this brother-sister combination?

[Close up of Ukyou sticking head inside door] And what about sweet
Ukyou Kuonji?  Will Zen ever write her a happy ending?  Or will she be
subjected to innumerable unspeakable indignities by other fanfic
writers until she is forced to join the despicable Dr. Tofu in his
'clinic' as an appetizer?  Will the authorities finally figure out why
her okonomiyaki is so popular and arrest her for illegal use of the
secret 'seven herbs and spices' first found in Kentucky Fried Chicken? 
Will this explain why KFC is one of the fastest growing fast food
chains in Japan?

[Close up of Ryouga standing on a coral reef somewhere off the
Australian coast]  Will the young Ryouga ever get over his swine
fetish?  Will the family ever discover Akane's been sleeping with a
cursed male? [Akane casts startled look at Ranma] No the *other*
cursed male!

[Close up of sweating Akane]  And what about Akane Tendo?  Will she
get herself killed again by some fanfiction writer who has a deep down
personal love attraction to the violent youngest daughter of Soun
Tendo?  Will she resolve her objections to her fiance or will she find
their differences just too... kinky?  Will some other fanfiction
writer who has a deep down personal love attraction to the violent
youngest daughter of Soun Tendo, write her as a lesbian only to have
her fall in love with one of her own sisters? [Akane's eyes pop wide
open as she notices Nabiki and Kasumi sliding closer, a smouldering
look in their eyes.]

[Close up of shocked Ranma]  And finally what about the indomitable
Ranma Saotome?  Will Kun-chan pass up the opportunity to do the first
Ranma solo lemon story?  Will Ranma ever 'come to grips' with his
female side?  Will Shampoo finally get the 'best' of him?  [Shampoo
makes two handed squeezing motions about chest high to camera.]  Will
he ever learn not to take off his wet clothes in front of Soun Tendo
after he turns into a she? [Soun stops crying makes panting faces at
camera.]  Will Akane ever 'come to grips' with his perversions? 
[Akane, trapped between two amorous looking sisters, mouths 'HELP' at
camera.]

     Tune in next time to - The Nightmare On Takahashi Street.

########## [*click*] ##########

[Kasumi kneeling in middle of family dojo holding bottle of liquid
cleaner]

Kasumi: To get those hard to remove blood and guts stains out of *our*
dojo's floor, I rely on the proven power of...

########## [*click*] ##########

Announcer: Mousse-keteer role call - count - off - now!

Akane: [Grinning at camera] Akane!

Ryouga: [Facing wrong way] Ryouga!

Shampoo: [Jiggling] Annette!

All: You're not Annette.

Shampoo: Can be if I want!

Ukyou: You're just Shampoo in a Wonder Bra.

Shampoo: Shampoo no wear bra.

Ranma: Oh yeah.  I knew that...

Akane: WHAT?!?  HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT!?!?

Ranma: Eeeep!

[Scene of unbelievable violence.]

########## [*click*] ##########

[Scene of News set]

Announcer: Welcome to the Six O'clock News.  With your anchors: Ranma
Saotome and Akane Tendo.  Also: Weatherman Ryouga Hibiki; Financial
News from Nabiki Tendo; and Sports with Shampoo.

[Camera cuts to two shot of Ranma and Akane sitting at desk.  A large
blue screen currently showing the station's logo hangs between them in
the background.]

Ranma: [Shuffling papers] Ah... Konnichi wa.  Ah... [digging through
papers]  Our top story tonight is... ah... Panda mange on the
increase.  Doctors baffled.  [Turns to look at Akane] Akane?...

Akane: [After a good face fault before whispering to Ranma.] Panda
mange?  THAT's your lead story?

Ranma: [Defensively] Hey, you sleep with someone that has it and fleas
and see how important it becomes to *you*.

Akane: [Still looking incredulously at her co-anchor] In other news, a
five alarm fire in downtown Nerima today destroyed a popular Chinese
Restaurant.  The cause of the blaze is unknown.  However, witnesses
claim to have seen a duck, a white cat, ... [glances nervously at the
camera]... a little black pig... and a red head girl... [stops reading
and looks at Ranma who is busy looking at the ceiling and silently
whistling] running from the scene.  If anyone has any information...

Ranma: [Quickly recovering and moving on] And now for tonight's
weather with stand in weatherman Tsubasa Kurenai.  [Hissing at Akane]
I *told* you that idiot Ryouga couldn't find his way to the studio.

[Cut to part of studio with giant weather map scotch taped to the
wall.  Little clouds, suns, and lightning bolts are taped to its
surface.  A large public mail box comes waddling onto the set.]

Tsubasa: [Voice coming from inside of mail box] I hear it's a
beautiful evening outside tonight.  Of course, I wouldn't know due to
being stuck inside this mailbox.  [A long wooden pointer slowly
extends from the mail slot and begins randomly poking at the map]
Tomorrow, It's gonna be sunny over much of Japan mixed with occasional
rain, sleet, snow, a few tornados, and a really neat earthquake; but
I'm not going to tell you where.  [Pointer begins waiving around
wildly] Temperatures will be too hot to wear a mailbox in the southern
half of the country but just right for a light umbrella stand over the
northern portions.  [Pointer snags on a section around Hokkido]  You
can expect unseasonably seasonable temperatures with higher than
normal and typical but not too heavy precipitation, much of which will
never reach the ground. [Tsubasa yanks on pointer, ripping entire map
down.]

Ranma: [From over at the main desk] Then... tomorrow will be a
pleasant day?

Tsubasa: [Face faults the entire mailbox] I... just... don't have any
idea.  However, it IS going to be hot and smelly inside thi...

Akane: Thank you , Tsubasa.  And now for Financial news with Nabiki
Tendo.  [Turns to left to look at the Financial Reporter] Nabiki?

Nabiki: [Acknowledging Akane's introduction] Thank you, little sis.
[Turns to camera and gives 'cat who ate the mouse' smile] This week
was really an up week for me.  Betting pools were all financially
rewarding (All except the Kansas State - BYU game but, heck, everybody
who's not a Mormon took a hosing on that one.)  [Grins at Ranma and
Akane who stare blankly back]  Ahem...Yes, well, extortion's up 25
percent, the price for common pictures of Ranma-chan or Akane have
gone up almost 50 percent, and my personal net worth has skyrocketed.. 
[Looks nervously at Ranma and Akane once again before swallowing hard
and finishing her report with a phony grin]  All in all, I'm bullish
on Nerima.

[For several seconds, Ranma and Akane continue to stare at Nabiki as
the Executive Producers, Minami Takayama and Angela Costain, converge
on the sweating Financial reporter, long sharp implements of torture
gleaming in the studio lights.]

########## [*click*] ##########

[Scene of small lake somewhere up in the Japanese highlands.  A lone
figure stands serenely in knee deep water, arms crossed, looking
proudly across the water to the far shore.]

Announcer:  And now, Fishing with Tatewaki Kuno...

[Figure draws katana, assumes appropriate martial stance for a couple
of minutes before furiously flailing about the surface of the water
with the sword.]

########## [*click*] ##########

[Old black and white movie.  Ranma, Akane, and Soun run onto the scene
and pause in front of a really poor background showing some stock
footage of a recent warehouse fire somewhere in Tokyo before looking
back the way they came.  You can tell this is an old Japanese movie as
the lips of the actors are out of sync with the sound track.]

Akane: [Lips moving furiously for several seconds.]  Look, its the
monster!

Soun: [Nodding without moving mouth.]  Yes, it's coming.

Ranma: [Wiping nose with rag.] It will devour us all.

[Giant monster foot suddenly appears above the trio]

Akane: [Lips really work fast this time - lasts almost two minutes.] 
We're doomed.

Soun: [Staring up at the giant foot, mouth opens and closes once.]
This is all our fault.  Our carelessness created this monster.  I wish
we hadn't fooled around with atomic powered credit cards.

Ranma: [Looking disgusted at the camera.] I just wish my lips matched
the dialog once in a while.

[Akane and Genma give Ranma a disgusted look as the giant foot crushes
the trio.  Camera pans up the front of the monster.  Up, up past the
long shapely legs.  Up past the deliciously rounded hips.  Up past the
tight, trim, sexy waist.  Up past the 38C, barely contained, straining
at the seams, looks really soft to the touch, set of knockers. 
(Smack, drool)]

Announcer: [Who's lips DO match his dialog.]  Yes, the most feared
monster on the Ginza... Nabsilla!

########## [*click*] ##########

[Colorful montage of Anime scenes and characters.  There's Ranma and
Akane, the Knight Sabers, the gang from Mason Ikkouko, the cast of the
Venus Wars, Sailor Moon and her gang, Nuku-Nuku, and on and on...]

Announcer: You've tuned to the all new, 24 hour a day, Japanese Anime
Channel.  Where, you'll see the best in Japanese Animation all the
time - every day.  This month we'll be showing you continuous repeats
of Speed Racer and Samurai Pizza Cats...

Greg AND Uncle Fester: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

########## [*click*] ##########
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########## [*click*] ##########
########## [*click*] ##########
########## [*off*] ##########

Greg: [Gasping for breath] That was...

Uncle Fester: [Equally winded] ...unbelievable, laddie.

Greg: What now?

Uncle Fester: [Getting up and tossing the remote back on the sofa.]  I
think I'll go write another chapter in my Nabiki series (Available at
better web sites everywhere) [Pulls out laptop].

Greg: [Unplugging the TV for good.]  I think I'll check my E-mail.  I
wrote some silly thing about the Japanese taking over all our cable
systems and old TV shows and posted it to the fanfic mailing list.  I
wonder if anyone read it.