A new year...which, of course, means new fanfics. Hundreds of the
little buggers. Boy, you'da thought we would have run out of ideas by now.
While I have no idea what new gems 'o the English language will darken our
screens in 1997, here's what you certainly, definitely, absolutely,
probably won't be seeing from your favorite authors.

FICS WE PROBABLY _WON'T_ SEE IN 1997


1. The Wedding, by Kun-chan

   After Ryoga's tragic death via sausage grinder, Shampoo and 
Ranma finally confess their love for each other and get 
married. Akane (who in a long monologue reveals that she's 
actually a violent, psychotic lesbian) utterly fails to notice. 
Although the author assures us that they go at it every night 
like rabbits on aphrodisiacs, no actual lemon scenes.


2. Within the Candle-Wick, by Chris Willmore

   Ranma and Akane spend a pleasant day together, and then 
have a romantic candlelight dinner. No-one goes mad, kills 
anyone, performs any kind of cannibalism or perversion, 
travels through time, or rapes any water ladies.


3. Housework, cowritten by Jeff Hosmer and Susan Doenime

   Kasumi reveals herself to be a genius. After cooking dinner, 
performing complex calculus equations in her head, and saving 
the world as we know it from complete destruction, she 
marries Dr. Tofu. Both of them are deliriously happy together, 
and Kasumi turns out to be the best mom in the world.


4. Thy Sideways Cream Pie, by Richard Lawson

   A slapstick comedy making fun of fics that pair up Nabiki 
and Kuno, have Ranma attracted to men, and end the series. A 
sizable portion is also devoted to putting down the Nuku-Nuku 
series of anime. Written in script format.


5. Stabbing the Heart in the Right Place, by John Biles

   Ranma and Akane have a horrible, angst-ridden fight, 
resulting in Ryoga and Nabiki's accidental deaths. Ukyo throws 
herself off a cliff, and the Sailor Senshi make a cameo in 
which their school bus explodes in a massive fireball, 
charbroiling them and a nearby Gosunkugi. Then nuclear war 
breaks out, and everyone dies. A chilling darkfic with no 
jokes, no romantic bits, and not a single damn wombat.  
Written in prose format; author's notes at the end contain a 
lengthy rant on how script format is for losers.

- Mike Loader
===/\=====+==================================================================
  /  \    l  "For, look you, there is humour in all things, and the truest
 / () \   l   philosophy is that which teaches us to find it and make the
/      \  l   most of it." - Jack Point, _The Yeomen of the Guard_
--------  l                    mloader@scs.unr.edu
==========+==================================================================
Fnord.