A SILLY FANFIC FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT: PART ONE

Ye Stars (who are also Ye Writers, with one obvious exception):
(In Alphabetical order)

Sir Gary Kleppe, champion of the poor and oppressed, spouter of
irrelevancies.

Sir Jim Nutley, defender of the realm, humble ranter of class the
first.

Sir Numbski Shadwick, noble knight and part time restaurateur on his
days off.

Sir Tatewaki Kuno(u), comic relief.

(Our story opens with Sir Gary and Sir Kuno. Sir Jim enters.)

Jim: What ho! I bring grave news. The castle FFML has fallen to the
evil power of the mailer-daemon. I will ride forth to put right to
this travesty! I seek the finest and bravest of knights to join me in
my quest. But you two will have to do.

Gary: Hooray! We ride! Absolutely! Um... where to?

Kuno: To the FFML, as he just finished saying, you silly person.

Gary: Oh, yeah, obviously. But how do we get there?

Jim: Do thou not possess the noble title of FFML cartographer?

Gary: Oh yeah. But that map only covers the FFML. To get TO the FFML
is a whole 'nother ball of wax.

All: Hmmm...

(jump cut, scene changes to outdoors)

Kuno: Pardon me, I shall consult with yon local folk. Friends, wither
FFML?

Man: This here ain't Tokyo, y'know. Y'all gotta go five hundred miles
south from here.

Kuno: Verily, who doth I look like? Sir Hibiki?

Gary: Darn it! I knew we should've turned left at Albuquerque!

Jim: Perhaps at yon local dining establishment we may acquire better
directions.

(They enter. The sign on the door says "Nekohanten
(http://www.greenville.edu/~ashadwic/ranma)")

Gary: Hey, how come I don't get a plug for *my* web page in this?

Kuno: It's in your .sig, fool!

(They enter, the camera cuts to the inside of the Nekohanten where 
a young man in a white Chinese gown and thick glasses bows to
the readers)

Mousse: The writers of this fanfic wish to point out that this is a 
parody, and that the views or actions that I or any character may 
express do NOT necessarily represent our 'real' or IC views or 
activities, or the activities of the actual copyright holding authors 
or the fanfic authors themselves.  Most especially with respect to 
this.  (Mousse indicates the little red book he is holding.)

(Pan to a table.  The knights are seated.  The manager, Sir Numbski,
addresses the other knights. The waitress, Shampoo, smiles cutely.
Mousse seats himself at an adjacent table)

Numbski: Ho, good sirs. Here can one partake of vast quantities of
spam, as well as the occasional fanfic. It is a place for discussions
of all matters of worldly import.

Gary: Can we just eat, or something?

Jim: Yes, let us order. Ho, good waitress!

Shampoo: Shampoo is NOT a 'ho!

Jim: Pray waitress, I merely wish thou to take our order!

Shampoo: Why tincan gymclothes fanboys pray Shampoo?  Shampoo 
no got facemarks!

Jim: Nay, goodwoman, we seek to summon our repast.

Shampoo: Tincan gymclothes fanboys want past that past again
come back???

Jim: Alas, surely I have spoken poorly to thee fair maiden, but come,
We valiant knights, in quest the FFML to rescue, doth crave some
sustenance.

Shampoo: OOOHHH!  Funnytalk Fanboys make Shampoo's head hurt!

Mousse: Clearly the sign of western and capitalist oppressors.

Gary: Say What?

Mousse: (brandishes little red book) It is the opinion of the esteemed

chairman that elaborate language is a weapon of class warfare, a 
means by which the parasites of society, namely you, trample down 
the honest and hardworking proletariat, as exemplified by the lovely
Xian Pu here.

Shampoo: What Mousse call Shampoo???

Numbski: Villain! Shall I in mine own establishment, suffer not only
my friends and patrons, but my servants to be so insulted!!

Mousse: See now how you feel compelled to squash my right to 
communicate openly, because your capitalist system of near feudal
ownership cannot abide open criticism.

Shampoo: Stupid Mousse!  Mao-talk least as stupid as Spearshake-talk! 

Jim: We shall not sit still for such infamy!  Brothers to arms!

Mousse: Now we see the violence inherent in the system...

(Mousse, so intent on making his point, fails to engage his weapons
in time and in the rush of the three knights, loses his glasses as
he's pinned to the floor.)

Mousse: Help! Help! I'm being Oppressed!

(Shampoo takes flowers out of an adjacent table vase and splashes 
Mousse with water.  The knights jump back as he transforms, so 
Shampoo jumps in and grabs Mousse-duck by the neck.)

Shampoo: Special Tonight, Peking 'Pressed Duck!  Funnytalk fanboys
wait till Shampoo come back from kitchen. (exits)

Kuno: Mayhap we should leave this place. We must be off on our quest.

Gary & Jim: Right. (as the knights are about to leave, an old crone
(Cologne) walks in the doorway)

Numbski: Greetings, good woman.

Cologne: Greetings, Sir Numbski. As representative of CologneCo
International, which owns this establishment and all in it, I
congratulate you on standing firm against the vicious and clever
forces of the Maoist conspiracy.

(Desperate quacking noises are heard from the kitchen)

Numbski: Why thank you.

Cologne: I'm also here to inform you that, in accordance with
CologneCo International's new policies, all unessential workers at
this establishment are hereby downsized.

Numbski: Unessential workers? Who...

Cologne: However in the spirit of fairness we will allow you to stay
on at the rate of four dollars per day. You will have to work harder,
however, and pay for any food you eat, and...

Numbski: Quest? Good sirs, spoke you of a quest? 'Tis my duty as a
knight of the realm to accompany my brother knights! The food sucketh
today anyhow...

(knights exit; another jump cut to another outdoor scene)

Gary: Maybe we shouldn't go to FFML. 'Tis a silly place.

Kuno: Look!

Jim: The FFML! Our quest is at an end! Oh lord, we thank thee...

Mailer-daemon: Ah hah! Not so fast, fanfiction-writing-types!

Jim: How dare you defile this place with your presence, foul deamon!

Mailer-daemon: It's spelled "daemon", you big jerk! SHISHI
CAN-O'SPAM!!!

(Jim and his entourage get buried under a torrent of pork luncheon
meat. Will they dig themselves out? Tune in tomorrow...)

Gary Kleppe
kleppe@execpc.com, Home page http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe
My fanfics and the FFML map are on my comics/manga page,
       http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics




Gary Kleppe
kleppe@execpc.com, Home page http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe
My fanfics and the FFML map are on my comics/manga page,
       http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics