The (Sur)Real World

Part 5:  Divine Advice

Guest Writer: Peter L. Ward
Producer: Rod M.
Story Concept: Isabel A. "Izzy-chan"
Advisory Board:  The Fanfic ML
-M- Productions



-----

[Camera]  The episode opens on a busy morning in the kitchen. 
While Nuku-Nuku is busy cooking up breakfast for whoever wants
it, Kyousuke is busy scarfing down the one he cooked up for
himself.  Washuu is also sitting at the dining table, reading a
holographic screen floating in front of her while she waits for
her meal.  As usual, Mamoru is conspicuously absent.  A loud
explosion rattles the house, startling Kyousuke.  Nuku-Nuku looks
up cheerfully from her cooking while Washuu barely bats an
eyelash.  Ranma backs into the room and sets down a closed-up
bag, ready for a fight.

[Kyousuke]  What was that??

[Ranma]  I dunno.  Trouble, most likely!

[Nuku-Nuku]  I wonder if Eimi-chan came over to play with Nuku-
Nuku again?

[Ranma, muttering]  That girl's really scary.  If it isn't her
acting like a damn cat all the time, it's her so-called
friends...

[Camera]  (A billow of smoke drifts from the hallway, followed by
a charred and stumbling Ataru.  As he mumbles something incoher-
ently, he collapses on the kitchen floor.)

[Washuu, finally looking up]  Looks like our resident pervert's
been acting up again.

[Ranma]  I don't think I want to know what he did this time...

[Kyousuke]  Same here.

[Camera]  (Urd, having gotten dressed hurriedly, marches into the
kitchen, looking around with a furious expression on her face. 
She looks down and sees Ataru passed out and drooling on the
floor.  This mollifies her expression a bit.)

[Urd]  I was wondering if that force blast would do the trick. 
Serves the little bugger right for trying to ambush me while I'm
in the shower.  Okay, what's for breakfast?

[Nuku-Nuku]  Here you go!  Nuku-Nuku cooked breakfast today!

[Camera]  (Urd and Washuu look down on the plates handed to them. 
Both look disappointingly at the fish on those plates.)

[Urd]  Broiled mackerel again?  Don't you know how to cook
anything else, Nuku-Nuku?

[Nuku-Nuku]  Well, Nuku-Nuku knows other fish recipes, but
Nuku-Nuku likes broiled mackerel the best.  Especially the heads!

[Ranma]  I think I'll pass on the heads.  At least it's not that
tomboy's cooking....

[Nuku-Nuku]  Is Ranma-kun talking about the fiancee he misses?

[Ranma]  Yeah....er...I mean, NO!  I don't miss that uncute girl
one bit!   I especially don't miss her cooking!

[Urd, snorting]  Yeah, right.  Like I can't see through that.

[Ranma, turning to Urd]  Hey, don't you start on me now!

[Camera]  (While Urd starts laughing at Ranma, Washuu tugs at
Nuku-Nuku's sleeve.)

[Washuu]  Hey, remind me to add some more recipes to your memory
sometime.  Broiled mackerel every morning gets boring.

[Nuku-Nuku]  Okay!  Nuku-Nuku will remember to ask Washuu-chan
about that, then!

[Washuu]  Good kitty!

-----

Kyousuke watched the exchange between Washuu and Nuku-Nuku
dumbfoundedly.  <What do they mean by that??  By the way Washuu's
talking, you'd think that Nuku-Nuku was either a cat or a comput-
er or something...>  he wondered before glancing at his watch. 
Seeing the time, he stood up with a start and let out a startled
noise.  <It's late!  I hope I don't have to try teleporting to
work!>

-----

[Kyousuke]  Hey, Urd!  Hurry up!  We're late for work!  The boss
isn't gonna like it if we show up late!

[Urd, scarfing down the last of her mackerel]  Aww, don't worry
about it, Kyousuke!  We'll make it on time.  Here, I'll show you!

[Camera]  (Urd grabs Kyousuke's wrist and heads for the living
room with him, allowing a chance for Kyousuke to grab his stuff. 
As they stand in front of the TV, it starts glowing and Urd
starts stepping into the screen.  As she melds into the screen,
she drags an astonished Kyousuke with her.  Washuu watches this
with some interest and annoyance.)

[Washuu]  So, that's what's been causing all the interference
with my lab monitors lately!  I've gotta do something about that
if she's gonna be keeping that up...

-----

The offices of the Tokyo Times was its usual state of organized
bedlam that morning.  While editors chewed out some reporters for
various errors in their stories, other reporters as well as
photographers and researchers were hard at work gathering the
information necessary for the stories in that evening's edition.

Some of those reporters were scanning the various news networks
such as CNN for any breaking news.  While it may seem lazy to
anyone else, such channel surfing was actually useful as the
networks were usually the first ones with those stories.  Since
TV news tended to be a bit on the superficial side, the Times
staff was content to let the networks alert them to stories they
can cover more in-depth.

One such TV dedicated to the search for late-breaking news
suddenly had its signal break up and went to a brightly-lit
screen.  While the reporters monitoring the TV watched in aston-
ishment, a pair of very shapely legs started to emerge for what
should have been solid glass.  The legs led to hips, torso and
arms, and finally Urd's head.  One arm was still extended into
the TV until she gave a gentle pull and Kyousuke came out of the
screen as well.

Needless to say, Kyousuke's arrival went unnoticed as all of the
males in the immediate area was fixated on Urd instead.

"Is this how you guys greet your new female coworkers?" Urd
teased the men around her as she stepped over to the desk she was
assigned to while Kyousuke scurried off to find his boss, Mr.
Futamata.

As she settled down into her seat in front of, in her opinion,
the primitive terminal, a middle-aged man with enough stress
lines on his face to indicate a much older person strode over to
her.  He dropped a large mail bag onto her desk unceremoniously.

"Okay, Urd, I know this is your first day on the job, but we've
published the announcement of your addition to the staff a few
days ago." Mr. Takashi, the features editor, said gruffly.  "I
guess you being a new TV celebrity might explain why we got a
flood of mail right off the bat.  Have fun.  Okay, everybody,
show's over!  Get back to work!"

As Takashi turned around and left as quickly as he came and the
other staff members scattered to their jobs, Urd levitated the
bag onto the floor next to her.  "Hahahaha....it's not so bad
here on the mortal plane if I can get paid to give people guid-
ance in the matters of love." she gloated.  As she reached in and
started to pick out letters, she added, "Hmmmm...now, who's going
to be first?"

She pulled out an envelope and opened it, idly looking at the
return address.  "Hmmmm...Tomobiki, huh?  Same place that the
lech came from."  She took out the letter and read it silently.

-----

Dear Urd,

I'm writing to you because I'm worried about my husband, Ataru. 
Several days ago, Darling left me all of a sudden, only leaving a
note saying not to look for him.  I love him and dearly miss him,
but I don't know what to do.  I know I should trust him as a good
wife should, but Darling sometimes chases after other women.

I've already gone to others for help, but I'm left even more
worried than before.  Please tell me what I should do.


Sincerely,

A worried stranger in a strange land.

P.S.  I haven't seen your show yet since I've been real busy
looking for Darling, but I promise I will once I find him!

-----

<Ataru?!> Urd thought as she read the letter.  <This has to be
that poor alien princess that's engaged to him!>  With that, she
started to type her reply...

-----

Dear Stranger,

Believe me, you would be better off without that loser.  If you
are who I think you are, then you should have no problem finding
someone much better.  It's for the best, really.

By the way, you really ought to tune into my show one of these
days.  You just might find it rather informative...

-----

After Urd saved the reply and typed in Lum's letter for publica-
tion in the column, she reached again into her mailbag.  Looking
at the return address, she noted that it must have been from out
in the countryside somewhere.

-----

Dear Urd,

I don't know if you can find time in your busy schedule to help
me with a situation, but I would greatly appreciate it if you
could.

You see, when I first came here, I met this wonderful boy.  Even
after I treated him quite horribly when we first met, he has only
treated me with kindness and respect.  As I got to know him, I
learned just how much of a brave, loyal, and noble person that he
is.  Naturally, I found myself having feelings for him, and I
believe that he has the same feelings for me.  There's also
family matters involved that I won't go into at this time.

However, there's also another...woman...in his life.  I use the
term "woman" with reluctance because she is truly a monster!  No,
in fact, she is a demon!  I have nothing but the utmost revulsion
at the thought of her.  That demon has caused my family pain for
such a long time.

When my beloved first met this horrid monster, she nearly killed
him!  Imagine my anger when I found out about this.  Even after
that incident, she has taken actions that has put him at great
risk.  For some strange reason, though, he treats her like a
friend, and has even put himself at great jeopardy, over my
objections, to help her out of her own messes.  I cannot believe
that he could ever have any feelings for that witch, though.

Please tell me what I should do about this monster that's trying
to steal my love away from me.


Yours truly,

A Lady in Need


P.S.  An acquaintance of mine is one of your co-stars on your
television program.  Would you please be so kind as to tell Lady
Washuu hello for me?  Thank you.

-----

"Hmmm...so she knows Washuu, huh?" Urd muttered to herself as she
prepared to type her reply.  "I'll have to run it by her later. 
Anyway, she may seem a bit stuffy, but she does need help with
this triangle.  Sounds like she really hates this other woman.  I
might want to check on this 'demon' business though.  She might
be exaggerating.

-----

Dear Lady,

My advice to you would be to stand up and fight for your man. 
You must show this other woman that you mean business and that
your boyfriend is just that, yours.

Not only that, but you really ought to get this guy to admit his
feelings out loud.  Maybe if this other woman heard it from his
own mouth, she just might leave you two alone.

I'll remember to say "Hi" to Washuu for you.  It's too bad that
you didn't leave your name so I could tell her just who's saying
"Hi"!

-----

Urd reached into the bag and looked at the envelope.  "Hmmmm...
Hiyama Hikaru, huh?  Don't these people leave their real names
off of these letters?" she mused as she also observed that it was
from the same city that Kyousuke came from.  She opened up the
envelope and read the contents.

-----


Dear Urd,

I'm so happy that I'm able to write to one of you guys on "The
Real World"!  You see, my boyfriend, Kyousuke, is on the show,
and I don't know where to write to him at all.  I tried calling
him once, but some strange guy screamed when he picked up the
phone.  Anyway, I wrote a letter to Darling as well.  Could you
give it to him?   Thanks!

I'm so glad that he has people like you to keep him company while
he's on the show!  I mean, sure, there's that weird guy, Ataru,
but the rest of you are cool.  In fact, my best friend, Madoka,
really hates that Ataru.  Could you tell Darling "hi" from her as
well?  Thanks!


Yours Truly,

Hiyama Hikaru

-----

"So, a letter from one of Kyousuke's sweeties, huh?  Looks like
I'll have to get him to go to lunch with me and tease him about
it some." Urd grinned as she tucked Hikaru's letters into her
handbag.  She then continued with a few more letters from others
in the public.

When it approached lunch hour, Urd headed for where the darkroom
was and was unable to find her coworker and housemate.  "Now
where the hell could he be?" she muttered as she turned away,
only to find Futamata and an exhausted Kyousuke heading in her
direction.  "What happened, Kyousuke?  You look like hell!"

"Ah!  Urd-san!" Futamata beamed as he greeted his other new
coworker.  "We were just getting back from an assignment.  Seems
some female martial artists in Nerima district were tearing the
place apart looking for someone.  We were lucky we managed to get
away from this one psycho.  She was running around in a leotard
and throwing around weapons and black roses of all things!  Scary
laugh, to boot.  Kept going on about her 'Ranma-sama'.  So, were
you looking for us or something?"

"Yeah." Urd replied.  "I wanted to get Kyousuke to go to this
place for lunch with me.  I wanted to show him something."

"Really?  What is it about you, Kasuga?" Futamata teased. 
"You've got these two girls in your life that you were telling me
about earlier, and now you got this hot babe, who you happen to
live with, wanting to go to lunch with you.  You must be doing
something right!"

As Urd took Kyousuke down the hall and into a waiting elevator,
she asked, "Ranma's pack of fiancees, I presume?"

Kyousuke let out a tired sigh as the elevator doors closed and
nodded.  "I'm not going to even ask how he got himself engaged to
that bunch." he said as he pressed the lobby button and the
elevator slid downward.  "Not only did we have to deal with this
"Black Rose", as she kept calling herself, but there was also
this Chinese girl running around with, I swear to god, giant
metal rattles or something like that.  I think she was the one
Ranma called 'Shampoo'.  Apparently, she never learned to use a
door since she kept smashing her way through walls.  I think I
spotted yet another girl carrying a giant spatula.  And I thought
my girl problems were bad enough.  I don't want to be in Ranma's
shoes right now."

As Urd stifled a laugh, Kyousuke changed the subject and asked,
"So, where are we going for lunch?"

"I think we'll go to this place called 'Akie's' that one of the
guys here told me about.  Supposed to be a real popular place
around here."

"I think I've heard about it a few days ago when I started. 
Weird thing was, the news staff was yelling about it being the
place where there was some sort of shootout at the time."

"Really?" Urd asked as she made a face while the elevator doors
opened.  "I hope it's still open."

As the two made their way out of the lobby and down the street,
they were frequently stopped for autographs by the public.  Well,
Urd was stopped anyway.  Kyousuke was all but ignored by the male
fans as they hounded the goddess for her signature on books,
photos, and various portions of their anatomy.

Eventually, the pair made their way to Akie's.  They took a good,
long look at the facade, which still showed evidence of Eimi-
chan's previous visit.  While most of the damage was boarded up,
bullet holes and scorch marks peeked out from beneath the boards. 
The most important thing they saw, though, was the open sign
hanging in the glass door.  Upon seeing that, they headed inside,
being careful not to knock the door off the now-fragile hinges.

As they entered, they heard their names being called out in a
very-familiar cheerful voice.  "Urd-san!  Kyousuke-kun!  You've
come to see Nuku-Nuku?"

"Nuku-Nuku!" Urd greeted in return.  "Didn't know you were
working here."

"Uh-huh!  Nuku-Nuku likes working for mama-san!  Nuku-Nuku isn't
the only one working here!"

At that, Urd and Kyousuke heard a horridly familiar voice behind
them.  "Urd-sama!  You've come to see me!"

Within nanoseconds, Ataru found himself embedded in one of the
restaurant's walls.  Urd lowered her arm from where it was
pointing at the teenaged lecher.  "Great...that tick has to work
here too!" she spat out as the manager dragged him away for
another lecture about not attacking the patrons.

"Oh, Nuku-Nuku almost forgot!" Nuku-Nuku said as she went over
and grabbed Ranma-chan.  "This is Tendo Ranko!  She's a relative
of Ranma-kun's."

"Well, what do you know?  She even looks a lot like him!" Urd
remarked as she looked Ranma over.

Ranma, for her part, was getting very nervous at the attention
her unknowing housemates was giving her.  "Um, well, nice to meet
you and all, but I really should be getting back to work!"

As Ranma scurried off, Nuku-Nuku showed Urd and Kyousuke to a
table and handed them menus.  When Nuku-Nuku left to tend to
other customers after giving the pair their glasses of water, Urd
pulled the letters from her handbag.

"Hey, Kyousuke, I've got a couple of things to show you." Urd
said as she handed the letters to him.  "These were in my mailbag
this morning and I thought you should have a look at them,
especially since one of them is for you."

As Kyousuke read the letter to Urd and paled slightly, Urd
continued on.  "So, looks like you've got more than one sweetie,
huh?"

Kyousuke nearly sprayed out the water he just sipped.  "It...
it...it isn't like that!"

"That's what Ataru said the other day when I caught him going
through Ranma's underwear." Urd teased.  While Urd didn't really
care about who overheard her, Ranma made a face as she passed by
behind Urd.  "But seriously, you think you could handle two women
by yourself?"

"Well..."

"Or is it a case of indecisiveness?  Hmmmm?"  Urd said without
letting Kyousuke finish.

"It's not like I asked for it or anything...it just happened."

"Let's see...I did see your other honey when they aired that
first episode, so I don't blame you for wanting to hang on to
her.  This one sounds like she's really sweet on you though. 
Tough decision to make there, kiddo."

"I just don't want to hurt her, though..." Kyousuke said quietly.

"Ahhhh...so it's already come down to that now, hasn't it?" Urd
said.  "Well, I don't know what else to tell you, then.  I think
you know what needs to be done, and the longer you take, the more
it's going to hurt."

When Urd that Kyousuke was looking glumly into his glass of
water, she said, "Hey, lighten up, kiddo!  Do this right, and you
don't have to worry about it, okay?"

Before Kyousuke could reply, Urd spied a couple entering the
restaurant.  "Well, well...look who's here.  Over here, Tux-boy!"

Kyousuke turned around and saw that it was Mamoru that Urd was
shouting at, along with a girl who looked as if she wasn't quite
in high school yet.  <Weird hairdo>, he thought as he observed
how the girl's blonde hair was done up in two very long tails
with a mini-bun to each of them.

"Oh, no..." Mamoru muttered as he realized who else was in the
restaurant.  Urd wasn't exactly on the top of his list of people
to run into, but at least it wasn't that bratty Ataru.

"Hey!  Those two are your housemates, aren't they?" the girl said
as she glanced at Urd and Kyousuke.  

For a moment, Urd thought that the girl gave her the evil eye. 
<Don't tell me that kid's his girlfriend!  Hoo boy...am I gonna
have fun with Tux-boy over this!>

"Um, yeah." Mamoru said with a distinct lack of enthusiasm.  "The
lady over there is Urd, and, um..."

"I'm Kasuga Kyousuke.  Nice to meet you...um..."

"I'm Tsukino Usagi!" the girl returned Kyousuke's greeting. 
While she didn't care for that hussy, Urd, living with her
boyfriend, she thought this boy was pretty nice.  A far sight
better than that Ataru jerk, who kept on picking on Mamoru.

"Hey, why don't you two join us!  We hardly see you around,
Tux-boy!" Urd urged the two.  Seeing that there really was no way
out of this, Mamoru and Usagi sat next to the two, with Usagi
sitting next to Urd and Mamoru joining Kyousuke on the other side
of the booth.

Just as they were getting settled, Nuku-Nuku returned to take
their orders.  "Wow!  Tux-boy-kun is here too?  Nuku-Nuku is so
happy to see so many of her friends here!  Who's that, Tux-boy-
kun?  Is she your little sister?"

As Mamoru started to stammer, Usagi replied, "No.  I'm his
girlfriend, Usagi."

While Kyousuke nearly spat out another mouthful of water, Nuku-
Nuku remarked, "Oh.  Tux-boy-kun likes younger girls.  I'm
Nuku-Nuku, by the way!  I'm one of Tux-boy-kun's roommates!"

"Yeah, I know." Usagi answered with a mischievous grin.  "I keep
watching the show to see if Tux-boy here ever shows up in it. 
You know, Tux-boy, you really ought to mingle a bit more with
your housemates!"  After giving a sidelong glance at Urd, she
added, "Within reason, of course..."

"Hey, enough with the Tux-boy stuff already!"  Mamoru protested. 
"Bad enough that Moroboshi and the others keep on calling me
that, but not you too!"

"Well, now you know how I felt when you kept calling me `Odango
Atama' all the time!" Usagi retorted.  Mamoru winced slightly at
this.

"Yo!  Tux-boy!  I see that you're robbing the cradle!" Ataru cut
in from behind Urd and Usagi.  "Hey, cutie!" he leered as he
turned to Usagi and putting a hand on her shoulder. "How about
you leave that old rich kid behind and have a little fun with me,
eh?"

Before anyone else could react, Urd raised an arm and magically
slammed him into another wall of the restaurant.  As the others
looked at where Ataru ended up, they saw a collection of Ataru-
shaped impressions along the walls.

<Hmmmm...maybe she's not so bad, after all.> Usagi considered as
she turned back to the others.  <Just as long as she keeps her
hands off my Mamoru...>  "How'd you guys end up living with him,
anyway?" Usagi then asked in distaste.

"Who knows?" Mamoru shrugged.  "I'll be glad when we're done with
this stint."

"It's not that bad." Kyousuke replied.  "After all, Urd, Nuku-
Nuku, and Washuu can take care of him, and Ranma and I can deal
with him if needed."

"I think I might have an idea on how he ended up on the show."
Urd muttered, inwardly swearing vengeance on the entities respon-
sible for putting that particular tick on the same show she was
on.

"Eh?" Kyousuke said as he overheard Urd's muttering.

"Um, er, nothing really!" Urd said, realizing that she had been
overheard.

"Yeah, right." Usagi said, having overheard her as well.

"So, are you ready to order?" Nuku-Nuku asked.  After they did so
and she left again, Usagi noticed Urd twiddling around slightly
with one of her hands.  A moment later, the bottle of soy sauce
on their table wobbled and fell over, spilling the contents onto
Kyousuke.  That caused him to yelp and stand up to inspect where
the dark, salty fluid landed on his lap.

"Oh, great!  I'll be right back." Kyousuke said as he squeezed
past Mamoru.  "I'm gonna see if I can get some of this out."

As Kyousuke headed off to find a bathroom, Usagi gave Urd a
glare.  "You did that somehow."

"Sorry, kiddo!" Urd replied with a shrug.  "Had to get rid of him
for a few minutes somehow."

"Why's that?" Usagi asked suspiciously.

"Because she knows, that's why." Mamoru answered for Urd.
"Whaaat?  You mean she really knows??" Usagi nearly yelped in a
near-panic.  As she saw Urd give a simple nod, she stammered,
"But, but...I thought that was some excuse for staring at her or
something like that!"

"Told you she wouldn't like it." Urd teased Mamoru.

"Wait a second..." Usagi said to Mamoru in jealousy as she
realized what Urd said.  "So you did stare at her!  Ooooooooo..."

"Take it easy on him." Urd told the girl as she ruffled Usagi's
hair.  "Yeah, I do know that you two are crusaders for justice
who kick youma butt on occasion and that you are star-crossed
lovers fated for each other.  I can tell just by looking at you
two.  Don't worry, though.  The secret's safe with me.  That's
why I had to get rid of Kyousuke for a few minutes, so he would-
n't know.  Ooops, here he comes now."

A couple minutes after Kyousuke settled back in, the foursome
were served their lunches and enjoyed a good meal together.  The
only times the mood was disturbed was whenever Ataru came by to
bug Urd or Usagi, only to be slammed into the wall.

After they were finished and said their goodbyes to Mamoru and
Usagi, Urd and Kyousuke headed back to the Times.

"Hey, did you notice something about that Ranko girl that's
working with Nuku-Nuku and Ataru?" Kyousuke asked as they walked
along.

"You mean besides the fact that she looks a lot like Ranma?" 

"Yeah.  Remember how Ranma always acts real nervous around
Nuku-Nuku?"

"Uh-huh."

"I think Ranko acts almost the same way around Nuku-Nuku.  Weird,
ain't it?"

"Hmmmm...didn't think ailurophobia runs in a family." Urd mused.

"Huh?"

"Fear of cats."

"What do cats have to do with anything?" Kyousuke asked in
bewilderment.

Urd paused for a moment and then replied, "Nothing, really.  Just
an odd thought." She knew that Nuku-Nuku was really an android
with a cat's brain.  Apparantly, though, Kyousuke didn't quite
realize it, so Urd decided to keep quiet about it for the moment.

Several minutes later, the pair was back at work.  While Futamata
dragged Kyousuke away for another hazardous assignment, Urd sat
down at her desk and dug into her mailbag.  One letter in partic-
ular got her attention...

-----

Dear Urd,

I need your help with something.  A long time ago, when I was a
little girl, I was engaged to a boy my age by our fathers. 
However, his father acted like a jerk and ran off with him as
well as my father's okonomiyaki cart, which was supposed to be
the dowry.

I was very ticked off at both of them, and after years of train-
ing in martial arts and searching, I finally caught up to him.  I
got my revenge on the father, but I found out the truth about
some things and became friends with the son again.  Actually, I
fell in love with him.

Unfortunately, that's not all there is to it.  You see, he's
engaged to two other girls and a third one is also after him. 
The third girl is a psychotic, and he tries not to have anything
to do with her, so she's not really any competition.  He's
engaged to one of the others because of some stupid law in her
village.  The last girl really wouldn't make a good wife at all,
especially with how horrible her cooking is and how awful she
treats him.

Even though I'm the best choice for him, the other girls distract
him a lot.  Not only that, but while I'm always there and I try
to make him aware of what he means to me, he just thinks of me as
just a friend.

Please tell me what I can do to fix this.


The Okonomiyaki Girl

-----

Urd sighed and muttered, "Great.  I should've known that one of
Ranma's fiancees would send a letter my way.  What a mess that
guy got into."  Then she brightened up.  "It'll be fun getting
involved in that mess!" she added as her well-formed hands
reached for the keyboard.

-----

Dear Okonomiyaki Girl,

It sounds like you're in a pretty sticky situation with all of
that competition.  However, it also sounds like you've got the
edge.  What you have to do is to prove to this guy that you're
more than just a friend and that your competitors really just
aren't worth it.  I'll leave how you go about that up to you,
okay?

-----

As she selected "save" in her word processor's "file" menu, Urd
smiled as she thought, <It'll be interesting to see just what she
does to get Ranma's attention.  At least she doesn't know where
we live for the moment...>

A few dozen more letters later, Urd was about ready to call it a
day.  However, she decide one last letter was in order.  Looking
into her mailbag for the final time that day, she spotted an
envelope that looked interesting.  What struck her was the
official-looking layout of both the envelope and the letter
inside, with the letterhead identifying the origin as Mishima
Heavy Industries.

-----

Dear Urd-san,

I am writing to you in hopes that you might be able to help me
with my situation.  Several months back, my husband, formerly a
head cybernetics researcher at my company, ran out on me, taking
not only an advanced android prototype, but also my precious son.

His given reason was that he wanted to give my son what he called
a "normal" life.  Obviously he doesn't take all the dangers out
in the world seriously.  The thought of my son being exposed to
all those perilous situations horrifies me!  Especially since I
can give him a nice, safe home with servants to do his bidding
and the finest of private tutors to educate him.

What really galls me is that my foolish husband isn't content
with the dangers the world out there has to offer.  That degener-
ate took that experimental android, made it up to look like some
high-school girl out of his sick dreams, and stuck a cat's brain
in it...if you can believe that!  It's highly dangerous to allow
that abomination, which was originally designed as a weapons
system, near my dear, dear son!

Please, Urd-san, can you find it in your heart to help this poor
woman?  All I want is my son back.


A Concerned Mother

-----

Urd rolled her eyes after setting down the letter.  She let out a
sigh as she reached for the phone and confirmed what she had
already guessed: the android in question was Nuku-Nuku and that
the mother who wrote to her was actually the CEO of Mishima Heavy
Industries.  Deciding not to put the letter and reply up for
publication, Urd decided to go with a private reply, instead.

-----

Dear Concerned Mother,

The best way I can help you is to recommend counseling for you
immediately.  The sooner, the better!  You are obsessed with
getting your son back, and you'll probably smother him if you
ever get him back.  You're probably worse than the supposed
dangers you see out in the real world.  Your husband is
right...you ought to let your son be out there in the real world,
not in some sheltered sham of a life.

Give it up and let your son be normal.


P.S., I know the girl you referred to in your letter since I'm
living with her now, and she's a really nice girl.  A bit weird
at times, but she's pretty cool to have around.  Calling her an
abomination is really out of line.

-----

After sending the letter to the local printer, Urd closed up the
word processor and logged out of her terminal. <Hopefully, this
will get the message across.> she thought as she retrieved the
letter from the printer, put it in an envelope, and put it in the
outgoing mail bin once it was addressed properly.

Looking around, she had a sense of deja vu.  <Kyousuke's missing
again.> Urd observed as she looked around the newsroom.  A few
minutes later, she found him sprawled out on a couch, halfway to
oblivious unconsciousness.

"Hey, Kyousuke, wakey-wakey!" Urd urged her housemate and co-
worker as he barely noticed her.  "It's time to go home, al-
ready!"

"Uhhhhh...just let me sleep a few more minutes, Madoka-chan..."
he mumbled as he slipped even further into unconsciousness and
not even recognizing Urd.

"Sorry kiddo, but you leave me no choice." Urd said as she
charged up a minor spell.  A second later, Kyousuke found himself
shocked awake.

"Wha-wha-what...where am I?" Kyousuke sputtered as he sat up and
saw Urd as if it were the first time that day.

"At work for the moment." Urd said with a straight face.  "But
we'll be home in a couple of minutes.  Futamata running you
through the wringer again?"

"Yeah....didn't think being a photographer would be so danger-
ous." he muttered in reply.

"Figured as much...especially when you called me  Madoka-chan'."
Urd teased with a wink.

Kyousuke paled at this and whispered, "You're not going to tell
anyone about that, are you?"

"Nope." Urd replied as she led Kyousuke to a nearby TV.  "Espe-
cially not your  Madoka-chan'."

Before Kyousuke could say anything, she charged up the teleport-
ation spell and within a matter of seconds, they found themselves
back in their living room. <And I thought teleporting on my own
was bad enough...> Kyousuke thought as he regained his senses.

-----

[Camera]  (Washuu greets them as she emerges from her strange
door with a proud smile on her face.)

[Washuu]  How was work, you guys?

[Urd]  Oh, just fine.  So, what have you been up to?  You look
like you've invented the greatest thing since the remote control
or something like that.

[Washuu]  You're actually pretty close!  I actually modified the
TV so that whenever you teleport through it, it doesn't play
havoc with my lab monitors.  I also modified it so that it'll
pick up most of the galactic entertainment networks within this
quadrant.

[Kyousuke]  Uh, yeah...

[Urd]  Really?  So we get to see what you aliens like to watch,
huh?

[Washuu]  Yup!  After all, I'm the greatest genius in the uni-
verse!  It was child's play, really.

[Urd]  I see.  By the way, who's turn is it to make dinner
tonight?

[Kyousuke]  Um, Ranma's I think.

[Camera]  (Ranma walks in from the hallway, sweating as if he had
been exercising hard.)

[Ranma]  What was that about me?

[Urd]  I was just asking who was making dinner tonight.  What
have you been up to, anyway?  You look like someone who's run the
marathon!"

[Ranma]  Ummmm...out practicing my martial arts...

[Kyousuke]  Is that all you've been doing all day?  I thought you
were supposed to be going out to get a job or something?  I mean,
Ranko's got a job while you're slacking off!

[Ranma]  I've got a job, man!  I'll be paying my share of the
food and stuff, okay?!

[Washuu] Okay, okay...calm down, why don't you?  Question is, can
you cook decently?

[Ranma]  Sure.  Just be glad it isn't my tomboy fiancee who's
cooking.  She'd put all of us in the hospital!

[Urd]  Really?  Hmmmm...I can think of someone I'd want to feed
the stuff to...

[Ranma]  Forget it.  This is stuff you wouldn't feed your worst
enemy!  Believe me, the thought had run across my mind.

[Washuu]  Besides, he'd probably survive it.  When I was running
those, >ahem<, tests on him a few nights ago, I found out that
he's pretty much got a cast iron stomach.  Must be from Princess
Lum's cooking...

[Camera]  (Nuku-Nuku comes in the front door, dragging an uncon-
scious Ataru behind her.)

[Nuku-Nuku]  Hello, everybody!

[Urd]  Hi, Nuku-Nuku!  Ataru got out of hand again?

[Nuku-Nuku]  Nuku-Nuku thinks Ataru-kun likes to play games like
Eimi-chan does.

[Ranma]  I don't think that's what he has in mind, Nuku-Nuku. 
For one thing, he's not using heavy weapons like she does...

[Nuku-Nuku]  Does Ranma-kun know Eimi-chan?

[Ranma]  Um, er...I...just read about it in the paper the other
day!

[Nuku-Nuku]  Oh.  Nuku-Nuku thought that Ranma-kun might've been
another of Eimi-chan's friends.

[Camera]  (Nuku-Nuku starts sniffing the air curiously.  Ranma
starts getting really nervous since this reminds him of a cat,
and Kyousuke just looks at Nuku-Nuku oddly.)

[Nuku-Nuku]  Why does Ranma-kun smell like Akie's?  Nuku-Nuku
doesn't remember Ranma-kun visiting Nuku-Nuku at Akie's.  Urd-
san, Kyousuke-kun, Tux-boy-kun, and Tux-boy-kun's girlfriend
Usagi-chan visited Nuku-Nuku at Akie's, but Ranma-kun didn't.

[Ranma]  Uhhhh...I...went to another restaurant.  That's why I
smell like the restaurant you work at.

[Nuku-Nuku]  Oh.  Okay.  What's for dinner?

------

As Ranma started to tell Nuku-Nuku the evening's menu, which
didn't contain fish much to Nuku-Nuku's disappointment, Urd
turned to Washuu.

"You believe his story?" Urd whispered.

"Nope.  Doesn't take a galactic genius to see through that."
Washuu answered.  "Looks like I'm going to have to visit this
Akie's sometime soon."

"Yup.  I thought it was pretty weird that both he and this 
Ranko' were both afraid of cats, but if Nuku-Nuku's smelling that
restaurant on him..."

"They're both afraid of cats?  Looks like I'm going to have to do
some research on them."

Both girls were giggling as Mamoru rushed in.

-----

[Mamoru]  Um, hi.

[Urd]  Hold it right there, Tux-boy!  Remember that talk we had
over lunch?  Well, you're not going to duck out on us for dinner
tonight, right, guys?

[Camera]  (Kyousuke moves towards the front door while Nuku-Nuku
takes hold of his arm.  Mamoru is surprised at how strong she
actually is since he can't work his arm free of her grip.)

[Ranma]  Stop being such a stranger, huh?

[Kyousuke]  Yeah!  Just kick back with your roomies for once,
okay?

[Washuu]  Because if you don't...

[Camera]  (A pair of man-sized robotic devices materialize behind
Washuu.  Each of them sport three pairs of metal tentacles. 
Mamoru looks at them very nervously.)

[Mamoru]  Okay, okay, I'll stick around for dinner just this
once.  All right??

[Camera]  (Before anyone could reply, Ataru comes to and looks
around him.)

[Ataru]  Hiya Tux-boy!  Well, hello there, Urd-sama!

[Camera]  (Urd zaps the boy back into unconsciousness and sighs.)

[Urd]  We really ought to do something about this boy...

[Mamoru]  I think I have a few ideas in that department...

-----

[Camera]  (Very late at night.  The exterior of the house is
shown and all the lights are out.  What looks like a tied-up
bundle is hanging from the roof by a single rope.  A closer look
reveals it to be a boy stripped down to his shorts.]

[Ataru]  Aw, come on!  Let me down already!  It's cold out here!

[Camera]  (One of the windows opens and Mamoru's head pokes out. 
His arm flings something at Ataru, which barely misses his face
as it passes by.]

[Mamoru]  Shut up, already!  Some of us are trying to sleep, you
jerk!

-----

As Lum set down the paper the next morning, she had a look of
determination on her face.  "Everybody keeps telling me that my
Darling is worthless and I should find someone else.  I can't
give up on him, though!  How could I call myself a good wife if I
turn my back on Darling, even with his infidelities?  Oh, well, I
must keep searching for him.  Urd said that watching her show
might be helpful.  I must find out when it'll be on..."

-----

Tenchi looked out into the distance from where he was farming
carrots for Ryo-oh-ki in the morning.  While the house had been
peaceful when he left a few hours ago, there were several small
explosions from that general direction since then.  "I don't
think it's another attack from some space criminal." he conclud-
ed.  "It's just in one area and it hasn't come my way...yet.  It
couldn't be Mihoshi landing, either, since she usually crashes
into the lake."

Tenchi was pulled out of his musing by an approaching Sasami, who
was holding a bento box in her hands and Ryo-oh-ki on her head. 
"Hey, Sasami, what's up with all the explosions?"

"They're fighting again."  Sasami replied.  Ryo-oh-ki miyaa'ed to
confirm what Sasami said.

Tenchi immediately knew who the "they" were and muttered, "I knew
it."

-----

Ukyo was taking quick glances through the morning paper as she
prepared for both school as well as work later on that day.  It
wasn't long before she found what she was looking for, and she
was pleasantly surprised to see her letter in Urd's column that
day.

"Well, at least there's someone who can tell who's the best pick
for Ranchan." she commented with a smile.  "Too bad she didn't
say how I should make it clear to him, though.  At least I'll
thank her personally when I do find out where Ranchan is hiding
out and put an end to this harem business once and for all."

Before she could continue preparing for the day, she froze as
sickeningly familiar laughter filled the air of the building that
served as both her business and her home.

"Ohohohoho!  So, you think you can sway my Ranma-sama away from
me?  I, Kuno Kodachi, the Black Rose of St. Hebereke's High
School for Girls, will not allow it.  You will regret writing
that letter in this morning's Tokyo Times."

Before Ukyo could turn around and face Kodachi and her trademark
black roses, the far wall of her restaurant was smashed in and
Shampoo stalked in through the hole.  "You no steal husband! 
Shampoo beat okonomiyaki girl!"

<It's gonna be a long day...> Ukyo thought as she reached for her
monster spatula.

-----

Natsume Akiko slammed a letter down on her high-tech desk,
causing some of the built-in monitors to flicker wildly.  Arisa
and Kyouko, the office girls/commandos who brought their boss the
letter, nearly jumped and looked at her nervously.

"How *dare* she write to me like that!" Akiko fumed as she
crumpled Urd's reply in her grip.  "Arisa!  Kyouko!  Find out
where this woman lives along with that cat android!  When you do,
show her what happens when someone crosses me!  Take Poison Two
if you have to!"

"Yes, ma'am!" the two ladies chorused as they rushed out to do
their mistress's bidding.


- end part 5 -


--------------------------------------------------------------
CREDITS AND LEGAL JARGON

Mihoshi@ffml    -   Consultant for the character of 'Mihoshi' =)
Isabel Arantes   -   concept creator
R. Beaubien      -   overdosed Rod M. on SM facts %O
Hitomi I.  -   Tux-boy advocate
White Wolf
J. Hedge
J. Blackman
J. Fong
D. Bateson
R.K. Bentley
H. Sora
W. Lik
D. L. Pinnock

anybody else on the fanfic ML that Rod M. forgot.  Don't mean Rod
don't appreciate ya, it's just that there's alot of you out
there. =)


OWNERSHIP 'n stuff

The Real World is done by some guy at MTV.
Ranma 1/2 & Urusei Yatsura created by Rumiko Takahashi.
Kimagure Orange Road created by Matsumoto Izumi.
Sailor Moon created by Takeuchi Naoko.
Tenchi Muyo created by
All Purpose Cat Girl Nuku Nuku created by Takada Yuuzou.
Ah! My Godess! created by Fujishima Kosuke