t this point, Urd waved her hand, and the entire space seemed to *shift*.
Where Yggdrasil's massive computer banks had once stood, there now sat a
rather small, twisted tree.  Keiichi and Megumi turned in amazement to Urd,
who was now scrubbing at the sides of a well, removing small pieces of
lichen.

`Small, twisted' ?? !!!

This is Yggdrasil, which is always described in impressive terms. If I remember correctly, Urd's 
well was under its roots. Makes it pretty big.

I can't follow this suddenly turning it into a bonsai-drasl !!

Keiichi was looking around.  "Has anyone seen Skuld or Kenji?"

Urd suddenly snapped her head around.  "What?!  Where'd they go!  I've got
to -- "

Belldandy smiled.  "I believe Skuld wanted to show Kenji her room.  Don't
worry, Urd, I'm sure everything will be all right."

Urd glared, but said nothing.

Why  is Urd glaring?
I don't see why Belldandy's statement here is annoying her.
Presumably the `I've got to - ` has something to do with it, but you don't explain it.

"Don't worry, Kei-chan; he's really a very nice god."  Belldandy said,
but Keiichi noticed that her eyes told a different story.  She was
concerned, as well.  Keiichi remembered that Kami-sama had said to her
that he would allow the marriage, but would not give his blessing.  He
wondered why.

Tsk.
Whatever hapenned to the canon `Belldandy can't lie'?
She isn't even being indirect here.

Maybe `I think he's a very nice god' would be better, this way she isn't actually telling a lie..

The large doors in front of them opened by themselves, and Keiichi found
himself looking upon a throne room.  Simple, to be sure, few luxuries or
ostentations, but a throne room nevertheless.  Sitting on the throne was
a small man, looking to be in his mid-70s.  Keiichi was amazed to see
that he wore a patch over his right eye.

Belldandy was equally amazed.  Since when had Kami-sama worn his true
form?  She had always seen him in one of his many guises, or clad in
shadows.  To see him as he really was...Belldandy began to be seriously
concerned.

SMALL!? Odin??
No way... read the descriptions of him in the myths.
You make him sound like a moonlighting accountant !!

And, while he often wore disguise when travelling around the 9 worlds, I don't know of any reason 
why he would wear one at home so why wouldn't Belldandy have seen him?

Indeed, as leader of the Norse pantheon, he would have been obliged to show himself prominenly 
and often.

Finally, he spoke.  "I must confess to surprise; I had been expecting...
well, you seem so ordinary."

Surprised??
He's retired his ravens?
Odin is one of the original `no-sparrow-shall-fall-without-me-seeing it-gods'
You should explain if he is supposed to be so out of character.

Keiichi thought for a few moments.  Kami-sama obviously knew all about him 
already, so this was more of a test than anything else.  Keiichi decided
to just make it simple.

OK, so why the earlier contradictory statement?

"You impress me, son.  I had been afraid that marriage to a goddess would
have made you feel important, too full of yourself.  Keep that humility,
Morisato.  It is something that we gods all too often lack, and in your
marriage, you will need to bring many human qualities."

Umm.
Again. I think ooc for Odin. Humility, a Norse trait..!!?

Megumi's head snapped around.  The man she had met at the bar, with the
strangely hypnotic eyes, was standing beside her.  To her embarrassment,
he was now naked, and had lost much of the charm and handsomeness that
had drawn her to him.  She noticed that she appeared to be bound tightly
to a rock slab, and hovering above her head were (she paled) several
dozen snakes, all looking down at her greedily.

Is there a reason for Loki being naked? Or was he just feeling warm?
I don't object to it per se, but at this point it just seems a gratuitous (and unused) point.

And, since they are in Loki's prison, why isn't he still bound?
There's a contradiction here.
If he's still bound, why do the bar staff recognise him?
And if he isn't, why are they here?

Has Loki been freed, and using his old prison as a dungeon?
Again, you should clarify things.

"I'm not talking about that!" Loki snapped.  "What happened to the Urd that
was half-demon?  The Urd that slept with whoever she felt like, caroused
all night?  I remember your finest moment.  You went down to Osaka..."

"Stop."  Urd nodded at Megumi.  "I don't want this brought up in front of
her."

"And why not?  She probably thinks that you're her friend or something
dreadful like that.  Well, my dear, your friend Urd decided to go down,
find this pathetic wretch with nothing to recommend him except his faith
in the gods.  She then proceeded to have wild, tantric sex with him for
three straight nights."

Megumi as embarrassed.  "So what?  I mean, we knew that Urd was wild..."

"Yes, but did you know how wild?"

"SHUT UP!"  Urd tried to come at him with the sword again.  This time,
he tripped her up, sending her sprawling.  Then he turned back to Megumi.

"At the end of the third day, she told him that such ecstasy must have a
price, and demanded both his eyes as payment.  And he gave them gladly.
After all, he believed in the gods without question.  Just ripped out
his eyes, and gave them to her.  I think they're still in her room, if
you want to take the *full* tour.

I just can't buy this one.
Why would Urd do such pointless cruelty?
It dosn't match with anything we know about her from the manga or mythology, and you give no 
reasons for how/why she's changed.

She's careless, self-centred and hardly subtle, but the sort of pointless cruelty you have her 
doing, the godly equivalent of pulling the wings off flies, dosn't fit her at all.

Or if it does, you should explain it!!

If she did used to be as you describe, why has she changed?
This sort of major behavioural/personality change is dramatic enough 
for a human, it would logically be far more so for a god, yet here it 
seems to have hapenned for no apparent reason.

Even if there is a reason (but you dont wish to give it away here), I 
think you should emphasise it far more.

slide towards stability.  It's not you, Urd.  Come back to us.  Be happy
again."

Just who is this `us' Loki keeps referring to?




David Row