Subject: Re: [FFML] [AMG] [LEMON] Honeymoon
From: "Chan Wei Lik" <weimin@pl.jaring.my>
Date: 12/22/1996, 9:37 PM
To: "FanFic ML" <fanfic@fanfic.com>

I see you've gotten most of the points we discussed. Good job.

Where Yggdrasil's massive computer banks had once stood, there now sat a
rather small, twisted tree.

You know, I've always thought that a World Tree should be more impressive
than this.

Belldandy was equally amazed.  Since when had Kami-sama worn his true
form?

If thats the case, then since when had she known what was his true form?

She became much less quick to anger

Drop the "much".

The feel of Keiichi's hands and tongue on her body were driving her into a
frenzy, and >it was all she could do to keep kissing him.

She can't kiss him right now because his lips aren't near hers at the
moment.

And now, as he stroked in an out of her

typo: "in and out"

Kei-chan, that was wonderful.  I don't think I've ever felt such pleasure.

.... such pleasure before.

As Megumi passed out, Loki put the knife away.  He began to arrange her
body in a more interesting position

He'd have to untie her first. Seeing that she's immoblised in her current
position.

And saw the snakes.

How about "Right at the snakes"? That would fit your intention and flow
better too.

He snarled, realizing that she'd tricked him, and started to move towards
him again.

Perhaps it should be "...move towards her again"?

Urd stood with her moth open in shock.  "Neither did I."

mouth

And at the end, where's Kenji? All in all, an improvement over the alpha
draft.