On Fri, 20 Dec 1996, Jerome Fouletier wrote:

heretic@jhunix.hcf.jhu.edu wrote:

First thing is, I like your story, yes, really.
Still, there are some remarks I would send you.

	OK

     Akane quickly moved to the side of the man slumped against the wall
and examined him for injuries.  She found nothing resembling a recent
wound, but his garb was rather theadbare and he looked like a man... no a
boy who hadn't had a full night's sleep or a decent meal in weeks.  She
bent over to pick up the ridiculously thick glasses and then took another
look at his face.  Suddenly all thoughts were driven from her mind except
for a single word
     #K-kakkoi.#

Although I find the Ranma/Shampoo start-up quite to my taste, this one,
however, is much more contrived than that. You are making short order of
a plot element in two lines, and do not mention the Dr in your further
notes. I would rather you either kill it altogether or make it part of
the Akane/Mousse romance.

	True, he does complicate things considerably.  It's simply that
I'm trying to keep the backstory of the Anime identical up to the point of
the Fateful Battle.

Secondly, Akane falling in such a short order for Mousse seems
completely out of whack with her confessed despise for boys. And
she's feeling *angry* at the beginning of the fight, so it is
surprising she at least doesn't growl for Mousse "butting in
her fight". 

	Perhaps developing things a bit more slowly would be a better
idea.  The main point is that Akane, especially if she's on the re-bound,
would be more attracted to a polite, respectful, slightly deferential
young man such as Mousse (as opposed to say, Kuno-sempai ;)

        (Mousse notices that Akane has a talent for his hidden weapons
style and agrees to begin teaching her.  Meanwhile Nabiki begins a new
series of pinup photos for the ladies of Furinkan. ;)

"talent"? If the anime is any hint, she's a natural *master* of the
hidden weapons style. Well, maybe a specialized sub-branch 8-)

	I'm actually tapping into that idea as the explination for her
emerging abilities in 'X-Change Students' (think Illyana <evil grin>)

However, *this* move by Mousse definitely may be something that
wins Akane over, but (IMHO) her natural reaction for this proposal
would be getting angry (as if it is a surprise 8-) at being patronized
by a fellow student. 

	Again, it would depend on how said student offers it (I was
thinking along the lines of Akane being interested enough to ask him
herself).

        (On the way home from the market, Kasumi picks up a lost black
piglet and decides to take it home and search for an owner.  Nabiki and
Akane already dub the pig P-Chan before Kasumi decides that it needs a
bath.)

Unless Ryôga's story is much different in your elseworld, he should still
be looking for Ranma in China, ne? Otherwise, his presence here has to
be explained.

	Getting caught up in a shipment to a chinese restaraunt in Tokyo,
perhaps?

        "BWEE!!!!"
        *SPLASH!*
        "...."
        "Oh my!"

I saw a Kasumi-Ryôga pairing fic recently. Was it you? 8-)

	Where?

        (Shampoo digs up an old map of Jusenkyo in her mothers storeroom
and brings Ranma up to the cliffs above the training ground.  She throws
him into the correct sping just as the guide shows up to inform her that
he saw a hooded form casting a powerful spell an few nights ago and now no
spring will affect an already cursed individual.  By this time Ranma has
leapt into several pools with no effect and is near panic, finally
breaking down and crying in Shampoo's arms.)

Why include the evil sorcerer? This is an Elseworld, so anything goes.
Unless you plan to use Tarô (the only character I heard of to have dipped
into more than one pond) why not make the "one curse only" rule your
canon.

	Perhaps (I'm still leery of playing fast and loose with the
backstory)... but you have to admit a variation on the above events
would bring the cute couple closer together

        (Cologne decides to test Ranma and Shampoo herself and the two of
them actually make her work up a sweat before she gets serious and puts
them both down.  She elects to dismiss the Saotomes on the spot and Genma
is happy to go.  Ranma leaves with some reluctance and sets up camp an
afternoons hike away from the village only to wake up with Shampoo next to
him.  Her alleged reasoning: "<I can't let the closest thing to
competition run out on me>")

<Jaw hangs open> Cologne dissmissing Shampoo's only prospective groom
like that? This particular one makes no sense to me, maybe the full
sceen contains an explanation, but I can't figure any.

	<Raises eyebrow> Do you _really_ think Cologne would be unable to
predict Shampoo's subsequent actions?  Leaving a few of her scrolls laying
about would be more of a hint than the kid would need

        (Nabiki's latest scheme is seen through and foiled by a young
transfer student from the south of Japan.)

As much as Ryôga may end up litterally anywhere and not surprise us,
that Ukyô should arrive at Nerima before Ranma is much harder to swallow

	As I've already noted, this is probably _the_ hardest event to
pull off believably (and perhaps the least nessisary, as Nabiki strikes me
as the one most likely to refuse an arrainged marriage on general
principle).
	Dropping the Ukyo-Nabiki affair is another thing altogether <grin>

        (Nodoka listens in shock to the whole story and finally,
tearfully, declares her son to be a better man than she feared her father
could raise and beckons Shampoo from the shadows.  During a more relaxed
discussion afterwards, Nodoka realizes two things: she genuinely _likes_
Shampoo a lot (seeing what she might have grown up like outside of
civilization in the girl), and that the barbarian and her son are very
much in love but aren't sure how to admit it to themselves or each other.

That doesn't sit very well, either. In the original, does Ranma
know at all about his dad's promise to his mother?

	I seriously doubt it, but here Nodoka is the one to tell him as
well. 

        (Nodoka plans to help the kids track down her husband in the
morning, but a midnight phone call (Authors Note: From Col. Fury or M?)
sidetracks that plan with a summons out of the country.  At the airport,
however, she and Shampoo agree that Genma should be 'suprised' by her
return)

Nani? Didi you put that to see whether somebody was still reading?

	Come on!  Given the cost of living in Tokyo Nodoka has to have
_some_ sort of supplimental income! :)

- Akane unaware of the engagement. This is the hardest. If she is
  in love with Mousse, it is extremely likely the Saotome's arrival
  will not flow as in the original. She is more than likely to
  flat-out refuse the engagement and, since you've made it clear
  that Nabiki saw her attraction to Mousse, I doubt she would
  push Akane in the engagement.

	Very true.  If anything, she would try for a stalling tactic if
one of her siblings seem as if they will give in to keep the peace.

        Oh yes, I did manage to draw up a tenative relationship map for
the rest of the story in case anyone's confused:

        Nabiki: Developing a serious crush on transfer student Kuonji
Ukyo, to the point of manipulating 'him' into dates (Author's Note: Is she
being fooled, does she care?).

*That* may be even zanier when you add Tsubasa to the mix.

	Y'know, I don't think I've _ever_ seen Nabiki in the middle of a
typical Takahashiesque War of Love (at least not over anyone she really 
cared for... I wonder how she'd handle that little transvestite harassing
her Ukyo-kun ;)

        I say again that this is all I have of the story.  Comments,
questions, or offers of assistance anyone?

I'd do it, only never expect quick answers

	I never do.

A+

	Are you trying to say something here?

HTG