Best wishes from the far end of reality for the Christmas Season.
~~~~~
The Chaotic Trickster - kergma@humbug.org.au
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The X(mas) Files
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57 Elm Street
Bethlehem, PA
11:51 P.M., December 24th
- We're too late! It's already been here.
- Mulder, I hope you know what you're doing.
- Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated,
mounted, transformed into a shrine; halls decked with boughs of
holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care.
- You really think someone's been here?
- Someone or some THING.
- Mulder, over here - it's a fruitcake.
- Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal.
- It's O.K. There's a note attached: "Gonna find out who's
naughty and nice."
- It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list.
- Who? What are you talking about?
- Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could
travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants.
Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to
descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish
disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite.
- But that's legend, Mulder -- a story told by parents to frighten
children. Surely you don't believe it?
- Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks
on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of
cookies was massive -- and in a hurry.
- It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass
has been completely drained.
- It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse.
- But why would they leave it milk and cookies?
- Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its
wilding.
- But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and
windows were locked. There's no sign of forced entry.
- Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace.
- Wait a minute, Mulder. If you're saying some huge creature
landed on the roof and came down this chimney, you're crazy.
The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get down
there.
- But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions at once?
- You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?
- Exactly. Scully, I've never told anyone this, but when I was a
child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white
strips of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated
torso was red and white. I'll never forget the horror. I turned
away, and when I looked back it had somehow taken on the facial
features of my father.
- Impossible.
- I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought
me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. IT KNEW THAT I WANTED A
MR.POTATO HEAD!
- I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the laws
of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being
who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and
boys. Listen to what you're saying. Do you understand the
repercussions? If this gets out, they'll close the X-files.
- Scully, listen to me: It knows when you're sleeping. It knows
when you're awake.
- But we have no proof.
- Last year, on this exact date, SETI radio telescopes detected
bogeys in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The White
House ordered a Condition Red.
- But that was a meteor shower.
- Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer
vanished from the National Zoo, in Washington, D.C. Nobody -
not even the zookeeper - was told about it. The government
doesn't want people to know about Project Kringle. They fear
that if this thing is proved to exist the public will stop spending half
its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets
will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe this
creature lives. There's too much at stake. They'll do whatever it
takes to insure another silent night.
- Mulder, I --
- Sh-h-h. Do you hear what I hear?
- On the roof. It sounds like . . . a clatter.
- The truth is up there. Let's see what's the matter.
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* Adapted from Shouts & Murmurs, "The Xmas Files," by Frank
Cammuso and Hart Seely, (c) The New Yorker, December 16,
1996.