On Sun, 08 Dec 1996 17:26:26 -0600 Richard Lawson wrote:
:
: Part 2 - Family and Friends
:
: by Richard Lawson
: The first was someone Nouma didn't immediately recognize. He had last seen
: her over ten years ago. When he did, he blinked in amazement. He bowed deeply
: to her. "We are honored by your presence, Ambassador."
:
: The woman snorted. "It is we who are honored to be here." Her Japanese was
: much better than Nouma remembered. "Please, call me Shampoo."
Ah, interesting. So she *did* survive in the dangerous world of
politics.
: Mousse smiled at Nouma. "I wanted to congratulate you on your Gold Medal."
:
: "Yes!" Shampoo's voice became excited. Her speech lapsed back into the
: heavily accented Japanese he remembered from the past. "Shampoo remembers
: semi-final match, against Chinese martial artist. Ambassador roots for her
: country's representative. Shampoo's secret heart is overjoyed when Nouma
: wins, goes on to win Gold. Shampoo so proud!"
Uh, was that before or after he was awarded the Nobel Peace Price?
Oh, and I think that Shampoo's falling back into her crude speech
patterns when excited is a good idea - but not very well executed.
Try to find some middle ground between her new, correct speech and
her old bimbo-tongue. I think if you replace most of the
"Shampoo"s with a correct pronoun, you'd have a reasonable medium.
: Nouma couldn't help but smile in the face of Shampoo's enthusiasm. He still
: felt embarrassed by his Olympic victory. He'd felt rather like an adult
: beating up on a room full of children.
Unless the Olympics and his winning in Cairo are one and the same
event, I'd completely drop the Olympic angle. It's overkill.
: Shampoo laughed. "You flatter this old woman, Nouma-san." Shampoo turned to
: the door, frowning slightly. "Allow me to introduce our daughter." She
: raised her voice slightly. "Khu Lon!"
:
: Nouma looked past Shampoo. Suddenly, he couldn't breathe.
Angus: Hey, did you see that?
Sebastian: See what?
Angus: That chubby, half-nude kid with the bow and arrow that
just streaked by. Bloody cheek! He could have hurt
someone with that thing.
: Khu Lon lifted her eyes and glared at him. Nouma noticed that Shampoo
: tightened her grip on Khu Lon's shoulder. It might appear to be a simple
: squeeze, but Nouma's training allowed him to recognize the way Shampoo's
: forearm bulged and the slight tightening in Khu Lon's eyes. Shampoo was
: applying a powerful, painful hold to Khu Lon's shoulder.
Whoah, they really *do* live a rough life, in the valley of the
Amazons. Among normal people the same thing would have been
communicated with a simple touch, as a reminder to behave
yourself. Or is it just Khu Lon, who needs to be more forcibly
kept in check?
: Ryoga bowed. "Nouma, it is good to see you again. How's the new job?" Unlike
: Father, Ryoga had understood Nouma's desire to do something besides martial
I dunno about the "father" this isn't *direct* introspection, so
I would have written this as "*his* father", i.e. third person.
: "It's great. I love the work." Nouma turned to Akari. "How's life been for
: the Savior of the World?"
I guess he uses that title to tease her. Right?
: Nouma smiled. "Don't feel that way, Aunt Akari. You still make the best
: BLT's I've ever tasted. I'd hate to have to live in a world without them."
"BLT's"?
: "My pleasure as well, Nephew. Too long has it been since we had you over to
: the mansion. Needs must we rectify that, and soon."
:
: Nabiki smiled. "He means come on over for dinner any time, Nouma. You're
: always welcome."
:)
I strongly suspect that Nabiki didn't try *too* hard to get Kunou
into the 20th century, speech-wise.
: Ukyo shrugged. "Not all of the international ones do so well. I had to
: close the New York restaurant, but I've still got one in San Fransicso, as
: well as Hong Kong, Sydney, Singapore, Seoul, and Bangkok." She counted them
: off on her fingers, them beamed at Nouma. "I didn't really need to open
: them all over the place. I kind of stretched our resources, took a lot of
: risks, to do that. It was just a dream of mine, to one day have restaurants
: all over the world."
Waaah, I wanna have one here in Germany! C'mon, Duesseldorf and
Cologne (the city) would *fight* for the honour of having an
"Ucchan's" restaurant. :)
Angus: That doesn't say much. They're fighting all the time,
anyway.
: Nouma looked around. "If you'd like to wait a moment, Aunt Ukyo, you can
: sit with me."
:
: "That's okay, Nouma. I think I'll go visit with Ryoga." She walked over
: to the Hibikis, reaching out to grasp Ryoga's hand. Soon they were deep
: in conversation. Nouma watched them for a few seconds. He hadn't realized
: that Ryoga and Ukyo knew each other that well, although he really shouldn't
: have been surprised, since they had both been intimate parts of Ranma's life
: twenty-five years ago.
[raised brow] Hmmm...?
Naaah. Luckily Richard isn't *that* kind of guy.
: Nouma was worried about the one person missing until she showed up, right at
: the last minute. Nouma smiled at her, relieved. "Hello, Aunt Kodachi.
: Thanks for coming."
:
: "Ah, Nouma-chan, you are the one person who is always glad to see me." Kodachi
: smiled sadly. "It warms my heart."
Still? After all these years? Fully intentional almost-murder is
forgiven and forgotten but insanity isn't, even after it's been
treated?
: Nouma shook his head, laughing. "Don't play the stricken maiden with me,
: Auntie. I think your husband and daughter are just as glad to see you as I
: am."
And yet anothe family that I want to know more about. This fic
needs to be very, *very* large to show all the people I wanna see.
:)
: She shared smiles with each
: individual, at the same time giving each of the a piercing appraisal.
"each of them"
: Ranma looked up again. "To reiterate, there are at least four aspects of the
: curse that we know about. One, I turn into a woman when splashed with cold
: water. A side effect of this aspect is that cold water finds ways of
: splashing me as much as possible.
Heh, I always thought that he was subconsciously causing it,
himself. :)
: "The last aspect is the most important one. I've been cursed for a reason:
: to fulfill some destiny." Ranma grimaced. "Destiny doesn't mean one battle
: against some ultimate monster, but lots of little battles against all sorts
: of enemies. It hasn't always been fighting; I've played many different roles.
: In those instances, it's usually been necessary that I become a woman. So
: the curse has found a way to put me in situations where my skills are needed.
I'm not so sure about *usually* having to become a woman thing.
If his past adventures are anything like what is chronicled in the
Manga, it's pretty much 50/50 percentage.
: There were some murmurs from the people present, and Nouma looked over at
: Akane. She didn't look surprised - Ranma had obviously already told her
: this - but she was very pale and clutching Grandfather's arm very tightly.
: Mikanma did look surprised, but she also looked determined and angry, as if
: she wanted to take on the fear and fight it hand-to-hand.
Which fear? Her fear of what is before them?
: With that, Ranma went over and sat down next to Akane, talking to her quietly.
: Mother hugged Father fiercely, tears streaming down her face.
I still have a problem with the format of this tale. Most of it
is told from Nouma's point of view, which is fine. But it is
*also* written more or less in third person narration, which
clashes with the sudden insertion of labels like "Father" and
"Mother" for Ranma and Akane. this has to be smoothed out.
Either you tell this *completely* from Nouma's point of view,
which would mean first person and is probably not what you want,
or you use "Father" and "Mother" only in *direct* introspection
into Nouma's thoughts.
: Kodachi began to say something to Nouma, but for some reason his attention was
: focused on an intense debate in Chinese taking place a few feet away. Nouma
: had minored in Asian Languages, and spoke Mandarin decently, if not exactly
: fluently. He was able to follow their conversation.
The Tendou Wunderkind strikes again. How about having him *not*
excel in something? You could emphasize that he is actually a
human being, by making his knowledge of Mandarin rudimentary,
instead of Not-quite-fluent? It could have been a required course
that he barely passed with lots of work, so that he now is able to
more or less follow the conversation, but couldn't hope to ever
take part.
This, of course, assumes that Nouma is *meant* to be an actual
human being. The evidence against it seems to pile up. :)
: Mousse looked unhappy. "I agree as well. Yet the negotions with the US are
: at a critical stage right now.
"negotiations"
: "...and then, after I've your mother as happy as possible, I'll take Ranma and
: marry him in her stead. Then I'll marry you, Nouma, because you've always
: been such a sweet boy. We'll go together with my first husband and live in
: the United States. I understand they're a lot more open about that kind of
: thing. While I'm at it, I'll marry your sister. I'm not really into that
: sort of thing, but we musn't play favorites, must we?"
:D :D :D Nice to see that Kodachi also has a sense of humour and
isn't all tragic and stuff. ;)
The "after I've your mother as happy as possible" part seems to be
missing a verb, and it's "mustn't" with a 't'.
: "Why he would want to
: afflict you with the curse is quite beyond my ability to comprehend."
Perhaps he figures there's a way to pass on the "Savior of Lost
Causes" mantle without actually cursing his son.
: Nouma watched as Tachi spoke passionately in her own defense. "I think I know
: why. Tachi has taken it upon herself to chronicle Father's adventures. I
: think she's insisting that she be allowed to record the events as they
: happen."
Heh, perhaps "Rumiko" would have been a more appropriate name. :)
: All eyes were on Ranma as she sat slightly hunched, burdened by the knowledge
: of the danger she was placing a lot of her friends and family in. She lifted
: her eyes. "Akane, my dear wife, I am sorry. I need Mikanma with us. If she
: and Nouma aren't with us, I got a feeling that it will end in disaster."
Ah, so Mikanma will at some crucial point save Nouma from certain
doom. Perhaps when he is taken over by the dark side of the
force, she will beat sense into him again, in a way that
symbolically harkens back to their fightas about entering the
house. That's how these things usually work. :)
: Nouma frowned as he thought about that. Given a choice? He tried to think
: back to a time when he chose to become a martial artist. As far as he could
: remember, martial arts had been a necessary skill, like learning to read and
: write. He remember Father showing Mikanma how to assume the ready position
: almost as soon as she could stand on her own. Ranma was likely only doing
: to his family what had been done to him.
:
: Nouma shook his head; he shouldn't judge his father harshly. After all, he'd
: enjoyed using the skills he'd learned from martial arts. There was nothing to
: compare to the feeling he got in the dojo, his mind and body working together
: to produce a symphony of motion.
:
: Still, he couldn't help wondering whether or not that feeling would be enhanced
: if it had been something he'd chosen to pursue.
Very interesting. I like this bit a lot.
: "Tendo Nouma."
Angus: [in a Darth Vader get-up] "Luke."
: "Minmay, lights." The apartment's computer responded, but the
: bedroom lights revealed nothing new.
:
: "Tendo Nouma."
Angus: "Lu-u-uke."
: It could be a transmission of some sort, he realized. Someone playing a joke.
: He ran through his list of friends, trying to decide which one of them was
: the most likely to have pulled this off. Whoever it was sure had a very bad
: sense of timing.
:
: "Tendo Nouma. I await you."
Angus: "Luke Skywalker!"
: "Tendo Nouma. I will devour your sister and I will devour your father and I
: will devour you."
Sebastian: Jeez, someone has a hell of an appetite.
Angus: [hisses] Shhh! You're destroying the mood.
: Now he was really angry. Beyond angry; furious. "God help whoever this is,
: because if I find you I'm going to beat you within an inch of your life." He
: was shouting now, his hands clenched into fists and trembling with the force
: of his anger.
:
: "You and only you I will give a choice. Come to me willingly, and I will
: leave your soul free. Fight me, and every person you love will die in
: agony. Be ready for the choice, and choose wisely. It will be offered only
: once."
Angus: "Listen to your dark side, Luke..."
Sebastian: Baka.
: Whatever it was he'd been dragged into, it promised to be horrifying. He had
: the feeling that was not going to relaxing any time soon. Quite possibly
: until the end of his life.
Heh, nice double meaning. This could either mean that he won't
survive this adventure - or that he *does* inherit his father's
"vocation".
Looking forward to more of this.
Sebastian